The Dissector

The Dissector #113.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Several boys reached puberty and exploded in their pants upon seeing her." Narrator, about Cin (aka Cinderella). Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #54.

Amazing what Balent passes for story in his pagan smut magazine... Here we are, with the dissections for the week of 02/04, starting the month of February... and I'm still two months behind!!! The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follows: Best Book Of The Week was Final Crisis: Legion Of Three Worlds #3, just a fangasm for any Legion follower; but also good art and story. Worst Book Of The Week was Golem #1; amateurish, boring, bland.... not much more to say. Wait... it was a one-shot? Okay, now it makes even less sense... The DT! was cracked by Sully, and it was that Nemesis is called "Tressar" instead of "Tresser". Now, the dissections!
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"ASTONISHING DISSECTIONS."

TITLE: Astonishing Tales V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Kenneth Rocafort (penciller).

DISSECTION: This one's pretty easy.


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"PERRO MALO!"

TITLE: Bad Dog (Image).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Joe Kelly (writer).

DISSECTION: A storekeeper counts money in a language that resembles Spanish or Portuguese, but is fake.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, one of the characters mentions "Viagara".
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"NOT SUITABLE FOR CHUILDREN."

TITLE: Bang! Tango (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Adrian Sibar (penciller).

DISSECTION: A magazine cover advertises "Audult Content".

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"NEXT TIME, THIS TIME."

TITLE: Black Lightning Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06

CULPRIT: Rachel Gluckstern and/or Joan Hilty (editors).

DISSECTION: The "next in" blurb for issue #4 says Black Lightning will be approached by Talia al Ghul... when he was already approached by her... in this very issue...

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"WIT OR WITOUT YOU."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 112.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I wrote "wit" instead of "with". Thanks to Sully for spotting it, another badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"FREEZING CONTINUITY."

TITLE: Final Crisis: Legion Of Three Worlds (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: Polar Boy is questioned because he was a Substitute... but he was Legion leader... even with all you see in Geoff John's new continuity, that seems to have remained.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars, this could be just me. Also, two of the Brainiac's eyes are colored purple. Again.
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"GOLLUM."

TITLE: Golem (Studio 407).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Scott Barkman & Jeff Lee (writers).

DISSECTION: The word "treacherous" is spelled "trecherous".

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Also, it's "piñata" not "pinata".
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"MY GOD HAS A H.A.M.M.E.R.!"

TITLE: Invincible Iron Man V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: H.A.M.M.E.R. is shown enforcing law in different parts of the world, when it's a USA agency, not a UN agency as S.H.I.E.L.D. was.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Norman Osborn's hair and eyes are colored incorrectly.
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"QUE OPEÑA ME DA."

TITLE: Punisher V8 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Artist Jerome Opeña is credited as "Opena".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"SO SECRET, THEY DON'T KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES."

TITLE: Secret Warriors (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis & Jonathan Hickman (writers).

DISSECTION: Tony Stark is shown in a chart to be affiliated with Stark Industries, when he's no longer with them, he left everything to Pepper Pots (pending disassembling by H.A.M.M.E.R.).

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"NEXT, IN THE BOYS..."

TITLE: The Boys (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 27.

CULPRIT: Non-credited editor.

DISSECTION: The "next issue" blurb is wrong, showing the contents of this issue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"UNCANNY RESEARCH JOB,"

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: Annual #2 (2009).

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: This one belongs to the week of 01/21, I knew there was something fishy with the continuity of this issue, but I couldn't quite place my finger on the problem, so I let it go. Fortunately for us, Snakebyte did a great job of looking into the matter and putting this together:

"Let me go through this step by step.

Namor's presence indicates that this took place after Fantastic Four #4, as prior to that he was an amnesiac bum. (May 1962)

Tony Stark's general demeanor and drunken-ness indicates that he was most likely not Iron Man, therefore indicating that this takes place prior to Tales Of Suspense #39 (March 1963), or failing that during his alcoholism, at any time prior to Iron Man #184 (July 1984).

Shaw's quest for a White King indicates rather obviously that he does not HAVE a White King. This is also rather obviously the initial incarnation of the Hellfire Club, Shaw and Emma's presence being the most obvious tells. In the original incarnation of the Hellfire Club, while Shaw was in power, there have only been two white kings. One was a joint position held by Magneto and Storm. I don't have the exact issue number for this one, but it was in New Mutants, around the 50s. Roughly 1987. The previous White King was Donald Pierce, who was later expelled from the club. The expulsion occurred in the New Mutants graphic novel that took place prior to the series. 1982. As Pierce is present in this issue, quite unexpelled, this obviously takes place prior to anything New Mutants related.

So we have a timeline. Probably 1962-1963, definitely 1962-1982. The reference to Shaw's recent coup of taking over the club, and the lack of detailed knowledge on all parties concerned regarding Sentinels, suggest the earlier timeline. Not proving it, but suggesting it; as do the absences of Jason Wyngarde and Harry Leland.

Oh goddamn I just realized something else. Norman Osborn's there. Norman Osborn was presumed dead from June 1973 to 1995-1996, just after the death of Gwen Stacy. That cuts nine years off.

1962-1973.

I suppose I'll have to stop being a smug git and get to the point. =(

The crux of the issue is Selene.

The character of Selene was introduced in New Mutants #9 (November 1983), and did not leave it until New Mutants #11. Prior to that, her spirit had been trapped in Nova Roma for 'centuries', and was not able to leave after an indeterminate amount of time afterward. She joined the Hellfire Club in New Mutants #23 (January 1985).

Thus, it is impossible for Selene to be present because, in reverse chronological order:
A: Tony Stark is drunk
B: Donald Pierce is neither White King nor expelled from the Hellfire Club
C: Norman Osborn is publicly alive.

I rest my case, bitches."

Bottom line is, Selene can't be there if Pierce is still a member of the Hellfire Club's Inner Circle (and vice versa). I argued that Stark and Osborn's problems could have happened in different storyline times than the X-stuff; but Snakebyte replied by correlating stuff to events like Secret Wars. He's been reading old Marvel stuff for some time now, and I read all that stuff like fifteen years ago... congratulations for a research task well done, and thanks for the stuff you contribute to this column.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"COLOSSAL COLOSSUS."

TITLE: X-Men Vs. Hulk (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Jheremy Raapack (penciller)

DISSECTION: Yes, Jheremy. We know Colossus is a big guy... but he's not an entire meter (or more) taller than Kitty Pryde and Wolverine, not even in his armored form. Nor does he change sizes while in human form.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. A passable one-shot, surprisingly so considering it's written by Chris Claremont; who's not been up to his former skills lately.
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That's done, then and we get a 5.8 Bazzars average on twenty dissections... there you go. The voting on the Autopsy Awards is over; I shall be posting the results soon. I must say that while I'm a bit sad I didn't get votes from more folks, it's probably my fault as I haven't met my (self-imposed) deadlines at all these past months. As a matter of fact, I'm more than two months behind. I think I'm going to write larger columns, one for each month (one for the remaining weeks of February, one for all of March, and one for what's passed of April), to catch up. A bit against my usual modus operandi, but desperate times...

Let's check out the Moments Of The Week before I go and feel depressed about being so behind. First up, Legion fangasm!



*drools* Wow, that's amazing... Then...


He's back! Now, what are friends for?


If not for warning you about transvestites? And finally:


Nice outfit, Professor Charles Picard! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!