The Dissector #145.
DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)
[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]
12/16: "... don't mean to keep cycling back to Lovecraft, but it is the closest I can come to describing the indescribable." The Doctor, The Authority: The Lost Year #4.
12/23: "(Crazy glue?) That stuff's for wusses. My collection starts with "sociopathically deranged glue" and goes up from there." Riff, Sluggy Freelance (08/10/06).
Yeah, I know that second quote is not from the week I chose it for; but I read that strip that week; I've finally caught up on my favorite webcomic, Sluggy Freelance. The other quote, from The Authority, bumped down a Hercules quote that made it to the Moments Of The Week(s). I always comment with my friends that Lovecraft was very lazy when it came to describing his "horrors". He'd go on and one for two paragraphs when describing a chair or a table, but then the monster showed up, and it was "indescribably indescribable"; we like to laugh about that. Like Alejandro Dolina said recently, Lovecraft was utterly underestimated in his day; and a bit overestimated in modern times.
I know this column is late, waaay late; but I have good reasons. A friend spilled a pint of soda on my laptop's keyboard; and I had to have it replaced. The keyboard; not the whole laptop. Half my notes for the week of 12/16 where in that laptop; so I couldn't write that column; and I ended up making this column for both that week and 12/23.
Emerre correctly spotted in last column's DT! that Tony Stark's hair had somehow been colored red; so he gets his badge. Now, The Dissector's Picks Of The Weeks are the following. Best Book of 12/16 was Power Girl V2 #7; Jimmy Palmiotti and his partner (not only in comic books) Amanda Conner deliver a very fun story complete with a Sean Connery wannabe; and Amanda's always sexy but not-too-serious art. Worst Book Of That Week was The Brave And The Bold V3 #30; an unremarkable story that not only was unremarkable, it was based around a flawed premise (a Green Lantern not carrying his lantern around), which could have been fixed easily (showing how his lantern was captured or lost).
Best Book Of The Week for 12/23 was Battlefields: Happy Valley. As usual, Garth Ennis provides an engaging tale of soldiers at war, with excellent art by P.J. Holden. In fact only one of the Battlefield minis has been a disappointment; the one about the nurse and the pilot. It was boring (centered to much about the nurse who was not in a battlefield) and difficult to read; because it was mostly captions from letters or a journal she wrote, and the "handwriting" font was too frilly to be read comfortably. Worst Book Of That Week was Secret Warriors #11... NOTHING happened...
Now, here's The (really long) Rundown: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (accented letter), Angel ("fourget"), Arkham Reborn (Alice Synner or Sinner has ribbons in her hair for each of the deadly sins... except "despair" is not a sin), The Authority: The Lost Year (Swift's ears are not pointy, and Jenny Quantum's eyes should be brown, not blue), Avengers: The Initiative (Taskmaster's eyes shouldn't be yellow when he's not in costume), Batman (several errors in Batman's costume), Batman 80-Page Giant ("inpenatrable" is not a word, and a character changes hair color between panels), Black Panther V5 (Namor's eyes are the wrong color, Wakandan TV is again in English, Reed Richard's eyes are the wrong color, and so are Doctor Doom's. Also, how can you totally loose 56% of a crop. It's either total, or partial.), Black Widow & The Marvel Girls (Scarlet Witch and Black Widow get their eyes colored incorrectly), Blackest Night (apart from the Scarecrow's eyes colored incorrectly, Hal Jordan's badge and his ring are wrong), The Brave And The Bold V3 (Again Hal Jordan's badge is wrong, and it even changes shape between pages. Also, he's stranded on an alien planet without his battery... when are writers going to learn that Green Lanterns can carry their batteries inside their ring?), Captain America: Who Will Wield The Shield (accented letters), Dark Avengers: Ares (Ares' eye color is wrong.), Dark Avengers (Norman Osborn and the Molecule Man get their eyes colored wrong, and the sizes of some characters are wrong), Detective Comics (Huntress' eyes are blue, not green.), Doctor Voodoo: Avenger Of The Supernatural (accented letter), Fantastic Four V1 (Artie and Leech don't look like they should. Also, poor Artie, he lost his power and still looks like that, and is still mute.), G.I. Joe (bad Spanish), Gotham City Sirens (several characters with wrong eye colors, including Bruce Wayne), Incredible Hercules (it's "São Paulo", not "São Paolo", and there's an "ñ" wrong, and a "C" with cedilla wrong, but in the art), Madame Xanadu (Morgana's eyes change color), Ms. Marvel V2 (Ms. Marvel was not replaced by Norman Osborn's one when she "disappeared"; Norman rolled out his Avengers despite the other ones running around, also a character's eyes change color between pages), New Mutants V3 (Magik's magical abilities are not mentioned in her description; the word "dilate" is spelled "dialate"), Power Girl V2 (Blue Snowman's hair brooch changes color between panels), Realm Of Kings: Inhumans (Karnak's eyes are colored wrong), Secret Warriors (Nick Fury, Daisy Johnson, and Dum Dum Dugan have their eyes colored incorrectly).
Damn, it's so long I'm going to split it in two, here's the rest: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Ghosts (the only good thing is that Geordi's rank is corrected; but the art is still awful, and there are several dissections, all regarding visual issues; "artist" Javier Aranda and colorist John Hunt did not catch more than a passing glance at a TNG episode), Super Friends V2 (Why show Franklin D. Roosevelt if you're going to draw him completely different from what he was? Also, Wonder Woman uses "hola" as a goodbye.), Superman/Batman (a word balloon points to the wrong character), Superman (Jimmy Olsen's eyes are colored incorrectly), Teen Titans V3 (Robin's costume in a flashback is wrong), The New Avengers (not only are Norman Osborn’s eyes wrong, they change color between pages), Thor V1 (Doctor Doom's eyes are colored incorrectly), Thunderbolts (a character without a healing factor is wounded, and the wound is gone a few panels later), What If Spider-Man: House of M 01 (For the nth time, Wolverine's eyes are blue! Also, Captain America's gloves are wrong; and Doctor Strange's eyes are colored incorrectly), X-Factor V3 (sigh, M's eyes should not be blue; particularly when you have her profile included in the same issue showing her eyes are brown, nor should be Reed Richard's, the Thing is not taller than Strong Guy, Siryn's eyes are not blue, and they should not change colors between panels), X-Force V3 (Selene's eyes are colored wrong), X-Men Forever V2 (Black Widow's eyes are wrong, Claremont again leaves Russian words between translation brackets, and there are three accented letters smaller than they should be), X-Men: Legacy (Surge's eyes are wrong, and Pixie's hair is wrong).
Still awfully long paragraphs... let's go to the dissections:
"HE'S JUST SICK THAT THE KILLER'S WORKMANSHIP IS SHODDY."
TITLE: Batman: Streets Of Gotham (DC).
CULPRIT: Paul Dini (writer).
DISSECTION: Really, Robin, who's a trained assassin and all around little bastard, gets sick and throws up because he sees dead children? Clearly, Dini has not seen how Damian has been portrayed until now. Stick to the Huntress.
DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Batman's gloves are wrong, and Maggie Sawyer is not an "officer", but an "inspector"; maybe she took a rank cut when she transferred to GCPD, but she wouldn't be an "officer".
TITLE: Blackest Night: JSA (DC).
ISSUE: 01 of 03.
CULPRIT: James Robinson (writer).
DISSECTION: I'd like to think that I would have caught this on my own; but my buddy (and HDSC Ensign) spoiled it for me. Power Girl refers to Earth-2 Superman as "Uncle" Kal; when he was her cousin.
DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. There are also multiple costume mistakes, even changes within the same issue.
TITLE: Green Lantern V4 (DC).
CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).
DISSECTION: Why does someone call John Stewart "Jonathan"? That's not his name. Plus, someone else calls him "John" later.
DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
"A MATTER OF HONOR."
TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).
CULPRIT: Peter J. Tomasi (writer).
DISSECTION: Now they call Kyle "Green Lantern 2814 Honor Guard", which is better, but still not right.
DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Also, Guy Gardner's ring and badge are wrong.
"DIP SPACE NINE."
TITLE: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Fool's Gold (IDW).
ISSUE: 01 of 04.
CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writers).
DISSECTION: Uh... "Jadzea"?!?!?
DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, Kyra's earring is wrong, Odo's eyes should be blue, and Chief O'Brien's rank insignia is wrong. Oh, the art by Fabio Mantovani is not as awful as Javier Aranda's, and he's obviously paid attention to what DS9 looks like; but his characters all look like... dolls. No lifelike facial expressions whatsoever.
"CYCLOP'S A WUSS, ACCORDING TO CHUCK."
TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).
CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).
DISSECTION: Professor Xavier discusses Scott's possession by The Void largely ignoring when Apocalypse lived inside his mind, and saying he won't be able to fight something like that.
DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Also, Namor's eye color is wrong, and why do Magneto and Namor talk like the latter doesn't live in Utopia?
"DIAMONDS ARE A TELEPATH'S WORST FRIENDS."
TITLE: What If Astonishing X-Men (Marvel).
CULPRIT: Matteo Casali (writer) and/or Mike Getty (artist).
DISSECTION: Emma Frost can't use her telepathic powers while in diamond form, yet she does in the second story.
DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, on the first story, Logan's gloves are wrong; they lack the metal conduits for his claws.
"WORLD'S FINEST DISSECTION."
TITLE: World's Finest V3 (DC).
CULPRIT: Jamal Igle (penciller).
DISSECTION: Look at this, and tell me if you find anything wrong (other than Supergirl's underwear flying around):
DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).
CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).
DISSECTION: As usual, the issue is full of wrong accented letters and "ñ"s. The only writing languages are a few missing exclamation marks; and the one I'm singling out is... IT'S NOT "BUENOS NOCHES"!!!!!!! IT'S "BUENAS NOCHES"!!!! "BUENAS"!!!!
DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Just because I'm pissed at this book. The other seventeen dissections get the standard 7 rating.
This brings us to a total of one hundred and twenty-six dissections; with an average of 6.4 Bazzars. Now, I need to get to work on the Autopsy Awards nominations; so let's get on with this. Best Cover for the week of 12/16 is this powerful piece from Green Lantern Corps #43; by Patrick Gleason, Rebecca Bachman, and Randy Mayor:
There's a scary thought, Guy Gardner with a red ring.... And speaking of green:
That's from Spider-Woman #4, Viper (aka Madame Hydra) beautifully painted by Alex Maleev. Now, Moments Of Each Week; starting with 12/16 as Guy Gardner shows us what he can do with both green and red rings:
Scary, for Black Lanterns. Then, from 12/23, Hercules:
He's not like those stuck up warriors who would say that there is no honor in battling robots. He knows how to have fun! Now, scariest thing I've seen in some time:
Uh-oh. Still in Marvel, Spider-Man really doesn't know what to say to a brother:
Whoops... Then, when Ganthet wants to be a Green Lantern...
He just invites himself in... Not that he really needs it, likely it's more symbolic than anything else. Now, who joins him in a rainbow colored army?
Kick-ass!!! The New Guardians! That's it for now, until next time (with the nominations for the 2009 Autopsy Awards), I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...