The Dissector Special #10: Autopsy Awards 2010 Winners.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]



You'll forgive me if I'm not too elaborate; but this is long overdue. There weren't many votes, and not many people (except my most loyal readers) cared about the awards, so I kept kicking the date back... but here they are.
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Best Writing Dissection:

Fifty percent of the votes went toward this little gem's victory.

W01-"THIS SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT..." (The Dissector #147, 01/29/10)

COMMENT: With all the tools at Fraction's disposition, I was surprised he'd do something this dumb.

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 520.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: We get it, Wolverine has amazingly keen senses... but I will not accept that he can track a prey by smell from the top of a building in NEW YORK CITY, A 468.9 SQUARE MILES, 1,214.4 SQUARE KILOMETERS, 8,363,710 CITY INHABITANTS, AND 19,006,798 METRO AREA POPULATION CITY!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Not only does he track his prey (a Predator X) to a SEWER, but he knows that Fantomex (who carries no scent) is there because he smelled, and I quote, "a you-shaped hole in the smell of this dump". Fraction, Logan has a very acute sense of smell, not an echolocation device in his nostrils.
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Best Art Dissection:

This blog's readers don't condone laziness, at least, 77% of them don't.

A02-"FACE IS NOT IN MURDOCK'S BOOK.." (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

COMMENT: Simplification is one thing; plain old laziness is another.

TITLE: A-Team: War Stories: Murdock (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Guiu Vilanova (penciller).

DISSECTION: Artists, and particularly IDW artists, are known to not draw faces on background characters. While it's a practice I don't consider correct, it's understandable. Some IDW artists, however, most specifically, the ones in most of their Star Trek books, have done it to characters that, while not important to the scene, are not in the background. This time, however, Vilanova has taken it too far:


Come on! This is outrageous! Those are the ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL!!! ONE OF THEM IS THE STAR OF THE BOOK, AND THE OTHER ONE IS TALKING!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY MOTHERFUCKER!??!!?!?!?!?!?!? Not happy with that, he does it twice more, once again to Murdock, star of the book, WHILE HE'S TALKING AND IS ONE OF THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL, AND THEN AGAIN... but in that panel Murdock is not talking, at least.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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Best Coloring Dissection:

Reading the script is apparently a requirement...

C03-"THE GRAY HOOD." (The Dissector #181, 10/14/10)

COMMENT: This was just baffling.

TITLE: Red Hood: The Lost Days (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Jason Todd is trying to find a girl in a car that's, unwittingly, carrying a bomb. Over the phone, he asks her what kind of car she's in, and she says the car is red. But the colorist made the car gray or black...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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Best Lettering Dissection:

My readership is loyal, and is bothered by the same things I am.

L03-"HÉRR." (The Dissector #185, 11/19/10)

COMMENT: Two of my pet peeves (well, the same one twice, basically), mixed together.

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 647.

CULPRIT: Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Joe's one of my favorite letterers, and that makes this dissection worse... he letter's what's supposed to be the word "Señor" as "Senõr". Not only that, he makes the "o" smaller because of the tilde. *sigh*

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzar's for fucking up the word, 7 for the smaller letter.
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Best Other Dissection:

This one was weird enough to not be ignored.

O04-"FIRST ISSUE EVER... AGAIN!" (The Dissector #187, 11/23/10)

COMMENT: There's hype, and then there's lying and being ridiculous.

TITLE: Spider-Girl V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Stephen Wacker (senior editor), Nate Cosby (editor), Tom Brennan (associate editor), and Mike Horwitz (assistant editor).

DISSECTION: Cover for this first issue says it's the "most synapse-shattering super hero debut of the decade". Really? Can someone explain to me how that's possible? Araña has been around since 2004; and she changed costume and name months ago, jumping around other books with it since then... This is not a debut in any way... at least not a "super hero debut". It might be a "solo series debut" (which would be partially correct), but not what they say...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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Now, the positive awards on which you could vote:
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Best Quote:

This category was a tie; so I had to choose between the winner and another one. The winner was, ultimately, the one that worked well without knowing who said it (even if we do know) of the two.

Q03-"This station will be ground up with your bones into the finest powder which we will snort in our victory orgy." Drenx commander, S.W.O.R.D. #5. (The Dissector #154, 03/19/10)
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Best Moment:

Not my choice; but it was one of the "he had it coming" moments of the year.

M03-From Siege #4: It's over, Norman. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

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Best Cover:

I don't think this was even a contest, I just had to put a few covers around it to give options.

T02-From The Amazing Spider-Man V1 #625. The Gauntlet could get a bit repetitive, but the Rhino storyline was definitely compelling. Cover by Marko Djurdjevic. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

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Best Fight:

Yeah, this was pretty badass.

F03-Don't mess with John Walker (the former U.S.Agent), even when he's missing limbs! From Thunderbolts #147 (The Dissector #175, 09/07/10)


Now it's time for those awards that are given just for sheer dissection quantities:
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Company With Most Dissections: Marvel wins again; but unlike last year, when the difference was only 24 dissections, in this case it's almost ten times that; 232. Marvel had 1110 dissections, and DC 878.
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Company With Most Dissections Per Titles Ratio: DC wins this year, with a ratio of 6.2 from 878 dissections in 103 different titles I dissected during 2010; against Dynamite's 7.7 ratio (116 dissections in 15 titles), and Marvel's ratio of 6.2 (1110 dissections in 178 titles). I read more Dynamite books this year, it seems, than last year.
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Book With Most Dissections: Zorro doesn't win this year, even with 57 dissections, because there's another title with 63 dissections of its own... The Dissector. However, two things disqualify this column:

1) First, it's not a comic. I only review my own dissections because fair is fair.

2) X-Men Forever V2 (50 dissections), and X-Men Forever 2 (26 dissections) are basically the same book. They share the same characters, the same storyline; Chris Claremont writes both, and Tom Grummett is the main penciller in the first book and one of the most important two in the second one; plus, they share other creators (like letterer Tom Orzechowski). Combined, these two books get 76 dissections, and win this award.
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Book Family With Most Dissections: The X-Men family, with 369 dissections. Well behind are the Batman books with 206, and the Green Lantern books with 131. It's interesting to see how GL, with only three monthly books gets that third spot. No surprise to see the X-Men family get the first spot, since it's probably the most prolific family; although Batman is close, and I don't read all Bat books all the time... but then again, I don't read the half-dozen Wolverine books either.
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Most Dissected Writer: I got most dissections this year, with 59; but for the same reasons as above, the award goes to Chris Claremont's 52 dissections. Far behind, Matt Fraction and Matt Wagner share a spot with 39 each.
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Most Dissected Artist: Mark Bagley and Freddie Williams II share first spot with 21, Ivan Reis gets second spot with 16, and 15 dissections each gets Ardian Syaf and Mike Mayhew a shared third spot.
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Most Dissected Colorist: Hi-Fi takes top spot with 44 dissections, but I suspect they're actually a team and not one person. Dissector old friend Jeromy Cox (48 dissections) is second place, and Peter Pantazis gets third with 22 dissections.
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Most Dissected Letterer: Simon Bowland is only third place with 43 dissections, workhorse Joe Caramagna (for sheer volume of work, not for dissection ratio) gets second spot with 45, and this category's winner is another workhorse, Dave Lanphear, with 69 dissections.
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Most Dissected "Other": The Marvel Handbooks are even more riddled with mistakes than before, giving their head writer/coordinator Michael Hoskin a first place with 32 dissections. Stephen Wacker is far, far behind in his second place (9 dissections), and Tom Brennan and Jeff Christiansen share a third spot with 8 dissections each.
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Single Issue With Most Dissections: Fantastic Four In... Ataque Del M.O.D.O.K.! (Marvel); a one-shot with forty-six dissections; forty-three of them being smaller accented letters or Ñs (something I no longer report in the column, but I did report it last year, so...). This issue was responsible for 62% of the dissections that gave Dave Lanphear the top spot in the Letterer category.
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And now, special awards given because... well, because I damn pleased, and because of certain merits or lack thereof.
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Cyclone Fashion Award To The Most Mutable Costume: Dick Grayson's Batman costume. Frank Quitely (I think) designed it, but almost nobody else could keep it straight; even changing the shape of his chest emblem between pages.
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Most Puzzling Mistake: Last year, Marvel started using a new font (here's an example) for credits, "next issue" blurbs and so on; in some of their books.

Most comic book fonts are all capital letters; and some feature two all-caps versions with slight differences, depending on whether you type lower case or capital text. This particular font has a difference in the "A" (though I don't know if it comes from caps/not caps); as you can see in the image linked above. Some "A"s have a small addendum on their upper left corner; something that would be pretty stupid in languages that use accented letters, but well, not in English.

However, Marvel could never decide when to use this modified "A". Was it for the larger letters in the last names? Well, no, as you can see in the first line of last names with Gage and Buchman, one with, and the other without. Was it only for the smaller letters in first names? No, as you can see in "Dan" (with) Buckley and "Rachel" (without) Pinnelas.

Sometimes they were used for the first letter of names beginning in A; sometimes they were used in all "A"s in the page; sometimes for none except one, etc... In one "also on sale this month" page "Secret Avengers" would have the special A, but Avengers Academy (in the same font, size, and usage) would not; then in another comic "Avengers Academy" in the same font, size and usage in a "also on sale" page would get the special "A" for both words. And so on. In any combination you can imagine.

From the examples I had saved to write this column, and from what I can see from a quick search, it looks it was something used exclusively for the Avengers line; except for a couple of exceptions (that I could find, Young Allies and Captain America: Forever Allies). Also, it seems to be something done by Virtual Calligraphy letterers. Then again, those are only the books I took note of because the lettering was inconsistent... sometimes, by sheer coincidence, they were consistent (using all special "A"s, or only for last names, etc).

Obviously, this is not something horrible; and it's not even something I will keep reporting, as previously mentioned. But it was, without a doubt, baffling. And it will continue to baffle me, both as a reader, and as a (new, very green) letterer.
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The You Make Doc Brown Cry Timeline Fuck-Up Award: DC Universe Legacies (DC) uses the age-old plot device of showing the history of the fictional universe through the eyes of a common citizen... but fails miserably. I've said it every time the book came out; because every time they made it worse: the book's main character starts out as a young boy in the late 30s or early 40s and is swayed away from a life of crime after being impressed by the JSA in their first appearances; but then, as the book progresses, he's shown as a young, fit policeman when Superman first appears, when Doomsday kills Superman, etc.
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Coal-Fueled Diesel Trainwreck Issue Award: An award reserved for an issue that was really, really bad; this time around it doesn't go to a comic book, but to a handbook; Heroic Age: Heroes (Marvel). Apart from the usual load of mistakes (spelling mistakes, continuity errors, etc); in this case, what gets this issue the award is the fact that it fails at the very purpose of a handbook.

For some reason, perhaps due to being written in-universe by Steve Rogers, the usual Marvel Handbook power meters are not used. Instead, a power grid consisting of the following attributes is used: power, conscience, altruism, wisdom, courage, determination, free will, and vulnerability (in a scale from 1 to 10). Apparently, Hoskin and his writers have no idea what many of these words mean; look at how some characters are measured according to those attributes:

• Beast has an altruism of 9, while Angel, Reed Richards, Mockingbird, NAMORA, COLLECTIVE MAN, RADIOACTIVE MAN, Thor, Longshot, and JIMMY WOO have 10??!?!?!?!?!?
  
  
• Wolverine has a 5 altruism? Toro (the new bull-mutated kid, not the WWII Kid Torch) has a 7?
  
  
• Paladin (a mercenary) has an altruism of 7, same as Northstar, and more than Moon Knight? And Elixir, a healer gets 5?
  
  
• A-Bomb has a power of 8, while Angel has a 7, and American Eagle an 8. In what world are those characters of comparable power?
  

Vulnerability seems to be a mixture of physical and mental/emotional vulnerability, and even if you mix up the words "vulnerability" "invulnerability", switching the ends of the spectrum, it's still very fucked up:

• A-Bomb and American Eagle have the same rating, 8; and Angel a 6... making Angel less vulnerable than those two? Or only two points more vulnerable?
  
  
• Asgardians as a race have a vulnerability of 6. The same as Angel and Luke Cage.
  
  
• Captain Britain has a vulnerability of 2... if it's a physical attribute, he's not that resistant, if it's a mental/emotional attribute, his insecurities are not reflected.
  
  
• Despite his looks, the Thing is one of the most mentally stable characters in the whole Marvel universe, not to mention one of the most powerful, physically speaking. Then why does he get a vulnerability rating of 6?
  
  
• Darwin, one of the most unbalancedly powerful characters in the X-teams, has a vulnerability of 5, when he's basically indestructible?
  

This is delicate... Normally, a detail like this wouldn't score too high; but because this is a handbook, the attributes in the power grid are a basic part of the book. Furthermore, it's done by Steve Rogers, who's one of the better judges of character and tactical minds in the Marvel universe, so these fucked up ratings make him look like an idiot.

Something like this garners the handbook team the "Golden Bonesaw Award" for catastrophic underachievement.
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Best Book Of The Year: Captain America: Patriot (Marvel). Yes, a miniseries; but it got best book of the week each time it came out, and in fact, since this year the best book of the week really varied from week to week, it ended up being the only book with more than three "best book of the week" notches. To quote myself when I chose the first issue as best book of its week: "Karl Kesel is a veteran character writer, and he gets the 40s dialogue and feel perfectly. For a book with a lot of narration (in the form of newspaper articles), it reads easily. Artist Mitch Breitweiser, with colorist and wife Bettie Breitweiser, draw a story that's both modern and WWII... like a (good) propaganda poster come to life."

Maybe I enjoyed other books more over the course of the year; since they were ongoings; or had characters (like Spidey, Green Lantern or the Legion) that I enjoy more; and this book was going to get (regardless of the "best book" count) "best miniseries"... but I have to concede it gets top spot for 2010.
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Worst Book Of The Year: JSA All-Stars almost made it because of the horrible art; having been worst book of the week four times; but in the end Teen Titans had that spot six times in the year... half the times it came out (and I'm not counting specials like Teen Titans: Cold Case). No fixed creative time, writers that didn't seem to get the characters, and artists who just didn't cut it. Some samples of what I said about the book when I picked it as worst book of the week:

"(...) boring story, confusing dialogue, plain art. That simple."

"(...) the Dakota plot was weak, and Holocaust was insanely powerful (even with a power-up), taking on Superboy, Miss Martian, Kid Flash and Wonder Girl head-to-head... plus, I hate this new trend of allowing Beast Boy to shapeshift into alien or mythological animals..."

"(...) The art is not as bad as it's been before, but it still shows at certain points where Luís didn't put any effort into faces, and writer Felicia D. Henderson... should stay away from the Titans... cheesy dialogues, weird plot twists, characters behaving like jerks, and harebrained power-effects make for a bad comic."
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Creator That I'm Sorry I Have To Dissect Award: Fred Van Lente. I love his writing, and when I find errors in it, I hate to point them out.
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Worst Character Depiction Although You Obviously Have Talent Award: In Uncanny X-Men #527 Whilce Portacio and Leonard Kirk make Emma Frost seem like a crack whore, and Colossus like a mentally deficient jock. I was shocked.
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Breakout Book Of The Year: The Sixth Gun (Oni Press). Great read; without being really groundbreaking, but it stands out as a new book of the year to pay attention to. Excellent for anyone who likes westerns with a touch of supernatural, and quite possibly a good read for those who don't usually read comics.
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Bloody Stumps With Blunt Crayolas Award: With a single bound, Leandro Oliveira lands a Superman issue, with art that looks like this:


Yes, Rod Reis's unusually bad coloring helps, but look at those characters... man...
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Best Character Of The Year: Once more, the single best written, more entertaining character is Spider-Man. Both by the Spider-Brain Trust or now in solitary by Dan Slott (although he makes appearances in Avenger and FF books), the character grows and evolves at the same time it's still portrayed according to his essence, to his basic characterization.
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Worst Character Of The Year: Red Robin. Come on, I understand the need to get Tim Drake a niche of his own, but Jr. Batman isn't really the way to go!
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Best Event Of The Year: Superman: Last Stand of New Krypton. Pretty much self-contained, and action packed, despite some slight mistakes and the occasional weak art.
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Worst Event Of The Year: The Return Of Bruce Wayne (as "The Insider"). The whole miniseries by Morrison was boring, but the whole plot point as "The Insider" was even wrose.

YOU'RE WEARING A YELLOW UTILITY BELT! YOU HAVE A SUIT THAT GIVES YOU THE POWERS OF CLASSIC JUSTICE LEAGUE MEMBERS! YOUR GLOVES HAVE BATMAN SPIKES!!! AND SHE'S THE FOREMOST EXPERT IN INFORMATION IN THE SUPERHERO COMMUNITY!!! STOP TREATING THIS INSIDER SHIT AS MYSTERIOUS, IT'S OBVIOUS TO ALL HIS FUCKING ALLIES (AND ANYONE WHO CAN ADD 2+2) THAT THAT'S BATMAN!!!!!
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Best Publisher Of The Year: Personally, I liked a lot of the stuff DC put out this year, but they also had a lot of weak moves (see above, for example). Marvel, all in all, offered a great all-around spread of books with in every family of books (X-Men, Avengers, street heroes, etc).
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Worst Publisher Of The Year: Dynamite Comics, again, because they keep publishing books with gross Spanish mistake, and it's obvious they don't care, despite publishing a lot of good stuff.
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Funniest Book Of The Year: Atomic Robo (Red 5 Comics); in any of its permutations, always fun and funny.
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Best Creator Of The Year: Shared by Paul Levitz and Yildiray Cinar, for bringing back the Legion in style. I'm sad Cinar gradually did less and less of the LSH art, and that he won't be working on the team anymore. He was made for the book, and what can I say about Levitz? He still has it.
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Worst Creator Of The Year: I only read one book with art by him, and Leandro Oliveira (who did this) gets this award. Yes, a lot of other creators fucked up, but at least they do it in the process of delivering otherwise good stuff. Even Simon Spurrier... wait, I was going to excuse Simon, but he wrote an X-book where Dr. Nemesis said "Science-Gaze sees all, brainfail! There WILL be crotch-punching!", so... they share.
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Dumbest Plot Move: Bruce Wayne reveals he's behind Batman, and has been for years.

Batman, Inc. is a good concept, but I believe it's stupid for Bruce Wayne to reveal he's behind Batman, particularly when he a) still runs around inside a Batman costume, b) his three closest costumed associates are his children (two adoptive and one biological), c) those three sons are the exact heights and builds as the other Batman, Red Robin, and Robin and he paraded them in front of the press even if Damian hadn't been introduced to the public, and d) half of Gotham's population might suspect him of being Batman anyway. Add on top of that the fact that he's going around the world fronting Batman, Inc. and dealing with foreign governments and police departments, behaving in ways that completely throw overboard his playboy persona, and it's like he doesn't care if his cover is blown... Wait, maybe he just gave up on hiding it altogether! Of course, he has protection, so do his friends and associates... man, what a great moment to be a random employee of Wayne Enterprises!!!
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Most Baffling Dyslexia: Dear comic book writers, "physiognomy" does not mean the same as "physiology" or "anatomy". In case you're too lazy to click on links or crack open a fucking dictionary, here are the definitions of "physiognomy":

1. the face or countenance, esp. when considered as an index to the character: a fierce physiognomy.
2. Also called anthroposcopy. the art of determining character or personal characteristics from the form or features of the body, esp. of the face.
3. the outward appearance of anything, taken as offering some insight into its character: the physiognomy of a nation.

It is not, I repeat, NOT, a word that you can use to refer to mutant physiology/anatomy (like I dissected before on an X-Men book), nor a word you can use to refer to the digitized information of a person's body for teleportation... WORDS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!! THEY LIVE INSIDE DICTIONARIES!!! AND NOW, THEY'RE EVEN INSIDE THE INTERNET!!!!
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That's it for this year; I'll be on the outlook for more nominees, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

While I prepare the column with the last three weeks of February (yes, I'm AWFULLY late, I know), here's The Rundown for those weeks: Abyss: Family Issues (accented letter), Adventure Comics V1 (Night Girl's hair should be black, not brown), The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (ñ, a loose quotation mark), Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis (Beast looks wrong, Storm's eyes are not white when she's not using her powers, Jaspers is no "boy" or "adolescent"), Astonishing X-Men V2 ("past" ancestors... how do you get "future ancestors"? Well, this IS Marvel...), The Avengers V4 (inconsistent credit and upcoming features lettering), B.P.R.D. Hell On Earth: Gods (internal issue numbering), Batman (Enigma's eyes and Riddler's hair are colored incorrectly), Birds Of Prey V3 (Dove's agility is not mentioned in her powers), Booster Gold V2 (Rip Hunter's eyes and hair are wrong), Brightest Day (Aqualad shouldn't have calf fins), Captain America V2 (Black Widow's eyes should be green), DC Universe: Legacies (the effin' timeline; Spark gets called "Spark" and then "Sparks", Hal's badge is wrong, and his boots are white on another page), Doom Patrol V5 (Rita's eyes are colored incorrectly, two different word balloons point to wrong characters, Scandal's eye are also miscolored), Fantastic Four V1 (Danielle Cage should not look like she's three months old), Generation Hope (Shadowcat's eyes shouldn't be blue, Gabriel's eyes are brown first, then blue), Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors (badges), Green Lantern Corps V2 (Ganthet has blank eyes at one point... for no reason), Heroes For Hire V3 (Baby Cage again, "personalitied" is not a real word), Iron Siege (if you use translation brackets, don't leave untranslated words inside... and a Sergeant would never be the "CO" of a military unit... in charge, yes, but never "CO", and the unit is too small to be just the "101st Airborne"), Justice League: Generation Lost (Guy Gardner's eyes are wrong), Justice League Of America V2 ("Los Grandes Nombres" is not the right translation for "The Big Names"), Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (Dawnstar's skin, eyes and powers), Namor: The First Mutant (Doom's eyes are colored wrong, so are Namor's, some Atlanteans have red eyes for no reason, and the logomancer is still Caucasian, with no explanation), The New Avengers V2 (Wanda's eyes should be blue, inconsistent credit lettering), Onslaught Unleashed (Beast looks wrong, accented letter), Outsiders V3 (Grace and Geo-Force have the wrong eye colors), Power Man And Iron Fist (numerous language errors, both in writing and lettering, an incorrect description of Power Man's power), Red Robin (accented letters), Spider-Girl V2 (Anya's skin should not be dark), Star Wars: Legacy - War (an incorrectly italicized word, an incorrectly spelled word in Huttese), T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents (two accents that are almost horizontal lines), Teen Titans V3 (a misplaced question mark), Ultimate Spider-Man (Cairo looks nothing like it does here, Tony Stark's eyes are colored incorrectly), Uncanny X-Force (Wolverine's eyes should be blue), Uncanny X-Men (accented letter), The Unwritten (accented letters), Warlord Of Mars (it's either "Uncle Jack" or "Captain John", not "Captain Jack", and "the" is spelled "they" in a text), Widowmaker (wrong eye color for the former Red Guardian, and the first issue of Blind Spot is announced for the wrong date), X-Factor V3 (Layla and Madrox's eyes are colored incorrectly, and Layla calls Madrox her "fiancée" at one point, accented letter), X-Men: To Serve And Protect (accented letter), X-Men Legacy (accented letters).

The Dissector #194.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

01/05-"It's true. Reading superhero comics leads to loneliness and virginity. (...) Reading off-kilter books like "The Goon" and "Billy The Kid's Old Timey Oddities" makes you seem manly and interesting and leads to loads of vagina. Loads." Franky, Billy The Kid's Old Timey Oddities And The Ghastly Fiend Of London #4 (The Goon backup story).

01/12-"I want a secret weapon with which I can shatter the false consciousness of the masses and overturn social order. And more realistic porn." Buddy, Vision Machine #1.

01/19-"(...) nowadays with all the clowns running around Gotham, you'd be nuts to go into an abandoned amusement park by yourself." Anthony Marchetti, Batman: Streets Of Gotham #19.

01/19-"Find a hole and climb into it. Or else find a really tall tower and plant a flag on the top. Either way, they're gonna find you. Just depends on how you want to go out." The Basilisk, Age Of X: Alpha.

Yes, I know. I'm horribly late. But I had vacations from work the second half of January, and I was already behind, and... well, here's a column for THE ENTIRE MONTH OF JANUARY!!! Before we go into the column itself, let me remind you of two things: First, that I built a Facebook fan page for the column... Here it is. Please go click "like"; and promote it. Second, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU HAVEN'T VOTED IN THE 2010 AUTOPSY AWARDS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Seriously, go check out the nominations and vote. If you already voted, please disregard this outburst. Also, while you're at it, there's a design-your-own-superhero contest at Talenthouse, sponsored by The Stan Lee Foundation... would you mind going to this page and click on the right to vote with your Facebook account? Thanks!

Last column's DT! was cracked by JohnnyDoe, who noticed that Atlanteans in DC (and Marvel, for that part) naturally breathe oxygen from the water they inhabit, not air; and Waid wrote they suffocate for lack of "oxygenated air". DC Atlanteans, by the way, can breathe outside water too; while Marvel Atlanteans can't (unless they're mutants like Namor and others). Badge for Commander JohnnyDoe!

Let's get The Dissector's Picks Of Each Week out of the way as fast as possible. Best Book Of The Week for 01/05 was Iron Man Legacy #10... Van Lente's writing is engaging, the art is good, and the use of The Pride is a good bonus to those of us who enjoyed the original Runaways run. Worst Book of that week was Batman Confidential #52... it's not bad per-se, but if you're going to write stories that are set in continuity but are current-continuity-light, Iron Man Legacy is the way to go; not Batman Confidential. Incidentally, Batman Confidential is the only survivor of the "Confidential" line at DC, remember we had Superman/JLA/JSA Confidential books? And I question Marvel's naming of book... Iron Man Legacy is a flashback book, but X-Men Legacy is just one of the regular X-Men books... and it's not even the original one (which is now Uncanny X-Men)... what gives? Cover Of The Week for 01/05, to your right, is the Module Edition cover for Dark Sun #1, by Wayne Reynolds. Good art that shows you what Dark Sun feels like, and you know I like the module variant idea.

Best Book Of The Week for 01/12 was Black Panther: The Man Without Fear #514. Great pulp feel from David Liss' writing and Francesco Francavilla's art. Worst Book Of The Week was Red Robin #19, an awful and tired "computer mindscape adventure" story. While Marcus To's art with Guy Major's colors make for clean, cartoony but not ridiculous visuals; but Fabian Nicieza's a much better writer than this, that much I know. Best Cover, to your left, is one of DC's iconic covers of lately, by Aaron Lopresti, for Justice League: Generation Lost #17. Simple and pretty.

Week 01/19 brought us Best Book Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 #9. Just good Legion adventures with Paul Levitz writing; and while I prefer all the art was Yildiray Cinar's, his team up with Wayne Faucher is not bad. Worst Book was Brightest Day #18... was it badly written or drawn? No, but this book hardly does anything to me, it's not engaging, I can't find it in myself to care for it... and there was nothing that struck me as actually bad this week. To your right, Cover Of The Week is from LSH #9 too; and another iconic cover by the same art team as the interior art... it just tells you what the Legion is off the bat. I would have preferred to have Quislet on it, but I can't have everything, now can I?

Best Book Of The Week for 01/26 was The Sixth Gun #8, as this voodoo western by Cullen Bunn and Brian Hurtt continues to be a great read. Worst Book Of The Week was Chaos War: X-Men #2, as pointless as tie-in minis are these days, this one is one of the most pointless... And the last Cover Of The Week for this month, to your left, is one the variant covers for X-Men V3 #7, celebrating the Fantastic Four's 50th anniversary. Paolo Rivera (credited inside the book as "Paulo", even though HE WROTE HIS FRICKIN NAME ON THE PIECE HE SUBMITTED AS A COVER) really captured FF #1's look in his painted style.


The Rundown: Action Comics (Joker's face is not like it should be), Adventure Comics V1 (Dawnstar's powers are incomplete), American Vampire ("gothca" instead of "gotcha"), The Avengers V4 (inconsistent credit lettering), Avengers: The Children's Crusade (inconsistent credit and next issue lettering), Avengers Prime (inconsistent lettering), B.P.R.D.-Hell On Earth: Gods (inconsistent series numbering), Batman Confidential (Hal Jordan's badge is right, then wrong), Batman (Enigma's eyes are colored wrong, Riddler's hair is colored wrong, accented letters), Birds Of Prey V3 (Dove's powers are incomplete, a speech balloon points to the wrong character), Booster Gold V2 (accented letters, Rip Hunter's eyes and hair are colored wrong), Brightest Day ("darkenss"), Captain America V2 (Black Widow's eyes are colored incorrectly), Chaos War: Dead Avengers (Beast looks nothing like he should, and his eyes are blank in an old painting), Chaos War: X-Men (the story mentions Banshee dying before Moira, but it was the other way around), Chip 'N Dale Rescue Rangers ("San Paolo" instead of "Sao Paulo"), Doom Patrol V5 (Rita Farr's eyes are colored incorrectly, as are Scandal Savage's), Fantastic Four V1 (Leech's speech patterns are wrong), Freedom Fighters (a sword is referred to as a "staff"), Fringe: Tales From The Fringe (accented letters and eñes), Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors (Guy's badge and ring are wrong), I Am An Avenger (inconsistent credit lettering), Klaws Of The Panther (Black Widow's eyes are colored incorrectly), The New Avengers V2 (baby Cage is too young looking, ñ, inconsistent credit lettering), Red Robin (Riddler's hair is colored incorrectly, several accented letters), Supergirl V5 (the Kryptonite's Man eyebeams should be green, not heat vision red), T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents ("negligience"), Uncanny X-Force (Deadpool's skin looks too smooth and healthy), Vision Machine ("Sao Paolo", "managment"), X-Factor V3 (Madrox's eyes are colored incorrectly), X-Men V3 (cover artist Paolo Rivera is credited as "Paulo", and WTF are Dum Dum Dugan and other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents doing in the X-Men's command center?), X-Men (Taco Bell Promo) (accented letters, and Nightcrawler's boots are colored incorrectly in a panel), X-Men Forever 2 (Mystique changes shape and the effect looks like a hologram fading; not her usual morphing; weird dialogue, "runic" is not a language you speak but a way of writing several different languages, Storm's eyes shouldn't be all white unless she's using her powers), X-Men Legacy (accented letters), X-Men: To Serve And Protect (Reed Richard's eyes are colored incorrectly).
<-------------------------------->
"WRONG SOUTHERNER, SUGAH!"

TITLE: Age Of X: Alpha (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Mike Carey (writer).

DISSECTION: Cannonball says his family is from Caldecott County (which, while unsaid, is a fictitious Mississippi county), when they're actually from Cumberland County (a real Kentucky county). Yes, I suppose that this being an alternate reality, it could be different... except Caldecott County is where Rogue is from.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Wolverine's eyes are brown in another story.
<-------------------------------->
"THAT DOOR IS MADE OF KRYPTONITE! WAIT, WRONG HERO..."

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 652.

CULPRIT: Dan Slott (writer).

DISSECTION: Peter slowly walks into a closed door... and it gives him a bloody, bruised nose. Really? Spider-Man's that much of a wimp?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, there's an accented letter that's not smaller... but a lower-case letter in the midst of a whole page of upper-case dialogue...
<-------------------------------->
"BATMAN'S OLDER THANK HE LOOKS."

TITLE: Batman: Streets Of Gotham (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Paul Dini (writer).

DISSECTION: No, and a thousand times no. Bruce Wayne's parents couldn't have been in their 20s when heroes like Alan Scott and Jay Garrick were part of the All-Star Squadron or JSA and invited Zatara to join them... that's like the 1940s!

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"G.I. JOE: STEALTH MASTERS!"

TITLE: G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (IDW).

ISSUE: 162.

CULPRIT: Larry Hama (writer) and SL Gallant (penciller).

DISSECTION: Cobra is on the run! G.I. Joe sends two agents to spy on them, and when they see the Baroness going her own way in an unmarked sedan, they decide to tail her through Jersey Shore roads... in full military gear, in a green military jeep with a double-barrel laser turret mounted in the back...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Come on! Also, they mention the Baroness walking around in full black leather outfit when it's clearly Cobra-blue; not even "comic-book-black-with-blue-shades", but straight up blue.
<-------------------------------->
"HEROIC AGE: HERE WE GO AGAIN, THIS TIME ON THE KEY OF X."

TITLE: Heroic Age: X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator), various writers not specifically credited.

DISSECTION: It's the X-Men's turn at this; a few small mistakes; but nowhere near the level of previous Heroic Age handbooks:

• Steve Rogers didn't award Cyclops the Presidential Medal Of Freedom; while he asked the President of the USA to do it, it's awarded by... yes, you guessed it... the President of the USA.
  
  
• Karma's back history can't have communist Vietnam in it anymore, it's 2011.
  
  
• Magma's ancestry is described as "the daughter of one of the ancestors of an original citizen of Nova Roma"... what?
  
  
• Renascence, the former Wind Dancer (Sofia Mantega) was born in Venezuela, not Argentina.
  
  
• Alternate reality Steve Rogers dubbed "Captain Mexica" was not an agent of the Mexican government, since Mexico does not actually exist as a nation in his reality. He's an Aztec Empire agent.

DISSECT-O-METER: Various.
<-------------------------------->
"POWER SUIT, POWER BEARD!"

TITLE: The Invincible Iron Man V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 33.

CULPRIT: Jamie McKelvie (penciller).

DISSECTION: Tony Stark shaves in the morning, then goes to bed and falls asleep clean shaven (except for his perfectly trimmed 'stache and beard, of course)... and wakes up to look in the mirror at his five o' clock shadow stubble? How macho is the man to grow that much beard overnight?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, colorist Matt Wilson decided Tony has green eyes, instead of blue ones.
<-------------------------------->
"JUST WING IT. WHAT, HE'S DEAD? WHO CARES!"

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 53.

CULPRIT: Mark Bagley (penciller) and James Robinson (writer) in some.

DISSECTION: Is this the same Bagley that used to do Ultimate Spider-Man? Because he seems to be phoning it in here... both in terms of quality and accuracy. He draws the Doom Patrol looking like they did back in the 1960s, Geo-Force flying in the background when he wouldn't be there due to events in Outsiders... and the JSA shows up with Damage, who's dead?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars each, as well as Hal Jordan's badge being wrong, and an accented letter.
<-------------------------------->
"RED EYE SUBMARINE RIDE."

TITLE: Namor: The First Mutant (Marvel)

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Ariel Olivetti (artist).

DISSECTION: Atlantean street signs in English, a Caucasian-skinned logomancer, Namor's eyes incorrectly colored, Doctor Doom's too, as well as Dr. Nemesis's hair... but what puzzles me the most is the fact that random Atlanteans have red glowing eyes. Why?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DISSECTION OF STEEL."

TITLE: Steel V2 (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Steve Lyons (writer).

DISSECTION: Come on, dissect his one as Steel prepares to face Doomsday:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IN-JOKE."

TITLE: The Thanos Imperative: Devastation (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Dan Abnett & Andy Lanning (writers).

DISSECTION: The "Knowhere/Nowhere" joke should not work in Shi'ar language.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
So the first month of the year had ninety-four dissections, with an average of 6.7 Bazzars... on the high end of the usual spectrum. Moments Of The Week... Month! Quite a few, obviously, let's start with Dale shows he's just not the Rescue Rangers' clown:


Or rather, he's a clown with a purpose. Next, look's who's part of the Superman Family in the future:


Barry Obama! And you know what I didn't see coming, speaking of time travel?


That! Next, from the D&D comic, something I or one of my players would do:


I laughed out loud, honestly. What looks like a fairy tale story end, but is not bound to be "forever and ever"?


Yeah, that. Next, who Hercules gets real:


Or mortal. That should be interesting. Now, remember what I said about Cobra being very subtle? And the Jersey Shore?


... I wasn't lying. FIST PUMP! And from KODT, two beasts meet..


... and don't clash! And last, to kick-off Age Of X, Magneto does one of those nice stunts he tends to pull:


Something like lifting most of Manhattan in the air and transporting it away for use as a mutant fortress. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #184.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Why does every BBQ I have end with a dead hippie being molested?" Franky, Billy The Kid's Old Timey Oddities And The Ghastly Fiend Of London #2 (The Goon backup story).

And here we are, still playing catch up. This is the column for books released on 10/27; and another month ends with that week. Don't be surprised if I churn out another column within the week... but don't be disappointed if I don't.

Last week's DT! was cracked by Darryn, who correctly mentioned the fact that both Supergirl and Batman (Dick Grayson) are members of the current JLA line up, and it wouldn't be logical for her to not know if he was out on actual JLA business. Darryn gets a badge for that, and he also gets an apology for me not mentioning he had solved the previous one as well. In fact, I didn't even mention the DT! from #182 last column, which was that Cannonball cannot float in mid-air without his blast field showing. Darryn gets a badge for cracking that one, and he gets a second badge in apology too.

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are the following: Best Book Of The Week was Captain America: Patriot #3, not much that I can say that I haven't said before in this column about that book. In fact, this is the third issue of the book, and each issue has been Best Book Of The Week when it came out. Karl Kesel and Mitch & Bettie Breitweiser do a top-notch job. Worst Book Of The Week was Superman #704... G. Willow Wilson can't salvage JMS's boring storyline, and much less if this is what the art by Leandro Oliveira (and Rod Reis's uncharacteristic bad coloring) looks like. DC, this is Superman, the namesake title of your most important character... don't allow this stuff to happen.

The Rundown: The Amazing Spider-Man (Harry Osborn's eyes are colored incorrectly), The Avengers V4 (inconsistent lettering, Tony Stark's eyes shouldn't be brown), Avengers And The Infinity Gauntlet (Hulk's eyes are colored incorrectly, his size is wrong and he changes sizes, Doom's eyes are wrong too), Avengers Vs. Pet Avengers (for the nth time, Lockheed doesn't have plates), Black Widow V4 ("foriegn"), Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Oracle (Alfred's eyes and hair are colored incorrectly... ALFRED, FOR GOD'S SAKE... ALMOST BALD, BLACK/GRAY HAIR, BLUE EYES!!!), Captain America: Patriot (accented letters), Fantastic Four V1 ("a hour"), Shadowland: Moon Knight (accented letter), Spider-Man Vs. Vampires (vampires don't have a society? bullshit, it flies against the large vampire storyline currently running in the X-Men), Star Wars: Invasion - Rescues (again, The New Jedi Order era is not about Luke Skywalker and his descendants), Supergirl V6 (how is Saturn Girl nicknamed Emm, when her name is Imra?), Superman V1 (Lois Lane should not be an orange belt in a martial art, given her history, she should be a black belt), Teen Titans V3 ("docter"?), Thunderbolts (Juggernaut's eyes are colored wrong), Time Masters: Vanishing Point (Hal Jordan's badge both in the cover and inside the book is wrong, and his boots get colored white in a panel), Ultimate Avengers 3 ("athrax"), Ultimate Mystery (Nathaniel Essex gets referred to as "Sterns", a scene has all the speech balloons mixed up between four characters), Uncanny X-Men (Cannonball's power description is incomplete), X-Men: Curse Of The Mutants - X-Men Vs. Vampires (Rockslide is drawn much smaller than he should be).
<-------------------------------->
"TIME LIMITATIONS."

TITLE: Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Ra's Al Ghul (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Fabian Nicieza (writer).

DISSECTION: I refuse to believe that Bruce's stupid Insider armor needs twenty four hours between uses of the JLA teleporter. It's ridiculous, no matter how much I turn it around in my head. This is BATMAN, who (also stupidly) supposedly BUILT AND PROGRAMMED A SATELLITE TO SPY ON SUPERHUMANS.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
""

TITLE: DC Universe: Legacies (DC)

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Len Wein (writer).

DISSECTION: Again, there is no way the main character could have been alive while the original (Golden) Guardian was first active, and now meet his cloned version?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CREDIT, WHERE CREDIT IS DUE."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 183.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: As mentioned before, I forgot to include the solution and the "solver" of the previous DT! in column #183. JohnnyDoe noticed this, and gets a badge.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FUSILLADE."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 183.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Donald313 noticed the following: I wrote "Hous of M", "colored buy Jeromy Cox", "his last" (instead of "his last name"), "there a couple of" (instead of "there are").

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars each, four badges more for Donald313... who now surpasses JohnnyDoe as highest ranking active member in the HDSC (below me). Both are Commanders, Don has 33 badges, and JD 32.
<-------------------------------->
"OH MY GOD! WHAT'S NEXT, SUPERPOWERED BANK ROBBERS?"

TITLE: Justice Society Of America V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 44.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: Really, Alan Scott is surprised and shocked that super powered terrorists exist?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FOREVER DISSECTION 2."

TITLE: X-Men Forever 2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Mike Grell (penciller).

DISSECTION: Spot this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. There are also other lettering, coloring, pencilling and writing dissections in this issue and issue #9.
<-------------------------------->
Average this time is 6.1 Bazzars in forty-eight dissections. Regular. Now, Cover Of The Week is by Sean Murphy, for Hellblazer: City Of Demons:


I'm not sold on the Pinocchio nose on John, but the book is enjoyable, and this cover is nice. Moments Of The Week! First, Captain America is not afraid to hit a woman when she deserves it:


Of course, she deserves it for being a racist and a criminal, not for being female. Now, who does Ben Grimm have dinner with when he's human-looking for a day?


Stan and Jack, of course! And how do you purge bad luck from your gaming dice?


The list of ingredients is pretty hard to get... And guess who's a father again?


Yup. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #181.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Why must M'sieu Charcuter consistently deny mon plan jetpack magnifique?" Frenchie, The Boys #47.

On time! On time! Here is the column for books released on the week of 10/06. Last week's DT! was cracked, after much deliberation, by Commander JohnnyDoe, who gets a badge. The guy tells Rogue he'll use gravity to kill her, augmenting the mass of her heart. But gravity doesn't increase your mass, it increases your weight, which is a product of your mass times gravity. Science fail!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow: Best Book Of The Week was Superman: The Last Family of Krypton #3, last issue of the mini. Good resolution to a fun book. Worst Book Of The Week was Greek Street #16... subpar finish to what was, a readable book before.

The Rundown: Freedom Fighters V2 ("is" instead of "are"), JSA All-Stars (Power Girl is called Kara Zor-El instead of Zor-L), Spider-Man: Back in Quack (accented letters, and Bev's eyes change color between pages), Stargate: Daniel Jackson (Vala's hair has red highlights when the character has jet black hair), Taskmaster V2 (a story in Mexico... full of crappy Spanish and smaller accented letters), Ultimate Thor (accented letters), Uncanny X-Force ("devloped", smaller "ñ"), Unknown Soldier V4 (wrong German sentence), Young Allies (inconsistent credit lettering, Firestar's eyes are blue, then green).
<-------------------------------->
"GO WEST!"

TITLE: Doom Patrol V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Keith Giffen (writer) and/or Matthew Clark (penciller).

DISSECTION: David, one of the members of my faithful Honorary Dissector Scout Corps, noticed this one. Niles Caulder, with stolen Kryptonian powers, is said to be flying West from Manhattan, possibly towards Bialya, yet the monitor displays an arrow that points East from New York. Geography fail!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Rita Farr's eyes are colored incorrectly as usual... oh, and David gets a badge and makes Lieutenant! He also reported the JSA All-Stars dissection; which Matt Sturges himself admitted to on his Twitter.
<-------------------------------->
"CUATRO FANTASTICOS."

TITLE: Fantastic Four In... Ataque Del M.O.D.O.K.! (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Tom Beland (writer).

DISSECTION: Dissect me this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. There are surprisingly very few Spanish language writing mistakes (just two)... but FORTY-THREE smaller accented letters or Ñs. FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! In one issue, Dave Lanphear just jumped well ahead of his fellow letterers in dissections count...
<-------------------------------->
"THE MAIN ELF."

TITLE: R.E.B.E.L.S. (DC).

ISSUE: 21.

CULPRIT: Claude St. Aubin (penciller).

DISSECTION: No, Lobo doesn't have pointed ears.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"THE GRAY HOOD."

TITLE: Red Hood: The Lost Days (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Jason Todd is trying to find a girl in a car that's, unwittingly, carrying a bomb. Over the phone, he asks her what kind of car she's in, and she says the car is red. But the colorist made the car gray or black...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ABIN SUR: LAST OF THE UNGARANS."

TITLE: Superman: The Last Family Of Krypton (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 03.

CULPRIT: Renato Arlem (penciller).

DISSECTION: What's up with elven ears this week? Abin Sur gets them, when Ungarans do not have any visible feature that differentiates them from humans except their red skin (well, and males might be all bald, but I'm not sure about that).

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Lobo might have hair covering his ears, but Abin is a red cueball!
<-------------------------------->
A whopping eighty-two dissections this week, thanks to Dave Lanphear and his forty-three ones; with an average of 6.8 Bazzars; slightly higher than the usual, but still within normal limits. Cover Of The Week is this fun piece by Skottie Young:


I think Skottie's better suited to humorous stuff like this. First Moment Of The Week comes from R.E.B.E.L.S.:


A high intellect makes you a great spin doctor... Next, a good rousing speech from the most unlikely source:


Hercules! Herc 2.0, now with more godhead punch! And last, a romantic moment:


So that's why he chose a pornstar name! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #179.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"If that's how far Elijah is willing to go to make sure his "product" isn't tampered with... then Bliss must be one helluva high. (pause) I wonder what it tastes like?" Arsenal, who you don't take to a drug bust, Titans V2 #27.

Here I am, late again, with the column for books released on 09/22. Last week's DT! was cracked by Ensign Darryn, who correctly noticed that Hal Jordan and John Stewart are the Green Lanterns assigned to Space Sector 2814, while Guy Gardner and Kyle Rayner, while being from that sector and having been assigned there formerly, are now part of the Corps' Honor Guard.

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are the following: Best Book Of The Week was Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 #5... while Yildiray Cinar apparently had some time issues and part of the art of the issue was by Francis Portela (and you can tell when it's not Cinar's), the writing by Levitz was solid enough to make me overlook any flaws in the art... while this is not an incredible issue, it was the best I read this week, overall. Worst Book Of The Week was Justice League Of America V2 #49... pointless fill-in issue, not extremely bad, but not worthy of a JLA book.

The Rundown: Avengers Academy (inconsistent credit lettering, Osborn's eyes), The Avengers V4 (inconsistent credit and next issue lettering, Tony Stark's eyes should be blue), Ghost Projekt (weird grammar in translated text), Green Lantern Corps V2 (John's badge is wrong), Justice League: Generation Lost ("Checkmates'" no, "Checkmate's", Power Girl's power listing is short, Batman's emblems and gloves are wrong, Alfred's eyes are wrong), Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (Ultra Boy's power listing is incomplete, Shrinking Violet's eyes should be blue, not brown), Secret Avengers (Nick Fury's eye and John Steele's hair are colored incorrectly), Superman/Batman (Robin and Batman have incorrect costumes, all accented letters are too small), Titans V2 (Arsenal's eyes are colored incorrectly), Uncanny X-Men (Namor and Dazzler have blank eyes for some reason).
<-------------------------------->
"XENOSIZE."

TITLE: Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Kaare Andrews (penciller).

DISSECTION: Wolverine. Is. Short. Say it with me: Wolverine. Is. Short. Unless you're Leech, Artie, Franklin Richards, or Puck, as a general rule, Wolverine is shorter than everyone. Not taller than Emma Frost. Not taller than Armor. Not taller than random African soldiers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, the Jaspers from the other dimension, which Storm calls "a boy"... looks like a man in his thirties... Boy?
<-------------------------------->
"ARTIE-CHOKED."

TITLE: Fantastic Four V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 583.

CULPRIT: Jonathan Hickman (writer) or Rus Wooton (lettering).

DISSECTION: Artie is still mute, he can't speak and comment on how the Thing looks funny. I'm leaning towards this being an error on Wooton's part, since Leech seems to be better positioned and facing more towards Ben than Artie is.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BURDEN OF BADGES."

TITLE: Star Trek: Burden Of Knowledge (IDW).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Federica Manfredi (penciller).

DISSECTION: I understand how drawing the detail on each Starfleet badge might be a bother for an artist (although compared to all the stuff Manfredi draws, and how well she does it, a simple symbol can't be that hard)... but if you're going to leave badges blank on characters who're not that "close to camera", do it for all. Don't have some characters with badges, and others at the same distance without them, and so on.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars, several instances.
<-------------------------------->
"WHO'S THAT GIRL?"

TITLE: Supergirl V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 14.

CULPRIT: Joe Kelly (penciller).

DISSECTION: An old one, from 2007, because I couldn't find a better DT!


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SEÑORITA, MAS FINA."

TITLE: Supergirl V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 56.

CULPRIT: Sterling Gates (writer).

DISSECTION: And the fun doesn't stop with Supergirl! (Nah, this is actually a pretty readable book.) Gates, for some reason, has Supergirl refer to some alien entity's "messengers" that devour matter to feed the entity as "supplicants". Is it too hard to look up a word in the dictionary?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"KENTUCKY FRIED BEZOPASNOSTI."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 169.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Looking back to check something for this column or the previous one, I found out that I wrote "KFB" instead of "KGB".

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DIE DISSEKTOR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 178.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Commander Donald313 noticed that I confused the plural of the German word "Würfel" with "Würfels", although it's the same, "Würfel". I got confused with the genitive of the word, apparently.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Badge for you, Don.
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Average of 6.2 Bazzars in fifty-five dissections, regular. Here's this week's Cover Of The Week, by Cliff Chiang:


Simple, but pretty. Now, Moments Of The Week. First up, why was Earth-Man so chummy with the Legion?


He was getting some smurfette ass!!! Yeah! Next, you don't mess with Thor:


Not even if you're Galactus. And last, who's the new hero in St. Canard? GizmoDuck?


No, GosmoDuck! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #178.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Science to the rescue once more!" Spider-Man, The Amazing Spider-Man #643.

Late, late again, I know. Work has been hectic... you know, the work that actually pays my bills? Doesn't mean I'll let my readers down, though! Nobody cracked last column's DT; and I can tell you (while I watch Stargate Universe) that it was the fact that the Jaffa says he was the Prime of Sobek, but he had no tattoo on his forehead, as all Jaffa in service to a Goa'uld should (in fact, his should be gold, as Prime).

Here are the Dissector's Picks Of The Week! Best Book Of The Week is actually a tie between X-Factor #209 and Captain America: Patriot #1. In X-Factor, Peter David is an excellent team book writer, and any character he doesn't have previous experience with, he studies and gets. Newcomer Emanuela Lupacchino's art is crisp and clear, making characters different and with great facial expressions... she does have a bit of room for improvement still, mainly in background figures. For the Patriot book, Karl Kesel is a veteran character writer, and he gets the 40s dialogue and feel perfectly. For a book with a lot of narration (in the form of newspaper articles), it reads easily. Artist Mitch Breitweiser, with colorist and wife Bettie Breitweiser, draw a story that's both modern and WWII... like a (good) propaganda poster come to life.

Worst Book Of The Week was Justice Society Of America Special... wow, this was a bad book. Not horrible, but just... failed. Scott Kolins writes as well as pencils, and as much as I don't really like his art, his writing is even worse. The plot is disjointed, the dialogues are wooden... and his art, well, his figures are not that well suited to superheroes, in my opinion, particularly because of the bright colors Hi-Fi gives them. Haven't read this? Don't read it, unless you’re a big JSA fan.

The Rundown: Avengers And The Infinity Gauntlet (Doom's eyes are colored incorrectly, Wolverine's height is wrong), Battlefields ("formate"?), Birds Of Prey V3 ("muy" thai?), DC Universe Legacies (accented letters), Justice Society of America Special ("tyrrany", Magog's eyes are both normal, and one has an Horus symbol around it, which has never been there before, nor his powers have any Egyptian basis), Our Fighting Forces (Johnny Cloud's eyes shouldn't be blue, wrong uses of the German language), Shadowland: Power Man (accented letter that's a flat line and a small letter, then a correctly accented letter on all counts; plus a weird name for a Hispanic character, which gets a low rating, but it's more probable than "Ignatio" was Van Lente trying to spell "Ignacio", rather than the right name he was looking for), Spider-Man/Fantastic Four (accented letter), Web Of Spider-Man V2 (accented letters, but one correct... I mean, individual letterers can get it right in one book, wrong in another, and now wrong and right within pages? come on, pay more attention to your own work!), Young Allies (inconsistent credit lettering, accented letters, opening question marks missing from Spanish dialogues, when opening exclamation marks are used for other dialogues).
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"THIS EACH WRONG."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 177.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Donald313 noticed that I wrote "Batman and Alfred treat is other is just plain wrong", it should have been "each other". Badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"DISSECTOR CORPS."

TITLE: Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors (DC).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Peter Tomasi (writer).

DISSECTION: One for the Green Lantern fans:


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, Kilowog's badge and ring are wrong, then his badge changes shape. On the other hand, Guy, Arisia, and Kilowog are shown flying out on an extended trip to the "unknown sector" without their power batteries visible... are we supposed to believe they're going away for a long time without their batteries? Obviously, they carry them inside their rings. So stop using the lazy "ring charge--low!" plot device, please.
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"QUO FUCKING VADIS?"

TITLE: Ides Of Blood (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 02 of 06.

CULPRIT: Stuart C. Paul (writer).

DISSECTION: Okay, the anachronistic language has gone too far. I can't let something like "HAIL @#$%ING CAESAR." pass without considering it a fucking dissection.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Plus, there is also a phrase that, apart from using the word "fart", repeats parts of itself without apparent reason.
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"SPIRIT OF DISSECTION."

TITLE: The Spirit V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Paul Smith (penciller) and/or Sergio Aragones & Mark Evanier (writers).

DISSECTION: Donald313 strikes back again, and lets me know that in this issue, from April 2008, a beauty pageant contestant is announced as Ms. Japan, but she's wearing a "Ms. China" sash. You get another badge, and you earned your promotion to Commander! Congratulations! That's your twenty-sixth badge; reach forty-one and you make Captain, and get your own ship to command!

By the way, you say you weren't reading the column back then, in 2008, and you asked if it existed. The column was first published in 2005, in CBEM #549 (here's a link to a re-posting of the first one); and then in blog form since December 2006.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"DICE OFF!"

TITLE: X-Factor V1 (Marvel). Yes, I went back to V1, like with other renumber/continuation books.

ISSUE: 209.

CULPRIT: David Yardin (cover penciller).

DISSECTION: I can't believe I didn't notice this one... I'm ashamed, as a roleplayer, that I missed this one... but luckily, my new aide-de-camp, HDSC Commander Donald313, had my back. The cover shows Longshot playing craps; and one of the dice he throws has the numbers 2 and 5 on adjoined faces; when they should be on opposite ones; as each pair of opposite faces in a six-sided die should add up to seven.

Plus, I know now that "die" in German is "Würfel"... and the plural is "Würfels"... nice.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Madrox's eyes are colored green, when they should be brown.
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Thirty-four dissections, and a 6.0 Bazzar average... on the low end of the usual. Cover Of The Week is by Yuko Shimizu, for The Unwritten:


A board game? The issue actually turns out to be a choose your own adventure books! Now, Moments of The Week; first one's a gay fashion showdown in old west:


That made me chuckle... Next, another smile, but this time from Spidey:


Not just one, but two... and this one he shares with an unlikely companion:


Doom's a trekkie? Hah! Now, you know what I said about Lupacchino's art? Well, take a look at this:


Wolfsbane's never looked that good. And Lupacchino also makes the casino scenes very fun:


She's perfectly suited for a fun book like X-Factor. And here's the last scene from Captain America: Patriot:


Powerful, isn't it? That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!