The Dissector: Siege

Showing posts with label Siege. Show all posts

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Dissector Special #10: Autopsy Awards 2010 Winners.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

You'll forgive me if I'm not too elaborate; but this is long overdue. There weren't many votes, and not many people (except my most loyal readers) cared about the awards, so I kept kicking the date back... but here they are.
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Best Writing Dissection:

Fifty percent of the votes went toward this little gem's victory.

W01-"THIS SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT..." (The Dissector #147, 01/29/10)

COMMENT: With all the tools at Fraction's disposition, I was surprised he'd do something this dumb.

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 520.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: We get it, Wolverine has amazingly keen senses... but I will not accept that he can track a prey by smell from the top of a building in NEW YORK CITY, A 468.9 SQUARE MILES, 1,214.4 SQUARE KILOMETERS, 8,363,710 CITY INHABITANTS, AND 19,006,798 METRO AREA POPULATION CITY!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Not only does he track his prey (a Predator X) to a SEWER, but he knows that Fantomex (who carries no scent) is there because he smelled, and I quote, "a you-shaped hole in the smell of this dump". Fraction, Logan has a very acute sense of smell, not an echolocation device in his nostrils.
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Best Art Dissection:

This blog's readers don't condone laziness, at least, 77% of them don't.

A02-"FACE IS NOT IN MURDOCK'S BOOK.." (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

COMMENT: Simplification is one thing; plain old laziness is another.

TITLE: A-Team: War Stories: Murdock (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Guiu Vilanova (penciller).

DISSECTION: Artists, and particularly IDW artists, are known to not draw faces on background characters. While it's a practice I don't consider correct, it's understandable. Some IDW artists, however, most specifically, the ones in most of their Star Trek books, have done it to characters that, while not important to the scene, are not in the background. This time, however, Vilanova has taken it too far:

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Best Cover:

I don't think this was even a contest, I just had to put a few covers around it to give options.

T02-From The Amazing Spider-Man V1 #625. The Gauntlet could get a bit repetitive, but the Rhino storyline was definitely compelling. Cover by Marko Djurdjevic. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

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Best Fight:

Yeah, this was pretty badass.

F03-Don't mess with John Walker (the former U.S.Agent), even when he's missing limbs! From Thunderbolts #147 (The Dissector #175, 09/07/10)

Now it's time for those awards that are given just for sheer dissection quantities:
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Company With Most Dissections: Marvel wins again; but unlike last year, when the difference was only 24 dissections, in this case it's almost ten times that; 232. Marvel had 1110 dissections, and DC 878.
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Company With Most Dissections Per Titles Ratio: DC wins this year, with a ratio of 6.2 from 878 dissections in 103 different titles I dissected during 2010; against Dynamite's 7.7 ratio (116 dissections in 15 titles), and Marvel's ratio of 6.2 (1110 dissections in 178 titles). I read more Dynamite books this year, it seems, than last year.
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Book With Most Dissections: Zorro doesn't win this year, even with 57 dissections, because there's another title with 63 dissections of its own... The Dissector. However, two things disqualify this column:

1) First, it's not a comic. I only review my own dissections because fair is fair.

2) X-Men Forever V2 (50 dissections), and X-Men Forever 2 (26 dissections) are basically the same book. They share the same characters, the same storyline; Chris Claremont writes both, and Tom Grummett is the main penciller in the first book and one of the most important two in the second one; plus, they share other creators (like letterer Tom Orzechowski). Combined, these two books get 76 dissections, and win this award.
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Book Family With Most Dissections: The X-Men family, with 369 dissections. Well behind are the Batman books with 206, and the Green Lantern books with 131. It's interesting to see how GL, with only three monthly books gets that third spot. No surprise to see the X-Men family get the first spot, since it's probably the most prolific family; although Batman is close, and I don't read all Bat books all the time... but then again, I don't read the half-dozen Wolverine books either.
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Most Dissected Writer: I got most dissections this year, with 59; but for the same reasons as above, the award goes to Chris Claremont's 52 dissections. Far behind, Matt Fraction and Matt Wagner share a spot with 39 each.
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Most Dissected Artist: Mark Bagley and Freddie Williams II share first spot with 21, Ivan Reis gets second spot with 16, and 15 dissections each gets Ardian Syaf and Mike Mayhew a shared third spot.
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Most Dissected Colorist: Hi-Fi takes top spot with 44 dissections, but I suspect they're actually a team and not one person. Dissector old friend Jeromy Cox (48 dissections) is second place, and Peter Pantazis gets third with 22 dissections.
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Most Dissected Letterer: Simon Bowland is only third place with 43 dissections, workhorse Joe Caramagna (for sheer volume of work, not for dissection ratio) gets second spot with 45, and this category's winner is another workhorse, Dave Lanphear, with 69 dissections.
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Most Dissected "Other": The Marvel Handbooks are even more riddled with mistakes than before, giving their head writer/coordinator Michael Hoskin a first place with 32 dissections. Stephen Wacker is far, far behind in his second place (9 dissections), and Tom Brennan and Jeff Christiansen share a third spot with 8 dissections each.
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Single Issue With Most Dissections: Fantastic Four In... Ataque Del M.O.D.O.K.! (Marvel); a one-shot with forty-six dissections; forty-three of them being smaller accented letters or Ñs (something I no longer report in the column, but I did report it last year, so...). This issue was responsible for 62% of the dissections that gave Dave Lanphear the top spot in the Letterer category.
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And now, special awards given because... well, because I damn pleased, and because of certain merits or lack thereof.
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Cyclone Fashion Award To The Most Mutable Costume: Dick Grayson's Batman costume. Frank Quitely (I think) designed it, but almost nobody else could keep it straight; even changing the shape of his chest emblem between pages.
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Most Puzzling Mistake: Last year, Marvel started using a new font (here's an example) for credits, "next issue" blurbs and so on; in some of their books.

Most comic book fonts are all capital letters; and some feature two all-caps versions with slight differences, depending on whether you type lower case or capital text. This particular font has a difference in the "A" (though I don't know if it comes from caps/not caps); as you can see in the image linked above. Some "A"s have a small addendum on their upper left corner; something that would be pretty stupid in languages that use accented letters, but well, not in English.

However, Marvel could never decide when to use this modified "A". Was it for the larger letters in the last names? Well, no, as you can see in the first line of last names with Gage and Buchman, one with, and the other without. Was it only for the smaller letters in first names? No, as you can see in "Dan" (with) Buckley and "Rachel" (without) Pinnelas.

Sometimes they were used for the first letter of names beginning in A; sometimes they were used in all "A"s in the page; sometimes for none except one, etc... In one "also on sale this month" page "Secret Avengers" would have the special A, but Avengers Academy (in the same font, size, and usage) would not; then in another comic "Avengers Academy" in the same font, size and usage in a "also on sale" page would get the special "A" for both words. And so on. In any combination you can imagine.

From the examples I had saved to write this column, and from what I can see from a quick search, it looks it was something used exclusively for the Avengers line; except for a couple of exceptions (that I could find, Young Allies and Captain America: Forever Allies). Also, it seems to be something done by Virtual Calligraphy letterers. Then again, those are only the books I took note of because the lettering was inconsistent... sometimes, by sheer coincidence, they were consistent (using all special "A"s, or only for last names, etc).

Obviously, this is not something horrible; and it's not even something I will keep reporting, as previously mentioned. But it was, without a doubt, baffling. And it will continue to baffle me, both as a reader, and as a (new, very green) letterer.
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The You Make Doc Brown Cry Timeline Fuck-Up Award: DC Universe Legacies (DC) uses the age-old plot device of showing the history of the fictional universe through the eyes of a common citizen... but fails miserably. I've said it every time the book came out; because every time they made it worse: the book's main character starts out as a young boy in the late 30s or early 40s and is swayed away from a life of crime after being impressed by the JSA in their first appearances; but then, as the book progresses, he's shown as a young, fit policeman when Superman first appears, when Doomsday kills Superman, etc.
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Coal-Fueled Diesel Trainwreck Issue Award: An award reserved for an issue that was really, really bad; this time around it doesn't go to a comic book, but to a handbook; Heroic Age: Heroes (Marvel). Apart from the usual load of mistakes (spelling mistakes, continuity errors, etc); in this case, what gets this issue the award is the fact that it fails at the very purpose of a handbook.

For some reason, perhaps due to being written in-universe by Steve Rogers, the usual Marvel Handbook power meters are not used. Instead, a power grid consisting of the following attributes is used: power, conscience, altruism, wisdom, courage, determination, free will, and vulnerability (in a scale from 1 to 10). Apparently, Hoskin and his writers have no idea what many of these words mean; look at how some characters are measured according to those attributes:

Beast has an altruism of 9, while Angel, Reed Richards, Mockingbird, NAMORA, COLLECTIVE MAN, RADIOACTIVE MAN, Thor, Longshot, and JIMMY WOO have 10??!?!?!?!?!?
Wolverine has a 5 altruism? Toro (the new bull-mutated kid, not the WWII Kid Torch) has a 7?
Paladin (a mercenary) has an altruism of 7, same as Northstar, and more than Moon Knight? And Elixir, a healer gets 5?
A-Bomb has a power of 8, while Angel has a 7, and American Eagle an 8. In what world are those characters of comparable power?

Vulnerability seems to be a mixture of physical and mental/emotional vulnerability, and even if you mix up the words "vulnerability" "invulnerability", switching the ends of the spectrum, it's still very fucked up:

A-Bomb and American Eagle have the same rating, 8; and Angel a 6... making Angel less vulnerable than those two? Or only two points more vulnerable?
Asgardians as a race have a vulnerability of 6. The same as Angel and Luke Cage.
Captain Britain has a vulnerability of 2... if it's a physical attribute, he's not that resistant, if it's a mental/emotional attribute, his insecurities are not reflected.
Despite his looks, the Thing is one of the most mentally stable characters in the whole Marvel universe, not to mention one of the most powerful, physically speaking. Then why does he get a vulnerability rating of 6?
Darwin, one of the most unbalancedly powerful characters in the X-teams, has a vulnerability of 5, when he's basically indestructible?

This is delicate... Normally, a detail like this wouldn't score too high; but because this is a handbook, the attributes in the power grid are a basic part of the book. Furthermore, it's done by Steve Rogers, who's one of the better judges of character and tactical minds in the Marvel universe, so these fucked up ratings make him look like an idiot.

Something like this garners the handbook team the "Golden Bonesaw Award" for catastrophic underachievement.
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Best Book Of The Year: Captain America: Patriot (Marvel). Yes, a miniseries; but it got best book of the week each time it came out, and in fact, since this year the best book of the week really varied from week to week, it ended up being the only book with more than three "best book of the week" notches. To quote myself when I chose the first issue as best book of its week: "Karl Kesel is a veteran character writer, and he gets the 40s dialogue and feel perfectly. For a book with a lot of narration (in the form of newspaper articles), it reads easily. Artist Mitch Breitweiser, with colorist and wife Bettie Breitweiser, draw a story that's both modern and WWII... like a (good) propaganda poster come to life."

Maybe I enjoyed other books more over the course of the year; since they were ongoings; or had characters (like Spidey, Green Lantern or the Legion) that I enjoy more; and this book was going to get (regardless of the "best book" count) "best miniseries"... but I have to concede it gets top spot for 2010.
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Worst Book Of The Year: JSA All-Stars almost made it because of the horrible art; having been worst book of the week four times; but in the end Teen Titans had that spot six times in the year... half the times it came out (and I'm not counting specials like Teen Titans: Cold Case). No fixed creative time, writers that didn't seem to get the characters, and artists who just didn't cut it. Some samples of what I said about the book when I picked it as worst book of the week:

"(...) boring story, confusing dialogue, plain art. That simple."

"(...) the Dakota plot was weak, and Holocaust was insanely powerful (even with a power-up), taking on Superboy, Miss Martian, Kid Flash and Wonder Girl head-to-head... plus, I hate this new trend of allowing Beast Boy to shapeshift into alien or mythological animals..."

"(...) The art is not as bad as it's been before, but it still shows at certain points where Luís didn't put any effort into faces, and writer Felicia D. Henderson... should stay away from the Titans... cheesy dialogues, weird plot twists, characters behaving like jerks, and harebrained power-effects make for a bad comic."
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Creator That I'm Sorry I Have To Dissect Award: Fred Van Lente. I love his writing, and when I find errors in it, I hate to point them out.
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Worst Character Depiction Although You Obviously Have Talent Award: In Uncanny X-Men #527 Whilce Portacio and Leonard Kirk make Emma Frost seem like a crack whore, and Colossus like a mentally deficient jock. I was shocked.
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Breakout Book Of The Year: The Sixth Gun (Oni Press). Great read; without being really groundbreaking, but it stands out as a new book of the year to pay attention to. Excellent for anyone who likes westerns with a touch of supernatural, and quite possibly a good read for those who don't usually read comics.
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Bloody Stumps With Blunt Crayolas Award: With a single bound, Leandro Oliveira lands a Superman issue, with art that looks like this:

Yes, Rod Reis's unusually bad coloring helps, but look at those characters... man...
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Best Character Of The Year: Once more, the single best written, more entertaining character is Spider-Man. Both by the Spider-Brain Trust or now in solitary by Dan Slott (although he makes appearances in Avenger and FF books), the character grows and evolves at the same time it's still portrayed according to his essence, to his basic characterization.
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Worst Character Of The Year: Red Robin. Come on, I understand the need to get Tim Drake a niche of his own, but Jr. Batman isn't really the way to go!
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Best Event Of The Year: Superman: Last Stand of New Krypton. Pretty much self-contained, and action packed, despite some slight mistakes and the occasional weak art.
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Worst Event Of The Year: The Return Of Bruce Wayne (as "The Insider"). The whole miniseries by Morrison was boring, but the whole plot point as "The Insider" was even wrose.

YOU'RE WEARING A YELLOW UTILITY BELT! YOU HAVE A SUIT THAT GIVES YOU THE POWERS OF CLASSIC JUSTICE LEAGUE MEMBERS! YOUR GLOVES HAVE BATMAN SPIKES!!! AND SHE'S THE FOREMOST EXPERT IN INFORMATION IN THE SUPERHERO COMMUNITY!!! STOP TREATING THIS INSIDER SHIT AS MYSTERIOUS, IT'S OBVIOUS TO ALL HIS FUCKING ALLIES (AND ANYONE WHO CAN ADD 2+2) THAT THAT'S BATMAN!!!!!
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Best Publisher Of The Year: Personally, I liked a lot of the stuff DC put out this year, but they also had a lot of weak moves (see above, for example). Marvel, all in all, offered a great all-around spread of books with in every family of books (X-Men, Avengers, street heroes, etc).
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Worst Publisher Of The Year: Dynamite Comics, again, because they keep publishing books with gross Spanish mistake, and it's obvious they don't care, despite publishing a lot of good stuff.
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Funniest Book Of The Year: Atomic Robo (Red 5 Comics); in any of its permutations, always fun and funny.
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Best Creator Of The Year: Shared by Paul Levitz and Yildiray Cinar, for bringing back the Legion in style. I'm sad Cinar gradually did less and less of the LSH art, and that he won't be working on the team anymore. He was made for the book, and what can I say about Levitz? He still has it.
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Worst Creator Of The Year: I only read one book with art by him, and Leandro Oliveira (who did this) gets this award. Yes, a lot of other creators fucked up, but at least they do it in the process of delivering otherwise good stuff. Even Simon Spurrier... wait, I was going to excuse Simon, but he wrote an X-book where Dr. Nemesis said "Science-Gaze sees all, brainfail! There WILL be crotch-punching!", so... they share.
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Dumbest Plot Move: Bruce Wayne reveals he's behind Batman, and has been for years.

Batman, Inc. is a good concept, but I believe it's stupid for Bruce Wayne to reveal he's behind Batman, particularly when he a) still runs around inside a Batman costume, b) his three closest costumed associates are his children (two adoptive and one biological), c) those three sons are the exact heights and builds as the other Batman, Red Robin, and Robin and he paraded them in front of the press even if Damian hadn't been introduced to the public, and d) half of Gotham's population might suspect him of being Batman anyway. Add on top of that the fact that he's going around the world fronting Batman, Inc. and dealing with foreign governments and police departments, behaving in ways that completely throw overboard his playboy persona, and it's like he doesn't care if his cover is blown... Wait, maybe he just gave up on hiding it altogether! Of course, he has protection, so do his friends and associates... man, what a great moment to be a random employee of Wayne Enterprises!!!
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Most Baffling Dyslexia: Dear comic book writers, "physiognomy" does not mean the same as "physiology" or "anatomy". In case you're too lazy to click on links or crack open a fucking dictionary, here are the definitions of "physiognomy":

1. the face or countenance, esp. when considered as an index to the character: a fierce physiognomy.
2. Also called anthroposcopy. the art of determining character or personal characteristics from the form or features of the body, esp. of the face.
3. the outward appearance of anything, taken as offering some insight into its character: the physiognomy of a nation.

It is not, I repeat, NOT, a word that you can use to refer to mutant physiology/anatomy (like I dissected before on an X-Men book), nor a word you can use to refer to the digitized information of a person's body for teleportation... WORDS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!! THEY LIVE INSIDE DICTIONARIES!!! AND NOW, THEY'RE EVEN INSIDE THE INTERNET!!!!
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That's it for this year; I'll be on the outlook for more nominees, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Dissector Special #09: Autopsy Awards 2010 Nominations.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

Allow me to present the 2010 Autopsy Awards nominees! As usual, the voting will be via e-mail, send your votes to lordmagnusen at gmail.com, in the following form (each nomination has a code): "W01, A03, C02..."

Some of the awards are not subject to vote, as they are given solely on a numeric basis (most Dissected company, etc), or specially awarded for extraordinary "merit" (I also accept suggestions for special awards). Of course, the text for each dissection is the original one from when they were published, but I've added some (mostly) new comments for all.

The last four categories are actually about positive things that a comic book company or creator would be proud to win... unlike the other categories. I'm talking about the "Best Quote", "Best Moment", and "Best Cover" awards, and the new comer "Best Fight Scene" award. Now, the nominees:

Let's get started with the Best Writing Dissection nominees:
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W01-"THIS SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT..." (The Dissector #147, 01/29/10)

COMMENT: With all the tools at Fraction's disposition, I was surprised he'd do something this dumb.

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 520.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: We get it, Wolverine has amazingly keen senses... but I will not accept that he can track a prey by smell from the top of a building in NEW YORK CITY, A 468.9 SQUARE MILES, 1,214.4 SQUARE KILOMETERS, 8,363,710 CITY INHABITANTS, AND 19,006,798 METRO AREA POPULATION CITY!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Not only does he track his prey (a Predator X) to a SEWER, but he knows that Fantomex (who carries no scent) is there because he smelled, and I quote, "a you-shaped hole in the smell of this dump". Fraction, Logan has a very acute sense of smell, not an echolocation device in his nostrils.
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W02-"A MAN AHEAD OF HIS TIME" (The Dissector #148, 02/05/10)

COMMENT: Sometimes modern language breaks the suspension of disbelief in period comics... in this case, it was worse than that, it was a gross science/history error too.

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer).

DISSECTION: This is a book set in Nordic lands in what, the 10th century? The 11th? The exact date really doesn't matter; but Thorir, one of the characters, urges a girl to eat meat because "growing children need protein". Protein? Really?

Wikipedia says: Proteins were first described by the Dutch chemist Gerhardus Johannes Mulder and named by the Swedish chemist Jönsla Jakob Berzelius in 1838. The central role of proteins in living organisms was however not fully appreciated until 1926, when James B. Sumner showed that the enzyme urease was a protein.

So, how is a Norseman in the know this 600 years before proteins were even described? Wood could have had Thorir just say "growing children need meat".

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W03-"I CAN'T COUNT TOO GOOD." (The Dissector #157, 04/09/10)

COMMENT: When writing Star Trek, you have to remember that characters are highly-educated professionals from the 24th (or around, depending on the series) century, who are used to dealing with alien cultures on a daily basis. Or this happens:

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Ghosts (IDW).

ISSUE: 05 of 05.

CULPRIT: Zander Cannon (writer).

DISSECTION: Now, Zander Cannon (whose name still sounds AWESOME) wrote a nice miniseries; which could have been shorter, granted, but still was TNGish enough to be an episode of the show; and Javier Aranda's art in this issue, while ugly, is technically correct enough to make me think he probably grew hands or got cybernetic replacements. Makes me think of a Star Trek roleplayer who had a character with "positronic hands"... ignoring the fact that what was positronic about Data was HIS BRAIN, and it was a feature related to artificial intelligence, NOT HANDS!!!

... but I ramble. In this last issue, Geordi is getting some numerical data from one of the aliens-of-the-week-from-the-planet-of-the-week (Allios IV), to solve a technical conundrum posed by a specific piece of technology developed in that planet. He can't make heads or tails of the numbers he's being fed, and struggles to understand them, and after a great deal of effort... realizes the aliens, who have six fingers on each hand, use a base-12 number system. Yes, Geordi, a professional engineer, who is one of the best Starfleet and the entire Star Trek universe has to offer, only realizes that about a civilization whose technology he's been studying for what seems to be days? Even if it's just hours, THE FIRST THING YOU HAVE TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT WHEN STUDYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT, SO HEAVILY DEPENDING ON NUMBERS, IS WHAT SYSTEM THEY USE!!!

Me, I'm ashamed I never realized the aliens had six fingers on each hand, and it was never mentioned before. But it'd be in the first page of whatever Wikipedia entry Geordi consulted about this planet.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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W04-"THE FAMOUS VULCAN ELBOW PINCH." (The Dissector #170, 07/10/10)

COMMENT: Knowing Star Trek is important to writing Star Trek. Which is odd in this case, since the Tipton brothers seem to be fans.

TITLE: Star Trek: Burden Of Knowledge (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writers).

DISSECTION: Spock attempts to render one of the muppet-bird aliens unconscious, but their physiology is not similar to the usual humanoid types. According to Spock "... this race lacks a discernible shoulder necessary for the nerve pinch..." SHOULDER??!?!!? It's the Vulcan NECK pinch!!! (Or nerve pinch, I know.)

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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W05-"FUCKING FIRES, HOW DO THEY WORK?." (The Dissector #183, 11/11/10)

COMMENT: It pains me to nominate one of my favorite books and writers, but same as the third dissection in this category, you need to remember people in the future (at least the future painted in these settings) will be highly educated, particularly in matters that are even obvious to people like me, who haven't finished high school.

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (DC).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Paul Levitz (writer).

DISSECTION: Cosmic Boy goes to the Legion Academy, and while he's reviewing the students, a fire breaks out nearby and they are the closest ones to respond. They go to the scene, and one student that has variable powers (Variable Lad), in this case uses them to become super smart and learn what the best way of putting out the fire is: using the powers of another student who can control chemical reactions (Chemical Kid), because fire is an oxidation. Uhm... and they needed a super intelligent being to figure that out?

Regardless of him being a student and not a battle-hardened Legionnaire, a guy whose powers are to control chemical reactions should think of that first, particularly in the 30th century, with the kind of education they have, plus any further education someone with chemical controlling powers should get on the subject. Controlling the oxidation should be a gut response from Chemical Kid, the same as Bataranging or punching a bank robber is Batman's!

Not to mention the fact that there's two veteran Legionnaires there (Cosmic Boy and Duplicate Girl), and a handful of other students, most of whom should have a pretty advanced science education when compared to today's teenagers or young adults. Anyone today with a barely decent education should know that a fire is a chemical reaction.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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I'm not sure which I'm voting for yet. Let's go on with the nominees for Best Art Dissection:
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A01-"THE ROD OF BORIS." (The Dissector #156, 04/02/10)

COMMENT: This is one of my pet peeves; and I finally decided to attribute it to the artist.

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo)

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer) and/or Leandro Fernandez (penciller).

DISSECTION: Good God... Boris, the apparently Slavic holy man among Norsemen, is also a healer... and his surgical instrument and medicine bag has a caduceus. The caduceus is NOT the symbol of medicine, despite its mistaken use, mainly in the USA, as that. It's a symbol originally for Iris, messenger of Hera, and afterwards of Hermes/Mercury; and through them, a symbol of messengers, gamblers, merchants, shepherds, liars and thieves.

The symbol of medicine is the rod of Asclepius; or the asklepian. Asclepius was the Greek god of healing and medicine, and his symbol is a staff with a snake entwined around it. The caduceus is also a staff, but quite differently shaped than the asklepian. The latter is a rustic wooden staff, while the former is usually a smooth and elegant-looking herald's staff. Furthermore, there are two snakes entwined around the caduceus, and the staff is winged, while the rod of Asclepius is not. Read more about the asklepian, and about the caduceus and the mix ups between the two.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A02-"FACE IS NOT IN MURDOCK'S BOOK.." (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

COMMENT: Simplification is one thing; plain old laziness is another.

TITLE: A-Team: War Stories: Murdock (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Guiu Vilanova (penciller).

DISSECTION: Artists, and particularly IDW artists, are known to not draw faces on background characters. While it's a practice I don't consider correct, it's understandable. Some IDW artists, however, most specifically, the ones in most of their Star Trek books, have done it to characters that, while not important to the scene, are not in the background. This time, however, Vilanova has taken it too far:

Come on! This is outrageous! Those are the ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL!!! ONE OF THEM IS THE STAR OF THE BOOK, AND THE OTHER ONE IS TALKING!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY MOTHERFUCKER!??!!?!?!?!?!?!? Not happy with that, he does it twice more, once again to Murdock, star of the book, WHILE HE'S TALKING AND IS ONE OF THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL, AND THEN AGAIN... but in that panel Murdock is not talking, at least.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A03-"RIDDLE ME THIS, RIDDLE ME THAT... WHO'S WEARING THE MANTLE OF THE BAT?" (The Dissector #166, 06/12/10)

COMMENT: Geez, pay some attention to what you're working on.

TITLE: Joker's Asylum II: The Riddler (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Andres Guinaldo (penciller).

DISSECTION: If you're going to tell a flashback story, to when the Riddler wasn't a detective, don't dress Batman with Dick Grayson's current costume... since it's Bruce.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A04-"WHO ARE THOSE GUYS? WHAT IS THIS, MOSAIC?" (The Dissector #183, 11/11/10)

COMMENT: It hurts when you see that some people (I'm talking about Kirkham here) don't care about what they're working on, when you'd love to be working on comics yourself.

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 53.

CULPRIT: Tyler Kirkham (penciller) and Nei Rufino (colorist)

DISSECTION: What? Bystanders on Korugar are colored like humans, some lighter, others darker, and it's not a trick of the light or anything, because in the same light as Kyle Rayner, many share his skin color. But that's not the worst thing... they're dressed, unequivocally, in Earth clothes: jackets, baseball caps, hoodies. People from Korugar have pink or red skin, and they certainly shouldn't be wearing normal Earth garments.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars, double. Also, Sinestro's ring is colored like his skin in a panel (that's where all the pink ink went!).
<-------------------------------->
Some of those aren't that bad; to be honest. Now the nominees for Best Coloring Dissection:
<-------------------------------->
C01-"COX SUCKER." (The Dissector #152, 03/05/10)

COMMENT: Jeromy Cox, one of this column's mainstays...

TITLE: X-Factor V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 202.

CULPRIT: Jeromy Cox (colorist).

DISSECTION: Attention, rant coming...

Jeromy Cox: Monet St. Croix has brown eyes, not blue or green; Namor's should be grey, not whatever weird color you gave him; Layla Miller's eyes are green, not blue; Reed Richards has brown eyes, not blue ones; and Ben Grimm, usually called "Ever Lovin' Blue Eyed Thing"... yes, you guessed it, has BLUE EYES, NOT BROWN ONES!!!! ALSO, YOU MIGHT WANT TO AVOID COLORING LAYLA LIKE SHE'S MONET, SKIN, HAIR AND COSTUME!!!

Your job is to color these books, and I know it can be a hard, detailed job. But can you at least work with character references in front of you, FOR RAINBOW RAIDER'S SAKE?!?!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: I'm fucking giving 9 Bazzars to each of these, just because of Jeromy's complete inability to color ONE CHARACTER RIGHT.
<-------------------------------->
C02-"AVENGING CHANGING COLORS." (The Dissector #156, 04/02/10)

COMMENT: Is McCaig living with Jeromy?

TITLE: New Avengers (Marvel).

ISSUE: 63.

CULPRIT: Dave McCaig (colorist).

DISSECTION: I'm reading the book, right? And I notice that Jessica Jones' eyes are the wrong color. They're green, when they should be blue. The next page, they're blue. And the next, back to green... and then brown. WTF?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, for the sheer sloppiness. Clint Barton's eyes are green first, then his correct blue color, then green again; Lady Octopus' eyes are green instead of brown, and Danielle Cage is drawn as a 4-6 months baby instead of a year old infant or so. Then I go to see who the colorist was... and the credit read "colorisst"...
<-------------------------------->
C03-"THE GRAY HOOD." (The Dissector #181, 10/14/10)

COMMENT: This was just baffling.

TITLE: Red Hood: The Lost Days (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Jason Todd is trying to find a girl in a car that's, unwittingly, carrying a bomb. Over the phone, he asks her what kind of car she's in, and she says the car is red. But the colorist made the car gray or black...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
C04-"WHO ARE THOSE GUYS? WHAT IS THIS, MOSAIC?" (The Dissector #183, 11/11/10)

COMMENT: While Nei's great, this deserved to be nominated for the coloring mistakes too.

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 53.

CULPRIT: Tyler Kirkham (penciller) and Nei Rufino (colorist)

DISSECTION: What? Bystanders on Korugar are colored like humans, some lighter, others darker, and it's not a trick of the light or anything, because in the same light as Kyle Rayner, many share his skin color. But that's not the worst thing... they're dressed, unequivocally, in Earth clothes: jackets, baseball caps, hoodies. People from Korugar have pink or red skin, and they certainly shouldn't be wearing normal Earth garments.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars, double. Also, Sinestro's ring is colored like his skin in a panel (that's where all the pink ink went!).
<-------------------------------->
C05-"WHITE STAR." (The Dissector #189, 12/12/10)

COMMENT: It's disheartening. I don't ask colorists, some of which I've met personally and know they don't care about comics at all (while others are fans too, mind you), to know by heart the detailed histories of each character they color... but is it so hard to check what ethnicity a character is supposed to be?

TITLE: Adventure Comics V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 521.

CULPRIT: Hi-Fi (colorist).

DISSECTION: Dawnstar is descended from Native Americans... she is not fair-skinned like Caucasians, and she does not have blue eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Twice. Get a fucking grip on the characters you are working on.
<-------------------------------->
I'm between two of those... Let's go with the nominees for Best Lettering Dissection:
<-------------------------------->
L01-"TRANSBAT." (The Dissector #148, 02/05/09)

COMMENT: Editors ended up taking the blame for this, but it's still a lettering error.

TITLE: Batman And Robin (DC).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Janelle Siegel (assistant editor) & Mike Marts (editor).

DISSECTION: Batwoman and Batman's speech balloons are switched on one page. Letterer Pat Brosseau says in his Facebook page that he was sure it was okay when he handed it in, so I'm going to take his word for it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
L02-"PUSHER FOR HIRE.!" (The Dissector #163, 05/23/10)

COMMENT: Talk about turning around a story...

TITLE: New Avengers: Luke Cage (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 03.

CULPRIT: Joe Sabino (letterer).

DISSECTION: Wow, Joe really did screw up on this one:

Cage talks like he's got people selling drugs? The villain who just attacked him says "it takes more than cats to hurt me"?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars each.
<-------------------------------->
L03-"HÉRR." (The Dissector #185, 11/19/10)

COMMENT: Two of my pet peeves (well, the same one twice, basically), mixed together.

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 647.

CULPRIT: Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Joe's one of my favorite letterers, and that makes this dissection worse... he letter's what's supposed to be the word "Señor" as "Senõr". Not only that, he makes the "o" smaller because of the tilde. *sigh*

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzar's for fucking up the word, 7 for the smaller letter.
<-------------------------------->
L04-"BLURRED DIALOGUES." (The Dissector #187, 11/23/10)

COMMENT: Nothing scandalous, but pretty obvious, and something that shouldn't (but did, and I can't be surprised) have escaped proofreading.

TITLE: The Flash V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Sal Cipriano (letterer).

DISSECTION: This one bears showing:

Seems like Sal pastes the text from the script to work on the balloons and actual lettering... but in this case, he forgot to delete or hide that layer when turning in the completed pages. Once upon a time, I would have been amazed at something like this slipping by an editor, but I've been doing this column for five years now...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. The first letter of a word is missing in another dialogue; and I'm going to blame that on Sal too this time, and Iris' eyes are colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
Some interesting options. Let's check out the nominees for Best Other Dissection:
<-------------------------------->
O01-"WAR IS MESSY." (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

COMMENT: A real mess.

TITLE: Battlefields (Dynamite).

ISSUE: Honestly, I give up.

CULPRIT: Joseph Rybandt (editor).

DISSECTION: You know I enjoy these books... except for "Dear Billy", all the Battlefield minis have been excellent... well, "Dear Billy" is not bad, but just not to my taste. My favorite was "The Tankies", a three issue miniseries last year. Now the Tankies are back! Is it Battlefields: The Tankies II? Or is it Battlefields: The Firefly And His Majesty, or Battlefields: The Firefly, as it was announced?

No, it's Battlefields #4. What? There was never a book called "Battlefields", it was just Battlefields: The Night Witches, Battlefields: Dear Billy, and Battlefields: The Tankies, Yes, originally it was going to be Battlefields 1 to 9, with each of those three stories taking up three issues; but then, Battlefield: Happy Valley was released... and now a second Tankies story gets #4?

If it's a continuation of the original series of three minis, it'd be #10... if it's a continuation of the whole thing, including Happy Valley, it'd be #13. And if it's a continuation to the Tankies, it'd be #4... So, any way they want to say Dynamite is trying to publish this, it still doesn't make sense. There's also a blurb at the end of issue #5 that says announces the next issue as the conclusion of "the second Battlefields arc". So they're trying to consider this part of Battlefields: The Tankies... why don't you name it Battlefields: The Tankies and that way you can number it from #4?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
O02-"JUST SHOOT ME." (The Dissector #171, 07-26-10)

COMMENT: My bad, my bad. I really goofed up here.

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 170.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (editor).

DISSECTION: I was working on the column, and I noticed I didn't have a DT!, so I went and plucked one out of The Rundown... and left it there too. No one seems to have noticed, though, until Sidney did, some time later. Another badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
O03-"NUMBER π IN A SERIES." (The Dissector #177, 09/21/10)

COMMENT: Puzzling.

TITLE: B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth - New World (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 01 and 02 of 05.

CULPRIT: Scott Allie (editor) and/or Samantha Robertson (assistant editor).

DISSECTION: Editor Scott Allie tells us readers in the letter column of the first issue that "the B.P.R.D. series that started in 2002 with Hollow Earth has ended with King Of Fear, and now we're into a new series- B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth, of which New World is the first arc. (...) But the name of the book is now B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth, with subtitles."

Now, this is all fine and dandy, because as you might have noticed if you read B.P.R.D., all of the miniseries feature in the credits a note that says "number ## in a series"; to show that it's all the same series, even if it's not published as a regular ongoing title. And now, it's a new series, "B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth"... but why are issues #1 and #2 marked as "number 69" and "number 70" ("in a series").

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
O04-"FIRST ISSUE EVER... AGAIN!" (The Dissector #187, 11/23/10)

COMMENT: There's hype, and then there's lying and being ridiculous.

TITLE: Spider-Girl V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Stephen Wacker (senior editor), Nate Cosby (editor), Tom Brennan (associate editor), and Mike Horwitz (assistant editor).

DISSECTION: Cover for this first issue says it's the "most synapse-shattering super hero debut of the decade". Really? Can someone explain to me how that's possible? Araña has been around since 2004; and she changed costume and name months ago, jumping around other books with it since then... This is not a debut in any way... at least not a "super hero debut". It might be a "solo series debut" (which would be partially correct), but not what they say...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
O05-"CHAOS ATE MY CREDITS." (The Dissector #189, 12/12/10)

COMMENT: Yeah, who cares who wrote and drew this?

TITLE: Chaos War: Alpha Flight (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Unknown editor.

DISSECTION: Yeah.... THERE ARE NO DETAILED CREDITS IN THE WHOLE ISSUE!!! Just last names of writer, penciller, inker, and colorist on the cover...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
I am not voting for myself, that much I can tell you. Now the nominees for the first of the "positive" categories, Best Quote:
<-------------------------------->
Q01-"This is a Christian land, and we a Christian people, but that's not stopped the old gods from reminding us they exist." Hilda, about winter, Northlanders #24. (The Dissector #148, 02/05/10)
<-------------------------------->
Q02-"I leave a lot behind, but never the whisky." John Constantine, Hellblazer #264. (The Dissector #151, 03/03/10)
<-------------------------------->
Q03-"This station will be ground up with your bones into the finest powder which we will snort in our victory orgy." Drenx commander, S.W.O.R.D. #5. (The Dissector #154, 03/19/10)
<-------------------------------->
Q04-"(...) there are promises one makes to oneself, having lived through a holocaust. I'm afraid these promises preclude me from watching the extermination of my people in a reclining position. See to your patients, Dr. McCoy. I will see to our enemies." Max Eisenhardt, aka Magneto, New Mutants V3 #14. (The Dissector #168, 06/25/10)
<-------------------------------->
Q05-"Why does every BBQ I have end with a dead hippie being molested?" Franky, Billy The Kid's Old Timey Oddities And The Ghastly Fiend Of London #2 (The Goon backup story). (The Dissector #184, 11/17/10)
<-------------------------------->
Can't tell you which one I'm voting for, but I've made my choice. Now for the next positive category, the nominees for Best Moment:
<-------------------------------->
M01-From Doomwar #1: You. Do. Not. Fuck. With. The. Wakandan. Royal. Family. (The Dissector #151, 03/03/10)

<-------------------------------->
M02-From Superman #697: The Legion's New Espionage Squad, in the 21st century. (The Dissector #152, 03/05/10)

<-------------------------------->
M03-From Siege #4: It's over, Norman. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

<-------------------------------->
M04-S.H.I.E.L.D. #1: Galileo Vs. Galactus! (The Dissector #158, 04/16/10)

<-------------------------------->
M05-From X-Force V3 #26: The death of one of my favorite characters, and something I did not see coming. (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

<-------------------------------->
M06-From Ex Machina #50: The return of the Great Machine! (The Dissector #164, 05/28/10)

<-------------------------------->
M07-From Strange Tales II #1: Kate Beaton is too funny. (The Dissector #182, 10/31/10)

<-------------------------------->
The nominees for Best Cover:
<-------------------------------->
T01-Gravel #16. I like working class magicians, and this cover says "London". By Mike Wolfer. (The Dissector #147, 01/29/10)

<-------------------------------->
T02-From The Amazing Spider-Man V1 #625. The Gauntlet could get a bit repetitive, but the Rhino storyline was definitely compelling. Cover by Marko Djurdjevic. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

<-------------------------------->
T03-The Flash V3 #3, nice cover by Greg Horn (and it ain't traced porn!). (The Dissector #170, 07/10/10)

<-------------------------------->
T04-This is from The Murder Of King Tut #1, by Darwyn Cooke. (The Dissector #171, 07/26/10)

<-------------------------------->
Lastly, the nominees for the newest positive category, Best Fight Scene (yes, I know, very MTV of me):
<-------------------------------->
F01-From Mighty Avengers (blanking on the issue), Quicksilver takes down Gary Stu, err, Mr. X (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

<-------------------------------->
F02-In Hercules: Twilight of A God #2, Herc takes down a future Silver Surfer... with extreme prejudice. (The Dissector #171, 07/26/10)

<-------------------------------->
F03-Don't mess with John Walker (the former U.S.Agent), even when he's missing limbs! From Thunderbolts #147 (The Dissector #175, 09/07/10)

<-------------------------------->
F04-From Rawhide Kid #4, it's not a physical battle, but a gay fashion showdown in the old west: (The Dissector #178, 09/29/10)

<-------------------------------->
F05-From Warriors Three #2, Volstagg The Voluminous (my favorite Thor character) fights trolls (The Dissector #189, 12/13/10)

<-------------------------------->
OK, get voting, you have until the end of the month (perhaps a few more days), to do so. Catch you soon with the next regular column. Remember, nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

Saturday, May 08, 2010

The Dissector #161.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Greetings to all of you gathered here today. As you know, deep within my core is all that remains of our honored Lantern dead. After much deliberation with Lantern Morro, the keeper of the crypt... we can think of no greater way to pay tribute to their strength, dignity, principles of justice... and of course ultimate sacrifice.. than with a memorial of life." Mogo, Green Lantern Corps V2 #47.

Running late!!! I might just make it in time, though. Welcome to the column for books released on 04/28, plus a couple of stragglers, and some stuff from FCBD 2010. Last DT! was hard to crack, apparently, but after several tries by longtime readers, newcomer Waka solved it. The guy crouching with the girl has his hand behind her foot, but her foot seems to be transparent and we can see his hand through it. Welcome to the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps, Ensign Waka!

Here are The Dissector's Picks Of The Week: Best Book Of The Week was Green Lantern Corps V2 #47. Peter Tomasi knows this book and its characters well, and Patrick Gleason always provides a solid, visually fulfilling art. Using four different inkers, however, is not the best choice. Worst Book Of The Week is Teen Titans V3 #82... the Dakota plot was weak, and Holocaust was insanely powerful (even with a power-up), taking on Superboy, Miss Martian, Kid Flash and Wonder Girl head-to-head... plus, I hate this new trend of allowing Beast Boy to shapeshift into alien or mythological animals...

The Rundown: Captain America V1 (accented letter, a character called by the wrong name), Detective Comics (in a flashback, Tim Drake is wearing a Robin costume he never wore), Green Lantern Corps V2 (one cover has Kilowog's badge wrong, the other has his ring wrong), The Invincible Iron Man V2 (Reed Richard's eyes should be brown), Justice League: The Rise Of Arsenal (Batman's emblems are wrong), Justice Society Of America V3 (multiple accented letters), The Last Days Of American Crime ("buisness"), The Mighty Avengers (USAgent, accented letter), The New Avengers (The Hood's eyes change from brown to blue to brown again), Superman V1 (Sensor Girl's eyes are colored incorrectly), Teen Titans V3 (accented letters in penciller José Luís' name, plus Wonder Girl has an emblem belt buckle and then a regular one), Thor V1 (Volstagg's eyes should be blue), X-Men Forever V2 (Annual: "whom loves you").
<-------------------------------->
"FACE IS NOT IN MURDOCK'S BOOK."

TITLE: A-Team: War Stories: Murdock (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Guiu Vilanova (artist).

DISSECTION: Artists, and particularly IDW artists, are known to not draw faces on background characters. While it's a practice I don't consider correct, it's understandable. Some IDW artists, however, most specifically, the ones in most of their Star Trek books, have done it to characters that, while not important to the scene, are not in the background. This time, however, Vilanova has taken it too far:

Spot anything wrong?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HOMEMS X PRA SEMPRE."

TITLE: X-Men Forever V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 22.

CULPRIT: Daniel HDR (penciller) and Wil Quintana (colorist).

DISSECTION: I had the small suspicion that Daniel HDR was Brazilian... and guess what, he is! So his name is probably something like Daniel Helioberto Da Rosa (and that's just the short version). Did he have the decency of calling himself Daniel Da Rosa, or Daniel, or Danielinho, as all Brazilians who do things internationally have? No, he doesn't.

Not only that, but he draws beast with blank white eyes in page 5, then in page 7, Beast has his normal, human blue eyes. Well, he corrected himself, good for you, Dani! But no, the next page, his eyes are featureless and yellow, and in page 9, they're back to normal. Then on page 13, they're white once more, and on page 22, they're yellow again. Good job!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, three times, for the fuck up. Not only that, but Ororo's eyes are blank all the time, and she's not using her powers.
<-------------------------------->
"PEEK-A-BOO!"

TITLE: X-Men Forever V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 22.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer).

DISSECTION: Jean Grey cloaks herself and Beast from a space station's sensors, and based on what characters say, it's not telepathically. I'm sorry, but her powers are nothing like that.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
So, we've got an average of 6.8 Bazzars in forty-three... I thought it was going to be higher, but there were a few lower graded dissections to balance out the tens. Now, Cover of the week... not Iron Man!!! It's Cap's turn:

Nice piece by Gerald Parel... and since I can't tell if that's Bucky or Commiebuster Cap, I can't say if the blue eyes are wrong or not. I just noticed that, but I can't actually dissect it... Now, Moments Of The Week... it was an eventful week, and we ended up with ELEVEN moments! First, Achilles tells a monster were to go:

Eloquent. Then, Atomic Robo's intelligent humor:

Then, a touching memorial for the fallen of the Green Lantern Corps:

May their light burn brightly forever! Speaking of Lanterns, don't piss Arisia off:

And don't piss Salakk off:

While you’re at it, on the Marvel side, don't piss Morbius off:

He's a punmaster. Speaking of pissed of guys:

God. Of. Fear. Yeah Obama, shake in your Air Force One. But there's no state like the Sith Empire:

That's... wow... the Mon Cals... damn... Now, let Quicksilver take care of a Gary Stu:

Mr. X is not as bad as the Sentry, but really, he tires me. Then, Ultimate Punisher has a nice vacation spot for you:

What, too harsh? Speaking of harsh:

Crap, that's my favorite X-Man! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!