Can A-knee-body Help Me?

When you've been just injured by a supervillain, it's good to have a knee that will call 911 for you.

(From Ultimate Comics Spider-Man #20, letterer Cory Petit.... or possibly the uncredited Marvel production team.)

Jurisdiction Issues

If those cops belong to the Philadelphia Police Department, why are they raiding a house in Brooklyn?

Oh yeah, because the previous 20 pages had transcurred in Philly... okay?

(From Venom #30, pencillers Thony Silas & Roger Robinson.)

January Wanes.

One dissection, three moments. First, the dissection, since it gives the blog (yeah, it's a blog now; blogs are cool).

Someone please tell writers Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning that calling a flashmob has nothing to do with crowdsourcing.

(From New Mutants #36, January 2011.)

Next, Spidey reaches a turning point in his life:

(From Daredevil #8, January 2011.)

And on the Enterprise...

Look a them. She's thinking "Damn, I'm a redshirt and a woman... But..." and he's going "Shit, I'm a black guy and a redshirt!" Surprisingly enough, he beams back up to the ship without being killed by a mindless horde, while she's still planetside.

(From Star Trek #5, January 2011.)

And for the finale, Magneto puts Psylocke in her place:

(From Uncanny X-Men #5, January 2011.)

Axe Cobweb

"You reek of desperation. And 'Axe'. Which is reduntant." Black Cat.

(From Amazing Spider-Man #677, January 2012.)

PS: What a coincidence! http://www.the-gutters.com/comic/240-george-kambadais

Avengers Resemble!

Just read Avengers Annual #1 (from the current series), and I found some dissections. These days, I only focus on large errors, and in this case, some might consider the following two-dissection combo something minor.

However, I can't conceive of a high-profile letterer such as Cory Petit, who does a gazillion books a month for Marvel finishing this page and saying "Yeah, this is perfect." and then an assistant editor and an editor, and proofreaders (yes, Marvel claims they have proofreaders) go over it and say "Everything's perfect!". Just take a look at these two panels yourself (I've cut and pasted so as to not post the entire page, but they were in the same page):

No, that second "electro-speak" balloon tail is out of context... it was just there, floating on its own, under Iron Man in a white page gutter...

Now, an error by either writer Brian Michael Bendis, or artist Gabriele Dell'Otto, but you wouldn't want Spider-Man fighting Anti-Venom, since even being close to him robs Spidey of his powers!

And for the finale, a Moment... The Avengers (all three main teams, Classic, New, and Secret) do the smart thing and teleport their enemies away from a crowd in the middle of New York City to an empty stadium... almost empty:

Sucks to be that poor janitor...

(From Avengers Annual #1, January 2012.)

Hercules: Naked And Happy.

Spider-Island has ended, and Hercules is happy!

"Zounds! What a glorious day! I am restored to my righteous form! With good comrades by my side, a monster torn asunder! And naked people far as the eye can see! Reminds me of a time in Mycenae!" Hercules, The Amazing Spider-Man #637 (November 2011).

Spider-Island Climax!

So, I just read The Amazing Spider-Man #679... here are a couple of moments and a dissection:


Yeah, "shared a toothbrush"...


What's a "Capatain"?
(Writer: Dan Slott.)


And that was a great climax!!! Tender MJ moment, too.

(From The Amazing Spider-Man #672, October 2011.)

Spider-Stache, Spider-Stache!

Spider-Man: master in the art of trolling JJJ.


(From The Amazing Spider-Man V1 #670, September 2011.)

Ultimate Marvel Moments From July And August

Last stuff I had saved up from when I was still planning on continuing with the column format. These are all Ultimate Marvel moments, three from different issues of Ultimate Fallout, and one from the first issue of the new Ultimates series. First, from Ultimate Fallout #2:

Aunt May slaps Captain America! Whoa! Next, from issue #4 of the same book, our first glimpse of Miles Morales, the new Spidey!


I've already read the first issue of his own comic, and it's good. Now, from the last issue of Fallout, #5, Uruguay!


Uh-oh! Something bad's cooking... and we see how it unfolds in The Ultimates V3 #1:


That's a nuclear bomb going off the coast of Montevideo. Crap.

Laters,
The Dissector

The Dissector #200.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

06/01"I came to Gotham as an adult to break the Batman. So I beat him. I did what no other could. Not Luthor, not those loathsome psychopaths in Arkham. And when he was beaten... I snapped his spine over my knee in a joyful sound that I have dreamt of every night since." Bane, Secret Six V3 #34.

06/08"Electro, I always meant to tell you... You were my greatest adversary and it was an honor to battle you. Oh wait. That wasn't you. I barely ever gave you a second's thought." Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man #159.

06/15"Aquaman sinks half of Europe... and he's considered the most dangerous being on the planet. I slaughter half of Africa... and most people don't even know my name. Location, location, location." President Grodd, Flashpoint: Grodd Of War.

06/22"Kraven is about to learn the most important rule of fighting me... if you allow me to strike back, you have already lost." Black Panther, Black Panther: The Man Without Fear #520.

06/29"My plan... is to give the X-Men what they want... more mutants." Scarlet Witch, Avengers: The Children's Crusade #6.

It is with a heavy heart, that I welcome you to the column for the month of June. Heavy heart because this will be the last installment of The Dissector, at least for some time. I'm not killing the column forever, merely placing it in carbonite for a long, undetermined hiatus. You've noticed I haven't posted a column in months, even though I kept on compiling notes for this month, July, and August. When I started reading September's books, I decided it was time to let the column go for now.

Why? Well, as I've said before, I'm very busy with my day job, and now, thankfully, paid writing jobs (did you check out the flash game "Kingdom Rush"? I wrote the texts for that, and I'm working on the sequel already!), and some small, yet promising comic book lettering jobs. On top of that, I'm writing and editing comics in Spanish for the small imprint I'm part of, GAS Comics... and at some point, you'll see them in English as well (like this story I published on Hadron Colliderscope).

I just don't have the time to keep up and write this column as it deserves, but... you know what? I just decided that I'll transform this into a proper blog. I don't want to kill The Dissector, it'll just stop being a column for now, and have occasional blog posts, with a dissection that's just an image and a few lines; or even a cool moment (a la Moments Of The Week). I just can't kill the Dissector... he's stronger than me!!! So that's what it's going to be like: no schedule, no long-winded posts (unless I feel like it), no firm structure, no ratings, etc.

For now, however, enjoy the last column... but stay tuned. Last column's DT! was cracked by Johnny Doe: Alan Scott's power comes from his ring so only his right hand should be glowing. Yeah, the Starheart's power is within him and all that jazz, but still. Now, The Dissector's Picks For Each Week:

Best Book Of The Week of 06/01 was Thunderbolts #168; I'm not a fan of any of the character starring there, yet Jeff Parker makes them engaging. Kev Walker's art (with Frank Martin's colors) give the book a gritty feeling that's fitting for a book starring mostly convicts or ex-convicts. Worst Book that week was the first issue of the new volume of S.H.I.E.L.D.; as much as I love retro super-science (almost technomagic), and Dustin Weaver's art is pretty cool, Hickman's tendency to overcomplicate things just to seem deep makes it a boring read. Maybe that's not Hickman's intention, but it ends up feeling that way to me. Cover Of The Week is this wonderful piece by Sabrina Alberghetti for Chip 'N' Dale #7. I can relate to Monty's love for cheese.

Best Book for 06/08 was the first issue of Mystery Men; Marvel's miniseries introducing pulp-era heroes. As a writer who knows the style, David Liss is perfect for this book, and creates characters that fit the era's stereotypes superbly. Patrick Zircher's art captures the right feel for the 30s; with great color by Andy Troy. Worst Book was Red Robin #24. I have no idea why I was reading this book, it's not bad, but it's definitely not my kind of book... and the art by Marcus To is technically good, but bland. Cover for this week was Joe Jusko's beautiful painting for Warlord Of Mars #7. Jusko captures exactly what this book is about.

Week Of 06/15 has as Best Book Hellblazer #280, Peter Milligan's run keeps delivering, and while guest artist Gael Bertrand's style is not what I'd prefer, it doesn't disappoint. Trish Mulvihill's colors are probably the main reason why I still felt at home with Bertrand's art. Worst Book this week was Teen Titans #96, wake me up when the whole trip to Hindu hell is over. Cover this week was this simple, yet nice circus poster by Cliff Chiang, for issue one of Flashpoint: Deadman And The Flying Graysons.



Best Book for the week of 06/22 is Black Panther: The Man Without Fear #520. This book never ceases to entertain, David Liss' script for is great, and while Jefte Palo is not Francesco Francavilla, his art sure is up to the task. Worst Book was Superman #712. JMS's utterly boring "Superman walks through America" arc is interrupted by a bland fill-in issue starring Krypto, written by Kurt Busiek. It could have been palatable, if it wasn't for the awful art by Rick Leonardi, who can't draw a human being without a face that looks like it belongs to a Dick Tracy villain. Cover for this week is that beautiful piece by Alex Ross for Rocketeer Adventures #2... would make a great poster.

Last week of the month, 06/29, has as Best Book the second to last issue of The Strange Case of Mr. Hyde, issue #3. I can't stress enough how good this book is, and how it'd be a great TPB gift for people that don't usually read comics. Cole Haddon's script is neither pretentious nor silly; finding a perfect middle road to tell this tale; while MS Corley's art excels at evoking Victorian times, while being agreeable to modern artistic sensibilities. Buy the collected edition for someone when it comes out; or go buy the four issues online or from your friendly local comic book store. Worst Book of the week was Flashpoint: Project Superman #1. It wasn't inherently bad, just bland and uninteresting. Cover of the week is Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors #11, by Dan Panosian... not a particularly beautiful cover, but definitely one that grabs your attention.

Let's get on with this last column...
<-------------------------------->
"RED THIS COLUMN. OR GREEN IT."

TITLE: The Dissector (Clockwork Chap).

ISSUE: 199.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Sidney noticed that I wrote that I had "red" Action Comics #901. Badge for Sidney... oh, BTW, you can still earn badges come the Dissector's new format, don't fret!

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING."

TITLE: Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors (DC).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Rob Leigh (letterer).

DISSECTION: In addition to a character being called a "dignitary" during the whole issue, at one point the dialogues are overflowing the balloons. That's a very glaring lettering mistake.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?"

TITLE: John Byrne's Next Men (IDW).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: John Byrne (writer).

DISSECTION: Byrne calls one of his characters "Antonio", when her name is "Antonia", being a woman. He also writes "sectretarty" instead of "secretary", and while I don't do typos anymore, these two were pretty glaring.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars each. The book also ends without a "to be continued" notice or anything along those lines, making you wonder if your copy is missing a page.
<-------------------------------->
"FOREIGN NAMES!"

TITLE: Namor: The First Mutant (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Artist Carlos Rodríguez is credited as "Rodrîguez"; a last name that doesn't exist. Paying a little attention to names that are foreign to you is just a matter of respect...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"LOOK MA! BOTH HANDS!"

TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 712.

CULPRIT: Rick Leonardi (penciller).

DISSECTION: For the umpteenth time, a flashback to Superboy's death in Infinite Crisis is shown, and he has both hands.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SNIFFING PIXIE DUST."

TITLE: X-Men: Prelude To Schism (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: Will Conrad (penciller) & Lee Loughridge (colorist).

DISSECTION: Regardless of the fact that Namor is wearing his Speedo costume in one page, and then later his current costume; Pixie appears at the end, but she looks nothing like she should. Different wings, different hair, different costume, etc. She looks more like Wasp from The Ultimates.

I still don't understand what this mini was about, really, since it doesn't seem to have anything to do with Schism...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars all around...
<-------------------------------->
Average was 6.4 Bazzars in nine dissections, pretty normal. Now, the Moments Of The Month! From 06/01, Peter Parker geeks out about something more important than anything that's happened in his superhero career:


That's what I like about Dan Slott, he gives Pete his scientific dues (Fred Van Lente does, too). The following week, but from the Ultimate universe, Aunt May shows she's hardcore:


Sadly, she couldn't save Pete. Over at Superman, this is what I meant earlier about Rick Leonardi's art:


Does he think they're all Bizarros? From 06/15, Iron Man's Fear Itself tie-in arc... watch the bottle. Now you see it...


Now you don't, Tony has it! From 06/22, who's able to deflect any insult?


Bladezz! And with just two words... Rocketeer Adventures not only gave us one of the covers of the week, but this moment:


Simply awesome. And to finish this column, a moment from 06/29's "Mr. Hyde":


Accuracy, people, please. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector Special #10: Autopsy Awards 2010 Winners.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]



You'll forgive me if I'm not too elaborate; but this is long overdue. There weren't many votes, and not many people (except my most loyal readers) cared about the awards, so I kept kicking the date back... but here they are.
<-------------------------------->
Best Writing Dissection:

Fifty percent of the votes went toward this little gem's victory.

W01-"THIS SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT..." (The Dissector #147, 01/29/10)

COMMENT: With all the tools at Fraction's disposition, I was surprised he'd do something this dumb.

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 520.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: We get it, Wolverine has amazingly keen senses... but I will not accept that he can track a prey by smell from the top of a building in NEW YORK CITY, A 468.9 SQUARE MILES, 1,214.4 SQUARE KILOMETERS, 8,363,710 CITY INHABITANTS, AND 19,006,798 METRO AREA POPULATION CITY!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Not only does he track his prey (a Predator X) to a SEWER, but he knows that Fantomex (who carries no scent) is there because he smelled, and I quote, "a you-shaped hole in the smell of this dump". Fraction, Logan has a very acute sense of smell, not an echolocation device in his nostrils.
<-------------------------------->
Best Art Dissection:

This blog's readers don't condone laziness, at least, 77% of them don't.

A02-"FACE IS NOT IN MURDOCK'S BOOK.." (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

COMMENT: Simplification is one thing; plain old laziness is another.

TITLE: A-Team: War Stories: Murdock (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Guiu Vilanova (penciller).

DISSECTION: Artists, and particularly IDW artists, are known to not draw faces on background characters. While it's a practice I don't consider correct, it's understandable. Some IDW artists, however, most specifically, the ones in most of their Star Trek books, have done it to characters that, while not important to the scene, are not in the background. This time, however, Vilanova has taken it too far:


Come on! This is outrageous! Those are the ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL!!! ONE OF THEM IS THE STAR OF THE BOOK, AND THE OTHER ONE IS TALKING!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY MOTHERFUCKER!??!!?!?!?!?!?!? Not happy with that, he does it twice more, once again to Murdock, star of the book, WHILE HE'S TALKING AND IS ONE OF THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL, AND THEN AGAIN... but in that panel Murdock is not talking, at least.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Coloring Dissection:

Reading the script is apparently a requirement...

C03-"THE GRAY HOOD." (The Dissector #181, 10/14/10)

COMMENT: This was just baffling.

TITLE: Red Hood: The Lost Days (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Jason Todd is trying to find a girl in a car that's, unwittingly, carrying a bomb. Over the phone, he asks her what kind of car she's in, and she says the car is red. But the colorist made the car gray or black...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Lettering Dissection:

My readership is loyal, and is bothered by the same things I am.

L03-"HÉRR." (The Dissector #185, 11/19/10)

COMMENT: Two of my pet peeves (well, the same one twice, basically), mixed together.

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 647.

CULPRIT: Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Joe's one of my favorite letterers, and that makes this dissection worse... he letter's what's supposed to be the word "Señor" as "Senõr". Not only that, he makes the "o" smaller because of the tilde. *sigh*

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzar's for fucking up the word, 7 for the smaller letter.
<-------------------------------->
Best Other Dissection:

This one was weird enough to not be ignored.

O04-"FIRST ISSUE EVER... AGAIN!" (The Dissector #187, 11/23/10)

COMMENT: There's hype, and then there's lying and being ridiculous.

TITLE: Spider-Girl V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Stephen Wacker (senior editor), Nate Cosby (editor), Tom Brennan (associate editor), and Mike Horwitz (assistant editor).

DISSECTION: Cover for this first issue says it's the "most synapse-shattering super hero debut of the decade". Really? Can someone explain to me how that's possible? Araña has been around since 2004; and she changed costume and name months ago, jumping around other books with it since then... This is not a debut in any way... at least not a "super hero debut". It might be a "solo series debut" (which would be partially correct), but not what they say...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Now, the positive awards on which you could vote:
<-------------------------------->
Best Quote:

This category was a tie; so I had to choose between the winner and another one. The winner was, ultimately, the one that worked well without knowing who said it (even if we do know) of the two.

Q03-"This station will be ground up with your bones into the finest powder which we will snort in our victory orgy." Drenx commander, S.W.O.R.D. #5. (The Dissector #154, 03/19/10)
<-------------------------------->
Best Moment:

Not my choice; but it was one of the "he had it coming" moments of the year.

M03-From Siege #4: It's over, Norman. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

<-------------------------------->
Best Cover:

I don't think this was even a contest, I just had to put a few covers around it to give options.

T02-From The Amazing Spider-Man V1 #625. The Gauntlet could get a bit repetitive, but the Rhino storyline was definitely compelling. Cover by Marko Djurdjevic. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

<-------------------------------->
Best Fight:

Yeah, this was pretty badass.

F03-Don't mess with John Walker (the former U.S.Agent), even when he's missing limbs! From Thunderbolts #147 (The Dissector #175, 09/07/10)


Now it's time for those awards that are given just for sheer dissection quantities:
<-------------------------------->
Company With Most Dissections: Marvel wins again; but unlike last year, when the difference was only 24 dissections, in this case it's almost ten times that; 232. Marvel had 1110 dissections, and DC 878.
<-------------------------------->
Company With Most Dissections Per Titles Ratio: DC wins this year, with a ratio of 6.2 from 878 dissections in 103 different titles I dissected during 2010; against Dynamite's 7.7 ratio (116 dissections in 15 titles), and Marvel's ratio of 6.2 (1110 dissections in 178 titles). I read more Dynamite books this year, it seems, than last year.
<-------------------------------->
Book With Most Dissections: Zorro doesn't win this year, even with 57 dissections, because there's another title with 63 dissections of its own... The Dissector. However, two things disqualify this column:

1) First, it's not a comic. I only review my own dissections because fair is fair.

2) X-Men Forever V2 (50 dissections), and X-Men Forever 2 (26 dissections) are basically the same book. They share the same characters, the same storyline; Chris Claremont writes both, and Tom Grummett is the main penciller in the first book and one of the most important two in the second one; plus, they share other creators (like letterer Tom Orzechowski). Combined, these two books get 76 dissections, and win this award.
<-------------------------------->
Book Family With Most Dissections: The X-Men family, with 369 dissections. Well behind are the Batman books with 206, and the Green Lantern books with 131. It's interesting to see how GL, with only three monthly books gets that third spot. No surprise to see the X-Men family get the first spot, since it's probably the most prolific family; although Batman is close, and I don't read all Bat books all the time... but then again, I don't read the half-dozen Wolverine books either.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Writer: I got most dissections this year, with 59; but for the same reasons as above, the award goes to Chris Claremont's 52 dissections. Far behind, Matt Fraction and Matt Wagner share a spot with 39 each.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Artist: Mark Bagley and Freddie Williams II share first spot with 21, Ivan Reis gets second spot with 16, and 15 dissections each gets Ardian Syaf and Mike Mayhew a shared third spot.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Colorist: Hi-Fi takes top spot with 44 dissections, but I suspect they're actually a team and not one person. Dissector old friend Jeromy Cox (48 dissections) is second place, and Peter Pantazis gets third with 22 dissections.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Letterer: Simon Bowland is only third place with 43 dissections, workhorse Joe Caramagna (for sheer volume of work, not for dissection ratio) gets second spot with 45, and this category's winner is another workhorse, Dave Lanphear, with 69 dissections.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected "Other": The Marvel Handbooks are even more riddled with mistakes than before, giving their head writer/coordinator Michael Hoskin a first place with 32 dissections. Stephen Wacker is far, far behind in his second place (9 dissections), and Tom Brennan and Jeff Christiansen share a third spot with 8 dissections each.
<-------------------------------->
Single Issue With Most Dissections: Fantastic Four In... Ataque Del M.O.D.O.K.! (Marvel); a one-shot with forty-six dissections; forty-three of them being smaller accented letters or Ñs (something I no longer report in the column, but I did report it last year, so...). This issue was responsible for 62% of the dissections that gave Dave Lanphear the top spot in the Letterer category.
<-------------------------------->
And now, special awards given because... well, because I damn pleased, and because of certain merits or lack thereof.
<-------------------------------->
Cyclone Fashion Award To The Most Mutable Costume: Dick Grayson's Batman costume. Frank Quitely (I think) designed it, but almost nobody else could keep it straight; even changing the shape of his chest emblem between pages.
<-------------------------------->
Most Puzzling Mistake: Last year, Marvel started using a new font (here's an example) for credits, "next issue" blurbs and so on; in some of their books.

Most comic book fonts are all capital letters; and some feature two all-caps versions with slight differences, depending on whether you type lower case or capital text. This particular font has a difference in the "A" (though I don't know if it comes from caps/not caps); as you can see in the image linked above. Some "A"s have a small addendum on their upper left corner; something that would be pretty stupid in languages that use accented letters, but well, not in English.

However, Marvel could never decide when to use this modified "A". Was it for the larger letters in the last names? Well, no, as you can see in the first line of last names with Gage and Buchman, one with, and the other without. Was it only for the smaller letters in first names? No, as you can see in "Dan" (with) Buckley and "Rachel" (without) Pinnelas.

Sometimes they were used for the first letter of names beginning in A; sometimes they were used in all "A"s in the page; sometimes for none except one, etc... In one "also on sale this month" page "Secret Avengers" would have the special A, but Avengers Academy (in the same font, size, and usage) would not; then in another comic "Avengers Academy" in the same font, size and usage in a "also on sale" page would get the special "A" for both words. And so on. In any combination you can imagine.

From the examples I had saved to write this column, and from what I can see from a quick search, it looks it was something used exclusively for the Avengers line; except for a couple of exceptions (that I could find, Young Allies and Captain America: Forever Allies). Also, it seems to be something done by Virtual Calligraphy letterers. Then again, those are only the books I took note of because the lettering was inconsistent... sometimes, by sheer coincidence, they were consistent (using all special "A"s, or only for last names, etc).

Obviously, this is not something horrible; and it's not even something I will keep reporting, as previously mentioned. But it was, without a doubt, baffling. And it will continue to baffle me, both as a reader, and as a (new, very green) letterer.
<-------------------------------->
The You Make Doc Brown Cry Timeline Fuck-Up Award: DC Universe Legacies (DC) uses the age-old plot device of showing the history of the fictional universe through the eyes of a common citizen... but fails miserably. I've said it every time the book came out; because every time they made it worse: the book's main character starts out as a young boy in the late 30s or early 40s and is swayed away from a life of crime after being impressed by the JSA in their first appearances; but then, as the book progresses, he's shown as a young, fit policeman when Superman first appears, when Doomsday kills Superman, etc.
<-------------------------------->
Coal-Fueled Diesel Trainwreck Issue Award: An award reserved for an issue that was really, really bad; this time around it doesn't go to a comic book, but to a handbook; Heroic Age: Heroes (Marvel). Apart from the usual load of mistakes (spelling mistakes, continuity errors, etc); in this case, what gets this issue the award is the fact that it fails at the very purpose of a handbook.

For some reason, perhaps due to being written in-universe by Steve Rogers, the usual Marvel Handbook power meters are not used. Instead, a power grid consisting of the following attributes is used: power, conscience, altruism, wisdom, courage, determination, free will, and vulnerability (in a scale from 1 to 10). Apparently, Hoskin and his writers have no idea what many of these words mean; look at how some characters are measured according to those attributes:

• Beast has an altruism of 9, while Angel, Reed Richards, Mockingbird, NAMORA, COLLECTIVE MAN, RADIOACTIVE MAN, Thor, Longshot, and JIMMY WOO have 10??!?!?!?!?!?
  
  
• Wolverine has a 5 altruism? Toro (the new bull-mutated kid, not the WWII Kid Torch) has a 7?
  
  
• Paladin (a mercenary) has an altruism of 7, same as Northstar, and more than Moon Knight? And Elixir, a healer gets 5?
  
  
• A-Bomb has a power of 8, while Angel has a 7, and American Eagle an 8. In what world are those characters of comparable power?
  

Vulnerability seems to be a mixture of physical and mental/emotional vulnerability, and even if you mix up the words "vulnerability" "invulnerability", switching the ends of the spectrum, it's still very fucked up:

• A-Bomb and American Eagle have the same rating, 8; and Angel a 6... making Angel less vulnerable than those two? Or only two points more vulnerable?
  
  
• Asgardians as a race have a vulnerability of 6. The same as Angel and Luke Cage.
  
  
• Captain Britain has a vulnerability of 2... if it's a physical attribute, he's not that resistant, if it's a mental/emotional attribute, his insecurities are not reflected.
  
  
• Despite his looks, the Thing is one of the most mentally stable characters in the whole Marvel universe, not to mention one of the most powerful, physically speaking. Then why does he get a vulnerability rating of 6?
  
  
• Darwin, one of the most unbalancedly powerful characters in the X-teams, has a vulnerability of 5, when he's basically indestructible?
  

This is delicate... Normally, a detail like this wouldn't score too high; but because this is a handbook, the attributes in the power grid are a basic part of the book. Furthermore, it's done by Steve Rogers, who's one of the better judges of character and tactical minds in the Marvel universe, so these fucked up ratings make him look like an idiot.

Something like this garners the handbook team the "Golden Bonesaw Award" for catastrophic underachievement.
<-------------------------------->
Best Book Of The Year: Captain America: Patriot (Marvel). Yes, a miniseries; but it got best book of the week each time it came out, and in fact, since this year the best book of the week really varied from week to week, it ended up being the only book with more than three "best book of the week" notches. To quote myself when I chose the first issue as best book of its week: "Karl Kesel is a veteran character writer, and he gets the 40s dialogue and feel perfectly. For a book with a lot of narration (in the form of newspaper articles), it reads easily. Artist Mitch Breitweiser, with colorist and wife Bettie Breitweiser, draw a story that's both modern and WWII... like a (good) propaganda poster come to life."

Maybe I enjoyed other books more over the course of the year; since they were ongoings; or had characters (like Spidey, Green Lantern or the Legion) that I enjoy more; and this book was going to get (regardless of the "best book" count) "best miniseries"... but I have to concede it gets top spot for 2010.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Book Of The Year: JSA All-Stars almost made it because of the horrible art; having been worst book of the week four times; but in the end Teen Titans had that spot six times in the year... half the times it came out (and I'm not counting specials like Teen Titans: Cold Case). No fixed creative time, writers that didn't seem to get the characters, and artists who just didn't cut it. Some samples of what I said about the book when I picked it as worst book of the week:

"(...) boring story, confusing dialogue, plain art. That simple."

"(...) the Dakota plot was weak, and Holocaust was insanely powerful (even with a power-up), taking on Superboy, Miss Martian, Kid Flash and Wonder Girl head-to-head... plus, I hate this new trend of allowing Beast Boy to shapeshift into alien or mythological animals..."

"(...) The art is not as bad as it's been before, but it still shows at certain points where Luís didn't put any effort into faces, and writer Felicia D. Henderson... should stay away from the Titans... cheesy dialogues, weird plot twists, characters behaving like jerks, and harebrained power-effects make for a bad comic."
<-------------------------------->
Creator That I'm Sorry I Have To Dissect Award: Fred Van Lente. I love his writing, and when I find errors in it, I hate to point them out.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Character Depiction Although You Obviously Have Talent Award: In Uncanny X-Men #527 Whilce Portacio and Leonard Kirk make Emma Frost seem like a crack whore, and Colossus like a mentally deficient jock. I was shocked.
<-------------------------------->
Breakout Book Of The Year: The Sixth Gun (Oni Press). Great read; without being really groundbreaking, but it stands out as a new book of the year to pay attention to. Excellent for anyone who likes westerns with a touch of supernatural, and quite possibly a good read for those who don't usually read comics.
<-------------------------------->
Bloody Stumps With Blunt Crayolas Award: With a single bound, Leandro Oliveira lands a Superman issue, with art that looks like this:


Yes, Rod Reis's unusually bad coloring helps, but look at those characters... man...
<-------------------------------->
Best Character Of The Year: Once more, the single best written, more entertaining character is Spider-Man. Both by the Spider-Brain Trust or now in solitary by Dan Slott (although he makes appearances in Avenger and FF books), the character grows and evolves at the same time it's still portrayed according to his essence, to his basic characterization.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Character Of The Year: Red Robin. Come on, I understand the need to get Tim Drake a niche of his own, but Jr. Batman isn't really the way to go!
<-------------------------------->
Best Event Of The Year: Superman: Last Stand of New Krypton. Pretty much self-contained, and action packed, despite some slight mistakes and the occasional weak art.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Event Of The Year: The Return Of Bruce Wayne (as "The Insider"). The whole miniseries by Morrison was boring, but the whole plot point as "The Insider" was even wrose.

YOU'RE WEARING A YELLOW UTILITY BELT! YOU HAVE A SUIT THAT GIVES YOU THE POWERS OF CLASSIC JUSTICE LEAGUE MEMBERS! YOUR GLOVES HAVE BATMAN SPIKES!!! AND SHE'S THE FOREMOST EXPERT IN INFORMATION IN THE SUPERHERO COMMUNITY!!! STOP TREATING THIS INSIDER SHIT AS MYSTERIOUS, IT'S OBVIOUS TO ALL HIS FUCKING ALLIES (AND ANYONE WHO CAN ADD 2+2) THAT THAT'S BATMAN!!!!!
<-------------------------------->
Best Publisher Of The Year: Personally, I liked a lot of the stuff DC put out this year, but they also had a lot of weak moves (see above, for example). Marvel, all in all, offered a great all-around spread of books with in every family of books (X-Men, Avengers, street heroes, etc).
<-------------------------------->
Worst Publisher Of The Year: Dynamite Comics, again, because they keep publishing books with gross Spanish mistake, and it's obvious they don't care, despite publishing a lot of good stuff.
<-------------------------------->
Funniest Book Of The Year: Atomic Robo (Red 5 Comics); in any of its permutations, always fun and funny.
<-------------------------------->
Best Creator Of The Year: Shared by Paul Levitz and Yildiray Cinar, for bringing back the Legion in style. I'm sad Cinar gradually did less and less of the LSH art, and that he won't be working on the team anymore. He was made for the book, and what can I say about Levitz? He still has it.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Creator Of The Year: I only read one book with art by him, and Leandro Oliveira (who did this) gets this award. Yes, a lot of other creators fucked up, but at least they do it in the process of delivering otherwise good stuff. Even Simon Spurrier... wait, I was going to excuse Simon, but he wrote an X-book where Dr. Nemesis said "Science-Gaze sees all, brainfail! There WILL be crotch-punching!", so... they share.
<-------------------------------->
Dumbest Plot Move: Bruce Wayne reveals he's behind Batman, and has been for years.

Batman, Inc. is a good concept, but I believe it's stupid for Bruce Wayne to reveal he's behind Batman, particularly when he a) still runs around inside a Batman costume, b) his three closest costumed associates are his children (two adoptive and one biological), c) those three sons are the exact heights and builds as the other Batman, Red Robin, and Robin and he paraded them in front of the press even if Damian hadn't been introduced to the public, and d) half of Gotham's population might suspect him of being Batman anyway. Add on top of that the fact that he's going around the world fronting Batman, Inc. and dealing with foreign governments and police departments, behaving in ways that completely throw overboard his playboy persona, and it's like he doesn't care if his cover is blown... Wait, maybe he just gave up on hiding it altogether! Of course, he has protection, so do his friends and associates... man, what a great moment to be a random employee of Wayne Enterprises!!!
<-------------------------------->
Most Baffling Dyslexia: Dear comic book writers, "physiognomy" does not mean the same as "physiology" or "anatomy". In case you're too lazy to click on links or crack open a fucking dictionary, here are the definitions of "physiognomy":

1. the face or countenance, esp. when considered as an index to the character: a fierce physiognomy.
2. Also called anthroposcopy. the art of determining character or personal characteristics from the form or features of the body, esp. of the face.
3. the outward appearance of anything, taken as offering some insight into its character: the physiognomy of a nation.

It is not, I repeat, NOT, a word that you can use to refer to mutant physiology/anatomy (like I dissected before on an X-Men book), nor a word you can use to refer to the digitized information of a person's body for teleportation... WORDS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!! THEY LIVE INSIDE DICTIONARIES!!! AND NOW, THEY'RE EVEN INSIDE THE INTERNET!!!!
<-------------------------------->
That's it for this year; I'll be on the outlook for more nominees, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #199.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

05-04 "Bah! I can travel in both time and relative dimensions in space!" Doctor Dinosaur, Atomic Robo & Others Free Comic Book Day 2011.

05-11 "This is nothing but bullshit! You expect us to believe that he can't get into this school because he hasn't passed English???? That's the worst excuse I've heard in my entire fucking life. What is it? You didn't like his psych test because this moron wrote all that crap about death and Jim Morrison's grave?" La Ranita, Ranitas: Catarsis & Rock N Roll.

05-18 "Tony said he hated the Norse god speech pattern I'd developed and promised to give ten million dollars to charity if I spoke like a normal person again." Thor, Ultimate Avengers Vs. New Ultimates #4.

05-25 "Y'know, there are times I wish Uncle Ben had told me that with great power comes pie..." Spider-Man, The Amazing Spider-Man V1 #662.

And welcome to a new column, this time for the month of May. Last column's DT! was cracked by Captain JohnnyDoe, who noticed that Martian Manhunter is too tall on that cover. Yes, he's a shapeshifter, but still... Let's go to the Picks of the Month:

Cover Of The Week for 05/04 was Chip 'N' Dale Rescue Rangers #6, by James Silvani and Jake Miller; even if the title characters are not in the cover, the other two stars are, and it's the perfect image of what a Rescue Rangers' adventure should be. Best Book for that week was Atomic Robo And The Deadly Art Of Science #5; a perfect ending for a, as usual, great mini from the Robo team. Worst Book was JSA All-Stars #18. Blocky, ugly art that lacks soul, and a bland plot. It's not bad that this book is ending soon. Best Book Of The Week for 05/11 is Black Panther: The Man Without Fear #518, I can't stress enough how fun, fast-paced, yet filled with character moments this book by David Liss and Francesco Francavilla is. Worst Book for 05/11 is Justice League Of America V2 #57. It's no secret I've found James Robinson's JLA run boring, and Brett Booth's art, while good, is not enough to save this book. Cover for that week is Patrick Zircher's alternate FF #3 cover with (part of) Wolverine's graphic evolution.

Cover for 05/18 is Alex Ross's cover for Rocketeer Adventures #1... I wouldn't mind having that painting. Best Book of that week was Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 #13. Paul Levitz never fails to deliver, and while I'd prefer that all art was Yildiray Cinar, Jonathan Glapion is not bad as his co-artist. Don't look for groundbreaking comic book storytelling, though, this is just a straight up future superhero romp. Worst Book was X-Men Giant-Size #1... a pointless fight, and a *yawn* ultra-powerful enemy that seeks to eradicate mutants, completely pulled out of nowhere, complete with a flashback to some of Cyclops' repressed memories from when the original five were Xavier's only X-Men. Best Book for 05/25 was issue #2 of The Strange Case of Mr. Hyde. It's a fresh take on the old tale, intertwining it with Jack The Ripper's, newcomer writer Cole Haddon (who comes from the screenwriting and movie journalism fields) spins an entertaining story that sounds at the same time fresh, modern, and Victorian as well. M.S. Corley (who I hadn't heard of before either) delivers great art that fits the story perfectly, enhanced by Jim Campbell's colors; and the whole thing is embellished by Richard Starking & Comicraft's lettering. Is it mind-blowing? No, I wouldn't say so. But it's so neat, so well done, that you can't help but say "man, this is a good comic book". Give it to people who don't usually read comics. Worst Book was Action Comics #901. One of the most boring Super Team Vs. Doomsdays fights I've ever red, Paul Cornell usually writes better things. Plus, why should I care about this book's numbering and history, if they're rewinding everything soon? Meh. Cover for this week is this sweet 70s movie poster style painting by Clayton Crain from Green Lantern V4 #66.

Let's get to those dissections...
<-------------------------------->
"ÖBAMA."

TITLE: Action Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 901.

CULPRIT: Jesus Merino (artist) & Paul Cornell (writer).

DISSECTION: Current DCU president (shown mostly in Freedom Fighters) is not Obama, nor does he even look like him (he's actually white).

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Plus, it's actually un-DC to have a real-life president (although they've done it before, occasionally).
<-------------------------------->
"THE DYSSECTOR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Clockwork Chap).

ISSUE: 198.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: My apologies to HDSC member Sidney, whose name I spelled as "Sydney" last column. Badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BACK TO THE LEAGUE."

TITLE: JLA V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 58.

CULPRIT: Mike Miller (penciller).

DISSECTION: Check this one, from 2001:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TIME TWIST."

TITLE: Knights Of The Dinner Table: Black Hands 2011 Special (Kenzer & Co.).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Jolly Blackburn (writer).

DISSECTION: Weird Pete, Patty, B.A., and Earl are all talking about when Nitro had recently returned from the Marines, fifteen years ago, and Earl says he remembers him as being terrible back then. Only problem is, Earl was introduced in the strip as a new character, transferring from another college to the local university only a few years ago. This doesn't jive even with a fluid timescale (like the one this comic uses), because Earl was specifically introduced as a new guy in town.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"~^?"

TITLE: Namor: The First Mutant (Marvel)

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Joe Caramagna (letterer)

DISSECTION: Penciller Sergio Ariño gets his name wrong, with a "^" instead of the "~" that the "ñ" should have... and it's halfway over the A and the R...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Double.
<-------------------------------->
"IF I HAD A HAMMER."

TITLE: The New Avengers V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis.

DISSECTION: Given how public it was during Norman Osborn's "Dark Reign", there's absolutely no way anyone, much less a cop, would not know what H.A.M.M.E.R. is or was.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"GRILS, GRILS, GRILS."

TITLE: Suicide Girls (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 & 02.

CULPRIT: Unidentified production designer.

DISSECTION: One of the ads at the end says "suiciegirls". I know producing this complete marketing vehicle must sap your enthusiasm, but you can at least write the brand name right, no?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TA-NO-TANTU."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 35.

CULPRIT: Fabrizio Fiorentino (penciller).

DISSECTION: Vixen's powers come from her Tantu totem necklace. So you kind of have to draw it on her, not just a random animal fang necklace.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"LET'S JUST SKIP A FEW STEPS IN EVOLUTON."

TITLE: X-Men Giant-Size (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Christopher Yost (penciller) and Paco Medina (penciller).

DISSECTION: "For Homo sapien to live... Australopithecus sediba had to die.", that phrase is full of fail, because Australopithecus weren't even proto-humans, Australopithecine were bipedal and dentally similar to humans, but with a brain size not much larger than modern apes, lacking the encephalization characteristics of the genus Homo. The date is wrong, too, since it says 2.5 million years ago, and A. sediba lived between 1.95 and 1.78 million years ago.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars for using the Australopithecine instead of one of the archaic Homo sapiens (such as Homo heidelbergensis, Homo rhodesiensis, or Homo neanderthalensis), 7 for the wrong date.
<-------------------------------->
May, then, has an average of 8.2 Bazzars in ten dissections. Pretty high, but then again, I'm only keeping the most outrageous dissections these days. Let's go with the Moments Of The Month. First, from 05/04's issue of Atomic Robo, Tesla has a real "war of the currents" with Edison:


If you know me, you know this is fan service for me. Thank you, Brian Clevinger and Scott Wegener! Next, more from the same issue:


The real reason behind alternating current! More Atomic Robo, from the 2011 Free Comic Book Day Special, we learn how Dr. Dinosaur gets his guns:


Moving on to the next week, what's a good idea to have Batman everywhere?


Well, it's certainly NOT bat-robots, Bruce! Of course, what can we expect from...


... an internet troll? Now, from a Uruguayan comic, Ranitas: Catarsis & Rock N Roll, the stuff we do as drunken teenagers:


I didn't do THAT exactly, and I was a pretty nerdy guy who went out dancing and drinking very little... but I did a few stupid things while drunk, so I smile at this from a "yeah, I know" viewpoint. Week of 05/18 brought me some Quislet action over in LSH:


And it's almost as if the book had been written for me:


Good one. Now, more fan service, even if I don't like this artist, is having Lockheed meet up with Kitty Pryde in Astonishing X-Men:


That didn't go to well... or did it?


Guns! Big guns! You know who knows his place in the universe? Paladin:


He keeps it real. More Uruguayan stuff, from Orange Shaft, you shouldn't try to mug the wrong guy:


Believe me, this one of the tamest scenes in the whole book. You should see what Orange Shaft does to a guy's testicles with an arrow... Now, from 05/25, what do Donald's famous nephews do when they're not out adventuring?


They adventure some more! And to finish the column, John Stewart goes Death Star:


Again. Man, poor Mogo. I mean, we know he doesn't socialize, but that's no reason to do that to him That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!