The Dissector

The Dissector #131.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Whoa. Jingoistic overload. Somebody's confused the American flag with patriotism." Zero Cochrane (Ghost Rider 2099) inside the Iron Patriot armor software, Timestorm 2009-2099 #4.

Now, here's the column for comics released on 08/26; some books I haven't received yet (Wednesday Comics, in particular, the last issue I received was #6), so those will come when I read them. In fact, Zorro #15, dissected here, is from the week before, and the aforementioned Wednesday Comics #6 is from weeks ago. As is customary these past few weeks, JohnnyDoe cracked the DT! again; he noticed that Claremont gave a diesel locomotive a furnace and the need for someone shoveling coal into it. He's found some other stuff too... see below... Badge for you, man.

Let's get on with the Dissector's Picks Of The Week, shall we? Best Book Of the Week goes to The Last Days Of Animal Man #4; as usual, Gerry Conway manages to write Animal Man perfectly; with Chris Batista's art being the perfect complement to his writing. Add a Brian Bolland cover, and it's a great book, solid. A mention goes to the newest Marvel/Soleil offering, Spin Angels, first issue out of three; an interesting tale about Catholic Church agents facing Templars and recovering early Christian relics to maintain the theological supremacy of the Church. I would have preferred it to bear the original title, Crossfire; but that's a minor matter. It has an interest plot, and a good blend of European comic book art (ligne claire, in particular) and manga styling; along with a dash of American comics... not as good a blend as Gipsy, as sometimes the manga elements overpower the other elements, and it distracts a bit from the story.

Worst Book Of The Week, and I'll keep it short, was Skrull Kill Krew #4. The art is sloppy, the plot is boring; the book is going nowhere... well, it's going to the last issue, next one.
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"I GOT A DYEJOB IN PRISON."

TITLE: Avengers: The Initiative (Marvel).

ISSUE: 27.

CULPRIT: Edgar Delgado (colorist).

DISSECTION: Hardball's hair is colored brown, when he's got blond hair.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"OH MY, SUCH TERRIBLE COMPLEXION!"

TITLE: Batman: The Widening Gyre (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 06

CULPRIT: Kevin Smith (writer).

DISSECTION: It's good to read another Batman book by Kevin Smith, he's better suited for this kind of extemporal miniseries or one-shots. However, he claims that Waylon Jones, aka Killer Croc, is the way he is because he suffers from epidermodysplasia verruciformis, which makes him highly susceptible to human papillomavirus (which he also spells incorrectly as "papilloma virus"). First of all, it's been established in comics that Killer Croc suffers from a sort of genetic disease that gives him atavistic characteristics, essentially de-evolving him into a reptilian humanoid. Second, HPV could not give him the appearance and physical attributes of a crocodile.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Blüdhaven is spelled "Bludhaven" once; and artist Walt Flanagan overdoes the artistic license of drawing long bat-ears on Batman's cowl, when he makes them as long as Batman's head itself.
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"WHO'S THAT GIRL? QUIEN ES ESA NIÑA?"

TITLE: Dark Avengers (Marvel).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: Luke Ross (penciller).

DISSECTION: Look at the image below; I was reading through this issue and I spot that blonde girl with elf ears at Graymalkin's (well, Utopia now) control center:


Who is she supposed to be? I knew it wasn't Magik, because she's never had pointy ears, not even while she's all Darkchylde-y. It couldn't be Pixie, because she's in the next page (see above) with totally different hair (purple and wavy, as it should be), and while Luke Ross's art is weak in this issue, he's consistent. Or so I thought. So I asked on my Facebook for help, and a very enlightening discussion followed. Yog proposed it was a random person; but that wasn't possible, not on the X-Men's control room.

Korath suggested it could be Ariel, because she has teleportation powers, like Pixie and Nightcrawler, and are needed for the plan to work. But she's never had pointy ears, and she looks like this nowadays.

Mitch, via Nysie (High Admiral Nysie of the HDSC, to all of you) suggested it could be Meggan Braddock; and while it sure looks like her, she just got back to Captain Britain over in his own book, and they would have made a great fuss about her being in San Francisco (particularly her old teammates Colossus and Nightcrawler, particularly the latter).

Then Korath pointed out that Megan (Megan Gwynn, aka Pixie) has been wearing a headband in Uncanny X-Men, and that her normally pink hair looks blonde in the pinkish purple lighting. I countered that while Megan was wearing a headband in UXM #514; that doesn't mean someone else could have put one on. If it's Pixie, then Luke Ross fubarued BIG TIME, because in the next page, her hair and facial features look COMPLETELY different, she has no freckles, her ears are shaped differently, and she's not wearing a headband (see the above image again).

That's mystery girl on the left, and Pixie on the other two images. On the first one, her face is different, the freckles (an important feature on Pixie's face since she was first introduced) are missing, there's no headband on the ones we know it's her, and while the last two images don't have a completley consistent shape between them, they're definitely different from the one on mystery girl (mystery girl has an inward curve in the upward left backside of her ear, Pixie's ear is reversed). So, if that girl in the control room is supposed to be Pixie, Luke Ross did a poor job of portraying her. Oh, one more thing... the girl in the control room is wearing an earring. Next page, Pixie is not.

I kept researching. and scoured the "198" profiles, but couldn't find someone with elven ears that might be there plausibly; which makes me conclude that Luke Ross meant to draw Pixie in that scene, and screwed up. Badges for Yog, Korath, Mitch and Nysie for contributing with my research.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Ross also draws Nightcrawler with long hair; when he has it reasonably short, and Dean White gives Namor brown eyes, when he has blue-grey eyes. All in all, a great issue, though.
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"NOTHING LEFT TO SAI."

TITLE: Dark Reign: Elektra (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05 of 05.

CULPRIT: Clay Mann (penciller).

DISSECTION: The sai grip was perfect on the cover... but not inside. Now, did we need a five-issue mini for this story? Wouldn't an oversized one-shot sufficed?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"PANCHO IBANEZ."

TITLE: Dark Reign: The Sinister Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: Brian Reed (writer).

DISSECTION: "Ibanez", the last name of what seems to be NYPD's Chief should be "Ibáñez". "Ibanez" doesn't exist.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"ACCENTUATING THE BEGINING."

TITLE: Dark X-Men: The Beginning (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 03.

CULPRIT: Rob Steen (letterer).

DISSECTION: Two accented letters are smaller than they should be.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars each.
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"STREAK ONE."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 130.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: JohnnyDoe noticed (get off my back!!!) that when I corrected myself about his spotting the error with Streaky's gender; I said "Krypto" instead of "Streaky". Another badge for you. Do you ever sleep?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. I also numbered the last column as #131, when it was #130.
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"RIDDLE ME THIS: WHAT CONTACTS BRAND DOES HE USE?"

TITLE: Gotham City Sirens 03 (DC).

ISSUE: 03.

CULPRIT: Guillem March (colorist).

DISSECTION: The Riddler's eyes are colored brown, when they should be blue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"SINESTROPTICALS."

TITLE: Green Lantern V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 45.

CULPRIT: Randy Mayor (colorist).

DISSECTION: Sinestro's eyes are colored yellow and black, when they should be regular black eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"DIACRITICAL MASS."

TITLE: Herogasm (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Simon Bowland (letterer).

DISSECTION: A letter with a diacritic is smaller than it should be.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"RED HULK PUNY!"

TITLE: Hulk V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 14.

CULPRIT: Jeph Loeb (writer).

DISSECTION: Uh... are we really meant to believe that the Punisher can shoot some bullets and stab the red Hulk with a knife and make him bleed? I don't care what ordnance he's carrying, I don't buy that.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, Loeb, S.H.I.E.L.D. was not the USA's central intelligence agency. For one, that's the CIA, second, S.H.I.E.L.D. was a UN agency. There's also a small accented letter, courtesy of letterer Richard Starkings.
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"BOOTY CAP."

TITLE: The Incredible Hulk V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 601.

CULPRIT: Ariel Olivetti (artist).

DISSECTION: Great issue by Pak and Olivetti, certainly. Pak reminds us that Bruce Banner is a bona fide genius; and Olivetti's style recovers some plasticity, as opposed to the stiff figures he drew in Cable. There are a few writing and coloring mistakes in this issue; in particular Bucky Cap's boots are wrong.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"JUSTICE SOCIETY OF DISSECTION."

TITLE: Justice Society Of America V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 30.

CULPRIT: Jesús Merino (artist).

DISSECTION: See if you can spot this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Flash's boots are wrong.
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"THE INQUISITION... WHAT A SHOW!"

TITLE: Madame Xanadu (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 14.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: "The Inquisition" o "La Inquisición", but not "La Inquisition". Please. Also "pureza de sangre", not "limpieza de sangre".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars each.
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"BLUE MOONSTAR."

TITLE: New Mutants V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: John Rauch (colorist).

DISSECTION: Dani Moonstar's eyes are colored blue, when her eyes are brown.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Come on, this is a Native American you're coloring, can't you apply a bit of common sense?
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"JIMMY OLSEN'S BLUES."

TITLE: Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen Special (DC).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: James Robinson (writer).

DISSECTION: Natasha Irons tells Jimmy Olsen she can't be there (River City), but Jimmy asks "Metropolis?", when he's made it very clear that he's traveled quite a bit to get to River City.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"STATUTORY STATUES."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 74.

CULPRIT: Joe Bennett (penciller).

DISSECTION: Out front of Titans Tower (East Coast), you can see Superboy's statue before he comes back and destroys it... only the base of the statue is wrong, the statue is horizontally inverted, and Kid Flash's is either not there, or too far away. I'm willing to consider all of this just one dissection.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"UNITED... NOTHING OF NOTHING?"

TITLE: The Red Circle: The Shield (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Scott McDaniel (penciller).

DISSECTION: An emblem on the floor of a government facility says "UNITED..." and part of the rest is obscured by another panel... but there's no space for a proper name, such as "UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE" or something like that.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"ESCARABAJAZÚ!"

TITLE: Wednesday Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 12.

CULPRIT: Eddie Berganza (writer).

DISSECTION: A story page narrated by Blue Beetle, of course, it's going to have bullshit Spanish. Apart from some awkward sentences, he writes the word "qué" as "qúe" twice.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. At least letterer Nick J. Napolitano makes the accented letters the right size.
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"BOLT OF LIGHT."

TITLE: Wonder Woman V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 35.

CULPRIT: Gail Simone (writer) and/or Aaron Lopresti (penciller).

DISSECTION: Bolt I is shown attacking Black Canary, and he's dead.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Yes, it could be a new guy in his costume.
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"FOREVER ACCENTED."

TITLE: X-Men Forever V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Tom Orzechowski (letterer).

DISSECTION: Two accented letters are smaller than they should be.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars each.
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"EL ZORRO ES MUCHO MACHO! YES, HE'S VERY MASCLEIN!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: With all due respect, Mr. Wagner, I've said it once, and I'll say it again, and again: Zorro is a very enjoyable book, but you're detracting from the enjoyment with all the bullshit Spanish. Shall I go down the list for this issue? A servant would not say "perdóname" to the governor of California, he'd say "perdóneme". It's "buenas" noches, not "buenos" noches. It's "Vicente", not "Vincente". It's "Ángeles", "Señores", "Papá", and "Pérez" (MY OWN BLOODY LAST NAME), not "Angeles", "Señors", "Papa" (which means potato or Pope instead of dad), and "Perez". People don't say "Olé!" when they toast at dinner...

And now you're mangling up English again? "Captial", "noctrnal", and "propasal"? Come on, one proof read by someone who speaks both languages moderately well would be enough to STOP RUINING THIS BOOK!!! Also, I can't consider this a dissection, but if you insist in using random bits of Spanish, why do you refer to the Spanish monarch as Charles IV, instead of Carlos IV?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars each. The bullshit Spanish dissections are getting a markup!!! And please, please, PLEASE teach Simon Bowland that ACCENTED LETTERS AND THE LETTER Ñ ARE NOT SMALLER THAN THE RESTS OF THE LETTERS IN THE SAME SENTENCE!!! Total: 36 dissections in one issue. Most dissected letterer, writer, company, and book of the year will not be a surprise at the next Autopsy Awards...
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This columns ends up with a 6.8 Bazzars average on seventy-five dissections. Pretty high; I say. Oh, while I was writing this column I friended Simon Bowland on Facebook... I made sure to compliment him on all the lettering he does (he single-handedly letters Dynamite's books, and he also works for Marvel, Dark Horse and Image)... then proceeded to ask if I could make him a suggestion... I hope he doesn't mind... honestly, it's with a great deal of respect for his work, I want to see him do an even better job.

It's time for the Best Cover Of The Week, and it's a tie. One from this week, and another a back-issue. The current cover is the alternate cover for Flash: Rebirth #4, a striking piece by Ethan Van Sciver (happy birthday, BTW, Ethan). The old cover is from Knights Of The Dinner Table #138, the Gary Gygax tribute issue. Every time we sit down to game, we're playing with Gary...


Now, it's Moments Of The Week time! First up, from Flash: Rebirth, Flash Facts:


Don't you mess with the Flashes, or Daddy Flash will pimp slap yo' ass!!! Then, what's Ed Benes the best at?


Drawing Starfire's ass, of course!!! Then, who can't the Black Lanterns reanimate?


Of course!!! Now, the obvious happens within the Dark X-Men's ranks:


Obvious, but not less amusing! And then, Utopia:


Way cool. Then, inside Namor's head...


Legal action. Yup. Now, from The Boys: Herogasm:


Secret Service sure sounds like a great job! Incredible Hercules brings...


Another mention, albeit indirect, of moi! Then, Greg Pak writes a great Bruce Banner:


Pwnd! Smart pwnd! Now, people shouldn't make Norman angry:


Those guys are in for a WORLD of hurt once Norman gets the upper hand back... And to finish, if I ever run a space police force, I want my base planet like this:


With facial hair! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!