The Dissector

The Dissector #149.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Yes, Elsa Bloodstone, look deep into my dark and mysterious eyes. Hear The Cure cue up in the background and see me, see the real me for the awesome, dangerous, stud that I am!" N'Kantu, The Living Mummy, Marvel Heartbreakers.

Not listening to The Cure, though I like them, but here are the dissections from comics released on 02/03. I'm going to give you one more week to vote in the Autopsy Awards, so if you haven't voted, go ahead. Now, last week's DT! was spotted by Lt. Cmdr. JohnnyDoe (good to see you around, buddy); and it was obviously the fact that "Damocles" was spelled "Damacles". Badge for you!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are the following: Best Book Of The Week was The Boys #39, which shows us how Ennis can write an engaging issue of this book without having any blood or guts in it. The Question #37, part of the Blackest Night resurrected (or should I say "undead"?) books almost made it to Best Book, but you'll see below why it didn't. Worst Book Of The Week (and I just typed "World" instead of "Week", but it's THAT bad) was Red Tornado #6. The entire mini is drivel, not only in the way the story is written, but also because writer VanHook doesn't even bother to check how the powers or physiology of the characters he writes, not even when it comes to his book's star.

The (very short this week) Rundown: Blackest Night: Wonder Woman (Hal Jordan's badge is wrong), Doom Patrol V5 (Rita Farr's eyes are, once again, green, when they should be brown), Marvel Heartbreakers (Beast is given solid, yellow eyes), Siege (Ares' eyes are colored incorrectly, as are Jarvis' eyes and hair, and he doesn't look like he should).
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"A QUESTION OF BULLSHIT."

TITLE: The Question V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 37.

CULPRIT: Dennis O'Neil & Greg Rucka (writers).

DISSECTION: I CALLETH BULLSHIT!!! I was so happy to have a Question issue in the Blackest Night series of undead books, and I wasn't disappointed... until the end of the issue. Like I mentioned it before, it was almost Best Book Of The Week; with Denny O'Neil and Greg Rucka, the 80s and modern writers of the Question, and art by Denys Cowan and Bill Sienkiewicz. A perfect blend of the old and new Question books (well, second feature now).

What disappointed me so much, exactly? Well, I like creative ways of dealing with Black Lanterns, like Booster Gold separating one from its ring via time travel, or Mogo liquefying them inside his core. However, in this case, it was too much not to call bullshit. Lady Shiva discovers that by "not feeling any emotions", the Black Lanterns can't see her.

Not only I refuse to believe that the Black Lanterns don't have actual senses of vision, and at least hearing, not to mention being basically unstoppable killing machines, but I have a hard time believing two other things. First, while I can buy that Renee Montoya might be able to pull off the same "emotional invisibility" trick as Shiva (since Vic Sage trained Renee), I can't believe Tot Rodor is capable of that. Second, I don't really buy that the Black Lantern using Vic's body would just... give up and leave.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Bullshit. Also, Shiva's eyes go from being black or dark brown to blue.
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"RED DISSECTION."

TITLE: Red Robin (DC).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Christopher Yost (writer).

DISSECTION: Almost right off the bat (get it? "bat"), Dissect This!


DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"POOR VIXEN."

TITLE: Red Tornado V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: For the love of God, VanHook! Can't you at least read about the characters you're writing? Vixen cannot communicate with animals or use her powers to see through her eyes, never has been able too, don't just pull shit out of your ass.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. It's plausible, but still, badly written.
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"BREATHING UP A TORNADO."

TITLE: Red Tornado V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: Red Tornado's "respiratory function" diminishes. He doesn't need to breathe, even if he has imitation organs (the word "proxy" is used incorrectly by VanHook).

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. And of course, letterer Sal Cipriano can't decide whether the book penciller's name (is it his last name? is he Brazilian and uses a pen name?) is "Luis" or "Luís".
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"MATANZA DEL IDIOMA ESPAÑOL."

TITLE: Zorro Matanzas (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Don McGregor (writer).

DISSECTION: Well, this edition of an old, unpublished tale of Zorro, while not as horrible as the regular Zorro book in terms of misuse of the Spanish language, still has a couple of flaws. The most glaring Spanish flaw is the use of the word "ranchero" when they mean "rancho". As anyone who pays even a little attention can surmise, the first word means "rancher" and the second means "ranch".

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, "buenas dias". "BUENOS DIAS"!!!!
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"SLAUGHTERING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE."

TITLE: Zorro Matanzas (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Don McGregor (writer).

DISSECTION: ... and Matanzas can't handle the English language right either. Zorro warns Bernardo to not let a villain fool him with his "veneer of refinery". Gee, Don, wouldn't that be "refinedness"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. McGregor also has Zorro refer to his cape as "dark blue", and colorist Sam Parsons colors Bernardo's hair white for a page, then reddish.
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Only eighteen dissections, that's a pretty low count... and a resounding 7.0 Bazzars in average. Cover Of The Week is this very European piece by Paul Grist, with colors by Phil Elliot.


Now, Moments Of The Week, first up, Frenchie finds a way to occupy the Female's time:


British comics? But *gasp* I thought he was French! Then, what's Oberon been doing since we last saw him?


Superhero moving! What's with the hair? And now, what is the future of baby cribs? Well, nurturing AIs blending great physicists and classic black 80s comedians:


And for a finish, I despise the Sentry, you know that, and now it turns out he can rip Ares in half?


Bleh... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!