The Dissector #149.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Yes, Elsa Bloodstone, look deep into my dark and mysterious eyes. Hear The Cure cue up in the background and see me, see the real me for the awesome, dangerous, stud that I am!" N'Kantu, The Living Mummy, Marvel Heartbreakers.

Not listening to The Cure, though I like them, but here are the dissections from comics released on 02/03. I'm going to give you one more week to vote in the Autopsy Awards, so if you haven't voted, go ahead. Now, last week's DT! was spotted by Lt. Cmdr. JohnnyDoe (good to see you around, buddy); and it was obviously the fact that "Damocles" was spelled "Damacles". Badge for you!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are the following: Best Book Of The Week was The Boys #39, which shows us how Ennis can write an engaging issue of this book without having any blood or guts in it. The Question #37, part of the Blackest Night resurrected (or should I say "undead"?) books almost made it to Best Book, but you'll see below why it didn't. Worst Book Of The Week (and I just typed "World" instead of "Week", but it's THAT bad) was Red Tornado #6. The entire mini is drivel, not only in the way the story is written, but also because writer VanHook doesn't even bother to check how the powers or physiology of the characters he writes, not even when it comes to his book's star.

The (very short this week) Rundown: Blackest Night: Wonder Woman (Hal Jordan's badge is wrong), Doom Patrol V5 (Rita Farr's eyes are, once again, green, when they should be brown), Marvel Heartbreakers (Beast is given solid, yellow eyes), Siege (Ares' eyes are colored incorrectly, as are Jarvis' eyes and hair, and he doesn't look like he should).
<-------------------------------->
"A QUESTION OF BULLSHIT."

TITLE: The Question V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 37.

CULPRIT: Dennis O'Neil & Greg Rucka (writers).

DISSECTION: I CALLETH BULLSHIT!!! I was so happy to have a Question issue in the Blackest Night series of undead books, and I wasn't disappointed... until the end of the issue. Like I mentioned it before, it was almost Best Book Of The Week; with Denny O'Neil and Greg Rucka, the 80s and modern writers of the Question, and art by Denys Cowan and Bill Sienkiewicz. A perfect blend of the old and new Question books (well, second feature now).

What disappointed me so much, exactly? Well, I like creative ways of dealing with Black Lanterns, like Booster Gold separating one from its ring via time travel, or Mogo liquefying them inside his core. However, in this case, it was too much not to call bullshit. Lady Shiva discovers that by "not feeling any emotions", the Black Lanterns can't see her.

Not only I refuse to believe that the Black Lanterns don't have actual senses of vision, and at least hearing, not to mention being basically unstoppable killing machines, but I have a hard time believing two other things. First, while I can buy that Renee Montoya might be able to pull off the same "emotional invisibility" trick as Shiva (since Vic Sage trained Renee), I can't believe Tot Rodor is capable of that. Second, I don't really buy that the Black Lantern using Vic's body would just... give up and leave.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Bullshit. Also, Shiva's eyes go from being black or dark brown to blue.
<-------------------------------->
"RED DISSECTION."

TITLE: Red Robin (DC).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Christopher Yost (writer).

DISSECTION: Almost right off the bat (get it? "bat"), Dissect This!


DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"POOR VIXEN."

TITLE: Red Tornado V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: For the love of God, VanHook! Can't you at least read about the characters you're writing? Vixen cannot communicate with animals or use her powers to see through her eyes, never has been able too, don't just pull shit out of your ass.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. It's plausible, but still, badly written.
<-------------------------------->
"BREATHING UP A TORNADO."

TITLE: Red Tornado V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: Red Tornado's "respiratory function" diminishes. He doesn't need to breathe, even if he has imitation organs (the word "proxy" is used incorrectly by VanHook).

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. And of course, letterer Sal Cipriano can't decide whether the book penciller's name (is it his last name? is he Brazilian and uses a pen name?) is "Luis" or "Luís".
<-------------------------------->
"MATANZA DEL IDIOMA ESPAÑOL."

TITLE: Zorro Matanzas (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Don McGregor (writer).

DISSECTION: Well, this edition of an old, unpublished tale of Zorro, while not as horrible as the regular Zorro book in terms of misuse of the Spanish language, still has a couple of flaws. The most glaring Spanish flaw is the use of the word "ranchero" when they mean "rancho". As anyone who pays even a little attention can surmise, the first word means "rancher" and the second means "ranch".

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, "buenas dias". "BUENOS DIAS"!!!!
<-------------------------------->
"SLAUGHTERING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE."

TITLE: Zorro Matanzas (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Don McGregor (writer).

DISSECTION: ... and Matanzas can't handle the English language right either. Zorro warns Bernardo to not let a villain fool him with his "veneer of refinery". Gee, Don, wouldn't that be "refinedness"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. McGregor also has Zorro refer to his cape as "dark blue", and colorist Sam Parsons colors Bernardo's hair white for a page, then reddish.
<-------------------------------->
Only eighteen dissections, that's a pretty low count... and a resounding 7.0 Bazzars in average. Cover Of The Week is this very European piece by Paul Grist, with colors by Phil Elliot.


Now, Moments Of The Week, first up, Frenchie finds a way to occupy the Female's time:


British comics? But *gasp* I thought he was French! Then, what's Oberon been doing since we last saw him?


Superhero moving! What's with the hair? And now, what is the future of baby cribs? Well, nurturing AIs blending great physicists and classic black 80s comedians:


And for a finish, I despise the Sentry, you know that, and now it turns out he can rip Ares in half?


Bleh... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #135.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Been a while... but toppling banana republics is like riding a bike. Once you learn how, you never forget." Crossbones, House Of M: Masters Of Evil #3.

Welcome to the column for comics released on 10/07! Nobody cracked the DT!; although JohnnyDoe came close. He mentioned that "Victor Sage" wasn't The Question's real name, but a pseudonym, which he used in his TV reporter career. That was almost right... the problem is that the grave says "Victor Sage", and Charles Victor Szasz never used the name "Victor"... he was always just "Vic".

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week were the following: Best Book Of The Week was The Boys #35; we get Mother's Milk origin, which is a nice thing. Worst Book Of The Week was almost Captain America: Theater Of War - Ghosts Of My Country, with its purely patriotic story which tells us nothing about the character; but the writing wasn't actually bad, and the art was passable. How does Paul Jenkins, a Brit, manage not to puke while writing this drivel? I guess it's the same way I talk nice to customers: it pays the bills. No, Worst Book Of The Week was Magog #2... the writing is awful; and the art is downright disgusting... Someone hide Howard Porter's pencils, please:


Eww, right? Before the full dissections, here comes The Rundown: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Ben Reilly's eyes are colored blue; then brown, as they should be), Angel ("Los Angles", and hair color mistakes), Black Panther V5 (Reed Richards is given blue eyes; again Wakandans writing in English), Doom Patrol V5 (both Mento and Elasti-Girl have wrong eye colors), Final Crisis Aftermath: Run (John Stewart's boots, emblems and eyes are wrong), The Good, The Bad And The Ugly (several language dissections, but nothing as bad nor as many as before, Dixon's getting better at it), Greek Street (one typo), Justice League: Cry For Justice (Hal Jordan's badge is incorrect all the time, Vixen's not wearing her totem, Zatanna and Red Arrow have wrong costumes; while Firestorm looks like Ronnie Raymond), R.E.B.E.L.S. (L.E.G.I.O.N. satellites with writing in English), Star Wars Halloween Special (Chewbacca gets brown eyes instead of his baby blues).
<-------------------------------->
"THE UNSEEN MEDICINE TEXTBOOK."

TITLE: Batman: The Unseen (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Doug Moench (writer).

DISSECTION: There is no such thing as a "vaso-musculature system".

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I WISH I COULD UNSEE THIS."

TITLE: Batman: The Unseen (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Kelley Jones (artist).

DISSECTION: Yes, I know Batman's cape, and his whole costume is used for dramatic effect, altered slightly by the artist, but this is ridiculous:


Look at those glove spikes, thirty centimeters long! Half-meter long bat ears! A circus tent cape! Please!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DOZENS OF DISSECTIONS."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 134.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Donald313 noticed I wrote "dozens several occurrences", when it should have been "several occurrences" only.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Badge for Don, two more and you make Lieutenant.
<-------------------------------->
"DE OTRO PALO..."

TITLE: Doctor Voodoo: Avenger Of The Supernatural (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Jefte Palo (artist).

DISSECTION: Use your divination powers on this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. There's also a few lettering errors; and the writer has Doctor Voodoo run a clinic and treat patients as if he was a medical doctor... when he's a psychologist.
<-------------------------------->
"PROFILE, SCHMOFILE."

TITLE: Doctor Voodoo: Avenger Of The Supernatural (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Unknown profile writer and Lauren Sankovitch (editor).

DISSECTION: The profile for Doctor Voodoo is sorely out of date; it's for "Brother Voodoo", it narrates some of his recent adventures without noting that some of those adventures were not had by him but by a Skrull impersonating him; and it neglects to include his recent ascendance to Sorcerer Supreme. Pitiful.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars each,
<-------------------------------->
"EYE-GOG."

TITLE: Magog (DC).

ISSUE: 02

CULPRIT: Hi-Fi Designs (colorist).

DISSECTION: Ted Grant's eyes are colored incorrectly.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"AGENTS OF X-OSKELETON."

TITLE: X-Men Vs. Agents Of Atlas (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 02.

CULPRIT: Jeff Parker (writer).

DISSECTION: Rockslide does not "assimilate rock as an exoskeleton"; he is a psionic entity that creates a body out of rock for himself. There is a big difference.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, Pixie does not "seem magical, but pure mutant youth"; she is part magical now.
<-------------------------------->
So, that gives us a 6.8 Bazzars average in fifty-one dissections, pretty high. Now, Cover Of The Week was the following:


From Absolution #2; from Warren Ellis Press... I mean, Avatar Press... Simple fan service, but I liked the cover. Now, the Moments Of The Week; just two. First, Spidey tells us what the intarwebz are for:


Eww... Osporn... Then, the most horrible Wolverine jumping pose ever:


What is he doing, rocking on his abs? That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #127.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"The zombie horde tears into you like a pack of three year olds into a bag of two cent candy." B.A. Felton, Knights Of The Dinner Table #139.

Yes, that quote is from last year, but it’s still funny, and I just got the issue. Trying to stay on top, here's the column for comics released on 07/29, and let's start by congratulating Ensign JohnnyDoe for cracking the DT! from last week. Tigra's feet look like normal female feet, instead of having claws like she should. JD also pointed out that her hands look too much like claws, but I'll let that pass as artistic license. Badge for you, old bean!

Now, The Dissector's Picks Of The Week: Best Book Of The Week was Ignition City #4; nothing spectacular, but Warren Ellis writes a nice tale, no matter the setting, and "pulppunk" is a strong suit for him. Worst Book Of The Week was Ultimatum #5... last issue of a stinker of an event, which probably ruined the Ultimate universe. Dissections time now.
<-------------------------------->
"DOOMED LETTERING."

TITLE: Batman: The Brave And The Bold (DC).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: A word balloon intended for Batman points towards Robotman. Travis, you're just not paying attention to the Johnny DC titles, eh?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ALBERT MATCH FREE."

TITLE: Battlefields: The Tankies (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 03 of 03.

CULPRIT: Garth Ennis (writer).

DISSECTION: As usual, Dominik helped me with the German in this issue. Ennis has a Nazi officer use the phrase "Arbeiten sie ihre besondere zauberei", which is Babelfish translation of "Work your special magic." However, that phrase doesn't exist in German, and the verb "arbeiten" can't be used in that way. A suitable alternative would have been "Tu das, was du am besten kannst.", which translates as "Do what you do best".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Badge for you, Dom.
<-------------------------------->
"HE BOUGHT IT ON AMAZON."

TITLE: Blackest Night: Tales Of The Corps (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 03.

CULPRIT: Mike Mayhew (artist) and/or Peter J. Tomasi (writer).

DISSECTION: Arisia's father gives her a book by Tomar Re... and Re's name is on regular Latin characters on the cover. I'm not buying that.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, when Arisia joins the Corps, Guy Gardner is seen in Oa. He wouldn't have been there at the moment, since he was in a coma at the time; plus, he wouldn't have been wearing his personalized uniform, even if it was during the short time before his coma where he covered for Hal.
<-------------------------------->
"THE GOBLIN AND EYE."

TITLE: Dark Reign: The Goblin Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Tom Chu (colorist).

DISSECTION: Even if this very book includes profiles for Harry and Norman Osborn stating their eyes are blue, they still get their eyes colored incorrectly. Consistency, please.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"LETHAL EYES."

TITLE: Dark Reign: Lethal Legion (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 03.

CULPRIT: Chris Sotomayor (colorist).

DISSECTION: You've guessed it, it's Norman's eyes again.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SIÑISTER SPIDER-MAN."

TITLE: Dark Reign: The Sinister Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Brian Reed (writer).

DISSECTION: "Ibanez", the last name of what seems to be NYPD's Chief should be "Ibáñez". "Ibanez" doesn't exist.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Norman's eyes are colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
"NORMAN IN DA HIZZAZ!!!"

TITLE: Dark Reign: Young Avengers (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Sotocolor's Larry Molinar & Adam Street (colorists).

DISSECTION: Norman Osborn is in this issue. Take a guess.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. There's also a letter with a diacritic that's undersized.
<-------------------------------->
"WOLVEINE."

TITLE: Dark X-Men: The Beginning (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 03.

CULPRIT: Rob Williams (writer).

DISSECTION: Norman Osborn calls Daken a "berserker", but Daken answers with "beserker".

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars. Also, since Norman is in this issue, so you know what that means.
<-------------------------------->
"BOW-CHICA-WA-WA."

TITLE: Detective Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 855.

CULPRIT: Greg Rucka (writer).

DISSECTION: If Varga's dialogue is between brackets, to signify that it's actually in Spanish, why does it include the word "chica" in Spanish, instead of "girl" in English?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"YO, SISTER!"

TITLE: Detective Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 855.

CULPRIT: Greg Rucka (writer) and/or Jared K. Fletcher (letterer).

DISSECTION: Mean Jeff sent me this dissection he spotted:

"Herr Magnus,

In case you don't know, just thought I'd bring to your attention page 5 of the Question back-up in Detective 855.

On the first page, Renee tells Varga, "Hector Soliz wants to know where his SISTER is, Varga." Yet on page 5, after she puts a beatdown on Varga, she asks "Where's Hector, Sister?"

If you're an editor, are you supposed to READ the rough draft before it goes to print and make corrections, or is the title just a formality?

Seems to be a lot of this going around.

-Mean Jeff"

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars. Thanks for this, Jeff, and here's another badge for you.
<-------------------------------->
"MEA CULPA, MEA."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 127.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: JohnnyDoe caught this one:

"Another thing, in the "FANTASTIC CONTACT LENSES." part you wrote "DISSECTION: Mr. Fantastic's eyes should be brown, but they've been colored brown.".
Well if that is the case all should be fine then :-)"

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Thanks JD, another badge for you. Two more and you'll make Lieutenant. I've also been neglecting to label Unknown Soldier as V4.
<-------------------------------->
"LAURIE LEMMON, NOT LORI LEMARIS."

TITLE: Final Crisis: Legion Of 3 Worlds (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 05.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: Over at the Legion Omnicom, Boox909 gave me a heads up that on this issue, Superboy-Prime's girlfriend, Laurie Lemmon is called "Lori" in this issue, when she was correctly called "Laurie" in previous issues.

Boox9009, allow me to welcome you to the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps, with your first badge and the rank of Ensign.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, on the credits, George Pérez' "é" gets mangled.
<-------------------------------->
"BLUE MARBLES."

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 35.

CULPRIT: Pete Pantazis (colorist).

DISSECTION: It's not Norman, but Hoshi Kimiyo's eyes are colored blue, when they should be black. Do you just start coloring a comic book decide to give a Japanese character blue eyes, and you can't see anything odd about that?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Plastic Man's legs are painted as if he wore pants... and he doesn't; all in the same page where he is colored correctly in the rest of the panels
<-------------------------------->
"A TRUE MAMMOTH."

TITLE: Justice Society Of America V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 29.

CULPRIT: Jesús Merino (artist).

DISSECTION: Mammoth is a large man, but he's not inhumanly big; yet Merino draws him so that each of his arms is the size of Citizen Steel's entire body.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. There are also a few costuming mistakes, plus Merino's first name is shown in the credits as "Jesus".
<-------------------------------->
"SENORA SANADÚÚÚÚÚÚÚÚÚ!!!"

TITLE: Madame Xanadu (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 13.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: Matt, it's "Señora" and "Tomás", not "Senora" and "Tomas".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars each.
<-------------------------------->
"BABIES: IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE, THEY SHIFT SIZE ALL THE TIME."

TITLE: New Avengers (Marvel).

ISSUE: 55.

CULPRIT: Stuart Immonen (penciller).

DISSECTION: Danielle Cage is drawn much smaller and younger than she should be, and bald, as a two or three months old baby, when she's shown to be at least one year old. and with a full head of hair.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. There are other mistakes, like making Jessica Jones' hair orange, and drawing and coloring Captain America's boots incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
"TO BOLDLY PUT YOUR BALLOONS..."

TITLE: Star Trek: Mission's End (IDW).

ISSUE: 05 of 05.

CULPRIT: Neil Uyetake (letterer).

DISSECTION: A word balloon for Kirk is actually pointing at Spock. Oh, I got my Burger King Spock Prime toy today!!! I still want a Scotty and a regular Spock toy, but even though I've been to BK four times in the past month and a half, I haven't been able to get one. Kewl toys, except that the Spanish voices for the chips were recorded by Polish people who don't speak the language...

My kid opted for the ships and instruments, he has the communicator, the Jellyfish, and the Enterprise. Here's the whole set.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. The Star Trek II add is also on this book.
<-------------------------------->
"SOLO TUS OJOS."

TITLE: Star Wars Adventures: Princess Leia and the Royal Ransom (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Atiyeh (colorist).

DISSECTION: Han Solo's eyes are colored green during most of the issue... then brown (as they should be) for a couple of panels... then green again. So, not only are you unable to look at character references for one of the MAIN CHARACTERS OF THE STAR WARS SAGA, but you're also unable to keep your crap consistent for a single comic?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Yes. It's Han FUCKING Solo, not BoShek (who has brown eyes too, BTW & FYI).
<-------------------------------->
"COLORINKA, TOVARISCH."

TITLE: Thunderbolts (Marvel).

ISSUE: 134.

CULPRIT: Frank Martin (colorist).

DISSECTION: Incorrectly colored eyes? Yes, but not Norman's but Natasha Romanova's. Her eyes should be green, but they're colored blue here.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, there's a Russian vowel with diacritic that's smaller than it should be.
<-------------------------------->
"UNKNOWN SEÑOR."

TITLE: Unknown Soldier V4 (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Joshua Dysart (writer).

DISSECTION: Please, please!!! It's "señor", not "senor"!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WEDNESDAY THIS!"

TITLE: Wednesday Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 04 of 12.

CULPRIT: Jimmy Palmiotti (writer).

DISSECTION: Find me this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. There are also some eyes colored incorrectly, Iris' and Hawkman's.
<-------------------------------->
MAGNITO.""

TITLE: X-Men Forever V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer) and/or Jordan D. White & Charlie Beckerman (assistant editors) and/or Mark Paniccia (editor).

DISSECTION: On the recap page, what's a "supremicist"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. There are also several smaller accented letters.
<-------------------------------->
We had an average 6.4 Bazzars in forty eight Dissections. Now it's time for the Moments Of The Week. First up, the Tankies say goodbye having a good smoke:


Reminds me of a story... a guy I know used to smoke Russian cigarettes he bought from sailors in the harbor. They were NASTY pieces of shit that smelled awful; probably made out of one third normal tobacco, one third black tobacco, and one third Chernobyl waste. One day, in college (when you could still smoke in class), he left his pack of smokes on his chair, and went to ask the professor a question. When he returned to his seat, the smokes were gone, but he found some money and a note that read "BUY YOURSELF SOME MARLBOROS, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

I guess it's funnier when he tells it... Next up, I get a guest spot on Ignition City!!!


And this is how my house would smell:


... if it wasn't for my wife. Now, for some Star Wars fun, what's 100% necessary in Star Wars? Starships? Jedi? Adventure? Aliens?


No, incest. Even they are half-siblings, you just need to add their mom, Nyna Calixte (aka Morrigan Corde) and we'll have a threencestsome! And last, still in Star Wars, Grand Admiral/Grand Moff/High Moff Morlish Veed adds another title to his collection:



Yeah, he's not going to take advantage of his situation.... particularly not when it would shorten his business card by just making it read "Emperor". That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #64.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Pants, then spaceship. In that order." Jaime Reyes (Blue Beetle III) escaping from an alien mothership, Blue Beetle V7 #24.

Still playing catch-up, here are the dissections for the comics released on the week of 02/27, which at least lets us finish with the month of February. That quote up there is one of the reasons I just love the current Blue Beetle book. But more on that later; on another topic, the DT! from last column was not found by any of my readers, so I will reveal it myself. The problem was that the General is not drawn as tall as he should, he should be several feet taller than Bronze Tiger, yet he's just a couple of heads taller.

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow: Best Book Of The Week goes to, as you could guess from above, Blue Beetle V7 #24. John Rogers provide an excellent match of action, drama and humor; along with excellent dialogues; and while Rafael Albuquerque's art is not my cup of tea; it's almost flawless. The ending of this issue is also a great, as you'll see in the Moments Of The Week.

Worst Book Of The Week was Crime Bible: Five Lessons Of Blood. I never liked the art, and while I like Greg Rucka and the Question is one of my favorite characters (at least Vic Sage), Renee Montoya is just not cutting it for me... plus, this last issue, the ending, was just... meh. On to the dissections, then!
<-------------------------------->
"SUPER-DISSECTIVE!"

TITLE: Action Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 862.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer) and/or Rob Leigh (letterer).

DISSECTION: The Legion of Substitute Heroes does not have a hyphen between the last two words.

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar, plus the powers aren't listed properly, as usual.
<-------------------------------->
"THAT'S A FAKE BADGE!"

TITLE: Countdown To Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Tom Derenick (penciller).

DISSECTION: Kyle Rayner's chest emblem is drawn incorrectly.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars, he also drew the Piper's sunglasses wrong again, and Pete Pantazis colored the emblem incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
"ULTIMATE VOLUME."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 63.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Snakebyte correctly pointed out (and gets his sixth badge, making him a Lieutenant) that the current Ultimates book is "The Ultimates 3", and not "The Ultimates 3 V1", as I dubbed it. Not a mistake on my part, but a choice, and a wrong one.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WELD?"

TITLE: Hybrid Bastards (Archaia Studios Press).

ISSUE: 02 of 03.

CULPRIT: Tom Pinchuk (writer) and/or non-credited letterer.

DISSECTION: The word "wield" is spelled as "weild".

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar.
<-------------------------------->
"MARTIAN POWERS."

TITLE: JLA: Classified (DC).

ISSUE: 53.

CULPRIT: Roger Stern (writer).

DISSECTION: Since when can the Martian Manhunter draw strength and mass from the Earth to increase his own?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HE'S TALKING ABOUT UNDERDEVELOPED COUNTRIES."

TITLE: Justice Society of America V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 13.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: Superman (from Kingdom Come) does not know what Gog meant with "Third World"; when he should be familiar with the term "Fourth World" for the New Gods. Heck, at least as a former journalist (or anyone with some education) should know the non-DC meaning of the term.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Also, we have our customary Cyclone costume error (reported by Miss Kitty Fantastico, who just made Lt. Cmdr. in the HDSC!!!!), this time by the colorist, and also, Geoff Johns conveniently forgets that Jimmy Olsen is not just Perry's errand boy.
<-------------------------------->
"KNIGHTS OF THE DISSECTION TABLE."

TITLE: Knights Of The Dinner Table (Kenzer & Co.).

ISSUE: 133.

CULPRIT: Jolly Blackburn and/or Steve Johansson (writers).

DISSECTION: No, you don't have to know anything about KODT to find out this Dissect This! It's not about the plot, in fact, it's not about this comic at all.


DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MICRO LAD!"

TITLE: The Legion of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 39.

CULPRIT: Jim Shooter (writer).

DISSECTION: Colossal Boy powers, in this continuity, are not growing to giant size; he's a giant that shrinks to normal human size.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. There's also a small art error on Francis Manapul's part.
<-------------------------------->
"YOU KNOW HOW ACTRESSES ONLY PRETEND TO BE NAKED IN SOME SCENES?"

TITLE: Ultimate Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 119.

CULPRIT: Stuart Immonen (penciller).

DISSECTION: According to Tylo, at one point, Liz Allen, who's supposed to be naked, is clearly seen to have a sleeve when she's shutting her flame off.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars, as it could be a shadow and the edge of the blanket she's covering herself with.
<-------------------------------->
"ATTACK OF THE FIFTY FOOT RADIOACTIVE MAN!"

TITLE: World War Hulk Aftersmash: Damage Control (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 03.

CULPRIT: Salva Espin (artist). Odd, he's sometimes credited as Salvador Espin, and Marvel.com's own database has the two names as separate people.

DISSECTION: The Radioactive man, who's 6'6", is pictured as being about a feet and a half taller than the Swordsman, who's 5'9". What's odd, is that on the page before, their heights look correct.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars, just for not being able to keep things consistent. Also, Ares has no pupils or irises.
<-------------------------------->
"FROSTY... FROSTY...."

TITLE: X-Men: Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 208.

CULPRIT: David Finch (cover penciller).

DISSECTION: Great, yet another renamed title.... which will go back to calling itself X-Men in a few months....Finch draws the original X-Men in the cover, in their early days; yet he draws Iceman in his "iceman", rather than "snowman" form.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Ohmahgauze; as my friend Jess would say; lowest average ever! 4.1 Bazzars, in nineteen dissections. That'll be tough to beat, considering that the lowest average was 4.6, back in column #14. Now, what's not low is the amount of Moments Of The Week, there's nine, count 'em, nine of them. First up, the Subs attack using a space-bus, and Stone Boy gives the Justice League Of Earth the double-double space bird:

He literally rocks. Next, Batman gets prank calls:

Heh! Then, Blue Beetle surprises us:

For those of you not in the know, those are the magic words that the original Blue Beetle, Dan Garrett, used to activate his powers. Then, Apokolips goes chumbawumba:

Holy shit! Next up, you know how teachers say they have eyes on their back?

Well, Eyefull Ethel has eyes on her rack! We go on with some Star Wars; what are they using to wax Star Destroyer floors?

Or is that Admiral just flexible and likes to show off? More from the Titans, next; somebody raids Wonder Girl's panty drawer.

Uhm... is she still underage? Almost at the end, we get the Asgardians sitting in a town meeting:

Very funny... and last... one of the creepiest things I've seen in comics:

Eww..... really, ewwwwwww!!!!! That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector Special #04.

NOTE: Yes, I've been gone for almost a month, I know. Sorry about that, here's the ceremony for the 2005-2007 Autopsy Awards, I should be back next week with the begining of my catch-up columns for the past month.

Soft music echoes through the darkened room, a murmur of conversation of multiple people blends with the tunes, and suddenly, spotlights bathe the center of an improvised stage. The volume of the music goes up, and an announcer's voice (sounding just like Marcos Mundstock) says "Ladies, gentlemen, and other beings, please give it up for tonight's host... Uaaaaaatuuuuuu the Watcher!!!"

The crowd claps, and a bald figure dressed in a blue tuxedo, looking suspiciously similar to Brian Michael Bendis walks onto stage. "Thank you for your kind welcome! I am Uatu, and many of you know me from my voyeuristic adventures as the Watcher... and not the kind that watches hot slayers like Buffy..." As the crowd laughs, Uatu continues "I was a bit miffed, I confess, when MaGnUs changed the column to The Dissector, mostly because he changed the logo, which depicted yours truly in a very, well, shall we say, flattering light."


The Watcher walks a bit, and looking at his surroundings, he says "You might be wondering about your rather rustic surroundings, and why we've chosen this venue to celebrate the first ever Autopsy Awards. For those of you just tuning in, we're at a small bar located in the city of Montevideo, in Uruguay, a nation of what you'd call "the real world". The place is called "El Hacha", which means "The Axe", and it's the oldest standing establishment in town, having been founded in the late 18th century. It's earned that charming name after one of its bartenders was murdered by an axe blow to the head, also around three hundred years ago."


Pausing, Uatu produces a small purple kerchief from his breast pocket, and wipes his brow. "We thought about celebrating the ceremony at Warriors, over at DC's New Earth, Harry's Hideout, in Marvel's 616 Earth, or even Chalmun's cantina in Tatooine, but we settled on a place that would show no favoritism over a universe or another. Now, enjoy your cocktails and entrees, while we enjoy the first musical number of the night... Daaaaaazzler!!!"


A while later, after the performance of disco era Dazzler (complete with roller skates), the announcer's voice is heard again "Now, to present the first award of the evening, please welcome TV's William Shatner!!!!"


Elegantly clad in a dark suit, Shatner walks onto stage and stands behind the lectern, on which now rests a trophy depicting a bloody saw, like those used by coroners. "Thank you, thank you." the former Captain Kirk says as the thundering applause dies down. "I am here to present the first of a series of special awards. These are not awards dictated by votes, or by the number of times a specific mistake was made, but because they stood out among their peers. The first special award is the Justice Society of America's Cyclone, who in more or less than 20 comics she's appeared in, has never had her costume drawn correctly after the first time!"


The redheaded Cyclone flies onto stage, and when she lands and the whirlwind stops, the audience "ooohs" as they notice she's completely naked, clothes flying away at disparate angles! "I got tired of people getting my costume wrong," the superheroine says as she accepts the award (now covered in Shatner's drool) "so I just decided to get rid of it." More applause, and more drool later, Cyclone exits the stage, followed by Shatner. The announcer then says "And now, for the first award decided by your votes, please welcome Johnny Five!!!"


Gold plated for the occasion, the threaded robot rolls to the appointed place on stage, and its synthesized voice fills the speakers "Woooooohoooo! I'm very glad to present the award for Best Writing Dissection. The nominees are...

"UNITED SOCIALIST SOVIET KINGDOMS.", from issue five of the Books Of Doom, by Ed Brubaker.

"GOTHAM CITY, CITY STATE?", from 52 Week 14, ostensibly by Greg Rucka.

“NINJAS, SMINJAS!”, from issue 93 of Exiles, by Chris Claremont.

“FASTER THAN A RAY OF LIGHT!”, from issue 8 of Battlestar Galactica V4, by Greg Pak.

"MATH IS DIFFERENT IN THE FUTURE.", from issue 31 of (Supergirl And) The Legion Of Super-Heroes V5, by Tony Bedard.

"MY, MY, HOW YOU'VE GROWN!!", from issue 1 of Batman/Lobo: Deadly Serious, by Sam Kieth.

"SCIENCE IS HARD!", from issue 13 of Justice League Of America.V2, by Dwayne McDuffie."

Johnny Five opens the envelope and reads "And the winner is....SCIENCE IS HARD!!!" Dwayne McDuffie trots on stage and grabs the award, only stopping to say into the microphone "I swear I'm not turning the JLA into the JLU!!!"


As McDuffie leaves the stage, the announcer says "For our next award, please welcome Mr. Stan "The Man" Leeeeeeee!!!!"

Stan Lee walks on stage in the midst of the applause, affable as always, and as he positions himself behind the lectern, he says "Excelsior, true believers! And those of you who read DC comics as well!" As the audience's laughter dies down, Stan says "I'm here to present the first of the awards not given by any special circumstance, or by the reader's votes, but for sheer quantity of dissections. In this past two years that the column's been running, of over a thousand nits or dissections, the company with most dissections, and by a difference lower than 20 over the runner up, DC Comics, is... Marvel Comics!!!"

The Man's face goes ashen, as he looks up "Is this some kind of sick joke? Why the hell was I asked to present this particular award? What, you want a No Prize? Is that it? Alright, no more Mr. Nice Guy!!!!" The previously jolly comic book legend starts trashing the stage, when suddenly, a vaudeville style cane grabs him by the neck and removes him from view.


Uatu hurriedly enters the stage, looking flustered, as he says "What better moment than this than to present our next vote-in award? To present it, please welcome Benny Hill!!!"


Benny Hill walks on stage, and smiling, rapidly pats Uatu several times on the top of his head "Thank you Uatu! Yes, I know what many of you are thinking. Benny Hill is dead! Yes, of course I'm dead. But I'm the Benny Hill of Earth-23, where I still make fun of British people for the amusement of the whole world. And that's that. The nominees for Best Art Dissection are the following:

"REACH OUT AND TOUCH...", from issue #182 of X-Men V2, by Salvador Larroca.

"HELP! I'M SHRINKING!", from issue #4 of X-Men: The 198, by Jim Muniz.

"I ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE VIGILANTISM.", from issue #40 of Countdown by Manuel García."

Benny opens the envelope and looks at the slip of paper inside "Can you say landslide? Because all votes where for our winner, except for one. The winner is... "I ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE VIGILANTISM", by Manuel García!"

García, or rather someone wearing a plastic bag over his head walks on stage, grabs his saw-trophy, and says "MMMPHPHWOO!"


The music blares up, and as the mysterious figure leaves, a spotlight falls on Uatu, who's in a corner of the stage. "Our next presenter comes from a land down under, so let's please give it up for Crocodile Dundee!!!"


A rugged figure walks on stage, and sizes up the award in front of him "Well, it ain't a knife, that's f'sure mate. But it is bloody big, I'll tell ya. I'm here to present a special award for single issue with the most dissections. And the awards goes to Civil War: Battle Damage Report!!!" The audience claps, but nobody comes on stage to claim the award, Crocodile Dundee picks it up and leaves with it.

Uatu walks on stage again, and tugging a little at his collar says "Well, no hard feelings, right Marvel Handbooks team, eh?" Let us welcome our next presenter, a random Spanish-speaking person, who also speaks English, like the millions that live in the USA and could be consulted by writers when attempting to give their books some ethnic flavor!!!!"

A completely un-stereotypical person walks on stage, dressed in a gray suit "Hello." he says with just a hint of a Latin accent. "Let's just call me Manuel, and that's as stereotypical as I'll get. It's not even my real name."


"The nominees for Best Coloring Dissection are:

"THE INCREDIBLE COLOR-CHANGING CAPE", from issue #29 of Teen Titans V3, by Jeromy Cox.

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE GREEN OR WHITE!", from issue #32 of the same book, also by Jeromy Cox.

"I ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE VIGILANTISM", from issue #40 of Countdown, by Thomas Chu."

Opening the envelope, "Manuel" reads the contents and says "My, this was a tight race. The winner, by just one vote, is once again "I ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE VIGILANTISM", by Thomas Chu!!!"


A second figure (or perhaps the same as earlier), head covered in plastic bag, climbs on stage and raises the saw-trophy over his head "MMMWROREEE!" As the figure leaves, the announcer says "For our next award, please welcome.... is this for real? This can't be right.... uhm... OK...the Dungeon Master from the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon!!!!!""


Bald, short, and red-robbed, the Dungeon Master pops onto stage, and climbs behind the lectern "Yes... the next award is to the Book With Most Dissections... and the winner is....Countdown To Final Crisis!!!!"

Dan DiDio's mustachioed's visage appears hovering in a gigantic hologram "THANK YOU!!!!!", while in the audience Paul Dini sighs and says "I think he missed the point..."


Uatu chuckles while the spotlight shines on him, and says "Our next award was decided by your votes, but it's the first of two that goes to something positive, instead of mistakes. To present it, please welcome Mr. Chuuuuuck Noooooooorriiiiiiiis!!!"


Chuck Norris walks onto stage, kicking and punching at the air "Hey partners! I don't present awards, I am PRESENTED BY THEM!!!! YEEEHAW!!!!!!! But allow me to introduce the nominees for Best Quote:

"Electricity can only be replenished by whisky. This is actual physics. Don't argue with me, I am a doktor." Doktor Sleepless, Doktor Sleepless #1.

"Look at the Concorde: you used to be able to cross the Atlantic in three hours flat. Then the cunts stuck the future in a museum." Billy Butcher, The Boys #9.

"From the state of ridiculously tall and gorgeous amazons with perfect skin. Alba-chusetts, West Jessicabiel-burg. Stupid Alba-chussets." Brenda Del Vecchio, Blue Beetle V7 #18.

"Super-friction, Brainiac. Super-friction creates static electricity. Super-static-electricity creates... Shakkaboom. (...) My dream, my rules, you clockwork moron." Superman, Superman V1 #666.

"That is, without a doubt, the nastiest tasting stuff I ever put in my mouth." Wonder Girl II, Countdown #32.

"I'm getting lectured on CHILD SAFETY from a man who's gone through FOUR ROBINS?" Wally West (obviously to Batman), The Flash V2 #233."

Chuck throws the envelope in the air, and roundhouse kicks it open, catching the slip of paper with his teeth. He reads it, and announces "And the winner is..... Doktor Sleepless' whisky quote. by Warren Ellis!!!!!"


Doktor Sleepless jetpacks down from the ceiling, grabbing the award without stopping "YES!!! I SHALL EXPERIMENT WITH THIS AWARD!!! AND I SHALL CREATE.... THE FUTURE!!! Or perhaps, some kind of cataclysmic event that eradicates all life on Earth..." and flies away.


The announcer laughs nervously as he says "I could have sworn that was Warren Ellis dressed as Doc Sleepless... Anyway, please welcome our next presenter, Adam West!!!"


Adam West saunters onto stage, waving at everyone. "Thank you, thank you, old chums! I'm here to present the award for Best Lettering Dissection. The nominees are... the following:

"I DON'T THINK WE'RE SUPOSSED TO MENTION THAT IN FRONT OF TONY, HE MIGHT GO AND TELL HIS DRINKING BUDDIES...", from issue #16 of New Avengers, by Richard Starkings & Comicraft's Albert Deschesne (letterer).

"COCONUT PLANTATIONS ARE ILEGAL IN THE DC UNIVERSE.", from issue #1 of The Question Quarterly, by Willie Schubert (letterer).

"OH D?OS M?O!", from issue #16 of Blue Beetle V7, by Phil Balsman.

"WHA?", from issue #490 of Uncanny X-Men, by VC's Joe Caramagna."

West pulls the envelope from his pocket and opens it "And the bat-winner is... "WHA?", by VC's Joe Caramagna!!!" Joe walks onstage, and gladly accepts the award from "Batman" "Thank you, I'm a reader of the Dissector, and this is a great honor! Thank's for your votes, and don't take yourselves too seriously!!!"


The announcer says "Let's give it up for Mr. Caramagna, and keep clapping for our next musical number.... THE VILLAGE PEOPLE!!! And not that crappy new line-up, the original ones!!!!"


The whole audience moves to tune of the classic YMCA, and after minutes of frenetic dancing, Uatu walks on stage again. "Our second positive award is presented by... yours truly. I love to watch, and some moments are just to cool. The nominees for Best Moment are:

Peter Parker pwns Kingpin, from Amazing Spider-Man #542.

Superman kills Lex Luthor with a superloogie, from Superman V1 #666.

Matter-Eater Lad shows you why pointing is rude, from (Supergirl And) The Legion Of Super-Heroes V5 #33.

Tek-Knight humps a meteorite, from The Boys #10.

Namor rips off Venom’s tongue, from Sub-Mariner V2 #4 of 6.

Earth Green Lanterns swear their oath, from Green Lantern V4 #24."

Uatu smiles "And the winner is.... Earth Green Lanterns swear their oath!!!"


Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis trot on stage, and accept the award and say in unison "IN BRIGHTEST DAY, IN DARKEST NIGHT.... YEAH BABY!!!!!" and run off stage really happy with their saw-trophy.


The announcer's voice is heard again through the speakers "To introduce our last vote-in award, please welcome the Dissector himself, Grand Admiral MaGnUs, of the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps!!!" Impeccably dressed in Victorian-style British Admiral of the Fleet uniform, only in dark green tones, full of condecorations. Behind him, and to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars, marches an honor guard of the HDSC, with their ceremonial saw-haldberd weapons.


MaGnUs stops marching and the troops arrange themselves in the background of the stage; removing his impeccable white gloves to handle the envelope. "Thank you, thank you all." he says, as the applause dies down. "I'm here to present the last vote-in award, the award to "Best Other Dissection", which includes editors and the like. I've always said, from the start of this mission, when I was the Nitpicker, that editors are always at fault for not spotting the mistakes their creators do. The nominees are...

"THEY SHOT MFK!", from issue #539 of Amazing Spider-Man, by Axel Alonso (editor).

"EVEN THE REST OF HER POWERS ARE INVISIBLE!", from the onef-shot Civil War: Battle Damage Report, by Anthony Flamini (head writer/coordinator) and/or Ronald Byrd (writer), and Michael Hoskin (proofing coordination).

"52 UNIVERSES CERTAINLY ISN'T ENOUGH...", from the DC Nation column from the week of September 24, 2007, by Richard Bruning (DC Creative Director)."

Opening the envelope, MaGnUs reads it "And the winner is... "THEY SHOT MFK!", by Axel Alonso!!! Let's give it up for Axel, who at least admitted to goofing up!!!"


Axel climbs on stage and accepts his award "Don't look for the gaff in the second printing and the trade, because we've fixed it!" As Alonso walks off-stage, the Uatu announces the next presenters "Please don't throw any blunt or bladed objects at our last presenters, Michael Turner and Rob Liefeld!!!"


Rob and Mike walk on stage, as security guards deal with the rowdier members of the crowd. Michael Turner says "We might not know much about anatomy, but we can at least stick to character designs." to which Rob adds "Most of the time, anyway. But there are some character designs that just don't seem to be understood by artist, and that's what the last special award is. The Golden Autopsy Award of 2005-2007 goes to... the many shapes of the X-Men's Beast!!!!"

Uatu walks on stage, as the 10 feet video screen behind the stage projects multiple images of the Beast, and he brushes Rob and Mike aside, climbing behind the lectern.


"Uuuh... we just got word that Joe Quesada, who was supposed to accept this award, is still stuck drawing One More Day, despite the fact that it's already been published. Something a deal with the devil or some other nonsense. So, this concludes our awards ceremony, let's enjoy our last musical number, for which we've reunited Swedish black metal band Dissection, and they'll be playing for us their song Black Dragon! Yes, we had no idea they existed before this ceremony, but come on, they're called Dissection, and look at that song title!!!


The crowd claps as a black leather clad trio takes to the stage, with videos of dragons and gruesome cadaver dissections are shown in the screen behind them. Black metal sound explodes from the speakers, as the crowd slam-dances, including a very drunk and loud trio comprised of Mark Millar, Warren Ellis, and Brian Michael Bendis. Oddly enough, Uatu is nowhere to be seen now. In the background, from a dais, the Grand Admiral of the HDSC surveys all... the awards are done, and it's time to resume the vigil, for NOTHING ESCAPES THE DISSECTOR!!!!