The Dissector #196.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

02/09 "Lightning guns! I shoot those all the time. Sometimes they don't even explode." Atomic Robo, Atomic Robo And The Deadly Art of Science #3.

02/16 "The real John Constantine is a stranger to me. He's a shadow at the end of the street, a pale face at the window. The real John Constantine scares the fucking shit out of me because I've seen what he's capable of." John Constantine, Hellblazer #276.

02/23 "Genius is often little more than the ability to see connections no one else can." Nikola Tesla, Atomic Robo And The Deadly Art of Science #4.

Yeah, I'm late, and still behind. Move along. Still time to vote on the Autopsy Awards, and you can become a fan of the column in the Facebook page. Last column's DT! was cracked by JohnnyDoe, who correctly pointed out that the TARDIS' exterior was too large. One more badge and you make Captain!

The Dissector's Picks Of Week 02/09 are the following: Best Book Of The Week was Atomic Robo And The Deadly Art of Science #3; whenever there's an Atomic Robo book out, it's hard not to choose it as the best book. It's fun, it's witty, it's well written... and it's pulp! Worst Book Of The Week was Superman #708. The art by Eddy Barrows (inks by Mater and Ferreira), and colors by Rod Reis weren’t as bad as previous installment... but the story, man, the story... Chris Roberson does his best to script the JMS train wreck that wastes one issue of the already boring "Superman walks around the USA" arc ramming new/old/different Wonder Woman down our throats. Gawd... Cover Of The Week, by Bill Sienkiewicz, was the only redeeming feature of DC Universe: Legacies #9.

Week 02/16's Best Book was Hellblazer #276. It's no surprise that Peter Milligan understands Hellblazer, and while it's no old school mid-to-late 90s Constantine, it's still good old British blue-collar magic entertainment. Simon Bisley's art, with Brian Buccellato's colors, gives us that make me think of New Wave and Punk album covers and posters. Worst Book was Superman/Batman #81. Remember when this book was good? Cover Of The Week is by Gerald Parel and Dustin Weaver, from S.H.I.E.L.D. #6. The book might be a weird science, revisionist history, look-there-is-Tesla-and-Newton-and-Leonardo-and-Galileo orgy, and it's just a tad short of being unreadable, plot-wise... but it's quite nice, visually.

On week 02/23, I couldn't pick Atomic Robo as best book, because Detective Comics #874 was very good. Scott Snyder wrote an actual detective story (starring Commissioner Gordon), and Francesco Francavilla's full art is just perfect for the tale. Namor: The First Mutant #7 was the Worst Book this week... wake me up when the wandering-through-a-hell-dimension snorefest ends, yes? I want to see underwater battles. Cover Of The Week is from Detective Comics #874, also by Francesco Francavilla. And The Rundown is too long, so it was posted previously. Click on that link to see it; if I included it here it would take up too much space.
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"RED SCARE."

TITLE: Black Terror (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 11-13.

CULPRIT: Adriano Lucas and Vinicius Andrade (colorists).

DISSECTION: Sidney tells us that a character in Black Terror was miscolored for several issues; in "(...) Black Terror #14, it was shown that the lower part of her face, below the line, was colored red, which means that she had been miscolored before."

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars, and a badge for Sidney; who's one badge away from making Commander.
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"NITBUSTER."

TITLE: Blockbusters Of The Marvel Universe (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Jeff Christiansen and Mike O'Sullivan (head writers/coordinators), unspecified writers, one colorist.

DISSECTION: Too many errors to list (ten in total), not as bad as usual, but still... a Marvel handbook. I wasn't even going to give this an entry, it was going to be part of the Rundown; but Sidney sent in two of them, so he gets two badges. Congratulations, Sidney, you've been promoted to Commander!

DISSECT-O-METER: Blanket rating of 7 Bazzars.
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"COLOR ME WRONG."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 195.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: JohnnyDoe was busy, and gets another badge for pointing out that I had credited John Ridgway as a colorist, and he's a penciller. Congratulations, Captain JohnnyDoe.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. it's made worse because it was a DT!, not a regular dissection.
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"FLASH NAME DANCE."

TITLE: The Flash V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Adam Schlagman & Eddie Berganza (editors).

DISSECTION: Sidney gets another badge by telling us the following "The second mistake comes from Flash #9. Richard Zajac did the inking for the issue, but the book switched editors in the middle of production, and the new editor, Adam Schlagman, forgot to credit him. I know this because Richard works at the local comic store."

Sidney, tell Richard I say hi.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"IS THAT A LANTERN IN YOUR POCKET, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?"

TITLE: Green Lantern V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 62.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: Let's not talk about how the badges and rings are the wrong shape, or even change shapes within the same issue. So... remember how I've complained about the "ring... charge... low..." plot device being used too often? How they make a point of showing how when they're in a fight, Green Lanterns don't have their power battery handy to recharge... even though recharging takes a second (they don't actually have to say the oath)?

Traditionally, Green Lanterns have carried their power battery stored inside their ring; since there was always a pocket dimension inside it. Since the Corps came back in force, lead by Geoff Johns creative-wise, they complain about not being able to recharge every now and then. And guess what? In this issue, they talk about the pocket dimension all lantern corps use, and Krona says he discovered it.

You can't keep using the not-able-to-recharge plot device, Geoff and team.

DISSECT-O-METER: N/A, since this is the correct usage. There are, however, numerous art dissections.
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"IDES OF DICTIONARY."

TITLE: Ides Of Blood (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Stuart C. Paul (writer).

DISSECTION: "Proscribing" is forbidding, not mandating.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"WE'VE GOT OUR TOP ANALYSTS WORKING ON THIS!"

TITLE: Iron Man 2.0 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Nick Spencer (writer).

DISSECTION: Iron Man 2.0? Oh, yes, because it's not enough to be "the black Iron Man", now War Machine doesn't even have a book to his name? Now, on to the dissections... the plot goes like this: a scientist/engineer in a top level US military think-tank dies, and suddenly, his inventions show up in the hands of terrorists. But he could have never gotten his designs out of the think-tank because it's got very tight security, and no communications to the outside are allowed.

His scant personal belongings are in a box, and a team of analysts is going through them... but they find no clue. Prominent in a panel is his organ donor card... and nobody thought of checking where his organs went... and how in places where they ended up in transplant recipients, large quantities of materials needed to build his projects are being purchased. Come on, Spencer, in the Marvel Universe, one of several important things you'd look for would be some sort of DNA/organic computer storage in his organs! COME ON!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"SCHEDULED SCANS."

TITLE: Iron Man 2.0 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Nick Spencer (writer).

DISSECTION: Oh, it doesn't end there. War Machine is going through the case with the analysts, and asks if the guy could have been a mutant. Of course he couldn't, the analysts answer, because the Feds seize Cerebro four times a year and do a sweep". Yes, right. The X-Men will allow the government to walk in and do a mutant search four times a year. As if. Haven't you read the countless stories where this exact kind of thing is opposed by the X-Men? Strongly opposed?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. And to boot, pulling a badly-written-Batman, War Machine asks if there was a chance of the guy becoming a ghost, and says he's asking something stupid. Really, when you've fought side by side with Thor, are in a team with Valkyrie, and have faced the supernatural every other week? Please. On top of that, the "War Machine Saga" section at the end of the book refers to "Stark's recent decision" to stop manufacturing weapons. Yeah, recent as of his most earliest appearances as a comic book character...
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"FADED LEGACY."

TITLE: Iron Man Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Damien Lucchese (production), and/or Ralph Macchio (editor) & Charlie Beckerman (assistant editor), and web content employees.

DISSECTION: Marvel Comics includes no creator credits in this issue, except for last name of writer, artist, inker and colorist on the cover... and to make it worse, on the Marvel website credits Tim Bradstreet as writer, penciller, inker, colorist and letterer (Make sure you click on Stories/Iron Man Legacy on the middle of the webpage to see the Bradstreet credits). Tim, you're pulling full duty, and people like Fred Van Lente take the credit! :) (J/K, BTW)

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Tony Stark's eyes are colored brown, and there's an accented letter that's smaller than it should.
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"99 DISSECTIONS AND THIS IS ONE."

TITLE: Justice League Of America/The 99 (DC/Teshkeel).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Fabian Nicieza & Stuart Moore (writers) and/or Tom Derenick (penciller).

DISSECTION: Check this scene out, tell me what you can find... keep in mind that it's something that might be blamed on both writers and penciller, or either... so it's not a badly drawn character, or a spelling error, to name a couple of options that are out.


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Wonder Woman's costume is drawn with some weird shoulder pads, on another note.
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"OH, BROTHER!"

TITLE: Official Handbook Of The Marvel Universe A To Z Update (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Jeff Christiansen and/or Mike O'Sullivan (head writers/coordinators).

DISSECTION: I know this happens in other types of fiction, and in similar ways, but I'm "worried" about it superhero comics, and in a specific kind of situation. I'm not talking about how the characters themselves will perceive these relations, but more from a detached point of view. What am I talking about? Genetically-engineered "siblings".

I'm not talking about clones (an exact copy of a person), but of similar creations. In particular, this question arose from the Marvel character Lyra, who was created by splicing DNA from Thundra and Hulk. While the final result might be similar to what is achieved through in-vitro fertilization; she's not precisely created by fertilizing one of Thundra's eggs with one of Hulk's sperm.

However, Marvel's character profile handbooks, in the usual "known relatives" or "relatives" section lists Hulk as her "father", and Hulk's children Skaar and Hiro-Kala (which he conceived naturally with Caiera) as her "half-brothers", and so on.

Now, I understand the biological reasoning behind considering those relations the same as the ones in a "traditional" family, or even considering people conceived by artificial insemination (if my father donated sperm and I found out I have a sibling from a woman he never even met)... but shouldn't an character profile (which is supposed to be informative) list those relatives with terms such as "genetic father" or "genetic half-brother"? They do list other characters in her extended family with terms such as "step-mother", and in other profiles they use specific designations for adoptive siblings and parents... why not for these relations?

So, while I can't consider branding these characters as "sister" or brother", I can consider an error to make distinctions when it comes to step relations or adoptive relations, but not for this kind of relations.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"SMOKING."

TITLE: Official Handbook Of The Marvel Universe A To Z Update (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Jeff Christiansen and/or Mike O'Sullivan (head writers/coordinators).

DISSECTION: Mesmero's said to occasionally smoke tobacco, which is something that apparently, needs to be listed in the "abilities/accessories" section of his profile... ???

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"MANY CRISES..."

TITLE: Power Girl V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 21.

CULPRIT: Judd Winick (writer).

DISSECTION: The search for missing Kryptonite from before Infinite Crisis called by Ted Kord is shown as "years ago, many crises yet to be faced"... given the kind of timeline in DC comics, even taking into account the "52" year; it can't be that many years ago, it could be as much as three, four stretching it. Yes, they don't use the word "many", but that kind of sentence is meant to be used for something that was a long time ago; and the "many crises" is also a hyperbole.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, the new Rocket Red's hair should be blond, but it's colored brown, and Bruce Wayne's Batman belt is wrong.
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One hundred and three dissections, with an average of 7.7 Bazzars. Wow. Our last high rating was a 7.6 a couple of years ago, and our highest one was 8.1 in column #20. Let's get the Moments Of The Week(s) done with and end this column. From 02/09, Atomic Robo gets his first kiss (back in 1930):


Hmm... metallic tasting! Of course, after learning that his little robot is having a romantic dalliance, Tesla wants to have "the talk" with him:


I laughed out loud. Now, one Moment from 02/16... what will rise in Darwking Duck?


DUCKTHULU!!! And now a few from 02/23, first, Hogun the grim hails a train:


... stops it, more like it. Then, more Robo romantic moments:


That's what happens when you date a robot. Next, what's a good outfit to wear to a funeral? Let's ask Storm, shall we?


Wow, in perfect taste! And from Star Wars: Legacy: Wars...


IT'S TRAP!!! OR MORE THAN ONE!!! And last, what does Dazzler do best?


DISCO, BABY, DISCO! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #193.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"(...) a trip to the zoo? I like to watch the monkeys. Wild screaming, throwing poop... and sometimes the monkeys join in!" Rag Doll, Action Comics #896.

First column of 2011, but last column about 2010 books (barring a straggler or two that I might receive down the line), I hope everybody had a good new year celebration; this column was almost ready last week, but I had some work come up and couldn't finish it. We'll have the Autopsy Awards nominees very soon, so be ready to vote. Last column's DT! was solved by Donald313, who correctly noted that even with comic book science, ice plus fire don't make instantaneous rust.

There wasn't much worth looking at this week, cover-wise, but I had to choose one, so this piece by Jock for Detective Comics #872. Best Book Of The Week was The Flash V3 #8. It didn't blow my head off, but as usual, Geoff Johns tells a solid story, with a compelling origin for the Reverse Flash. While I'd prefer original book artist Francis Manapul in charge of the visuals, Scott Kolins does a good job. Worst Book Of The Week was Justice Society Of America V3 #46... it just reads very disjointed, and the just doesn't cut it for me either.

The Rundown: Action Comics (Catman's eyes are colored wrong), Angel (Angel does not have blue eyes), Astonishing Spider-Man/Wolverine (Adamantium or not, Wolverine cannot cut through a bank vault in one swipe), Batman: The Dark Knight (Croc should be in Arkham, or escaped, not able to say "you got nothing on me", Alfred's eyes should be blue, and the Penguin doesn't look like he does here), Blackest Night (Director's Cut) ("Alexandor" Luthor), Captain America V2 (Nomad's eyes are wrong, then right, and the Black Widow's are wrong), Chaos War: X-Men (Madrox never referred to his power as "cloning power", and Banshee's eyes should be blue), Detective Comics (wrong bat emblem, accented letter), Green Lantern V4 (wrong badge on Hal), Justice League Of America/The 99 (Firestorm's powers have nothing to do with "energy waves" and "isolating and tracking frequencies"), Justice Society Of America V3 (someone ask who Doctor Chaos is after receiving a note... which was anonymous... accented letter too), New Mutants V3 (Karma's eyes shouldn't be blue), Osborn (Norman's eyes shouldn't be brown; and I'll ignore the changes to green...).
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"NOBODY TOLD ME SHIT!"

TITLE: The Avengers V4 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer).

DISSECTION: There is absolutely no way that Reed Richards wouldn't know that Black Bolt is dead. Nova has been on Earth, Hank Pym and his previous Mighty Avengers team have been on Attilan, Reed and other characters have ways of knowing this stuff...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"MOVING."

TITLE: The Avengers V4 (Marvel)

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer).

DISSECTION: why the fuck do the Illuminati go to the Himalayas as "the previous site of Attilan"??!?!?! And why didn't Black Bolt transfer his Infinity Gem to the Moon when they moved there... YEARS AGO?!?!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"JOES CAN'T READ TOO WELL."

TITLE: G.I. Joe (IDW).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Chuck Dixon (writer).

DISSECTION: Dear comic book writers, "physiognomy" does not mean the same as "physiology" or "anatomy". In case you're too lazy to click on links or crack open a fucking dictionary, here are the definitions of "physiognomy":

1. the face or countenance, esp. when considered as an index to the character: a fierce physiognomy.
2. Also called anthroposcopy. the art of determining character or personal characteristics from the form or features of the body, esp. of the face.
3. the outward appearance of anything, taken as offering some insight into its character: the physiognomy of a nation.

It is not, I repeat, NOT, a word that you can use to refer to mutant physiology/anatomy (like I dissected before on an X-Men book), nor a word you can use to refer to the digitized information of a person's body for teleportation... WORDS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!! THEY LIVE INSIDE DICTIONARIES!!! AND NOW, THEY'RE EVEN INSIDE THE INTERNET!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, "rojo bandidos" is not a correct expression in Spanish. Even using the Google translator would have given you the correct way to write it, Dixon.
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"HEROIC AGE: HANDBOOK FUCK UPS ARE STILL IN SEASON!"

TITLE: Heroic Age: Heroes (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator).

DISSECTION: I don't even know how to start, or rather how to quantify the dissections in this book. This is a profiles handbook, and, for some reason, perhaps due to being written in-universe by Steve Rogers, the usual Marvel Handbook power meters are not used. Instead, a power grid consisting of the following attributes is used: power, conscience, altruism, wisdom, courage, determination, free will, and vulnerability (in a scale from 1 to 10).

Apparently, Hoskin and his writers have no idea what many of these words mean... apart from some other minor dissections, look at how some characters are measured according to those attributes:

• Beast has an altruism of 9, while Angel, Reed Richards, Mockingbird, NAMORA, COLLECTIVE MAN, RADIOACTIVE MAN, Thor, Longshot, and JIMMY WOO have 10??!?!?!?!?!?
• Wolverine has a 5 altruism? Toro (the new bull-mutated kid, not the WWII Kid Torch) has a 7?
• Paladin (a mercenary) has an altruism of 7, same as Northstar, and more than Moon Knight? And Elixir, a healer gets 5?
• A-Bomb has a power of 8, while Angel has a 7, and American Eagle an 8. In what world are those characters of comparable power?

Vulnerability seems to be a mixture of physical and mental/emotional vulnerability, and even if you mix up the words "vulnerability" "invulnerability", switching the ends of the spectrum, it's still very fucked up:

• A-Bomb and American Eagle have the same rating, 8; and Angel a 6... making Angel less vulnerable than those two? Or only two points more vulnerable?
• Asgardians as a race have a vulnerability of 6. The same as Angel and Luke Cage.
• Captain Britain has a vulnerability of 2... if it's a physical attribute, he's not that resistant, if it's a mental/emotional attribute, his insecurities are not reflected.
• Despite his looks, the Thing is one of the most mentally stable characters in the whole Marvel universe, not to mention one of the most powerful, physically speaking. Then why does he get a vulnerability rating of 6?
• Darwin, one of the most unbalancedly powerful characters in the X-teams, has a vulnerability of 5, when he's basically indestructible?

This is delicate... Normally, a detail like this wouldn't score too high; but because this is a handbook, the attributes in the power grid are a basic part of the book. Furthermore, it's done by Steve Rogers, who's one of the better judges of character and tactical minds in the Marvel universe, so these fucked up ratings make him look like an idiot. So, what I'm going to do, is register two 10 Bazzars dissections for how horrible used the "altruism" and "vulnerability" attributes are used; and a 8 Bazzars dissection for the A-Bomb/American Eagle/Angel power levels (most other power levels in the book are basically accurate). Then I will "award" several, lower-rated dissections for the internal inconsistencies of the ratings, and the other, non-power grid dissections.

DISSECT-O-METER: Variable.
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"HEROIC AGE: BEST OF THE REST."

TITLE: Heroic Age: Heroes (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator).

DISSECTION: Just so you know what they were, here's a detailed look at the non-power grid dissections in this book:

• Bengal can't have his origin tied to the Vietnam war anymore, it's not the 80s.
• "1941on" instead of "1941 on", Black Widow's profile.
• Random "TO", like that, in capital letters, in Cyclops profile between paragraphs.
• "Presidential Medal of Freedom" is all in lower case.
• "Helmet" Zemo.
• It's "The Intelligencia", not "The Intel".

DISSECT-O-METER: Variable.
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"OH. MY. GAWD! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!"

TITLE: Heroic Age: Heroes (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator).

DISSECTION: This one was going to be part of the previous list, but it's too outrageous not to stand on its own. Steve Rogers, a 1941 super soldier who was frozen and lives today, fighting along high-tech armored technologists, sorcerers, gods, and super-powerful mutants and metahumans of all kinds, not to mention aliens, robots and random immortals, thinks that it "sounds impossible" that the current Dog Brother #1 was an orphan boy in 1841 Hong Kong. Yeah. Right.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. You don't even have to be an actual writer and understand the Steve Rogers character to realize that saying something like that within the context of the Marvel universe is just plain ridiculous.
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"UNDECIDED."

TITLE: Heroic Age: Villains (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator).

DISSECTION: This book didn't have power or other ratings such as the Heroes one, so it wasn't that badly flawed. Still, there were some errors (there's a list in the next dissection), the worst one being Steve Rogers writing about Baron Zemo (Helmut, not Helmet :) that he's not sure if he's a hero or a villain. I don't care if this Zemo has done some good, how can Steve write "I can't tell whose side he is on other than he's own. (...) the humanitarian within himself (...) I've thought long and hard about which area he should be filed, be it heroic or villainous (...)"... Really? You need to ask, Steve?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"VILLAINS: LISTED."

TITLE: Heroic Age: Villains (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator).

DISSECTION: A list of small writing and editing mistakes:

• The word "headache" should not start with a capital "H".
• Cutthroat's relationship to his sister, and how much Steve respects the latter takes up most of the villain's entry, but they never mention his real name, or who his sister is (Diamondback). In fact, since these are not actual profiles but more like Steve's notes on each character or organization, unless he mentions it in the text, you don't have each character's real name. It's not something that's needed for most entries, but in this case, the text should have included who his sister is.
• The Kingpin entry includes comments about Matt Murdock using his abilities as a lawyer to make sure he goes to jail... but the Hand entry in the same book talks about Matt being out of control as leader of the ninja cult. Lack of internal consistency...
• Norman Osborn was not made head of S.H.I.E.L.D., that agency was disbanded and a new agency, US-only, H.A.M.M.E.R., was created.
• Daimon "Hellstrrm".

DISSECT-O-METER: Various.
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"GASP FROM THE PAST."

TITLE: JLA V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 57.

CULPRIT: Mark Waid (writer).

DISSECTION: This one's too easy:


DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"UNDERWATER PAST II."

TITLE: Namor: The First Mutant (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Stuart Moore (writer).

DISSECTION: So, the X-Men's Loa is the grand-niece of a woman Namor dated in the 40s. It's 2010, and Loa's father seems to be, at most, in his mid-40s (and I'm being generous), while she's 15-16. Loa's father is present when Namor last visits his girl in 1947, a newborn baby... which would make him 60. Yeah... um... no. While it could be possible, the guy, a normal human, looks like he's a 20-something.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Namor should have grey eyes, not blue, and he wasn't wearing that costume a couple of years ago when Loa's powers manifested.
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"THE TIMELINE IS BROKEN."

TITLE: S.H.I.E.L.D. (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Jonathan Hickman (writer).

DISSECTION: Nathaniel Richards (father of Reed Richards) abandons his family and Howard Stark (Tony Stark's father) fakes his death, both to better pursue their mission as members of the Brotherhood of the Shield... in 1951. So, assuming Reed and Tony are 12 and 10... they're in their sixties now? (And I'm being generous, since Tony was a teenager when he was left legally orphaned, and Reed's father disappeared only three years before the FF got their powers.)

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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2010 ends with an average of 6.4 Bazzars in 58 dissections (or at least, the last week of comics ends like that). Let's go with the Moments Of The Week, shall we? First up, Norman Osborn is almost free again, and he has a new posse:


Be scared... very scared. Next, what's up with Colossus costume?


Ass cleavage, really? And watch out:


Spidey has been replaced by a Xenomorph!!! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #190.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"When I dedicated my life in service to you as Sorcerer Supreme... I remember I closed my eyes and I prayed that one day I would grow up to be a second-rate Jarvis for a second-rate pile of Avengers." Wong, New Avengers V2 #7.

Late, late, late... I know; but here we are with one of the last columns of the year (there will be possibly one more, maximum two), and one of the last before the last comics of the year are published. These, in particular, were released on 12/08. Last column's DT was cracked by Donald313, who pointed out that Aquaman is not half-human, but half-Atlantean, half-Atlantean wizard/demigod. Reader Darryn asked Dan DiDio on Facebook, and DiDio vaguely replied "roll with it". That's not really a confirmation of a retcon to pre-Crisis Aquaman (which is stupid, and makes him more of a Namor knock off); just a FB comment... in last week's issue of Brightest Day, Aquaman mentions Tom Curry as his father; but he doesn't specifically say he's his biological father... until it's explicitly mentioned in a comic, I won't consider it valid. And when it is, I'm still not retracting, because it wasn't done properly beforehand. Yeah, it's my column. Oh, Badge for Donald!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week weren't spectacularly bad or good... Best Book Of The Week was Booster Gold V2 #39; good read, nice art, but filler. Worst Book Of The Week was Stargate: Daniel Jackson #4, last issue of a mini that had very weak art, and a story that could have been told in a one-shot. And then there's the Cover Of The Week, a nice piece by Marko Djurdjevic for one of the many (unnecessary) Chaos War tie-ins.

The Rundown: B.P.R.D. V2 (series numbering), Booster Gold V2 (eye and hair colors), Chaos War: Ares ("banish this place"?), DC Universe Holiday Special 2010 (wonky phrasing in the Anthro story at one point, John Stewart couldn't have likely patrolled Baghdad, Batman is very well known and recognized as a hero and not a mysterious vigilante like its implied in the Superman story, Supes refers to all heroes as "metahumans", in the Spectre story a speech balloon is misplaced, and in the Legion story, Abnett and Lanning mention stargates, which are not in use in the current LSH continuity), Detective Comics (Dick Grayson's costume is all wrong, emblem, gloves, and belt; in the backup story, Renee's eyes are colored incorrectly), Invaders Now! (accented letter), Justice League: Generation Lost (Fire's hair is inexplicably red in a panel), Namor: The First Mutant (Namor's ankle wings are ginormous on the cover, his eyes are miscolored inside, and the logomancer is still Caucasian colored, with no comment from any character, when they keep reminding Namor, their king, that he's a half-breed), New Avengers V2 (inconsistent lettering on credits and coming attractions page, Victoria Hand's eyes are colored incorrectly, and Danielle Cage is too young and doesn't look like she should), Northlanders (accented letter, and "Commonweath"), R.E.B.E.L.S. (Soranik Natu, John Stewart, and Ganthet have blank eyes at points, John's badge is wrong on the cover, "alternativeto", "forece", Soranik and Kyle should have green boots, not white... and not a dissection, but if John is now a Honor Guard Lantern, who's 2814.2?), Red Robin ("unlimted"), Shadowland: After The Fall ("isn't the Black Panther some sort of African hero?" Come on!!! He was until very recently king of a prominent country, had a celebrity wedding, and has been an Avenger!), What If? Wolverine: Father (Daken's mother is gutted by Wolverine to extract the baby, but there's no sign of blood or anything on the woman's clothes), Widowmaker (shinobi-zu, not zue; accented letter, and what are the Supreme Soviets doing there, and talking about Siberian work camps without anyone commenting on that?).
<-------------------------------->
"DISSECTOR DISSECTED."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 189.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: JohnnyDoe pointed out that I spelled his name incorrectly as "JhonnyDoe" last week; and he also noticed I wrote "wich" instead of "which". Two badges for Johnny. Then Donald313 noticed I used "obviously" instead of "obvious", "not" instead of "note", and "reverses" instead of "reverse". Three badges more for Don, which are more than enough to make him achieve the rank of Captain in the HDSC! Glückwunschs, Kapitän!

DISSECT-O-METER: Various ratings.
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"IT'S BACK IN FASHION."

TITLE: The Flash V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: Really, the boomerang was popularized in the US when Barry Allen was first active as The Flash? Barry was active in the late 60s?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, why are guards in Iron Heights Penitentiary wearing full body riot armors... with no neck protection at all?
<-------------------------------->
"OHOTMU DISSECTION UPDATE."

TITLE: Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe A to Z: Update (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Jeff Christiansen & Mike O'Sullivan (coordinators, according to my reader).

DISSECTION: Sidney points out three errors in this issue:

* "De tainment quadrant" in the Beetle's Armor entry.

* "as wellas"in the Marvel Apes entry.

* In Boomerang's (Fred Myers) entry, he was referred to as "Mort" once instead of Myers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars on each of the spacing issues, 6 Bazzars on the name issue.
<-------------------------------->
"PROJECT: X-MAS."

TITLE: Project Superpowers X-Mas Carol (Dynamite).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Brandon Jerwa (writer) and/or Patrick Berkenkotter (penciller).

DISSECTION: Another dissection spotted by Sidney. The spirit of the Fighting Yank is talking about members of the Supremacy that are still at large, with symbolic pictures of them behind them. However, three of them, President West, Dynamic Man, and Dynamic Woman, quit the Supremacy and joined the heroes a while ago in the second volume of Project Superpowers. Then again, continuity has never been that good in the PS books.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OLD ANNUAL DISSECTION."

TITLE: X-Men V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: Annual "#1" (2007).

CULPRIT: Mike Carey (writer).

DISSECTION: Sometimes I don't understand the numbering changes... this volume of X-Men (the one that's now X-Men Legacy, but will eventually be combined with the current X-Men when they reach a significant numbering...) had three annuals (1992, 1993, and 1994), numbered one through three... then why number this one as #1? It'd make sense if it was a different volume (as the annuals from when Uncanny was merely X-Men), but it's the same volume...

Anyway, here's a DT!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FOREVER WAVING FLAG."

TITLE: X-Men Forever 2 (Marvel)

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: Rodney Buchemi (penciller).

DISSECTION: At first I thought this was a MOT, because I thought the Uruguayan flag was among the member flags seen outside UN HQ (even though the blue is too light a shade)... but then I noticed that since the first stripe is blue; it can't be Uruguay's, which has as white for its first stripe. It might be the Greek flag, although the blue stripes should be darker too. The blue on Uruguay's flag is darker than the one on the Greek one, which in turn is a shade or two darker than the Argentinian flag; although due to the Uruguayan national football team's jersey being a light blue like the Argentinian flag has, people here insist on using a light blue shade for the flag sometimes...

Oh, sorry, that whole rant had nothing to do with the dissection... in which flags, including recognizable country ones (like Ireland, Spain or Germany) are flow in a random order by artist Buchemi, when flags outside the UN HQ are flown in English alphabetical order, north to south. Even with fictitious Marvel countries possibly there, anyone can tell it's wrong.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Angel is said to be a Chicago native, when he's from Centerport (Long Island, New York), and an accented letter is wrong.
<-------------------------------->
This leaves us with a predictably low 5.5 Bazzars average in fifty-seven dissections. Now, let's end this with the (just two) Moments Of The Week. First up, Booster tells Captain Atom how's it gonna be:


And as a finale, something that made me laugh:

That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #189.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Volstagg the Magnified will not suffer the claws nor yellow fangs nor crude weapons of filthy trolls! No numbers are great enough to overthrow me! Am i not the acknowledged paragon of martial virtue? Am I not the most celebrated paladin of the realm eternal? Do you know why the vast river Vaskrundr flows past the South face of Vindrbjarg Mountain in far Alfheim? Because Volstagg got tired of seeing it flow past the North face of Vindrbjarg Mountain! I barked but once and it obeyed me with fear and trembling! Now, doesn't that frost your breeches?" Volstagg The Voluminous, while slaying trolls, Warriors Three #2.

That's some quote. Get the full action in the Moments Of The Week. Let's get started, then... this is a column for books published on 12/02; as usual, there might be a few stragglers. Last week's DT! was cracked by JhonnyDoe (badge for him)... it was obviously that Hobgoblin is a very well known villain in the Marvel universe; so there's no way nobody recognized him or got a hit in metahuman databases. On another not, I need to retract from the dissections I made last week (in The Rundown) on X-Men: Phoenix Force Handbook. Turns out the character I thought had been wrongly named "Bran Braddock" was actually named "Bran", and that when I saw "Corps", instead of "Captain Britain Corps", that was right, because both names are common; since not all members are codenamed Captain Britain, despite most being Brian Braddock's alternate versions, or their replacements.

Here are The Dissector's Picks Of The Week. Best Book Of The Week was Captain America: Patriot #4. Just a great end to a very good mini... that's all. Congrats to Karl Kesel, Mitch Breitweiser, Bettie Breitweiser, and all the rest of the team. Worst Book Of The Week was almost Action Comics Annual #13... the whole retcon of Lex Luthor getting where he got because he got Apokolips tech and worked for Darkseid as a young man; or studying under Ra's al Ghul, dying and getting raised in a Lazarus Pit... this is almost as bad as that retcon a few years back where Thomas Wayne visits Krypton before its destruction, and all of Wayne Enterprises success (or at least, its resurgence since it apparently was at a low point never mentioned before) comes from Thomas Wayne (who was a medical doctor) single-handledly reverses-engineering Kryptonian technology. But no, this book at least was readable, and it had good art... two things not shared by the actual Worst Book Of The Week, JSA All-Stars #13. Not only it focuses on the less interesting members of the JSA (and is one of the most shameless spin-offs ever); but while it tells a Cyclone story, it shows the rest of the team on some space mission... but it looks like there's a lot of pages missing; as the space mission progresses from battling some sort of sandworm into being captured by aliens with no explanation how it happens... not even "meanwhile, in space" note or something like that. To boot, the art looks like this, and Howard Porter inches closely to an Autopsy Award that features bloody stumps and blunt crayolas... Oh, and there's the Cover Of The Week, by Matthew Clark and Guy Major, from Doom Patrol #17... nice, isn't it? Of course, roadkill would also look nice next to Porter's art in All-Stars, but this is actually a nice cover.

The Rundown: Chaos War: God Squad (Amadeus Cho's eyes shouldn't be blue), Doom Patrol V5 (Rita Farr's eyes shouldn't be green), Generation Hope (Wolverine's eyes are brown first, then blue), Warriors Three (an accented letter is smaller than it should be, but all others are the right size, Volstagg's eyes are first brown, then the correct blue, and Reed Richards' eyes should be brown), Women Of Marvel (Valeria and Franklin Richards should not look the same age, Reed Richard's eyes should be brown, Shanna's story shouldn't be set in 1956, and she shouldn't have superstrength).
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"HE'S SO INVISIBLE, WE DON'T NOTICE WHICH OF THE TWO HE IS HALF OF THE TIME."

TITLE: Adventure Comics V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 520.

CULPRIT: Paul Levitz (writer).

DISSECTION: Roy, one of my loyal readers, and member of the HDSC, noticed that in October's issue, Levitz labels (in the small info boxes) Invisible Kid as Jacques Foccart, the second Invisible Kid; when this is obviously the first one, Lyle Norg (due to this being a story set in the Legion's beginnings, and the fact that Norg was white and Foccart is black).

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Badge for Lieutenant Roy.
<-------------------------------->
"WHITE STAR."

TITLE: Adventure Comics V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 521.

CULPRIT: Hi-Fi (colorist).

DISSECTION: Dawnstar is descended from Native Americans... she is not fair-skinned like Caucasians, and she does not have blue eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Twice. Get a fucking grip on the characters you are working on. Also, her powers are listed just as "long-range tracking", when she can fly and survive in space on her own. Mon-El's powers are also incomplete.
<-------------------------------->
"DISSECTION IN MARS."

TITLE: Brightest Day (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns & Peter J. Tomasi (writers).

DISSECTION: This should be an easy one. Check out (old) Batman talking about getting old and his JLA friends:


DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"CHAOS ATE MY CREDITS."

TITLE: Chaos War: Alpha Flight (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Mark Paniccia (editor).

DISSECTION: Yeah.... THERE ARE NO DETAILED CREDITS IN THE WHOLE ISSUE!!! Just last names of writer, penciller, inker, and colorist on the cover... Tom Brevoort says it was a goof-up at Mark Panniccia's office; and since I don't know wich assistant editor, associated editor, or production assistant was involved, I blame solely Paniccia.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Aurora is called "Jean-Marie" instead of "Jeanne-Marie".
<-------------------------------->
"NOTHING THE DISSECTO."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 188.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I should have Donald313 read my columns before I post them. I missed a word in one dissection and a letter in a Moment. Two badges for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars for the word, 1 for the letter.
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"JSA NO-STARS."

TITLE: JSA All-Stars (DC).

ISSUE: 13.

CULPRIT: Matthew Sturges (writer).

DISSECTION: As mentioned before, the outer space mission team is horribly told, not just badly written, but downright missing pages.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Not to mention several art and coloring mistakes, including Cyclone's costume.
<-------------------------------->
Only 7.1 Bazzars in twenty-six dissections, higher than usual, but lower than I thought with all those tens. Now, Moments Of The Week. First up, Quislet is passed up for a Green Lantern ring:


Come on, stupid Dyogene doesn't even acknowledge Quislet? Or maybe Levitz knows that if he makes Quislet a GL, I'll die of fanboyness... Who gets the ring?


Mon-El, proving that he can never run out of horrible costumes... White boots, Mon? And over at Buffy, who buys the farm?


Giles! I guess it's not going to be permanent, but still... shocking scene... if only Dark Horse had better artists working this book. Over at another licensed property, how do you ease your fears?


Well, if you're Monterey Jack, this way! And as a finale, the fight scene from where this week's quote came from:


Hah! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #188.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"But it's World War Two! I want to beat up Nazis!" Booster Gold, protesting the unfairness of time travel, Booster Gold V2 #38.

This should be the column for comics released on 11/24; but I haven't received many of those books yet because of Thanksgiving, and I've read some past date, but recent books, recent enough to include them in this column instead of sending them to the Vault. I also didn't want to lag too much behind, to have this column run too late; since I have gotten, and read, most of my books for the first week of December.

Before going into the column proper, I want to remind you that the 2010 Autopsy Awards are coming up; and sometime within the first two weeks of January you'll have the nominees to vote for. But I want you to send me some suggestions for special awards. As you might now (and if you don't, you can read the first, second, and third editions of the awards), some awards are selected by reader votes from several nominations I select from the year's columns; such as Best Writing Dissection, Best Art Dissection, Best Quote, or Best Cover. Then there are awards that are given based solely on number of dissections, like Company With Most Dissections, Most Dissected Writer, or Single Issue With Most Dissections.

But there are also special awards, given for specific circumstances, for merit or lack of it. For example, I will probably select myself things like Breakout Book Of The Year, or Best Character Of The Year; but I will accept suggestions for awards that I might not think of myself; or even within categories used in previous years. For example, in the first awards, Cyclone (from the JSA) won an award for not having her costume depicted correctly in any of her appearances after her first one. That award has gone one to be called the "Cyclone Fashion Award To The Most Mutable Costume", and was won by Una in the second edition of the awards, and was expanded in the following edition to cover any character alteration, going to Norman Osborn's eyes, for changing contacts all the time (basically EVERY Marvel book during Secret Invasion and Dark Reign).

Then, within the same special awards, we have stuff like the "Creator That I'm Sorry I Have To Dissect Award", for people whose sheer volume of work makes it likely they slip up and I notice it, but they obviously very much care about their work, and on top of that, are nice people. Or the "Bloody Stumps With Blunt Crayolas Award", for underachievement in art; or the "Worst Character Depiction Although You Obviously Have Talent Award" for instances in which it's readily noticeable that an artist has a lot of talent, but (for example) decides to make Beast look like a humanoid goat, for example. And finally, there's the "Golden Bonesaw Award", for catastrophic underachievement, taken home in 2007 by Marvel for the many shapes of Beast, in 2008 by the Blue Beetle issue in Spanish, and in 2009 by IDW and their Zorro book for their year-long raping of the Spanish language. I will probably choose this one myself, but I welcome suggestions too. You can e-mail me at lordmagnusen (at) gmail (dot) com, or leave comments in upcoming columns.

Okay then, let's get on with the column itself, with last column's DT!. It was solved by Donald313; who noticed (after several tries) that the editor's note referred to "Superman #84", without specifying that it was Superman V2, not V1 (which was from 1953). Badge for Donald. I'll get the Dissector's Picks Of The Week out of the way quickly... Best Book Of The Week was The Amazing Spider-Man #649. While Humberto Ramos' art is not my favorite, it fits Spider-Man, and Dan Slott has a good handle on Peter and his cast. Worst Book Of The Week was Batman And Robin #17, with Paul Cornell's writing being a poor follow-up to what was Grant Morrison's best contribution to the current Batman books; and Scott McDaniel's blocky, cartoony art not being a good fit for the look this title had up to now. While I'm at it, check out the cover of the week; is from Avengers Vs. Pet Avengers #2, and by Ig Guara and (I believe colors are his) Chris Sotomayor. I love how Lockheed is all defiant and in Fing Fang Foom's face.

The Rundown: Action Comics (Scandal Savage's eyes are colored incorrectly), Angel (Connor's eyes should be blue, not green), Chaos War: Chaos King (Reed Richard's eyes shouldn't be blue), Chaos War: Dead Avengers (Deathcry refers to people as "hairy mammals", when she's been drawn very hairy, instead of "feathery", since she is a Shi'ar; Swordsman couldn't have been in Vietnam right after the war, two cedillas are the wrong size, and Swordsman's eyes change color), G.I. Combat V2 (accented letter), G.I. Joe: Future Noir Special (accented letter), Hercules: Twilight Of A God (Galactus' original name is "Galan", not "Galen"), Ides Of Blood ("he gods" instead of "the gods"), Jurassic Park (wrong Spanish, a word balloon is cut off, there's no way a normal person can knock someone out with a piece of amber thrown at the head, and Ludlow was Hammond's nephew, not his niece's husband), Our Army At War V2 ("solider" instead of "soldier"), Secret Avengers (a small cedilla), Shadowland: Power Man (small "ñ"), Taskmaster V2 (translated German inside brackets still in German, accented letters), Uncanny X-Force (Rachel Summer's hair in one photo is colored wrong, Psylocke's eyes are wrong), Welcome To Tranquility: One Foot In The Grave ("my" instead of "by"), X-Men: Phoenix Force Handbook ("Corps" instead of "Captain Britain Corps", and "Bran" Braddock).
<-------------------------------->
"BIG SECOND TIME DISSECTION."

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 649.

CULPRIT: Dan Slott (writer).

DISSECTION: Come on, work on this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"LEGACY OF TIMELESNESS."

TITLE: DC Universe Legacies (DC).

ISSUE: 07 of 12.

CULPRIT: Len Wein (writer).

DISSECTION: Oh, so the guy who was alive in the 1940s is about 40 when Barbara Gordon was shot by the Joker? And when Superman fought Doomsday? And when Batman was broken by Bane? Yeah, sure.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, John Stewart's fully becoming Green Lantern and Bane breaking Batman were not at the same time; Bane did not break Batman in public; Jean-Paul Valley never wore a regular batman costume with his clawed, spike shooting gloves; and who in their sane mind would send two detectives to shoot at Doomsday when he's fighting Superman's in downtown Metropolis; after it was plain obvious that no conventional weapons affected him?
<-------------------------------->
"I CARRY A BADGE."

TITLE: Detective Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 871.

CULPRIT: Scott Snyder (writer) and/or Francesco Francavilla (penciller).

DISSECTION: Commissioner Gordon has his badges on a "Father's Day" display Barbara gave him; and he has (last to first) his Commissioner badge, his Captain one, his Detective Lieutenant shield, all of those from Gotham, and then his Chicago Detective and Officer badges... but he should have a GCPD badge as his first one, because he started out as a cop in Gotham, and then was transferred to Chicago because he messed with Gotham's corrupt cops. In fact, recent stories have shown that to be still in continuity.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Maybe Babs didn't want to remind him of that first part of his career.
<-------------------------------->
"ACTUALLY DISSECTION."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 186.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Donald313 noticed I wrote "but the character is actually lawyer". Another badge for Don.

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar.
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"99 PROBLEMS BUT A BURQUA AIN'T ONE."

TITLE: Justice League Of America/The 99 (DC/Teshkeel).

ISSUE: 02 of 06.

CULPRIT: Fabian Nicieza & Stuart Moore (writers).

DISSECTION: Why is Doctor Light complaining about feeling useless while the Atom, Flash, and two members of The 99 are performing a medical examination on another 99 member? She's a medical doctor, among many specialties, and one of the DCU's foremost experts in metahuman biology (along with Dr. Mid-Nite); she should be leading the procedure. It gets even more ridiculous when Barry Allen starts "performing incisions"... he's a scientist, but he's not a surgeon by any stretch.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Also, on the first issue, during the fight with the new Madmen, a giant cork appears out of nowhere...
<-------------------------------->
"JUSTICE IS GERMAN FOR GERECHTIGKEIT."

TITLE: Justice Society Of America V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 45.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: "Scythe" is not, and will never be "German for 'Drachen'"; for a couple of reasons. First, "scythe" is not a German word, the German word for "scythe" is "Sense". Second, "Drachen" is a word in German, it is the plural for "Drache", which means "dragon". What the heck was Guggenheim trying to say here?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TO PERPETUATED."

TITLE: New Mutants V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Jake Thomas (assistant editor), Daniel Ketchum (associate editor), Nick Lowe (editor).

DISSECTION: The cover bills this as the conclusion to the current story arc, but there seems to be one issue more to go, and the issue ends with "to be continued". What the...?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, there's an accented letter that's too small.
<-------------------------------->
"ULTIMATE SUPER FUCK UP."

TITLE: Ultimate Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 150.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer), many others.

DISSECTION: So, they took up the numbering from the previous volume, that's good. This celebratory issue a long original story, or rather stories, as they were vignettes joined by an overarching topic, and it was a good read. Then there's the reprint of the 60-page Ultimate Spider-Man Super Special; from 2002.

While there are a couple of minor errors in the new stories; the real problem is with the reprint. It's pointless, and its pointlessness worsens the impact of the errors it contains. Now, this is from the early years of the Ultimate line, and some things are forgivable, such as the Black Widow being considered a hero (she didn't become a traitor until much later); or the more shocking fact that Reed Richards is shown to be a middle-aged man, and married to Sue; and an image of the classic, even Kirby-esque Fantastic Four. Yes, the Ultimate Fantastic Four weren't actually introduced until later (2004), so in the original context, this was forgivable, but it's blatantly ridiculous as a reprint. Still, I cannot count these details in a reprint (despite no note beyond a title in the credit page with the name indicating it's an old story) as dissections, it wouldn't be fair. But I do question the intelligence on reprinting something as part of a current continuity book (making up most of the issue, not just a small backup story), when it flies in the face of what was later established.

What I can do is focus on all the fuck ups that were committed in that special that were wrong at the moment it was published (and I wasn't doing the column). Elektra's sai shouldn't draw blood from Peter's hand gripping the shaft (SAI DO NOT HAVE EDGES OR POINTY-POINTS), Elektra's feet are clad in red booties, and in one panel one foot is flesh colored; the Thing is given brown eyes, one portrayal of Nick Fury shows his Ultimate version but another one shows him as the 616 white man; a dialogue says "haveto", and Gwen Stacy's eyes are colored incorrectly.

But the worse fuck ups are in the framing sequence for the special's story. A teacher (a white, elderly lady) tells Peter's class (which in that scene consists of like seven students) that they have to do an oral presentation choosing a superhero or a villain, telling something about themselves as that hero, etc, etc, etc. Before that, Peter struggles with his role as a hero, and after the assignment is given, he describes what defines heroes; and different artists draw each scene (hence the two different Nick Furies, or the two different depictions of the FF).

But before Peter gives his presentation; we go back to the school (now it looks like a regular-sized class) and we see Kong (one of Ultimate Peter's classmates) giving his own presentation about the Punisher... and he's criticized by Gwen for choosing Frank Castle, who's a homicidal maniac... something the teacher supports; saying that the Punisher is not a hero. Problem is, the assignment is given as "good or bad guy"; so Kong's selection was not wrong. Oh, and you know what the other problem is? THE TEACHER IS NOW A YOUNG BLACK WOMAN!!!!!!

I'm willing to give the change of teacher a low rating, first because both scenes are done by different artists and it's not their fault (but Bendis or the editor should have made sure there was a description of the teacher on both script pages), and because maybe, just maybe, the assignment could be received by a different teacher (substitutes, etc). Still, failing Kong on his presentation because he chose the Punisher is not an acceptable plot twist, because Bendis is writing the whole story himself, and even if the teacher is different and she misunderstood the original assignment, students in the classroom or Kong himself should have said so. You know what I call this? Sloppiness. They churned out a Special in 2002 to cash in, and reprinted the piece of crap in this book to make it thicker and charge more; when it adds absolutely nothing to the current storyline or the anniversary.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars for the writing error, various lower ratings for the rest.
<-------------------------------->
"FULL BRAIN MORONS."

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 530.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: A virus is affecting mutants, and Dr. Kavita Rao says that those mutants with "full body physiognomies" are the ones who are suffering the worst. You probably meant "physiologies", Matt, as in "physiology", the science that studies the functioning of a living organism; and is commonly used to refer to the living organism as a system. "Physiognomy" means "the assessment of a person's character or personality from their outer appearance, especially the face". Quite different, isn't it?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FLAMING."

TITLE: X-Men Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 242.

CULPRIT: Mike Carey (writer) and/or Paul Davidson (penciller).

DISSECTION: Why the fuck does a baseball thrown by Anole become a flaming curveball? He doesn't have the strength for something like that, even if it made sense, and this is not a cartoony story...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, Psylocke's start out wrong and change color to the right one, while Magneto's alias is written "Eric Lensherr", when it should be "Erik Lehnsherr".
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Just 6.4 Bazzars as an average in fifty-eight dissections? Lower than I expected... the four 10-point dissections didn't factor as much as I expected them to, but it's logical when they're less than seven percent of the total dissections. Alright then, Moments Of The Week, the few and the proud. First up, who said scientists didn't have poetry in their souls?


You show them, Dr. Honeydew! And now, the ultimate minion:


REDSHIRT!!! Bwa-hah-hah!!! And for a finale, something that's definitely a tail to a tale; and en to a... well, see for yourself:


Dazzler is kind enough as to wear a costume that points to her... well... yeah. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #183.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"You can see why he gives us so much pleasure. All that arcane knowledge in the hands of a self-destructive fuck-up. It makes for wonderful viewing." Nergal, about John Constantine, Hellblazer #272.

Hello all! This is the fifth anniversary column of The Dissector!!! Formerly known as The Nitpicker's Column, it was first published in issue #549 of the Comic Book Electronic Network Magazine, on 11/11/05. It's been five years in which a lot has happened to me, including a new job (not long after starting the column); my son was already a year old back then, but he's obviously grown up a lot. I'm older, my hair's greyer, and I'm fatter... I might be wiser too, but I doubt it.

Culprits in that first column were Haden Blackman (writer of a Rogue Squadron mini), Warren Elis (writer for JLA Declassified), Greg Rucka (writer, for Queen & Country), Brian Michael Bendis (writer for Hous Of M), Jeromy Cox & Guy Major (colorists, for Infinite Crisis), Phil Jimenez (artist, for Infinite Crisis), and Nick J. Napolitano (letterer, for Infinite Crisis). Jimenez and Napolitano don't come around much, and Blackman hasn't been on the column again, basically because he's mostly written Clone Wars Adventures, Jango Fett, and other Star Wars stuff from characters and eras I don't care about... however, he did write the comic for The Force Unleashed, in which, apart from considering it lame, I didn't find any errors in... and I have The Force Unleashed II in a reading pile... so... you never know.

Bendis has come back regularly, but rarely for anything too big, and Rucka has been around less, but no horrible mistakes either. Major is one of the most prolific colorists around, so he obviously pops up here and there; like anyone else who publishes that much work. Jeromy Cox, however... well, he's responsible for the Robin cape-debacle, one of my favorite dissections of all time, as early as column #2, and he's often featured in the column for getting like, not one eye color in an issue right.

Funny thing? I quote myself from that column when explaining the layout and working of the column "(...) the main responsible for the mistake is, usually the writer, sometimes the artist, and, rarely, somebody else, like a letterer or colorist (...)". Yeah, rarely the letterer or colorist... boy, was I naive of what? Read that first column, and tell me if you see some improvement on my writing. I've said on other anniversaries that I did notice a difference, but now... I really don't.

On another personal note, I just made contact with a fellow comic blogger by the name of Martin Gray, and he reviewed "Teenagers From The Future", the book about the Legion Of Super-Heroes I wrote an essay for. Not only that, he wrote the following:

"My favourite essay is Martin A Perez's Fashion from the future, or 'I swear, Computo Forced Me To Wear This'. It's written at the level of a great fanzine article - light, entertaining and insightful."

Ego boosts are good for the soul, my friends. I'd like to also invite you to "like" the Facebook page for Teenagers From The Future.

Let's get on with the actual column, shall we? This is for comics released on 10/20; as usual, with some older stuff thrown in when I read it after publishing date. Here are The Dissector's Picks Of The Week: Best Book Of The Week was The Sixth Gun #5; a pretty interesting (if not necessarily groundbreaking) script by Cullen Bunn; good art (and lettering) by Brian Hurtt... and I'm assuming acceptable colors are by Hurtt as well, for lack of any other credit. A supernatural western adventure with magic guns? Win. Worst Book Of The Week was Soldier Zero #1... first of all, the whole "STAN LEE'S..." shtick gets tiresome, I love Stan, but he hasn't done anything worth getting excited about than play "Stan Lee" in numerous media outlets... his writing days are long away from his heyday. And if I open the book and find he's not even credited as creator or plotter, but just as "Grand Poobah", it gets even more difficult to take this seriously. Paul Cornell's writing is not close to his usual level, Javier Pina's art is not bad, but it's not enough to turn this into a book that's worth anything beyond a quick flip in the comic shop. As I tweeted after reading it: "Soldier Zero = Captain Marvel (Batson) + Blue Beetle (Reyes) + Green Lantern (Jordan) + Hulk/4 = Bland. Sorry Stan."

The Rundown: Batman: The Return Of Bruce Wayne (Tim Drake says he was Batman's partner longer than anyone, and I don't think that adds up, he went solo pretty early in his career, I don't think it nets him more time partnering with Batman than it does Dick Grayson), Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Commissioner Gordon (accented letter), DC Universe Halloween Special 2010 (Spanish dialogue from Blue Beetle is within translation brackets, but untranslated), Hellblazer (the plural of succubus is "succubi", not "succubae"), Hulk V3 (the designation of the comets changes from one story to the other), Ides Of Blood ("pleaures" instead of "pleasures"), Justice League Of America V2 (Batman's chest emblem is wrong, and it changes a few times throughout the issue), Power Girl V2 (Batman's belt, glove and chest emblem are wrong), Shadowland: Power Man (characters "refresh browser history" to see what another one was looking at on his computer... but you don't "refresh browser history"... you refresh a page you have on your browser, or you check the browser history...), Star Trek: Captains Log: Jellico (a science officer's uniform changes color to a security/engineering uniform between pages), Supergirl V6 ("supplicants", again... dictionaries don't bite), X-Factor V3 (Wolfsbane and Rictor's eyes are colored incorrectly... buy Jeromy Cox!).
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"LET'S START WITH ME, SHALL WE?"

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: #182

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I wrote "R'as" instead of "Ra's", and JohnnyDoe called me on it, getting a badge. As a Commander, JohnnyDoe is the highest active member of the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps, after myself (I might be the Grand Admiral, but I'm there on the frontlines with you, guys). High Admiral Nysie holds an honorary rank for designing my logo; and ViceAdmiral Snakebyte is not among my regular readers lately. Keep at it, JD, you need ten more badges to make Captain.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"WHO ARE THOSE GUYS? WHAT IS THIS, MOSAIC?"

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 53.

CULPRIT: Tyler Kirkham (penciller) and Nei Rufino (colorist)

DISSECTION: What? Bystanders on Korugar are colored like humans, some lighter, others darker, and it's not a trick of the light or anything, because in the same light as Kyle Rayner, many share his skin color. But that's not the worst thing... they're dressed, unequivocally, in Earth clothes: jackets, baseball caps, hoodies. People from Korugar have pink or red skin, and they certainly shouldn't be wearing normal Earth garments.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars, double. Also, Sinestro's ring is colored like his skin in a panel (that's where all the pink ink went!).
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"FUCKING FIRES, HOW DO THEY WORK?"

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (DC).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Paul Levitz (writer).

DISSECTION: Cosmic Boy goes to the Legion Academy, and while he's reviewing the students, a fire breaks out nearby and they are the closest ones to respond. They go to the scene, and one student that has variable powers (Variable Lad), in this case uses them to become super smart and learn what the best way of putting out the fire is: using the powers of another student who can control chemical reactions (Chemical Kid), because fire is an oxidation. Uhm... and they needed a super intelligent being to figure that out?

Regardless of him being a student and not a battle-hardened Legionnaire, a guy whose powers are to control chemical reactions should think of that first, particularly in the 30th century, with the kind of education they have, plus any further education someone with chemical controlling powers should get on the subject. Controlling the oxidation should be a gut response from Chemical Kid, the same as Bataranging or punching a bank robber is Batman's!

Not to mention the fact that there's two veteran Legionnaires there (Cosmic Boy and Duplicate Girl), and a handful of other students, most of whom should have a pretty advanced science education when compared to today's teenagers or young adults. Anyone today with a barely decent education should know that a fire is a chemical reaction.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, there a couple of smaller accented letters, missing powers on Timber Wolf's description, and Gravity Kid (complete with a skin-showing costume a la Cosmic Boy at one point, but not that revealing, as he has pants) becomes super-heavy and uses "his mass" to create a firebreak (a crater, actually)... when it should be his weight. In the election "ad", Tenzil Kem's eyes are colored incorrectly. Still, despite some dissections, this book remains a great read.
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"OLD SCHOOL."

TITLE: The Nitpicker (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer without a moustache).

DISSECTION: Yup... the first column. I re-read it for this anniversary, and noticed I billed Jeromy Cox as "Jeremy". Good thing I didn't spell his last "Cocks".

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"FREE DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN CHEAP."

TITLE: Spider-Man Saga V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: One Shot.

CULPRIT: Jeff Christiansen (handbook section overseer).

DISSECTION: The credits on one of the Kraven family profiles say "Art by Barry Kitson with Phillipe Briones (inset)", but there is no inset picture in the entry. Sidney spotted this one, and he gets a badge.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"DISSECT/THIS!"

TITLE: Superman/Batman (DC).

ISSUE: 77.

CULPRIT: Joshua Williamson (writer).

DISSECTION: What's wrong here? You must be up with current (six months to a year) comics for this one.


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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So, an average of 6.1 Bazzars in thirty-two dissections. Cover Of The Week is Jim Lee's variant for Legion Of Super-Heroes #6:


Great "Brainy as the Thinker" cover. Simple, yet effective. Now, Moments Of The Week... first up, from an old issue of Knights Of The Dinner table, what happens when you trick players at a convention into joining a live action game of D-Day?


In the KODTverse, that... Next, curious as to why the Legion's newest "recruit" has been behaving heroically?


Uh-oh... this CAN'T backfire... Back to the present, the Insider is impressed that Oracle seems to know who he is:


YOU'RE WEARING A YELLOW UTILITY BELT! YOU HAVE A SUIT THAT GIVES YOU THE POWERS OF CLASSIC JUSTICE LEAGUE MEMBERS! YOUR GLOVES HAVE BATMAN SPIKES!!! AND SHE'S THE FOREMOST EXPERT IN INFORMATION IN THE SUPERHERO COMMUNITY!!! STOP TREATING THIS INSIDER SHIT AS MYSTERIOUS, IT'S OBVIOUS TO ALL HIS FUCKING ALLIES (AND ANYONE WHO CAN ADD 2+2) THAT THAT'S BATMAN!!!!!

*sigh* What's next? Oh, I know, the solution to all problems:


LASERS! And for the end, another KODT moment:


I don't know, I've played with some people I'm not sure what step of the evolutionary ladder they were on... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!