The Dissector #125.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Did we just get our butts kicked by Trident? (...) You don't even know who that is, do you? (...) Yeah, I just let my team get beat by someone named after a toothpaste. (...) How could this get worse? Oh, that's how. We have to be saved by the Older Titans. How lame to have your "big brother" come fight your fights. Thanks, Nightwing. Dick." Robin, Teen Titans, Wednesday Comics #2.

Sorry I'm late, but I've been behind in my comic reading... and if I don't finish the comics for a given week (or at least those I received), I prefer not to write the column. This is the column for comics released on 07/15; so let's get on with it. Kal cracked the DT! this time; Destro talks about "Hiesenberg Uncertainty Principles"... ignoring the fact that it's just one principle, not several, the name is "Heisenberg", not "Hiesenberg". Badge for you, my Canuck friend!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week: Best Book Of The Week was Amazing Spider-Man #599... great ending for a great saga ("American Son"), and like I always say, that book is S.O.L.I.D. (wow, that whole acronym thing was so 90s...), and it always delivers. Worst Book Of The Week? Final Crisis Aftermath: Escape #3... God, what a piece of crap. Not only is this a horrible "The Prisoner" rip-off, the art is incredibly subpar, it's unbelievable someone is getting paid for drawing that. Look at the dissection for that book in this column and you'll see what I mean.
<-------------------------------->
"AIRPOST."

TITLE: Air (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: G. Willow Wilson (writer).

DISSECTION: Gee-Wee... what the heck is a "passpost?"

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MORE THAN TWIST IN MY SOBRIETY."

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 599.

CULPRIT: Joe Kelly (writer).

DISSECTION: Boy, are we glad Harry Osborn's "sobreity" is not in danger any longer...

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Oh, and Jeromy (Cox), while you colored Norman's eyes correctly... you didn't do the same with Harry. His eyes should be blue, not green.
<-------------------------------->
"BLACKEST EMBLEM."

TITLE: Blackest Night: Tales Of The Corps. (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 03.

CULPRIT: Doug Mahnke (penciller, Green Lantern Corps profile).

DISSECTION: Hal Jordan's chest emblem is wrong... and so are Kyle Rayner's and John Stewart's. In fact, the emblems on the latter two is more similar to Hal's correct emblem than the one Mahnke gave him. Really, Hal Jordan's chest emblem is way simpler and, structurally speaking, even more iconic than those worn by Batman and Superman.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars each.
<-------------------------------->
"OH! MY PRETTY FACE!!!"

TITLE: Blackest Night (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: Damage says that when the Secret Society killed the Freedom Fighters, he was left with "a crushed naval cavity and a mangled profile". What? "Naval cavity"? Is that where you hide boats? It can't be a "navel" cavity, since there's no such thing, really, medically speaking... or since his face got fucked up... was it his "NASAL" cavity? I'm pretty sure I would have spotted this one, but Mean Jeff spotted it first, so he gets a badge.

Here's what Jeff had to say about Damage's whining: "(...) Damage talks about how he saw his former team mates, the Freedom Fighters, get killed while he was on their roster. "I was left alive with a crushed naval {sic} cavity and a mangled profile," he says. A crushed naval cavity? Sooo...he got punched in the belly button and it ruined his side-pose?"

I agree with you, Jeff, and thanks for e-mailing me saying that you're a loyal reader and "always a fan". It warms my heart, you have no idea how much.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, there's nine instances of wrong GL emblems (on Hal, Guy, and Kilowog), as well as wrong coloring on Kyle Rayner's Ion costume gloves.
<-------------------------------->
"THE BRAVE AND THE 'STACHED."

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Adam Beechen (writer).

DISSECTION: Blue Beetle wonders if Hardware has a moustache... when he can see his face perfectly, since Hardware's helmet is open-faced.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"EYE OF THE GOBLIN."

TITLE: Dark Avengers (Marvel).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Rain Beredo (colorist).

DISSECTION: Again, Norman Osborn's eyes are colored brown instead of blue. Yes, it's a minor mistake, that doesn't detract from enjoyment of the story... but how hard is it to check character references when you are given a job to do? I'm sorry if I come across as too harsh, but that's very unprofessional. I mean, Beredo's not a full author, pencilling, writing, inking, coloring, etc... he just has to color the comic. Yes, it's no easy task, and I can't do it... but he just has to color it... and get the colors of character features right.

EDIT: Just after I finished this column, Rain Beredo left a comment on column #122 letting me know that he colors Norman's eyes brown by order of Tom Breevort. Thanks. Rain.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"NEGATIVE DISSECTION."

TITLE: Dark Reign: Mr. Negative (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 03.

CULPRIT: Gianluca Gugliotta (artist).

DISSECTION: Spot me this one, please:


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SUPER FRIENDS OF WORD BALLOONS."

TITLE: DC Super Friends (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: Flash's word balloon points, and is positioned over Chronos

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"PLEASE, MISTER."

TITLE: Descendant (Image).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Michael Dolce & Marcus Perry (writers).

DISSECTION: The Spanish word for "mister" is "señor", not "senor". Gracias.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FIRE... TO HIS PENCILS."

TITLE: Final Crisis Aftermath: Escape (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Marco Rudy (penciller).

DISSECTION: God... How does Rudy get a job pencilling? Look, let me show you Fire, Beatriz da Costa, one of the sexiest women in the DC Universe:


Sexy, right? And this is how Rudy draws her:


Not only does Rudy have the artistic ability of Robocop (which wouldn't be a dissection on its own), but he draws Fire with a completely different shaped head and hair from panel to panel.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. The horror.
<-------------------------------->
"NOW, THAT'S IMAGE RESOLUTION!"

TITLE: Punisher V8 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Rick Remender (writer).

DISSECTION: Punisher's new hacker (don't remember his name, don't care) verifies The Wraith's identity by using a S.H.I.E.L.D. satellite to READ HIS DNA. I'm sorry, but if S.H.I.E.L.D. satellites could read DNA (which is absurd, even in a fantasy world as Marvel's), we would have heard about it before... you know, the millions of times when there's characters whose identity is unknown, or doppelgangers. So... no.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SCALPING LETTERS."

TITLE: Scalped (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 30.

CULPRIT: Steve Wands (letterer).

DISSECTION: R.M. Guéra's name in the credits has an "é" smaller than the rest of the letters.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"NEW ADVERTISING TECHNIQUES."

TITLE: Star Trek: Crew (IDW).

ISSUE: 05 of 05.

CULPRIT: Chris Ryan (editor).

DISSECTION: If it's the end of July, and the adaptation of Star Trek: TWOK is already over... why is there an advertising for it on this book, reading "JUNE 2009" in big blue and red font?

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Yes, it could be an add to get you to buy the back issues, but...
<-------------------------------->
"IRIS OF THE EYES."

TITLE: Wednesday Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 12.

CULPRIT: Dave McCaig (colorist, Flash Comics).

DISSECTION: Iris eyes are colored incorrectly again. And the Teen Titans costumes are all wrong, but I've come to accept that none of these stories are in continuity.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
That's it then, we have a 6.6 Bazzars average in twenty-seven dissections. Before we finish this (late column, and it'll make the next one late again, I'm afraid), here's the Moments Of The Week. First up, sexual freedom was more common in the forties than I thought:


"BUT I AM NOT A MAN, I AM MARVEX, THE SUPER ROBOT!" Next, you know I'm a sucker for Green Lantern:


Even if Hal's chest emblem is wrong... oh, and his ring emblem is wrong too! Another dissection! But then Blackest Night gives me the creeps:


I winced and cried out "OH FUCK!" when I saw that. Next, what's a new Avengers' headquarters without Jarvis?


Thank God it's self-cleaning!

That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #114.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

02/11: "Yeah, dawg, I saw Galactus and Galactus is a PIMP. Who else be dressin' in a purple suit with a big tricked out hat like that? (...) Probably lookin' to put that fine Invisible Woman on the street." Street thugs, Galactus: The Real Story.

02/18: "Man, say what you want about me... Good looks, gravitas, iconic costume design. But man, does my timing el suck-o. They asked me to be an Avenger when I was in high school... I said now. They asked me when I was in college... and I said no. Young adult, nope. NOW I say yes. Now, when there's no mansion, no butler, no tower, no Quinjet, no big table with an "A" on it... I get to hide in fake Captain America's basement and wait for things like this. I truly am a genius." Spider-Man, New Avengers #50.

02/25: "You might feel a little prick--... wait, that came out wrong!" Ant-Man, Thunderbolts #129.

You'll notice there's three quotes of the week... yes, I know, because this is a special, rest-of-February column; and I'll try to write one for March, and one for April, to catch up. That said, I'll go quickly through The Dissector's Picks Of The Week(s). For the week of 02/11, the Best Book was R.E.B.E.L.S. #1; as a LSH-related book it caught my attention, and it's also very good... as I said when I found about it, Andy Clark's art is fantastic; unfortunately, issues 4 and 5 have been solicited with art by other people... I hope Clark returns. Worst Book of that week was Batman #686, Neil Gaiman tries to be Silver Agey and succeeds... in boring me.

Best Book for the week of 02/18 was Amazing Spider-Man #587; my love for BND ASM is no secret. Worst Book for that week was New Exiles #18; last issue of an unbearable pain... please Marvel, give Chris Claremont a pension package that doesn't allow him to write... On the other hand, Best Book for the week of 02/25 was Blue Beetle #36; another last issue, of a book I'll miss greatly. Luckily we'll still see Jaime in Teen Titans and in other places (like Brave And The Bold, occasionally). Worst Book Of The Week was Trinity #39... it's not particularly bad, but there wasn't anything worse this week.. yet Trinity is consistently bland and boring.

Nobody cracked the DT! from the last regular column... come on, it was very easy! If you look closely, Wolverine's not wearing gloves, yet he has the metal "exits" for his claws on the back of his bare hand. That's it, then, dissections! Oh, wait... you know how I usually give an entry to only the most glaring errors in a book, and reserve repeat errors in the same issue, or minor stuff as just a mention; and save them for the final counts of averages and the like? Well, in these emergency catch-up columns I'll flat out not give entries to entire issues. Suffice it to say that there were a lot of boring mistakes in the following books: Avengers Invaders, Batman, Blue Beetle, Doctor Doom And The Masters Of Evil, Justice Society Of America, Galactus: The Real Story, Mighty Avengers, Ms. Marvel, New Avengers, Sgt. Rock: The Lost Battalion, Supergirl, Superman/Batman, Tangent: Superman's Reign, The Phantom: Ghost Who Walks, Trinity, Vigilante, X-Men: Legacy, X-Men Origins: Sabretooth.

There, now you get dissections:
<-------------------------------->
"DECESIONS."

TITLE: Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 587.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: A cop confesses that they "deceded" to frame Spider-Man so they could "do jobs" (instead of "our jobs). Thanks to Snakebyte for noticing this, badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars each.
<-------------------------------->
"SENSE YOUR FIRE!."

TITLE: Battlestar Galactica: Cylon War (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: Joshua Ortega & Eric Nylund (writers).

DISSECTION: Admiral Ben Tanner orders the "sensation" of hostilities...

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HE MANIPULATED OUR FEELINGS ABOUT HIM."

TITLE: Dark Reign Files (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator) or any of a number of writers not specifically credited for each profile.

DISSECTION: Among other mistakes, Daken's profile is missing his pheromone powers, which are what make him stand out from the original Wolverine.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IN DISSECTED NIGHT!"

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 33.

CULPRIT: Patrick Gleason (penciller).

DISSECTION: Easy one.


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DUDE, YOU'RE RAD!"

TITLE: Hulk V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Jeph Loeb (writer).

DISSECTION: The Silver Surfer's name is given as Norrin "Rad", when it's Radd.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OH THAT? JUST A HOBBY."

TITLE: Outsiders V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Peter J. Tomasi (writer).

DISSECTION: Geo-Force says he has no responsibilities to leave behind to join the Outsiders... WHAT ABOUT RULING AN ENTIRE COUNTRY!?!!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BOUNDARIES SCHMOUNDARIES."

TITLE: Star Trek: Countdown (IDW).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, Mike Johnson & Tim Jones (writers).

DISSECTION: Well, there's several mistakes in this comics (ambassadors wearing Starfleet uniforms, science officers seating in navigation consoles, etc, etc). But the one that stands out the most is Data saying a Federation starship has authority to confiscate cargo inside Romulan territory.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DROID OF HOLDING."

TITLE: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Henry Gilroy (writer).

DISSECTION: An R2 unit has a 20cm x 8cm internal storage area (remember the one where R2 hid Luke's saber?), yet R2-D2 has space for three lightsaber, complete with a rack and launcher.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"JEWELRY."

TITLE: Titans V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Howard Porter (penciller).

DISSECTION: Whatever necklace Vixen is wearing, that's not the Tantu Totem.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"NO A LA BLOQUEO!"

TITLE: Umbrella Academy: Dallas (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Gerard Way (writer) and/or Gabriel Bá (artist).

DISSECTION: Nice Cuban propaganda poster... if only you'd asked someone who actually spoke Spanish before making it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CLOSE YOUR EYES."

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 506.

CULPRIT: Terry Dodson (penciller).

DISSECTION: Cyclops needs to sleep with ruby quarts goggles on to avoid blasting the hell out of everything, including his woman, when he opens the eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Matt Fraction, what the hell is "Refugiados del mutante" supposed to mean?
<-------------------------------->
"FICTITIONAL GEOGRAPHY."

TITLE: Vixen: Return Of The Lion (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: G. Willow Wilson (writer).

DISSECTION: For the fifth time, Zambesi is the village, M'Changa is the country.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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"WHETMAN."

TITLE: Whatmen (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Scott Lobdell (writer).

DISSECTION: Funny parody, but it should be "funeral" not "funereal".

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FEMDROID?"

TITLE: Wildcats V5 (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: Christos Gage (writer).

DISSECTION: Maxine to Spartan as an android, as if she's not one. Well, honey, you're human-shaped, that makes you an android.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S WOLVERINE, NOT CABLE."

TITLE: Wolverine: Manifest Destiny (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Stephen Segovia & Paco Diaz Luque (pencillers).

DISSECTION: What the hell is that one inch thick steel cable inside Wolverine's body?!??!


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I PREFER JUTIPER."

TITLE: Wonder Woman V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 29.

CULPRIT: Gail Simone (writer).

DISSECTION: "Zues"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"I CHANGED MY MIND, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A PULSE ANYMORE."

TITLE: X-Force V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: Craig Kyle & Christopher Yost (writers).

DISSECTION: Beautiful Dreamer (a mutant) is infected with the Legacy Virus, so her powers (manipulating memories) flare out of control; so she causes civilian deaths by "wiping their brains, making them forget to tell their hearts to beat". Well, your brain has absolutely nothing to do with your heart beat.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. I'm sure there's lots of other mutants they could have used. Few other mistakes, too, art-wise. Particularly, if you're going to do painted art, keep mind of what colors you're using on character's hair and such.
<-------------------------------->
"FORGET ABOUT THEM, THEY GOT MASSACRED, SO THEY DON'T COUNT. IT'S LIKE THE VIKING COLONY IN NORTH AMERICA."

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: First mutant nation, and it's not Genosha? Nope, not even in an alternate future... which is evidently based upon the present timeline.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"EAT MY SHORTS, SARGENT GARCÍA!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: You can spell words incorrectly, forget accents, fuck up font sizes, etc. But having an angry villain scream "AY, CARAMBA!"??!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. You know it's not the only mistake in this issue... it's just one of twenty nine.
<-------------------------------->
Well, I'm certainly taking my time writing this... the average was 6.4 Bazzars in 84 dissections... quite normal, all taken into consideration. And now, the Moments Of The Week(s)! First up, From 021/11, Harry falls off the wagon...


And on the glider! Next, Wolvie's happy memories:


Predictable, right? Week of 02/18, Nightwing causes cameltoe in mature ladies:


Well, his tights are tight... Then... she knows stuff, and she's back!


She's all grown up, lookither! Last, from 08/25, a shocking cartoon moment:


Holy shit, Batman and Blue Beetle just KILLED A DUDE!!! WTF??!?!?!?!? I cry bloody... digital murder, they're teaching our kids it's okay to kill artificial intelligences!!!

That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector Special #06: Autopsy Awards 2008 Winners.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)


Thank you all for voting; here are your choices (and mine, hey, I voted first!) for the Autopsy Awards 2008:
<-------------------------------->
Best Writing Dissection:

Without a doubt, but without a landslide vote, the winner is:

W03-"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: I'm so at a loss for words on this dissection, that I should just make up a word in English for it...

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
<-------------------------------->
Best Art Dissection:

It's nice to check Wikipedia every now and then:

A02-"CIDADE MARAVILHOSA... NOT!"" (The Dissector #84, 08/13/08)

COMMENT: Good god, it's not like you can't get photos from the web...

TITLE: Casey Blue: Beyond Tomorrow (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Carlo Barbieri (penciller).

DISSECTION: Establishing shot of Sao Paulo... THE CRISTO REDENTOR STATUE WHICH IS ACTUALLY IN RIO DE JANEIRO!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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Best Coloring Dissection:

Only one vote for other nominee; but you just don't mess up when coloring Superman's costume and get away with it:
<-------------------------------->
C01a-"OH NO HE DIDN'T!" (The Dissector #67, 03/27/08)

COMMENT: This one and the next are the same mistake, made two issues in a row, and it's outrageous. Just vote for C01 if you want this one to win.

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Arcas incorrectly colors SUPERMAN'S CAPE SHIELD!!! He colors it as if it was the chest shield, blue and yellow

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Un-for-gi-va-ble.
<-------------------------------->
C01b-"WELL, IT'S JUST SUPERMAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOT A CLASSIC, RECOGNIZABLE COSTUME." (The Dissector #72, 06/25/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Good God, Arcas! How can you work as a comic book colorist and not know that Superman's CAPE emblem is all yellow, not red and yellow like his chest one?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Lettering Dissection:

Joe denied any guilt on this one, but it's just very funny, and our first landslide:
L02-"WHERE'S WULVERINE AND NIGHTCRUWLER?" (The Dissector #61, 03/21/08)

COMMENT: This one is by far the funniest lettering error I've seen; coupled with the frilly font for such a macho character...

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 495.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Pfft.... look below.


Hahahaha!!!! COLUSSUS!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars
<-------------------------------->
Best Other Dissection:

This was so big, it had to get two awards:
<-------------------------------->
O03"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: This one was so big, that it had to be nominated for both categories.

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

What was the worse (or funniest, you decide) thing about this book? That when I got to the end of it, writer Nitz thanked Sergio Aragonés for "keeping it "verdadero""... Was Aragonés (who was born in Spain and grew up in Mexico) drunk? Pulling a prank on Nitz? Getting revenge for Nitz boinking his granddaughter? Because no one who actually knows Spanish would ever translate the issue as this one was... Complete and utter garbage; and the story isn't even up to Blue Beetle standards.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
<-------------------------------->
Best Quote:

You gotta love gamemasters and their flavor text:
<-------------------------------->
Q05-"You are ejected from the sliding chute like phlegm from and old sailor's nostril." B.A. Felton, Knights Of The Dinner Table #135. (The Dissector #77, 07/24/08)
<-------------------------------->
Best Moment:

Simply brilliant:
M04-From The Dissector #75 (07/22/08), Norman Osborn again, in a brilliant scene that shows (in an admittedly cliched way, but brilliant nevertheless) how utterly insane he is:


<-------------------------------->
Now, for the special awards, those based solely on numbers, or on "special" merit.
<-------------------------------->
Company With Most Dissections: DC, with 684; followed by Marvel with 327. Yeah, Countdown To Final Crisis and its policy of "at least one fuck up per issue" helped a lot.
<-------------------------------->
Book With Most Dissections: Zorro (Dynamite), with 89 dissections, against Blue Beetle's 62 (with one issue making up the bulk of it.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Writer: Matt Wagner (Zorro), with 63 dissections, followed closely by MaGnUs (The Dissector) with 58.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Artist: Tom Derenick (Countdown To Final Crisis), with 13, followed by Freddie E. Williams II (The Flash), and others, with 8.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Colorist: John Kalisz (Rann/Thanagar Holy War, others), with 14, followed by Tom Chu (Countdown To Final Crisis), with 11.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Letterer: Simon Bowland (Zorro), with 55, followed by Cory Petit (Punisher, others) with 19.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected "Other": Sergio Aragonés (for Blue Beetle, as translation terrorist), with 58 dissections; followed b Jordan D. White (assistant editor at Marvel), with 20.
<-------------------------------->
Single Issue With Most Dissections: Blue Beetle V8 #26 (DC Comics), for the "all-Spanish" issue, it also takes home the "Golden Bonesaw Award" for catastrophic underachievement.
<-------------------------------->
Cyclone Fashion Award To The Most Mutable Costume: Una's costume (Countdown To Final Crisis).
<-------------------------------->
Worst Quote Of The Year: "Hurry the fuck up down there! Do I need to remind yeh this's an invasion? Like with pointy swords and people dying and shit?" Unnamed Saxxon commander in the 1100s, Northlanders #7.
<-------------------------------->
That's it for this year; I'll be on the outlook for more nominees, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #108.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Ladies and gentlemen, God exists... and he's Latverian." News anchor, What If? Secret Wars.

Welcome to the column for comics issued on 01/02, and I'd remind you that you're still in time to vote in the Autopsy Awards, and if you speak Spanish, the latest episode of my internet radio show, Perdidos En El Eter, is out, with pieces on Secret Invasion. Final Crisis, Afro Samurai, and Cisplatino. Last column's DT! was spotted by Snakebyte, who correctly spotted that Revel used the word "hierological"; unless they're priests, the word Revel was looking for was "hierarchical". Congratulations Snake, this newest badge gets you the rank of Vice Admiral, again the first in the fleet to reach it (as founder, I automatically gave myself the rank of Grand Admiral, and I'll be the only one, and although Nysie has the rank of High Admiral, she's honorary and didn't go through the rest of the ranks).

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow. Best Book Of The Work was X-Men: Magneto Testament #4; it's a good portrayal of what concentration camp prisoners had to go through, even if it's a pretty "cheap shot". Worst Book Of The Week was Superman & Batman Vs. Vampires & Werewolves #6, awful last issue of an awful mini that shouldn't have existed. Off you go, the dissections are here:
<-------------------------------->
"BLE BEETL."

TITLE: Blue Beetle V8 (DC).

ISSUE: 34.

CULPRIT: Matthew Sturges (writer).

DISSECTION: The word "versus" is spelled "verus".

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!!!"

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 102.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: In the course of my going over the columns of the past year for Autopsy Awards nomination-worthy dissections, quotes, and moments, I found twenty-two dissections of my own work. And that was only while giving the columns a cursory scan; imagine what an in-depth re-reading would find! They're all typos or similar mistakes, and the funniest one was in #102, when I wrote "Kingdong Come" instead of "Kingdom Come".

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CAPACITY AT RING."

TITLE: Green Lantern V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 36.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer) and/or Rob Leigh (letterer).

DISSECTION: Hal Jordan's ring says "ring at capacity"... when it was before at more than 200% capacity, so it can't mean "ring at full capacity". It was probably meant to say "ring at maximum overload capacity" or something like that.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DON'T MESS WITH ME, I GOT A POSSE!"

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 28.

CULPRIT: Dwayne McDuffie (writer).

DISSECTION: John Stewart says he's one of four Green Lanterns in Sector 2814; when in truth, he's just one of two assigned to the sector, with Hal Jordan. Kyle Rayner and Guy Gardner are assigned to Oa, they're part of the Corps Honor Guard.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars, it could be a figure of speech, since both Kyle and Guy are from Earth and former members of the League, so they have interest in the situation. Also, penciller José Luis makes Vixen's totem appear and disappear, while letterer Travis Lanham spelled the penciller's name as Jose' instead of José.
<-------------------------------->
"IT GETS BIGGER. NOT!"

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 49.

CULPRIT: Jim Shooter (writer).

DISSECTION: Colossal Boy's powers, for the Nth time... too bad (seriously) this book is being cancelled after next issue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, penciller Manapul has equipment labeled in English instead of Interlac, but I didn't count it as a dissection, because it could be just a matter of the Legionnaires being retro.
<-------------------------------->
"YES, I KNOW THIS IS SOMEWHAT OF A CLICH"

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: Annual 01.

CULPRIT: Ed Dukeshire (letterer).

DISSECTION: The word "clichéd" has a smaller "e", as a result of the letterer's misunderstanding of how a tilde works.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SUPERNATURAL CREATURES? WHERE?"

TITLE: Superman & Batman Vs. Vampires & Werewolves (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 06

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: A caption about Superman says something to the effect of "He's fought alien invaders, superpowered enemies of the state... but vampires and werewolves?"... yes, he's never fought any kind of supernatural enemies, of course not.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"RED LIGHTNING!"

TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 683.

CULPRIT: James Robinson (writer).

DISSECTION: Black Lightning uses his powers against a Kryptonian by surrounding him with lightning and then... CHANGING THE LIGHTNING'S COLOR TO RED, THEREFORE RENDERING THE KRYPTONIAN POWERLES??!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Robinson, Kryptonians are powerless under RED SUNLIGHT, not RED ELECTRICITY!!! Black Lightning has ELECTRIC POWERS not SOLAR POWERS!!!

Robinson also has Starfire absorbing the yellow solar radiation from the Kryptonians to leave them powerless. This, while a stretch of her powers (she never had such control, her solar energy absorption is usually just passive), it's not absurd like what he does with Black Lightning's powers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. No less.
<-------------------------------->
"I CALCULATE THIS IS WRONG."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 66

CULPRIT: Rod Reis (colorist).

DISSECTION: A bit subtle.


DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S SO REMOTE, IT'S OUT OF CONTROL."

TITLE: The War That Time Forgot (DC).

ISSUE: 08 of 12.

CULPRIT: Al Barrionuevo (penciller).

DISSECTION: Colonel Jape's remote control appears and disappears from his hand, and changes shapes from page to page.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"A HOLE DIFFERENT THING."

TITLE: X-Force V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Mike Choi (penciller).

DISSECTION: X-23's boots don't have the holes for her claws, as they should.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S WRITTEN IN CIPHER."

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Nick Lowe (editor) & Daniel Ketchum (assistant editor) and/or Dave Sharpe (letterer).

DISSECTION: In the cast of characters, Moonstar's picture has Cipher's name under it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, a Spanish name is wrong again.
<-------------------------------->
So, predictably, we got an average of 3.6 Bazzars on thirty-three dissections; most of the dissections (twenty-three, my own), were just typos, so not even the two 10s could offset that. Let's get on with those Moments Of The Week, shall we? The first one is a shock (and I know it's the same image as the DT!):


Okay, maybe not much of it... but finding out that DCU Marvin and Wendy are the son and daughter of the Calculator is a bit of a shock. Next one is better, I promise:


How's that, eh? Pregnant with a Skrull baby! Next, another shocker, one that was completely unexpected to me, despite some people's predictions:


Mutant X is Typhoid Mary? Typhoid Mary?!? Typhoid Frakking Mary?!?!? Mutant X was, according to Dan Slott "a mutant chick who’s been cover-worthy many times. This is not some obscure-o mutant dusted off just for this arc. (...) People who don’t even follow comics regularly will know who it is." Really? Typhoid Mary? Who had never had the source of her powers revealed before? Who's been on a few Daredevil covers? Who isn't known at all by people who don't read comics? Come on.... I do love the next one... did you guess who Doctor Who's opponent in "The Forgotten" was?


Yes, the Meta-Crisis Tenth Doctor! Complete with a mandatory evil goatee! And last, be careful for what you wish...


... you hear me, Franklin Richards? Now, before we finish, remember to vote in the Autopsy Awards. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector Special #05: Autopsy Awards 2008 Nominations.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

I got your Autopsy Awards nominees right here! The voting will be via e-mail, because that's what I prefer. Send your votes to lordmagnusen at gmail.com, in the following form (each nomination has a code): "W01, A03, C02..."

Some of the awards are not subject to vote, as they are given solely on a numeric basis (most Dissected company, etc), or specially awarded for extraordinary "merit". Of course, the text for each dissection is the original one from when they were published, but I've added new comments for all.

The last two categories are actually about positive things that a comic book company or creator would be proud to win... unlike the other categories. I'm talking about the "Best Quote" and Best Moment awards. Now, the nominees:
<-------------------------------->
Best Writing Dissection:

There's a lot of nominees for this category, because there were just too many atrocities committed.
<-------------------------------->
W01-"OUTSOURCING LANTERNS." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENT: This seems minor, but it shows a deep lack of knowledge of the Green Lantern myths... something that might not be important if you're writing GL as part of a larger non-GL Corps team (like the JLA), but it's very important when Green Lantern is one of the two main characters in your story.

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: David Hine (writer).

DISSECTION: Hal Jordan and the Phantom Stranger go to aid Orlan, Green Lantern of Space Sector... 3897?!?!?!?!? Hine, if you wanted to write Green Lantern, you should have done your homework... the Guardians divide the Galaxy into 3600 sectors...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W02-"I AM NOT A CROOK... I'M A KILLER!" (The Dissector #96, 10/23/08)

COMMENT: This is just too much...

TITLE: Two-Face: Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Mark Sable (writer).

DISSECTION: There's several dissections, but the worse one is the fact that Two-Face continues in the run for Gotham City DA; but he can't, he's a wanted criminal. Wanted criminals cannot be candidates in elections.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W03-"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: I'm so at a loss for words on this dissection, that I should just make up a word in English for it...

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
<-------------------------------->
W04-"Y IS THIS A DISSECTION?" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

TITLE: Y: The Last Man (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Brian K. Vaughan (writer).

DISSECTION: Last one, and also from the vault, 2002 in this case. What's wrong with this sentence from the prologue? "This "gendercide" instantaneously exterminated 48% of the global population, or approximately 29 billion men." Easy, innit?

NOTE: The answer was, of course, that you cannot kill 29 billion men, since there's roughly only over 6 billion people on Earth;

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W05-"THE HELMETS ARE FEELING BLUE." (The Dissector #65, 03/24/08)

COMMENT: Another dissection that shows that you should write what you know... or read up before writing about something you're not familiar with.

TITLE: Teen Titans Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Amy Wolfram (writer).

DISSECTION: The UN Headquarters in NYC have their own, civilian, security force; there's absolutely no deployment of "blue helmet" DPKO (Department Of Peacekeeping Operations) troops inside of it. Then why are DPKO troopers pointing assault rifles and other firearms at Wonder Woman?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W06-"UUUH..." (The Dissector #55, 02/13/08)

COMMENT: This is such a dumb error that it's unbelievable.

TITLE: Countdown To Adventure (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 08 (and previous issues).

CULPRIT: Adam Beechen (writer).

DISSECTION: Starfire and Animal Man are using solar panels to reflect sunlight; solar panels, by definition, absorb solar energy.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W07-"A MATTER OF GRAVITY." (The Dissector #50, 12/02/07)

COMMENTS: Sometimes, you can see why science fiction is so hard, and some writers forget the "science" part too often.

TITLE: X-Men: Emperor Vulcan (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Christopher Yost (writer).

DISSECTION: The Scy'ar Tal, an alien race from which the Shi'ar stole the M'Kraan crystal (in fact, their name used to be M'Kran) have a weapon with which they drop "baby stars" through Shi'ar stargates, and used it to destroy the planet Feather's Edge by dropping one into their orbit. Ooook.... using stars as ammo... I'll let that one pass... But in this issue the X-Men, Starjammers, and Shi'ar find the Scy'ar Tal's "ammo depot", and it's a "solar nursery", with "dozens of stars (...) all in one place"; and starships and space stations can just cruise around, without being pulled into a star or torn apart. Right-y-o.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, I don't care what your technology level is, these are STARS, and I'm pretty sure I've seen the Starjammer's ship being stopped by a tractor beam, so there's no way they could navigate through a maze of stars!
<-------------------------------->
Best Art Dissection:

Not as many nominees as with the writing dissections; but quite a few. Most are so outrageous you don't even need to actually see the images.
<-------------------------------->
A01-"RETCON TOKEN!" (The Dissector #95, 10/17/08)

COMMENT: This could be a retcon, but it's so unnecessary and blatant, that it's angering.

TITLE: Venom: Dark Origin (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Angel Medina (penciller).

DISSECTION: Well, this is a big one... so Eddie Brock divorces his wife in this issue. We've seen her in the past issues, and something didn't look right to me... Then I noticed it: Brock's wife (who was briefly She-Venom in a 90s book) was blonde, and white... and in this book she's black!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A02-"CIDADE MARAVILHOSA... NOT!"" (The Dissector #84, 08/13/08)

COMMENT: Good god, it's not like you can't get photos from the web...

TITLE: Casey Blue: Beyond Tomorrow (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Carlo Barbieri (penciller).

DISSECTION: Establishing shot of Sao Paulo... THE CRISTO REDENTOR STATUE WHICH IS ACTUALLY IN RIO DE JANEIRO!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A03-"HEART TO HEART." (The Dissector #78, 07/26/08)

COMMENT: Anatomy is a very important thing you know when you're an artist...

TITLE: Astonishing X-Men Sketchbook Special (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simone Bianchi (penciller).

DISSECTION: A sketch of Cyclops new costume shows an X emblem over the right side of his chest, and a notation that the "X on his heart..." Uhm, Simone, the human heart is to the left of your chest.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A04-"WORFZILLA." (The Dissector #68, 04/07/08)

COMMENT: Klingons are not gigantic...

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 05

CULPRIT: David Messina (artist).

DISSECTION: This was the best issue so far of the IDW TNG comics; even the art was better... but that's probably because apart from David Messina on the art, Gianluigi Gregorini is credited as "art assist"... Still, Messina still draws Worf in a scene as if he was three times larger than a human being. Psst, Dave... he's a Klingon, not the Hulk...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A05-"IT'S A BFG!" (The Dissector #65, 03/24/08)

TITLE: Teen Titans Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Amy Wolfram (writer).

DISSECTION: Look at the picture below, and you'll see that Kerschl not only neglected to correctly represent the famous sculpture called "Non-Violence" (part of the UN art collection at its headquarters in NYC, and usually called "Knotted Gun"), but he also decided (perhaps writer Amy Wolfram too) to make it gigantic, just so Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl could stand on it and look down at normal people. Not only did they enlarge it; they couldn't even get the shape of the base well, and numerous other details in the sculpture itself.


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A06-"ANYONE HERE SPEAK FRENCH? OR KRAUT?" (The Dissector #58, 02/28/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 22.

CULPRIT: Eric Trautmann (penciller).

DISSECTION: If (a) Marquis was wanted by the Gestapo, why is the poster in English, instead of French (or even German)?

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Coloring Dissection:

There's one that's bound to win this category with a landslide...
<-------------------------------->
C01a-"OH NO HE DIDN'T!" (The Dissector #67, 03/27/08)

COMMENT: This one and the next are the same mistake, made two issues in a row, and it's outrageous. Just vote for C01 if you want this one to win.

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Arcas incorrectly colors SUPERMAN'S CAPE SHIELD!!! He colors it as if it was the chest shield, blue and yellow

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Un-for-gi-va-ble.
<-------------------------------->
C01b-"WELL, IT'S JUST SUPERMAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOT A CLASSIC, RECOGNIZABLE COSTUME." (The Dissector #72, 06/25/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Good God, Arcas! How can you work as a comic book colorist and not know that Superman's CAPE emblem is all yellow, not red and yellow like his chest one?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
C02-"FASHION EMERGENCY." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENTS: This one's weak, but I wanted at least four nominees.

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Reber gives Hal Jordan white boots... ew...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
C03-"YOUNG AND UNTANNED..." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENTS: The whole point of the "All-New" X-Men and the New Mutants after them was the multiethnic origins of the characters; now if you were South American, African, Native American or whatever origin you had, you had a character to "look up to"...

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: José Villarubia (colorist).

DISSECTION: Apart from mistakes in a Spanish name by the writer; Villarubia colors Dani Moonstar (a Native American) and Sunspot (mixed race Brazilian) as having Caucasian skin colors, exactly the same between them, and as Cyclops... To top that, he colors their eyes a very light blue, when they both have brown eyes; and a light blue for Dust, who also has brown eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Come on, coupled with artist Rafa Sandoval making Sunspot seem almost Asian, you can't even tell which characters they're supposed to be unless they tell you...
<-------------------------------->
C04-"SEE! IT'S NOT EVEN THE SAME GUY ONE MOMENT TO THE OTHER!" (The Dissector #107, 01/14/09)

COMMENTS: It's important to know a character's design before working with him.

TITLE: Countdown: Arena (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Guy Major (colorist).

DISSECTION: Major manages to color Monarch's eyes (incorrectly drawn by McDaniel, see above) blue in one panel, and brown two panels down.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Lettering Dissection:

This category is harder than others, because a lettering error has got to be completely outrageous to be nominated.
<-------------------------------->
L01-"GOOD GOING, HELENA." (The Dissector #106, 01/13/09)

COMMENTS: Switched speech balloons make for funny or awkward situations sometimes.

TITLE: DC Universe Holiday Special (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer, Huntress story).

DISSECTION: Speech balloons get switched around, making the Huntress ask if a community service program run by herself is "Some sort of retarded helping program or something..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
L02-"WHERE'S WULVERINE AND NIGHTCRUWLER?" (The Dissector #61, 03/21/08)

COMMENT: This one is by far the funniest lettering error I've seen; coupled with the frilly font for such a macho character...

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 495.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Pfft.... look below.


Hahahaha!!!! COLUSSUS!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars
<-------------------------------->
L03-"TAROT, MISTRESS OF THE MEESTEEKL ARTS!" (The Dissector #51, 12/11/07)

COMMENT: Marshal... pft! I admit, this is probably an initial error on the writer's part, but the letterer should catch it. ("Magick" is not part of the error, by the way.)

TITLE: Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose (BroadSword Comics).

ISSUE: 47.

CULPRIT: Holly Golightly (letterer).

DISSECTION: In page 20, panel one, a witch fights evil with "magick" (you see what I meant about pretentiousness?) and "marshal" art moves. "Marshal"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
L04-"TXTING NORSEMEN." (The Dissector #82, 08/11/08)

COMMENT: Very simple typos, but the end effect was funny.

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer) and/or Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: So, in the 1100s you "plnt" your feet to defend your "communinty"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars each.
<-------------------------------->
Best Other Dissection:

A hard category, because again, things have to be very blatant, and not even trying hard was I able to find more than three worthy nominees.
<-------------------------------->
O01-"GUARDIANES DE LA GALAXIA! CON: MARTINEZ, PEREZ, ALVAREZ Y BORGES!" (The Dissector #104 (01/08/09)

COMMENT: Like I say in the dissection itself, it's only fair I come down on Spanish translators as hard as I do on English-speaking writers.

TITLE: Guardianes De La Galaxia (Forum/Marvel, translating Guardians Of The Galaxy V1).

ISSUE: 09 and 12 (same numbering as in US edition).

CULPRIT: Xavi Marturet (translator).

DISSECTION: With not enough dissections in this week to fill the requisite minimum of ten per column; I once more went to my Vault. I found some little gems I had stowed away, to show how it's not just English speaking writers who mess up other languages. One day, I'll write an article on the atrocities that are committed when translating comics to Spanish.

(...) in the middle of an issue, someone refers to the "Belt asteroid" ("asteroide Belt" in Spanish); making it obvious that the translator didn't know what an asteroid belt was. The funniest thing is, that when I went to Google what was Xavi Marturet up to know (his actual name is Javier Marturet); he had blogged about a Final Fantasy fan music video with an Evanescence song. He translated the lyrics to the song himself, and posted them along with the video, because (according to himself) "you don't wanna know the stinkers that pass for translations on the internet, they're horrible". The lyrics translation looks okay, but I hope he's learned what an asteroid belt was in these past 15 years.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars (...). I usually give wrong uses of the Spanish language (or other languages) in English comics 6 or 7; in this case I gave it a higher rating because those are uses of foreign languages to give certain scenes or characters a "flavor"; while what Marturet was doing was translating comics in their entirety to another language, for people to read and understand them, and he didn't even know what an "asteroid belt" was (heck, he couldn't even translate the word "belt" literally)...
<-------------------------------->
O02-"NEXT, IN A COMPLETELY UNRELATED COMIC!" (The Dissector #85 (08/18/08)

COMMENT: When you hype the next issue of a book, you might want to hype your own book... That very same week, and for another book, the same editors had the "Hot List This Week" and the DC Nation column from the week before.

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 23.

CULPRIT: Adam Schlagman (assistant editor) and Eddie Berganza (editor).

DISSECTION: Not a good week for Adam and Eddie when the last page of books is concerned. The legal indicia and "Next in..." at the end of the book are for Superman #678...

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
O03"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: This one was so big, that it had to be nominated for both categories.

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

What was the worse (or funniest, you decide) thing about this book? That when I got to the end of it, writer Nitz thanked Sergio Aragonés for "keeping it "verdadero""... Was Aragonés (who was born in Spain and grew up in Mexico) drunk? Pulling a prank on Nitz? Getting revenge for Nitz boinking his granddaughter? Because no one who actually knows Spanish would ever translate the issue as this one was... Complete and utter garbage; and the story isn't even up to Blue Beetle standards.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
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O04"WELL, IT STARTS WITH "DYNAM", SO WE GOT HALF RIGHT, DIDN'T WE?" (The Dissector #88, 09/23/08)

COMMENT: This was just sloppy... They've since fixed it, but they never even answered my e-mail... ungrateful sods...

TITLE: Zorro Website (Zorro Productions, Inc.).

ISSUE: N/A.

CULPRIT: Unknown.

DISSECTION: Zorro Productions, Inc., thinks that it's Dynamic Forces that's making the comic, instead of Dynamite Entertainment. I've e-mailed both companies (Zorro and Dynamite), to let them know.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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Best Quote:

Those quotes that make you laugh, or go "wow, that's cool"... there where quite a few to choose from, but here are the very best... according tome, of course.
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Q01-"Yes. I am Tesla and you are all Edison. Which means I'll die penniless & alone in a hotel room while obsessively counting my pubes." Warren Ellis, Backmater, Doktor Sleepless #10. (The Dissector #106, 01/13/09)
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Q02-"I. Am. The. New. God. All is one in Darkseid. This mighty body is my church. When I command your surrender, I speak with three billion voices... When I make a fist to crush your resistance. IT IS WITH THREE BILLION HANDS! When I stare into your eyes and shatter your dreams. And break your heart. IT IS WITH SIX BILLION EYES! NOTHING LIKE DARKSEID HAS EVER COME AMONG YOU: NOTHING WILL AGAIN. I WILL TAKE YOU TO A HELL WITHOUT EXIT OR END. AND THERE I WILL MURDER YOUR SOULS! AND MAKE YOU CRAWL AND BEG! AND DIE! DIE! DIE FOR DARKSEID!" Darkseid and his choir of thralls, Final Crisis #5 (The Dissector #105, 01/09/09)
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Q03-"You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!" Jon Webb, Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #53. (The Dissector #103, 01/07/09)
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Q04-"And Chas, no pressure or nothing, but if I and when I ever get back to London, I'm fully expecting to find the same shit-hole that was there when I left-- and not a pile of smoldering ruins, okay?" John Constantine, Hellblazer Presents: Chas-The Knowledge #5. (The Dissector #100, 12/03/08)
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Q05-"You are ejected from the sliding chute like phlegm from and old sailor's nostril." B.A. Felton, Knights Of The Dinner Table #135. (The Dissector #77, 07/24/08)
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Q06-"We're going to burn it all down. Because this is not the future we were promised. And if we can't have that, then we shouldn't have anything at all." Doktor Sleepless, Doktor Sleepless #6. (The Dissector #70, 05/08/08)
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Q07-"Sweetie, I'll make soup with your knickers!" Random gang-banger, Andrea D #1. (The Dissector #60, 03/10/08)
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Q08-"Come on, everybody! There's got to be an abandoned playing card factory around here somewhere." Joker leading his half of the prisoners of the penal planet, Salvation Run #3. (The Dissector #57, 02/26/08)
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Best Moment:

Moments that leave you speechless, or busting your gut with laughter. Hard to choose just one...
<-------------------------------->
M01-From The Dissector #94 (10/14/08), Norman Osborn makes good use of public exposure, and then, in private, shows us his plans. NORMAN OSBORN FOR PRESIDENT!



M02-From The Dissector #93 (10/7/08), John Constantine shows us what a white Christmas really means (BTW, that thing he snorts are powdered St. Nicholas' bones...):



M03-From The Dissector #87 (09/16/08), Gordo Sheckberry shows that you can join in on paintball wars even while wheelchair-bound... and with style! Also, this moment is the spark that lights the fuse on B.A.'s involvement in the war:



M04-From The Dissector #75 (07/22/08), Norman Osborn again, in a brilliant scene that shows (in an admittedly cliched way, but brilliant nevertheless) how utterly insane he is:



M05-From The Dissector #73 (07/16/08), the return of Barry Allen!


M06-From The Dissector #69 (04/9/08), a Legion Of Super-Heroes multi-page sappy moment that is, nonetheless, great:



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There you are; I’ll keep voting open for two weeks, or possibly a month, if not enough votes come in the first two weeks. Vote, it is your right, so says…

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #103.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!" Jon Webb, Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #53.

Man, that is one funny quote... Welcome to the column for comics released on 11/26; last week of November (although many of the dissections are older); we still have four columns from December to go through before I launch the second ever Autopsy Awards. Some of you already read the previous ones, and even voted in the categories that were vote in; but for those of you new to the Autopsy Awards, here's how they work. There's categories that are based on the amount of dissections perpetrated by an author, for example; then there's categories where I choose nominees (best art dissection; best writing dissection; best quote of the week, etc) and then you vote; and then there's special awards I give based on... my fancy. This year, however, I won't write up a ceremony; I think once was enough, and it would take a long time to write, too.

Now, on to the column itself; nobody tried to guess the DT! for last time, so I'll come out and say it: Batman's cowl wasn't colored in his neck. Simple, yet noticeable, at least to me. Now, The Dissector's Picks Of The Week: Best Book Of The Week goes to Blue Beetle #33; just pure superhero fun. Worst Book Of The Week went to Hulk #8. Huh? I'm getting bored of this book. Now, the dissections:
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"THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!"

TITLE: JLA: Classified (DC).

ISSUE: 28.

CULPRIT: Howard Chaykin (writer).

DISSECTION: The continuity of this issue, from October 2006; is all messed up. I'll let J. Caleb Mozzocco, formerly of Shotgun Reviews, and currently of his own blog "Every Day Is Like Wednesday" explain it better, from a review back in the day at Best Shots@Newsarama:

"There are times where I feel like the wild-eyed scientist predicting some unlikely cataclysm in a disaster movie whom everyone dismisses until it’s too late to do anything but run away from the special effects. That is, I feel like the only person freaking out about something that is just so damn obvious to me, yet the powers that be just don’t seem to notice the problem, let alone give a damn about it.

Case in point: The Howard Chaykin-written “Secret History, Sacred Trust” arc in JLA: Classified, and where it fits in Justice League continuity (See! You’re doing it too! Rolling your eyes, thinking I’ve lost my mind!).

There are a few easy to spot “tells” among the League’s line-up to tell where a particular story featuring them may fall on their fictional timeline—The length of Aquaman’s hair, who’s wearing the Green Lantern ring, whether Batman has an oval on his chest or not. But the tells all conflict here.

For example, this is the Big Seven, so we know we’re talking somewhere between the Justice League: A Midsummer’s Nightmare and “The Obsidian Age,” right?

But Aquaman’s wearing his post-“Obsidian Age” duds, the shark tooth necklace and water hand he sported when Rick Vietch was at the helm of his solo title. This Aquaman wasn’t on the Justice League. Maybe he came back to help out, like in JLA Classified: Cold Steel, you say. Yeah, maybe.

But how do you explain Kyle Rayner being there instead of deep in space, where he headed to after asking John Stewart to take over as the League’s GL right after “Obsidian Age.” Maybe Kyle’s just visiting earth and decided to guest star? Maybe. I suppose J’onn J’onnz, who was on a leave of absence at the time, could also be just visiting, too, huh?

Okay, well if all of that’s true—and it isn’t, because Aquaman’s in the ocean commanding sea life in this story, even though he was unable to do so during the time he wore this costume—there’s one final damning detail. Lex Luthor isn’t President of the United States in this story, the guy who came after Luthor and Pete Ross is president. You know, the guy who looks like he might be Mr. Fantastic’s dad, President Jonathan Horne. But he wasn’t president until after “Identity Crisis,” when the “Countdown to Infinite Crisis” started ramping up, when Kyle was in space, John Stewart was the League’s Lantern, Aquaman wore a shirt and the Trinity was barely speaking.

Put it all together, and this story can’t possibly have happened! Not like this! It’s impossible I tell you, impossible! Don’t look at me like that! I’m not crazy! I’m not! It’s you! You’re all crazy! You’re all crazy but me! (...)"

I had noticed that something didn't quite jive about the JLA's line-up in this storyline; and I was intending to do the research back in the day... then I noticed Caleb had already done it for me. Thanks, man!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"PRISIOÑ BREAK."

TITLE: JSA Classified (DC).

ISSUE: 18.

CULPRIT: Tony Bedard (writer) and/or Ken Lopez (letterer).

DISSECTION: From the same month comes this issue of JSA: Classified, where Bane's birthplace is called "Pena Duro" instead of "Peña Duro".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"HER METABOLISM MAKES HER CHANGE APPEARANCE..."

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 48.

CULPRIT: Francis Manapul (artist).

DISSECTION: Look at the image below; on the left there's Gazelle, as she was introduced in issue #37, and then on the right, as she's presented by Manapul eleven issues later:


Am I the only one who sees the difference? She had been reintroduced in issue #41; as part of the UP's Young Heroes team; and by then she was already changed; but in fact, Manapul's sketches for her as a UPYH member show her closer to her original appearance.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, on issue #41 (I was checking for this dissection) the United Planet's Young Heroes are referred to as the "UPYA". One more for Shooter or the letterer.
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"BOLT OUT OF HERE."

TITLE: Secret Invasion: Inhumans (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Guru eFX (colorist).

DISSECTION: One more time, Black Bolt's hair color is wrong.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"IN (NON) SOVIET RUSSIA, NAMES BELONG TO THE PEOPLE!"

TITLE: She-Hulk V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 35.

CULPRIT: Peter David (writer).

DISSECTION: Russian supersoldiers the Winter Guard face She-Hulk and her friends; comprised classic ruskies Ursa Major, Red Guardian, Crimson Dynamo, and Darkstar (although the latter three in newer incarnations). Ursa Major's first name has always been Mikhail; and on page seventeen, he's called Mikhail; and the current Crimson Dynamo's name is given as Vadim. Yet, on pages 19 and 20, the Dynamo is called Mikhail... first by the Red Guardian, who, granted, could be making a mistake in the heat of a tense moment (even if Dynamo answers to the wrong name); but then by Ursa Major himself, in the unmistakably differently patterned speech bubbles his ursine form has.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. On a side note... apart from all the stars featured in the Winter Guard's costumes (even though the current Russian flag nor their coat of arms has stars; although the red in the costumes do come from the coat of arms)... am I the only one who's curious as to why the Red Guardian has a hammer and sickle on his belt buckle? Moreover, coat of arms apart, why does he sport such a communist codename?
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"KRYPTONIAN TECH?"

TITLE: Superman/Batman (DC).

ISSUE: 29.

CULPRIT: Ethan Van Sciver (penciller).

DISSECTION: Lois Lane's chest; shown in Power Girl proportions in one panel, shrinks to almost flat in the next. Wha?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Oh, this is another book from my Vault.
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"BY ODIN'S DISSECTION!"

TITLE: Thor: Man Of War (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Clay Mann (penciller).

DISSECTION: Check Odin out, and tell me what's out of place:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"WHO SAID WHAT?"

TITLE: The War That Time Forgot (DC).

ISSUE: 07 of 12.

CULPRIT: Sal Cipriano (letterer).

DISSECTION: The dialogues for the Golden Gladiator and Tomahawk are switched around on one page.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"TOUCH ME, SUGAH!"

TITLE: What If? Avengers Disassembled (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Aaron Lopresti (penciller) and/or (but not likely) Chris Sotomayor (colorist).

DISSECTION: Digging into the Vault once more, here's one from January 2007. There's a couple of more dissections; one for the colorist, and one for the writer, but the one I've chosen to focus on is the following: Rogue absorbs the Scarlet Witch's powers by touching her... while still wearing her gloves...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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One more column to go; finished the month of November, so that's something. We had a 7.1 Bazzars average, on twelve dissections; pretty good... or bad, I need to decide that one of these days. Before you leave, please take a look at the Moments Of The Week. For the hors d'œuvre we have:


PAYBACK! Good one, Babs... Then, for the main course:


Ninja skills FTW!!! That's the best print advertisement I've seen in a long time. And finally, for desert, we will enjoy:


Manhattan Crunch, which was actually the second MOT, but we couldn't have cereals as a main course... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!