The Dissector Special #05: Autopsy Awards 2008 Nominations.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

I got your Autopsy Awards nominees right here! The voting will be via e-mail, because that's what I prefer. Send your votes to lordmagnusen at gmail.com, in the following form (each nomination has a code): "W01, A03, C02..."

Some of the awards are not subject to vote, as they are given solely on a numeric basis (most Dissected company, etc), or specially awarded for extraordinary "merit". Of course, the text for each dissection is the original one from when they were published, but I've added new comments for all.

The last two categories are actually about positive things that a comic book company or creator would be proud to win... unlike the other categories. I'm talking about the "Best Quote" and Best Moment awards. Now, the nominees:
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Best Writing Dissection:

There's a lot of nominees for this category, because there were just too many atrocities committed.
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W01-"OUTSOURCING LANTERNS." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENT: This seems minor, but it shows a deep lack of knowledge of the Green Lantern myths... something that might not be important if you're writing GL as part of a larger non-GL Corps team (like the JLA), but it's very important when Green Lantern is one of the two main characters in your story.

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: David Hine (writer).

DISSECTION: Hal Jordan and the Phantom Stranger go to aid Orlan, Green Lantern of Space Sector... 3897?!?!?!?!? Hine, if you wanted to write Green Lantern, you should have done your homework... the Guardians divide the Galaxy into 3600 sectors...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W02-"I AM NOT A CROOK... I'M A KILLER!" (The Dissector #96, 10/23/08)

COMMENT: This is just too much...

TITLE: Two-Face: Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Mark Sable (writer).

DISSECTION: There's several dissections, but the worse one is the fact that Two-Face continues in the run for Gotham City DA; but he can't, he's a wanted criminal. Wanted criminals cannot be candidates in elections.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W03-"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: I'm so at a loss for words on this dissection, that I should just make up a word in English for it...

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
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W04-"Y IS THIS A DISSECTION?" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

TITLE: Y: The Last Man (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Brian K. Vaughan (writer).

DISSECTION: Last one, and also from the vault, 2002 in this case. What's wrong with this sentence from the prologue? "This "gendercide" instantaneously exterminated 48% of the global population, or approximately 29 billion men." Easy, innit?

NOTE: The answer was, of course, that you cannot kill 29 billion men, since there's roughly only over 6 billion people on Earth;

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W05-"THE HELMETS ARE FEELING BLUE." (The Dissector #65, 03/24/08)

COMMENT: Another dissection that shows that you should write what you know... or read up before writing about something you're not familiar with.

TITLE: Teen Titans Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Amy Wolfram (writer).

DISSECTION: The UN Headquarters in NYC have their own, civilian, security force; there's absolutely no deployment of "blue helmet" DPKO (Department Of Peacekeeping Operations) troops inside of it. Then why are DPKO troopers pointing assault rifles and other firearms at Wonder Woman?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W06-"UUUH..." (The Dissector #55, 02/13/08)

COMMENT: This is such a dumb error that it's unbelievable.

TITLE: Countdown To Adventure (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 08 (and previous issues).

CULPRIT: Adam Beechen (writer).

DISSECTION: Starfire and Animal Man are using solar panels to reflect sunlight; solar panels, by definition, absorb solar energy.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W07-"A MATTER OF GRAVITY." (The Dissector #50, 12/02/07)

COMMENTS: Sometimes, you can see why science fiction is so hard, and some writers forget the "science" part too often.

TITLE: X-Men: Emperor Vulcan (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Christopher Yost (writer).

DISSECTION: The Scy'ar Tal, an alien race from which the Shi'ar stole the M'Kraan crystal (in fact, their name used to be M'Kran) have a weapon with which they drop "baby stars" through Shi'ar stargates, and used it to destroy the planet Feather's Edge by dropping one into their orbit. Ooook.... using stars as ammo... I'll let that one pass... But in this issue the X-Men, Starjammers, and Shi'ar find the Scy'ar Tal's "ammo depot", and it's a "solar nursery", with "dozens of stars (...) all in one place"; and starships and space stations can just cruise around, without being pulled into a star or torn apart. Right-y-o.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, I don't care what your technology level is, these are STARS, and I'm pretty sure I've seen the Starjammer's ship being stopped by a tractor beam, so there's no way they could navigate through a maze of stars!
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Best Art Dissection:

Not as many nominees as with the writing dissections; but quite a few. Most are so outrageous you don't even need to actually see the images.
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A01-"RETCON TOKEN!" (The Dissector #95, 10/17/08)

COMMENT: This could be a retcon, but it's so unnecessary and blatant, that it's angering.

TITLE: Venom: Dark Origin (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Angel Medina (penciller).

DISSECTION: Well, this is a big one... so Eddie Brock divorces his wife in this issue. We've seen her in the past issues, and something didn't look right to me... Then I noticed it: Brock's wife (who was briefly She-Venom in a 90s book) was blonde, and white... and in this book she's black!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A02-"CIDADE MARAVILHOSA... NOT!"" (The Dissector #84, 08/13/08)

COMMENT: Good god, it's not like you can't get photos from the web...

TITLE: Casey Blue: Beyond Tomorrow (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Carlo Barbieri (penciller).

DISSECTION: Establishing shot of Sao Paulo... THE CRISTO REDENTOR STATUE WHICH IS ACTUALLY IN RIO DE JANEIRO!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A03-"HEART TO HEART." (The Dissector #78, 07/26/08)

COMMENT: Anatomy is a very important thing you know when you're an artist...

TITLE: Astonishing X-Men Sketchbook Special (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simone Bianchi (penciller).

DISSECTION: A sketch of Cyclops new costume shows an X emblem over the right side of his chest, and a notation that the "X on his heart..." Uhm, Simone, the human heart is to the left of your chest.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A04-"WORFZILLA." (The Dissector #68, 04/07/08)

COMMENT: Klingons are not gigantic...

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 05

CULPRIT: David Messina (artist).

DISSECTION: This was the best issue so far of the IDW TNG comics; even the art was better... but that's probably because apart from David Messina on the art, Gianluigi Gregorini is credited as "art assist"... Still, Messina still draws Worf in a scene as if he was three times larger than a human being. Psst, Dave... he's a Klingon, not the Hulk...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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A05-"IT'S A BFG!" (The Dissector #65, 03/24/08)

TITLE: Teen Titans Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Amy Wolfram (writer).

DISSECTION: Look at the picture below, and you'll see that Kerschl not only neglected to correctly represent the famous sculpture called "Non-Violence" (part of the UN art collection at its headquarters in NYC, and usually called "Knotted Gun"), but he also decided (perhaps writer Amy Wolfram too) to make it gigantic, just so Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl could stand on it and look down at normal people. Not only did they enlarge it; they couldn't even get the shape of the base well, and numerous other details in the sculpture itself.


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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A06-"ANYONE HERE SPEAK FRENCH? OR KRAUT?" (The Dissector #58, 02/28/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 22.

CULPRIT: Eric Trautmann (penciller).

DISSECTION: If (a) Marquis was wanted by the Gestapo, why is the poster in English, instead of French (or even German)?

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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Best Coloring Dissection:

There's one that's bound to win this category with a landslide...
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C01a-"OH NO HE DIDN'T!" (The Dissector #67, 03/27/08)

COMMENT: This one and the next are the same mistake, made two issues in a row, and it's outrageous. Just vote for C01 if you want this one to win.

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Arcas incorrectly colors SUPERMAN'S CAPE SHIELD!!! He colors it as if it was the chest shield, blue and yellow

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Un-for-gi-va-ble.
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C01b-"WELL, IT'S JUST SUPERMAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOT A CLASSIC, RECOGNIZABLE COSTUME." (The Dissector #72, 06/25/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Good God, Arcas! How can you work as a comic book colorist and not know that Superman's CAPE emblem is all yellow, not red and yellow like his chest one?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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C02-"FASHION EMERGENCY." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENTS: This one's weak, but I wanted at least four nominees.

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Reber gives Hal Jordan white boots... ew...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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C03-"YOUNG AND UNTANNED..." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENTS: The whole point of the "All-New" X-Men and the New Mutants after them was the multiethnic origins of the characters; now if you were South American, African, Native American or whatever origin you had, you had a character to "look up to"...

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: José Villarubia (colorist).

DISSECTION: Apart from mistakes in a Spanish name by the writer; Villarubia colors Dani Moonstar (a Native American) and Sunspot (mixed race Brazilian) as having Caucasian skin colors, exactly the same between them, and as Cyclops... To top that, he colors their eyes a very light blue, when they both have brown eyes; and a light blue for Dust, who also has brown eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Come on, coupled with artist Rafa Sandoval making Sunspot seem almost Asian, you can't even tell which characters they're supposed to be unless they tell you...
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C04-"SEE! IT'S NOT EVEN THE SAME GUY ONE MOMENT TO THE OTHER!" (The Dissector #107, 01/14/09)

COMMENTS: It's important to know a character's design before working with him.

TITLE: Countdown: Arena (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Guy Major (colorist).

DISSECTION: Major manages to color Monarch's eyes (incorrectly drawn by McDaniel, see above) blue in one panel, and brown two panels down.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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Best Lettering Dissection:

This category is harder than others, because a lettering error has got to be completely outrageous to be nominated.
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L01-"GOOD GOING, HELENA." (The Dissector #106, 01/13/09)

COMMENTS: Switched speech balloons make for funny or awkward situations sometimes.

TITLE: DC Universe Holiday Special (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer, Huntress story).

DISSECTION: Speech balloons get switched around, making the Huntress ask if a community service program run by herself is "Some sort of retarded helping program or something..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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L02-"WHERE'S WULVERINE AND NIGHTCRUWLER?" (The Dissector #61, 03/21/08)

COMMENT: This one is by far the funniest lettering error I've seen; coupled with the frilly font for such a macho character...

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 495.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Pfft.... look below.


Hahahaha!!!! COLUSSUS!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars
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L03-"TAROT, MISTRESS OF THE MEESTEEKL ARTS!" (The Dissector #51, 12/11/07)

COMMENT: Marshal... pft! I admit, this is probably an initial error on the writer's part, but the letterer should catch it. ("Magick" is not part of the error, by the way.)

TITLE: Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose (BroadSword Comics).

ISSUE: 47.

CULPRIT: Holly Golightly (letterer).

DISSECTION: In page 20, panel one, a witch fights evil with "magick" (you see what I meant about pretentiousness?) and "marshal" art moves. "Marshal"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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L04-"TXTING NORSEMEN." (The Dissector #82, 08/11/08)

COMMENT: Very simple typos, but the end effect was funny.

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer) and/or Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: So, in the 1100s you "plnt" your feet to defend your "communinty"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars each.
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Best Other Dissection:

A hard category, because again, things have to be very blatant, and not even trying hard was I able to find more than three worthy nominees.
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O01-"GUARDIANES DE LA GALAXIA! CON: MARTINEZ, PEREZ, ALVAREZ Y BORGES!" (The Dissector #104 (01/08/09)

COMMENT: Like I say in the dissection itself, it's only fair I come down on Spanish translators as hard as I do on English-speaking writers.

TITLE: Guardianes De La Galaxia (Forum/Marvel, translating Guardians Of The Galaxy V1).

ISSUE: 09 and 12 (same numbering as in US edition).

CULPRIT: Xavi Marturet (translator).

DISSECTION: With not enough dissections in this week to fill the requisite minimum of ten per column; I once more went to my Vault. I found some little gems I had stowed away, to show how it's not just English speaking writers who mess up other languages. One day, I'll write an article on the atrocities that are committed when translating comics to Spanish.

(...) in the middle of an issue, someone refers to the "Belt asteroid" ("asteroide Belt" in Spanish); making it obvious that the translator didn't know what an asteroid belt was. The funniest thing is, that when I went to Google what was Xavi Marturet up to know (his actual name is Javier Marturet); he had blogged about a Final Fantasy fan music video with an Evanescence song. He translated the lyrics to the song himself, and posted them along with the video, because (according to himself) "you don't wanna know the stinkers that pass for translations on the internet, they're horrible". The lyrics translation looks okay, but I hope he's learned what an asteroid belt was in these past 15 years.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars (...). I usually give wrong uses of the Spanish language (or other languages) in English comics 6 or 7; in this case I gave it a higher rating because those are uses of foreign languages to give certain scenes or characters a "flavor"; while what Marturet was doing was translating comics in their entirety to another language, for people to read and understand them, and he didn't even know what an "asteroid belt" was (heck, he couldn't even translate the word "belt" literally)...
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O02-"NEXT, IN A COMPLETELY UNRELATED COMIC!" (The Dissector #85 (08/18/08)

COMMENT: When you hype the next issue of a book, you might want to hype your own book... That very same week, and for another book, the same editors had the "Hot List This Week" and the DC Nation column from the week before.

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 23.

CULPRIT: Adam Schlagman (assistant editor) and Eddie Berganza (editor).

DISSECTION: Not a good week for Adam and Eddie when the last page of books is concerned. The legal indicia and "Next in..." at the end of the book are for Superman #678...

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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O03"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: This one was so big, that it had to be nominated for both categories.

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

What was the worse (or funniest, you decide) thing about this book? That when I got to the end of it, writer Nitz thanked Sergio Aragonés for "keeping it "verdadero""... Was Aragonés (who was born in Spain and grew up in Mexico) drunk? Pulling a prank on Nitz? Getting revenge for Nitz boinking his granddaughter? Because no one who actually knows Spanish would ever translate the issue as this one was... Complete and utter garbage; and the story isn't even up to Blue Beetle standards.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
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O04"WELL, IT STARTS WITH "DYNAM", SO WE GOT HALF RIGHT, DIDN'T WE?" (The Dissector #88, 09/23/08)

COMMENT: This was just sloppy... They've since fixed it, but they never even answered my e-mail... ungrateful sods...

TITLE: Zorro Website (Zorro Productions, Inc.).

ISSUE: N/A.

CULPRIT: Unknown.

DISSECTION: Zorro Productions, Inc., thinks that it's Dynamic Forces that's making the comic, instead of Dynamite Entertainment. I've e-mailed both companies (Zorro and Dynamite), to let them know.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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Best Quote:

Those quotes that make you laugh, or go "wow, that's cool"... there where quite a few to choose from, but here are the very best... according tome, of course.
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Q01-"Yes. I am Tesla and you are all Edison. Which means I'll die penniless & alone in a hotel room while obsessively counting my pubes." Warren Ellis, Backmater, Doktor Sleepless #10. (The Dissector #106, 01/13/09)
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Q02-"I. Am. The. New. God. All is one in Darkseid. This mighty body is my church. When I command your surrender, I speak with three billion voices... When I make a fist to crush your resistance. IT IS WITH THREE BILLION HANDS! When I stare into your eyes and shatter your dreams. And break your heart. IT IS WITH SIX BILLION EYES! NOTHING LIKE DARKSEID HAS EVER COME AMONG YOU: NOTHING WILL AGAIN. I WILL TAKE YOU TO A HELL WITHOUT EXIT OR END. AND THERE I WILL MURDER YOUR SOULS! AND MAKE YOU CRAWL AND BEG! AND DIE! DIE! DIE FOR DARKSEID!" Darkseid and his choir of thralls, Final Crisis #5 (The Dissector #105, 01/09/09)
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Q03-"You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!" Jon Webb, Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #53. (The Dissector #103, 01/07/09)
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Q04-"And Chas, no pressure or nothing, but if I and when I ever get back to London, I'm fully expecting to find the same shit-hole that was there when I left-- and not a pile of smoldering ruins, okay?" John Constantine, Hellblazer Presents: Chas-The Knowledge #5. (The Dissector #100, 12/03/08)
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Q05-"You are ejected from the sliding chute like phlegm from and old sailor's nostril." B.A. Felton, Knights Of The Dinner Table #135. (The Dissector #77, 07/24/08)
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Q06-"We're going to burn it all down. Because this is not the future we were promised. And if we can't have that, then we shouldn't have anything at all." Doktor Sleepless, Doktor Sleepless #6. (The Dissector #70, 05/08/08)
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Q07-"Sweetie, I'll make soup with your knickers!" Random gang-banger, Andrea D #1. (The Dissector #60, 03/10/08)
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Q08-"Come on, everybody! There's got to be an abandoned playing card factory around here somewhere." Joker leading his half of the prisoners of the penal planet, Salvation Run #3. (The Dissector #57, 02/26/08)
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Best Moment:

Moments that leave you speechless, or busting your gut with laughter. Hard to choose just one...
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M01-From The Dissector #94 (10/14/08), Norman Osborn makes good use of public exposure, and then, in private, shows us his plans. NORMAN OSBORN FOR PRESIDENT!



M02-From The Dissector #93 (10/7/08), John Constantine shows us what a white Christmas really means (BTW, that thing he snorts are powdered St. Nicholas' bones...):



M03-From The Dissector #87 (09/16/08), Gordo Sheckberry shows that you can join in on paintball wars even while wheelchair-bound... and with style! Also, this moment is the spark that lights the fuse on B.A.'s involvement in the war:



M04-From The Dissector #75 (07/22/08), Norman Osborn again, in a brilliant scene that shows (in an admittedly cliched way, but brilliant nevertheless) how utterly insane he is:



M05-From The Dissector #73 (07/16/08), the return of Barry Allen!


M06-From The Dissector #69 (04/9/08), a Legion Of Super-Heroes multi-page sappy moment that is, nonetheless, great:



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There you are; I’ll keep voting open for two weeks, or possibly a month, if not enough votes come in the first two weeks. Vote, it is your right, so says…

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #99.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"We're doing steampunk X-Men here. (...) J#### C#####, I'm turning into Alan Moore." Warren Ellis, Astonishing X-Men: Ghost Boxes #1.

If I'm not catching up, at least I'm trying. This is the column for dissections found in books released on 10/29; so, dig it (yes, I've been listening to Isaac Hayes). The Dissect This! was not uncovered by anyone, and it was the fact that Helo gives his rank as private. Private is a Marines Rank, not a Colonial Navy rank; he'd be an ensign in any case... or if he hasn't graduated yet (I think he has, by that issue), a cadet.

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow: Best Book Of The Week was Battlefields: The Night Witches #1; Garth Ennis gives us the start of another good fighter plane epic, this time around in WWII, and based on the Soviet Union's female fighter squadrons. Go read it. Worst Book Of The Week was, once again, Checkmate, this time issue #1. Please come back. Greg Rucka. Dissections, while I send good vibes to Greg so he returns to Checkmate:
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"GOGGLE.COM."

TITLE: Avengers: The Initiative (Marvel).

ISSUE: 18.

CULPRIT: Steve Kurth (penciller).

DISSECTION: Gravity's goggles come and go.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"KRAUTPTAIN AMERRIKA."

TITLE: Captain America Theater of War: Operation Zero-Point (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Charles & Daniel Knauf (writers).

DISSECTION: Dominik checked the Krautsprach of this issue, and found six dissections, for example, this one: "Verdeckt die Ausgänge" is wrong, it’s one of those Babelfish translations of "Cover the exits". "Blockiert die Ausgänge" or "Versperrt die Ausgänge" is what they were going for.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Badge for Dominik, of course.
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"CHECK THIS DISSECTION OUT, MATE!"

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 31.

CULPRIT: Bruce Jones (writer).

DISSECTION: Here, check this out:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"DECIDE WHAT GLOVES TO WEAR, OLLIE."

TITLE: DC Universe: Decisions (DC).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Howard Porter (penciller).

DISSECTION: One of Green Arrow's gloves appears and disappears.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"FIRST DISSECTION OF THE PHANTOM DISSECTOR (NOT)."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 84.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Instead of "War Is Hell: First Flight Of The Phantom Eagle", I called it "War Is Hell: First Flight Phantom Eagle".

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"THIS IS DRIVING ME TO RAGE."

TITLE: Final Crisis: Rage Of The Red Lanterns (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: Salaak again.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"TO-TEM. REPEAT AFTER ME. TO-TEM."

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Ed Benes (penciller).

DISSECTION: Yo, Ed! Quit worrying so much about asses and cleavage, and when a character (Vixen) depends on an object (Tantu Totem) to have powers, draw her wearing it. Now, at some points we can accept she's not wearing it because she's inside the totem itself... but she wears it in some pages, then she doesn't, then she does, then she doesn't...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MAYBE HE MEANT TO WEAR JUST HIS TIGHTS?"

TITLE: Rann/Thanagar Holy War (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 08.

CULPRIT: Ron Lim (penciller) and/or John Kalisz (colorist).

DISSECTION: Animal Man's boots, as every issue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OHNOES! ZOMG! THE SUPERNATURAL!!!"

TITLE: Superman & Batman Vs. Vampires & Werewolves (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 06.

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm sick and tired of writers having Batman (and now Nightwing too) claiming that it's strange to run into vampires and werewolves and other supernatural creatures. They do it every single day, both in their own books, and in team books.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"LOVE GLOVE."

TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 681.

CULPRIT: Renato Guedes (penciller).

DISSECTION: For the billionth time, John Stewart does not wear gloves.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SHE'S A VENTRILOQUIST, MAYBE?"

TITLE: Ultimate Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: Annual 3.

CULPRIT: VC's Cory Petit (letterer).

DISSECTION: Mysterio's police henchman has no arrow pointing to her from her speech ballon in one panel.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ANOTHER ONE?"

TITLE: Ultimate Captain America Annual (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Starkings/Comicraft/Deschesne (letterers).

DISSECTION: King T'Chaka's speech balloon is pointing to M'Baku in one panel.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Well then, we got an average of 6.2 Bazzars in seventeen dissections; good... or bad, I never know. Now, Moments Of The Week; first up we have a lolcat Red Lantern:


No, I did not make it myself, but it's funny. Second, the only thing worth a damn so far in Reign In Hell:


Fragtastic! And finally, Emma Frost is such a bitch:


Hehehehe. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #76.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"*cough*wifebeater." Prodigy (Ritchie Gilmore), on Hank Pym, Avengers: The Initiative #13.

One step closer to being up to date, although there's some stuff in my future work plate that I know will make me fall behind again... unless I can write a column a day... Well, last column's Dissect This! was not found by my readers (granted, I didn't give them much time), but it's the fact that Beast Boy is morphed into some sort of demonic goat with a cape... and he's not a metamorph, just a zoomorph. Not much to say, except to launch the Dissector's Picks Of The Week (this is week 05/21, by the way):

Best Book Of The Week was Amazing Spider-Man V1 #560; just a nice story, even though the art is not my cup of tea. Plus, Mary Jane! Worst Book Of The Week was Checkmate V2 #26, not particularly bad, but unoriginal and boring. Now, go on to them dissections, please.
<-------------------------------->
"CUT PART A AND FOLD INTO PART B."

TITLE: Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 560.

CULPRIT: Marcos Martin (artist) and/or Dan Slott (writer).

DISSECTION: I know Paperdoll's victims end up as paper thin corpses, but everything said in the book confirms that they don't change composition, they don't actually turn into paper, but end up compressed (sort of as Flatman), which makes completely unlikely that a forensic investigator would use a non-medical pair of scissors and a box cutter to do the autopsy.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BATMAN AND THE DISSECTORS!"

TITLE: Batman And The Outsiders V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Carlos Rodríguez (penciller).

DISSECTION: Check this out, it's a hard one this time around:

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BALCK PANTHER."

TITLE: Black Panther V4 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 36.

CULPRIT: Reginald Hudlin (writer) and/or VC's Cory Petit (letterer).

DISSECTION: The word "missile" is spelled as "missle". One of these days I'm going to find out if letterers copy/paste text or retype it...

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar.
<-------------------------------->
"HE MOVES SO FAST, WE CAN NEVER GET A GOOD A GOOD PICTURE OF HIM."

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 13.

CULPRIT: Jerry Ordway (penciller).

DISSECTION: Jay Garrick's chest emblem, as usual, is drawn incorrectly.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CECKMATE."

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Bruce Jones (writer).

DISSECTION: A Venezuelan man yells "JESUCHRISTO!", when it's "Jesucristo".

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"PSIBORG."

TITLE: DC Special: Cyborg (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Mark Sable (writer) and/or Steve Wands (letterer).

DISSECTION: The surname "Pérez" (my own, by the way) is spelled "Peréz", which is, of course, incorrect.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Cyborg's friend, Ron, has brown eyes... then in one page he's got blue eyes.
<-------------------------------->
"FASTER THAN HIS OWN BOOTS!"

TITLE: The Flash V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 240.

CULPRIT: Freddie E. Williams II (artist).

DISSECTION: Jay Garrick's boots are drawn incorrectly, without the wings, and too high.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"NOT EVEN IN HIS OWN TEAM BOOK..."

TITLE: Justice Society Of America V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Dale Eaglesham (penciller).

DISSECTION: Jay's emblem, as usual.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CANARY FASHION."

TITLE: Tangent: Superman's Reign (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 12.

CULPRIT: Jamal Igle (penciller).

DISSECTION: Black Canary's boots are drawn incorrectly. At least they started calling New Earth by its correct name.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BUZZ OFF."

TITLE: X-Factor V4 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 31.

CULPRIT: Peter David (writer) and/or VC's Cory Petit (letterer).

DISSECTION: Rictor calls Arcade a "zañgano", a word that doesn't exist, it's supposed to be "zangano" (as in a drone, in bees). Plus, the "Ñ" is smaller than the rest of the letters to account for the tilde, which is incorrect, it should be the same size.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FUZZY MEMORIES."

TITLE: X-Men: Divided We Stand (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: David Lafuente (artist, "The Sun Also Sets" story).

DISSECTION: Lafuente depicts Surge's memories of the Messiah Complex events, and draws her costume (and hairstyle) different from what she wore back then.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A week with a regular average of 6.4 Bazzars, in thirteen dissections total. Moments Of The Week! Wait... someone else is doing Moments Of The Week, and that's Kirk Warren over at Weekly Crisis. He's been doing them since September 12, 2007, while I started doing Moments Of The Week in December that year... but September 1st, 2007, marks the first time I had the "WTF?/DAYAMN!" moments of the week, which ended up being basically the same thing. So we've been doing this almost for the same amount of time, and some of our MOTs match (including on his first MOT, Black Adam bungee jumping with Yeti entrails), so my hat's off to Kirk.

What's my first MOT this week? Reed Richard's anniversary gift to his wife:

Really Reed? A micro-galaxy with actual, living, sentient beings inside of it? Isn't that a little bit callous? Next, one of my favorite ultimizations of a Marvel character:

Va-va-boom!!!! Agatha Harkness has never looked so good! Now, a mystery revealed:

Batman is not THAT much of a dick... And last... despite the artist making her look like Amy Winehouse, this is a good moment:

"It's magic"? "let me explain to ya"? And she's reading Faust?!?!? That's rich, Dan Slott, very rich. That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #72.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"This job would be a lot easier if it was more like television. I'd find a clue during a special effects montage, and use it to solve the whole case in under an hour. That, and my assistant would be a beautiful woman in a tight sweater." NYPD Crime Scene Investigator, Witchblade #117.

Well, about a month have passed since I last posted a column, and since I started this one, just putting in the Quote Of The Week... and I'll confess that even if for most of that month I've been swamped with work, this past week I just slacked. So let's see if I can finish this column today. Comics in this column were published on the week of 04/23... I still have two more weeks from April, the whole month of May, and three weeks (soon to be four) from June... Catch up time, yet again.

Thanks to Alejandro Castro, aka "Peter Parker", for this shout out about the Incredible Hulk #118 thing. Moving on to business, Matías, from the ICS.net crew discovered the "Dissect This!", at least partially. John Stewart's wearing gloves instead of bracers. His chest emblem is also wrong, Mat didn't spot that, but he still gets the badge. Welcome to the HDSC, Ensign Matías N.! As it's usual with catch-up times, the Dissector's Picks will be as short and sweet as possible. Best Book Of The Week is Everybody's Dead #2, just chockfull of fun and gore. Worst Book Of The Week is Flash Gordon #0, call me old-fashioned, but it's just horrible how they turned Flash Gordon into a manga. Shoo now, dissections time.
<-------------------------------->
"WELL, IT'S JUST SUPERMAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOT A CLASSIC, RECOGNIZABLE COSTUME."

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Good God, Arcas! How can you work as a comic book colorist and not know that Superman's CAPE emblem is all yellow, not red and yellow like his chest one?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, Fire's name is spelled incorrectly, as usual.
<-------------------------------->
"MULTI-EMPLOYMENT, IT EVEN PLAGUES SUPERHEROES"

TITLE: Countdown To Infinite Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Paul Dini (writer).

DISSECTION: Kyle Rayner and Donna Troy decide to team up again, to go around the galaxy, and yadda-yadda... but this does not mesh at all with Kyle's role in GL Corps, where he LIVES in Oa, and works directly for the Guardians as Guy's new partner in the Honor Guard.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Ray Palmer's eyes are colored blue, when they should be brown.
<-------------------------------->
"LIKE I SAID, JUST SUPERMAN."

TITLE: Death Of The New Gods (DC).

ISSUE: 08 of 08.

CULPRIT: Jim Starling (penciller)

DISSECTION: There's no shield on Superman's cape in one panel, or it's too small because it's covered by a small caption box.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"A PROTEAN NAME, IT CHANGES..."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 66.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Just found this one while checking something for another dissection, I talked about "Proteus" (a Marvel character), when I meant "Prometheus", a DC character.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BACK TO THE FUTURE!"

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 20.

CULPRIT: Dwayne McDuffie (writer).

DISSECTION: Flash (Wally West) says he just "came back from the future". Uh... Dwayne, he didn't go to the future...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IGNORING THE CHANGES, OR SAVE?"

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03.

CULPRIT: Mark Paniccia (editor) and/or Nathan Cosby & Jordan D. White (assistant editors).

DISSECTION: Morph is still not acknowledged as Proteus in the recap page.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FACE ME!"

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 04 of 05.

CULPRIT: David Messina (artist).

DISSECTION: PEOPLE WITHOUT FACES!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Picard's eyes should be brown, not green, and there's a panel where Chief O'Brien's hair looks like it's a wig made of yarn...
<-------------------------------->
"MULTI-TASKING ROBOT."

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 04 of 05.

CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writers).

DISSECTION: Data, who is the Enterprise's Operations and Science officer, is ordered by Picard, and makes analysis about tactical situations, which is a job for the Tactical officer (Worf, in this case).

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WHO'S THAT OLD MAN?"

TITLE: Star Trek: New Frontier (IDW).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Leonard O'Grady (colorist).

DISSECTION: Hash's hair is still colored white, when he's blonde.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, not a dissection (but only after careful considering), why does Admiral Shelby (an ADMIRAL) have a Lt. JG as her second in command? As her adjutant, I could see it, but she should at least have a Lt. Cmdr. or a Cmdr. as her first officer.
<-------------------------------->
"DISSECT THE FORCE!"

TITLE: Star Wars: Legacy (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 22.

CULPRIT: Alan Robinson (artist).

DISSECTION: Check this out, besides the simplified figures, what looks wrong?


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OH, SURPRISE!"

TITLE: Superman/Batman (DC).

ISSUE: 47.

CULPRIT: Michael Green & Mike Johnson (writers).

DISSECTION: Superman is surprised to find a government military unit dedicated to defeating him if he goes rogue, when he faced a similar unit not too long ago in one of his own books.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Wow, I'm back with a vengeance! The average Bazzars for this column is 7.6, in 15 dissections, and the highest average since column 31, back in July, 2007. Statistics out of the way, let's go with the Moments Of The Week. First up, the return of a classic:


OMAC! Then, one of the funny moments that make Everybody's Dead book of the week:


Just one word: LOL! Now, Hulk shows us why he's so incredible:


Then, cloning Doomsday is stupid, what's more stupid?


Cloning him and adding kryptonite! And last, an awesome "viking" moment from Thor and Odin:


Damn. That's it for now, until next week, hope to have a new column in a couple of days. I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #67.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"You can call me an "innovator"... You can call me a "child prodigy"... But I don't really know what those words mean." Franklin Richards, Franklin Richards, Franklin Richards: Spring Break.

Aaaaaaaaand.... CAUGHT UP!!! YEAH, BABY, YEAH!!! This is the column for the books published on 03/19, which means that I'm back on schedule. I've gotten such a workout from this catch-up series of columns, that I can make them faster than ever, but still, I'll slow down in future columns and take the time to rant more extensively when things bother me. The Dissect This! for last column was solved (only in part) by Snakebyte, who saw that the map in the UN seal was any but Earth's. Marvel's Earths have a few extra islands, and of course, Atlantis underwater; but the regular continents' shapes are still the same. Also, the general design of the seal was screwed up, apart from the map. But... this was a double DT, and nobody got the second one (I know, I'm not letting you guys breathe between columns), which was that the two seals in the picture... were not the same. The maps were different, for starters.

Now, The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow: Best Book Of The Week goes to Everybody's Dead #1; with a hilarious script by Brian Lynch, and art... well, the art by Dave Crossland was a bit subpar, more suited to a webcomic than something put out by IDW... but at least it was consistent and not just plain BAD as most of the IDW Star Trek book's art is. Worst Book Of The Week goes to World War Hulk Aftersmash: Warbound #4 of 5. Is it bad? No, but it was the most boring thing I read in the week, and this story certainly did not need five issues to be told. The art in the first story is a bit plain, and while the art on the backup tale is good, I really don't feel the need to learn about the Warbound's pasts. That's it then, on to the dissections!
<-------------------------------->
"BLANK WITH FEAR."

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 554.

CULPRIT: Phil Jimenez (penciller).

DISSECTION: First story page, Randall Crowne lacks pupils and irises.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"STRAP IN."

TITLE: Captain America V5 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 36.

CULPRIT: Butch Guice (penciller).

DISSECTION: Yeah, I know... I'm way to nitpicky.... but Captain America's shield straps are drawn incorrectly.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"POWERLESS!"

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Joe Bennett (penciller).

DISSECTION: Vixen is not wearing her Tantu Totem!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, Red Arrow's costume is wrong, and so are Jay Garrick's boots... and Superman's cape shield!!! And of course, Fire's name.
<-------------------------------->
"OH NO HE DIDN'T!"

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Arcas incorrectly colors SUPERMAN'S CAPE SHIELD!!! He colors it as if it was the chest shield, blue and yellow

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Un-for-gi-va-ble.
<-------------------------------->
"GOOD NA-NITE."

TITLE: Countdown To Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Adam Beechen (writer).

DISSECTION: I understand how the Morticoccus virus evolved after infecting Karate Kid... but what the hell is this "Thirty-First century nanites in the virus"... I assume they mean Karate Kid Thirty-First century antibodies, but if they meant the virus itself, it's still wrong, because it's not from the 31st century (or it hasn't been mentioned), and nanites would imply that it's a technovirus.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Tom Chu colors Donna Troy's eyes incorrectly, and Mary marvel's lightning.
<-------------------------------->
"GET IT RIGHT!"

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 52.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Every time I type "Countdown To Final Crisis", I need to make sure I don't write "Infinite Crisis"; and I have dissected myself on the matter in the past; but I just re-checked, and I missed it in column 52. A sign?

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars, and I did it twice.
<-------------------------------->
"WHAT GIVES?"

TITLE: Everybody's Dead (IDW).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Brian Lynch (writer).

DISSECTION: The issue opens with a flyer for a frat Halloween party, stating that men pay ten dollars, and girls are free (costumed girls are "double free", whatever that means, heh). Yet not ten pages later, Jack's girlfriend complains that Aurora got in free. Huh?

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"EYE MACHINA."

TITLE: Ex Machina (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 35.

CULPRIT: Tony Harris (penciller).

DISSECTION: This has got to be one of my favorite books, but it's been slower than a turtle, lately. Still, it hasn't ceased to be a good read. In this case, first dissection I ever find in this comic, in one of Mitch Hundred's flashbacks to his time as "The Great Machine" (actually told by his deputy mayor), his goggle lenses get shattered, and in one panel you can't see his eye, and on the other one you can... it's quite confusing.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SUPER GREEN! LANTERN GREEN!"

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Peter Pantazis (colorist).

DISSECTION: John Stewart's eyes are NOT green! And why does Pantazis get credited as Pete sometimes and as Peter other times? Shouldn't they have some sort of standard?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. I'm just tired of this.
<-------------------------------->
"TEXTBOOK DISSECTION."

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Alan Burnett (writer) and/or Rob Leigh (letterer).

DISSECTION: This is an easy one, tell me what's wrong here:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, guys, the word is "scepter", not "sceptor".
<-------------------------------->
"ZZZZZZZZZT!"

TITLE: Super Friends V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Sholly Fisch (writer).

DISSECTION: I know this is a book aimed at children, and I find it pretty good, even to read it to my own kid. However, being a kids book does not give you a license to write as if for idiots. Amazo, the android who can copy all of the Super Friend's powers, is defeated because they dupe him into duplicating Aquaman's powers, jumping into the water and short-circuiting, because... "everyone knows that water and electrical machines don't mix!" Sholly, even kids have heard about submarines and motor boats.... Not only you're treating kids as morons, but you're swiping a story from the Super Friends cartoon, where Batman defeats ROMAK, the evil computer, with a bucket of water ("The Evil Machines").

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BLACK CELEBRATION."

TITLE: Superman/Batman (DC).

ISSUE: Annual 02.

CULPRIT: Jorge Molina (colorist).

DISSECTION: Superman's emblem in a monitor has the background colored in black. Nice of Joe Kelly to nod to the Silver Age story where Superman loses his powers and becomes Supernova; but he should have changed the name and costume (which looks silly) after 52, with this story being early in their careers, why didn't anybody make any mention of the "original" Supernova during the missing year?

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ONE EARTH."

TITLE: Tangent: Superman's Reign (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 12.

CULPRIT: Dan Jurgens (writer).

DISSECTION: There's a sequence in the "central" DCU, which is labeled as "Earth-1"; but Earth-1 is a different one, this should be New Earth, as there's Earths "New to 51".

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, John Stewart's costume bracers are colored silver.
<-------------------------------->
Well, 21 dissections and an average of 7.1 Bazzars... not that's more like it! Moments Of The Week, now, we start with P.I.M.P.:


Sorry, I meant H.E.R.B.I.E.! Next, fear Spin, a villain who gets his powers from BDSMing an alien!


Disturbing... not as much as that snake a few columns ago, but still... Then, the fight we all want to see:


Place your bets! Mine's on the dragon, of course. And now, Spidey does the unexpected:


He gives JJJ yet another heart attack!!! Now, a funny scene from Everybody's Dead:


The frat's Recording Secretary, Mosby, show's a rival fraternity what it is to stare at a barrel of a gun... or at least, at Megatron's! Next up, Alfred shows his taste in cars:


Heh! Then, the Dibnys return!


I did NOT expect that. And for a finale, somebody gets sliced and diced by a WWI fighter plane!


Guts, it had to be Ennis, and guts! That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #63.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Stuck in that suit for eternity. Wolfram & Hart's cruelest act yet." Lorne, about Wesley, Angel: After The Fall #4.

Welcome to the column on comics published on 02/20; we're that much closer to catching up! That quote up there is another proof of Joss Whedon's ability to (along with his co-writer, Brian Lynch), to make comics read like an episode of one of his TV shows. The DT! from last column was spotted by the Guvnor, who correctly said that Pied Piper's sunglasses were the wrong shape... badge for him!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week for this particular week were pretty simple. Best Book Of The Week goes to Amazing Spider-Man V1 #551. It has it all, action, humor, and even tragedy. Writer Marc Guggenheim (along with the rest of the Spidey-team: Gale, Slott and Wells), know how to write the characters, and while Salvador Larroca's art is not as good as the weeks we get Phil Jimenez, but with the late Stephane Peru's colors, it doesn't look as static or plastic as Larroca's recent X-Men stuff.

The Worst Book Of The Week? Zorro #1; this new incarnation of the character has potential, with a good writer as Matt Wagner and decent art by Francesco Francavilla, however, Wagner tried to revamp Zorro and his take on the character's origin just doesn't cut it. Wasn't it enough for Diego de la Vega to be an aristocrat that feels the pain of the oppressed populace, did he really have to be a half-native kid who goes on a spirit quest sponsored by his medicine woman grandmother, where he meet s a fox which becomes his spirit totem? Was that mystic hullabaloo really necessary for a character as straightforward as Zorro?

On top of that, Wagner felt the need to have every word in ten be in Spanish; even though the book is written in English? I can understand the occasional "Señor" (although they misspell it) or "Señorita"; as well as the obvious "Zorro", but he really takes it too far. At least Wagner makes Diego's mother a member of the geographically correct Tongva or Gabrielite tribe. Ah well, the book is actually good, except for the language thing, and the mystical element, it's worth reading the next issue. That's it for foreplay, onto the dissections!
<-------------------------------->
"SQUEEZE THEM ORANGES!"

TITLE: Batman And The Outsiders V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: Marta Martinez (colorist).

DISSECTION: Grace eyes are not orange; yes, she wears contacts, but not that color. Yes, she could use a different color, but I'm more in line with thinking it's a mistake.

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar.
<-------------------------------->
"HE'S THE WHAT OF A WHAT AND A WHAT?"

TITLE: Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Mark Waid (writer).

DISSECTION: Aquaman is not the son of a surface man and an Atlantean woman.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, all the Atlanteans are missing their fins.
<-------------------------------->
"CHECK MATE."

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 23.

CULPRIT: Greg Rucka (writer) and/or Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: Fire's name, again.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OH, YE GODS!"

TITLE: Countdown To Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Scott Kolins (artist).

DISSECTION: Why do the Greek gods have no pupils? All except one have white, empty orbs. And, can't consider it a dissection; because she wouldn't know, and they could be lying, but the Olympians never gave Mary Marvel her powers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"PLOT MECHANICS."

TITLE: The Flash V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 237.

CULPRIT: Keith Champagne (writer).

DISSECTION: Wally West searches for a job and is told he's under qualified for the positions he applies for, then he whines about not being able to get a job... err... has Champagne forgotten that Wally does know a trade? He is a mechanic, and used to work for the Keystone City Police Department! Yes, I can believe him applying for jobs as a mechanic, or even at the KCPD itself, and getting turned down because... I don't know, lack of available positions, or unreliability (which I doubt since, he probably could finish all his work with a little speed even if he had to disappear for superheroics), but they don't even mention it, and that shows a lack of knowledge of the character you're writer, even if you're a guest scripter.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DID SHE GO TO THAT CLINIC JACKO WENT TO?"

TITLE: Death Of The New Gods (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 08.

CULPRIT: Jeromy Cox (colorist).

DISSECTION: Valkyra, Orion's first wife, is shown as Caucasian-skinned, but she was black (and mother of Vykin, from the Forever People).

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HULK SHRINK!"

TITLE: Hulk V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Ed McGuiness (penciller).

DISSECTION: While Ed McGuiness has a style that fits a hulking character like, well, the Hulk, like a glove; either this new red Hulk shifts sizes between panels; or Ed is making some mistakes. First, each of his fingers is the size of Iron Man's torso, and he carries She-Hulk in his best King Kong impression, but then, it's his whole hand that's the size of Iron Man's torso.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars. BTW, I didn't realize this was V3 before.
<-------------------------------->
"SUICIDE DISSECTION."

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 18.

CULPRIT: Ed Benes (penciller).

DISSECTION: Check this out, tell me what's wrong with this picture:


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. There's also a few other errors, pencilling, writing, and coloring, to a total of five for the whole issue. Still, it was a fun issue all in all.
<-------------------------------->
"I DISBELIEVE!"

TITLE: Superman/Batman (DC).

ISSUE: 46.

CULPRIT: Michael Green & Mike Johnson (writers).

DISSECTION: Really, Batman, who's seen lots of things, who even has enemies with mystical powers, does not believe in magic? Please!

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"REBOOT RANT."

TITLE: Superman Confidential (DC).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: B. Clay Moore (writer), DC editorial.

DISSECTION: Well... I was going to rant about how Superman builds Jimmy Olsen's signal watch, instead of Jimmy himself... but really, I have to accept that DC has decided to throw out all pre-Infinite Crisis continuity and just begin anew; Confidential was supposed to tell "untold stories", but now they're just redoing his past.... I can't consider this a dissection, but I'm just pissed.

If Infinite Crisis was a reboot, just come the fuck out and say it, don't go the Marvel route as they are doing with "X-Men: First Class"! I'll hate the reboot, but I'll eventually learn to live with it (such as people older than me learned to live with Byrne's reboot of Supes). But just say it.

DISSECT-O-METER: N/A.
<-------------------------------->
"MACNETO."

TITLE: The Ultimates V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Jeph Loeb (writer) and/or Richard Starkings (letterer).

DISSECTION: Magneto's name (fake or otherwise) is Erik Lehnsherr, not Eric Lensherr (even in the Ultimate universe).

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SOUR MILK."

TITLE: The Umbrella Academy (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Gerard Way (writer) and/or Gabriel Bá (artist).

DISSECTION: The book ends with Spaceboy making himself a sandwich, and on the table there's a milk carton showing 00.05 as missing; the problem is, he disappeared 20 years ago...

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"YOUNGER WOMAN!"

TITLE: Wonder Girl (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Sanford Greene (penciller).

DISSECTION: Why does Helena Sandsmark look as young as her daughter, and nothing as she should?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACA!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer) and/or Simon Bowland (letterer).

DISSECTION: You know what I think of this book already, so let's get straight to the dissections (plenty of them, and yes, most related to their use of Spanish). The first one is from the first page, while the name Gonzales, ending in "S" is a Portuguese, and not Spanish name, I can allow it, since it's possible there's someone there with Portuguese blood... but the word for "sir" or "mister" in Spanish is "señor"; not "senor".

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. And they do it every single time the word "señor" is called for.
<-------------------------------->
"MOTHER..."

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: "Mother of God" is "Madre DE Dios", not "Madre Dios".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"THIS IS THE LA COLUMNA OF EL DISECTOR!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm sorry, if the comic is in English, and we're reading the dialogues translated from Spanish, why is there a need to have them utter a word every five in Spanish? We get it, it's California from when the Spanish owned it, we don't need you saying "pueblo", "siesta", "alcalde" and "caballero" every damn panel!

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars, it really is a stylistic choice, but it's a bad one.
<-------------------------------->
That's it, 23 dissections, an average of 5.4 Bazzars... lower than I expected. Just two Moments Of The Week this time around; first up, Zatanna casts the spell we all want her to cast on us:


And Batman's answer is great! Next up, Ultimate Wolverine is cold....


Remember Mad's "Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions"? That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

PS: Happy St. Patrick's day!

The Dissector #58.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"I'm Donna Troy, bitch." New Earth Donna Troy to (I suppose) Earth-3 Donna Troy, Countdown To Final Crisis #15.

Welcome to yet another Dissector column, for the comics published on 01/16. Last week's Dissect This! was correctly guessed by Snakebyte over at the ICS.net forums, saying that Doc Samson's hair length is related to his strength, so it would be stupid of him to leave his hair short. A discussion ensued, and I while recognize that this is not the first time Doc is seen with shorter hair after WWH, until it is said, either on panel, or by somebody at Marvel that his strength level no longer depends on the length of his hair, I will consider this a dissection. Snakebyte, take a badge!

The Dissector Picks Of The Week will be, as we're still catching up, short and sweet. Best Book Of The Week Is Booster Gold V2 #6. Great story and dialogue by Geoff Johns and Jeff Katz, and eye-catching, (though not fantastic) art by Dan Jurgens and Norm Rapmund. Plus, the MOT you'll see at the end of the column.

Worse Book Of The Week is Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering #1. Lazy and uninspired plots, sloppy art, even when the writers and artists involved are capable of more (and I talk about all IDW's Star Trek comics so far, you know what I think of them), none of the IDW trek books have stood out so far. I've reached the conclusion that IDW, and the creators involved (my apologies if this not the case) have decided to give this half an effort at best, confident in the knowledge that, as a franchise comic, it will sell a given amount of issues.

On another matter, on this particular issue, even if I can't find a real flaw with the following concept, or I don't understand enough science to find such a flaw, I despise some of the technobabble they've used: "Storing all the Federation's data is an enormous task, essentially a giant data backup. For all the isolinear storage, we've used holodeck technology to construct and extradimensional tesseract. The tesseract-a four dimensional cube-allows us to exponentially increase the size of the archive within the tesseract (...)." Ew... however, I must say that this story did read like a TNG episode... even if it was a boring one.
<-------------------------------->
"MACKEY MOUSE."

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 22.

CULPRIT: Greg Rucka (writer) and/or Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: One of the Mademoiselle Maries is referred to as "Maqui", when it's "Maquis" or even "Maquisard", if you want to refer to a single member of the group. A "maqui" is an evergreen shrub, Aristotelia chilensis, from Chile.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Oh, and of course, Fire's name is spelled wrong again.
<-------------------------------->
"ANYONE HERE SPEAK FRENCH? OR KRAUT?"

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 22.

CULPRIT: Eric Trautmann (penciller).

DISSECTION: If said Maquis was wanted by the Gestapo, why is the poster in English, instead of French (or even German)?

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"GLAMAZONS WITH HIGH HEELS."

TITLE: Countdown To Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Pete Woods and/or Tom Derenick (pencillers).

DISSECTION: I have no idea how tall Holly Robinson is supposed to be, but Harley Quinzel is 5'4", and Mary Batson is 5'6", yet both Holly and Harley are about a head taller than Mary. Even if she's barefoot (which I don't think so, not yet), and they're wearing combat boots (and I think they're just wearing Greek-style sandals), they can't be so tall in comparison with her.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, Jason Todd's clothes are different again.
<-------------------------------->
"I CAN'T SEE!!!"

TITLE: The Flash V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 236.

CULPRIT: Freddie E. Williams II (artist).

DISSECTION: John Stewart's eyes have no pupils or irises in some panels.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DOC SAMSON, "DOC" AS IN THE DWARF FROM SNOWHITE..."

TITLE: Hulk (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Ed McGuiness (penciller).

DISSECTION: From last week's column, in the Dissect This!, the Guvnor correctly spotted (although it wasn't what I was looking for) that the heights are wrong. She-Hulk is supposed to be 6`"7, and Samson 6`6", but she looks a good foot taller than him. Another badge for the Guvnor!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I'M HALF THE GOD I WAS."

TITLE: The Incredible Hercules (Marvel).

ISSUE: 113 (Gods, how I dislike renaming of books, even though I'm enjoying this one).

CULPRIT: Greg Pak & Fred Van Lente (writers).

DISSECTION: Ares says that after Hera killed Herc, Zeus made him a demigod. No, he made him a GOD, Herc was already a demigod, by virtue of his being Zeus son with a mortal woman.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Ares is drawn without pupils or irises, to boot.
<-------------------------------->
"THE WHATCHAMACALLIT FIELD."

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 17.

CULPRIT: Dwayne McDuffie (writer).

DISSECTION: Vixen refers to her powers as originally coming from the "morphogenic" field, the correct word is "morphogenetic".

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, someone indirectly refers to Superman and Wonder Woman as human beings (they're not, or Superman at least is not).
<-------------------------------->
"PRISON DISSECTION."

TITLE: Marvel Comics Presents V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Staz Johnson (penciller, Wrecking Crew story).

DISSECTION: Alright, this one is so easy it's embarrassing:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Oh, and of course, we get USAgent....
<-------------------------------->
"WIL-WHO?"

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer) and/or Tom Orzechowski (letterer).

DISSECTION: Yes, because we so much needed a "New" Exiles book.... by the way, the Wright brothers were Orville and WilbUr, not WilbEr...

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars, it might be a typo, but it's an important historical figure.
<-------------------------------->
"I WENT TO MICHAEL JACKSON'S PLASTIC SURGEON."

TITLE: New Warriors V4 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: Jon Malin (penciller) and Marte Gracia (colorist).

DISSECTION: I can accept that Beak can look "hunkier" after his de-mutation, but Angel, his wife, was definitely of African descent, for God's sake! Now she's barely even mestizo in skin tone, and not remotely African in features!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars, increasing from last time, as it's gotten worse. Some of her kids are still showing signs of being part black. Not that I use "African descent" and "black", because I'm not sure if her black ancestry is from the US, or another part of the world.
<-------------------------------->
"YOUR COSTUME ROCKS!"

TITLE: New X-Men V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 46.

CULPRIT: Humberto Ramos (penciller).

DISSECTION: Rockslide's costume is again drawn incorrectly.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Anole's eyes are also miscolored.
<-------------------------------->
"DOOM-STATUS!"

TITLE: Penance: Relentless (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Paul Jenkins (writer).

DISSECTION: Really, so Iron Man knows that Namor is "in cahoots" with Doom again, and no big deal was made of it in none of the ten bazillion books Tony appears in? Hell, when did they learn Nitro was in Latveria? For that matter, this book presents yet a new flag of Latveria (see below). How many different flags does Latveria have? I can't consider this a dissection, because Latveria probably has a flag for the country (not counting the one from before Doom's rule, and the one from Lucia von Bardas' interim rule), one for the "House of Doom", one for Doom's army, one personal flag for Doom, etc, etc, etc...

But still, in that link above, you can see at the bottom the flag with the fist and the lightning bolts, which was presented as the flag of the country in Marvel Atlas, and while the handbooks are hardly perfect, they must be regarded as Marvel's official information. Personally, I think it should have the armored fist and lightning bolts motif, but a green, red and black design as the one presented in this book, or the first one in the link above.


DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DOOMTV."

TITLE: Penance: Relentless (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 05.

CULPRIT: Paul Jenkins (writer) and/or Paul Gulacy (artist).

DISSECTION: Does Dr. Doom really need to speak to Reed Richards (who's using a state of the art visual phone, like a Star Trek communications screen) with a full TV studio apparatus? I know they want to emphasize that Eastern Europe former communist block to Latveria, but not inside Doom's castle, not in what's supposed to be his private communications suite!

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DOOMBOOM!"

TITLE: Penance: Relentless (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 05.

CULPRIT: Paul Jenkins (writer).

DISSECTION: Doom is warned by one of his underlings that "the American spy satellite" will "detect the presence of fissionable materials" and that if they "lose containment, the Americans will know for certain we are on the verge of developing a full-fledged nuclear facility!". Are we supposed to believe that Dr. Doom did not have nuclear weapons? And that he even needs them?

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Not an error per se, but just poor writing. I expect more of Jenkins, and I miss his Newsarama column.
<-------------------------------->
"THE QUESTION IN THE FINAL FRONTIER."

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: David Messina (artist).

DISSECTION: Why, why must these Star Trek comics come without character faces!!! I understand a faceless figure here and there, if it's lost in the background? But for the only character speaking in a panel?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HUH?"

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writers).

DISSECTION: Now, even if they're inside of a tesseract, why does "the interdimensional nature of the tesseract" cut off "all conventional communications"? Just because it suited the writers? They're inside of a holodeck representation of a data storage array, something that, by definition, requires communication methods to store such data...and why is the tesseract's nature "interdimensional", when at first it was described as "extradimensional"? Make up your minds...

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"LIKE XAVIER."

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Ilaria Traversi (colorist).

DISSECTION: Why are Picard's eyes colored green??!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Come on Ilaria, he's based off a real person!!!!!
<-------------------------------->
"I'M BADASS LIKE THAT, THAT'S WHY I HAVE A BEARD. AND SOME FACIAL HAIR TOO."

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writers).

DISSECTION: Riker (and presumably Data) goes armed to a mission on board of a Federation space station; where no hostile beings were expected. Now, landing parties or away teams are supposed to be armed, but Riker and Data only go to this station for Data to act as an expert in positronic matrix artificial intelligences, and Riker goes with him because... well, he's the first officer or some other reason like that. There's no reason why they should be armed.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
There we go... the average for this week was 6.4 Bazzars, just a regular one... First Moment Of The Week, the Blue & Gold are back together:


Oh yeah! Next up, and not so much of a shocker after a month and half of published, but the secret is out, Angel is now mortal!


Well, it was to be expected if Gunn is a vamp now... That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!