The Dissector #176.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"I've run more tests than you own flimsy outfits, Miss Frost." Doctor Nemesis, X-Men-Curse Of The Mutants: Smoke And Blood.

Well, I'm back on schedule; although a lot of my books for 09/01 haven't arrived yet (and books this week came out on Thursday, not Wednesday, so that might cause a bit more of delay as well). Let's get straight to business, let me tell you that Commander JohnnyDoe of the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps noticed that the school bus in the picture was extraordinarily long, and the size of the kids' heads was the same as the vehicle's wheels.

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow: Best Book Of The Week was Iron Man Legacy... WINO TONY ADVENTURES!!! That's what Fred Van Lente calls the book, and it's a good read every week. Marvel's doing well at offering "between the raindrops" in-continuity, retro, yet not retcon tales of Iron Man. It already offers re-telling of old sagas (Spider-Man & The Secret Wars), other in continuity books that happen "before" current events (like the Astonishing ones), and even completely separate continuities (Ultimate, Marvel Adventures, etc). This book, however, is my favorite of those, because you know I'm a continuity junkie.

Worst Book Of The Week was United Free Worlds #7, published by Fantasy pr0n... err... Fantasy Prone. Beautiful digital paintings on the cover and in the first pages make you think this is going to be, at least, a visually fulfilling book; yet the actual story is drawn very amateurishly, in a horrible version of a 90s Image book, and the dialogue is not any better. Of course, I should have seen the blurb

The Rundown: Avengers: The Children's Crusade (inconsistent credit lettering), Buffy The Vampire Slayer (accented letter), Captain America: Forever Allies (Black Widow's eyes miscolored), G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (word missing in a sentence), JSA All-Stars (Czek language wrong), Secret Six V3 (Deadshot's hair should be black, not brown), Shadowland: Elektra (Elektra's eyes on the cover should be blue, not brown), Taskmaster V2 ("USAgent).
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"DENIZENS OF UNDEAD CITY."

TITLE: Batman Confidential (DC).

ISSUE: 48.

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: What does Kevin VanHook have on DC editors? Because the crap he writes is just awful... What is "denizens of the undead" supposed to be? Not only he is a poor writer, he also doesn't know what the word denizen means.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"RANDI CONFIDENTIAL."

TITLE: Batman Confidential (DC).

ISSUE: 48.

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: First Batman doesn't believe in the supernatural. Then it's Superman, and I believe Green Arrow didn't believe in it in the miniseries that preceded this arc (the in-a-stroke-of-genius-titled "Superman/Batman Vs. Vampires And Werewolves"). And now? Liv, the girl who, knowingly, IS THE GIRLFRIEND OF A VAMPIRE AND HAS BEEN TURNED INTO ONE NOW!!!!!

Really VanHook, you weren't happy ignoring decades of stories starring Batman and Superman, you had to ignore your own work? Within the same story?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"SPIRITUAL? YOU'VE GOT THE RANN PEOPLE, PAL."

TITLE: Guy Gardner: Collateral Damage (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Howard Chaykin (writer).

DISSECTION: Chaykin refers to the Rannians as "nature worshipers, with deeply held personal feelings about faith". Uh? What? They've always been portrayed (until the recent Lady Styx worshipping) as very science/reason based people.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Oh, right, this is old, from December, 2006, and I put it in to fill the quota of ten featured dissections for the column.
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"I, DISSECTION."

TITLE: I, Zombie (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Laura Allred (colorist).

DISSECTION: Supernatural (if you believe in that stuff) DT!


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"SUB-BOLT."

TITLE: Iron Man Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Fred Van Lente (writer).

DISSECTION: WINO TONY ADVENTURES!!! I never tire of that one... Namor says Black Bolt communicates in sub vocal whispers, and while sub vocal speech might or might not produce sound; Black Bolt has always been shown to not speak, and make himself understood by body language. SOMEONE GET THE GUY A VOICE SYNTHETIZER!!! Geez...

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Stephen Strange and Reed Richards get their eyes colored incorrectly, also.
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"IN COMMUNIST RUSSIA..."

TITLE: Origins Of Marvel Comics: X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: James Asmus (writer).

DISSECTION: Colossus is, according to Marvel's current timeline, what, 25 years old? Does that sound right? Peter Parker has been Spidey for 10-12 years, according to Quesada, making him 25-27... he's supposed to be around the same age as Cyclops, Angel and Jean Grey (since Beast is supposed to be older, and Iceman younger, among the original X-Men). Colossus has usually been shown as slightly younger than them (or perhaps that's my impression), and as considerably older than Kitty. Their age difference was somewhere around Kitty being 14 and him being 19 when she was first introduced.

Bear with me, because this is important (to me, not that much for the dissection). She's been shown to have worked as a bartender in Chicago, where the minimum age for such a job is 18. Say that she was 19 then, and that a year has passed since then, she's 20. That would make Colossus 25, so the writer of this origin saying that he began his life "working in his family farm in Communist Russia" is not entirely wrong. That implies this was before 1991, making Piotr start work in the collective farm, known in Russian as "kolkhoz" (or perhaps a completely state-run "sovkhoz"), at what, age 3-4 with menial labor around the house?

We're all good there; he did work under a communist regime; but that phrase is a poor choice, as it implies this is the 1980s Colossus whose family lived in the still-existent USSR. We can let that one slide, as it is a stylistic choice... but what bothered me is the use of the expression "communist Russia". Yes, this WAS Russia, and yes, it was communist... but it's still a misnomer... it's the USSR or Soviet Union... calling it "communist Russia" is "merrikan speak", and a completely non-neutral wording for something that's not being said by a character.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Am I being nitpicky? Hell yeah I am... There are also several mistakes in this and other profiles, writing, pencilling, and coloring. The worst one, at 8 Bazzars, is showing Cable as a baby (five or six months old, with no hair, etc) first infected with the technovirus and taken to the future, instead of a 10-12 months infant with hair, etc, as he was at the time.
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"PROBLEM IS BETWEEN KEYBOARD AND CHAIR."

TITLE: R.E.B.E.L.S. (DC).

ISSUE: 20.

CULPRIT: Tony Bedard (writer).

DISSECTION: Brainiac, cybernetic terror of the galaxy, plugged into Colu's central datacore... needs to use a keyboard to input a password? What?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"OH, IT'S OKAY, PEOPLE HERE ARE ALWAYS UNARMED!"

TITLE: Red Hood: The Lost Days (DC).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Judd Winick (writer).

DISSECTION: Why does Jason Todd assume that British criminals won't be carrying weapons? Judd, you're thinking of most cops within the UK, but why wouldn't the criminals be armed, particularly when they're planning bombings?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Tim Drake's costume in a picture Talia show's him is wrong, also.
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"UNITED WRONG FLAGS."

TITLE: United Free Worlds (Fantasy Prone).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Patrick Blaine (penciller) and Hi-Fi Design (colorist).

DISSECTION: Not only the comic is crap, but the flags outside the UN headquarters are mostly made up.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"YEAH, SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW THE CHARACTER REALLY WELL."

TITLE: X-Men-Curse Of The Mutants: Smoke And Blood (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer).

DISSECTION: This book was lucky I read United Free Worlds, because it would have been Worst Book Of The Week instead. Granted, it wasn't as full of errors, just the one (and not grave scientific errors, like Spurrier's previous X-Club book), but the dialogue and characterization is very, very weak. My problem here is Emma Frost referring to herself as not scientifically minded. Yes, she could be saying that to emphasize her next statement (that she is in charge "minded"), but not only is she very scientifically adept (at least, technologically wise, if not theoretically), but she's also arrogant enough to be prone to rub that in Dr. Nemesis' nose.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. As awful as Spurrier's writing has been in the X-Men (only stuff of his I've read), I'm inclined to believe he just doesn't know that Emma is not a scientific idiot.
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Bit lower than the usual, at a 6.1 Bazzars average in thirty-three (MASONIC ALERT!) dissections. Cover Of The Week is from R.E.B.E.L.S.:


David Finch really channeled Simon Bisley there! The first Moment Of The Week is actually from an older book, a back issue of KODT, but I just got a pile of issues I hadn't read:


D-Day live action roleplaying with soldiers singing Pink? I laughed... Next, Gorilla-Man channels Joey Tribbiani:


Is he coming onto the silverback? Next, Colossus shows us why he really is colossal:


Uhm... is that organic steel? And last, the return (sort of) The Pride:


It's from Iron Man Legacy, so it's in the past, but it's cool to see them. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #175.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

08/04 "Whoa, wait a minute. This is Khund porn? Shouldn't there be some, you know, sex...?" Captain Comet, R.E.B.E.L.S. #19.

08/11 "YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM AS LOUD ASS YA WANT WHILE I KICK YOUR ASS!" Guy Gardner, Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors #1.

08/18 "(Luke Cage) somehow managed to look manly in yellow silk, which just might be his greatest super-power." Iron Fist, Shadowland: Power Man #1.

08/25 "Delphyne, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!" Amadeus Cho, Heroic Age: Prince Of Power #4.

Late? You say I'm late? Well, yes, a tad late, I suppose. But here's the column for THE ENTIRE MONTH OF AUGUST!!!!! You might have guessed that from the quotes, and let's go quickly through the Dissector's Picks Of Each Week:

Week Of 08/04: Best Book Of The Week was R.E.B.E.L.S. #20; good use of Brainiac characters, plus Claude St. Aubin's art is pretty neat. Worst Book Of The Week was Batman Confidential #47, Kevin VanHook's Batman-battles-the-supernatural-yet-doesn't-believe-in-it stories are horrible.

Week Of 08/11: Best Book Of The Week was Tom Strong & The Robots Of Doom #3, just pulpy goodness. Worst Book Of The Week was Superman #702. JMS's "Superman Walks Among Regular Folk" has been done before... and it's boring.

Week Of 08/18: Best Book Of The Week was Darkwing Duck #3, just like the TV show, month after month. Worst Book Of The Week was Uncanny X-Men #527... the story is passable, but Whilce Portacio and Leonard Kirk make Emma Frost seem like a crack whore, and Colossus like a mentally deficient jock. The art is just hideous, I tell you.

Week Of 08/25: Best Book Of The Week was Heroic Age: Prince Of Power, good mixing of regular superhero adventure with godstuff, and humor on top of it. Worst Book Of The Week was Teen Titans #86. Felicia Henderson's writing is bad, and while the art by José Luís is not as awful as previous issues, it still doesn't make up for the plot.

Oh, no one got the DT! last week, it was the fact that the Kents look like they're 40 at most. The Rundown is ginormous, so you can find it here.
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"RING OF ILLUSIONS."

TITLE: Adventure Comics V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 517.

CULPRIT: Kevin Sharpe (penciller).

DISSECTION: Roy alerted me to this one... the flight belts the Legionnaires wear (before their rings) appear and disappear... then Cosmic Boy has a Legion ring, which he wasn't wearing before.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Badge for Roy. So that's a double dissection there, and then in the backup, Atom just takes Calculator to Oracle's base, right in front of Babs; plus in the DC Nation column, Eddie Berganza refers to "the Green Lanterns" as "las Linterna Verde". First, it's "los", if you're talking about the people, the corps members, and not the objects. Second, it's "Linternas Verdes", because it's plural.
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"SILENCE OF THE LAMB."

TITLE: Avengers Academy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03.

CULPRIT: Mike McKone (penciller).

DISSECTION: If Crossbones is supposed to be wearing a muzzle so he can't use his teeth as projectile weapons... why does the thing have enough space for him to actually do that?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. There's also inconsistent lettering in the credits, and Norman Osborn's eyes are colored incorrectly.
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"VE DAY!"

TITLE: DC Universe Legacies (DC).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: Len Wein (writer).

DISSECTION: Lots of time period inconsistencies, but apart from those, they refer to a shot fired the same day as Germany surrendered in WWII as "the last shot of the war"... yet Japan surrendered quite later.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"BAAAA!"

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 174.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Donald313 noticed that last column said "Jim Baleen" instead of "Balent". I corrected it on the column, but I still admit to it. You get trigger happy with the spell checker sometimes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars, and a badge for Donald. Three more and you reach Commander.
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"MACHIAVELLIAN DRACULA!"

TITLE: Ides Of Blood (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 01 of 06.

CULPRIT: Stuart C. Paul (writer).

DISSECTION: While my fellow Uruguayan Christian Duce provides great vampire/roman mood art; writer Stuart C. Paul script throws me out of the story. I understand the need to use linguistic anachronisms in period stories; to better get your point across and connect with the reader. But when the anachronisms in your dialogues go beyond the linguistic and cross into historic things... a story in ancient Rome, with Julius Caesar around, cannot have the word "Machiavellian" or refer to vampires as "dracul"; not several centuries before the birth (let alone work) of the person who inspires the first term, and (even if it's closer) the rise of the order that the second term refers to.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Yes, they're figure of speech, but you have to be careful.
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"UNITED KRAUT NATIONS."

TITLE: Iron Man Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Fred Van Lente (writer).

DISSECTION: This is a good book, Wino Tony Adventures (as Van Lente jokingly refers to it). It's had few errors so far, and in this issue, it was a little slip up. Or a few, but still. Apart from accented letters being smaller than they should, right before Dr. Doom addresses the UN's General Assembly, a translator is translating a speech into German... yet the official languages of the UN, and by extension (if I'm not mistaken, and I did my research), the languages into which things are translated, are Arabic, Chinese, English, French, Russian and Spanish.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. There is also a small
German language mistake, using the German word for "chair" (the piece of furniture) for "chair" as in the chair of a meeting; when there's a specific word for that in German, "Vorsitzender". I snicker when Spanish translation of US stuff think "foreman" is the last name of the head juror in a trial and dub him "Señor Foreman".
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"UNBORN DOOM."

TITLE: Iron Man Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Fred Van Lente (writer).

DISSECTION: Dr. Doom says he communicates with the UN through a "sonogram". Uhm... I'm pretty sure that should be a "hologram".

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"ALL-STAR DISSECTION."

TITLE: JSA All-Stars (DC).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Freddie Williams II (artist).

DISSECTION: Come on, this one is easy.


DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"CRYSTAL METHOD."

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC) / Justice Society Of America V3 (DC).

ISSUE: Various.

CULPRIT: Various.

DISSECTION: David noticed that Mikaal Tomas, the Starman currently in JLA (and in JSA because of the crossover going on right now) used to have a roundish yellow crystal embedded in his chest, but now for some reason it's being drawn sometimes as a giant green rhomboid jewel, and sometimes it's that shape, but yellow. Badge for David, two more and you make Lieutenant!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars... I'll give four to JLA, and three to JSA; I have no energy to go back and identify authors.
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"CRAPOSYNTHESIS."

TITLE: TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 48.

CULPRIT: James Robinson (writer).

DISSECTION: Kryptonians process sunlight, but they don't do "photosynthesis", the use of that term, particularly by a scientist like Mr. Terrific is moronic. Photosynthesis is literally s a process that converts carbon dioxide into organic compounds, especially sugars, using the energy from sunlight.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Dick Grayson's bat emblems are wrong, too.
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"WHAT'S IN THE BOX?"

TITLE: Namor: The First Mutant (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Stuart Moore (writer).

DISSECTION: Now, if this magical chest thingy can only be opened by a ruler of Atlantis... how the fuck did the vampires put Dracula's head inside of it?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. There are other writing languages, specifically the fact that Namor "blesses" fallen Atlantean warriors in Latin... Latin? Oh, and he doesn't believe in vampires... what? And art wise, Namor's eyes are colored incorrectly, and Atlanteans do not have fins in their calves (much less spiked ones), those are DC Atlanteans... I'm willing to cut Ariel Olivetti some slack, since you could argue these are from a subspecies, or those fins are part of their pants (since they're all wearing pants... and no shirts, except the female...).
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"FUCKING MAGNETS, HOW DO THEY WORK?"

TITLE: New Mutants Forever (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer).

DISSECTION: Now, this is as lazy as Green Lantern energy deficits; but older. Magneto has control over magnetism, right? And he's been shown to move or immobilize people by the iron in their blood, right? Among other things, He's lifted submarines, starships, planes, and asteroids, right? Yet he's vexed by a bunch of mercs in non-metallic armor? Even if their armor somehow blocks him from moving the bodies inside, he can impale them with pieces of metal from furniture, the building, etc... reminds me of a cartoon episode where he was attacked and captured by ceramic Sentinels... in the middle of a harbor full of fifty foot yachts...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Lots of more errors: eye colors, saying Nova Roma is in the Andes, an accented letter, "Valkyror" instead of "Valkyrior", being surprised that people with paramilitary gear open fire without mercy, being surprised at the new costumes Ilyana conjures, yet they were wearing them in a picture they were looking at minutes earlier, and saying David Haller is Moira's son... Nine errors in the first issue only? Good start (but it was a good read, though), Chris.
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"THOSE PESKY MEMBERS OF OUR OWN FEDERATION!"

TITLE: Star Trek: Burden Of Knowledge (IDW)

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writers).

DISSECTION: Andorian technicians perform an overhaul on the Enterprise's computer systems, something mandated by Starfleet, done at a UFP starbase. While overhauling the computer systems, the Andorians sabotage them to have a bias about Tellarites. When this is discovered and reverted, McCoy complains that the Andorians "are scott free".

What? The Andorians are part of the United Federation Of Planets, and not "their allies", like Bones say. Yes, this is the TOS era, and it was common to have an all-Vulcan starship in Starfleet (like the USS Intrepid, a curious name for a Vulcan ship), or all-Andorian space stations... but it's not like they're anonymous Andorians that just happened to offer you a computer overhaul in the middle of space, and you accepted because it was cheap and you had a coupon!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"OHNOES! THERE'S NO PLACE TO LAND OUR SUPERTECHNOLOGICAL ALIEN-ENHANCED VTOL AIRCRAFT!"

TITLE: Wolverine: Weapon X (Marvel).

ISSUE: 16.

CULPRIT: Jason Aaron (writer).

DISSECTION: I just picked up the most recent issue because I knew it was a Nightcrawler tribute; and Kurt's one of my favorite X-Men. I liked the story; I really dug what Jason Aaron, the writer, was getting at... however, wasn't there another way to force Logan to make an effort to deliver the piano? Did you need to say there was no airstrip on which to land a Blackbird? X-Men aircraft have been consistently shown as having VTOL capabilities, and they can also hover; being enhanced by Sh'iar technology, and the work of people like Forge.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, Angel's eyes are curiously blank, and Wolverine's eyes are colored brown.
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146=6.4

Even with a hundred and forty six dissections, the average was... well, average, at 6.4 Bazzars. Sorry this column is not as good as usual; not only I've done it in a hurry, but it's also been fragmented and my attention has been crap because on Sunday my cat was killed by the neighbors' dog, and I'm still depressed... But anyhoo, here are the Covers Of Each Week; for the week of 08/04, it's again Darwyn's Cook cover for The Murder Of King Tut:


Next, for the week of 08/11, a nice looking piece from Sky Doll: Lacrima Christy Collection #1, by the book's creators Alessandro Barbucci and Barbara Canepa:


Nothing striking, but the best of that week. From 08/18, the last issue of the regular Star Wars: Legacy series, by co-creator Jan Duursema, and Sean Cooke:


Yes, not one of the best covers ever either, but it's a nice bookend for this series. Good thing there'll be at least one miniseries continuing the story, as I'm more interested in going forward with the story of the Star Wars universe than with exploring its past (unless it's Rebellion or New Republic eras). Last, from 08/25, another nice painting by Whilce Portacio for X-Men Legacy:


I wish he could do this kind of stuff inside the book... Now, Moments Of The Week... first, from 08/04, Lobo flaunts his bling:


Scary... Next, the villain in Metaba... err, S.H.I.E.L.D.?


Why, of course, Isaac Newton! I was hoping it'd be Edison... Now, from the interest "Last Family Of Krypton" mini, Lex being Lex:


Bastard. And from that same book, this is how Kryptonians do make-up sex:


Now, from 08/11, Bart gives the best possible eulogy for Comic Book Guy:


Good one. Next, Tony Stark, fashion disaster:


MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!! And now, why shapeshifters are evil:


MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!! MY SOUL!!! MY SOUL!!! Next, Blade, as played by the Wayans Brothers:


It still made me laugh. From 08/18, things are tough in the sidekick/pilot market, in this economy:


That brought a big smile to my face. Next, the foreshadowing started in Ex Machina #1 was indeed about something gloom:


Gaaaah!!! Over in the UK, Hughie disappoints me:


Stella? A Belgian beer? Yes, it's pretty common over there, but still... Next up, legacy heroes have to be true to their legacy:


Power Man? Check. Cheesy? Check. Speaking of Legacy, my favorite character from Star Wars: Legacy, Antares Draco, goes down in a blaze of glory:


Just as a note, he's not a red-skinned-black-inked Sith; that's just a disguise, this is his usual look, and he actually went down fighting his former master (now a Sith), but this was the cooler moment to show. Next, Spider-Man, nerdgasming:


Like a true schoolgirl of nerdiness. To finish this week, you know who you should not mess with?


That's John Walker, aka the U.S.Agent, now warden of The Raft. You know what happens if you mess with him?


This. Even missing an arm and a leg, he's got superpowers and combat training, you idjits. Now two moments from 08/25, first up, Kirby flashback!


Courtesy of Butch Guice. And last, Amadeus Cho ascends to godhood:


Not quite as I expected he'd look... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #170.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Oh, and it's not a ghost. It's a perturbation of consciousness in a previously unknown incorporeal medium." Dr. Atomic Robo Tesla, about Undead Edison, Atomic Robo And The Revenge Of The Vampire Dimension #4.

Late again, I know, but cut me a break... I'm sad because my vacation is at an end, I go back to work next Monday! Last week's DT! was cracked by David, who earns himself another badge. In the picture I showed, how the hell is Superman carrying Lois Lane? I mean... is she all tensed up, in some sort of super-gymnast pose?!?!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow: Best Book Of The Week was Atomic Robo And The Revenge Of The Vampire Dimension #4... even without any vampires. It features the return of Edison... or the first appearance of Undead Edison (or Undeadison, as I like to call him), and it's the usual perfect mix of humor, pulp, scifi, and just plain good comic book-ery.

Worst Book Of The Week? Heralds #5... last issue of the mini; a story that could have been told in a one-shot, but instead was rammed down our throats one issue a week, and according to Tom Brevoort, the writer and the artists were very ahead in the work, enough to publish it weekly. Yeah... so, apart from the cookie-cutter plot, how do you explain these:



I'll allow for artists not drawing every single face in background characters (but not when one character gets a face, and the one next to that one doesn't), but this is too much. How can those panels be called anything but half-assed? I normally enjoy Kathryn Immonen's work, and Tonci Zonjic's art is good, but this... I don't know. Oh, yeah, I know... it sucks.

The Rundown: Abe Sapien: The Abyssal Plain (translated from "the" Russian?), The Amazing Spider-Man Presents: American Son (Norman's eyes), Angel Negro Especial ("protejer" instead of "proteger"), Astonishing X-Men (Storm's eyes shouldn't be blank if she's not using her powers), Doomwar (wrong military rank for Jim Rhodes), Ghost Projekt (if the Russian characters are talking in Russian, why are they constructing broken sentences?), Invincible Iron Man (Mandarin's eyes should be blue, not green, and why does the obviously Chinese director have green eyes?), Iron Man: Kiss And Kill (Tony Stark drinking booze willingly after he's gone sober? And his middle name is "Edward", not "Edwards"), Joker's Asylum II: Clayface (ridiculous cape and bat ears), Justice League Of America V2 (wrong shape for Alan Scott's lantern), Justice Society Of America V3 (Captain Nazi's medals again, plus they announce JLA #44 for next month), The New Avengers: Luke Cage (Danielle Cage), Prince Of Persia: Before The Sandstorm (accented letter), Spider-Ham 25th Anniversary Special (the cover says "Anniversay"), Thor V1 (accented letters, Wonder Woman V1 (accented letter, and Cassandra Cain acting like she's Stephanie Brown), X-Campus (Caldecott County is not in Georgia, it's in Mississippi; Wolverine's eyes are green in the comic, but blue in the next issue preview), X-Men: Curse Of the Mutants Saga (Weapon Plus was a US project, but Weapon X was an offshoot with US funds, but Canadian management, not just US).
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"ONE, TO, THREE."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 169.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: David noticed that I wrote "two", instead of "to", when I dissected Green Lantern Corps... another badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Snakebyte also noticed that I forgot to put a volume number in LSH for the dissections, then I wrote "Mon-El's detailed" instead of "Mon-El's is detailed"; and I also changed the name of X-Men: Second Coming to "X-Men: Second Calling".
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"IRON MAN: KISS AND DISSECT."

TITLE: Iron Man: Kiss And Kill (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Karl Kesel (writer).

DISSECTION: What's wrong here?


DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Also, why is Tony Stark, even undercover, drinking alcohol willingly, in a story that's obviously set in modern times, when he's sober?
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"MARZAL: OUT OF THIS WORLD."

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (DC).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Paul Levitz (writer).

DISSECTION: Sidney noticed that Tyroc's homeworld is listed as "Marzal", when Marzal is an island on Earth (dimensionally shifted, yes, but still on Earth).

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Badge for Sidney, one more and you make Lt. Commander.
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"IDENTITY CRISIS."

TITLE: The New Avengers V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Stuart Immonen (penciller).

DISSECTION: With Clint Barton in his Hawkeye costume, Immonen decided to add Ronin in there for good measure. Tom Brevoort admitted to the error, and said they tried to remove all Ronin's from the pictures before printing, but they missed one.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"THE FAMOUS VULCAN ELBOW PINCH."

TITLE: Star Trek: Burden Of Knowledge (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writers).

DISSECTION: Spock attempts to render one of the muppet-bird aliens unconscious, but their physiology is not similar to the usual humanoid types. According to Spock "... this race lacks a discernible shoulder necessary for the nerve pinch..." SHOULDER??!?!!? It's the Vulcan NECK pinch!!! (Or nerve pinch, I know.)

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"THIS RADIO HAS STATIC."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 84.

CULPRIT: Felicia D. Henderson (writer).

DISSECTION: Trying to find Raven in a mystical dimension, the Teen Titans need to come up with a plan. Static Shock, who apparently can generate radio waves (plausible), wants to bounce waves all over the area, to find objects that give a "radio ping" different to the dimension's standard. Okay, I can go with that... but why does he need Kid Flash to generate a vortex by moving his hand in circles to make his radio waves travel? And if he can hear radio waves (as he's done in his comics and TV show), why does he need Superboy to fly up and listen to them? Come to think of it, how is Superboy talking to him, trying to tell him something he doesn't want Wonder Girl to hear, if she's less than two meters from Static Shock?

What?

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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What a low average! 5.5 Bazzars in forty-one dissections... pretty low. Okay, let's end this thing quick... Cover Of The Week goes to Flash #3:


By Greg Horn, amazingly, it's not traced porn... or it's a very weird sexual position... Now, Moments Of The Week... first, the kind of stuff I love about Atomic Robo:


UNDEADISON!!! Then, speaking of mad scientists and their descendants:


Not ringing a bell? Well, it seems that Captain Swing (Jonathan Rheinhardt) seems to be an ancestor of Doktor Sleepless (John Reinhardt). There might be a typo in Swing’s name, but I’ll let it slide, as some names are spelled different, specially when someone emigrates to another country. Next, Lobo has some fun;


And great fun it is. But he eventually leaves Earth, and he took a souvenir:


Oh, shit... that's one of the scariest things I've seen in comics in a long time.... Now, from a very off-beat comic I picked up last week, Werewolves Of Montpellier:


It wasn't at all what I expected (I expected French Victorian werewolves, to be honest), but it was entertaining, and it had this very Seinfield moment. And last, while I didn't expect much from X-Campus, I certainly didn't expect this:


Magneto, turned into a tinted-glassed, soul-patched douche.... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #165.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Hank... you don't even think anywhere near the box." Luke Cage, about Hank Pym, Thunderbolts #144.

Bienvenidos to another column, this time for books (mostly) released on 05/26; making it the last May comics column. Last week's DT! was cracked by Sidney, who correctly pointed out that Colossus isn't growing in height and size when he armors up. Welcome to the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps, Ensign Sidney!

Let me tell you what The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are; Best Book Of The Week was Thunderbolts #144... Jeff Parker just gets the characters he's working with, and Luke Cage is a perfect choice for Thunderbolts leader; while Kev Walker's art is a fitting match for the book. The book itself, this issue in particular, is a "building the team" story that doesn't actually feel slow or like not reading an actual worthwhile story when you finish... and let's not talk about the end twist... just check it out later in the Moments Of The Week.

Worst Book Of The Week... well, Teen Titans #83 was pretty bad, with poorly written scenes that are missing dialogues and actions, awful character action choices, poor art (seriously, Superboy looks like Jim Carrey in Dumb And Dumber), and a severe mix-up of speech balloons in one of the most important scenes in the story. But X-Men: Blind Science was also out this week!

Writer Simon Spurrier fails... well, he fails to make me believe he actually pitched this story to an editor and that editor accepted it without blackmail being involved. Not only is the most unnecessary kind of tie-in (the one that happens between two panels in the main story and is an ill-fit, time wise), but it's also one of the worst examples in comic book writing I've seen in a long time. And I read Rock Solid & The Steel Bots or something like that last year...

Is the story premise actually that bad? Well no, besides the fact that it's clichéd and predictable (halfway by the issue I already knew what the twist was), but it has one of the worst characterizations EVER... of a character nobody cares about, admittedly, but still. Dr. Nemesis, you know him? Yeah, I thought you wouldn't... even people who have been reading the X-Men books for the past couple of years might have a hard time remembering him.

He's some kind of mutant scientist that used to belong in Ace Periodicals; and when he lapsed into public domain, Roy Thomas used him in the 1993 Invaders mini-series, where he actually joined a Nazi super team. True story. In a fictitious kind of way, of course. But Matt Fraction decided to use him and retconned (I think it was a retcon) that he was repentant of his activities as a Nazi and had spent his time since the 40s hunting down Nazi scientists and their dangerous creations.

Fraction might have even retconned him into being a mutant; but that's beside the point. His entire characterization in Uncanny X-Men and other x-books he's appeared in as part of the X-Club (the scientific team Hank McCoy put together to reverse the effects of M-Day) has been that of a man with a superiority complex and little patience for "lesser fools", using sarcastic remarks from time to time to set himself apart from his "peers". Let me find examples of similar character... Brainiac 5 in the Legion of Super-Heroes, or Keith Giffen's portrayal of Namor.

What does Spurrier do? He turns him into a caricature, a buffoon that not only bosses people around in a way he doesn't do in his regular appearances (Spurrier doesn't seem to be able to handle sarcasm and a superiority complex at all), but he also "rallies" his "team" with the utterly ridiculous "SCIENCE, HOOOO!" (I'm not kidding you) and talks about his power saying "Science-Gaze sees all, brainfail! There WILL be crotch-punching!" WHAT THE FLYING FUCK???!? Come on, not even counting the glaring science and continuity mistakes (see the dissections in this column), this story is weak, and Spurrier either is a very poor writer, or he hasn't read any of the twenty or so issues of Uncanny X-Men where Dr. Nemesis has been a supporting character (sometimes even taking center-stage, like when they went to the past to get blood samples from his parents).

How much did this comic suck? Well, judge for yourself, when was the last time I wrote so much about one of the Picks, even the Worst Book? That, and I have ABSOLUTELY no kind of interest in Dr. Nemesis, who I believe to be a piss-poor supporting character choice on Fraction's part.

The Rundown: Angel (Spanish language errors), Batman: The Return Of Bruce Wayne (Morrison writes nonsense about Vanishing Point just to make it fit into a needless plot point; "inocent"), Doomwar (Doom's eyes should be brown, not green), Fantastic Four V1 (Artie is mute, yet speaks, Reed Richard's eyes on one of the covers are blue, when he has brown eyes), Ghostbusters: Displaced Aggression (French names accented for no reason), G.I. Joe: Hearts & Minds (Dutch language errors), God Complex ("preformed"), Green Lantern V4 (Hal Jordan's badge), Green Lantern Corps V2 (multiple badge errors, including badges that change shapes between panels, and badges that are ridiculously small), Justice League: Generation Lost (Batman is Dick Grayson, so his costume was wrong last issue, and in this one... Captain Atom's boots keep getting colored incorrectly, and Guy Gardner's eyes are the wrong color too), Justice League: The Rise Of Arsenal (Lian's eyes are the wrong color, Batman's belt and chest emblems are wrong, and his chest emblem changes shape between pages), Lockjaw And The Pet Avengers Unleashed ("all mythical creatures share a telepathic bond..." what?), Robocop (accented letter), Secret Avengers (Beast eyes are wrong on the cover and inside the book, and change between panels, Nova's eyes are visible behind his mask in one cover, the Black Widow's eyes are wrong on that same cover, Ant-Man's hair is colored incorrectly, and there are some mixed up speech balloons), Star Trek Movie Adaptation (Spock's eyes shouldn't be blue, and Chekov not only looks nothing like the actor, he also changes appearances between pages AND panels... it's what you get for working with two pencillers in one issue), Superman: War Of The Supermen (Chris Kent's eyes should be brown), Weapon X Noir ("Trainisia" and "fiancée" shouldn't have an accent on the second "e"), Wonder Woman V3 ("an" instead of "a"), X-Force V3 (gigantic ankle wings for Namor).
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"ECONOMIC SAVIOR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 164.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Donald313, this column's foremost (and as far as I know, only) German reader (no Dom, you're not German, you're Swiss :) noticed I wrote that Saturn Girl saved people from falling "ruble"... I meant pieces of falling masonry, not the declining Russian currency.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. And a badge for Donald, who is only five away from making Commander.
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"SIRENS OF DISSECTION."

TITLE: Gotham City Sirens (DC).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: Tony Bedard (writer).

DISSECTION: Wait, Paul Dini's out already? In any case, what's wrong with the scene below?


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"LET'S CALL ROUGE SQUADRON."

TITLE: Green Hornet: Year One (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: Now, Matt Wagner is either dyslexic, or has monkeys writing for him. Either way, hitting "spell check" in his computer, must be real hard. Non-withstanding the constant rape of the Spanish language in Zorro, he keeps failing at English too. Issue #3 of this comic has "devestated" and "discrace", and there have been numerous cases like that.

This issue, #2 (I got both issues at once), he writes "expantionist", which, on its own, wouldn't be that bad, if you don't consider Wagner's record... AND THE FACT THAT IN THE SAME FUCKING SENTENCE HE WRITES "EMPORER" INSTEAD OF "EMPEROR"!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!! SPELLCHECK THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR SCRIPTS!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, because of the sheer idiocy. There are also Japanese words inside translation brackets... one day I'm going to run into Wagner at a convention and he's going to hire people to beat the crap out of me.
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"CRIMSON DISSECTION."

TITLE: Luna Carmesí (GAS).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Taibox (letterer).

DISSECTION: It's in Spanish, but you can read the second prize winning comic in the 2010 Montevideo Comics contest, by downloading it here, by writer Peter Parker and artist/colorist/letterer Taibox... however, the word "dios"; "god" in Spanish, shouldn't have an accent on the "o".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Roy spotted this one, so he gets a badge.
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"LEGALESE."

TITLE: Peter Parker (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03.

CULPRIT: Bob Gale (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm not in the mood to do extensive legal research, but there's a villain that changes the way people perceive colors, and Michele Gonzales says that she could get him off the hook if she was his lawyer, because "there's no law against disrupting human color perception". I'm pretty sure there are plenty of laws against altering people's perceptions...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Michele and JJJ get their eyes colored incorrectly, too.
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"BY HOLO-CROM!"

TITLE: Star Wars: Invasion - Rescues (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 01 of 06.

CULPRIT: Tom Taylor (writer).

DISSECTION: Pretty crappy comic, both plot and artwise, sadly. In particular, no one is surprised that a Jedi holocron is filled with current information, instead of Jedi lore.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. They also claim it "transmits" information, when it just plays it, and a Bothan looks awful.
<-------------------------------->
"SPLEEN TITANS."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 83.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: There are a few very serious speech balloon mix-ups, with dialogues that should be said by Miss Martian pointing to Wonder Girl, not just once, but several times.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. There are also weirdly written dialogues like "keyhole is leagues" instead of "leagues down" or "leagues under sea"; scenes with missing dialogues or even panels.
<-------------------------------->
"MONKEY SCIENCE."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 83.

CULPRIT: Felicia D. Henderson (writer).

DISSECTION: For some reason, Beast Boy believes that by turning into an ape and using both hands and one of his feet, he'll be able to fix scientific equipment faster and more efficiently than two highly trained scientists... who allow him to do so.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"WE COULD CALL THIS A COMIC BOOK..."

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer).

DISSECTION: Here are several writing dissections on a row (apart from some accented letters), which are so awful, I must detail one by one. First up, Madison Jeffries is NOT a "mechanical telekine"... that is not only a stupid description, but an incorrect one. He is, among other things, an inorganic matter transmuter.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"SCIENTISM!"

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer).

DISSECTION: Mutantism? Really, Simon? In a scientific context?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"GIGA-NANO-WHATEVER."

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer)and/or Paul Davidson (penciller).

DISSECTION: Madison Jeffries holds a mechanical insect the size of a human thumb and calls it a "nano-oscillator"... yeah, that's not really "nano", dude. Don't use "nano" just because it sounds cool.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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"YOU CAN'T LOSE YOUR MUTANT POWERS!"

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer).

DISSECTION: A future Hank McCoy, in what turns out to be a computer simulation, states that he de-mutated, and Dr. Nemesis says that's "bullshit" and "impossible". Yeah, except for THE WHOLE FUCKING M-DAY DEBACLE WHERE OVER 90% OF EARTH'S MUTANT POPULATION LOST THEIR POWERS, THE VERY REASON WHY THE X-MEN RECRUITED YOU TO BE PART OF A SCIENTIFIC TEAM DEDICATED TO REVERSING THAT!!!!!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"MAPQUEST."

TITLE: X-Men Origins: Emma Frost (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Karl Moline (penciller) and Morry Hollowell (colorist)

DISSECTION: What the fuck is up with this map?


There are no British islands! There are peninsulas and other parts of continents that don't exist... and water covering most of southern Asia! Come on guys, you can copy and paste a map onto your art, nobody's going to blame you... particularly when you suck so hard at maps.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
So, this column has an average of 6.4 Bazzars in seventy-eight dissections, pretty standard... there were a few high ratings, but an equal number of really low ones. Cover Of The Week is once again from Amazing Spider-Man, and once again a Lizard cover!


Bachalo and Townsend do a great job, even if I don't much enjoy Bachalo's current sequential style, his covers are top notch. Now, the Moments Of The Week start off with Arsenal:


Wow... just... I'm not going to go into how I've never read about heroine causing hallucinations, because I almost considered this a dissection on JT Krul's part, but then I decided that I couldn't do that because I don't know how the drug is interacting with the painkillers Roy is taking, or with the cybernetic arm he's using (which he's been told is not yet fully calibrated or something like that). Oh, right, I didn't mention it... Roy believes that dead, rotting kitty he's holding is his dead daughter Lian, come back to life... talk about poor writing solely aimed to shock people... Next up, while a kitty dies...


... a half human half Daxamite baby is gestating! And what does The Thing when his stone fists aren't enough for clobberin'?


Vibranium cesti! Speaking of The Thing...


Why does it look like he's getting buttfux0red? And if you like your backside polished:


Get it done mobster style! While we're on the topic of style, who's got the best heavy metal style in the DCU?


The Big Bad Lobo! More Green Lantern fun comes at the fun of the Alpha Lanterns:


Or is that the Borg Collective? Back to Marvel for our last two Moments, what do you get when you've been a member of the two most important superhero teams in the Marvel Universe, and you go back to one of them:


Yeah, you get left out of the statue-style cover to celebrate the heroic age, just like Beast, while a C-lister like Nova gets your spot in the cover! And remember that final twist I mentioned when I was giving Thunderbolts a nice review?


Yeah. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!