The Dissector #170.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Oh, and it's not a ghost. It's a perturbation of consciousness in a previously unknown incorporeal medium." Dr. Atomic Robo Tesla, about Undead Edison, Atomic Robo And The Revenge Of The Vampire Dimension #4.

Late again, I know, but cut me a break... I'm sad because my vacation is at an end, I go back to work next Monday! Last week's DT! was cracked by David, who earns himself another badge. In the picture I showed, how the hell is Superman carrying Lois Lane? I mean... is she all tensed up, in some sort of super-gymnast pose?!?!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow: Best Book Of The Week was Atomic Robo And The Revenge Of The Vampire Dimension #4... even without any vampires. It features the return of Edison... or the first appearance of Undead Edison (or Undeadison, as I like to call him), and it's the usual perfect mix of humor, pulp, scifi, and just plain good comic book-ery.

Worst Book Of The Week? Heralds #5... last issue of the mini; a story that could have been told in a one-shot, but instead was rammed down our throats one issue a week, and according to Tom Brevoort, the writer and the artists were very ahead in the work, enough to publish it weekly. Yeah... so, apart from the cookie-cutter plot, how do you explain these:



I'll allow for artists not drawing every single face in background characters (but not when one character gets a face, and the one next to that one doesn't), but this is too much. How can those panels be called anything but half-assed? I normally enjoy Kathryn Immonen's work, and Tonci Zonjic's art is good, but this... I don't know. Oh, yeah, I know... it sucks.

The Rundown: Abe Sapien: The Abyssal Plain (translated from "the" Russian?), The Amazing Spider-Man Presents: American Son (Norman's eyes), Angel Negro Especial ("protejer" instead of "proteger"), Astonishing X-Men (Storm's eyes shouldn't be blank if she's not using her powers), Doomwar (wrong military rank for Jim Rhodes), Ghost Projekt (if the Russian characters are talking in Russian, why are they constructing broken sentences?), Invincible Iron Man (Mandarin's eyes should be blue, not green, and why does the obviously Chinese director have green eyes?), Iron Man: Kiss And Kill (Tony Stark drinking booze willingly after he's gone sober? And his middle name is "Edward", not "Edwards"), Joker's Asylum II: Clayface (ridiculous cape and bat ears), Justice League Of America V2 (wrong shape for Alan Scott's lantern), Justice Society Of America V3 (Captain Nazi's medals again, plus they announce JLA #44 for next month), The New Avengers: Luke Cage (Danielle Cage), Prince Of Persia: Before The Sandstorm (accented letter), Spider-Ham 25th Anniversary Special (the cover says "Anniversay"), Thor V1 (accented letters, Wonder Woman V1 (accented letter, and Cassandra Cain acting like she's Stephanie Brown), X-Campus (Caldecott County is not in Georgia, it's in Mississippi; Wolverine's eyes are green in the comic, but blue in the next issue preview), X-Men: Curse Of the Mutants Saga (Weapon Plus was a US project, but Weapon X was an offshoot with US funds, but Canadian management, not just US).
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"ONE, TO, THREE."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 169.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: David noticed that I wrote "two", instead of "to", when I dissected Green Lantern Corps... another badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Snakebyte also noticed that I forgot to put a volume number in LSH for the dissections, then I wrote "Mon-El's detailed" instead of "Mon-El's is detailed"; and I also changed the name of X-Men: Second Coming to "X-Men: Second Calling".
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"IRON MAN: KISS AND DISSECT."

TITLE: Iron Man: Kiss And Kill (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Karl Kesel (writer).

DISSECTION: What's wrong here?


DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Also, why is Tony Stark, even undercover, drinking alcohol willingly, in a story that's obviously set in modern times, when he's sober?
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"MARZAL: OUT OF THIS WORLD."

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (DC).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Paul Levitz (writer).

DISSECTION: Sidney noticed that Tyroc's homeworld is listed as "Marzal", when Marzal is an island on Earth (dimensionally shifted, yes, but still on Earth).

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Badge for Sidney, one more and you make Lt. Commander.
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"IDENTITY CRISIS."

TITLE: The New Avengers V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Stuart Immonen (penciller).

DISSECTION: With Clint Barton in his Hawkeye costume, Immonen decided to add Ronin in there for good measure. Tom Brevoort admitted to the error, and said they tried to remove all Ronin's from the pictures before printing, but they missed one.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"THE FAMOUS VULCAN ELBOW PINCH."

TITLE: Star Trek: Burden Of Knowledge (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writers).

DISSECTION: Spock attempts to render one of the muppet-bird aliens unconscious, but their physiology is not similar to the usual humanoid types. According to Spock "... this race lacks a discernible shoulder necessary for the nerve pinch..." SHOULDER??!?!!? It's the Vulcan NECK pinch!!! (Or nerve pinch, I know.)

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"THIS RADIO HAS STATIC."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 84.

CULPRIT: Felicia D. Henderson (writer).

DISSECTION: Trying to find Raven in a mystical dimension, the Teen Titans need to come up with a plan. Static Shock, who apparently can generate radio waves (plausible), wants to bounce waves all over the area, to find objects that give a "radio ping" different to the dimension's standard. Okay, I can go with that... but why does he need Kid Flash to generate a vortex by moving his hand in circles to make his radio waves travel? And if he can hear radio waves (as he's done in his comics and TV show), why does he need Superboy to fly up and listen to them? Come to think of it, how is Superboy talking to him, trying to tell him something he doesn't want Wonder Girl to hear, if she's less than two meters from Static Shock?

What?

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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What a low average! 5.5 Bazzars in forty-one dissections... pretty low. Okay, let's end this thing quick... Cover Of The Week goes to Flash #3:


By Greg Horn, amazingly, it's not traced porn... or it's a very weird sexual position... Now, Moments Of The Week... first, the kind of stuff I love about Atomic Robo:


UNDEADISON!!! Then, speaking of mad scientists and their descendants:


Not ringing a bell? Well, it seems that Captain Swing (Jonathan Rheinhardt) seems to be an ancestor of Doktor Sleepless (John Reinhardt). There might be a typo in Swing’s name, but I’ll let it slide, as some names are spelled different, specially when someone emigrates to another country. Next, Lobo has some fun;


And great fun it is. But he eventually leaves Earth, and he took a souvenir:


Oh, shit... that's one of the scariest things I've seen in comics in a long time.... Now, from a very off-beat comic I picked up last week, Werewolves Of Montpellier:


It wasn't at all what I expected (I expected French Victorian werewolves, to be honest), but it was entertaining, and it had this very Seinfield moment. And last, while I didn't expect much from X-Campus, I certainly didn't expect this:


Magneto, turned into a tinted-glassed, soul-patched douche.... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #165.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Hank... you don't even think anywhere near the box." Luke Cage, about Hank Pym, Thunderbolts #144.

Bienvenidos to another column, this time for books (mostly) released on 05/26; making it the last May comics column. Last week's DT! was cracked by Sidney, who correctly pointed out that Colossus isn't growing in height and size when he armors up. Welcome to the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps, Ensign Sidney!

Let me tell you what The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are; Best Book Of The Week was Thunderbolts #144... Jeff Parker just gets the characters he's working with, and Luke Cage is a perfect choice for Thunderbolts leader; while Kev Walker's art is a fitting match for the book. The book itself, this issue in particular, is a "building the team" story that doesn't actually feel slow or like not reading an actual worthwhile story when you finish... and let's not talk about the end twist... just check it out later in the Moments Of The Week.

Worst Book Of The Week... well, Teen Titans #83 was pretty bad, with poorly written scenes that are missing dialogues and actions, awful character action choices, poor art (seriously, Superboy looks like Jim Carrey in Dumb And Dumber), and a severe mix-up of speech balloons in one of the most important scenes in the story. But X-Men: Blind Science was also out this week!

Writer Simon Spurrier fails... well, he fails to make me believe he actually pitched this story to an editor and that editor accepted it without blackmail being involved. Not only is the most unnecessary kind of tie-in (the one that happens between two panels in the main story and is an ill-fit, time wise), but it's also one of the worst examples in comic book writing I've seen in a long time. And I read Rock Solid & The Steel Bots or something like that last year...

Is the story premise actually that bad? Well no, besides the fact that it's clichéd and predictable (halfway by the issue I already knew what the twist was), but it has one of the worst characterizations EVER... of a character nobody cares about, admittedly, but still. Dr. Nemesis, you know him? Yeah, I thought you wouldn't... even people who have been reading the X-Men books for the past couple of years might have a hard time remembering him.

He's some kind of mutant scientist that used to belong in Ace Periodicals; and when he lapsed into public domain, Roy Thomas used him in the 1993 Invaders mini-series, where he actually joined a Nazi super team. True story. In a fictitious kind of way, of course. But Matt Fraction decided to use him and retconned (I think it was a retcon) that he was repentant of his activities as a Nazi and had spent his time since the 40s hunting down Nazi scientists and their dangerous creations.

Fraction might have even retconned him into being a mutant; but that's beside the point. His entire characterization in Uncanny X-Men and other x-books he's appeared in as part of the X-Club (the scientific team Hank McCoy put together to reverse the effects of M-Day) has been that of a man with a superiority complex and little patience for "lesser fools", using sarcastic remarks from time to time to set himself apart from his "peers". Let me find examples of similar character... Brainiac 5 in the Legion of Super-Heroes, or Keith Giffen's portrayal of Namor.

What does Spurrier do? He turns him into a caricature, a buffoon that not only bosses people around in a way he doesn't do in his regular appearances (Spurrier doesn't seem to be able to handle sarcasm and a superiority complex at all), but he also "rallies" his "team" with the utterly ridiculous "SCIENCE, HOOOO!" (I'm not kidding you) and talks about his power saying "Science-Gaze sees all, brainfail! There WILL be crotch-punching!" WHAT THE FLYING FUCK???!? Come on, not even counting the glaring science and continuity mistakes (see the dissections in this column), this story is weak, and Spurrier either is a very poor writer, or he hasn't read any of the twenty or so issues of Uncanny X-Men where Dr. Nemesis has been a supporting character (sometimes even taking center-stage, like when they went to the past to get blood samples from his parents).

How much did this comic suck? Well, judge for yourself, when was the last time I wrote so much about one of the Picks, even the Worst Book? That, and I have ABSOLUTELY no kind of interest in Dr. Nemesis, who I believe to be a piss-poor supporting character choice on Fraction's part.

The Rundown: Angel (Spanish language errors), Batman: The Return Of Bruce Wayne (Morrison writes nonsense about Vanishing Point just to make it fit into a needless plot point; "inocent"), Doomwar (Doom's eyes should be brown, not green), Fantastic Four V1 (Artie is mute, yet speaks, Reed Richard's eyes on one of the covers are blue, when he has brown eyes), Ghostbusters: Displaced Aggression (French names accented for no reason), G.I. Joe: Hearts & Minds (Dutch language errors), God Complex ("preformed"), Green Lantern V4 (Hal Jordan's badge), Green Lantern Corps V2 (multiple badge errors, including badges that change shapes between panels, and badges that are ridiculously small), Justice League: Generation Lost (Batman is Dick Grayson, so his costume was wrong last issue, and in this one... Captain Atom's boots keep getting colored incorrectly, and Guy Gardner's eyes are the wrong color too), Justice League: The Rise Of Arsenal (Lian's eyes are the wrong color, Batman's belt and chest emblems are wrong, and his chest emblem changes shape between pages), Lockjaw And The Pet Avengers Unleashed ("all mythical creatures share a telepathic bond..." what?), Robocop (accented letter), Secret Avengers (Beast eyes are wrong on the cover and inside the book, and change between panels, Nova's eyes are visible behind his mask in one cover, the Black Widow's eyes are wrong on that same cover, Ant-Man's hair is colored incorrectly, and there are some mixed up speech balloons), Star Trek Movie Adaptation (Spock's eyes shouldn't be blue, and Chekov not only looks nothing like the actor, he also changes appearances between pages AND panels... it's what you get for working with two pencillers in one issue), Superman: War Of The Supermen (Chris Kent's eyes should be brown), Weapon X Noir ("Trainisia" and "fiancée" shouldn't have an accent on the second "e"), Wonder Woman V3 ("an" instead of "a"), X-Force V3 (gigantic ankle wings for Namor).
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"ECONOMIC SAVIOR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 164.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Donald313, this column's foremost (and as far as I know, only) German reader (no Dom, you're not German, you're Swiss :) noticed I wrote that Saturn Girl saved people from falling "ruble"... I meant pieces of falling masonry, not the declining Russian currency.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. And a badge for Donald, who is only five away from making Commander.
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"SIRENS OF DISSECTION."

TITLE: Gotham City Sirens (DC).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: Tony Bedard (writer).

DISSECTION: Wait, Paul Dini's out already? In any case, what's wrong with the scene below?


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"LET'S CALL ROUGE SQUADRON."

TITLE: Green Hornet: Year One (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: Now, Matt Wagner is either dyslexic, or has monkeys writing for him. Either way, hitting "spell check" in his computer, must be real hard. Non-withstanding the constant rape of the Spanish language in Zorro, he keeps failing at English too. Issue #3 of this comic has "devestated" and "discrace", and there have been numerous cases like that.

This issue, #2 (I got both issues at once), he writes "expantionist", which, on its own, wouldn't be that bad, if you don't consider Wagner's record... AND THE FACT THAT IN THE SAME FUCKING SENTENCE HE WRITES "EMPORER" INSTEAD OF "EMPEROR"!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!! SPELLCHECK THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR SCRIPTS!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, because of the sheer idiocy. There are also Japanese words inside translation brackets... one day I'm going to run into Wagner at a convention and he's going to hire people to beat the crap out of me.
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"CRIMSON DISSECTION."

TITLE: Luna Carmesí (GAS).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Taibox (letterer).

DISSECTION: It's in Spanish, but you can read the second prize winning comic in the 2010 Montevideo Comics contest, by downloading it here, by writer Peter Parker and artist/colorist/letterer Taibox... however, the word "dios"; "god" in Spanish, shouldn't have an accent on the "o".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Roy spotted this one, so he gets a badge.
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"LEGALESE."

TITLE: Peter Parker (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03.

CULPRIT: Bob Gale (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm not in the mood to do extensive legal research, but there's a villain that changes the way people perceive colors, and Michele Gonzales says that she could get him off the hook if she was his lawyer, because "there's no law against disrupting human color perception". I'm pretty sure there are plenty of laws against altering people's perceptions...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Michele and JJJ get their eyes colored incorrectly, too.
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"BY HOLO-CROM!"

TITLE: Star Wars: Invasion - Rescues (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 01 of 06.

CULPRIT: Tom Taylor (writer).

DISSECTION: Pretty crappy comic, both plot and artwise, sadly. In particular, no one is surprised that a Jedi holocron is filled with current information, instead of Jedi lore.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. They also claim it "transmits" information, when it just plays it, and a Bothan looks awful.
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"SPLEEN TITANS."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 83.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: There are a few very serious speech balloon mix-ups, with dialogues that should be said by Miss Martian pointing to Wonder Girl, not just once, but several times.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. There are also weirdly written dialogues like "keyhole is leagues" instead of "leagues down" or "leagues under sea"; scenes with missing dialogues or even panels.
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"MONKEY SCIENCE."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 83.

CULPRIT: Felicia D. Henderson (writer).

DISSECTION: For some reason, Beast Boy believes that by turning into an ape and using both hands and one of his feet, he'll be able to fix scientific equipment faster and more efficiently than two highly trained scientists... who allow him to do so.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"WE COULD CALL THIS A COMIC BOOK..."

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer).

DISSECTION: Here are several writing dissections on a row (apart from some accented letters), which are so awful, I must detail one by one. First up, Madison Jeffries is NOT a "mechanical telekine"... that is not only a stupid description, but an incorrect one. He is, among other things, an inorganic matter transmuter.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"SCIENTISM!"

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer).

DISSECTION: Mutantism? Really, Simon? In a scientific context?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"GIGA-NANO-WHATEVER."

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer)and/or Paul Davidson (penciller).

DISSECTION: Madison Jeffries holds a mechanical insect the size of a human thumb and calls it a "nano-oscillator"... yeah, that's not really "nano", dude. Don't use "nano" just because it sounds cool.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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"YOU CAN'T LOSE YOUR MUTANT POWERS!"

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer).

DISSECTION: A future Hank McCoy, in what turns out to be a computer simulation, states that he de-mutated, and Dr. Nemesis says that's "bullshit" and "impossible". Yeah, except for THE WHOLE FUCKING M-DAY DEBACLE WHERE OVER 90% OF EARTH'S MUTANT POPULATION LOST THEIR POWERS, THE VERY REASON WHY THE X-MEN RECRUITED YOU TO BE PART OF A SCIENTIFIC TEAM DEDICATED TO REVERSING THAT!!!!!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"MAPQUEST."

TITLE: X-Men Origins: Emma Frost (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Karl Moline (penciller) and Morry Hollowell (colorist)

DISSECTION: What the fuck is up with this map?


There are no British islands! There are peninsulas and other parts of continents that don't exist... and water covering most of southern Asia! Come on guys, you can copy and paste a map onto your art, nobody's going to blame you... particularly when you suck so hard at maps.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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So, this column has an average of 6.4 Bazzars in seventy-eight dissections, pretty standard... there were a few high ratings, but an equal number of really low ones. Cover Of The Week is once again from Amazing Spider-Man, and once again a Lizard cover!


Bachalo and Townsend do a great job, even if I don't much enjoy Bachalo's current sequential style, his covers are top notch. Now, the Moments Of The Week start off with Arsenal:


Wow... just... I'm not going to go into how I've never read about heroine causing hallucinations, because I almost considered this a dissection on JT Krul's part, but then I decided that I couldn't do that because I don't know how the drug is interacting with the painkillers Roy is taking, or with the cybernetic arm he's using (which he's been told is not yet fully calibrated or something like that). Oh, right, I didn't mention it... Roy believes that dead, rotting kitty he's holding is his dead daughter Lian, come back to life... talk about poor writing solely aimed to shock people... Next up, while a kitty dies...


... a half human half Daxamite baby is gestating! And what does The Thing when his stone fists aren't enough for clobberin'?


Vibranium cesti! Speaking of The Thing...


Why does it look like he's getting buttfux0red? And if you like your backside polished:


Get it done mobster style! While we're on the topic of style, who's got the best heavy metal style in the DCU?


The Big Bad Lobo! More Green Lantern fun comes at the fun of the Alpha Lanterns:


Or is that the Borg Collective? Back to Marvel for our last two Moments, what do you get when you've been a member of the two most important superhero teams in the Marvel Universe, and you go back to one of them:


Yeah, you get left out of the statue-style cover to celebrate the heroic age, just like Beast, while a C-lister like Nova gets your spot in the cover! And remember that final twist I mentioned when I was giving Thunderbolts a nice review?


Yeah. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #155.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Look at them, Glory... 129 new taxpayers all. Officially. Every new citizen is like a tiny Monopoly man with an accent." Hizzoner J. Jonah Jameson, Mayor Of New York, during a US citizen naturalization ceremony, The Amazing Spider-Man #625.

Welcome to the column for comics released on 03/10. Sadly, the DT! from last week wasn't cracked, so I'll have to tell you. The problem with that panel was that Patriot and Black Marvel are lifting what looks to be a 105mm Howitzer M2A1 artillery piece (aka M101 Howitzer), which weights 2260 kg; and if it's another type of howitzer, even more... but neither character has superstrength, or any other superpowers for that matter.

Now, The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow: Best Book Of The Week was The Amazing Spider-Man #625; with good art by Max Fiumara and a touching story by Joe Kelly. What happens is what we all knew would happen, but at least I hoped it wouldn't: the original Rhino's wife is killed by the newcomer, and that leads him to become the Rhino again and blame Spider-Man for all his woes... Worst Book Of The Week was the X-23 one-shot, unappealing art, and an unnecessary and convoluted story.

The Rundown: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (eye colors wrong, including some that change between pages, one name incorrect), American Vampire (ñ and accented letter), Avengers Vs. Atlas (Pym's eyes are not green, and he's not a physicist), Batman (Batman's gloves and chest/belt emblems are wrong, with the chest emblem even changing between pages), Dark Avengers (Norman's eyes), Doctor Who (the Doctor's sonic screwdriver is wrong on the cover), Green Arrow V4 (Ollie's wearing the costume from Smallville on the cover), Green Lantern Corps V2 (assorted badges and rings are wrong), Hulk V3 (Banner's eyes are colored wrong; as are Cyclop's boots), The Incredible Hulk V1 (Banner's eyes), Nation X (for some reason, Wolverine has brown hair and eyes, and Magneto's boots and gauntlets look like they did in the 60s), Nova V4 (accented letter), Siege (Norman's eyes), Spider-Man & The Secret Wars (eye color wrong on Doom and Reed), Spider-Woman V4 (Spider-Man's chest emblem is missing for a page), Supergirl V6 (Matter-Eater Lad's hair is wrong, as are Projectra's gloves; and someone's got blank eyes), Superman 80-Page Giant V2 (Green Arrow's costume is wrong, and why do Clark and Lois have separate single beds?), Titans V2 (Speedy's hat is wrong), X-23 V2 (Jubilee and X-23 get their eyes colored incorrectly), X-Factor Forever (Archangel's eyes are missing, Trish Tilby's eyes should be blue, Master "Meld", and Gammenon The "Gather"), X-Men: Legacy (accented letters). And, of course, your dissections:
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"ALL OF YOUR BASES BELONG TO US."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 154.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: When I meant to say "there are advanced cybernetics technology in the DCU", I missed the word "are". Thanks to Donald313 for spotting that, and badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"SEA PANTHERS."

TITLE: Doomwar (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 06.

CULPRIT: Jonathan Maberry (writer).

DISSECTION: Wakanda, a landlocked country (although it borders with Azania and Kenya through Lake Turkana, formerly Lake Rudolf), is said by the Dora Milaje to have a navy 30,000 strong... What? Numbers, numbers... navies from landlocked countries include the Azerbaijani Navy (2,200 strong), and the Bolivian Naval Force (5,000). Then there's other, more famous navies like the French Navy (with 42,866 soldiers and 7,200 civilians), or the Royal Navy of the UK (42,600 active personnel and 38,510 reserve personnel). Or if you want smaller, or poorer countries, you've got the 42,000 strong Royal Moroccan Navy Force... but Morocco has a large coastline.

Why would Wakanda, a landlocked country which is one of the most advanced (if not the most) country in the planet, and only a tiny lake to sail have a navy almost the same size as the French navy? Lake Turkana (sometimes called the Jade Sea) has little more than a tenth of the surface of Lake Michigan (6,000 square km against 58,000), a little less than half of its average depth (30 meters against 85), and about a third of its maximum depth (109 meters against 281). Yes, some landlocked countries keep part of their navies stationed in ports belonging to other countries; but that doesn't make much sense for Wakanda, a traditionally isolationist nation.

If you want to exaggerate, give them a 5,000 strong navy (like my country's) and arm them with the advanced technology all Wakandan troops have. Thirty thousand is just a random number Maberry pulled out of his head.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. I wanted to give it a higher rating, but it doesn't really affect the story or go against anything already established in continuity... just against common sense. Also, Doom and Nightcrawler have their eyes colored incorrectly. Oh, and I just noticed that colorist Jean-François Beaulieu has his name spelled incorrectly as "Jean-Francois".
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"GREEN WRONGNET."

TITLE: Green Hornet: Year One (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: Oh my... a Dynamite book written by Wagner, lettered by Bowland, and one that includes a character who is not American. Of course it's riddled with mistakes, but not on a Zorro level. I'll list them, anyway:

French: Poorly constructed French dialogue, including "francais" instead of "français", accented letters.

English: "Comprehesion", "compostition", and "emporer".

Japanese (Romanized): "Saumrai".

For fuck's sake, Wagner, you're a good writer, what's this all about?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars each. The art is pretty good, but this doesn't stop penciller Campbell from drawing a mysteriously floating duffel bag resting on Britt's shoulder.
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"HERCULES: DISSECTION OF AN AVENGER."

TITLE: Hercules: Fall of an Avenger (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 02.

CULPRIT: Ariel Olivetti (artist).

DISSECTION: Apart from numerous coloring errors (including giving Amadeus Cho blue eyes), there's this:


Spot it, so commands Zeus!

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. You know what, it's actually a double one, in addition to what you need to spot, Hercules' costume is wrong.
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"SMELL LIKE IRON."

TITLE: L.A. Times Online (or possibly, Diesel).

ISSUE: N/A.

CULPRIT: Unknown.

DISSECTION: It seems that Diesel has launched an Iron Man 2 cologne, based on their "Only The Brave" fragrance. Do they want you to smell like engine oil and vodka?

You know what's funny? The article says the box has early Iron Man comics on it; but those panels are from the current Iron Man title, Invincible Iron Man, and Iron Patriot, Victoria Hand, the Black Widow, and Maria Hill.

Hopefully, the L.A. Times didn't actually have a picture of the box and they made a mock up of it; with the wrong comics. It'd be terrible if Diesel actually stuck Norman Osborn.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. I know I don't usually report stuff that's not on actual comics, with the exception of Wizard Magazine or my own blog... but this was too much to let it slide.
<-------------------------------->
"TO STOP THEM! FAST!"

TITLE: The Torch (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 08.

CULPRIT: Mike Carey (script).

DISSECTION: Ezequiel and Donald313 alerted me to some dissections in this book; a title I dropped after the first issue. Donald313 noticed some wrong German text that's incorrect; in one someone says "Aufhalten Sie! Schnell!". That´s like saying "To stop them! Fast!" It should be "Haltet sie auf!"

Ezequiel, on the other hand, noticed an accented letter that's smaller than it should be, and the Fantastic Four referred to as the "Cuatros Fantásticos", when it should be "Cuatro Fantásticos". I noticed some more dissections, since I took the time to read the issue. There's German text inside translation brackets, and there's another accented letter that's smaller than it should be... when three speech balloons before it's regular-sized. Finally, a character says "That's the Herr Doktor", which obviously has an extra "the".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars each. Badges for both HDSC members.
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"DISCO DAZZLER ROGUE NIGHTCRAWLER PRETTY SAILOR PAINT ME NOW!"

TITLE: X-Men Forever V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Graham Nolan (penciller) and Guillem Mari (colorist).

DISSECTION: Rogue has absorbed Nightcrawler's powers and physical features; leaving Nightcrawler looking human... and with Rogue's powers; which work on anyone but her. When Kurt touches Xavier, both of them are enveloped in a brilliant flash of yellow light, which Jean recognizes as "Rogue's power signature". Since when is Rogue's power signature a Dazzler show?!??!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. There are also several eye colors wrong.
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A 6.4 Bazzars in eighty-four dissections, quite a number of dissections this week. Cover Of The Week stays within the same family, but this time it's by Marko Djurdjevic:


Simple, yet effective, reminiscent of a boxing or wrestling match poster. Now, Moments of The Week, full of Siege... but first, some Blackest Night:


Yeah, that's a Tholian web, and Guy Gardner is a trekkie! Then, old lovers share memories about Hercules:


Northstar? Well, Hercules was an ancient Greek hero... Then, Grant Morrison's acid dreams deliver:


Dwarven pirates in submarines!!! And after these entrées, the Siege main course:


With a beef of "Asgard shattered"...


... a dressing of "you're under arrest"...


... and a side of "you had that one coming". That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

Creator sighting!

Doomwar writer Jonathan Maberry posted on Facebook about the first issue of the book being Book Of The Week: "Glad you enjoyed it, man. I've having a hell of a lot of devious fun writing it. And Scot Eaton is kicking ass with the artwork." Also on the topic of Doomwar #1, alternate cover artist Jelena Djurdjevic clicked on "like" when I told her her cover for the issue was Cover Of The Week.

Thanks, Jonathan and Jelena!

The Dissector #151.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"I leave a lot behind, but never the whisky." John Constantine, Hellblazer #264.

Welcome to this column for comics released on 02/17, which is late, I know. The DT! for this week will have a deadline for next week's column, since we have another column coming out tomorrow. What about last week's DT!? Well, as usual, Lt. Cmdr. JohnnyDoe noticed that Superboy says he's whistling a note so high that not even Wonder Girl should be able to hear. She doesn't have super hearing, and while my friend Kal reminded me that Wonder Woman has enhanced senses, not only I don't think she has supersonic hearing, I don't think Cassie has the same powers. Kal then pointed out that Cassie might have potential higher power levels than Diana, as she is the daughter of Zeus; but still, while she might have the potential for those powers, she hasn't shown them at all.

Let's get on with The Dissector's Picks Of The Week, shall we? Best Book Of The Week was Doomwar #1. While Jonathan Maberry's Black Panther is not excellent, it's readable... but Doomwar? WHAM! Good art, great pacing and story. Just go read it, and you'll guess what I've chosen for Moment Of The Week from that book. Worst Book Of The Week? Outsiders #27. The art's not bad, but the story is b.o.r.i.n.g., I tell you. BTW, there's still time to vote on the 2009 Autopsy Awards, basically because I haven't gotten around to writing up the winners, so your vote can still count.

The Rundown: The Amazing Spider-Man (MJ's eyes are colored wrong), Avengers: The Initiative (Tigra's eyes are colored wrong, then change to their normal color), Avengers Vs. Atlas (Tony Stark's eyes are wrong), Batman: Streets Of Gotham (Batman's gloves are wrong), Black Widow: Deadly Origin (Natasha's eyes are wrong in some parts of the story), Black Widow And The Marvel Girls (Storm has never been a "refugee"), Captain America V1 (accented letters), Doomwar (Ororo and Logan have their eyes colored wrong, Wakandans are holding protest signs in English... AND IT'S WAKANDAN, NOT "WAKANDIAN"), Green Lantern V4 (Hal's badge), Green Lantern Corps V2 (Kilowog's badge, and "Lanterns Light" instead of "Lanterns' Light" in the multiple oath), The Incredible Hulk V1 (Banner's eyes are wrong), Psylocke (wrong eye colors for Matsu'o and Psylocke), Web Of Spider-Man V2 (Man Mountain Marko should have blue eyes, and Ben Reilly's eyes start off green, then change to his normal brown). Dissections now!
<-------------------------------->
"BATDANCE!"

TITLE: Batman (DC).

ISSUE: 696.

CULPRIT: Tony S. Daniel (penciller).

DISSECTION: Look at this, let's start with the DT!, what do you see wrong here?


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Batman's globes are wrong, and Robin's emblem is incorrect, as well.
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"COMMODORE ROBERT APRIL'S FOOL."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 147.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I wrote "Star Trek: Deep Space: Nine Fool's Gold" instead of "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Fool's Gold". Of course, I noticed this while looking at my previous DS9: FG dissections, while writing up the ones in this column.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"SO HOW THIS MAKES HAPPEN?"

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 148.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: A few mistakes in that column: "So, how is a Norseman in the know this 600 years"; "This kind of illiterate moron spells like that"; and I left a couple of the ratings with the comics in The Rundown.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars each, just to be though on myself.
<-------------------------------->
"RORSCHBAT."

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 42.

CULPRIT: Mark Bagley (penciller).

DISSECTION: Batman's chest emblem is wrong when the comic starts, and then changes... into another wrong version.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Batman's belt is also wrong, as well as Hal Jordan's badge, and Ray Palmer's eyes. What's odd is that Hal's badge is wrong on the cover, but almost right (enough to pass as right) inside the book, and both cover and interior art are credited to Mark Bagley.
<-------------------------------->
"COMMANDER OF FIXING STUFF."

TITLE: Star Trek: Deep Space: Nine Fool's Gold (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: David Messina (alternate cover artist).

DISSECTION: Messina gives Chief O'Brien the rank insignia of a Commander, when he's a Chief Petty Officer, and no matter how messed up O'Brien's rank insignia history has been, this is a hell of a mistake.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Oddly enough, I just realized that while the book is identified with its full name in the legal indicia, solicitations, and websites, but on the actual book covers it's only "Star Trek" large on one line, and "Deep Space Nine" smaller below it. Odd, isn't it? They're not doing that with ST: TNG: Ghosts, and I don't remember them doing it with previous TNG minis.
<-------------------------------->
"MOONLIGHTING."

TITLE: Star Trek: Deep Space: Nine Fool's Gold (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: Fabio Mantovani & Davide Amici (colorists).

DISSECTION: I know DS9 is sometimes shorthanded, but why is there a blue-uniformed science or medical Starfleet crewmember working security?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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This column has a 6.9 Bazzars in a total of thirty four dissections. High, kinda. Now, let's get this over, first we've got the Cover Of The Week, Doomwar #1, by Jelena Djurdjevic.


Great piece in this series of celebration of Marvel’s 70th anniversary, nice to see 80s Storm in a modern light. Now, Moments Of The Week, first up, hiring process in Tesladyne:


Remain Calm, Trust In Science. Of course, the other applicant got killed by the vampires. Next, more Doomwar:


You. Do. Not. Fuck. With. The. Wakandan. Royal. Family. Also, you don't mess with Spidey's home:


Badass. I think NYC is as much as part of Spider-Man as Gotham is part of Batman. And last, in every Earth, he's an addict:


Selling everything for bubblegum? Speedy, you've got a problem. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!