The Dissector

The Dissector #63.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Stuck in that suit for eternity. Wolfram & Hart's cruelest act yet." Lorne, about Wesley, Angel: After The Fall #4.

Welcome to the column on comics published on 02/20; we're that much closer to catching up! That quote up there is another proof of Joss Whedon's ability to (along with his co-writer, Brian Lynch), to make comics read like an episode of one of his TV shows. The DT! from last column was spotted by the Guvnor, who correctly said that Pied Piper's sunglasses were the wrong shape... badge for him!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week for this particular week were pretty simple. Best Book Of The Week goes to Amazing Spider-Man V1 #551. It has it all, action, humor, and even tragedy. Writer Marc Guggenheim (along with the rest of the Spidey-team: Gale, Slott and Wells), know how to write the characters, and while Salvador Larroca's art is not as good as the weeks we get Phil Jimenez, but with the late Stephane Peru's colors, it doesn't look as static or plastic as Larroca's recent X-Men stuff.

The Worst Book Of The Week? Zorro #1; this new incarnation of the character has potential, with a good writer as Matt Wagner and decent art by Francesco Francavilla, however, Wagner tried to revamp Zorro and his take on the character's origin just doesn't cut it. Wasn't it enough for Diego de la Vega to be an aristocrat that feels the pain of the oppressed populace, did he really have to be a half-native kid who goes on a spirit quest sponsored by his medicine woman grandmother, where he meet s a fox which becomes his spirit totem? Was that mystic hullabaloo really necessary for a character as straightforward as Zorro?

On top of that, Wagner felt the need to have every word in ten be in Spanish; even though the book is written in English? I can understand the occasional "Señor" (although they misspell it) or "Señorita"; as well as the obvious "Zorro", but he really takes it too far. At least Wagner makes Diego's mother a member of the geographically correct Tongva or Gabrielite tribe. Ah well, the book is actually good, except for the language thing, and the mystical element, it's worth reading the next issue. That's it for foreplay, onto the dissections!
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"SQUEEZE THEM ORANGES!"

TITLE: Batman And The Outsiders V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: Marta Martinez (colorist).

DISSECTION: Grace eyes are not orange; yes, she wears contacts, but not that color. Yes, she could use a different color, but I'm more in line with thinking it's a mistake.

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar.
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"HE'S THE WHAT OF A WHAT AND A WHAT?"

TITLE: Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Mark Waid (writer).

DISSECTION: Aquaman is not the son of a surface man and an Atlantean woman.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, all the Atlanteans are missing their fins.
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"CHECK MATE."

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 23.

CULPRIT: Greg Rucka (writer) and/or Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: Fire's name, again.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"OH, YE GODS!"

TITLE: Countdown To Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Scott Kolins (artist).

DISSECTION: Why do the Greek gods have no pupils? All except one have white, empty orbs. And, can't consider it a dissection; because she wouldn't know, and they could be lying, but the Olympians never gave Mary Marvel her powers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"PLOT MECHANICS."

TITLE: The Flash V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 237.

CULPRIT: Keith Champagne (writer).

DISSECTION: Wally West searches for a job and is told he's under qualified for the positions he applies for, then he whines about not being able to get a job... err... has Champagne forgotten that Wally does know a trade? He is a mechanic, and used to work for the Keystone City Police Department! Yes, I can believe him applying for jobs as a mechanic, or even at the KCPD itself, and getting turned down because... I don't know, lack of available positions, or unreliability (which I doubt since, he probably could finish all his work with a little speed even if he had to disappear for superheroics), but they don't even mention it, and that shows a lack of knowledge of the character you're writer, even if you're a guest scripter.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"DID SHE GO TO THAT CLINIC JACKO WENT TO?"

TITLE: Death Of The New Gods (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 08.

CULPRIT: Jeromy Cox (colorist).

DISSECTION: Valkyra, Orion's first wife, is shown as Caucasian-skinned, but she was black (and mother of Vykin, from the Forever People).

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"HULK SHRINK!"

TITLE: Hulk V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Ed McGuiness (penciller).

DISSECTION: While Ed McGuiness has a style that fits a hulking character like, well, the Hulk, like a glove; either this new red Hulk shifts sizes between panels; or Ed is making some mistakes. First, each of his fingers is the size of Iron Man's torso, and he carries She-Hulk in his best King Kong impression, but then, it's his whole hand that's the size of Iron Man's torso.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars. BTW, I didn't realize this was V3 before.
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"SUICIDE DISSECTION."

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 18.

CULPRIT: Ed Benes (penciller).

DISSECTION: Check this out, tell me what's wrong with this picture:


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. There's also a few other errors, pencilling, writing, and coloring, to a total of five for the whole issue. Still, it was a fun issue all in all.
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"I DISBELIEVE!"

TITLE: Superman/Batman (DC).

ISSUE: 46.

CULPRIT: Michael Green & Mike Johnson (writers).

DISSECTION: Really, Batman, who's seen lots of things, who even has enemies with mystical powers, does not believe in magic? Please!

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"REBOOT RANT."

TITLE: Superman Confidential (DC).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: B. Clay Moore (writer), DC editorial.

DISSECTION: Well... I was going to rant about how Superman builds Jimmy Olsen's signal watch, instead of Jimmy himself... but really, I have to accept that DC has decided to throw out all pre-Infinite Crisis continuity and just begin anew; Confidential was supposed to tell "untold stories", but now they're just redoing his past.... I can't consider this a dissection, but I'm just pissed.

If Infinite Crisis was a reboot, just come the fuck out and say it, don't go the Marvel route as they are doing with "X-Men: First Class"! I'll hate the reboot, but I'll eventually learn to live with it (such as people older than me learned to live with Byrne's reboot of Supes). But just say it.

DISSECT-O-METER: N/A.
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"MACNETO."

TITLE: The Ultimates V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Jeph Loeb (writer) and/or Richard Starkings (letterer).

DISSECTION: Magneto's name (fake or otherwise) is Erik Lehnsherr, not Eric Lensherr (even in the Ultimate universe).

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"SOUR MILK."

TITLE: The Umbrella Academy (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Gerard Way (writer) and/or Gabriel Bá (artist).

DISSECTION: The book ends with Spaceboy making himself a sandwich, and on the table there's a milk carton showing 00.05 as missing; the problem is, he disappeared 20 years ago...

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"YOUNGER WOMAN!"

TITLE: Wonder Girl (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Sanford Greene (penciller).

DISSECTION: Why does Helena Sandsmark look as young as her daughter, and nothing as she should?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"ÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACA!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer) and/or Simon Bowland (letterer).

DISSECTION: You know what I think of this book already, so let's get straight to the dissections (plenty of them, and yes, most related to their use of Spanish). The first one is from the first page, while the name Gonzales, ending in "S" is a Portuguese, and not Spanish name, I can allow it, since it's possible there's someone there with Portuguese blood... but the word for "sir" or "mister" in Spanish is "señor"; not "senor".

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. And they do it every single time the word "señor" is called for.
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"MOTHER..."

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: "Mother of God" is "Madre DE Dios", not "Madre Dios".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"THIS IS THE LA COLUMNA OF EL DISECTOR!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm sorry, if the comic is in English, and we're reading the dialogues translated from Spanish, why is there a need to have them utter a word every five in Spanish? We get it, it's California from when the Spanish owned it, we don't need you saying "pueblo", "siesta", "alcalde" and "caballero" every damn panel!

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars, it really is a stylistic choice, but it's a bad one.
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That's it, 23 dissections, an average of 5.4 Bazzars... lower than I expected. Just two Moments Of The Week this time around; first up, Zatanna casts the spell we all want her to cast on us:


And Batman's answer is great! Next up, Ultimate Wolverine is cold....


Remember Mad's "Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions"? That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

PS: Happy St. Patrick's day!