The Dissector

The Dissector Special #05: Autopsy Awards 2008 Nominations.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

I got your Autopsy Awards nominees right here! The voting will be via e-mail, because that's what I prefer. Send your votes to lordmagnusen at gmail.com, in the following form (each nomination has a code): "W01, A03, C02..."

Some of the awards are not subject to vote, as they are given solely on a numeric basis (most Dissected company, etc), or specially awarded for extraordinary "merit". Of course, the text for each dissection is the original one from when they were published, but I've added new comments for all.

The last two categories are actually about positive things that a comic book company or creator would be proud to win... unlike the other categories. I'm talking about the "Best Quote" and Best Moment awards. Now, the nominees:
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Best Writing Dissection:

There's a lot of nominees for this category, because there were just too many atrocities committed.
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W01-"OUTSOURCING LANTERNS." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENT: This seems minor, but it shows a deep lack of knowledge of the Green Lantern myths... something that might not be important if you're writing GL as part of a larger non-GL Corps team (like the JLA), but it's very important when Green Lantern is one of the two main characters in your story.

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: David Hine (writer).

DISSECTION: Hal Jordan and the Phantom Stranger go to aid Orlan, Green Lantern of Space Sector... 3897?!?!?!?!? Hine, if you wanted to write Green Lantern, you should have done your homework... the Guardians divide the Galaxy into 3600 sectors...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W02-"I AM NOT A CROOK... I'M A KILLER!" (The Dissector #96, 10/23/08)

COMMENT: This is just too much...

TITLE: Two-Face: Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Mark Sable (writer).

DISSECTION: There's several dissections, but the worse one is the fact that Two-Face continues in the run for Gotham City DA; but he can't, he's a wanted criminal. Wanted criminals cannot be candidates in elections.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W03-"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: I'm so at a loss for words on this dissection, that I should just make up a word in English for it...

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
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W04-"Y IS THIS A DISSECTION?" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

TITLE: Y: The Last Man (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Brian K. Vaughan (writer).

DISSECTION: Last one, and also from the vault, 2002 in this case. What's wrong with this sentence from the prologue? "This "gendercide" instantaneously exterminated 48% of the global population, or approximately 29 billion men." Easy, innit?

NOTE: The answer was, of course, that you cannot kill 29 billion men, since there's roughly only over 6 billion people on Earth;

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W05-"THE HELMETS ARE FEELING BLUE." (The Dissector #65, 03/24/08)

COMMENT: Another dissection that shows that you should write what you know... or read up before writing about something you're not familiar with.

TITLE: Teen Titans Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Amy Wolfram (writer).

DISSECTION: The UN Headquarters in NYC have their own, civilian, security force; there's absolutely no deployment of "blue helmet" DPKO (Department Of Peacekeeping Operations) troops inside of it. Then why are DPKO troopers pointing assault rifles and other firearms at Wonder Woman?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W06-"UUUH..." (The Dissector #55, 02/13/08)

COMMENT: This is such a dumb error that it's unbelievable.

TITLE: Countdown To Adventure (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 08 (and previous issues).

CULPRIT: Adam Beechen (writer).

DISSECTION: Starfire and Animal Man are using solar panels to reflect sunlight; solar panels, by definition, absorb solar energy.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W07-"A MATTER OF GRAVITY." (The Dissector #50, 12/02/07)

COMMENTS: Sometimes, you can see why science fiction is so hard, and some writers forget the "science" part too often.

TITLE: X-Men: Emperor Vulcan (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Christopher Yost (writer).

DISSECTION: The Scy'ar Tal, an alien race from which the Shi'ar stole the M'Kraan crystal (in fact, their name used to be M'Kran) have a weapon with which they drop "baby stars" through Shi'ar stargates, and used it to destroy the planet Feather's Edge by dropping one into their orbit. Ooook.... using stars as ammo... I'll let that one pass... But in this issue the X-Men, Starjammers, and Shi'ar find the Scy'ar Tal's "ammo depot", and it's a "solar nursery", with "dozens of stars (...) all in one place"; and starships and space stations can just cruise around, without being pulled into a star or torn apart. Right-y-o.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, I don't care what your technology level is, these are STARS, and I'm pretty sure I've seen the Starjammer's ship being stopped by a tractor beam, so there's no way they could navigate through a maze of stars!
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Best Art Dissection:

Not as many nominees as with the writing dissections; but quite a few. Most are so outrageous you don't even need to actually see the images.
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A01-"RETCON TOKEN!" (The Dissector #95, 10/17/08)

COMMENT: This could be a retcon, but it's so unnecessary and blatant, that it's angering.

TITLE: Venom: Dark Origin (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Angel Medina (penciller).

DISSECTION: Well, this is a big one... so Eddie Brock divorces his wife in this issue. We've seen her in the past issues, and something didn't look right to me... Then I noticed it: Brock's wife (who was briefly She-Venom in a 90s book) was blonde, and white... and in this book she's black!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A02-"CIDADE MARAVILHOSA... NOT!"" (The Dissector #84, 08/13/08)

COMMENT: Good god, it's not like you can't get photos from the web...

TITLE: Casey Blue: Beyond Tomorrow (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Carlo Barbieri (penciller).

DISSECTION: Establishing shot of Sao Paulo... THE CRISTO REDENTOR STATUE WHICH IS ACTUALLY IN RIO DE JANEIRO!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A03-"HEART TO HEART." (The Dissector #78, 07/26/08)

COMMENT: Anatomy is a very important thing you know when you're an artist...

TITLE: Astonishing X-Men Sketchbook Special (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simone Bianchi (penciller).

DISSECTION: A sketch of Cyclops new costume shows an X emblem over the right side of his chest, and a notation that the "X on his heart..." Uhm, Simone, the human heart is to the left of your chest.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A04-"WORFZILLA." (The Dissector #68, 04/07/08)

COMMENT: Klingons are not gigantic...

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 05

CULPRIT: David Messina (artist).

DISSECTION: This was the best issue so far of the IDW TNG comics; even the art was better... but that's probably because apart from David Messina on the art, Gianluigi Gregorini is credited as "art assist"... Still, Messina still draws Worf in a scene as if he was three times larger than a human being. Psst, Dave... he's a Klingon, not the Hulk...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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A05-"IT'S A BFG!" (The Dissector #65, 03/24/08)

TITLE: Teen Titans Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Amy Wolfram (writer).

DISSECTION: Look at the picture below, and you'll see that Kerschl not only neglected to correctly represent the famous sculpture called "Non-Violence" (part of the UN art collection at its headquarters in NYC, and usually called "Knotted Gun"), but he also decided (perhaps writer Amy Wolfram too) to make it gigantic, just so Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl could stand on it and look down at normal people. Not only did they enlarge it; they couldn't even get the shape of the base well, and numerous other details in the sculpture itself.


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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A06-"ANYONE HERE SPEAK FRENCH? OR KRAUT?" (The Dissector #58, 02/28/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 22.

CULPRIT: Eric Trautmann (penciller).

DISSECTION: If (a) Marquis was wanted by the Gestapo, why is the poster in English, instead of French (or even German)?

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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Best Coloring Dissection:

There's one that's bound to win this category with a landslide...
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C01a-"OH NO HE DIDN'T!" (The Dissector #67, 03/27/08)

COMMENT: This one and the next are the same mistake, made two issues in a row, and it's outrageous. Just vote for C01 if you want this one to win.

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Arcas incorrectly colors SUPERMAN'S CAPE SHIELD!!! He colors it as if it was the chest shield, blue and yellow

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Un-for-gi-va-ble.
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C01b-"WELL, IT'S JUST SUPERMAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOT A CLASSIC, RECOGNIZABLE COSTUME." (The Dissector #72, 06/25/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Good God, Arcas! How can you work as a comic book colorist and not know that Superman's CAPE emblem is all yellow, not red and yellow like his chest one?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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C02-"FASHION EMERGENCY." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENTS: This one's weak, but I wanted at least four nominees.

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Reber gives Hal Jordan white boots... ew...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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C03-"YOUNG AND UNTANNED..." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENTS: The whole point of the "All-New" X-Men and the New Mutants after them was the multiethnic origins of the characters; now if you were South American, African, Native American or whatever origin you had, you had a character to "look up to"...

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: José Villarubia (colorist).

DISSECTION: Apart from mistakes in a Spanish name by the writer; Villarubia colors Dani Moonstar (a Native American) and Sunspot (mixed race Brazilian) as having Caucasian skin colors, exactly the same between them, and as Cyclops... To top that, he colors their eyes a very light blue, when they both have brown eyes; and a light blue for Dust, who also has brown eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Come on, coupled with artist Rafa Sandoval making Sunspot seem almost Asian, you can't even tell which characters they're supposed to be unless they tell you...
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C04-"SEE! IT'S NOT EVEN THE SAME GUY ONE MOMENT TO THE OTHER!" (The Dissector #107, 01/14/09)

COMMENTS: It's important to know a character's design before working with him.

TITLE: Countdown: Arena (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Guy Major (colorist).

DISSECTION: Major manages to color Monarch's eyes (incorrectly drawn by McDaniel, see above) blue in one panel, and brown two panels down.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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Best Lettering Dissection:

This category is harder than others, because a lettering error has got to be completely outrageous to be nominated.
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L01-"GOOD GOING, HELENA." (The Dissector #106, 01/13/09)

COMMENTS: Switched speech balloons make for funny or awkward situations sometimes.

TITLE: DC Universe Holiday Special (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer, Huntress story).

DISSECTION: Speech balloons get switched around, making the Huntress ask if a community service program run by herself is "Some sort of retarded helping program or something..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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L02-"WHERE'S WULVERINE AND NIGHTCRUWLER?" (The Dissector #61, 03/21/08)

COMMENT: This one is by far the funniest lettering error I've seen; coupled with the frilly font for such a macho character...

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 495.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Pfft.... look below.


Hahahaha!!!! COLUSSUS!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars
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L03-"TAROT, MISTRESS OF THE MEESTEEKL ARTS!" (The Dissector #51, 12/11/07)

COMMENT: Marshal... pft! I admit, this is probably an initial error on the writer's part, but the letterer should catch it. ("Magick" is not part of the error, by the way.)

TITLE: Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose (BroadSword Comics).

ISSUE: 47.

CULPRIT: Holly Golightly (letterer).

DISSECTION: In page 20, panel one, a witch fights evil with "magick" (you see what I meant about pretentiousness?) and "marshal" art moves. "Marshal"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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L04-"TXTING NORSEMEN." (The Dissector #82, 08/11/08)

COMMENT: Very simple typos, but the end effect was funny.

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer) and/or Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: So, in the 1100s you "plnt" your feet to defend your "communinty"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars each.
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Best Other Dissection:

A hard category, because again, things have to be very blatant, and not even trying hard was I able to find more than three worthy nominees.
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O01-"GUARDIANES DE LA GALAXIA! CON: MARTINEZ, PEREZ, ALVAREZ Y BORGES!" (The Dissector #104 (01/08/09)

COMMENT: Like I say in the dissection itself, it's only fair I come down on Spanish translators as hard as I do on English-speaking writers.

TITLE: Guardianes De La Galaxia (Forum/Marvel, translating Guardians Of The Galaxy V1).

ISSUE: 09 and 12 (same numbering as in US edition).

CULPRIT: Xavi Marturet (translator).

DISSECTION: With not enough dissections in this week to fill the requisite minimum of ten per column; I once more went to my Vault. I found some little gems I had stowed away, to show how it's not just English speaking writers who mess up other languages. One day, I'll write an article on the atrocities that are committed when translating comics to Spanish.

(...) in the middle of an issue, someone refers to the "Belt asteroid" ("asteroide Belt" in Spanish); making it obvious that the translator didn't know what an asteroid belt was. The funniest thing is, that when I went to Google what was Xavi Marturet up to know (his actual name is Javier Marturet); he had blogged about a Final Fantasy fan music video with an Evanescence song. He translated the lyrics to the song himself, and posted them along with the video, because (according to himself) "you don't wanna know the stinkers that pass for translations on the internet, they're horrible". The lyrics translation looks okay, but I hope he's learned what an asteroid belt was in these past 15 years.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars (...). I usually give wrong uses of the Spanish language (or other languages) in English comics 6 or 7; in this case I gave it a higher rating because those are uses of foreign languages to give certain scenes or characters a "flavor"; while what Marturet was doing was translating comics in their entirety to another language, for people to read and understand them, and he didn't even know what an "asteroid belt" was (heck, he couldn't even translate the word "belt" literally)...
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O02-"NEXT, IN A COMPLETELY UNRELATED COMIC!" (The Dissector #85 (08/18/08)

COMMENT: When you hype the next issue of a book, you might want to hype your own book... That very same week, and for another book, the same editors had the "Hot List This Week" and the DC Nation column from the week before.

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 23.

CULPRIT: Adam Schlagman (assistant editor) and Eddie Berganza (editor).

DISSECTION: Not a good week for Adam and Eddie when the last page of books is concerned. The legal indicia and "Next in..." at the end of the book are for Superman #678...

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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O03"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: This one was so big, that it had to be nominated for both categories.

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

What was the worse (or funniest, you decide) thing about this book? That when I got to the end of it, writer Nitz thanked Sergio Aragonés for "keeping it "verdadero""... Was Aragonés (who was born in Spain and grew up in Mexico) drunk? Pulling a prank on Nitz? Getting revenge for Nitz boinking his granddaughter? Because no one who actually knows Spanish would ever translate the issue as this one was... Complete and utter garbage; and the story isn't even up to Blue Beetle standards.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
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O04"WELL, IT STARTS WITH "DYNAM", SO WE GOT HALF RIGHT, DIDN'T WE?" (The Dissector #88, 09/23/08)

COMMENT: This was just sloppy... They've since fixed it, but they never even answered my e-mail... ungrateful sods...

TITLE: Zorro Website (Zorro Productions, Inc.).

ISSUE: N/A.

CULPRIT: Unknown.

DISSECTION: Zorro Productions, Inc., thinks that it's Dynamic Forces that's making the comic, instead of Dynamite Entertainment. I've e-mailed both companies (Zorro and Dynamite), to let them know.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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Best Quote:

Those quotes that make you laugh, or go "wow, that's cool"... there where quite a few to choose from, but here are the very best... according tome, of course.
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Q01-"Yes. I am Tesla and you are all Edison. Which means I'll die penniless & alone in a hotel room while obsessively counting my pubes." Warren Ellis, Backmater, Doktor Sleepless #10. (The Dissector #106, 01/13/09)
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Q02-"I. Am. The. New. God. All is one in Darkseid. This mighty body is my church. When I command your surrender, I speak with three billion voices... When I make a fist to crush your resistance. IT IS WITH THREE BILLION HANDS! When I stare into your eyes and shatter your dreams. And break your heart. IT IS WITH SIX BILLION EYES! NOTHING LIKE DARKSEID HAS EVER COME AMONG YOU: NOTHING WILL AGAIN. I WILL TAKE YOU TO A HELL WITHOUT EXIT OR END. AND THERE I WILL MURDER YOUR SOULS! AND MAKE YOU CRAWL AND BEG! AND DIE! DIE! DIE FOR DARKSEID!" Darkseid and his choir of thralls, Final Crisis #5 (The Dissector #105, 01/09/09)
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Q03-"You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!" Jon Webb, Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #53. (The Dissector #103, 01/07/09)
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Q04-"And Chas, no pressure or nothing, but if I and when I ever get back to London, I'm fully expecting to find the same shit-hole that was there when I left-- and not a pile of smoldering ruins, okay?" John Constantine, Hellblazer Presents: Chas-The Knowledge #5. (The Dissector #100, 12/03/08)
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Q05-"You are ejected from the sliding chute like phlegm from and old sailor's nostril." B.A. Felton, Knights Of The Dinner Table #135. (The Dissector #77, 07/24/08)
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Q06-"We're going to burn it all down. Because this is not the future we were promised. And if we can't have that, then we shouldn't have anything at all." Doktor Sleepless, Doktor Sleepless #6. (The Dissector #70, 05/08/08)
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Q07-"Sweetie, I'll make soup with your knickers!" Random gang-banger, Andrea D #1. (The Dissector #60, 03/10/08)
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Q08-"Come on, everybody! There's got to be an abandoned playing card factory around here somewhere." Joker leading his half of the prisoners of the penal planet, Salvation Run #3. (The Dissector #57, 02/26/08)
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Best Moment:

Moments that leave you speechless, or busting your gut with laughter. Hard to choose just one...
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M01-From The Dissector #94 (10/14/08), Norman Osborn makes good use of public exposure, and then, in private, shows us his plans. NORMAN OSBORN FOR PRESIDENT!



M02-From The Dissector #93 (10/7/08), John Constantine shows us what a white Christmas really means (BTW, that thing he snorts are powdered St. Nicholas' bones...):



M03-From The Dissector #87 (09/16/08), Gordo Sheckberry shows that you can join in on paintball wars even while wheelchair-bound... and with style! Also, this moment is the spark that lights the fuse on B.A.'s involvement in the war:



M04-From The Dissector #75 (07/22/08), Norman Osborn again, in a brilliant scene that shows (in an admittedly cliched way, but brilliant nevertheless) how utterly insane he is:



M05-From The Dissector #73 (07/16/08), the return of Barry Allen!


M06-From The Dissector #69 (04/9/08), a Legion Of Super-Heroes multi-page sappy moment that is, nonetheless, great:



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There you are; I’ll keep voting open for two weeks, or possibly a month, if not enough votes come in the first two weeks. Vote, it is your right, so says…

THE DISSECTOR!