Wednesday, May 06, 2009

The Dissector #114.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

02/11: "Yeah, dawg, I saw Galactus and Galactus is a PIMP. Who else be dressin' in a purple suit with a big tricked out hat like that? (...) Probably lookin' to put that fine Invisible Woman on the street." Street thugs, Galactus: The Real Story.

02/18: "Man, say what you want about me... Good looks, gravitas, iconic costume design. But man, does my timing el suck-o. They asked me to be an Avenger when I was in high school... I said now. They asked me when I was in college... and I said no. Young adult, nope. NOW I say yes. Now, when there's no mansion, no butler, no tower, no Quinjet, no big table with an "A" on it... I get to hide in fake Captain America's basement and wait for things like this. I truly am a genius." Spider-Man, New Avengers #50.

02/25: "You might feel a little prick--... wait, that came out wrong!" Ant-Man, Thunderbolts #129.

You'll notice there's three quotes of the week... yes, I know, because this is a special, rest-of-February column; and I'll try to write one for March, and one for April, to catch up. That said, I'll go quickly through The Dissector's Picks Of The Week(s). For the week of 02/11, the Best Book was R.E.B.E.L.S. #1; as a LSH-related book it caught my attention, and it's also very good... as I said when I found about it, Andy Clark's art is fantastic; unfortunately, issues 4 and 5 have been solicited with art by other people... I hope Clark returns. Worst Book of that week was Batman #686, Neil Gaiman tries to be Silver Agey and succeeds... in boring me.

Best Book for the week of 02/18 was Amazing Spider-Man #587; my love for BND ASM is no secret. Worst Book for that week was New Exiles #18; last issue of an unbearable pain... please Marvel, give Chris Claremont a pension package that doesn't allow him to write... On the other hand, Best Book for the week of 02/25 was Blue Beetle #36; another last issue, of a book I'll miss greatly. Luckily we'll still see Jaime in Teen Titans and in other places (like Brave And The Bold, occasionally). Worst Book Of The Week was Trinity #39... it's not particularly bad, but there wasn't anything worse this week.. yet Trinity is consistently bland and boring.

Nobody cracked the DT! from the last regular column... come on, it was very easy! If you look closely, Wolverine's not wearing gloves, yet he has the metal "exits" for his claws on the back of his bare hand. That's it, then, dissections! Oh, wait... you know how I usually give an entry to only the most glaring errors in a book, and reserve repeat errors in the same issue, or minor stuff as just a mention; and save them for the final counts of averages and the like? Well, in these emergency catch-up columns I'll flat out not give entries to entire issues. Suffice it to say that there were a lot of boring mistakes in the following books: Avengers Invaders, Batman, Blue Beetle, Doctor Doom And The Masters Of Evil, Justice Society Of America, Galactus: The Real Story, Mighty Avengers, Ms. Marvel, New Avengers, Sgt. Rock: The Lost Battalion, Supergirl, Superman/Batman, Tangent: Superman's Reign, The Phantom: Ghost Who Walks, Trinity, Vigilante, X-Men: Legacy, X-Men Origins: Sabretooth.

There, now you get dissections:
<-------------------------------->
"DECESIONS."

TITLE: Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 587.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: A cop confesses that they "deceded" to frame Spider-Man so they could "do jobs" (instead of "our jobs). Thanks to Snakebyte for noticing this, badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars each.
<-------------------------------->
"SENSE YOUR FIRE!."

TITLE: Battlestar Galactica: Cylon War (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: Joshua Ortega & Eric Nylund (writers).

DISSECTION: Admiral Ben Tanner orders the "sensation" of hostilities...

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HE MANIPULATED OUR FEELINGS ABOUT HIM."

TITLE: Dark Reign Files (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator) or any of a number of writers not specifically credited for each profile.

DISSECTION: Among other mistakes, Daken's profile is missing his pheromone powers, which are what make him stand out from the original Wolverine.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IN DISSECTED NIGHT!"

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 33.

CULPRIT: Patrick Gleason (penciller).

DISSECTION: Easy one.


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DUDE, YOU'RE RAD!"

TITLE: Hulk V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Jeph Loeb (writer).

DISSECTION: The Silver Surfer's name is given as Norrin "Rad", when it's Radd.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OH THAT? JUST A HOBBY."

TITLE: Outsiders V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Peter J. Tomasi (writer).

DISSECTION: Geo-Force says he has no responsibilities to leave behind to join the Outsiders... WHAT ABOUT RULING AN ENTIRE COUNTRY!?!!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BOUNDARIES SCHMOUNDARIES."

TITLE: Star Trek: Countdown (IDW).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, Mike Johnson & Tim Jones (writers).

DISSECTION: Well, there's several mistakes in this comics (ambassadors wearing Starfleet uniforms, science officers seating in navigation consoles, etc, etc). But the one that stands out the most is Data saying a Federation starship has authority to confiscate cargo inside Romulan territory.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DROID OF HOLDING."

TITLE: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Henry Gilroy (writer).

DISSECTION: An R2 unit has a 20cm x 8cm internal storage area (remember the one where R2 hid Luke's saber?), yet R2-D2 has space for three lightsaber, complete with a rack and launcher.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"JEWELRY."

TITLE: Titans V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Howard Porter (penciller).

DISSECTION: Whatever necklace Vixen is wearing, that's not the Tantu Totem.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"NO A LA BLOQUEO!"

TITLE: Umbrella Academy: Dallas (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Gerard Way (writer) and/or Gabriel Bá (artist).

DISSECTION: Nice Cuban propaganda poster... if only you'd asked someone who actually spoke Spanish before making it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CLOSE YOUR EYES."

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 506.

CULPRIT: Terry Dodson (penciller).

DISSECTION: Cyclops needs to sleep with ruby quarts goggles on to avoid blasting the hell out of everything, including his woman, when he opens the eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Matt Fraction, what the hell is "Refugiados del mutante" supposed to mean?
<-------------------------------->
"FICTITIONAL GEOGRAPHY."

TITLE: Vixen: Return Of The Lion (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: G. Willow Wilson (writer).

DISSECTION: For the fifth time, Zambesi is the village, M'Changa is the country.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WHETMAN."

TITLE: Whatmen (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Scott Lobdell (writer).

DISSECTION: Funny parody, but it should be "funeral" not "funereal".

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FEMDROID?"

TITLE: Wildcats V5 (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: Christos Gage (writer).

DISSECTION: Maxine to Spartan as an android, as if she's not one. Well, honey, you're human-shaped, that makes you an android.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S WOLVERINE, NOT CABLE."

TITLE: Wolverine: Manifest Destiny (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Stephen Segovia & Paco Diaz Luque (pencillers).

DISSECTION: What the hell is that one inch thick steel cable inside Wolverine's body?!??!


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I PREFER JUTIPER."

TITLE: Wonder Woman V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 29.

CULPRIT: Gail Simone (writer).

DISSECTION: "Zues"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I CHANGED MY MIND, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A PULSE ANYMORE."

TITLE: X-Force V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: Craig Kyle & Christopher Yost (writers).

DISSECTION: Beautiful Dreamer (a mutant) is infected with the Legacy Virus, so her powers (manipulating memories) flare out of control; so she causes civilian deaths by "wiping their brains, making them forget to tell their hearts to beat". Well, your brain has absolutely nothing to do with your heart beat.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. I'm sure there's lots of other mutants they could have used. Few other mistakes, too, art-wise. Particularly, if you're going to do painted art, keep mind of what colors you're using on character's hair and such.
<-------------------------------->
"FORGET ABOUT THEM, THEY GOT MASSACRED, SO THEY DON'T COUNT. IT'S LIKE THE VIKING COLONY IN NORTH AMERICA."

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: First mutant nation, and it's not Genosha? Nope, not even in an alternate future... which is evidently based upon the present timeline.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"EAT MY SHORTS, SARGENT GARCÍA!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: You can spell words incorrectly, forget accents, fuck up font sizes, etc. But having an angry villain scream "AY, CARAMBA!"??!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. You know it's not the only mistake in this issue... it's just one of twenty nine.
<-------------------------------->
Well, I'm certainly taking my time writing this... the average was 6.4 Bazzars in 84 dissections... quite normal, all taken into consideration. And now, the Moments Of The Week(s)! First up, From 021/11, Harry falls off the wagon...


And on the glider! Next, Wolvie's happy memories:


Predictable, right? Week of 02/18, Nightwing causes cameltoe in mature ladies:


Well, his tights are tight... Then... she knows stuff, and she's back!


She's all grown up, lookither! Last, from 08/25, a shocking cartoon moment:


Holy shit, Batman and Blue Beetle just KILLED A DUDE!!! WTF??!?!?!?!? I cry bloody... digital murder, they're teaching our kids it's okay to kill artificial intelligences!!!

That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

4 comments:

Emerre said...

I believe that actually the brain has somethingo to do with the hartbeat function, but maybe i´m throwing fruit =P

MaGnUs said...

Yeah, you are. :) The cardiac muscle has automaticity.

MaGnUs said...

DT! cracked at ICS.net.

MaGnUs said...

Comments originally posted on ICS.net, right after the column was posted:

DrSilent: DT: I guess it should be "versus" but hey, who's to say that guy can spell? :p

Martín "MaGnUs" Pérez: Yeah, it was the versus. :P

Nick S.: "Well, your brain has absolutely nothing to do with your heart beat. " Wrong actually, though I get what you were going for. Memory has absolutely nothing to do with your heart beat, but brain does.

Martín "MaGnUs" Pérez: You're right, I was a bit rushed in writing that. The heart rate is controlled by the the medulla oblongata, the lower portion of the brainstem; specifically by the aptly named cardiac center. In my rush, I remembered it incorrectly as not part of the brain.

Thanks.