The Dissector

The Dissector #171.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"I'm a sorcerer, motherfuckers! And I hereby declare your consciousness... EXPANDED!" Byzantium Mack, House Of Mystery V2 #27.

I know I'm late, but I've had a lot of work on my desk... the kind of work that actually pays my bills, so... no disrespect to my readers, but I'm sure you'll understand. On top of that, I was sick last week, and it was too cold to be outside my blankets in bed; and I'm not comfortable writing there. You wanna know how sick I was? Well, the first day I stayed at home (Wednesday) I didn't even had enough energy to read comics or listen to my favorite radio show live... that's how awful I felt.

Last column's DT was spotted by JohnnyDoe, the problem was that Iron Man's full name was given as "Anthony Edwards Stark"; it's "Edward". At least he didn't spot the other thing I did with that entry, see more later on. Let's get on with The Dissector's Picks Of The Week, shall we? Best Book Of The Week was Batman And Robin #13... yes, I know I haven't liked much of Morrison's recent output, but this book is the exception, and this particular issue was just... well-rounded. The script, the art... it didn't WOW me, but it did strike me as a very well crafted comic book.

Worst Book Of The Week also goes to Batman, in this case, Batman Refuse, err, Batman Confidential #46. Nothing memorable comes out of this book, and sometimes, it's even home to stuff that shouldn't even see the light of day... or the light of night, in this case. Kevin VanHook returns with a sequel to his Superman/Batman Vs. Vampires & Werewolves mini (or whatever that drivel was called). The art by Tom Mandrake is acceptable, but VanHook's script is lazy, and full of bad choices when it comes to the supernatural, as well as Superman's powers. For example, using sunlight as a weapon on zombies? Yes, they're usually creatures of the night, but they're not vampires. Not only that, but Superman's heat vision, while derived from the sun, is not sunlight... On top of that, even if they're magic creatures, Superman's weakness to magic would not prevent their bodies and clothes from catching fire from a wide-burst visible heat vision attack...

The Rundown: Avengers: The Children's Crusade (the font used for the credits has an "A" with an extra line above it, like an accent but not it... and it's on some "A"s, and not in others... and it's not consistent), Batman And Robin (the Joker likes to leave clues about his crimes, since when? also, both Batman emblems are wrong), Brightest Day (Hawkman's hair is the wrong color), Darkstar & The Winter Guard (English signs in a Russian installation?), Doom Patrol V5 (Rita's eyes are still colored incorrectly), Scarlet (accented letters), Sparta USA (accented letters), Spider-Man/Fantastic Four (Doom's eyes are colored incorrectly), X-Men V3 (Wolverine's eyes are colored incorrectly, plus "women" instead of "woman" in one of the ads), Young Allies (inconsistent lettering, just like in Children's Crusade).
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"ACTION DISSECTION!"

TITLE: Action Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 845.

CULPRIT: Dave Stewart (colorist).

DISSECTION: Just one from the Vault for the Dissect This!, because there was no good one for this week.


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"HOMEBOY."

TITLE: The Boys (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 44.

CULPRIT: Tony Aviña (colorist).

DISSECTION: Sidney noticed that the Homelander's trouser piping disappears between panels. Badge for him, and he makes the rank of Lt. Commander! Congratulations. Mr. Sidney!

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"IT'S EASY LIKE THAT."

TITLE: Fantastic Four V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: Annual 32.

CULPRIT: Joe Ahearne (writer).

DISSECTION: Are we really supposed to believe that someone can walk up and into Reed Richard's lab, the heart of the Baxter Building, just because they have Johnny Storm's keycard? Really?

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Also, one dialogue later says "protction" instead of "protection".
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"BULLETPROOF MONK."

TITLE: JSA All-Stars (DC).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: Matthew Sturges (writer).

DISSECTION: Judomaster and Citizen Steel are sent first into battle because according to Hourman they're "impervious to gunfire". WRONG!!! Citizen Steel is invulnerable, but Judomaster's power (an "aversion field") only works on attacks specifically aimed at her. Bullet hails are not really aimed, not to speak of stray shots.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Atom Smasher's eyes and hair continue to be miscolored.
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"STOMP!"

TITLE: Thanos Sourcebook (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Mike O'Sullivan (writer).

DISSECTION: Sidney earns another badge by pointing out that Gorgon's profile says that he can "stop his feet" to create seismic shockwave.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, the Nova Corps article uses the word "centurian" instead of "centurion".
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"JUST SHOOT ME."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 170.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (editor).

DISSECTION: I was working on the column, and I noticed I didn't have a DT!, so I went and plucked one out of The Rundown... and left it there too. No one seems to have noticed, though, until Sidney did, some time later. Another badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"WORDS AND PICTURES."

TITLE: Vengeance Of The Moon Knight (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Juan Jose Ryp (artist).

DISSECTION: Now, if the script has the Moon Knight thinking that you can crack a walnut on Captain America's chin cleft... don't you think you might wanna draw a cleft on Cap's chin? This issue had the cheesiest monologues ever, as well as poses that were even too much for a superhero book. That, and Ryp's art, while detailed, is not yet in sync with the Marvel Universe.

If Ryp wasn't so good, and the issue hadn't been a fun badass superhero romp, this would have been a candidate for Worst Book Of The Week. Oh, and if Batman Confidential had been any good...

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"FASTER! FASTER!"

TITLE: Vengeance Of The Moon Knight (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Gregg Hurwitz (writer).

DISSECTION: The Glove Of Asteria is a mystical artifact that projects a directed column of air moving at... the speed of light? THE SPEED OF LIGHT?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK, GREGG??!?!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, if Captain Barracuda's pirates on the ship's top deck are fighting the Avengers, and it's all kinds of noisy, why are some of them calmly dining below decks so they can be jumped by Moon Knight.
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"X-WOMEN: EUROSTYLE."

TITLE: X-Women (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer).

DISSECTION: Wow, this was painful to read; Claremont really managed to make me wince several times at how bad the writing was. Only Milo Manara's cheesecake art made it bearable. There are so many errors in this book, that I'll just list them in one entry:

* What the hell is up with Psylocke firing "TK blasts", like they are Havok's blasts, or Bishop's?

* Rogue inherits a villa on the Greek island of Kirinos? From whom? Even if she inherited from Mystique or Destiny, wouldn't the X-Men suspect a trap? Or at least not go on vacation to party?

* Psylocke's eyes are colored incorrectly.

* Rachel Summers and Shadowcat never shared a psychic rapport. That was Dani Moonstar and Rahne Sinclair.

* Kitty Pryde's eyes change from their correct brown to blue, then to brown again, then back to blue once more.

* Even if I can accept that a cargo cult in Madripoor could include Caucasian people, Claremont handles the concept incorrectly. What he shows as a cargo cult is more like a band of pirates or scavengers, and the things he writes regarding cargo cults are utter balderdash.

* The "cargo cult" children that Rogues guards and has known for about a few days are not "her" kids. It doesn't even look like she's speaking figuratively.

* All of a sudden, the cargo cult leader has mutant powers? What?

* "Now the Baroness just has to take psychic control of the target armies, start a few skirmishes... for which she can not only provide arms to India and China... and ultimately sweep in when the dust settles to become the dominant power in the region." Apart from how stupid the plan is, and the fact that India and China probably don't need an unknown party to supply them with arms... isn't that sentence missing a "but" component for the "not only" part?

* If this Baroness can inhibit mutant powers on her person (but not around her, because Psylocke can use her telekinesis very near her)... why the hell doesn't Betsy just use TK to fling something heavy at her, instead of trying to fire a blast directly at her?

* What's with everybody calling Rogue "Anna" all the time? Oh, yes I know that Anna Marie is her name, but no one calls her that on the comics, at least not regularly.

I finish reading it, and Joe Quesada writes in his afterword that I probably want to read it again? Hell no, I wish I hadn't read it at all!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars for the ridiculous "villa inheriting" plot starter. Various ratings for the other dissections.
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This week's average was 6.3 Bazzars in forty-three dissections, standard fare, Cover Of The Week was this simple, yet effective piece by Darwyn Cooke for The Murder Of King Tut #1:


Yes, it's simple, but it's very appropriate. The book itself is not bad, either, alternating between chronicling what happened before Tut's birth, his ascension and so forth, and showing Howard Carter's start in Egyptology and his eventual discovery of the famous tomb. Recommended reading if you're into this stuff. Now, Moments Of The Week.... from The Boys:


It's the policy of truth! Then, even in the future, don't mess with Hercules:




Damn... Skipping over to DC, look at this:


It's like a watching a baby saying "da-da" for the first time! Now, back to Marvel, Dr. Doom's hench-scientists know the first rule of technical work:


The Scotty Time Rule!!! Now, you know who's a practical man?


Bane. And tell me, what's a day like this called in Marvel's New York City?


Thursday. The Smurfs return and show us how useful their language is:


You can curse all you want! Next, Anna Mercury:


Oh, no, it's the Black Widow... sorry. From the same book, the Moon Knight shows his combat prowess:


Yeah, well... even action books should have their limits, and I don't think Moon Knight should be so good with a bow and arrow. And now, last, Marvel teases us:


The only good thing about X-Women, and it's just tease. If like me, you've read Milo Manara's classics like Perfume Of The Invisible or Click (and if you don't, and you're 18 or older, do it), you'll know how much we're missing out here. I'd love to see Manara's sketchbook for this issue... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!