The Dissector #182.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"''Smoking while pregnant may seriously harm your baby's health'' I make a point of only buying packets with this warning... I figure the odds are it won't affect me. Though with my lifestyle, I can't rule it out." John Constantine, Hellblazer: City Of Demons #1.

Eventually, I will catch up... but not right now. Here's the column for comics released on 10/13 (mostly), so let's get on with it. Last column's DT!, or at least the gist of it, was cracked by Donald313... the problem is that the timeline in that Fantastic Four scene didn't fit. The problem is with the sliding timescale. The Fantastic Four got their powers at most 15 years ago; so if you make this 20 years ago, having Sue be 19 then and 39 now (a big stretch, because she shouldn't be 39, in Marvel's terms), sound files being something so outlandish would be stupid. There were other sound file formats in 1990; not mp3s exactly yet, at least not yet public; but the tech has existed for a long time... plus, they're wearing bell bottoms... both of them... I mean, you could have just worded the scene differently to achieve the same result, without fucking up continuity, know what I mean?

Now, The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are the following: Best Book Of The Week was Iron Man Legacy #7; good script by Fred Van Lente, nice art by Steve Kurth. I enjoy seeing The Pride in action, and Iron Man building himself up from his own broken pieces. Worst Book Of The Week? Well, Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Outsiders... geez, this series of one-shots is a failure. Bruce Wayne wearing power armor? The armor doesn't even have consistent powers or limits across the different one-shots; and how could anyone who knows Bruce be unable to notice it's him in that "Insider" suit? FOR GOD'S SAKE, HE'S GOT BAT-BLADES IN HIS GLOVES, A YELLOW UTILITY BELT, AND EVEN SORT-OF-BATARANGS!!! Worst of all, having read all the books now; only Katana, Oracle, and R'as notice on their own? Yes, the others suspect something, but Dick would notice faster than any of the others... The Outsiders book in particular has very bad art, and the writing, like in the rest of this series, leaves a lot to be desired.

The Rundown: The Amazing Spider-Man Presents: Black Cat (writer and editors retracted themselves from this, but in previous issues they'd referred as Felicia Hardy's dad as "The Cat", when he never used that or any codename... except, and they didn't mention this, in the Spider-Man animated series of the 90s...), Angel Vs. Frankenstein II ("incnetive" cover?), B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth New World (why announce a new numbering if you keep the old?), Booster Gold V2 (Zamarons are not yellow-skinned humans... not even before revealing their true shape), Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Catwoman (Selina's eyes are colored incorrectly), Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Outsiders (all signs and writing in Markovia is in English), Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Batman And Robin ("niow" instead of "now"), Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Batgirl (Damian is not a public member of the Wayne family, he shouldn't be making public appearances with them), Captain America: Forever Allies (inconsistent lettering in the "next month" page), Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors (wrong badges and rings), Incredible Hulks (Beast looks wrong), Iron Man: Titanium! (accented letters), JSA 80-Page Giant 2010 (several costume and hair and eye coloring errors), Shadowland (someone should teach artists how sai are gripped), Spike: The Devil You Know (San "Fransisco"?), Strange Tales II (Wolverine's eyes should be blue, not brown), Superman V1 (Perry's eyes are colored wrong), Titans V2 (I understand giving Ray Palmer blue eyes, even though they should be brown... but blond hair? Also, Arsenal's eyes are wrong, and Batman's belt and gloves), Untold Tales Of Blackest Night (Hal's badge, and... since when is Donna Troy Cassie Sandsmark's mentor?), Warlord Of Mars (the writer can't keep the names of the Martian characters right), X-Men V3 (sai grip, dammit, sai grip).
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"SHOW ME THE SHAPE OF YOUR... TRACER."

TITLE: Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Red Robin (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Fabian Nicieza (writer) and/or Ramon Bachs (penciller).

DISSECTION: Not a bad issue; but nothing to write home about. My problem? The tracer Dick planted on Vicki Vale's bag was NOT shaped like a bat, yet now, for this series of one-shots, it is.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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"NEW DISSECTION FOREVER."

TITLE: New Mutants Forever (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Al Rio (penciller).

DISSECTION: So, what gives?


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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"... THE SIZE OF MANHATTAN."

TITLE: New Mutants Forever (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer).

DISSECTION: From the same man that gave us a Starjammer starship the size of Manhattan, and a coal-powered diesel train engine... now Warlock's made of "the primal substance of a star" and able to survive "temperatures hoter than the surface of the sun"??!?!?! Since when??!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Poppycock, Chris, poppycock. Also, there are several small accented letters, and I will NOT go with your "Nova Roma is in the Andes" idiocy, Chris.
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"THE UNWRITTEN CREATED BY MIKE CARREY AND PETER GROSE."

TITLE: The Unwritten (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 18.

CULPRIT: Mike Carey (writer).

DISSECTION: It's a story about writing and writers; and a journalist says "Hunter S. Thomson" instead of "Thompson"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"I'M A BEAST, I DON'T UNDERSTAND TECHNOLOGY."

TITLE: X-Campus (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Francesco Artibani (writer) or Luigi Mutti (translator).

DISSECTION: "Gigaterabytes of nanites"? What? You either have gigabytes, or terabytes... and nanites are physical nanobots; not information, data... which is what you measure in bytes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars each. Beast also refers to "the Sanskrit", and Logan's eyes are colored incorrectly.
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"MEDICAL SCIENCE, WHO CARES?"

TITLE: X-Campus (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Roberto Di Salvo (writer) or Luigi Mutti (translator).

DISSECTION: You can't have "anemic hemorrhage", you can have "hemorrhagic anemia". The term they used makes no medical sense.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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That's odd... despite several "10" ratings, the average was only 6.8 Bazzars in fifty dissections. Well, not important. Now, Cover Of The Week, from Tomb Of Terror, by Travel Foreman and Nathan Fairbairn:


Good job evoking the covers of those old horror books. Now, Moments Of The Week, first up Brainiac 5 does think of others:


Not too highly, but he does... Next, a robot with a sense of humor:


... and the correct laughter. Then, where is the Council Of The Spiders hiding?


My own backyard? Next, John Constantine, good neighbour:


He takes care of your mom! And Tony Stark...


pwnd! And who's Doctor Fate cribbin’ from?


Dr. Strange? Shame on you, Fate. And to finish this column, a peak at Kate Beaton's hilarious Spidery/Craven story for Strange Tales II:


I just love the faces she draws... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #181.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Why must M'sieu Charcuter consistently deny mon plan jetpack magnifique?" Frenchie, The Boys #47.

On time! On time! Here is the column for books released on the week of 10/06. Last week's DT! was cracked, after much deliberation, by Commander JohnnyDoe, who gets a badge. The guy tells Rogue he'll use gravity to kill her, augmenting the mass of her heart. But gravity doesn't increase your mass, it increases your weight, which is a product of your mass times gravity. Science fail!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow: Best Book Of The Week was Superman: The Last Family of Krypton #3, last issue of the mini. Good resolution to a fun book. Worst Book Of The Week was Greek Street #16... subpar finish to what was, a readable book before.

The Rundown: Freedom Fighters V2 ("is" instead of "are"), JSA All-Stars (Power Girl is called Kara Zor-El instead of Zor-L), Spider-Man: Back in Quack (accented letters, and Bev's eyes change color between pages), Stargate: Daniel Jackson (Vala's hair has red highlights when the character has jet black hair), Taskmaster V2 (a story in Mexico... full of crappy Spanish and smaller accented letters), Ultimate Thor (accented letters), Uncanny X-Force ("devloped", smaller "ñ"), Unknown Soldier V4 (wrong German sentence), Young Allies (inconsistent credit lettering, Firestar's eyes are blue, then green).
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"GO WEST!"

TITLE: Doom Patrol V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Keith Giffen (writer) and/or Matthew Clark (penciller).

DISSECTION: David, one of the members of my faithful Honorary Dissector Scout Corps, noticed this one. Niles Caulder, with stolen Kryptonian powers, is said to be flying West from Manhattan, possibly towards Bialya, yet the monitor displays an arrow that points East from New York. Geography fail!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Rita Farr's eyes are colored incorrectly as usual... oh, and David gets a badge and makes Lieutenant! He also reported the JSA All-Stars dissection; which Matt Sturges himself admitted to on his Twitter.
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"CUATRO FANTASTICOS."

TITLE: Fantastic Four In... Ataque Del M.O.D.O.K.! (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Tom Beland (writer).

DISSECTION: Dissect me this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. There are surprisingly very few Spanish language writing mistakes (just two)... but FORTY-THREE smaller accented letters or Ñs. FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! In one issue, Dave Lanphear just jumped well ahead of his fellow letterers in dissections count...
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"THE MAIN ELF."

TITLE: R.E.B.E.L.S. (DC).

ISSUE: 21.

CULPRIT: Claude St. Aubin (penciller).

DISSECTION: No, Lobo doesn't have pointed ears.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"THE GRAY HOOD."

TITLE: Red Hood: The Lost Days (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Jason Todd is trying to find a girl in a car that's, unwittingly, carrying a bomb. Over the phone, he asks her what kind of car she's in, and she says the car is red. But the colorist made the car gray or black...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"ABIN SUR: LAST OF THE UNGARANS."

TITLE: Superman: The Last Family Of Krypton (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 03.

CULPRIT: Renato Arlem (penciller).

DISSECTION: What's up with elven ears this week? Abin Sur gets them, when Ungarans do not have any visible feature that differentiates them from humans except their red skin (well, and males might be all bald, but I'm not sure about that).

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Lobo might have hair covering his ears, but Abin is a red cueball!
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A whopping eighty-two dissections this week, thanks to Dave Lanphear and his forty-three ones; with an average of 6.8 Bazzars; slightly higher than the usual, but still within normal limits. Cover Of The Week is this fun piece by Skottie Young:


I think Skottie's better suited to humorous stuff like this. First Moment Of The Week comes from R.E.B.E.L.S.:


A high intellect makes you a great spin doctor... Next, a good rousing speech from the most unlikely source:


Hercules! Herc 2.0, now with more godhead punch! And last, a romantic moment:


So that's why he chose a pornstar name! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #180.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"This isn't a powers case. (...) That's not a fox-man. That is a good old fashioned furry. (...) The guy has a dildo up his ass with a tail attached to it." Detective Enki Sunrise, Powers V3 #6.

Still running behind, here's the column for books released on 09/29. The DT! from last column wasn't cracked; Batman attacks Supergirl with red sunlight, but that shouldn't be enough to render her powerless, as it's only prolonged exposure that weakens a Kryptonian, or a concentrated beam (not just light from lamps). Incidentally, Ensign David earns a badge (and is one away from promotion) by pointing out something I hadn't noticed. Batman says that he's using UVB of a red wavelength variety... when an ultraviolet light is specifically NOT within the red wavelength, but above the visible spectrum. So the term is contradictory.

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are the following: Best Book Of The Week is again shared between two books. First up is issue #2 of Captain America: Patriot; again, great writing by Kesel and outstanding art by the Breitweisers; mixing classical and modern feels, as well as fitting lettering by Jared K. Fletcher. The other book is a Marvel book as well, Amazing Spider-Man #644; for similar reasons, a good blending of modern storytelling. Mark Waid is as veteran a writer as Karl Kesel, but his writing doesn't feel dated, it feels classic. Same goes for artist Paul Azaceta's and colorist Javier Rodriguez's work; subdued coloring that harkens back to Silver Age classics, but with modern narrative techniques; all aided by Joe Caramagna's letters.

Worst Book Of The Week is, a regular in recent times, Teen Titans #87. The art is not as bad as it's been before, but it still shows at certain points where Luís didn't put any effort into faces, and writer Felicia D. Henderson... should stay away from the Titans... cheesy dialogues, weird plot twists, characters behaving like jerks, and harebrained power-effects make for a bad comic. I'm glad there's a new creative team coming to this book next issue.

The Rundown: Action Comics (Jimmy Olsen's eyes colored incorrectly), Atlas ("Docter" Voodoo) , Detective Comics (Batman's uniform is all wrong, emblem, belt, and gloves), Powers V3 (the recap falls short by several issues, accented letters), Secret Warriors (Nick Fury's eye is colored incorrectly), Star Wars: Invasion - Rescues (the blurb in the inner front cover says the New Jedi Order era is about Luke Skywalker's descendants... that's more suited to the Legacy era), Teen Titans V3 (WTF is up with "Jose Lúís"? Black Alice's eyes are colored incorrectly in the back up), Time Masters: Vanishing Point (Hal Jordan's badge is wrong, and his boots are colored white in a panel), Valkyrie V2 (accented letter), X-Men Forever 2 (again with the starship larger than Manhattan, Chris? Jean Grey's eyes are colored incorrectly in a panel).
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"HAMMERTIME!"

TITLE: Avengers Prime (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer).

DISSECTION: Captain America, sorry, Steve Rogers, and Iron Man are both surprised that someone could lift Thor's hammer, when it's been lifted by others (including The Hulk by sheer brute strength), many others, throughout the years.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"WELL, MAYBE HE WROTE IT WITH A PENCIL!"

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 179.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Donald313 noticed that I credited Joe Kelly as a penciller, when he's a writer.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars, because it was a DT! about the writing.
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"UNDER THE SEA."

TITLE: Namor: The First Mutant (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Ariel Olivetti (artist).

DISSECTION: Stop giving Namor gigantic ankle wings! They're supposed to be smaller. But I also retract from a dissection credited to writer Stuart Moore, the part about the magic box with Dracula's head inside of it... they do address the fact that it has to be opened by an Atlantean monarch.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, Namor's eyes are GREY, not BLUE. Grey.
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"OHLUKOOLONALOLYPIPOL!!!!"

TITLE: Room Mates (La Cúpula/NBM/Eurotica).

ISSUE: Volume 1.

CULPRIT: Miguel Guerra (translator) and/or Ivan Guevara (writer).

DISSECTION: Stories in this book are closed with part of song lyrics or literary quotes. One of them ends with "Only lonely people", by Lennon/McCartney. Problem is, Eleanor Rigby never says that. It's "All the lonely people..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"WAR IS ASS."

TITLE: Star Spangled War Stories V3 (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Billy Tucci (writer).

DISSECTION: The word "âne", which means "ass", is used to refer to the backside of Mademoiselle Marie (and metaphorically to her life); but while it means "ass" in French, it's the animal, not the body part. The word Tucci was looking for was "cul". Don't use literal translations, folks!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Of course, every single accented letter is wrong, except for one.
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"LEGACY OF THE DISSECTOR."

TITLE: X-Men Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 240.

CULPRIT: Mike Carey (writer).

DISSECTION: This one should be easy:


DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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This week ups the average a bit with 6.8 Bazzars in thirty dissections. Cover Of The Week is from Captain America: Patriot #2, by the Breitweisers:


I love how the light from the torches and possibly the sun ends up looking like it's coming from the stars in the Caps' chests. The attitudes in Namor and Bucky are also quite telling. Moments Of The Week start off with gratuitous posturing by Alan Scott:


And this is just the best part of Robinson's weak handling of JSA... Next, from Captain America: Patriot, someone had it coming:


Yes, Cap injured his hand, but Namor sometimes deserves it... Now, from the worst book of the week, Cyborg shows what part of him was most affected by his more recent overhaul:


His personality... what a dick! And now, from Powers, be careful for what you wish:


I would try and use a different catchphrase... The end of that issue came with a nice surprise for regular readers:


Look who got promoted? And last, Bendis answers my question with his usual flippancy:


Gee, thanks Brian! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #179.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"If that's how far Elijah is willing to go to make sure his "product" isn't tampered with... then Bliss must be one helluva high. (pause) I wonder what it tastes like?" Arsenal, who you don't take to a drug bust, Titans V2 #27.

Here I am, late again, with the column for books released on 09/22. Last week's DT! was cracked by Ensign Darryn, who correctly noticed that Hal Jordan and John Stewart are the Green Lanterns assigned to Space Sector 2814, while Guy Gardner and Kyle Rayner, while being from that sector and having been assigned there formerly, are now part of the Corps' Honor Guard.

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are the following: Best Book Of The Week was Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 #5... while Yildiray Cinar apparently had some time issues and part of the art of the issue was by Francis Portela (and you can tell when it's not Cinar's), the writing by Levitz was solid enough to make me overlook any flaws in the art... while this is not an incredible issue, it was the best I read this week, overall. Worst Book Of The Week was Justice League Of America V2 #49... pointless fill-in issue, not extremely bad, but not worthy of a JLA book.

The Rundown: Avengers Academy (inconsistent credit lettering, Osborn's eyes), The Avengers V4 (inconsistent credit and next issue lettering, Tony Stark's eyes should be blue), Ghost Projekt (weird grammar in translated text), Green Lantern Corps V2 (John's badge is wrong), Justice League: Generation Lost ("Checkmates'" no, "Checkmate's", Power Girl's power listing is short, Batman's emblems and gloves are wrong, Alfred's eyes are wrong), Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (Ultra Boy's power listing is incomplete, Shrinking Violet's eyes should be blue, not brown), Secret Avengers (Nick Fury's eye and John Steele's hair are colored incorrectly), Superman/Batman (Robin and Batman have incorrect costumes, all accented letters are too small), Titans V2 (Arsenal's eyes are colored incorrectly), Uncanny X-Men (Namor and Dazzler have blank eyes for some reason).
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"XENOSIZE."

TITLE: Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Kaare Andrews (penciller).

DISSECTION: Wolverine. Is. Short. Say it with me: Wolverine. Is. Short. Unless you're Leech, Artie, Franklin Richards, or Puck, as a general rule, Wolverine is shorter than everyone. Not taller than Emma Frost. Not taller than Armor. Not taller than random African soldiers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, the Jaspers from the other dimension, which Storm calls "a boy"... looks like a man in his thirties... Boy?
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"ARTIE-CHOKED."

TITLE: Fantastic Four V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 583.

CULPRIT: Jonathan Hickman (writer) or Rus Wooton (lettering).

DISSECTION: Artie is still mute, he can't speak and comment on how the Thing looks funny. I'm leaning towards this being an error on Wooton's part, since Leech seems to be better positioned and facing more towards Ben than Artie is.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"BURDEN OF BADGES."

TITLE: Star Trek: Burden Of Knowledge (IDW).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Federica Manfredi (penciller).

DISSECTION: I understand how drawing the detail on each Starfleet badge might be a bother for an artist (although compared to all the stuff Manfredi draws, and how well she does it, a simple symbol can't be that hard)... but if you're going to leave badges blank on characters who're not that "close to camera", do it for all. Don't have some characters with badges, and others at the same distance without them, and so on.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars, several instances.
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"WHO'S THAT GIRL?"

TITLE: Supergirl V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 14.

CULPRIT: Joe Kelly (penciller).

DISSECTION: An old one, from 2007, because I couldn't find a better DT!


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"SEÑORITA, MAS FINA."

TITLE: Supergirl V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 56.

CULPRIT: Sterling Gates (writer).

DISSECTION: And the fun doesn't stop with Supergirl! (Nah, this is actually a pretty readable book.) Gates, for some reason, has Supergirl refer to some alien entity's "messengers" that devour matter to feed the entity as "supplicants". Is it too hard to look up a word in the dictionary?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"KENTUCKY FRIED BEZOPASNOSTI."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 169.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Looking back to check something for this column or the previous one, I found out that I wrote "KFB" instead of "KGB".

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"DIE DISSEKTOR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 178.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Commander Donald313 noticed that I confused the plural of the German word "Würfel" with "Würfels", although it's the same, "Würfel". I got confused with the genitive of the word, apparently.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Badge for you, Don.
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Average of 6.2 Bazzars in fifty-five dissections, regular. Here's this week's Cover Of The Week, by Cliff Chiang:


Simple, but pretty. Now, Moments Of The Week. First up, why was Earth-Man so chummy with the Legion?


He was getting some smurfette ass!!! Yeah! Next, you don't mess with Thor:


Not even if you're Galactus. And last, who's the new hero in St. Canard? GizmoDuck?


No, GosmoDuck! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!