The Dissector Special #06: Autopsy Awards 2008 Winners.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)


Thank you all for voting; here are your choices (and mine, hey, I voted first!) for the Autopsy Awards 2008:
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Best Writing Dissection:

Without a doubt, but without a landslide vote, the winner is:

W03-"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: I'm so at a loss for words on this dissection, that I should just make up a word in English for it...

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
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Best Art Dissection:

It's nice to check Wikipedia every now and then:

A02-"CIDADE MARAVILHOSA... NOT!"" (The Dissector #84, 08/13/08)

COMMENT: Good god, it's not like you can't get photos from the web...

TITLE: Casey Blue: Beyond Tomorrow (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Carlo Barbieri (penciller).

DISSECTION: Establishing shot of Sao Paulo... THE CRISTO REDENTOR STATUE WHICH IS ACTUALLY IN RIO DE JANEIRO!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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Best Coloring Dissection:

Only one vote for other nominee; but you just don't mess up when coloring Superman's costume and get away with it:
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C01a-"OH NO HE DIDN'T!" (The Dissector #67, 03/27/08)

COMMENT: This one and the next are the same mistake, made two issues in a row, and it's outrageous. Just vote for C01 if you want this one to win.

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Arcas incorrectly colors SUPERMAN'S CAPE SHIELD!!! He colors it as if it was the chest shield, blue and yellow

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Un-for-gi-va-ble.
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C01b-"WELL, IT'S JUST SUPERMAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOT A CLASSIC, RECOGNIZABLE COSTUME." (The Dissector #72, 06/25/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Good God, Arcas! How can you work as a comic book colorist and not know that Superman's CAPE emblem is all yellow, not red and yellow like his chest one?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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Best Lettering Dissection:

Joe denied any guilt on this one, but it's just very funny, and our first landslide:
L02-"WHERE'S WULVERINE AND NIGHTCRUWLER?" (The Dissector #61, 03/21/08)

COMMENT: This one is by far the funniest lettering error I've seen; coupled with the frilly font for such a macho character...

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 495.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Pfft.... look below.


Hahahaha!!!! COLUSSUS!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars
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Best Other Dissection:

This was so big, it had to get two awards:
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O03"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: This one was so big, that it had to be nominated for both categories.

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

What was the worse (or funniest, you decide) thing about this book? That when I got to the end of it, writer Nitz thanked Sergio Aragonés for "keeping it "verdadero""... Was Aragonés (who was born in Spain and grew up in Mexico) drunk? Pulling a prank on Nitz? Getting revenge for Nitz boinking his granddaughter? Because no one who actually knows Spanish would ever translate the issue as this one was... Complete and utter garbage; and the story isn't even up to Blue Beetle standards.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
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Best Quote:

You gotta love gamemasters and their flavor text:
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Q05-"You are ejected from the sliding chute like phlegm from and old sailor's nostril." B.A. Felton, Knights Of The Dinner Table #135. (The Dissector #77, 07/24/08)
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Best Moment:

Simply brilliant:
M04-From The Dissector #75 (07/22/08), Norman Osborn again, in a brilliant scene that shows (in an admittedly cliched way, but brilliant nevertheless) how utterly insane he is:


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Now, for the special awards, those based solely on numbers, or on "special" merit.
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Company With Most Dissections: DC, with 684; followed by Marvel with 327. Yeah, Countdown To Final Crisis and its policy of "at least one fuck up per issue" helped a lot.
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Book With Most Dissections: Zorro (Dynamite), with 89 dissections, against Blue Beetle's 62 (with one issue making up the bulk of it.
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Most Dissected Writer: Matt Wagner (Zorro), with 63 dissections, followed closely by MaGnUs (The Dissector) with 58.
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Most Dissected Artist: Tom Derenick (Countdown To Final Crisis), with 13, followed by Freddie E. Williams II (The Flash), and others, with 8.
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Most Dissected Colorist: John Kalisz (Rann/Thanagar Holy War, others), with 14, followed by Tom Chu (Countdown To Final Crisis), with 11.
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Most Dissected Letterer: Simon Bowland (Zorro), with 55, followed by Cory Petit (Punisher, others) with 19.
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Most Dissected "Other": Sergio Aragonés (for Blue Beetle, as translation terrorist), with 58 dissections; followed b Jordan D. White (assistant editor at Marvel), with 20.
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Single Issue With Most Dissections: Blue Beetle V8 #26 (DC Comics), for the "all-Spanish" issue, it also takes home the "Golden Bonesaw Award" for catastrophic underachievement.
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Cyclone Fashion Award To The Most Mutable Costume: Una's costume (Countdown To Final Crisis).
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Worst Quote Of The Year: "Hurry the fuck up down there! Do I need to remind yeh this's an invasion? Like with pointy swords and people dying and shit?" Unnamed Saxxon commander in the 1100s, Northlanders #7.
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That's it for this year; I'll be on the outlook for more nominees, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #113.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Several boys reached puberty and exploded in their pants upon seeing her." Narrator, about Cin (aka Cinderella). Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #54.

Amazing what Balent passes for story in his pagan smut magazine... Here we are, with the dissections for the week of 02/04, starting the month of February... and I'm still two months behind!!! The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follows: Best Book Of The Week was Final Crisis: Legion Of Three Worlds #3, just a fangasm for any Legion follower; but also good art and story. Worst Book Of The Week was Golem #1; amateurish, boring, bland.... not much more to say. Wait... it was a one-shot? Okay, now it makes even less sense... The DT! was cracked by Sully, and it was that Nemesis is called "Tressar" instead of "Tresser". Now, the dissections!
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"ASTONISHING DISSECTIONS."

TITLE: Astonishing Tales V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Kenneth Rocafort (penciller).

DISSECTION: This one's pretty easy.


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"PERRO MALO!"

TITLE: Bad Dog (Image).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Joe Kelly (writer).

DISSECTION: A storekeeper counts money in a language that resembles Spanish or Portuguese, but is fake.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, one of the characters mentions "Viagara".
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"NOT SUITABLE FOR CHUILDREN."

TITLE: Bang! Tango (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Adrian Sibar (penciller).

DISSECTION: A magazine cover advertises "Audult Content".

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"NEXT TIME, THIS TIME."

TITLE: Black Lightning Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06

CULPRIT: Rachel Gluckstern and/or Joan Hilty (editors).

DISSECTION: The "next in" blurb for issue #4 says Black Lightning will be approached by Talia al Ghul... when he was already approached by her... in this very issue...

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"WIT OR WITOUT YOU."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 112.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I wrote "wit" instead of "with". Thanks to Sully for spotting it, another badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"FREEZING CONTINUITY."

TITLE: Final Crisis: Legion Of Three Worlds (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: Polar Boy is questioned because he was a Substitute... but he was Legion leader... even with all you see in Geoff John's new continuity, that seems to have remained.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars, this could be just me. Also, two of the Brainiac's eyes are colored purple. Again.
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"GOLLUM."

TITLE: Golem (Studio 407).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Scott Barkman & Jeff Lee (writers).

DISSECTION: The word "treacherous" is spelled "trecherous".

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Also, it's "piñata" not "pinata".
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"MY GOD HAS A H.A.M.M.E.R.!"

TITLE: Invincible Iron Man V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: H.A.M.M.E.R. is shown enforcing law in different parts of the world, when it's a USA agency, not a UN agency as S.H.I.E.L.D. was.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Norman Osborn's hair and eyes are colored incorrectly.
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"QUE OPEÑA ME DA."

TITLE: Punisher V8 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Artist Jerome Opeña is credited as "Opena".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"SO SECRET, THEY DON'T KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES."

TITLE: Secret Warriors (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis & Jonathan Hickman (writers).

DISSECTION: Tony Stark is shown in a chart to be affiliated with Stark Industries, when he's no longer with them, he left everything to Pepper Pots (pending disassembling by H.A.M.M.E.R.).

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"NEXT, IN THE BOYS..."

TITLE: The Boys (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 27.

CULPRIT: Non-credited editor.

DISSECTION: The "next issue" blurb is wrong, showing the contents of this issue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"UNCANNY RESEARCH JOB,"

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: Annual #2 (2009).

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: This one belongs to the week of 01/21, I knew there was something fishy with the continuity of this issue, but I couldn't quite place my finger on the problem, so I let it go. Fortunately for us, Snakebyte did a great job of looking into the matter and putting this together:

"Let me go through this step by step.

Namor's presence indicates that this took place after Fantastic Four #4, as prior to that he was an amnesiac bum. (May 1962)

Tony Stark's general demeanor and drunken-ness indicates that he was most likely not Iron Man, therefore indicating that this takes place prior to Tales Of Suspense #39 (March 1963), or failing that during his alcoholism, at any time prior to Iron Man #184 (July 1984).

Shaw's quest for a White King indicates rather obviously that he does not HAVE a White King. This is also rather obviously the initial incarnation of the Hellfire Club, Shaw and Emma's presence being the most obvious tells. In the original incarnation of the Hellfire Club, while Shaw was in power, there have only been two white kings. One was a joint position held by Magneto and Storm. I don't have the exact issue number for this one, but it was in New Mutants, around the 50s. Roughly 1987. The previous White King was Donald Pierce, who was later expelled from the club. The expulsion occurred in the New Mutants graphic novel that took place prior to the series. 1982. As Pierce is present in this issue, quite unexpelled, this obviously takes place prior to anything New Mutants related.

So we have a timeline. Probably 1962-1963, definitely 1962-1982. The reference to Shaw's recent coup of taking over the club, and the lack of detailed knowledge on all parties concerned regarding Sentinels, suggest the earlier timeline. Not proving it, but suggesting it; as do the absences of Jason Wyngarde and Harry Leland.

Oh goddamn I just realized something else. Norman Osborn's there. Norman Osborn was presumed dead from June 1973 to 1995-1996, just after the death of Gwen Stacy. That cuts nine years off.

1962-1973.

I suppose I'll have to stop being a smug git and get to the point. =(

The crux of the issue is Selene.

The character of Selene was introduced in New Mutants #9 (November 1983), and did not leave it until New Mutants #11. Prior to that, her spirit had been trapped in Nova Roma for 'centuries', and was not able to leave after an indeterminate amount of time afterward. She joined the Hellfire Club in New Mutants #23 (January 1985).

Thus, it is impossible for Selene to be present because, in reverse chronological order:
A: Tony Stark is drunk
B: Donald Pierce is neither White King nor expelled from the Hellfire Club
C: Norman Osborn is publicly alive.

I rest my case, bitches."

Bottom line is, Selene can't be there if Pierce is still a member of the Hellfire Club's Inner Circle (and vice versa). I argued that Stark and Osborn's problems could have happened in different storyline times than the X-stuff; but Snakebyte replied by correlating stuff to events like Secret Wars. He's been reading old Marvel stuff for some time now, and I read all that stuff like fifteen years ago... congratulations for a research task well done, and thanks for the stuff you contribute to this column.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"COLOSSAL COLOSSUS."

TITLE: X-Men Vs. Hulk (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Jheremy Raapack (penciller)

DISSECTION: Yes, Jheremy. We know Colossus is a big guy... but he's not an entire meter (or more) taller than Kitty Pryde and Wolverine, not even in his armored form. Nor does he change sizes while in human form.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. A passable one-shot, surprisingly so considering it's written by Chris Claremont; who's not been up to his former skills lately.
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That's done, then and we get a 5.8 Bazzars average on twenty dissections... there you go. The voting on the Autopsy Awards is over; I shall be posting the results soon. I must say that while I'm a bit sad I didn't get votes from more folks, it's probably my fault as I haven't met my (self-imposed) deadlines at all these past months. As a matter of fact, I'm more than two months behind. I think I'm going to write larger columns, one for each month (one for the remaining weeks of February, one for all of March, and one for what's passed of April), to catch up. A bit against my usual modus operandi, but desperate times...

Let's check out the Moments Of The Week before I go and feel depressed about being so behind. First up, Legion fangasm!



*drools* Wow, that's amazing... Then...


He's back! Now, what are friends for?


If not for warning you about transvestites? And finally:


Nice outfit, Professor Charles Picard! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!