DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)
[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]
"Yuri is greatest hero of the Revolution and shit. Anyone who argues other the wise can eat asshole biscuits in Hell." Yuri, Ignition City #3.
This is the story of the continuing efforts of a man to catch up with his col... wait, I'm already caught up? Well, to quote the (not so) great Kitster Chanchani Banai "THAT IS SO WIZARD!" So, let's get on with the column for the week of 05/28; the DT! for the last column was cracked by, surprise, Snakebyte, who correctly pointed out that Blüdhaven was lacking the umlaut. You can't be hardcöre without an umlaut.
Let's move on to The Dissector's Picks Of The Week. Best Book Of The Week was, once more, Amazing Spider-Man #595; it has all we need: good art, great characterization, Peter worrying about his loved ones and being frustrated at not being able to take down Norman, and of course, Norman being a manipulative motherfucker, which is much better than just "ha-ha-ha-ha I'm crazy batshit Green Goblin!!!" You want an example of Norman's Palpatinic manipulations? Check out the Moments Of The Week at the end of this column. Oh, and by the way, how does Andy Lanning co-write about half a dozen books a month with Dan Abnett and still have time to ink this book (among others)?
Close second for Best Book Of The Week was the first issue of The Last Days Of Animal Man, but while the issue was good, it just lacked the awesomeness it required for Best Book. Still, a solid read with good writing by experienced pro Gerry Conway and nice art by Chris Batista. Read it.
Worst Book Of The Week was, unsurprisingly, Trinity #52... the only good thing about it is that it was the last issue. Kurt Busiek's and Fabian Nicieza's drawn out, weak, unimaginative plot, which could have been told in two or three issues, finally comes to a rest. How? Well, with a tying up of loose ends and a party at the Keystone Coffee Pier where both heroes and villains can chillax and have a drink, because, of course, since reality is re-arranging itself, nobody will remember secret identities that they shouldn't know. What?
Top that with four different artists, Mark Bagley, Mike Norton, Tom Derenick, and Scott McDaniel, who give the final issue a disjointed look. At best, the art is mediocre, and at worst, it's... well, this:
Eww.... Now, there was one good thing to come out of Trinity: Primat. Girly gorilla? Sold! Wait, no... I'm not a furry!!!
See, she's just fun and cute! You can't see it in that picture, but she's wearing pigtails! Okay, okay. Dissections...
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"WORLD WAR II OF FAKE LANGUAGES!"
TITLE: Airboy - 1942: Best Of Enemies (Moonstone).
ISSUE: One-shot.
CULPRIT: Chuck Dixon (writer).
DISSECTION: Ah, some nice WWII fun, with a good mixture of modern and retro art. Unfortunately, there are some errors; the German is mostly wrong (thanks to Dominik for that), as well as most of the Russian; thanks to Rodiath and his mother for checking the Russian language. Badges for all of them!
In particular, I wanted to highlight a scene in which Soviet mechanics talk in English, but inside brackets, meaning its translated from Russian or some other local language; but it's still written in "bad English", such as "Is no good."
DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, having two artists in the book should make the editors mindful of having them follow the same character designs; Airboy gets a haircut between pages.
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"DANGER! WOLVERINE IMPOSTOR! WATCH OUT, SPIDEY!"
TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).
ISSUE: 595.
CULPRIT: Chris Chuckry (colorist).
DISSECTION: Now, is it so hard to remember that Wolverine has blue eyes?
DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"YOU'RE THE FIRST, THE BEST, THE ONLY PANTHER!"
TITLE: Avengers/Invaders (Marvel).
ISSUE: 11 of 12.
CULPRIT: Tom Brennan (assistant editor) and/or Stephen Wacker (editor).
DISSECTION: The Avengers and the Invaders are fighting alongside the Black Panther from the period; perhaps T'Chaka, although he shouldn't be alive then; whoever it is, it's certainly not "the original Black Panther" as the recap calls him.
DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Also, why is the word "original" written with a capital "o"? And there's some bad German too (badge for Dominik), not to mention...
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"INVADING THIS AVENGING DISSECTION."
TITLE: Avengers/Invaders (Marvel).
ISSUE: 11 of 12.
CULPRIT: Steve Sadowski & Patrick Berkentotter (artists), maybe even Tom Mason (colorist).
DISSECTION: Catch this one, it's pretty simple.
DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"BATMAN IN BARCELÖNA."
TITLE: Batman In Barcelona: Dragon's Knight (DC).
ISSUE: One-shot.
CULPRIT: Steve Wands (letterer).
DISSECTION: Now, this issue is a bag of lame; while it's not bad, it's filler crap at its best. Writer Mark Waid puts in a few unbelievable ideas, such as Batman not being recognized outside of Gotham (Justice League, anyone?), or him not being able to sneak a utility belt through customs (he built Brother Eye, he has access to alien tech, and the best tech humanity has to offer); and there's a few Spanish language mistakes too.
However, what made me cringe were the accents on letters in Spanish or Catalá; I'm used by now (even if I hate it) to letterers making accented vowels smaller in languages like these, but Wands takes the cake here. Look at this couple of examples:
Not only are the accented letters about three quarters the size of the rest of the font (and almost half in some other cases), but also, he's made the accents as almost horizontal lines above the letters! Good God!!!
DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"YES CAPTÄIN!"
TITLE: Battlefields: The Tankies (Dynamite).
ISSUE: 02 of 03.
CULPRIT: Garth Ennis (writer).
DISSECTION: An officer of the SS is given (in a German dialogue) the rank of "Sturmbanfuhrer", when the rank should actually be "Sturmbannführer". Incidentally, this is the SS rank equivalent to a Wehrmacht (army) Major, and it translates as "Storm Unit Leader".
DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"NOT HOLDING IT CORRECTLY, PER SAI."
TITLE: Dark Reign: Elektra (Marvel).
ISSUE: 03 of 05.
CULPRIT: Lee Bermejo (cover artist).
DISSECTION: Bermejo again has Elektra grip her sai on the cover incorrectly.
DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"THE SNAKE AND THE DOE BYTE."
TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).
ISSUE: 117.
CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).
DISSECTION: Of course, Snakebyte finds dissections in my dissections. I had one typo that made a sentence sound weird; and most importantly, I credited Chris Claremont with creating Cecilia Reyes, when it was Scott Lobdell. Two badges for Snake.
DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. One badge for JohnnyDoe too, for finding that I had an extra "it" in the Cecilia Reyes dissection.
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"HE'S A STREET LEVEL KIND OF GUY."
TITLE: Gotham Gazette: Batman Alive (DC).
ISSUE: One-shot.
CULPRIT: Alex Konat & Mark McKenna (artists for the Harvey Bullock story).
DISSECTION: I doubt Commissioner Gordon's office is street level? Also, not a dissection, but using a year (2009) for the dates in newspapers and such is not a great idea in a superhero comic with sliding timelines.
DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"BLACK LANTERN."
TITLE: Green Lantern V4 (DC).
ISSUE: 41.
CULPRIT: Hi-Fi & Rod Reis (colorists).
DISSECTION: The circle of the emblem on Hal and John's costumes should be white, not black.
DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Thanks to Kal for noticing this, badge for him.
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"INCREDIBLE ACCENTS."
TITLE: Incredible Hercules (Marvel).
ISSUE: 129.
CULPRIT: Simon Bowland (letterer).
DISSECTION: Bowland, as usual, makes accented letters smaller, including those in the name of colorist Raúl Treviño. And I actually noticed these two when I was looking at the credits to see who the letterer was.
DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars for each.
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"BLACK LANTERN RAGE!!!"
TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).
ISSUE: 33.
CULPRIT: Rags Morales (penciller).
DISSECTION: Ugh, I don't know if Rags Morales is just not putting any effort to these issues, or if the inker and colorists are destroying his art.
In any case, why the hell is John Stewart holding up his fist in "BLACK RAGE!" style to provide light with his ring? He can create a globe that floats with him, or light that spreads from his ring without him having to carry his fist like a torch...
DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, Vixen's incredibly large hand is big enough to cover John Stewart's chest emblem, apparently.
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"MADAMA SHANADU."
TITLE: Madame Xanadu (DC/Vertigo).
ISSUE: 11.
CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).
DISSECTION: As with Zorro, I'm enjoying this book by Wagner, but same as the aforementioned comic, this particular issue has several non-English language mistakes, all in Spanish, except for one in Latin.
DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars for each. At least letterer Jared K. Fletcher can get accented letters right.
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"OKAY, SOMEONE IN WAKANDA JUST FARTED!"
TITLE: New Avengers (Marvel).
ISSUE: 53.
CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer).
DISSECTION: Brian, are we really supposed to believe that Wolverine's sense of smell is so good he can specify that a person is four blocks away, in the middle of a city, with brimstoney explosions
DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Methinks this is an exaggeration.
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"NORTHALNDERS."
TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo).
ISSUE: 17.
CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer).
DISSECTION: "Relfexes" instead of "reflexes".
DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzars.
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"OUT OF YOUR WORLDMIND."
TITLE: Nova V4 (Marvel).
ISSUE: 25.
CULPRIT: Dan Abnett & Andy Lanning (writer).
DISSECTION: Ego/Worldmind says "Xanadarian" instead of "Xandarian".
DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"DRAW HER ANY YOUNGER, AND SHE'LL BE A CRAWLAWAY..."
TITLE: Runaways V3 (Marvel).
ISSUE: 10.
CULPRIT: Sara Pichelli (artist, "Mollifest Destiny").
DISSECTION: For the Nth time... Molly Hayes is not a midget, she's not five, she's a thirteen-year-old girl, who is NOT half as tall as Wolverine. Pichelli also draws her with short arms and facial features belonging to five-year-old kids...
DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Also, Klara, although she's probably smaller than a modern pre-teen, due to her background, should not be as small as she's drawn, and should not change sizes between panels. Last, I thought Christina Strain had colored Molly's eyes incorrectly, but she confirmed that her eyes are indeed green. However (I'm sorry, CeeCee), she did color Klara's way too light in the first story.
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"LIGHT IN YOUR EYES."
TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).
ISSUE: 688.
CULPRIT: David Curiel (colorist).
DISSECTION: Dr. Light (Hoshi Kimiyo) has black eyes, but here they're colored brown.
DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"RINGING ALAN SCOTT."
TITLE: Trinity (DC).
ISSUE: 52.
CULPRIT: Tom Derenick (penciller).
DISSECTION: Alan Scott's ring doesn't look like it should.
DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Vixen's costume is again colored brown.
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"SCALPED?"
TITLE: War Machine V2 (Marvel).
ISSUE: 06.
CULPRIT: Greg Pak.
DISSECTION: War Machine, wanted under the Superhuman Registration Act, and whatever laws have put Norman Osborn in charge of H.A.M.M.E.R. and all that jazz, takes refuge in an Indian reservation; and apparently, he'll be safe inside the "rez", under tribal law. Uhm, no. Tribal law applies to everyday stuff, but someone who breaks Federal law is persecuted even inside reservation borders. If you have any questions, just ask my new to-go-guy for Tribal Law, Charles S. Aspinwall, Attorney At Law, Cowboy Of Regulations
And he kind of looks like my dad, but in a Cowboy Parallel Universe version!!!!! First my dad looks like a Sinestro Corps Member, then he looks like a Starfleet engineer... and now a Cowboy Lawyer!!! At least they share a profession (lawyer, not cowboy).
DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. I had a dissection similar to this one, which only got 8 Bazzars, but this time around it's not about a tribal citizen avoiding charges for not being registered; but rather a fugitive fleeing Federal authorities by running into a reservation. Federal authorities (and particularly H.A.M.M.E.R.) would not stop at the "rez" border. Just ask Chuck Aspinwall.
On another note, I'd like to congratulate my dad for being named judge for the Inter-American Court of Human Rights. He's one of Uruguay's (and the Americas') top lawyers, a great teacher, father, and excellent person, and I'm very proud of him. He'll be rocking one of these snazzy robes, yet no wig. I think I'll get him a Green Lantern emblem so I can pretend he's a Guardian Of The Universe. CONGRATULATIONS DAD!!!
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"LE ACCENT, MA PETIT."
TITLE: X-Men: Legacy (Marvel).
ISSUE: 224.
CULPRIT: Cory Petit (letterer).
DISSECTION: The accents in Gambit's French make the accented letters smaller, three times.
DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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Well, a heap of dissections for this week, seventy-two, with an average of 6.6 Bazzars. Nice. Now, the Moments Of The Week, so I can put this column to bed. First up, Battlefields is good (well, except for Dear Billy), but Tankies is the best so far... look at this:
A chap in your tracks!!! Damn, that's priceless and I love it! Next, Norman Osborn's manipulations at its best:
So, Harry's (Goblin serum injected) girl has a (goblin serum fucked up) bun in her oven, courtesy of Harry... or Norman? Both of them with goblin serum in them, I bet! And finally:
Yes, finally! Gambit and Rogue finally, after around fifteen years, What they could have done with an inhibitor collar, or a five-buck bribe to Leech! That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...
THE DISSECTOR!
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