The Dissector #168.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"(...) there are promises one makes to oneself, having lived through a holocaust. I'm afraid these promises preclude me from watching the extermination of my people in a reclining position. See to your patients, Dr. McCoy. I will see to our enemies." Max Eisenhardt, aka Magneto, New Mutants V3 #14.

Now, this was a weird week... very few dissections... a short rundown... and no "Worst Book", but a "Less Good Book"... Weird indeed. Emerre correctly noticed in last week's DT! that The Thing should have hurt his knuckles, not his fingers. The way it was drawn, it looks like he was backhand pimp-slapping the force field instead of punching it. Badge for you, Emerre, and please accept the rank of Lieutenant in the HDSC!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow: Best Book Of The Week was The Boys #43, its quality always constant. Worst Book Of The Week? None, really. Even stuff like Heralds (unremarkable) or Joker's Asylum II: Harley Quinn (predictable, niche-pandering) weren't bad... so I had to choose Ultimate X #3, for two reasons: 1) the story wasn't enough for a whole issue, it was a waste of pages, and 2) Art Adam's work wasn't as hot as usual.

The World's Shortest Rundown: The Amazing Spider-Man Presents: Black Cat (accented letters), Atlas (blue eyes on Jimmy Woo?), New Mutants V3 (Beast's eyes are colored wrong), R.E.B.E.L.S (small ñ), X-Factor Forever (Brazil/Argentina? One, the other, or both?).
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"SALTIEST DAY."

TITLE: Brightest Day (DC).

ISSUE: 04 of 26.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns & Peter J. Tomasi (writers).

DISSECTION: Ronnie Raymond dreams of Gehenna, Jason Rusch's girlfriend, courtesy of Jason, and wakes up covered in salt, the room filled with salt grains... but how does his friend, who enters the room to find that scene, knows it's salt, and not coke, dandruff, or talc?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Hawkman's eyes and hair continue to be colored incorrectly.
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"HURRAH WIDE KID."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 167.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I spelled Rawhide Kid's name was "Rahwide", and JohnnyDoe noticed that, apart from two other small errors on my part.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Three badges for JD, and he makes the rank of Commander!
<-------------------------------->
"YO DT!"

TITLE: G.I. Joe (IDW).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: S.L. Gallant (penciller).

DISSECTION: Now, take a look at this panel:


What's odd?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. There's also a horribly drawn Union Jack.
<-------------------------------->
"WEB OF CONTINUITY."

TITLE: Web Of Spider-Man V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Tom Brennan (editor).

DISSECTION: The "Bugle Girl" newsbytes mention H.A.M.M.E.R. and its agents as if it was still an active and lawful organization... yet Spider-Man is working out of Avengers Tower.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WEB OF LIES."

TITLE: Web Of Spider-Man V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Fred Van Lente (writer, The Extremist).

DISSECTION: The villain's origin story centers on a woman trying to convince Professor Xavier that her child is a mutant, and that he must enroll him in his school. This is said to happen "many years ago", back when Cyclops was a teenager (or at least a very young adult, as he's very slim and wearing a bowtie)... but the status of Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters as a school for mutants was, and has been for most of its existence, a complete secret.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. And I noticed something else while reviewing this entry... The front gate plate of the school reads incorrectly "Xavier Institute For Higher Learning", a name the school wouldn't sport for many years.
<-------------------------------->
That short column gives us a 6.5 Bazzars average, in the shockingly low amount of seventeen dissections. Weird week, no doubt about that... Now, the Cover Of The Week... what can I say other than... CHEESECAKE!!!


Thank you, J. Scott Campbell. The Moments Of The Week start with the birth of a Legion Of Super-Heroes villain:


From dead star, to disco star! Then, another star is not dead...


It's time to get dangerous!!! Great return for Darkwing Duck, the first issue of the book was just like watching the TV show. Who else returns?


HULK!!! And he's pissed... even his veins are hulking out! Then, another strongman gets strong-armed:


That's gotta hurt... But when the going gets tough, Cyclops asks Xavier to do something very, very sensible:


Yes, weaponize Legion, his own kid, and one of the most insane and dangerous mutants ever! And speaking of dangerous mutants...


Be scared, enemies of mutantkind... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #167.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"You've probably noticed a teenager in the building lording over you, treating everyone as if they have the mental capacity of toast. No, not me--the other one." Amadeus Cho, Heroic Age: Prince Of Power #2.

And here's another week, more or less in time. Last week's DT! was spotted, just in the nick of time, by David, who correctly pointed out the fact that Colonel Nazi's medals seem to be placed just on his ribcage, and not in any sensible place for military medals. Badge for you, and welcome to the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps, Ensign David!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are pulp, completely. One is a good example, however, and the other one is... crap. The Best Book Of The Week is Tom Strong And The Robots Of Doom #1; the return of Tom Strong to comics is an occasion of joy, and while writer Peter Hogan is not Alan Moore, he seems to be able to carry on... and well, Chris Sprouce is made for this book... well, he made this book. On the other hand, you have DC's Doc Savage #3... It's been just barely passable until now, but this issue's script was a mess, all over the place, characters don't have their own voices, the action is confusing... writer Paul Malmont is slipping, and he wasn't standing very tall to begin with. And Howard Porter's art is irregular, and too manga-inspired to be appropriate for Doc Savage... not only that, but look at the faces he draws. That's from issue #2; #3's art is marginally better, it was actually Malmont's writing that made me choose it as a Worst Book Of The Week... JG Jones covers, however, could win Cover Of The Week any time now... just not this week, sorry.

The Rundown: Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis (Emma is shorter than Wolverine, basically a midget, McCoy says "mutant pathology" instead of "physiology", Storm not only has a mohawk, but the mohawk has a pony tail that's two meters long... she didn't have that last issue, Emma's hair is super long too, Storm's eyes are white when she's not using her powers, Beast looks like a bulldog, and Armor's eyes should be blue), Avengers Academy ("iriduim" instead of "iridium", Reptil's eyes should be green, not blue), Batman (Riddler's hair should be black, and while awesome-looking, the Batcave plans included at the end of the book look absolutely nothing like what's actually shown in the comics), Captain America V1 (how is Fixer with Zemo?), Doom Patrol V5 (a caduceus as a medical symbol, accented letter), The Expendables (horrible Spanish, accented letter), Heralds (She-Hulk's hairstyle is nothing like it's currently, accented letter), Justice League: Generation Lost ("da Costa", not "Dacosta", Captain Atom's boots should be blue), Kato (Naoko is a female name, and a guy is called that by Kato), Meta4 (another caduceus...), Outsiders V4 (Alfred's full head of hair is nothing like he's shown in other books), Titans V2 (Deathstroke's boots are wrong), Ultimate Avengers 2 ("Leanord" instead of "Leonard"), Ultimate Comics Spider-Man (JJJ's eyes are brown on the cover, yet correctly blue on the cover), X-Men: Hellbound (accented letter), X-Men Forever 2 (it's "tesseract", not "tesserect", Chris; accented letters, and Ororo's eyes are white while not using her powers), Young Allies (Spanish, accented letters).
<-------------------------------->
"A KISS UNDER THE MISTLETOE."

TITLE: Heroic Age: Prince Of Power (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Greg Pak & Fred Van Lente (writers).

DISSECTION: Vali Halfling menaces Hebe with "mistletoe bullets"? I'm sorry, but that's lazy... I mean, I'm pretty sure they know that mistletoe only harmed Balder in the Norse myths because it didn't sign the same agreement all living creatures had signed... even if you say it's specially enchanted mistletoe... it's wrong, it's like using specially enchanted kryptonite to kill DC's Captain Marvel... Use something from the Greek myths, come on.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

TITLE: The Rawhide Kid V4 (Marvel)

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Ron Zimmerman (writer).

DISSECTION: Cristo Pike makes a reference to "Tonto", and the context he makes it in doesn't make it seem like anything but a reference to the Lone Ranger's companion...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, the word "comanchero" is wrongly spelled "commanchero"; and in a weird scene, Rahwide Kid enters the town jail to find Annie Oakley inside a cell... but then she's outside or he's inside or something and it's very weird...
<-------------------------------->
"HAB SOSLI' QUCH!"

TITLE: Star Trek: Leonard McCoy, Frontier Doctor (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: John Byrne (writer).

DISSECTION: Sum qeylIS 'etlh, John Byrne! There is no Klingon emperor in the time period you're writing your comics!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"X-MEN: SECOND DISSECTING."

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 525.

CULPRIT: Terry Dodson (penciller).

DISSECTION: An impenetrable force field surrounds the San Francisco area, and while Reed Richards and Tony Stark put their minds to bringing it down, Thor and The Thing put their might to it. But what's wrong with this picture?


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Reed Richards' eyes and Dr. Nemesis' hair are colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
Well, a 7.1 Bazzars average in 45 dissections... pretty high, as things go... but that was to be expected this time around. Now, Cover Of The Week is this wonderful Chris Sprouce pencilled cover, with Karl Story on inks, and Carrie Strachan on colors:


Just... beautiful. The Moments Of The Week are exactly five, and here goes the first one:


You see, Hank Pym's not one of my favorite characters, but I like him when he's well written. Then, Bendis and Lafuente know how to balance humor with drama and action in Ultimate Spidey... and here's some humor:


Hehehe... Then, Ted McKeever's Meta4 had just the right amount of weirdness, but without resorting to excessive oneiric crap like other writers do. The cover, however, made me think of El Eternauta a bit:


I don't know, I wonder if Ted has read El Eternauta. Now, back to Marvel, Spider-Man and Dr. Strange compare notes:


This was a pretty oneiric LSD trip mini, but readable, and this part made me smile. But this made me laugh:


Tanjing funny! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #166.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"She was beautiful, I'll give him that. But to be smitten with someone who isn't me? The very idea of it makes me want to strangle children. Then again, what doesn't?" The Joker, Joker's Asylum II: The Riddler.

Late, I know... but it's the Football World Cup's fault! After a lackluster debut match where Uruguay tied, with no goals, with France, I bring you the column for comics released on 06/03; plus few older stuff... like Scott Pilgrim. Man, I didn't know anything about this comic except for the fact that it existed... then I saw the second trailer for the movie, and I HAD to read the comics. So I got my hands on the five (out of six) volumes published, plus the FCBD special... and I read them in like, a week. Very funny, great (if simplistic) art, and a straightforward but perfectly crafted story. I heartily recommend it... around 800 pages and only TWO dissections, and they were accented letters!

So, who cracked the DT! last week? Donald313, who correctly pointed out that it was weird that Poison Ivy was all dehydrated in the... well, dehydration chamber, but the little sprout she had in her pocket was all fresh... The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are the following: Best Book Of The Week was Hawkeye & Mockingbird #1... was it an amazing story? No, but it was well-written. Is the art Earth-shattering? Nope, but it's clean, dynamic, and tells the story well. My congratulations to writer Jim McCann, penciller David López, inker Alvaro López, colorist Nathan Fairbairn, and letterer Cory Petit for a very well done book.

Worst Book Of The Week? Heralds #1... pointless book to get female characters together for this whole Women Of Marvel thing, and it's got a weak story. Tonci Zonjic's art is good for this kind of girly book, but I found it a bit too bland this time around; while writer Kathryn Immonen is highly irregular, wowing me one week with a story, and boring me the next one with a different tale...

The Rundown: Adventure Comics V1 (RJ Brande talks like Apu), The Amazing Spider-Man (Stan Lee's eyes should be blue), Avengers Prime (Maria Hill's hair is wrong), Avengers: The Origin ("mirco" instead of "micro"), Brightest Day (Hawkman's eyes and hair are wrong), Captain America/Black Panther: Flags Of Our Fathers (wrong German, accented letters, and a sign in English in Wakanda), Cavewoman Extinction ("Dios' mio"), Darkstar And The Winter Guard (an accented letter in the old backup story), G.I. Joe Origins (it's "punto y banca", not "... y banco"), Heralds (accented letter), JSA All-Stars (Atom Smasher and Ted Grant get their hair colored incorrectly, and a hologram of Damage has blank eyes, even with his mask off), Red Hood: The Lost Days ("affect" instead of "effect"), Scott Pilgrim (accented letters), Superman/Batman (Luthor's eyes change color between panels).
<-------------------------------->
"DISSECTORG."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 57.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: My reader Sidney noticed that on four occasions I spelled Marvel Handbook writer Michael Hoskin's last name "Hosking". Badge for you, Sidney.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars each.
<-------------------------------->
"RIDDLE ME THIS, RIDDLE ME THAT... WHO'S WEARING THE MANTLE OF THE BAT?"

TITLE: Joker's Asylum II: The Riddler (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Andres Guinaldo (penciller).

DISSECTION: If you're going to tell a flashback story, to when the Riddler wasn't a detective, don't dress Batman with Dick Grayson's current costume... since it's Bruce.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Not only Guinaldo does that, but he draws the bat emblems wrong. Plus, Riddler's hair is brown, when it should be black.
<-------------------------------->
"SPOT WHAT WAS SPOTTED!"

TITLE: Justice Society Of America V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 39.

CULPRIT: Jesus Merino (penciller).

DISSECTION: Roy noticed this one, badge for him... but see if you can spot it:


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WHAT, THESE OLD TOYS?"

TITLE: Justice Society Of America V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 39.

CULPRIT: Bill Willingham (writer).

DISSECTION: You know what big flaw I find in this story? That the purported Darkness Engine works to negate superpowers, be they magical, technological, or biological in origin... including Green Lantern rings and Reach scarabs... but the super mecha armors the nazis have in the concentration camp work perfectly? Sorry, I don't buy that much...

It's made very clear that they kept it restricted to North America when they wanted to send their Nazi metahumans to crush rebellion in Europe and South America... plus, it's pretty obvious that if you have super mecha armors inside the camp guarding the metahumans whose powers you want to keep negated... well, it's spelled out.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HANDBOOK MADNESS."

TITLE: Official Handbook Of The Marvel Universe Hardcover (Marvel).

ISSUE: 14.

CULPRIT: Madison Carter (writer).

DISSECTION: Sidney found a buttload of errors in this Handbook; the worst one was in the Zodiac entry, were the character identified as Aquarius is actually Pisces. HAH!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars; and a whopping total of twelve errors in this book... and those are only the ones Sidney found. He gets himself more badges, and gets promoted to Lieutenant!
<-------------------------------->
"CYCLOPS SMASH!"

TITLE: X-Men Forever V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: Giant-Size 01

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer) or Mike Grell (penciller)

DISSECTION: Don't tell me Gladiator has powers based on his self-confidence and yadda yadda... I know that. Why the hell is Cyclops punching Gladiator? Instead of, you know, letting loose with those mega-destructive eyebeams he has?

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. There are also several other mistakes, blank eyes for no reason, accented letters, etc... and the background old story by Claremont (art by Byrne) claims Wolverine weights 70 kilos...
<-------------------------------->
Fifty-two dissections (52, there's that number again...) give us a 6.6 Bazzars average... there were a few 10s; but I guess everything has to be awfully high in order for the average to go up dramatically... Now, Cover Of The Week is by a regular, and from the Best Book Of The Week... Jelena Kevic-Djurdevic gives us Mockingbird:


Feminine, and intimidating at the same time... Moments of The Week, Mockingbird's husband can shoot an arrow at a bullet!


Pure awesomeness!!! Then, Scott Pilgrim might have kick-ass videogame fights, but it's the little human moments, the funny ones and the romantic or dramatic ones, that actually make the story so great... and here's one of the funny ones:


BACON! And speaking of awesome things.... not:


Marvel finally gets a character named Tesla, and he's a mullet-sporting "renegade scientist"??!?!? I CRY FOUL! And for the last Moment Of The Week, have you ever wondered why don't other, more respectable heroes come out and say "Hey, Spider-Man is a good guy! Stop badmouthing him!" Here's why:


Spidey's afraid he'll drag them down... or at least was in the beginning, and sealed his fate. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #165.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Hank... you don't even think anywhere near the box." Luke Cage, about Hank Pym, Thunderbolts #144.

Bienvenidos to another column, this time for books (mostly) released on 05/26; making it the last May comics column. Last week's DT! was cracked by Sidney, who correctly pointed out that Colossus isn't growing in height and size when he armors up. Welcome to the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps, Ensign Sidney!

Let me tell you what The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are; Best Book Of The Week was Thunderbolts #144... Jeff Parker just gets the characters he's working with, and Luke Cage is a perfect choice for Thunderbolts leader; while Kev Walker's art is a fitting match for the book. The book itself, this issue in particular, is a "building the team" story that doesn't actually feel slow or like not reading an actual worthwhile story when you finish... and let's not talk about the end twist... just check it out later in the Moments Of The Week.

Worst Book Of The Week... well, Teen Titans #83 was pretty bad, with poorly written scenes that are missing dialogues and actions, awful character action choices, poor art (seriously, Superboy looks like Jim Carrey in Dumb And Dumber), and a severe mix-up of speech balloons in one of the most important scenes in the story. But X-Men: Blind Science was also out this week!

Writer Simon Spurrier fails... well, he fails to make me believe he actually pitched this story to an editor and that editor accepted it without blackmail being involved. Not only is the most unnecessary kind of tie-in (the one that happens between two panels in the main story and is an ill-fit, time wise), but it's also one of the worst examples in comic book writing I've seen in a long time. And I read Rock Solid & The Steel Bots or something like that last year...

Is the story premise actually that bad? Well no, besides the fact that it's clichéd and predictable (halfway by the issue I already knew what the twist was), but it has one of the worst characterizations EVER... of a character nobody cares about, admittedly, but still. Dr. Nemesis, you know him? Yeah, I thought you wouldn't... even people who have been reading the X-Men books for the past couple of years might have a hard time remembering him.

He's some kind of mutant scientist that used to belong in Ace Periodicals; and when he lapsed into public domain, Roy Thomas used him in the 1993 Invaders mini-series, where he actually joined a Nazi super team. True story. In a fictitious kind of way, of course. But Matt Fraction decided to use him and retconned (I think it was a retcon) that he was repentant of his activities as a Nazi and had spent his time since the 40s hunting down Nazi scientists and their dangerous creations.

Fraction might have even retconned him into being a mutant; but that's beside the point. His entire characterization in Uncanny X-Men and other x-books he's appeared in as part of the X-Club (the scientific team Hank McCoy put together to reverse the effects of M-Day) has been that of a man with a superiority complex and little patience for "lesser fools", using sarcastic remarks from time to time to set himself apart from his "peers". Let me find examples of similar character... Brainiac 5 in the Legion of Super-Heroes, or Keith Giffen's portrayal of Namor.

What does Spurrier do? He turns him into a caricature, a buffoon that not only bosses people around in a way he doesn't do in his regular appearances (Spurrier doesn't seem to be able to handle sarcasm and a superiority complex at all), but he also "rallies" his "team" with the utterly ridiculous "SCIENCE, HOOOO!" (I'm not kidding you) and talks about his power saying "Science-Gaze sees all, brainfail! There WILL be crotch-punching!" WHAT THE FLYING FUCK???!? Come on, not even counting the glaring science and continuity mistakes (see the dissections in this column), this story is weak, and Spurrier either is a very poor writer, or he hasn't read any of the twenty or so issues of Uncanny X-Men where Dr. Nemesis has been a supporting character (sometimes even taking center-stage, like when they went to the past to get blood samples from his parents).

How much did this comic suck? Well, judge for yourself, when was the last time I wrote so much about one of the Picks, even the Worst Book? That, and I have ABSOLUTELY no kind of interest in Dr. Nemesis, who I believe to be a piss-poor supporting character choice on Fraction's part.

The Rundown: Angel (Spanish language errors), Batman: The Return Of Bruce Wayne (Morrison writes nonsense about Vanishing Point just to make it fit into a needless plot point; "inocent"), Doomwar (Doom's eyes should be brown, not green), Fantastic Four V1 (Artie is mute, yet speaks, Reed Richard's eyes on one of the covers are blue, when he has brown eyes), Ghostbusters: Displaced Aggression (French names accented for no reason), G.I. Joe: Hearts & Minds (Dutch language errors), God Complex ("preformed"), Green Lantern V4 (Hal Jordan's badge), Green Lantern Corps V2 (multiple badge errors, including badges that change shapes between panels, and badges that are ridiculously small), Justice League: Generation Lost (Batman is Dick Grayson, so his costume was wrong last issue, and in this one... Captain Atom's boots keep getting colored incorrectly, and Guy Gardner's eyes are the wrong color too), Justice League: The Rise Of Arsenal (Lian's eyes are the wrong color, Batman's belt and chest emblems are wrong, and his chest emblem changes shape between pages), Lockjaw And The Pet Avengers Unleashed ("all mythical creatures share a telepathic bond..." what?), Robocop (accented letter), Secret Avengers (Beast eyes are wrong on the cover and inside the book, and change between panels, Nova's eyes are visible behind his mask in one cover, the Black Widow's eyes are wrong on that same cover, Ant-Man's hair is colored incorrectly, and there are some mixed up speech balloons), Star Trek Movie Adaptation (Spock's eyes shouldn't be blue, and Chekov not only looks nothing like the actor, he also changes appearances between pages AND panels... it's what you get for working with two pencillers in one issue), Superman: War Of The Supermen (Chris Kent's eyes should be brown), Weapon X Noir ("Trainisia" and "fiancée" shouldn't have an accent on the second "e"), Wonder Woman V3 ("an" instead of "a"), X-Force V3 (gigantic ankle wings for Namor).
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"ECONOMIC SAVIOR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 164.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Donald313, this column's foremost (and as far as I know, only) German reader (no Dom, you're not German, you're Swiss :) noticed I wrote that Saturn Girl saved people from falling "ruble"... I meant pieces of falling masonry, not the declining Russian currency.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. And a badge for Donald, who is only five away from making Commander.
<-------------------------------->
"SIRENS OF DISSECTION."

TITLE: Gotham City Sirens (DC).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: Tony Bedard (writer).

DISSECTION: Wait, Paul Dini's out already? In any case, what's wrong with the scene below?


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"LET'S CALL ROUGE SQUADRON."

TITLE: Green Hornet: Year One (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: Now, Matt Wagner is either dyslexic, or has monkeys writing for him. Either way, hitting "spell check" in his computer, must be real hard. Non-withstanding the constant rape of the Spanish language in Zorro, he keeps failing at English too. Issue #3 of this comic has "devestated" and "discrace", and there have been numerous cases like that.

This issue, #2 (I got both issues at once), he writes "expantionist", which, on its own, wouldn't be that bad, if you don't consider Wagner's record... AND THE FACT THAT IN THE SAME FUCKING SENTENCE HE WRITES "EMPORER" INSTEAD OF "EMPEROR"!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!! SPELLCHECK THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR SCRIPTS!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, because of the sheer idiocy. There are also Japanese words inside translation brackets... one day I'm going to run into Wagner at a convention and he's going to hire people to beat the crap out of me.
<-------------------------------->
"CRIMSON DISSECTION."

TITLE: Luna Carmesí (GAS).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Taibox (letterer).

DISSECTION: It's in Spanish, but you can read the second prize winning comic in the 2010 Montevideo Comics contest, by downloading it here, by writer Peter Parker and artist/colorist/letterer Taibox... however, the word "dios"; "god" in Spanish, shouldn't have an accent on the "o".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Roy spotted this one, so he gets a badge.
<-------------------------------->
"LEGALESE."

TITLE: Peter Parker (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03.

CULPRIT: Bob Gale (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm not in the mood to do extensive legal research, but there's a villain that changes the way people perceive colors, and Michele Gonzales says that she could get him off the hook if she was his lawyer, because "there's no law against disrupting human color perception". I'm pretty sure there are plenty of laws against altering people's perceptions...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Michele and JJJ get their eyes colored incorrectly, too.
<-------------------------------->
"BY HOLO-CROM!"

TITLE: Star Wars: Invasion - Rescues (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 01 of 06.

CULPRIT: Tom Taylor (writer).

DISSECTION: Pretty crappy comic, both plot and artwise, sadly. In particular, no one is surprised that a Jedi holocron is filled with current information, instead of Jedi lore.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. They also claim it "transmits" information, when it just plays it, and a Bothan looks awful.
<-------------------------------->
"SPLEEN TITANS."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 83.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: There are a few very serious speech balloon mix-ups, with dialogues that should be said by Miss Martian pointing to Wonder Girl, not just once, but several times.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. There are also weirdly written dialogues like "keyhole is leagues" instead of "leagues down" or "leagues under sea"; scenes with missing dialogues or even panels.
<-------------------------------->
"MONKEY SCIENCE."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 83.

CULPRIT: Felicia D. Henderson (writer).

DISSECTION: For some reason, Beast Boy believes that by turning into an ape and using both hands and one of his feet, he'll be able to fix scientific equipment faster and more efficiently than two highly trained scientists... who allow him to do so.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WE COULD CALL THIS A COMIC BOOK..."

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer).

DISSECTION: Here are several writing dissections on a row (apart from some accented letters), which are so awful, I must detail one by one. First up, Madison Jeffries is NOT a "mechanical telekine"... that is not only a stupid description, but an incorrect one. He is, among other things, an inorganic matter transmuter.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"SCIENTISM!"

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer).

DISSECTION: Mutantism? Really, Simon? In a scientific context?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"GIGA-NANO-WHATEVER."

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer)and/or Paul Davidson (penciller).

DISSECTION: Madison Jeffries holds a mechanical insect the size of a human thumb and calls it a "nano-oscillator"... yeah, that's not really "nano", dude. Don't use "nano" just because it sounds cool.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"YOU CAN'T LOSE YOUR MUTANT POWERS!"

TITLE: X-Men: Blind Science (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simon Spurrier (writer).

DISSECTION: A future Hank McCoy, in what turns out to be a computer simulation, states that he de-mutated, and Dr. Nemesis says that's "bullshit" and "impossible". Yeah, except for THE WHOLE FUCKING M-DAY DEBACLE WHERE OVER 90% OF EARTH'S MUTANT POPULATION LOST THEIR POWERS, THE VERY REASON WHY THE X-MEN RECRUITED YOU TO BE PART OF A SCIENTIFIC TEAM DEDICATED TO REVERSING THAT!!!!!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MAPQUEST."

TITLE: X-Men Origins: Emma Frost (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Karl Moline (penciller) and Morry Hollowell (colorist)

DISSECTION: What the fuck is up with this map?


There are no British islands! There are peninsulas and other parts of continents that don't exist... and water covering most of southern Asia! Come on guys, you can copy and paste a map onto your art, nobody's going to blame you... particularly when you suck so hard at maps.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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So, this column has an average of 6.4 Bazzars in seventy-eight dissections, pretty standard... there were a few high ratings, but an equal number of really low ones. Cover Of The Week is once again from Amazing Spider-Man, and once again a Lizard cover!


Bachalo and Townsend do a great job, even if I don't much enjoy Bachalo's current sequential style, his covers are top notch. Now, the Moments Of The Week start off with Arsenal:


Wow... just... I'm not going to go into how I've never read about heroine causing hallucinations, because I almost considered this a dissection on JT Krul's part, but then I decided that I couldn't do that because I don't know how the drug is interacting with the painkillers Roy is taking, or with the cybernetic arm he's using (which he's been told is not yet fully calibrated or something like that). Oh, right, I didn't mention it... Roy believes that dead, rotting kitty he's holding is his dead daughter Lian, come back to life... talk about poor writing solely aimed to shock people... Next up, while a kitty dies...


... a half human half Daxamite baby is gestating! And what does The Thing when his stone fists aren't enough for clobberin'?


Vibranium cesti! Speaking of The Thing...


Why does it look like he's getting buttfux0red? And if you like your backside polished:


Get it done mobster style! While we're on the topic of style, who's got the best heavy metal style in the DCU?


The Big Bad Lobo! More Green Lantern fun comes at the fun of the Alpha Lanterns:


Or is that the Borg Collective? Back to Marvel for our last two Moments, what do you get when you've been a member of the two most important superhero teams in the Marvel Universe, and you go back to one of them:


Yeah, you get left out of the statue-style cover to celebrate the heroic age, just like Beast, while a C-lister like Nova gets your spot in the cover! And remember that final twist I mentioned when I was giving Thunderbolts a nice review?


Yeah. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!