Friday, January 14, 2011

The Dissector Special #09: Autopsy Awards 2010 Nominations.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

Allow me to present the 2010 Autopsy Awards nominees! As usual, the voting will be via e-mail, send your votes to lordmagnusen at gmail.com, in the following form (each nomination has a code): "W01, A03, C02..."

Some of the awards are not subject to vote, as they are given solely on a numeric basis (most Dissected company, etc), or specially awarded for extraordinary "merit" (I also accept suggestions for special awards). Of course, the text for each dissection is the original one from when they were published, but I've added some (mostly) new comments for all.

The last four categories are actually about positive things that a comic book company or creator would be proud to win... unlike the other categories. I'm talking about the "Best Quote", "Best Moment", and "Best Cover" awards, and the new comer "Best Fight Scene" award. Now, the nominees:

Let's get started with the Best Writing Dissection nominees:
<-------------------------------->
W01-"THIS SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT..." (The Dissector #147, 01/29/10)

COMMENT: With all the tools at Fraction's disposition, I was surprised he'd do something this dumb.

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 520.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: We get it, Wolverine has amazingly keen senses... but I will not accept that he can track a prey by smell from the top of a building in NEW YORK CITY, A 468.9 SQUARE MILES, 1,214.4 SQUARE KILOMETERS, 8,363,710 CITY INHABITANTS, AND 19,006,798 METRO AREA POPULATION CITY!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Not only does he track his prey (a Predator X) to a SEWER, but he knows that Fantomex (who carries no scent) is there because he smelled, and I quote, "a you-shaped hole in the smell of this dump". Fraction, Logan has a very acute sense of smell, not an echolocation device in his nostrils.
<-------------------------------->
W02-"A MAN AHEAD OF HIS TIME" (The Dissector #148, 02/05/10)

COMMENT: Sometimes modern language breaks the suspension of disbelief in period comics... in this case, it was worse than that, it was a gross science/history error too.

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer).

DISSECTION: This is a book set in Nordic lands in what, the 10th century? The 11th? The exact date really doesn't matter; but Thorir, one of the characters, urges a girl to eat meat because "growing children need protein". Protein? Really?

Wikipedia says: Proteins were first described by the Dutch chemist Gerhardus Johannes Mulder and named by the Swedish chemist Jönsla Jakob Berzelius in 1838. The central role of proteins in living organisms was however not fully appreciated until 1926, when James B. Sumner showed that the enzyme urease was a protein.

So, how is a Norseman in the know this 600 years before proteins were even described? Wood could have had Thorir just say "growing children need meat".

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W03-"I CAN'T COUNT TOO GOOD." (The Dissector #157, 04/09/10)

COMMENT: When writing Star Trek, you have to remember that characters are highly-educated professionals from the 24th (or around, depending on the series) century, who are used to dealing with alien cultures on a daily basis. Or this happens:

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Ghosts (IDW).

ISSUE: 05 of 05.

CULPRIT: Zander Cannon (writer).

DISSECTION: Now, Zander Cannon (whose name still sounds AWESOME) wrote a nice miniseries; which could have been shorter, granted, but still was TNGish enough to be an episode of the show; and Javier Aranda's art in this issue, while ugly, is technically correct enough to make me think he probably grew hands or got cybernetic replacements. Makes me think of a Star Trek roleplayer who had a character with "positronic hands"... ignoring the fact that what was positronic about Data was HIS BRAIN, and it was a feature related to artificial intelligence, NOT HANDS!!!

... but I ramble. In this last issue, Geordi is getting some numerical data from one of the aliens-of-the-week-from-the-planet-of-the-week (Allios IV), to solve a technical conundrum posed by a specific piece of technology developed in that planet. He can't make heads or tails of the numbers he's being fed, and struggles to understand them, and after a great deal of effort... realizes the aliens, who have six fingers on each hand, use a base-12 number system. Yes, Geordi, a professional engineer, who is one of the best Starfleet and the entire Star Trek universe has to offer, only realizes that about a civilization whose technology he's been studying for what seems to be days? Even if it's just hours, THE FIRST THING YOU HAVE TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT WHEN STUDYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT, SO HEAVILY DEPENDING ON NUMBERS, IS WHAT SYSTEM THEY USE!!!

Me, I'm ashamed I never realized the aliens had six fingers on each hand, and it was never mentioned before. But it'd be in the first page of whatever Wikipedia entry Geordi consulted about this planet.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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W04-"THE FAMOUS VULCAN ELBOW PINCH." (The Dissector #170, 07/10/10)

COMMENT: Knowing Star Trek is important to writing Star Trek. Which is odd in this case, since the Tipton brothers seem to be fans.

TITLE: Star Trek: Burden Of Knowledge (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writers).

DISSECTION: Spock attempts to render one of the muppet-bird aliens unconscious, but their physiology is not similar to the usual humanoid types. According to Spock "... this race lacks a discernible shoulder necessary for the nerve pinch..." SHOULDER??!?!!? It's the Vulcan NECK pinch!!! (Or nerve pinch, I know.)

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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W05-"FUCKING FIRES, HOW DO THEY WORK?." (The Dissector #183, 11/11/10)

COMMENT: It pains me to nominate one of my favorite books and writers, but same as the third dissection in this category, you need to remember people in the future (at least the future painted in these settings) will be highly educated, particularly in matters that are even obvious to people like me, who haven't finished high school.

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (DC).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Paul Levitz (writer).

DISSECTION: Cosmic Boy goes to the Legion Academy, and while he's reviewing the students, a fire breaks out nearby and they are the closest ones to respond. They go to the scene, and one student that has variable powers (Variable Lad), in this case uses them to become super smart and learn what the best way of putting out the fire is: using the powers of another student who can control chemical reactions (Chemical Kid), because fire is an oxidation. Uhm... and they needed a super intelligent being to figure that out?

Regardless of him being a student and not a battle-hardened Legionnaire, a guy whose powers are to control chemical reactions should think of that first, particularly in the 30th century, with the kind of education they have, plus any further education someone with chemical controlling powers should get on the subject. Controlling the oxidation should be a gut response from Chemical Kid, the same as Bataranging or punching a bank robber is Batman's!

Not to mention the fact that there's two veteran Legionnaires there (Cosmic Boy and Duplicate Girl), and a handful of other students, most of whom should have a pretty advanced science education when compared to today's teenagers or young adults. Anyone today with a barely decent education should know that a fire is a chemical reaction.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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I'm not sure which I'm voting for yet. Let's go on with the nominees for Best Art Dissection:
<-------------------------------->
A01-"THE ROD OF BORIS." (The Dissector #156, 04/02/10)

COMMENT: This is one of my pet peeves; and I finally decided to attribute it to the artist.

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo)

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer) and/or Leandro Fernandez (penciller).

DISSECTION: Good God... Boris, the apparently Slavic holy man among Norsemen, is also a healer... and his surgical instrument and medicine bag has a caduceus. The caduceus is NOT the symbol of medicine, despite its mistaken use, mainly in the USA, as that. It's a symbol originally for Iris, messenger of Hera, and afterwards of Hermes/Mercury; and through them, a symbol of messengers, gamblers, merchants, shepherds, liars and thieves.

The symbol of medicine is the rod of Asclepius; or the asklepian. Asclepius was the Greek god of healing and medicine, and his symbol is a staff with a snake entwined around it. The caduceus is also a staff, but quite differently shaped than the asklepian. The latter is a rustic wooden staff, while the former is usually a smooth and elegant-looking herald's staff. Furthermore, there are two snakes entwined around the caduceus, and the staff is winged, while the rod of Asclepius is not. Read more about the asklepian, and about the caduceus and the mix ups between the two.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A02-"FACE IS NOT IN MURDOCK'S BOOK.." (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

COMMENT: Simplification is one thing; plain old laziness is another.

TITLE: A-Team: War Stories: Murdock (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Guiu Vilanova (penciller).

DISSECTION: Artists, and particularly IDW artists, are known to not draw faces on background characters. While it's a practice I don't consider correct, it's understandable. Some IDW artists, however, most specifically, the ones in most of their Star Trek books, have done it to characters that, while not important to the scene, are not in the background. This time, however, Vilanova has taken it too far:


Come on! This is outrageous! Those are the ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL!!! ONE OF THEM IS THE STAR OF THE BOOK, AND THE OTHER ONE IS TALKING!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY MOTHERFUCKER!??!!?!?!?!?!?!? Not happy with that, he does it twice more, once again to Murdock, star of the book, WHILE HE'S TALKING AND IS ONE OF THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL, AND THEN AGAIN... but in that panel Murdock is not talking, at least.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A03-"RIDDLE ME THIS, RIDDLE ME THAT... WHO'S WEARING THE MANTLE OF THE BAT?" (The Dissector #166, 06/12/10)

COMMENT: Geez, pay some attention to what you're working on.

TITLE: Joker's Asylum II: The Riddler (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Andres Guinaldo (penciller).

DISSECTION: If you're going to tell a flashback story, to when the Riddler wasn't a detective, don't dress Batman with Dick Grayson's current costume... since it's Bruce.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A04-"WHO ARE THOSE GUYS? WHAT IS THIS, MOSAIC?" (The Dissector #183, 11/11/10)

COMMENT: It hurts when you see that some people (I'm talking about Kirkham here) don't care about what they're working on, when you'd love to be working on comics yourself.

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 53.

CULPRIT: Tyler Kirkham (penciller) and Nei Rufino (colorist)

DISSECTION: What? Bystanders on Korugar are colored like humans, some lighter, others darker, and it's not a trick of the light or anything, because in the same light as Kyle Rayner, many share his skin color. But that's not the worst thing... they're dressed, unequivocally, in Earth clothes: jackets, baseball caps, hoodies. People from Korugar have pink or red skin, and they certainly shouldn't be wearing normal Earth garments.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars, double. Also, Sinestro's ring is colored like his skin in a panel (that's where all the pink ink went!).
<-------------------------------->
Some of those aren't that bad; to be honest. Now the nominees for Best Coloring Dissection:
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C01-"COX SUCKER." (The Dissector #152, 03/05/10)

COMMENT: Jeromy Cox, one of this column's mainstays...

TITLE: X-Factor V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 202.

CULPRIT: Jeromy Cox (colorist).

DISSECTION: Attention, rant coming...

Jeromy Cox: Monet St. Croix has brown eyes, not blue or green; Namor's should be grey, not whatever weird color you gave him; Layla Miller's eyes are green, not blue; Reed Richards has brown eyes, not blue ones; and Ben Grimm, usually called "Ever Lovin' Blue Eyed Thing"... yes, you guessed it, has BLUE EYES, NOT BROWN ONES!!!! ALSO, YOU MIGHT WANT TO AVOID COLORING LAYLA LIKE SHE'S MONET, SKIN, HAIR AND COSTUME!!!

Your job is to color these books, and I know it can be a hard, detailed job. But can you at least work with character references in front of you, FOR RAINBOW RAIDER'S SAKE?!?!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: I'm fucking giving 9 Bazzars to each of these, just because of Jeromy's complete inability to color ONE CHARACTER RIGHT.
<-------------------------------->
C02-"AVENGING CHANGING COLORS." (The Dissector #156, 04/02/10)

COMMENT: Is McCaig living with Jeromy?

TITLE: New Avengers (Marvel).

ISSUE: 63.

CULPRIT: Dave McCaig (colorist).

DISSECTION: I'm reading the book, right? And I notice that Jessica Jones' eyes are the wrong color. They're green, when they should be blue. The next page, they're blue. And the next, back to green... and then brown. WTF?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, for the sheer sloppiness. Clint Barton's eyes are green first, then his correct blue color, then green again; Lady Octopus' eyes are green instead of brown, and Danielle Cage is drawn as a 4-6 months baby instead of a year old infant or so. Then I go to see who the colorist was... and the credit read "colorisst"...
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C03-"THE GRAY HOOD." (The Dissector #181, 10/14/10)

COMMENT: This was just baffling.

TITLE: Red Hood: The Lost Days (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Jason Todd is trying to find a girl in a car that's, unwittingly, carrying a bomb. Over the phone, he asks her what kind of car she's in, and she says the car is red. But the colorist made the car gray or black...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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C04-"WHO ARE THOSE GUYS? WHAT IS THIS, MOSAIC?" (The Dissector #183, 11/11/10)

COMMENT: While Nei's great, this deserved to be nominated for the coloring mistakes too.

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 53.

CULPRIT: Tyler Kirkham (penciller) and Nei Rufino (colorist)

DISSECTION: What? Bystanders on Korugar are colored like humans, some lighter, others darker, and it's not a trick of the light or anything, because in the same light as Kyle Rayner, many share his skin color. But that's not the worst thing... they're dressed, unequivocally, in Earth clothes: jackets, baseball caps, hoodies. People from Korugar have pink or red skin, and they certainly shouldn't be wearing normal Earth garments.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars, double. Also, Sinestro's ring is colored like his skin in a panel (that's where all the pink ink went!).
<-------------------------------->
C05-"WHITE STAR." (The Dissector #189, 12/12/10)

COMMENT: It's disheartening. I don't ask colorists, some of which I've met personally and know they don't care about comics at all (while others are fans too, mind you), to know by heart the detailed histories of each character they color... but is it so hard to check what ethnicity a character is supposed to be?

TITLE: Adventure Comics V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 521.

CULPRIT: Hi-Fi (colorist).

DISSECTION: Dawnstar is descended from Native Americans... she is not fair-skinned like Caucasians, and she does not have blue eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Twice. Get a fucking grip on the characters you are working on.
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I'm between two of those... Let's go with the nominees for Best Lettering Dissection:
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L01-"TRANSBAT." (The Dissector #148, 02/05/09)

COMMENT: Editors ended up taking the blame for this, but it's still a lettering error.

TITLE: Batman And Robin (DC).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Janelle Siegel (assistant editor) & Mike Marts (editor).

DISSECTION: Batwoman and Batman's speech balloons are switched on one page. Letterer Pat Brosseau says in his Facebook page that he was sure it was okay when he handed it in, so I'm going to take his word for it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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L02-"PUSHER FOR HIRE.!" (The Dissector #163, 05/23/10)

COMMENT: Talk about turning around a story...

TITLE: New Avengers: Luke Cage (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 03.

CULPRIT: Joe Sabino (letterer).

DISSECTION: Wow, Joe really did screw up on this one:


Cage talks like he's got people selling drugs? The villain who just attacked him says "it takes more than cats to hurt me"?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars each.
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L03-"HÉRR." (The Dissector #185, 11/19/10)

COMMENT: Two of my pet peeves (well, the same one twice, basically), mixed together.

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 647.

CULPRIT: Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Joe's one of my favorite letterers, and that makes this dissection worse... he letter's what's supposed to be the word "Señor" as "Senõr". Not only that, he makes the "o" smaller because of the tilde. *sigh*

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzar's for fucking up the word, 7 for the smaller letter.
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L04-"BLURRED DIALOGUES." (The Dissector #187, 11/23/10)

COMMENT: Nothing scandalous, but pretty obvious, and something that shouldn't (but did, and I can't be surprised) have escaped proofreading.

TITLE: The Flash V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Sal Cipriano (letterer).

DISSECTION: This one bears showing:


Seems like Sal pastes the text from the script to work on the balloons and actual lettering... but in this case, he forgot to delete or hide that layer when turning in the completed pages. Once upon a time, I would have been amazed at something like this slipping by an editor, but I've been doing this column for five years now...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. The first letter of a word is missing in another dialogue; and I'm going to blame that on Sal too this time, and Iris' eyes are colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
Some interesting options. Let's check out the nominees for Best Other Dissection:
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O01-"WAR IS MESSY." (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

COMMENT: A real mess.

TITLE: Battlefields (Dynamite).

ISSUE: Honestly, I give up.

CULPRIT: Joseph Rybandt (editor).

DISSECTION: You know I enjoy these books... except for "Dear Billy", all the Battlefield minis have been excellent... well, "Dear Billy" is not bad, but just not to my taste. My favorite was "The Tankies", a three issue miniseries last year. Now the Tankies are back! Is it Battlefields: The Tankies II? Or is it Battlefields: The Firefly And His Majesty, or Battlefields: The Firefly, as it was announced?

No, it's Battlefields #4. What? There was never a book called "Battlefields", it was just Battlefields: The Night Witches, Battlefields: Dear Billy, and Battlefields: The Tankies, Yes, originally it was going to be Battlefields 1 to 9, with each of those three stories taking up three issues; but then, Battlefield: Happy Valley was released... and now a second Tankies story gets #4?

If it's a continuation of the original series of three minis, it'd be #10... if it's a continuation of the whole thing, including Happy Valley, it'd be #13. And if it's a continuation to the Tankies, it'd be #4... So, any way they want to say Dynamite is trying to publish this, it still doesn't make sense. There's also a blurb at the end of issue #5 that says announces the next issue as the conclusion of "the second Battlefields arc". So they're trying to consider this part of Battlefields: The Tankies... why don't you name it Battlefields: The Tankies and that way you can number it from #4?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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O02-"JUST SHOOT ME." (The Dissector #171, 07-26-10)

COMMENT: My bad, my bad. I really goofed up here.

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 170.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (editor).

DISSECTION: I was working on the column, and I noticed I didn't have a DT!, so I went and plucked one out of The Rundown... and left it there too. No one seems to have noticed, though, until Sidney did, some time later. Another badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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O03-"NUMBER π IN A SERIES." (The Dissector #177, 09/21/10)

COMMENT: Puzzling.

TITLE: B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth - New World (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 01 and 02 of 05.

CULPRIT: Scott Allie (editor) and/or Samantha Robertson (assistant editor).

DISSECTION: Editor Scott Allie tells us readers in the letter column of the first issue that "the B.P.R.D. series that started in 2002 with Hollow Earth has ended with King Of Fear, and now we're into a new series- B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth, of which New World is the first arc. (...) But the name of the book is now B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth, with subtitles."

Now, this is all fine and dandy, because as you might have noticed if you read B.P.R.D., all of the miniseries feature in the credits a note that says "number ## in a series"; to show that it's all the same series, even if it's not published as a regular ongoing title. And now, it's a new series, "B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth"... but why are issues #1 and #2 marked as "number 69" and "number 70" ("in a series").

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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O04-"FIRST ISSUE EVER... AGAIN!" (The Dissector #187, 11/23/10)

COMMENT: There's hype, and then there's lying and being ridiculous.

TITLE: Spider-Girl V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Stephen Wacker (senior editor), Nate Cosby (editor), Tom Brennan (associate editor), and Mike Horwitz (assistant editor).

DISSECTION: Cover for this first issue says it's the "most synapse-shattering super hero debut of the decade". Really? Can someone explain to me how that's possible? Araña has been around since 2004; and she changed costume and name months ago, jumping around other books with it since then... This is not a debut in any way... at least not a "super hero debut". It might be a "solo series debut" (which would be partially correct), but not what they say...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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O05-"CHAOS ATE MY CREDITS." (The Dissector #189, 12/12/10)

COMMENT: Yeah, who cares who wrote and drew this?

TITLE: Chaos War: Alpha Flight (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Unknown editor.

DISSECTION: Yeah.... THERE ARE NO DETAILED CREDITS IN THE WHOLE ISSUE!!! Just last names of writer, penciller, inker, and colorist on the cover...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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I am not voting for myself, that much I can tell you. Now the nominees for the first of the "positive" categories, Best Quote:
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Q01-"This is a Christian land, and we a Christian people, but that's not stopped the old gods from reminding us they exist." Hilda, about winter, Northlanders #24. (The Dissector #148, 02/05/10)
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Q02-"I leave a lot behind, but never the whisky." John Constantine, Hellblazer #264. (The Dissector #151, 03/03/10)
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Q03-"This station will be ground up with your bones into the finest powder which we will snort in our victory orgy." Drenx commander, S.W.O.R.D. #5. (The Dissector #154, 03/19/10)
<-------------------------------->
Q04-"(...) there are promises one makes to oneself, having lived through a holocaust. I'm afraid these promises preclude me from watching the extermination of my people in a reclining position. See to your patients, Dr. McCoy. I will see to our enemies." Max Eisenhardt, aka Magneto, New Mutants V3 #14. (The Dissector #168, 06/25/10)
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Q05-"Why does every BBQ I have end with a dead hippie being molested?" Franky, Billy The Kid's Old Timey Oddities And The Ghastly Fiend Of London #2 (The Goon backup story). (The Dissector #184, 11/17/10)
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Can't tell you which one I'm voting for, but I've made my choice. Now for the next positive category, the nominees for Best Moment:
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M01-From Doomwar #1: You. Do. Not. Fuck. With. The. Wakandan. Royal. Family. (The Dissector #151, 03/03/10)

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M02-From Superman #697: The Legion's New Espionage Squad, in the 21st century. (The Dissector #152, 03/05/10)

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M03-From Siege #4: It's over, Norman. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

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M04-S.H.I.E.L.D. #1: Galileo Vs. Galactus! (The Dissector #158, 04/16/10)

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M05-From X-Force V3 #26: The death of one of my favorite characters, and something I did not see coming. (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

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M06-From Ex Machina #50: The return of the Great Machine! (The Dissector #164, 05/28/10)

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M07-From Strange Tales II #1: Kate Beaton is too funny. (The Dissector #182, 10/31/10)

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The nominees for Best Cover:
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T01-Gravel #16. I like working class magicians, and this cover says "London". By Mike Wolfer. (The Dissector #147, 01/29/10)

<-------------------------------->
T02-From The Amazing Spider-Man V1 #625. The Gauntlet could get a bit repetitive, but the Rhino storyline was definitely compelling. Cover by Marko Djurdjevic. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

<-------------------------------->
T03-The Flash V3 #3, nice cover by Greg Horn (and it ain't traced porn!). (The Dissector #170, 07/10/10)

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T04-This is from The Murder Of King Tut #1, by Darwyn Cooke. (The Dissector #171, 07/26/10)

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Lastly, the nominees for the newest positive category, Best Fight Scene (yes, I know, very MTV of me):
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F01-From Mighty Avengers (blanking on the issue), Quicksilver takes down Gary Stu, err, Mr. X (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

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F02-In Hercules: Twilight of A God #2, Herc takes down a future Silver Surfer... with extreme prejudice. (The Dissector #171, 07/26/10)


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F03-Don't mess with John Walker (the former U.S.Agent), even when he's missing limbs! From Thunderbolts #147 (The Dissector #175, 09/07/10)

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F04-From Rawhide Kid #4, it's not a physical battle, but a gay fashion showdown in the old west: (The Dissector #178, 09/29/10)

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F05-From Warriors Three #2, Volstagg The Voluminous (my favorite Thor character) fights trolls (The Dissector #189, 12/13/10)

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OK, get voting, you have until the end of the month (perhaps a few more days), to do so. Catch you soon with the next regular column. Remember, nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Dissector #193.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"(...) a trip to the zoo? I like to watch the monkeys. Wild screaming, throwing poop... and sometimes the monkeys join in!" Rag Doll, Action Comics #896.

First column of 2011, but last column about 2010 books (barring a straggler or two that I might receive down the line), I hope everybody had a good new year celebration; this column was almost ready last week, but I had some work come up and couldn't finish it. We'll have the Autopsy Awards nominees very soon, so be ready to vote. Last column's DT! was solved by Donald313, who correctly noted that even with comic book science, ice plus fire don't make instantaneous rust.

There wasn't much worth looking at this week, cover-wise, but I had to choose one, so this piece by Jock for Detective Comics #872. Best Book Of The Week was The Flash V3 #8. It didn't blow my head off, but as usual, Geoff Johns tells a solid story, with a compelling origin for the Reverse Flash. While I'd prefer original book artist Francis Manapul in charge of the visuals, Scott Kolins does a good job. Worst Book Of The Week was Justice Society Of America V3 #46... it just reads very disjointed, and the just doesn't cut it for me either.

The Rundown: Action Comics (Catman's eyes are colored wrong), Angel (Angel does not have blue eyes), Astonishing Spider-Man/Wolverine (Adamantium or not, Wolverine cannot cut through a bank vault in one swipe), Batman: The Dark Knight (Croc should be in Arkham, or escaped, not able to say "you got nothing on me", Alfred's eyes should be blue, and the Penguin doesn't look like he does here), Blackest Night (Director's Cut) ("Alexandor" Luthor), Captain America V2 (Nomad's eyes are wrong, then right, and the Black Widow's are wrong), Chaos War: X-Men (Madrox never referred to his power as "cloning power", and Banshee's eyes should be blue), Detective Comics (wrong bat emblem, accented letter), Green Lantern V4 (wrong badge on Hal), Justice League Of America/The 99 (Firestorm's powers have nothing to do with "energy waves" and "isolating and tracking frequencies"), Justice Society Of America V3 (someone ask who Doctor Chaos is after receiving a note... which was anonymous... accented letter too), New Mutants V3 (Karma's eyes shouldn't be blue), Osborn (Norman's eyes shouldn't be brown; and I'll ignore the changes to green...).
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"NOBODY TOLD ME SHIT!"

TITLE: The Avengers V4 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer).

DISSECTION: There is absolutely no way that Reed Richards wouldn't know that Black Bolt is dead. Nova has been on Earth, Hank Pym and his previous Mighty Avengers team have been on Attilan, Reed and other characters have ways of knowing this stuff...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"MOVING."

TITLE: The Avengers V4 (Marvel)

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer).

DISSECTION: why the fuck do the Illuminati go to the Himalayas as "the previous site of Attilan"??!?!?! And why didn't Black Bolt transfer his Infinity Gem to the Moon when they moved there... YEARS AGO?!?!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"JOES CAN'T READ TOO WELL."

TITLE: G.I. Joe (IDW).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Chuck Dixon (writer).

DISSECTION: Dear comic book writers, "physiognomy" does not mean the same as "physiology" or "anatomy". In case you're too lazy to click on links or crack open a fucking dictionary, here are the definitions of "physiognomy":

1. the face or countenance, esp. when considered as an index to the character: a fierce physiognomy.
2. Also called anthroposcopy. the art of determining character or personal characteristics from the form or features of the body, esp. of the face.
3. the outward appearance of anything, taken as offering some insight into its character: the physiognomy of a nation.


It is not, I repeat, NOT, a word that you can use to refer to mutant physiology/anatomy (like I dissected before on an X-Men book), nor a word you can use to refer to the digitized information of a person's body for teleportation... WORDS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!! THEY LIVE INSIDE DICTIONARIES!!! AND NOW, THEY'RE EVEN INSIDE THE INTERNET!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, "rojo bandidos" is not a correct expression in Spanish. Even using the Google translator would have given you the correct way to write it, Dixon.
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"HEROIC AGE: HANDBOOK FUCK UPS ARE STILL IN SEASON!"

TITLE: Heroic Age: Heroes (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator).

DISSECTION: I don't even know how to start, or rather how to quantify the dissections in this book. This is a profiles handbook, and, for some reason, perhaps due to being written in-universe by Steve Rogers, the usual Marvel Handbook power meters are not used. Instead, a power grid consisting of the following attributes is used: power, conscience, altruism, wisdom, courage, determination, free will, and vulnerability (in a scale from 1 to 10).

Apparently, Hoskin and his writers have no idea what many of these words mean... apart from some other minor dissections, look at how some characters are measured according to those attributes:

  • Beast has an altruism of 9, while Angel, Reed Richards, Mockingbird, NAMORA, COLLECTIVE MAN, RADIOACTIVE MAN, Thor, Longshot, and JIMMY WOO have 10??!?!?!?!?!?
  • Wolverine has a 5 altruism? Toro (the new bull-mutated kid, not the WWII Kid Torch) has a 7?
  • Paladin (a mercenary) has an altruism of 7, same as Northstar, and more than Moon Knight? And Elixir, a healer gets 5?
  • A-Bomb has a power of 8, while Angel has a 7, and American Eagle an 8. In what world are those characters of comparable power?

Vulnerability seems to be a mixture of physical and mental/emotional vulnerability, and even if you mix up the words "vulnerability" "invulnerability", switching the ends of the spectrum, it's still very fucked up:

  • A-Bomb and American Eagle have the same rating, 8; and Angel a 6... making Angel less vulnerable than those two? Or only two points more vulnerable?
  • Asgardians as a race have a vulnerability of 6. The same as Angel and Luke Cage.
  • Captain Britain has a vulnerability of 2... if it's a physical attribute, he's not that resistant, if it's a mental/emotional attribute, his insecurities are not reflected.
  • Despite his looks, the Thing is one of the most mentally stable characters in the whole Marvel universe, not to mention one of the most powerful, physically speaking. Then why does he get a vulnerability rating of 6?
  • Darwin, one of the most unbalancedly powerful characters in the X-teams, has a vulnerability of 5, when he's basically indestructible?

This is delicate... Normally, a detail like this wouldn't score too high; but because this is a handbook, the attributes in the power grid are a basic part of the book. Furthermore, it's done by Steve Rogers, who's one of the better judges of character and tactical minds in the Marvel universe, so these fucked up ratings make him look like an idiot. So, what I'm going to do, is register two 10 Bazzars dissections for how horrible used the "altruism" and "vulnerability" attributes are used; and a 8 Bazzars dissection for the A-Bomb/American Eagle/Angel power levels (most other power levels in the book are basically accurate). Then I will "award" several, lower-rated dissections for the internal inconsistencies of the ratings, and the other, non-power grid dissections.

DISSECT-O-METER: Variable.
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"HEROIC AGE: BEST OF THE REST."

TITLE: Heroic Age: Heroes (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator).

DISSECTION: Just so you know what they were, here's a detailed look at the non-power grid dissections in this book:

  • Bengal can't have his origin tied to the Vietnam war anymore, it's not the 80s.
  • "1941on" instead of "1941 on", Black Widow's profile.
  • Random "TO", like that, in capital letters, in Cyclops profile between paragraphs.
  • "Presidential Medal of Freedom" is all in lower case.
  • "Helmet" Zemo.
  • It's "The Intelligencia", not "The Intel".

DISSECT-O-METER: Variable.
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"OH. MY. GAWD! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!"

TITLE: Heroic Age: Heroes (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator).

DISSECTION: This one was going to be part of the previous list, but it's too outrageous not to stand on its own. Steve Rogers, a 1941 super soldier who was frozen and lives today, fighting along high-tech armored technologists, sorcerers, gods, and super-powerful mutants and metahumans of all kinds, not to mention aliens, robots and random immortals, thinks that it "sounds impossible" that the current Dog Brother #1 was an orphan boy in 1841 Hong Kong. Yeah. Right.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. You don't even have to be an actual writer and understand the Steve Rogers character to realize that saying something like that within the context of the Marvel universe is just plain ridiculous.
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"UNDECIDED."

TITLE: Heroic Age: Villains (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator).

DISSECTION: This book didn't have power or other ratings such as the Heroes one, so it wasn't that badly flawed. Still, there were some errors (there's a list in the next dissection), the worst one being Steve Rogers writing about Baron Zemo (Helmut, not Helmet :) that he's not sure if he's a hero or a villain. I don't care if this Zemo has done some good, how can Steve write "I can't tell whose side he is on other than he's own. (...) the humanitarian within himself (...) I've thought long and hard about which area he should be filed, be it heroic or villainous (...)"... Really? You need to ask, Steve?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"VILLAINS: LISTED."

TITLE: Heroic Age: Villains (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator).

DISSECTION: A list of small writing and editing mistakes:

  • The word "headache" should not start with a capital "H".
  • Cutthroat's relationship to his sister, and how much Steve respects the latter takes up most of the villain's entry, but they never mention his real name, or who his sister is (Diamondback). In fact, since these are not actual profiles but more like Steve's notes on each character or organization, unless he mentions it in the text, you don't have each character's real name. It's not something that's needed for most entries, but in this case, the text should have included who his sister is.
  • The Kingpin entry includes comments about Matt Murdock using his abilities as a lawyer to make sure he goes to jail... but the Hand entry in the same book talks about Matt being out of control as leader of the ninja cult. Lack of internal consistency...
  • Norman Osborn was not made head of S.H.I.E.L.D., that agency was disbanded and a new agency, US-only, H.A.M.M.E.R., was created.
  • Daimon "Hellstrrm".

DISSECT-O-METER: Various.
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"GASP FROM THE PAST."

TITLE: JLA V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 57.

CULPRIT: Mark Waid (writer).

DISSECTION: This one's too easy:


DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"UNDERWATER PAST II."

TITLE: Namor: The First Mutant (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Stuart Moore (writer).

DISSECTION: So, the X-Men's Loa is the grand-niece of a woman Namor dated in the 40s. It's 2010, and Loa's father seems to be, at most, in his mid-40s (and I'm being generous), while she's 15-16. Loa's father is present when Namor last visits his girl in 1947, a newborn baby... which would make him 60. Yeah... um... no. While it could be possible, the guy, a normal human, looks like he's a 20-something.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Namor should have grey eyes, not blue, and he wasn't wearing that costume a couple of years ago when Loa's powers manifested.
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"THE TIMELINE IS BROKEN."

TITLE:
S.H.I.E.L.D. (Marvel).

ISSUE:
05.

CULPRIT:
Jonathan Hickman (writer).

DISSECTION:
Nathaniel Richards (father of Reed Richards) abandons his family and Howard Stark (Tony Stark's father) fakes his death, both to better pursue their mission as members of the Brotherhood of the Shield... in 1951. So, assuming Reed and Tony are 12 and 10... they're in their sixties now? (And I'm being generous, since Tony was a teenager when he was left legally orphaned, and Reed's father disappeared only three years before the FF got their powers.)

DISSECT-O-METER:
10 Bazzars.
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2010 ends with an average of 6.4 Bazzars in 58 dissections (or at least, the last week of comics ends like that). Let's go with the Moments Of The Week, shall we? First up, Norman Osborn is almost free again, and he has a new posse:


Be scared... very scared. Next, what's up with Colossus costume?


Ass cleavage, really? And watch out:


Spidey has been replaced by a Xenomorph!!! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!