The Dissector Special #09: Autopsy Awards 2010 Nominations.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

Allow me to present the 2010 Autopsy Awards nominees! As usual, the voting will be via e-mail, send your votes to lordmagnusen at gmail.com, in the following form (each nomination has a code): "W01, A03, C02..."

Some of the awards are not subject to vote, as they are given solely on a numeric basis (most Dissected company, etc), or specially awarded for extraordinary "merit" (I also accept suggestions for special awards). Of course, the text for each dissection is the original one from when they were published, but I've added some (mostly) new comments for all.

The last four categories are actually about positive things that a comic book company or creator would be proud to win... unlike the other categories. I'm talking about the "Best Quote", "Best Moment", and "Best Cover" awards, and the new comer "Best Fight Scene" award. Now, the nominees:

Let's get started with the Best Writing Dissection nominees:
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W01-"THIS SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT..." (The Dissector #147, 01/29/10)

COMMENT: With all the tools at Fraction's disposition, I was surprised he'd do something this dumb.

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 520.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: We get it, Wolverine has amazingly keen senses... but I will not accept that he can track a prey by smell from the top of a building in NEW YORK CITY, A 468.9 SQUARE MILES, 1,214.4 SQUARE KILOMETERS, 8,363,710 CITY INHABITANTS, AND 19,006,798 METRO AREA POPULATION CITY!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Not only does he track his prey (a Predator X) to a SEWER, but he knows that Fantomex (who carries no scent) is there because he smelled, and I quote, "a you-shaped hole in the smell of this dump". Fraction, Logan has a very acute sense of smell, not an echolocation device in his nostrils.
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W02-"A MAN AHEAD OF HIS TIME" (The Dissector #148, 02/05/10)

COMMENT: Sometimes modern language breaks the suspension of disbelief in period comics... in this case, it was worse than that, it was a gross science/history error too.

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer).

DISSECTION: This is a book set in Nordic lands in what, the 10th century? The 11th? The exact date really doesn't matter; but Thorir, one of the characters, urges a girl to eat meat because "growing children need protein". Protein? Really?

Wikipedia says: Proteins were first described by the Dutch chemist Gerhardus Johannes Mulder and named by the Swedish chemist Jönsla Jakob Berzelius in 1838. The central role of proteins in living organisms was however not fully appreciated until 1926, when James B. Sumner showed that the enzyme urease was a protein.

So, how is a Norseman in the know this 600 years before proteins were even described? Wood could have had Thorir just say "growing children need meat".

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W03-"I CAN'T COUNT TOO GOOD." (The Dissector #157, 04/09/10)

COMMENT: When writing Star Trek, you have to remember that characters are highly-educated professionals from the 24th (or around, depending on the series) century, who are used to dealing with alien cultures on a daily basis. Or this happens:

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Ghosts (IDW).

ISSUE: 05 of 05.

CULPRIT: Zander Cannon (writer).

DISSECTION: Now, Zander Cannon (whose name still sounds AWESOME) wrote a nice miniseries; which could have been shorter, granted, but still was TNGish enough to be an episode of the show; and Javier Aranda's art in this issue, while ugly, is technically correct enough to make me think he probably grew hands or got cybernetic replacements. Makes me think of a Star Trek roleplayer who had a character with "positronic hands"... ignoring the fact that what was positronic about Data was HIS BRAIN, and it was a feature related to artificial intelligence, NOT HANDS!!!

... but I ramble. In this last issue, Geordi is getting some numerical data from one of the aliens-of-the-week-from-the-planet-of-the-week (Allios IV), to solve a technical conundrum posed by a specific piece of technology developed in that planet. He can't make heads or tails of the numbers he's being fed, and struggles to understand them, and after a great deal of effort... realizes the aliens, who have six fingers on each hand, use a base-12 number system. Yes, Geordi, a professional engineer, who is one of the best Starfleet and the entire Star Trek universe has to offer, only realizes that about a civilization whose technology he's been studying for what seems to be days? Even if it's just hours, THE FIRST THING YOU HAVE TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT WHEN STUDYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT, SO HEAVILY DEPENDING ON NUMBERS, IS WHAT SYSTEM THEY USE!!!

Me, I'm ashamed I never realized the aliens had six fingers on each hand, and it was never mentioned before. But it'd be in the first page of whatever Wikipedia entry Geordi consulted about this planet.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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W04-"THE FAMOUS VULCAN ELBOW PINCH." (The Dissector #170, 07/10/10)

COMMENT: Knowing Star Trek is important to writing Star Trek. Which is odd in this case, since the Tipton brothers seem to be fans.

TITLE: Star Trek: Burden Of Knowledge (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writers).

DISSECTION: Spock attempts to render one of the muppet-bird aliens unconscious, but their physiology is not similar to the usual humanoid types. According to Spock "... this race lacks a discernible shoulder necessary for the nerve pinch..." SHOULDER??!?!!? It's the Vulcan NECK pinch!!! (Or nerve pinch, I know.)

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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W05-"FUCKING FIRES, HOW DO THEY WORK?." (The Dissector #183, 11/11/10)

COMMENT: It pains me to nominate one of my favorite books and writers, but same as the third dissection in this category, you need to remember people in the future (at least the future painted in these settings) will be highly educated, particularly in matters that are even obvious to people like me, who haven't finished high school.

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (DC).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Paul Levitz (writer).

DISSECTION: Cosmic Boy goes to the Legion Academy, and while he's reviewing the students, a fire breaks out nearby and they are the closest ones to respond. They go to the scene, and one student that has variable powers (Variable Lad), in this case uses them to become super smart and learn what the best way of putting out the fire is: using the powers of another student who can control chemical reactions (Chemical Kid), because fire is an oxidation. Uhm... and they needed a super intelligent being to figure that out?

Regardless of him being a student and not a battle-hardened Legionnaire, a guy whose powers are to control chemical reactions should think of that first, particularly in the 30th century, with the kind of education they have, plus any further education someone with chemical controlling powers should get on the subject. Controlling the oxidation should be a gut response from Chemical Kid, the same as Bataranging or punching a bank robber is Batman's!

Not to mention the fact that there's two veteran Legionnaires there (Cosmic Boy and Duplicate Girl), and a handful of other students, most of whom should have a pretty advanced science education when compared to today's teenagers or young adults. Anyone today with a barely decent education should know that a fire is a chemical reaction.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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I'm not sure which I'm voting for yet. Let's go on with the nominees for Best Art Dissection:
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A01-"THE ROD OF BORIS." (The Dissector #156, 04/02/10)

COMMENT: This is one of my pet peeves; and I finally decided to attribute it to the artist.

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo)

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer) and/or Leandro Fernandez (penciller).

DISSECTION: Good God... Boris, the apparently Slavic holy man among Norsemen, is also a healer... and his surgical instrument and medicine bag has a caduceus. The caduceus is NOT the symbol of medicine, despite its mistaken use, mainly in the USA, as that. It's a symbol originally for Iris, messenger of Hera, and afterwards of Hermes/Mercury; and through them, a symbol of messengers, gamblers, merchants, shepherds, liars and thieves.

The symbol of medicine is the rod of Asclepius; or the asklepian. Asclepius was the Greek god of healing and medicine, and his symbol is a staff with a snake entwined around it. The caduceus is also a staff, but quite differently shaped than the asklepian. The latter is a rustic wooden staff, while the former is usually a smooth and elegant-looking herald's staff. Furthermore, there are two snakes entwined around the caduceus, and the staff is winged, while the rod of Asclepius is not. Read more about the asklepian, and about the caduceus and the mix ups between the two.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A02-"FACE IS NOT IN MURDOCK'S BOOK.." (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

COMMENT: Simplification is one thing; plain old laziness is another.

TITLE: A-Team: War Stories: Murdock (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Guiu Vilanova (penciller).

DISSECTION: Artists, and particularly IDW artists, are known to not draw faces on background characters. While it's a practice I don't consider correct, it's understandable. Some IDW artists, however, most specifically, the ones in most of their Star Trek books, have done it to characters that, while not important to the scene, are not in the background. This time, however, Vilanova has taken it too far:


Come on! This is outrageous! Those are the ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL!!! ONE OF THEM IS THE STAR OF THE BOOK, AND THE OTHER ONE IS TALKING!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY MOTHERFUCKER!??!!?!?!?!?!?!? Not happy with that, he does it twice more, once again to Murdock, star of the book, WHILE HE'S TALKING AND IS ONE OF THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL, AND THEN AGAIN... but in that panel Murdock is not talking, at least.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A03-"RIDDLE ME THIS, RIDDLE ME THAT... WHO'S WEARING THE MANTLE OF THE BAT?" (The Dissector #166, 06/12/10)

COMMENT: Geez, pay some attention to what you're working on.

TITLE: Joker's Asylum II: The Riddler (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Andres Guinaldo (penciller).

DISSECTION: If you're going to tell a flashback story, to when the Riddler wasn't a detective, don't dress Batman with Dick Grayson's current costume... since it's Bruce.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A04-"WHO ARE THOSE GUYS? WHAT IS THIS, MOSAIC?" (The Dissector #183, 11/11/10)

COMMENT: It hurts when you see that some people (I'm talking about Kirkham here) don't care about what they're working on, when you'd love to be working on comics yourself.

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 53.

CULPRIT: Tyler Kirkham (penciller) and Nei Rufino (colorist)

DISSECTION: What? Bystanders on Korugar are colored like humans, some lighter, others darker, and it's not a trick of the light or anything, because in the same light as Kyle Rayner, many share his skin color. But that's not the worst thing... they're dressed, unequivocally, in Earth clothes: jackets, baseball caps, hoodies. People from Korugar have pink or red skin, and they certainly shouldn't be wearing normal Earth garments.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars, double. Also, Sinestro's ring is colored like his skin in a panel (that's where all the pink ink went!).
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Some of those aren't that bad; to be honest. Now the nominees for Best Coloring Dissection:
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C01-"COX SUCKER." (The Dissector #152, 03/05/10)

COMMENT: Jeromy Cox, one of this column's mainstays...

TITLE: X-Factor V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 202.

CULPRIT: Jeromy Cox (colorist).

DISSECTION: Attention, rant coming...

Jeromy Cox: Monet St. Croix has brown eyes, not blue or green; Namor's should be grey, not whatever weird color you gave him; Layla Miller's eyes are green, not blue; Reed Richards has brown eyes, not blue ones; and Ben Grimm, usually called "Ever Lovin' Blue Eyed Thing"... yes, you guessed it, has BLUE EYES, NOT BROWN ONES!!!! ALSO, YOU MIGHT WANT TO AVOID COLORING LAYLA LIKE SHE'S MONET, SKIN, HAIR AND COSTUME!!!

Your job is to color these books, and I know it can be a hard, detailed job. But can you at least work with character references in front of you, FOR RAINBOW RAIDER'S SAKE?!?!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: I'm fucking giving 9 Bazzars to each of these, just because of Jeromy's complete inability to color ONE CHARACTER RIGHT.
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C02-"AVENGING CHANGING COLORS." (The Dissector #156, 04/02/10)

COMMENT: Is McCaig living with Jeromy?

TITLE: New Avengers (Marvel).

ISSUE: 63.

CULPRIT: Dave McCaig (colorist).

DISSECTION: I'm reading the book, right? And I notice that Jessica Jones' eyes are the wrong color. They're green, when they should be blue. The next page, they're blue. And the next, back to green... and then brown. WTF?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, for the sheer sloppiness. Clint Barton's eyes are green first, then his correct blue color, then green again; Lady Octopus' eyes are green instead of brown, and Danielle Cage is drawn as a 4-6 months baby instead of a year old infant or so. Then I go to see who the colorist was... and the credit read "colorisst"...
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C03-"THE GRAY HOOD." (The Dissector #181, 10/14/10)

COMMENT: This was just baffling.

TITLE: Red Hood: The Lost Days (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Jason Todd is trying to find a girl in a car that's, unwittingly, carrying a bomb. Over the phone, he asks her what kind of car she's in, and she says the car is red. But the colorist made the car gray or black...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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C04-"WHO ARE THOSE GUYS? WHAT IS THIS, MOSAIC?" (The Dissector #183, 11/11/10)

COMMENT: While Nei's great, this deserved to be nominated for the coloring mistakes too.

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 53.

CULPRIT: Tyler Kirkham (penciller) and Nei Rufino (colorist)

DISSECTION: What? Bystanders on Korugar are colored like humans, some lighter, others darker, and it's not a trick of the light or anything, because in the same light as Kyle Rayner, many share his skin color. But that's not the worst thing... they're dressed, unequivocally, in Earth clothes: jackets, baseball caps, hoodies. People from Korugar have pink or red skin, and they certainly shouldn't be wearing normal Earth garments.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars, double. Also, Sinestro's ring is colored like his skin in a panel (that's where all the pink ink went!).
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C05-"WHITE STAR." (The Dissector #189, 12/12/10)

COMMENT: It's disheartening. I don't ask colorists, some of which I've met personally and know they don't care about comics at all (while others are fans too, mind you), to know by heart the detailed histories of each character they color... but is it so hard to check what ethnicity a character is supposed to be?

TITLE: Adventure Comics V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 521.

CULPRIT: Hi-Fi (colorist).

DISSECTION: Dawnstar is descended from Native Americans... she is not fair-skinned like Caucasians, and she does not have blue eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Twice. Get a fucking grip on the characters you are working on.
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I'm between two of those... Let's go with the nominees for Best Lettering Dissection:
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L01-"TRANSBAT." (The Dissector #148, 02/05/09)

COMMENT: Editors ended up taking the blame for this, but it's still a lettering error.

TITLE: Batman And Robin (DC).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Janelle Siegel (assistant editor) & Mike Marts (editor).

DISSECTION: Batwoman and Batman's speech balloons are switched on one page. Letterer Pat Brosseau says in his Facebook page that he was sure it was okay when he handed it in, so I'm going to take his word for it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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L02-"PUSHER FOR HIRE.!" (The Dissector #163, 05/23/10)

COMMENT: Talk about turning around a story...

TITLE: New Avengers: Luke Cage (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 03.

CULPRIT: Joe Sabino (letterer).

DISSECTION: Wow, Joe really did screw up on this one:


Cage talks like he's got people selling drugs? The villain who just attacked him says "it takes more than cats to hurt me"?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars each.
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L03-"HÉRR." (The Dissector #185, 11/19/10)

COMMENT: Two of my pet peeves (well, the same one twice, basically), mixed together.

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 647.

CULPRIT: Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Joe's one of my favorite letterers, and that makes this dissection worse... he letter's what's supposed to be the word "Señor" as "Senõr". Not only that, he makes the "o" smaller because of the tilde. *sigh*

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzar's for fucking up the word, 7 for the smaller letter.
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L04-"BLURRED DIALOGUES." (The Dissector #187, 11/23/10)

COMMENT: Nothing scandalous, but pretty obvious, and something that shouldn't (but did, and I can't be surprised) have escaped proofreading.

TITLE: The Flash V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Sal Cipriano (letterer).

DISSECTION: This one bears showing:


Seems like Sal pastes the text from the script to work on the balloons and actual lettering... but in this case, he forgot to delete or hide that layer when turning in the completed pages. Once upon a time, I would have been amazed at something like this slipping by an editor, but I've been doing this column for five years now...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. The first letter of a word is missing in another dialogue; and I'm going to blame that on Sal too this time, and Iris' eyes are colored incorrectly.
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Some interesting options. Let's check out the nominees for Best Other Dissection:
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O01-"WAR IS MESSY." (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

COMMENT: A real mess.

TITLE: Battlefields (Dynamite).

ISSUE: Honestly, I give up.

CULPRIT: Joseph Rybandt (editor).

DISSECTION: You know I enjoy these books... except for "Dear Billy", all the Battlefield minis have been excellent... well, "Dear Billy" is not bad, but just not to my taste. My favorite was "The Tankies", a three issue miniseries last year. Now the Tankies are back! Is it Battlefields: The Tankies II? Or is it Battlefields: The Firefly And His Majesty, or Battlefields: The Firefly, as it was announced?

No, it's Battlefields #4. What? There was never a book called "Battlefields", it was just Battlefields: The Night Witches, Battlefields: Dear Billy, and Battlefields: The Tankies, Yes, originally it was going to be Battlefields 1 to 9, with each of those three stories taking up three issues; but then, Battlefield: Happy Valley was released... and now a second Tankies story gets #4?

If it's a continuation of the original series of three minis, it'd be #10... if it's a continuation of the whole thing, including Happy Valley, it'd be #13. And if it's a continuation to the Tankies, it'd be #4... So, any way they want to say Dynamite is trying to publish this, it still doesn't make sense. There's also a blurb at the end of issue #5 that says announces the next issue as the conclusion of "the second Battlefields arc". So they're trying to consider this part of Battlefields: The Tankies... why don't you name it Battlefields: The Tankies and that way you can number it from #4?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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O02-"JUST SHOOT ME." (The Dissector #171, 07-26-10)

COMMENT: My bad, my bad. I really goofed up here.

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 170.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (editor).

DISSECTION: I was working on the column, and I noticed I didn't have a DT!, so I went and plucked one out of The Rundown... and left it there too. No one seems to have noticed, though, until Sidney did, some time later. Another badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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O03-"NUMBER π IN A SERIES." (The Dissector #177, 09/21/10)

COMMENT: Puzzling.

TITLE: B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth - New World (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 01 and 02 of 05.

CULPRIT: Scott Allie (editor) and/or Samantha Robertson (assistant editor).

DISSECTION: Editor Scott Allie tells us readers in the letter column of the first issue that "the B.P.R.D. series that started in 2002 with Hollow Earth has ended with King Of Fear, and now we're into a new series- B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth, of which New World is the first arc. (...) But the name of the book is now B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth, with subtitles."

Now, this is all fine and dandy, because as you might have noticed if you read B.P.R.D., all of the miniseries feature in the credits a note that says "number ## in a series"; to show that it's all the same series, even if it's not published as a regular ongoing title. And now, it's a new series, "B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth"... but why are issues #1 and #2 marked as "number 69" and "number 70" ("in a series").

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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O04-"FIRST ISSUE EVER... AGAIN!" (The Dissector #187, 11/23/10)

COMMENT: There's hype, and then there's lying and being ridiculous.

TITLE: Spider-Girl V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Stephen Wacker (senior editor), Nate Cosby (editor), Tom Brennan (associate editor), and Mike Horwitz (assistant editor).

DISSECTION: Cover for this first issue says it's the "most synapse-shattering super hero debut of the decade". Really? Can someone explain to me how that's possible? Araña has been around since 2004; and she changed costume and name months ago, jumping around other books with it since then... This is not a debut in any way... at least not a "super hero debut". It might be a "solo series debut" (which would be partially correct), but not what they say...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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O05-"CHAOS ATE MY CREDITS." (The Dissector #189, 12/12/10)

COMMENT: Yeah, who cares who wrote and drew this?

TITLE: Chaos War: Alpha Flight (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Unknown editor.

DISSECTION: Yeah.... THERE ARE NO DETAILED CREDITS IN THE WHOLE ISSUE!!! Just last names of writer, penciller, inker, and colorist on the cover...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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I am not voting for myself, that much I can tell you. Now the nominees for the first of the "positive" categories, Best Quote:
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Q01-"This is a Christian land, and we a Christian people, but that's not stopped the old gods from reminding us they exist." Hilda, about winter, Northlanders #24. (The Dissector #148, 02/05/10)
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Q02-"I leave a lot behind, but never the whisky." John Constantine, Hellblazer #264. (The Dissector #151, 03/03/10)
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Q03-"This station will be ground up with your bones into the finest powder which we will snort in our victory orgy." Drenx commander, S.W.O.R.D. #5. (The Dissector #154, 03/19/10)
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Q04-"(...) there are promises one makes to oneself, having lived through a holocaust. I'm afraid these promises preclude me from watching the extermination of my people in a reclining position. See to your patients, Dr. McCoy. I will see to our enemies." Max Eisenhardt, aka Magneto, New Mutants V3 #14. (The Dissector #168, 06/25/10)
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Q05-"Why does every BBQ I have end with a dead hippie being molested?" Franky, Billy The Kid's Old Timey Oddities And The Ghastly Fiend Of London #2 (The Goon backup story). (The Dissector #184, 11/17/10)
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Can't tell you which one I'm voting for, but I've made my choice. Now for the next positive category, the nominees for Best Moment:
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M01-From Doomwar #1: You. Do. Not. Fuck. With. The. Wakandan. Royal. Family. (The Dissector #151, 03/03/10)

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M02-From Superman #697: The Legion's New Espionage Squad, in the 21st century. (The Dissector #152, 03/05/10)

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M03-From Siege #4: It's over, Norman. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

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M04-S.H.I.E.L.D. #1: Galileo Vs. Galactus! (The Dissector #158, 04/16/10)

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M05-From X-Force V3 #26: The death of one of my favorite characters, and something I did not see coming. (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

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M06-From Ex Machina #50: The return of the Great Machine! (The Dissector #164, 05/28/10)

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M07-From Strange Tales II #1: Kate Beaton is too funny. (The Dissector #182, 10/31/10)

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The nominees for Best Cover:
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T01-Gravel #16. I like working class magicians, and this cover says "London". By Mike Wolfer. (The Dissector #147, 01/29/10)

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T02-From The Amazing Spider-Man V1 #625. The Gauntlet could get a bit repetitive, but the Rhino storyline was definitely compelling. Cover by Marko Djurdjevic. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

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T03-The Flash V3 #3, nice cover by Greg Horn (and it ain't traced porn!). (The Dissector #170, 07/10/10)

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T04-This is from The Murder Of King Tut #1, by Darwyn Cooke. (The Dissector #171, 07/26/10)

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Lastly, the nominees for the newest positive category, Best Fight Scene (yes, I know, very MTV of me):
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F01-From Mighty Avengers (blanking on the issue), Quicksilver takes down Gary Stu, err, Mr. X (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

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F02-In Hercules: Twilight of A God #2, Herc takes down a future Silver Surfer... with extreme prejudice. (The Dissector #171, 07/26/10)


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F03-Don't mess with John Walker (the former U.S.Agent), even when he's missing limbs! From Thunderbolts #147 (The Dissector #175, 09/07/10)

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F04-From Rawhide Kid #4, it's not a physical battle, but a gay fashion showdown in the old west: (The Dissector #178, 09/29/10)

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F05-From Warriors Three #2, Volstagg The Voluminous (my favorite Thor character) fights trolls (The Dissector #189, 12/13/10)

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OK, get voting, you have until the end of the month (perhaps a few more days), to do so. Catch you soon with the next regular column. Remember, nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

Alright, I'm preparing the column for the entire friggin' month of August, and The Rundown is monstruous... so here it is, in a separate post.

The Rundown: Action Comics (in the backup, Superboy blatantly betrays Superman's secret ID to Teen Titans and new characters who can't possibly be privy to that information), The Amazing Spider-Man Presents: American Son (double Osborn eye fuck ups), The Avengers V4 (Tony Stark's eyes are wrong, and Spidey, in the Avengers "book" at the end, reveals that the Green Goblin threw his girlfriend off a bridge... it's not like Gobbie does that every weekend), Avengers And The Infinity Gauntlet (Doom's eyes are wrong), Avengers Prime (really, Tony Stark doesn't know trolls are enemies of Asgard, and Steve Rogers doesn't know Midgard is Earth?), Batgirl V3 (not only accented letters are smaller than the rest, but now accents are horizontal lines above the letters, things just keep getting worse...), Batman: Odyssey (Kirk Langstrom is a zoologist, not a paleontologist, if this story is in Batman's beginnings, then Man-Bat can't be around so soon, Batman's mask-ears are jagged and broken at one point, then change and get fixed with no explanation), Batman Confidential (enough with Batman and Super not believing in the supernatural), Black Widow V4 ("refridgerator"?), Brightest Day (Mera's sister's troops are not "mercs"), Captain America: Forever Allies ("fortess" and... "Hilter"??!?!), Captain America V1 (Black Widow's eyes are miscolored in the backup), Darkstar And The Winter Guard (backup story has a typo), Doom Patrol V5 (Rita's eyes are wrong, "viola" instead of "voila", and there's no way Farr and Dayton adopted Gar Logan in 2006), Ex Machina (went back to re-read the first issue after the first one, and Hundred's eyes, a central part of his power's visible manifestation, are miscolored on the cover), Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors (wrong badges, not carrying the lantern within their ring, the unknown sectors are several, not just one, and if Guy wants to keep stuff secret from the Guardians, why is he using his ring to record secret journals?), Green Lantern Corps V2 (lanterns can carry their lanterns inside their rings, stop using the lazy "my ring is out of power" plot device), Hellblazer (accented letter), Hercules: Twilight Of A God (the Skrull impersonating Herc calls Herc's son "father"), Hulk V3 (Marvel), Justice League: Generation Lost (your cunning plan of infiltrating Checkmate's base, The Castle, disguised as renegade Rocket Reds will fail if you, Fire, who used to work for them and just failed on an attack on it recently, if you LEAVE YOUR VERY DISTINCTIVE GREEN HAIR OUT OF YOUR HELMET IN A PLACE WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!!!!), Justice Society Of America V3 (Kyle's badge, lantern power levels), Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (Sun Boy's eyes are colored wrong, and Gates' world is "Vyrga", not "Vyraga"), Outsiders V4 (horrible Spanish), The Phantom: Ghost Who Walks (the Phantom's son looks black in a panel, for some reason), R.E.B.E.L.S. (misuse of alien language), Red Robin (Bat chest emblem wrong on Dick, wrong use of the word "mesomorph"), Shadowland: Moon Knight (accented letter), Shadowland: Blood On The Streets (a cop has an e-mail ending in @thepolice.com? Is he friends with Sting? And in Misty Knight's profile, the reference to pain dampeners is repeated.), Shadowland: Power Man (the Spanish is practically perfect, except for one wrong word and one wonky sentence... then there are several accents and ñs; and ninjas using katanas), Steve Rogers: Super-Soldier (accented letters), Superman/Batman (Batman has met the Legion before, he's seen enough advanced tech... and owns enough to not call the situation a "bad science fiction movie", Ultra Boy's powers are incomplete, and a costumed Clark acts as Superboy in public in Smallville, not jiving completely with the current storyline presented in Secret Origin), Superman V1 (smaller accented letters with accents that are also horizontal lines), The Thanos Imperative (the location of characters in a scene changes between panels, and speech balloons are switched between characters), The Unwritten (accented letters), Thor V1 (accented letters), Time Masters: Vanishing Point (the credits have a small error, Black Beetle is colored red, Hal Jordan's badge is wrong, and changes shape to another wrong one), Ultimate Avengers 2 (are we really supposed to believe that Nick Fury will put a tracking in the Punisher's teeth; where it can so easily be lost during battle?), X-Factor V3 (Monet's eyes are miscolored, and Rictor's are wrong first, then right), X-Force: Sex And Violence (there's no way Domino fit 237 girls in that small truck, and Boomerang can't fly), X-Men-Curse Of The Mutants: Blade (it's São Paulo, not São Paolo; Portuguese, not Italian mixed with Portuguese), X-Men Forever 2 (accented letter), X-Men V3 (for no discernible reason, Colossus is hauling an unconscious vampire around a vampire infested sewer... unarmored), Young Allies (inconsistent lettering in the credits page).

The Dissector #164.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Hmmm... if we have to offer (Earth-Man) a Legion ring, it doesn't have to be an ordinary one. What was that rhyme about 'one ring'..." Brainiac 5, Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 #1.

Welcome to the column for comics released on 05/19, on time this week! Yes, it's a self-imposed deadline, but I like to meet it. Lt. Cmdr. JohnnyDoe earns himself another badge by noticing that the Celestial, said to be ten times taller than Ship, is not one and half times taller... JD, three more badges, and you make Commander!

Now, let it not be said that I just leave ambiguous dissections be and decide for myself that they're wrong. I try to go to authoritative sources and clear up my doubts. As confirmed by Tom Brevoort, "Michele" is the official spelling of Peter Parker's roommate’s first name. I'm not going to modify the dissection counts or averages from previous columns, but I've removed the dissections from book, company, and creator counts (only four occurrences this year).

Now, The Dissector's Picks Of The Week... Best Book Of The Week is, obviously, Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 #1. While the issue is not jam-packed with action like say, an issue of War Of The Supermen, there's enough action to keep you interested, excellent characterization (expectable, since Levitz basically owns most of this characters, if he didn't create them, he breathed life into them), and good plot twists. It's perfect for Legion fans, and I believe it's a good jumping on point for casual Legion readers, or even completely new readers. About the art, well, ever since I saw the first sketches by Cinar, I was convinced he was an excellent choice for this. He handles the action, the character moments, the technology and ambience very well. The only weak spot I can find is that some of the faces in characters sitting or standing in the background (but not that far away from the main characters in that scene) either look too rushed, or make the character look too young. But that's a minor gripe, compared to the background characters drawn by many other artists, and it's offset by the quality of the rest of the art in the book.

Worst Book Of The Week? The Galacta: Daughter Of Galactus one-shot. Wow, this was cute for a few pages in an anthology book (where it comes originated), or for a digital short story (where parts of this book were originally published... but thirty-one pages of story? and seven pages of posts from Galacta's twitter account? Not to mention the ridiculous writing... I expected much better from writer Adam Warren. Visually, the book is cute, but that's not enough for an entire one-shot, no matter how much Hector Sevilla Lujan tries to mimic Warren's art style.

The Rundown: Age Of Heroes (Faiza Hussain's eyes should be brown, not blue), Amazing Spider-Man Presents: American Son (multiple eye color errors), Batman: Streets Of Gotham (accented letter), Battlefields (the rank should be "Obersturmbannführer", not "Obersturmbanfuhrer", two Ns, even if you don't use the "ü"), Enter The Heroic Age (accented letter), G.I. Joe (eye color error), Girl Comics V2 (eye colors), Justice League Of America V2 (Alan Scott's lantern and chest emblem are wrong, German language errors, including a made-up rank), Wizard Magazine ("Ozymandius", "bones" instead of "bonus", and Ethan Van "Skiver"), X-Factor V3 (eye colors and shapes), X-Men: Pixie Strikes Back (German language, accented letter, Nightcrawler's costume is drawn and colored incorrectly), X-Men Forever V2 (several eye colors and designs are wrong, costuming errors, accented letter), X-Men Legacy (Dr. Nemesis' hair is colored incorrectly), Zatanna V2 (accented letters, a weird space after an opening question mark... surprisingly, the Spanish is right, if a bit stilted).
<-------------------------------->
"TWO CANS AND A BIT OF STRING."

TITLE: Avengers V4 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer).

DISSECTION: They either overshoot, or fall short... Avengers: The Origin has Rick Jones using computer equipment that's modern even for the Marvel Universe (12-15 years ago), and now, Bendis has him use CB Radio to unite the Avengers for the first time, and explain to people (it's text from a fictitious book) what CB radio was, compared to the internet...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. There are also several eye color mistakes, plus Beast looking too much like his previous form.
<-------------------------------->
"THE ATOM, NOT DOLLMAN."

TITLE: DC Universe: Legacies (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 10.

CULPRIT: Scott Kolins (penciller).

DISSECTION: The Atom, Al Pratt, was short, yes, at 5'1", but he was not a little person, and certainly not two heads shorter than Hourman (Rex Tyler, 5'10") and Sandman (Wesley Dodds, 5'11").

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WATCH YOUR FIGURE."

TITLE: Galacta: Daughter Of Galactus (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Adam Warren (writer).

DISSECTION: I should have caught this in the assistant editor special that came out some time ago, I think the same terms were used... but no matter how silly you're trying to be, and no matter how efficient Galacta's technology is, there is no way that a human being will yield between 16 and 18 GIGAcalories, a cat 4, and so on.

Warren, do you understand that GIGA means A BILLION? Ten to the power of nine?? 1.000.000.000??? Recommended daily energy intake values for human beings varies between 2000-3000 kilocalories per day... so how the hell could a person yield anywhere near a gigacalorie when converted to energy?!?!?!?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. There is also an accented letter smaller than it should be.
<-------------------------------->
"PUSH."

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (DC).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Paul Levitz (writer).

DISSECTION: I've sung all the praise I could about this book... well, maybe not all I could, but enough for this column. There was an error, however, and I didn't notice it... though I'm not at all certain it's actually an error, you know?

Here's the thing, Roy (who gets a badge and a promotion to Lieutenant) asked me if I had noticed Saturn Girl using telekinesis (or "teke", if Chris Claremont was writing this). I hadn't read the book yet, and said I'd be on the outlook. So I read with extra attention (not that my spider sense is not always on)... and only noticed one panel, where she seems to be shoving people from under falling ruble from a distance.

I told Roy that to me, it looked like that, but it could be said that she's using telepathy to shove them out in "command" way, if you know what I mean. But that wasn't what Roy was referring to... he was actually referring to the scene where she breaks through a window:


I didn't want to believe that Paul Levitz, who knows these characters like they were his creations, had slipped, so I countered that she could be flying through the window, using her flight ring, which is made from Valorium, a derivate of Thanagarian Nth metal, and there's some sort of gravity pulse and... yeah, I know, a little far-fetched, but plausible.

But while the Legion fan in me wanted to leave it at that, the Dissector wouldn't allow him. So I asked Yildiray Cinar, the Legion's newest artist, who I have contact with through Facebook. Cinar confirmed it was TK, and said: "It was in the script so I'm not sure what's with S.G.'s telekinesis. I'm sure we'll all find out. :)".

What does this mean? That it could all be part of a plan on Levitz part, which I'd prefer, because I don't want to believe that he's slipping like Chris Claremont (although the quality of the writing in this issue, as mentioned before, assures me that he's not). Why am I considering this a dissection, then? Well, when she's introduced, her caption says only "telepathy"... yes, it could all be part of Levitz' plan, but still... if it turns out there's an actual reason behind this, I'll retract from this dissection (but Roy won't lose his badge).

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Brainiac 5's eyes are purple (wrong), then green (correct), and Sodam Yat's hair should be black, not brown.
<-------------------------------->
"DISSECT THIS TO HELL."

TITLE: X-Men: Hellbound (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 03.

CULPRIT: Harvey Tolibao (penciller).

DISSECTION: See if you can spot this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, there are character design elements wrong, and some accented letters are smaller than they should be.
<-------------------------------->
This week's column gives us a 6.4 Bazzars average in fifty-four dissections, pretty standard. If you follow my posts on Facebook, you'll know that there's no doubt of which the Cover Of The Week is:


This delicacy by Yildiray Cinar (pencils), Wayne Faucher (inks), and Rod Reis (colors) is simply stunning, and if you don't know what's going on, you'll want to crack open the book just to see what the hell's up with this. Moments Of The Week? By all means. First, from War Of The Supermen, Jimmy Olsen's got friends:


A Legion of friends. :) (Matter of fact, he's got TWO Legions of friends, but who's counting...) The war between Earth and New Krypton rages on... in Argentina?


Obviously, Uruguay was small enough to be spared (and no, DC One Million doesn't count). What's interesting enough is that there are no Argentinian artists or writers involved in this book (Cafu is most likely Brazilian, and even if inker "Bit" or colorist "Blond" are Argentinian, they have no incidence on the actual content of the book), which makes me think one of the writers (James Robinson or Sterling Gates) is a Heinlein fan. That, or Robinson, being British, still can't forgive Argentina for the Falklands/Malvinas war (shya, right).

Now, one of those funny moments from Atomic Robo:


Looks familiar... Next, the new Avengers assemble:


Wait, Bucky Cap was chosen only for his symbolism? Gee, thank you, Steve! Next, the much anticipated...


... return of the Great Machine! More LSH, Brainy's a character after my own heart:


Hehehe... and who was that Green Lantern ring for?


Oh, sprock! In the X-Men camp, I didn't enjoy Pixie's mini, but the last issue was better, particularly this moment:


I should adapt Enid Blyton's novels to comic... More Marvel, the first Hulk of the Ultimate universe has an interesting choice of weaponry:


War Machine is a crybaby, it was just a one-man plane! And for the finale, Zatanna has to be paying millions of dollars in life insurance:


Because there can't be anything more stupid in the DCU than dressing up as the Joker, like she has one of her actors do... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector Special #07: Autopsy Awards 2009 Nominations.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

Here are the 2009 Autopsy Awards nominees right here! The voting will be via e-mail, send your votes to lordmagnusen at gmail.com, in the following form (each nomination has a code): "W01, A03, C02..."

Some of the awards are not subject to vote, as they are given solely on a numeric basis (most Dissected company, etc), or specially awarded for extraordinary "merit" (I also accept suggestions for special awards). Of course, the text for each dissection is the original one from when they were published, but I've added (mostly) new comments for all.

The last three categories are actually about positive things that a comic book company or creator would be proud to win... unlike the other categories. I'm talking about the "Best Quote", "Best Moment", and "Best Cover" awards. Now, the nominees:

Let's get started with the Best Writing Dissection nominees:
<-------------------------------->
W01-"RED LIGHTNING!" (The Dissector #108, 01/21/09)

COMMENT: This was a bit surprising; since James Robinson is a good writer, and this is not just sloppy science, but sloppy comic book reading comprehension.

TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 683.

CULPRIT: James Robinson (writer).

DISSECTION: Black Lightning uses his powers against a Kryptonian by surrounding him with lightning and then... CHANGING THE LIGHTNING'S COLOR TO RED, THEREFORE RENDERING THE KRYPTONIAN POWERLES??!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Robinson, Kryptonians are powerless under RED SUNLIGHT, not RED ELECTRICITY!!! Black Lightning has ELECTRIC POWERS not SOLAR POWERS!!!

Robinson also has Starfire absorbing the yellow solar radiation from the Kryptonians to leave them powerless. This, while a stretch of her powers (she never had such control, her solar energy absorption is usually just passive), it's not absurd like what he does with Black Lightning's powers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. No less.
<-------------------------------->
W02-"SCALPED?" (The Dissector #118, 06/05/09)

COMMENT: I understand writers, particularly the ones from the US, not understanding foreign cultures or even law systems... but their own? Also, I'm so proud of my dad... he starts as a judge in a week or so.

TITLE: War Machine V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Greg Pak.

DISSECTION: War Machine, wanted under the Superhuman Registration Act, and whatever laws have put Norman Osborn in charge of H.A.M.M.E.R. and all that jazz, takes refuge in an Indian reservation; and apparently, he'll be safe inside the "rez", under tribal law. Uhm, no. Tribal law applies to everyday stuff, but someone who breaks Federal law is persecuted even inside reservation borders. If you have any questions, just ask my new to-go-guy for Tribal Law, Charles S. Aspinwall, Attorney At Law, Cowboy Of Regulations


And he kind of looks like my dad, but in a Cowboy Parallel Universe version!!!!! First my dad looks like a Sinestro Corps Member, then he looks like a Starfleet engineer... and now a Cowboy Lawyer!!! At least they share a profession (lawyer, not cowboy).

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. I had a dissection similar to this one, which only got 8 Bazzars, but this time around it's not about a tribal citizen avoiding charges for not being registered; but rather a fugitive fleeing Federal authorities by running into a reservation. Federal authorities (and particularly H.A.M.M.E.R.) would not stop at the "rez" border. Just ask Chuck Aspinwall.

On another note, I'd like to congratulate my dad for being named judge for the Inter-American Court of Human Rights. He's one of Uruguay's (and the Americas') top lawyers, a great teacher, father, and excellent person, and I'm very proud of him. He'll be rocking one of these snazzy robes, yet no wig. I think I'll get him a Green Lantern emblem so I can pretend he's a Guardian Of The Universe. CONGRATULATIONS DAD!!!
<-------------------------------->
W03-"DISSECTNEXT." (The Dissector #130, 08/28/09)

COMMENT: With mistakes like this one, I really fear that Claremont has some sort of senility problems...

TITLE: GeNext United (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 05.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer).

DISSECTION: Looks like Chris can't keep his nose clean for too long. Dissect me this, please:


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W04-"LAW & DISORDER." (The Dissector #141, 11/27/09)

COMMENT: This one was just... well, the art counterpart of this dissection was even worse.

TITLE: War Machine V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Greg Pak (writer).

DISSECTION: Norman Osborn and H.A.M.M.E.R. turn James Rhodes over to the International Criminal Court (ICC from now on). *sigh* Where do I start? First of all, H.A.M.M.E.R. is a US organization; it's not international as S.H.I.E.L.D. was, and the USA is not a member of the ICC. A little background: The United States of America, through then president Bill Clinton, signed the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court in 2000. However, Clinton stated that he would not submit it to the Senate for advice and consent for ratification until the U.S. government had a chance to assess the functioning of the court (although he supported the proposed role of the ICC and its aims). A treaty that is not ratified is not legally binding.

In 2002, the 60 requisite ratifications for the Rome Statue were reached, and US President George W. Bush's administration sent a note to the UN Secretary General suspending the US government's signature of the statute, and informing that the USA recognized no obligation towards the Court.

Additionally, the US government stated that its intention not to become a member state of the ICC be reflected in the UN documentation, specifically because signatories have an obligation not to undermine the object and purpose of a treaty.

Now, let's assume that one of the following three things is true: 1) That H.A.M.M.E.R. is a UN organization (which it's not, from all that's been shown in the comics), 2) That in the Marvel Universe, the USA is a member of the ICC (which I doubt), or 3) That the USA is making an exception and collaborating with the ICC, since many of War Machine's crimes were committed outside the US (which is believable, I guess). Assuming any of those three things to be true... judging Rhodes in the ICC is still wrong.

In broad strokes, the ICC's purpose is to prosecute individuals for genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, and the crime of aggression (although it cannot currently exercise jurisdiction over the latter). War Machine's crimes do not fall within any of those definitions; he's no different than many unregistered heroes, or rather, since he kills, no different than most supervillains, or even vigilantes like Moon Knight (at his worst) or the Punisher. At most, he's a terrorist... and the International Criminal Court does not have jurisdiction over terrorism.

Many member states wanted to add terrorism and drug trafficking to the list of crimes covered by the Rome Statute; however, the states were unable to agree on a definition for terrorism, and drug trafficking was left out because as this might overwhelm the court's limited resources.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. But, as infomercials say, this is not all! Read the next dissection for a complete screw-up, writing and art-wise.
<-------------------------------->
I think this one's going to be a close vote. Let's go on with the nominees for Best Art Dissection:
<-------------------------------->
A01-"CHANGE, AS FAST AS A GAZELLE RUNS." (The Dissector #112, 03/27/09)

COMMENT: Bach's work is terrorism.

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 50.

CULPRIT: Ramon Bachs (penciller).

DISSECTION: Remember back in column #103, when I noted that Francis Manapul had radically changed Gazelle's design, from obviously alien, to slightly changed human (perhaps only cosmetically so)? Well, Bachs does one worse! Below, you can see in the upper left corner, Gazelle's first appearance in issue #37; and next to it, Manapul's rendition on issue #48. Then on the row below, Gazelle from the first pages of issue #50. Bach changes her hair, loses the markings on her face, and makes her features even more human (or what passes for human with Bach's art in this book). He also modifies her costume... but he doesn't stop there; because he even changes her appearance radically by the final pages of the book, and slightly in the same page:


My God, this is fucking outrageous! By the end of the book, she looks like a furry!!! Colorist JD Smith helps Bachs commit this crime, too.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A02-"B.E.A.S.T." (The Dissector #140, 11/20/09)

COMMENT: After I accepted that Beast had mutated even after his secondary mutation; I still couldn't accept this. He looks NOTHING like he should.

TITLE: S.W.O.R.D. (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Steven Sanders (penciller).

DISSECTION: You know, it helps to check character references when working on a comic issue. Beast looks like this, according to Sanders:


Uhm... WHAT??!?!?!? He looks like one of the multiple versions of Star Wars' Bothans.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, if Lockheed is assigned to the Stiletto Zero (a S.W.O.R.D. spaceship), how does he end up on the other ship with McCoy and Brand?
<-------------------------------->
A03-"WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF UNIFORM?" (The Dissector #141, 11/27/09)

COMMENT: I suspect Aranda is Ramon Bachs who is now worried about shaming his family name.

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Ghosts (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Javier Aranda (artist).

DISSECTION: There are plenty of dissections in this book, so I'll just show the worst art one, and the worst writing one. Additionally, I'll say that Riker's eyes are brown instead of his correct blue, Deanna Troi's eyes are wrong, Worf's warrior sash is missing, Data has Lieutenant rank insignia, when he's a Lt. Cmdr., Picard has Commander pips at one point, and Beverly Crusher should be wearing three solid pips, since she was a Commander from the show's start, instead of one pip... or two, as she wears in this book depending on the panel.

Now, the worst art dissection was that the uniform designs don't match the real uniforms from the TV show... not only that, but the designs change from page to page, and even are mirrored; switching horizontal orientation. See below, first what a real TNG uniform looks like, then how Aranda mangles them and doesn't even keep them consistent during the issue:


For starters, there's Picard in his uniform. The shoulders and the neckline look a bit different, but that's pretty much acceptable; stuff that depends on angles and whatnot. But then there's the lower part of the jacket... there's a "spike", let's call it, pointing at Jean-Luc's right hip, and the red fabric slopes up in a twenty degree (more or less) angle towards a few inches before his left hip, then angles down to a second spike towards it. Then, from that spike, you have a line straight up towards his left armpit. Now that I look at it closely, it's basically the shape of the Star Fleet "alpha" badge.

Now look at the Picard drawn by Aranda. The line from the first spike to the second has a much sharper angle, and it's noticeably shorter, leading to a much wider second spike. Yes, he's kind of turned sideways, but still, the design is different; as the red fabric covers the zone under his armpit, something that doesn't happen in the real uniform.

Then, in the third image, Data (or a snowman dressed in his clothes... more like a blow up doll) has a uniform with a different design from the one Picard wears in the previous picture... and Riker has a different one, and it looks like Worf wears a third different design, and Picard too... then... WAIT!!! Look at that... I just realized that for ONE, and only ONE panel in the whole comic, Worf wears his sash... and it looks more like a Pancho Villa bullet belt!!!! Of course, in that picture Picard and Riker are wearing a fourth and fifth designs, and they're even mirrored...

Fantastic Aranda, fantastic. Please, IDW, quit ruining your Star Trek comics... half of them have subpar artists... and some, like this one, have people who should not be hired for professional artwork. This is no longer a dissection thing, but an actual, honest, completely objective quality appraisal. Aranda is BAD, his human(oid) figures are inconsistent, his designs don't stay the same, and everything looks UGLY. And yes, Worf appears in about fourteen panels in the whole comic, and he's only wearing his sash (which doesn't look much like his sash) in one.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars for the horrible uniform debacle. I look forward to the next issue of this book... as long as the writer e-mails me the script, or Javier Aranda is replaced by someone (yes, even Rob Liefield would do).
<-------------------------------->
A04-"IN-TER-NA-TIO-NAL." (The Dissector #141, 11/27/09)

COMMENT: The level of ignorance involved in this dissection is simply disheartening.

TITLE: War Machine V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Wellinton Alves (penciller).

DISSECTION: This is even worse, because if you want to justify the previous dissection, you can always claim "things are different in the Marvel Universe!". In this case, however, there is no excuse. Jim Rhodes stands before a single judge (something that never happens in the ICC as far as I was able to ascertain) in an ICC courtroom (that looks nothing like the real ones)... and there's a US flag to the side of the judge and a US seal behind her.

Why? Why the hell would you do that Alves? INTERNATIONAL. CRIMINAL. COURT. INTERNATIONAL!!!

INTER-FUCKING-NATIONAL!!!

I can understand an American, with the (no offense meant to my American readers) general sense of being the center of the world US citizens have, starting with the fact that they call themselves "Americans", as if they were the only residents of the American continent. But a Brazilian artist? Please Wellinton, use the internet, do some research... Typing three worlds and clicking on three links I found this 360º photographic virtual tour of one of the ICC. And even if you didn't HAVE an internet connection, why in the name of Khan Noonien Singh would you think of putting US symbols in the INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT??!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Of course, there are eye color mistakes and other stuff.
<-------------------------------->
Some of these dissections were just alarming... On with the nominees for Best Coloring Dissection, which aren't as exciting:
<-------------------------------->
C01-"LAUNDRY MIX-UP." (The Dissector #115, 05/19/09)

COMMENT: IDW's Star Trek comics usually have good plots; and great characterization, you almost always feel like you're watching a TV episode of the respective series. But they are so often drawn but such lousy artists; and there are so many wrong details that could be avoided by five minutes at Memory Alpha, or some, like this one, by WATCHING A FUCKING EPISODE OF THE SHOW!!! (And yes, I just realized I wrote "why is" when referring two people, I'm dissecting that next column.)

TITLE: Star Trek: Mission's End (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: John Hunt (colorist).

DISSECTION: Why is Spock and Uhura wearing a yellow uniform, and Sulu a blue one?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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C02-"SOLO TUS OJOS." (The Dissector #127, 08/08/09)

COMMENT: This one's just sloppy, but not very exciting.

TITLE: Star Wars Adventures: Princess Leia and the Royal Ransom (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Atiyeh (colorist).

DISSECTION: Han Solo's eyes are colored green during most of the issue... then brown (as they should be) for a couple of panels... then green again. So, not only are you unable to look at character references for one of the MAIN CHARACTERS OF THE STAR WARS SAGA, but you're also unable to keep your crap consistent for a single comic?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Yes. It's Han FUCKING Solo, not BoShek (who has brown eyes too, BTW & FYI).
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C03-"BLUE MARBLES." (The Dissector #127, 08/08/09)

COMMENT: Ditto, but it's common sense.

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 35.

CULPRIT: Pete Pantazis (colorist).

DISSECTION: It's not Norman, but Hoshi Kimiyo's eyes are colored blue, when they should be black. Do you just start coloring a comic book decide to give a Japanese character blue eyes, and you can't see anything odd about that?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Plastic Man's legs are painted as if he wore pants... and he doesn't; all in the same page where he is colored correctly in the rest of the panels.
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C04-"DISSECTION MACHINE!" (The Dissector #138, 11/06/09)

COMMENT: The problem here was that the woman is James Rhodes' mother; and she's a black woman... not in the picture.

TITLE: War Machine V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Jay David Ramos & Michael Bartolo (colorists).

DISSECTION: Come on, this one is very simple:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Norman's eyes. And please, bring Leonardo Manco back to this book...
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My vote is obvious. Let's go with the nominees for Best Lettering Dissection:
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L01-"BATMAN IN BARCELÖNA." (The Dissector #118, 06/05/09)

COMMENT: I know I rant on and on about the size of accented letters; but this was just ridiculous, and not just about the size.

TITLE: Batman In Barcelona: Dragon's Knight (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Steve Wands (letterer).

DISSECTION: Now, this issue is a bag of lame; while it's not bad, it's filler crap at its best. Writer Mark Waid puts in a few unbelievable ideas, such as Batman not being recognized outside of Gotham (Justice League, anyone?), or him not being able to sneak a utility belt through customs (he built Brother Eye, he has access to alien tech, and the best tech humanity has to offer); and there's a few Spanish language mistakes too.

However, what made me cringe were the accents on letters in Spanish or Catalá; I'm used by now (even if I hate it) to letterers making accented vowels smaller in languages like these, but Wands takes the cake here. Look at this couple of examples:


Not only are the accented letters about three quarters the size of the rest of the font (and almost half in some other cases), but also, he's made the accents as almost horizontal lines above the letters! Good God!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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L02-"SWITCHEROO!" (The Dissector #129, 08/25/09)

COMMENT: Lame, but pay more attention to characters, please.

TITLE: Adventure Comics (DC Comics).

ISSUE: 504.

CULPRIT: Sal Cipriano (letterer).

DISSECTION: Yes, I've decided to refer to this book with the original numbering; since the dual numbering is not just on the covers, but on the indicia of the book, which makes it pretty clear that is more than just a gimmick. No dissections on the Superboy story, but in the Legion character spread Night Girl and Shadow Lass have the info caption boxes switched between them.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. There are other mistakes, such as omitting important powers from certain info boxes (namely Superman's invulnerability, or the fact that Polar Boy doesn't just control cold, he generates it too).
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L03-"WEDNESDAY MIXUP." (The Dissector #129, 08/25/09)

COMMENT: Just confusing, slightly.

TITLE: Wednesday Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 52.

CULPRIT: Blambot's Nate Piekos (letterer, Metamorpho story).

DISSECTION: Metamorpho has a plan, then congratulates Element Girl on her good thinking.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Iris West's eyes are colored incorrectly, again.
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L04-"RŒD TORNADŒ" (The Dissector #132, 09/14/09)

COMMENT: Just sloppy.

TITLE: Red Tornado V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 6.

CULPRIT: Sal Cipriano (letterer).

DISSECTION: Okay, this book is only slightly less exciting than the Magog book; but at least it's a mini. The Magog book can only be explained by Keith Giffen wanting to write him and DC letting him... What's the dissection here? Well, Penciller José Luís is credited with an accent in his last name on the cover (while other books have credited without it; the Brazilian spelling has an accent while the Spanish spelling doesn't, and I don't know if he's Brazilian or Hispanic). I can't really confirm a dissection there, and I'm inclined to believe he's Brazilian or even Portuguese...

However, look at what Sal Cipriano did inside of the book:


Man... that's not only wrong, it's not even POSSIBLE. You can't have a dot on the "i" AND an accent. If it wasn't for Simon Bowland's sheer volume of work...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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Again, nothing that exciting this year. Now let's check out the nominees for Best Other Dissection:
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O01-"TO BOLDLY DISSECT..." (The Dissector #133, 09/27/09)

COMMENT: The answer here was that there hasn't been a Klingon emperor in centuries when the story takes place. There's a Klingon emperor (and a Princess) during the late 2260s; when the story takes place. There was no Emperor in the Klingon Empire from the mid-21st Century to 2369 (and then only in a ceremonial position, the clone of Kahless). I almost put this as a writing nomination; since it ended up being in the comic book itself... but I think the editor should be to blame here; not Byrne, nor the ad writer.

TITLE: Star Trek: Nero (IDW).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Unknown ad writer.

DISSECTION: This one's for the trekkies:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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O02-"PROFILE, SCHMOFILE." (The Dissector #135, 10/16/09)

COMMENT: The Handbooks crew is just unbelievable... I catch stuff with ONE read, even when flipping through their profile books... now you include the profile for the star of your solo book, and you don't even make it accurate or complete?

TITLE: Doctor Voodoo: Avenger Of The Supernatural (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Unknown profile writer and Lauren Sankovitch (editor).

DISSECTION: The profile for Doctor Voodoo is sorely out of date; it's for "Brother Voodoo", it narrates some of his recent adventures without noting that some of those adventures were not had by him but by a Skrull impersonating him; and it neglects to include his recent ascendance to Sorcerer Supreme. Pitiful.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars each,
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O03-"EXAGGERATION, MUCH?" (The Dissector #142, 12/04/09)

COMMENT: Just an example of not paying attention.

TITLE: Avengers: The Initiative (Marvel).

ISSUE: 30.

CULPRIT: Christos N. Gage (writer) and/or Rachel Pinnelas (assistant editor) & Bill Roseman (editor).

DISSECTION: The intro blurb says "... after Stamford, Connecticut was destroyed..."; but Stamford was not destroyed, a school and surrounding houses in Stamford were destroyed.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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O04-"THOU HAST LETTERED THY COMIC INCORRECTLY!" (The Dissector #143, 12/12/09)

COMMENT: ... and another one. Thor will be mad.

TITLE: Thor V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 604.

CULPRIT: Joe Sabino (letterer) and/or Alejandro Arbona (assistant editor), Ralph Macchio & Warren Simmons (editors).

DISSECTION: The recent Thor one-shot had a preview of this issue, which, as usual, ended with "CONTINUED IN THOR #604"... but they left the "CONTINUED..." blurb on that page's art for this issue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Also, CeeCee, I hate to call you on it, but Doctor Doom has brown eyes, not blue eyes.
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Now for the nominees for the first of the "positive" categories, Best Quote:
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Q01-"Several boys reached puberty and exploded in their pants upon seeing her." Narrator, about Cin (aka Cinderella). Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #54. (The Dissector #113, 04/16/09)
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Q02-"I'm Charles Fort. My partner here is Howard Phillips Lovecraft. Unusual facts find me and unusual... THINGS find him." Charles Fort, Atomic Robo And The Shadow From Beyond Time #1. (The Dissector #116, 05/23/09)
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Q03-"The zombie horde tears into you like a pack of three year olds into a bag of two cent candy." B.A. Felton, Knights Of The Dinner Table #139. (The Dissector #127, 08/08/09)
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Q04-"Georgie Porgie is naught but a breathing transport for Georgie Porgie's pudding, which seeks out peculiar quim and holes in young bucks trousers with the snuffling alacrity of a Provençal truffle pig." Percy Shelley, about Lord Byron, Frankenstein's Womb. (The Dissector #130, 08/28/09)
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Q05-"The men of the Bronze Age were the children of humans and gods. They performed great deeds, rid the world of giant monsters, pursued the Golden Fleece on the Argo and waged war against Troy. (...) Now, we suffer through the doleful Iron Age. (...) The once-sacred powers of the gods are made mockery by freaks of science who wear their underwear on the outside of their clothing!" Hera, Assault On New Olympus. (The Dissector #139, 11/12/09)
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Q06-"We are your gods! And not docile Morgan Freeman God, we're talking full-force, 110% Jack Kirby Gods! With armor and Omega Beams and chess pieces made to look like my enemies!" Wannabe warlocks at a convention, Angel #27. (The Dissector #143, 12/12/09)
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Alright, now for the next positive category, the nominees for Best Moment:
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M01-From Atomic Robo And The Shadow From Beyond Time #2: Atomic Robo is as much a dissector as I am. (The Dissector #119, 06/11/09)

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M02-From Blackest Night #1:This was a very shocking, and creepy moment. (The Dissector #125, 07/29/09)

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M03-Final Crisis: Legion Of 3 Worlds #5: I admit it, I always nominate a Legion moment because love them. These are the Legions Of Three Worlds, people, it doesn't get much awesomer than this. (The Dissector #126, 08/04/09)

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M04-From Flash: Rebirth #4: Flash Facts: If you mess with the Flashes, Daddy Flash will pimp slap yo' ass!!! (The Dissector #131, 09/04/09)

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M05-From The Boys #34: What happened to Germany when the Nazis pushed the allies too far? Well, the Americans, the British, and the Free French Forces attacked... then the Soviets took Berlin from behind! (The Dissector #132, 09/14/09)

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M06-From Hellboy: The Wild Hunt #6: I did not see this one coming. Hellboy descendant of King Arthur? (The Dissector #133, 09/27/09)

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M07-From Comic Book Comics #4: We learn how Jack Kirby escapes from Marvel for the second time. (The Dissector #143, 12/12/09)

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Lastly, the nominees for the newest positive category, Best Cover:
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T01-Ex Machina #44. Pulp jacket? Check. Pulp goggles? Check. Steampunk cog? Check. Yeah, I'm easy. Thanks, Tony Harris and company. (The Dissector #130, 08/28/09)

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T02-A beautiful Reverse Flash cover by Ethan Van Sciver. (The Dissector #131, 09/04/09)

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T03-This one's by Skottie Young, for Iron Man And The Armor Wars #2. I like it, it's compelling. (The Dissector #132, 09/14/09)

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T04-The below cover for Green Lantern Corps V2 #41 was way too creepy to not be the Cover Of The Week. Patrick Gleason's pencils capture the mandatory spookiness of an undead child; who's at the same time very smug (that smug lil bastard face makes me think of my son's; who's smarter than most people and knows it). The inks are by Rebecca Buchman; and the colors by Randy Mayor and/or Gabe ElTaeb. (The Dissector #136, 10/23/09)

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T05-This is pretty cover by Guillem March for Gotham City Sirens #5. (I like me some cheesecake...) (The Dissector #138, 11/06/09)

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OK, get voting, you have until the end of the month (perhaps a few more days), to do so. Catch you soon with the next regular column. Remember, nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!