ÑÕ SIGNOR!

It's been over 5 years since I last posted a dissection, but these mistakes were too much for me to take. "Ciudadonos" is not a word, it's "Ciudadanos", and it's "mis ciudadanos", since it's plural. And come on, "SENÕR"?!?!? Come on, it's "Señor", there are 53 million Spanish speakers in the US!

Not to mention that we should bury that stupid trope of having characters speakin in English (whether translated for the readers or actually speaking the language) dropping random words or phrases in their native language. Yes, bilingual people will do it, but not in the way writers think, and not in the case of the President (and his personal physician) of a fake Spanish-speaking Central American or South American country like Terra Verde.

By the way, the writer used Terra Verde and said it's in South America, and used the flag of that Marvel country... which is actually in Central America (first appearance Fantastic Four #117, 1971). TIERRA Verde is a different country, in Central America, which first appeared in Wolverine V2 #18 (1989). You know how I learned this? By googling for five seconds.

You know how you can find how to spell words in other languages? DING DING DING! BY GOOGLING FOR FIVE SECONDS!

(From X-Force V6 #6, writer Benjamin Percy.)

The Dissector #200.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

06/01"I came to Gotham as an adult to break the Batman. So I beat him. I did what no other could. Not Luthor, not those loathsome psychopaths in Arkham. And when he was beaten... I snapped his spine over my knee in a joyful sound that I have dreamt of every night since." Bane, Secret Six V3 #34.

06/08"Electro, I always meant to tell you... You were my greatest adversary and it was an honor to battle you. Oh wait. That wasn't you. I barely ever gave you a second's thought." Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man #159.

06/15"Aquaman sinks half of Europe... and he's considered the most dangerous being on the planet. I slaughter half of Africa... and most people don't even know my name. Location, location, location." President Grodd, Flashpoint: Grodd Of War.

06/22"Kraven is about to learn the most important rule of fighting me... if you allow me to strike back, you have already lost." Black Panther, Black Panther: The Man Without Fear #520.

06/29"My plan... is to give the X-Men what they want... more mutants." Scarlet Witch, Avengers: The Children's Crusade #6.

It is with a heavy heart, that I welcome you to the column for the month of June. Heavy heart because this will be the last installment of The Dissector, at least for some time. I'm not killing the column forever, merely placing it in carbonite for a long, undetermined hiatus. You've noticed I haven't posted a column in months, even though I kept on compiling notes for this month, July, and August. When I started reading September's books, I decided it was time to let the column go for now.

Why? Well, as I've said before, I'm very busy with my day job, and now, thankfully, paid writing jobs (did you check out the flash game "Kingdom Rush"? I wrote the texts for that, and I'm working on the sequel already!), and some small, yet promising comic book lettering jobs. On top of that, I'm writing and editing comics in Spanish for the small imprint I'm part of, GAS Comics... and at some point, you'll see them in English as well (like this story I published on Hadron Colliderscope).

I just don't have the time to keep up and write this column as it deserves, but... you know what? I just decided that I'll transform this into a proper blog. I don't want to kill The Dissector, it'll just stop being a column for now, and have occasional blog posts, with a dissection that's just an image and a few lines; or even a cool moment (a la Moments Of The Week). I just can't kill the Dissector... he's stronger than me!!! So that's what it's going to be like: no schedule, no long-winded posts (unless I feel like it), no firm structure, no ratings, etc.

For now, however, enjoy the last column... but stay tuned. Last column's DT! was cracked by Johnny Doe: Alan Scott's power comes from his ring so only his right hand should be glowing. Yeah, the Starheart's power is within him and all that jazz, but still. Now, The Dissector's Picks For Each Week:

Best Book Of The Week of 06/01 was Thunderbolts #168; I'm not a fan of any of the character starring there, yet Jeff Parker makes them engaging. Kev Walker's art (with Frank Martin's colors) give the book a gritty feeling that's fitting for a book starring mostly convicts or ex-convicts. Worst Book that week was the first issue of the new volume of S.H.I.E.L.D.; as much as I love retro super-science (almost technomagic), and Dustin Weaver's art is pretty cool, Hickman's tendency to overcomplicate things just to seem deep makes it a boring read. Maybe that's not Hickman's intention, but it ends up feeling that way to me. Cover Of The Week is this wonderful piece by Sabrina Alberghetti for Chip 'N' Dale #7. I can relate to Monty's love for cheese.

Best Book for 06/08 was the first issue of Mystery Men; Marvel's miniseries introducing pulp-era heroes. As a writer who knows the style, David Liss is perfect for this book, and creates characters that fit the era's stereotypes superbly. Patrick Zircher's art captures the right feel for the 30s; with great color by Andy Troy. Worst Book was Red Robin #24. I have no idea why I was reading this book, it's not bad, but it's definitely not my kind of book... and the art by Marcus To is technically good, but bland. Cover for this week was Joe Jusko's beautiful painting for Warlord Of Mars #7. Jusko captures exactly what this book is about.

Week Of 06/15 has as Best Book Hellblazer #280, Peter Milligan's run keeps delivering, and while guest artist Gael Bertrand's style is not what I'd prefer, it doesn't disappoint. Trish Mulvihill's colors are probably the main reason why I still felt at home with Bertrand's art. Worst Book this week was Teen Titans #96, wake me up when the whole trip to Hindu hell is over. Cover this week was this simple, yet nice circus poster by Cliff Chiang, for issue one of Flashpoint: Deadman And The Flying Graysons.



Best Book for the week of 06/22 is Black Panther: The Man Without Fear #520. This book never ceases to entertain, David Liss' script for is great, and while Jefte Palo is not Francesco Francavilla, his art sure is up to the task. Worst Book was Superman #712. JMS's utterly boring "Superman walks through America" arc is interrupted by a bland fill-in issue starring Krypto, written by Kurt Busiek. It could have been palatable, if it wasn't for the awful art by Rick Leonardi, who can't draw a human being without a face that looks like it belongs to a Dick Tracy villain. Cover for this week is that beautiful piece by Alex Ross for Rocketeer Adventures #2... would make a great poster.

Last week of the month, 06/29, has as Best Book the second to last issue of The Strange Case of Mr. Hyde, issue #3. I can't stress enough how good this book is, and how it'd be a great TPB gift for people that don't usually read comics. Cole Haddon's script is neither pretentious nor silly; finding a perfect middle road to tell this tale; while MS Corley's art excels at evoking Victorian times, while being agreeable to modern artistic sensibilities. Buy the collected edition for someone when it comes out; or go buy the four issues online or from your friendly local comic book store. Worst Book of the week was Flashpoint: Project Superman #1. It wasn't inherently bad, just bland and uninteresting. Cover of the week is Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors #11, by Dan Panosian... not a particularly beautiful cover, but definitely one that grabs your attention.

Let's get on with this last column...
<-------------------------------->
"RED THIS COLUMN. OR GREEN IT."

TITLE: The Dissector (Clockwork Chap).

ISSUE: 199.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Sidney noticed that I wrote that I had "red" Action Comics #901. Badge for Sidney... oh, BTW, you can still earn badges come the Dissector's new format, don't fret!

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING."

TITLE: Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors (DC).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Rob Leigh (letterer).

DISSECTION: In addition to a character being called a "dignitary" during the whole issue, at one point the dialogues are overflowing the balloons. That's a very glaring lettering mistake.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?"

TITLE: John Byrne's Next Men (IDW).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: John Byrne (writer).

DISSECTION: Byrne calls one of his characters "Antonio", when her name is "Antonia", being a woman. He also writes "sectretarty" instead of "secretary", and while I don't do typos anymore, these two were pretty glaring.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars each. The book also ends without a "to be continued" notice or anything along those lines, making you wonder if your copy is missing a page.
<-------------------------------->
"FOREIGN NAMES!"

TITLE: Namor: The First Mutant (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Artist Carlos Rodríguez is credited as "Rodrîguez"; a last name that doesn't exist. Paying a little attention to names that are foreign to you is just a matter of respect...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"LOOK MA! BOTH HANDS!"

TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 712.

CULPRIT: Rick Leonardi (penciller).

DISSECTION: For the umpteenth time, a flashback to Superboy's death in Infinite Crisis is shown, and he has both hands.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SNIFFING PIXIE DUST."

TITLE: X-Men: Prelude To Schism (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: Will Conrad (penciller) & Lee Loughridge (colorist).

DISSECTION: Regardless of the fact that Namor is wearing his Speedo costume in one page, and then later his current costume; Pixie appears at the end, but she looks nothing like she should. Different wings, different hair, different costume, etc. She looks more like Wasp from The Ultimates.

I still don't understand what this mini was about, really, since it doesn't seem to have anything to do with Schism...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars all around...
<-------------------------------->
Average was 6.4 Bazzars in nine dissections, pretty normal. Now, the Moments Of The Month! From 06/01, Peter Parker geeks out about something more important than anything that's happened in his superhero career:


That's what I like about Dan Slott, he gives Pete his scientific dues (Fred Van Lente does, too). The following week, but from the Ultimate universe, Aunt May shows she's hardcore:


Sadly, she couldn't save Pete. Over at Superman, this is what I meant earlier about Rick Leonardi's art:


Does he think they're all Bizarros? From 06/15, Iron Man's Fear Itself tie-in arc... watch the bottle. Now you see it...


Now you don't, Tony has it! From 06/22, who's able to deflect any insult?


Bladezz! And with just two words... Rocketeer Adventures not only gave us one of the covers of the week, but this moment:


Simply awesome. And to finish this column, a moment from 06/29's "Mr. Hyde":


Accuracy, people, please. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector Special #10: Autopsy Awards 2010 Winners.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]



You'll forgive me if I'm not too elaborate; but this is long overdue. There weren't many votes, and not many people (except my most loyal readers) cared about the awards, so I kept kicking the date back... but here they are.
<-------------------------------->
Best Writing Dissection:

Fifty percent of the votes went toward this little gem's victory.

W01-"THIS SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT..." (The Dissector #147, 01/29/10)

COMMENT: With all the tools at Fraction's disposition, I was surprised he'd do something this dumb.

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 520.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: We get it, Wolverine has amazingly keen senses... but I will not accept that he can track a prey by smell from the top of a building in NEW YORK CITY, A 468.9 SQUARE MILES, 1,214.4 SQUARE KILOMETERS, 8,363,710 CITY INHABITANTS, AND 19,006,798 METRO AREA POPULATION CITY!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Not only does he track his prey (a Predator X) to a SEWER, but he knows that Fantomex (who carries no scent) is there because he smelled, and I quote, "a you-shaped hole in the smell of this dump". Fraction, Logan has a very acute sense of smell, not an echolocation device in his nostrils.
<-------------------------------->
Best Art Dissection:

This blog's readers don't condone laziness, at least, 77% of them don't.

A02-"FACE IS NOT IN MURDOCK'S BOOK.." (The Dissector #161, 05/08/10)

COMMENT: Simplification is one thing; plain old laziness is another.

TITLE: A-Team: War Stories: Murdock (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Guiu Vilanova (penciller).

DISSECTION: Artists, and particularly IDW artists, are known to not draw faces on background characters. While it's a practice I don't consider correct, it's understandable. Some IDW artists, however, most specifically, the ones in most of their Star Trek books, have done it to characters that, while not important to the scene, are not in the background. This time, however, Vilanova has taken it too far:


Come on! This is outrageous! Those are the ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL!!! ONE OF THEM IS THE STAR OF THE BOOK, AND THE OTHER ONE IS TALKING!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY MOTHERFUCKER!??!!?!?!?!?!?!? Not happy with that, he does it twice more, once again to Murdock, star of the book, WHILE HE'S TALKING AND IS ONE OF THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS IN THE PANEL, AND THEN AGAIN... but in that panel Murdock is not talking, at least.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Coloring Dissection:

Reading the script is apparently a requirement...

C03-"THE GRAY HOOD." (The Dissector #181, 10/14/10)

COMMENT: This was just baffling.

TITLE: Red Hood: The Lost Days (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Jason Todd is trying to find a girl in a car that's, unwittingly, carrying a bomb. Over the phone, he asks her what kind of car she's in, and she says the car is red. But the colorist made the car gray or black...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Lettering Dissection:

My readership is loyal, and is bothered by the same things I am.

L03-"HÉRR." (The Dissector #185, 11/19/10)

COMMENT: Two of my pet peeves (well, the same one twice, basically), mixed together.

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 647.

CULPRIT: Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Joe's one of my favorite letterers, and that makes this dissection worse... he letter's what's supposed to be the word "Señor" as "Senõr". Not only that, he makes the "o" smaller because of the tilde. *sigh*

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzar's for fucking up the word, 7 for the smaller letter.
<-------------------------------->
Best Other Dissection:

This one was weird enough to not be ignored.

O04-"FIRST ISSUE EVER... AGAIN!" (The Dissector #187, 11/23/10)

COMMENT: There's hype, and then there's lying and being ridiculous.

TITLE: Spider-Girl V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Stephen Wacker (senior editor), Nate Cosby (editor), Tom Brennan (associate editor), and Mike Horwitz (assistant editor).

DISSECTION: Cover for this first issue says it's the "most synapse-shattering super hero debut of the decade". Really? Can someone explain to me how that's possible? Araña has been around since 2004; and she changed costume and name months ago, jumping around other books with it since then... This is not a debut in any way... at least not a "super hero debut". It might be a "solo series debut" (which would be partially correct), but not what they say...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Now, the positive awards on which you could vote:
<-------------------------------->
Best Quote:

This category was a tie; so I had to choose between the winner and another one. The winner was, ultimately, the one that worked well without knowing who said it (even if we do know) of the two.

Q03-"This station will be ground up with your bones into the finest powder which we will snort in our victory orgy." Drenx commander, S.W.O.R.D. #5. (The Dissector #154, 03/19/10)
<-------------------------------->
Best Moment:

Not my choice; but it was one of the "he had it coming" moments of the year.

M03-From Siege #4: It's over, Norman. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

<-------------------------------->
Best Cover:

I don't think this was even a contest, I just had to put a few covers around it to give options.

T02-From The Amazing Spider-Man V1 #625. The Gauntlet could get a bit repetitive, but the Rhino storyline was definitely compelling. Cover by Marko Djurdjevic. (The Dissector #155, 03/26/10)

<-------------------------------->
Best Fight:

Yeah, this was pretty badass.

F03-Don't mess with John Walker (the former U.S.Agent), even when he's missing limbs! From Thunderbolts #147 (The Dissector #175, 09/07/10)


Now it's time for those awards that are given just for sheer dissection quantities:
<-------------------------------->
Company With Most Dissections: Marvel wins again; but unlike last year, when the difference was only 24 dissections, in this case it's almost ten times that; 232. Marvel had 1110 dissections, and DC 878.
<-------------------------------->
Company With Most Dissections Per Titles Ratio: DC wins this year, with a ratio of 6.2 from 878 dissections in 103 different titles I dissected during 2010; against Dynamite's 7.7 ratio (116 dissections in 15 titles), and Marvel's ratio of 6.2 (1110 dissections in 178 titles). I read more Dynamite books this year, it seems, than last year.
<-------------------------------->
Book With Most Dissections: Zorro doesn't win this year, even with 57 dissections, because there's another title with 63 dissections of its own... The Dissector. However, two things disqualify this column:

1) First, it's not a comic. I only review my own dissections because fair is fair.

2) X-Men Forever V2 (50 dissections), and X-Men Forever 2 (26 dissections) are basically the same book. They share the same characters, the same storyline; Chris Claremont writes both, and Tom Grummett is the main penciller in the first book and one of the most important two in the second one; plus, they share other creators (like letterer Tom Orzechowski). Combined, these two books get 76 dissections, and win this award.
<-------------------------------->
Book Family With Most Dissections: The X-Men family, with 369 dissections. Well behind are the Batman books with 206, and the Green Lantern books with 131. It's interesting to see how GL, with only three monthly books gets that third spot. No surprise to see the X-Men family get the first spot, since it's probably the most prolific family; although Batman is close, and I don't read all Bat books all the time... but then again, I don't read the half-dozen Wolverine books either.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Writer: I got most dissections this year, with 59; but for the same reasons as above, the award goes to Chris Claremont's 52 dissections. Far behind, Matt Fraction and Matt Wagner share a spot with 39 each.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Artist: Mark Bagley and Freddie Williams II share first spot with 21, Ivan Reis gets second spot with 16, and 15 dissections each gets Ardian Syaf and Mike Mayhew a shared third spot.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Colorist: Hi-Fi takes top spot with 44 dissections, but I suspect they're actually a team and not one person. Dissector old friend Jeromy Cox (48 dissections) is second place, and Peter Pantazis gets third with 22 dissections.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Letterer: Simon Bowland is only third place with 43 dissections, workhorse Joe Caramagna (for sheer volume of work, not for dissection ratio) gets second spot with 45, and this category's winner is another workhorse, Dave Lanphear, with 69 dissections.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected "Other": The Marvel Handbooks are even more riddled with mistakes than before, giving their head writer/coordinator Michael Hoskin a first place with 32 dissections. Stephen Wacker is far, far behind in his second place (9 dissections), and Tom Brennan and Jeff Christiansen share a third spot with 8 dissections each.
<-------------------------------->
Single Issue With Most Dissections: Fantastic Four In... Ataque Del M.O.D.O.K.! (Marvel); a one-shot with forty-six dissections; forty-three of them being smaller accented letters or Ñs (something I no longer report in the column, but I did report it last year, so...). This issue was responsible for 62% of the dissections that gave Dave Lanphear the top spot in the Letterer category.
<-------------------------------->
And now, special awards given because... well, because I damn pleased, and because of certain merits or lack thereof.
<-------------------------------->
Cyclone Fashion Award To The Most Mutable Costume: Dick Grayson's Batman costume. Frank Quitely (I think) designed it, but almost nobody else could keep it straight; even changing the shape of his chest emblem between pages.
<-------------------------------->
Most Puzzling Mistake: Last year, Marvel started using a new font (here's an example) for credits, "next issue" blurbs and so on; in some of their books.

Most comic book fonts are all capital letters; and some feature two all-caps versions with slight differences, depending on whether you type lower case or capital text. This particular font has a difference in the "A" (though I don't know if it comes from caps/not caps); as you can see in the image linked above. Some "A"s have a small addendum on their upper left corner; something that would be pretty stupid in languages that use accented letters, but well, not in English.

However, Marvel could never decide when to use this modified "A". Was it for the larger letters in the last names? Well, no, as you can see in the first line of last names with Gage and Buchman, one with, and the other without. Was it only for the smaller letters in first names? No, as you can see in "Dan" (with) Buckley and "Rachel" (without) Pinnelas.

Sometimes they were used for the first letter of names beginning in A; sometimes they were used in all "A"s in the page; sometimes for none except one, etc... In one "also on sale this month" page "Secret Avengers" would have the special A, but Avengers Academy (in the same font, size, and usage) would not; then in another comic "Avengers Academy" in the same font, size and usage in a "also on sale" page would get the special "A" for both words. And so on. In any combination you can imagine.

From the examples I had saved to write this column, and from what I can see from a quick search, it looks it was something used exclusively for the Avengers line; except for a couple of exceptions (that I could find, Young Allies and Captain America: Forever Allies). Also, it seems to be something done by Virtual Calligraphy letterers. Then again, those are only the books I took note of because the lettering was inconsistent... sometimes, by sheer coincidence, they were consistent (using all special "A"s, or only for last names, etc).

Obviously, this is not something horrible; and it's not even something I will keep reporting, as previously mentioned. But it was, without a doubt, baffling. And it will continue to baffle me, both as a reader, and as a (new, very green) letterer.
<-------------------------------->
The You Make Doc Brown Cry Timeline Fuck-Up Award: DC Universe Legacies (DC) uses the age-old plot device of showing the history of the fictional universe through the eyes of a common citizen... but fails miserably. I've said it every time the book came out; because every time they made it worse: the book's main character starts out as a young boy in the late 30s or early 40s and is swayed away from a life of crime after being impressed by the JSA in their first appearances; but then, as the book progresses, he's shown as a young, fit policeman when Superman first appears, when Doomsday kills Superman, etc.
<-------------------------------->
Coal-Fueled Diesel Trainwreck Issue Award: An award reserved for an issue that was really, really bad; this time around it doesn't go to a comic book, but to a handbook; Heroic Age: Heroes (Marvel). Apart from the usual load of mistakes (spelling mistakes, continuity errors, etc); in this case, what gets this issue the award is the fact that it fails at the very purpose of a handbook.

For some reason, perhaps due to being written in-universe by Steve Rogers, the usual Marvel Handbook power meters are not used. Instead, a power grid consisting of the following attributes is used: power, conscience, altruism, wisdom, courage, determination, free will, and vulnerability (in a scale from 1 to 10). Apparently, Hoskin and his writers have no idea what many of these words mean; look at how some characters are measured according to those attributes:

• Beast has an altruism of 9, while Angel, Reed Richards, Mockingbird, NAMORA, COLLECTIVE MAN, RADIOACTIVE MAN, Thor, Longshot, and JIMMY WOO have 10??!?!?!?!?!?
  
  
• Wolverine has a 5 altruism? Toro (the new bull-mutated kid, not the WWII Kid Torch) has a 7?
  
  
• Paladin (a mercenary) has an altruism of 7, same as Northstar, and more than Moon Knight? And Elixir, a healer gets 5?
  
  
• A-Bomb has a power of 8, while Angel has a 7, and American Eagle an 8. In what world are those characters of comparable power?
  

Vulnerability seems to be a mixture of physical and mental/emotional vulnerability, and even if you mix up the words "vulnerability" "invulnerability", switching the ends of the spectrum, it's still very fucked up:

• A-Bomb and American Eagle have the same rating, 8; and Angel a 6... making Angel less vulnerable than those two? Or only two points more vulnerable?
  
  
• Asgardians as a race have a vulnerability of 6. The same as Angel and Luke Cage.
  
  
• Captain Britain has a vulnerability of 2... if it's a physical attribute, he's not that resistant, if it's a mental/emotional attribute, his insecurities are not reflected.
  
  
• Despite his looks, the Thing is one of the most mentally stable characters in the whole Marvel universe, not to mention one of the most powerful, physically speaking. Then why does he get a vulnerability rating of 6?
  
  
• Darwin, one of the most unbalancedly powerful characters in the X-teams, has a vulnerability of 5, when he's basically indestructible?
  

This is delicate... Normally, a detail like this wouldn't score too high; but because this is a handbook, the attributes in the power grid are a basic part of the book. Furthermore, it's done by Steve Rogers, who's one of the better judges of character and tactical minds in the Marvel universe, so these fucked up ratings make him look like an idiot.

Something like this garners the handbook team the "Golden Bonesaw Award" for catastrophic underachievement.
<-------------------------------->
Best Book Of The Year: Captain America: Patriot (Marvel). Yes, a miniseries; but it got best book of the week each time it came out, and in fact, since this year the best book of the week really varied from week to week, it ended up being the only book with more than three "best book of the week" notches. To quote myself when I chose the first issue as best book of its week: "Karl Kesel is a veteran character writer, and he gets the 40s dialogue and feel perfectly. For a book with a lot of narration (in the form of newspaper articles), it reads easily. Artist Mitch Breitweiser, with colorist and wife Bettie Breitweiser, draw a story that's both modern and WWII... like a (good) propaganda poster come to life."

Maybe I enjoyed other books more over the course of the year; since they were ongoings; or had characters (like Spidey, Green Lantern or the Legion) that I enjoy more; and this book was going to get (regardless of the "best book" count) "best miniseries"... but I have to concede it gets top spot for 2010.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Book Of The Year: JSA All-Stars almost made it because of the horrible art; having been worst book of the week four times; but in the end Teen Titans had that spot six times in the year... half the times it came out (and I'm not counting specials like Teen Titans: Cold Case). No fixed creative time, writers that didn't seem to get the characters, and artists who just didn't cut it. Some samples of what I said about the book when I picked it as worst book of the week:

"(...) boring story, confusing dialogue, plain art. That simple."

"(...) the Dakota plot was weak, and Holocaust was insanely powerful (even with a power-up), taking on Superboy, Miss Martian, Kid Flash and Wonder Girl head-to-head... plus, I hate this new trend of allowing Beast Boy to shapeshift into alien or mythological animals..."

"(...) The art is not as bad as it's been before, but it still shows at certain points where Luís didn't put any effort into faces, and writer Felicia D. Henderson... should stay away from the Titans... cheesy dialogues, weird plot twists, characters behaving like jerks, and harebrained power-effects make for a bad comic."
<-------------------------------->
Creator That I'm Sorry I Have To Dissect Award: Fred Van Lente. I love his writing, and when I find errors in it, I hate to point them out.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Character Depiction Although You Obviously Have Talent Award: In Uncanny X-Men #527 Whilce Portacio and Leonard Kirk make Emma Frost seem like a crack whore, and Colossus like a mentally deficient jock. I was shocked.
<-------------------------------->
Breakout Book Of The Year: The Sixth Gun (Oni Press). Great read; without being really groundbreaking, but it stands out as a new book of the year to pay attention to. Excellent for anyone who likes westerns with a touch of supernatural, and quite possibly a good read for those who don't usually read comics.
<-------------------------------->
Bloody Stumps With Blunt Crayolas Award: With a single bound, Leandro Oliveira lands a Superman issue, with art that looks like this:


Yes, Rod Reis's unusually bad coloring helps, but look at those characters... man...
<-------------------------------->
Best Character Of The Year: Once more, the single best written, more entertaining character is Spider-Man. Both by the Spider-Brain Trust or now in solitary by Dan Slott (although he makes appearances in Avenger and FF books), the character grows and evolves at the same time it's still portrayed according to his essence, to his basic characterization.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Character Of The Year: Red Robin. Come on, I understand the need to get Tim Drake a niche of his own, but Jr. Batman isn't really the way to go!
<-------------------------------->
Best Event Of The Year: Superman: Last Stand of New Krypton. Pretty much self-contained, and action packed, despite some slight mistakes and the occasional weak art.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Event Of The Year: The Return Of Bruce Wayne (as "The Insider"). The whole miniseries by Morrison was boring, but the whole plot point as "The Insider" was even wrose.

YOU'RE WEARING A YELLOW UTILITY BELT! YOU HAVE A SUIT THAT GIVES YOU THE POWERS OF CLASSIC JUSTICE LEAGUE MEMBERS! YOUR GLOVES HAVE BATMAN SPIKES!!! AND SHE'S THE FOREMOST EXPERT IN INFORMATION IN THE SUPERHERO COMMUNITY!!! STOP TREATING THIS INSIDER SHIT AS MYSTERIOUS, IT'S OBVIOUS TO ALL HIS FUCKING ALLIES (AND ANYONE WHO CAN ADD 2+2) THAT THAT'S BATMAN!!!!!
<-------------------------------->
Best Publisher Of The Year: Personally, I liked a lot of the stuff DC put out this year, but they also had a lot of weak moves (see above, for example). Marvel, all in all, offered a great all-around spread of books with in every family of books (X-Men, Avengers, street heroes, etc).
<-------------------------------->
Worst Publisher Of The Year: Dynamite Comics, again, because they keep publishing books with gross Spanish mistake, and it's obvious they don't care, despite publishing a lot of good stuff.
<-------------------------------->
Funniest Book Of The Year: Atomic Robo (Red 5 Comics); in any of its permutations, always fun and funny.
<-------------------------------->
Best Creator Of The Year: Shared by Paul Levitz and Yildiray Cinar, for bringing back the Legion in style. I'm sad Cinar gradually did less and less of the LSH art, and that he won't be working on the team anymore. He was made for the book, and what can I say about Levitz? He still has it.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Creator Of The Year: I only read one book with art by him, and Leandro Oliveira (who did this) gets this award. Yes, a lot of other creators fucked up, but at least they do it in the process of delivering otherwise good stuff. Even Simon Spurrier... wait, I was going to excuse Simon, but he wrote an X-book where Dr. Nemesis said "Science-Gaze sees all, brainfail! There WILL be crotch-punching!", so... they share.
<-------------------------------->
Dumbest Plot Move: Bruce Wayne reveals he's behind Batman, and has been for years.

Batman, Inc. is a good concept, but I believe it's stupid for Bruce Wayne to reveal he's behind Batman, particularly when he a) still runs around inside a Batman costume, b) his three closest costumed associates are his children (two adoptive and one biological), c) those three sons are the exact heights and builds as the other Batman, Red Robin, and Robin and he paraded them in front of the press even if Damian hadn't been introduced to the public, and d) half of Gotham's population might suspect him of being Batman anyway. Add on top of that the fact that he's going around the world fronting Batman, Inc. and dealing with foreign governments and police departments, behaving in ways that completely throw overboard his playboy persona, and it's like he doesn't care if his cover is blown... Wait, maybe he just gave up on hiding it altogether! Of course, he has protection, so do his friends and associates... man, what a great moment to be a random employee of Wayne Enterprises!!!
<-------------------------------->
Most Baffling Dyslexia: Dear comic book writers, "physiognomy" does not mean the same as "physiology" or "anatomy". In case you're too lazy to click on links or crack open a fucking dictionary, here are the definitions of "physiognomy":

1. the face or countenance, esp. when considered as an index to the character: a fierce physiognomy.
2. Also called anthroposcopy. the art of determining character or personal characteristics from the form or features of the body, esp. of the face.
3. the outward appearance of anything, taken as offering some insight into its character: the physiognomy of a nation.

It is not, I repeat, NOT, a word that you can use to refer to mutant physiology/anatomy (like I dissected before on an X-Men book), nor a word you can use to refer to the digitized information of a person's body for teleportation... WORDS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!! THEY LIVE INSIDE DICTIONARIES!!! AND NOW, THEY'RE EVEN INSIDE THE INTERNET!!!!
<-------------------------------->
That's it for this year; I'll be on the outlook for more nominees, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #197.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

03-02 "Will he live and junk?" King Shark, worried about one of his teammates' health, Secret Six V3 #31.

03-09 "Just one person to call you their peer is enough of a verdict, if it's the right person." Hawkeye, after being complimented by Captain America, Hawkeye: Blindspot #2.

03-16 "We need liquor, drugs, a yard of sheet latex, and a case each of penicillin and lube. Give me three minutes." Wendell's preparations for a trip to Las Vegas, Bad Dog #4.

03-23 "Dear God... or other similar Judeo-Christian messianic figure... or the Ancient Ones... or some weird evolutionary something-or-other... or some random confluence of events that resulted in the perfect conditions for life to flourish on this once-barren, desolate hunk of rock... we thank you for... Oh, right... or Mephisto, the Devil, or some other evil incarnate being... we thank you for this wonderful dinner. " Alex Power's eclectic grace at a Future Foundation dinner, FF #1.

03-30 "... beware MY freakin' power--GUY GARDNER'S MIGHT!" Guy Gardner, Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors #8.

Long I have been gone, but here I am again. The same way DC is doing some spring cleaning, so am I (even though it's almost winter where I live). There will be some changes, some streamlining in this column, and you can read about them here. Bottom line? Well, I won't sweat it over accented letters, eye colors, or minor/routine mistakes. And trust me, I saw a few wrong eye colors in the comics I read yesterday and today, and it's hard not to make a note of it as I used to do for the column. And I deleted all the stuff in my notes for future columns that would usually go in The Rundown. It's hard, but I have to take steps to make sure this column is leaner, more dynamic, and most important of all, not behind schedule. That's why this is a column for the whole month of March, and there will be subsequent columns for April and May, and whatever else I need to do to get back on a semi-weekly schedule.

With all that out of the way, last column's (months ago) DT! was cracked by... nobody. Darryn noticed that the Starro on Rughal is on his coat, and not his actual neck, and that'd be something worth noting (and he gets badge)... but that wasn't it. The problem is that they are referring to "telemetry", when it's just a picture or video feed. They wanted to use a fancy word. Let's get on with The Dissector's Picks for each week. Week of 03/02 has X-Factor #216 as Best Book, as usual, it is a great job by Peter David, Emanuela Lupacchino, and the rest of the team, and its cover by David Yardin and Sonia Oback is the cover for that week. Worst Book was for Batman Confidential #54. Boring storyline, poorly told.

Cover of the Week for 03/09 is Joe Jusko's beautiful piece for Warlord Of Mars: Dejah Thoris #1. Sure, other (this book has like six variant covers per issue) may draw a curvier, juicier Dejah Thoris, but Jusko's just screams "Edgar Rice Burroughs' book cover". Best Book for that week is the Legion of Super-Villains one-shot by Paul Levitz and Francis Portela, just great LSH... well, LSV fun. Worst Book that week is JSA All-Stars #16. Poor plot, blocky art... why am I reading this? Best Book Of The Week for 03/16 is The Amazing Spider-Man #656; as Dan Slott shows over and over why he gets Spider-Man so much; his personality, motivation, and modus operandi. This is Spider-Man beating villains with his mind and not just his powers, and Marcos Martin's Silver Age-feeling art style is a cherry on top. Worst Book this week is T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #5. This book is going nowhere, and this was the last issue I read, I believe. A pity, because other things I've read by Nick Spencer was good, and while Cafu's art is not my particular choice, it's solid. The Cover for this week is Alex Ross's cover for The Lone Ranger & Zorro: The Death of Zorro #1. Just works as a movie poster of sorts.

Cover Of The Week for 03/23 is from Captain America Comics #1: 70th Anniversary Special, a recreation by Brian Ching and Michael Atiyeh of the classic 1941 cover of Cap's first appearance. Best Book for this week is Osborn #4; Kelly Sue DeConnick's tale of Osborn's ploys is entrancing, and more so with Emma Ríos' beautifully crafted art, not to mention Jose Villarrubia's colors. Worst Book of the week is Batman, Incorporated #4... Morrison's assassination of the Spanish language and Latin cliches is made even worse by his insistence on Silver Age and Golden Age stuff that makes Batman sillier than it should be, such as Batman dancing "EL TANGO DEL MUERTE" with Bat-Woman (Kathy Kane) on a rooftop. I like Silver/Golden Age references, and Silver or Golden Age-influenced art... but continuously bringing back stuff that should have stayed there is not good for books like this one. Best Book Of The Week for 03/30 is Star Wars: Legacy - War #4. As rushed as this conclusion to the Legacy series feels, John Ostrander and Jan Duursema tell a fun, dynamic Star Wars tale. Worst Book Of The Week is Avengers #11. Bendis milks a tired story for a couple of issues too long, and Romita's art is a poor ghost of what the man can actually accomplish. Seriously, it's BAD. Cover for this week is Steve Epting's variant for Captain America #616. This is a good example of retro.

Here's The Rundown, for the last time, and only because I had already finished it when I decided the column's new format:

Adventure Comics V1 (Bouncing Boy's hair should be black, and his eyes blue), Age Of X: Universe (accented letter), The Amazing Spider-Man (JJJ's eyes should be blue), Avengers: The Children's Crusade - Young Avengers (Hulkling's hair is colored incorrectly), The Avengers V4 (inconsistent credit lettering, Dr. Strange looks like Tony Stark, Loki is not Thor's half-brother), Avengers Academy (Hazmat's eye colors change colors, accented letter), Batman: Streets Of Gotham (Batman's belt is wrong, Jay Garrick looks old when the JSA is supposed to be a new team, and the timeline still doesn't jive; there's no way the JSA could have started when Bruce Wayne's parents were young), Batman: The Dark Knight (Penguin looks wrong), Batman Confidential (a quotation mark in the wrong place), Batman, Inc. (the Malvinas/Falklands coordinates are missing a part, and they're too down south; the map doesn't look right, horrible Spanish galore), Birds Of Prey V3 (Dove's powers are incomplete, a bat-family line-up has everyone labeled, but not Batgirl, Dick's bat-emblem is wrong), Black Panther: The Man Without Fear (accented letters), Brightest Day (Ray Palmer's eyes are colored incorrectly, Ronnie Raymond's hair is colored incorrectly, and he also refers to a "battlezone" as a "battleship"), Captain America: Hail Hydra (Wakanda looks nothing like it should, accented letter not only is smaller, but the accent is the wrong type), Captain America And Batroc (French inside translation brackets, Bucky-Cap's gun and boots are wrong), Captain America And The Falcon (Bucky-Cap's gun is wrong, and the gang the guy Falcon is look for changes name after a few pages), Comic Book Comics (couple of misspelled words), Cyclops V2 (wrong costume, cedille), Doom Patrol V5 (Rita's eyes should be brown, not green), Fear Itself: Book Of The Skull (using a teleporter to avoid a boobytrap which wasn't really one, Bucky and Namor get their eyes colored wrong, Namor's ankle wings are drawn gigantic), Generation Hope (Xavier and Logan get their eyes colored incorrectly), Giant-Size Atom (Atom's eyes are wrongly colored), Green Lantern V4 (badges, a female guardian when Krona is expelled), Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors (badges), Green Lantern Corps (badges and costumes), Heroes For Hire V3 (Misty Knight shouldn't have blue eyes), The Intrepids (misspelled word), The Invincible Iron Man V2 (accented letter, Tony Stark referred to as "Matt" (Fraction) in letters page), Justice League: Generation Lost (Batman's belt is wrong, a bystander changes appearance between pages), The Lone Ranger & Zorro: The Death Of Zorro (accented letter), The New Avengers V2 (Sabretooth, Namora, and Nick Fury get wrong eye color, inconsistent credit lettering, and the "previously" mentions H.A.M.M.E.R. as still operating, although illegal, when it's just former members of it), New Mutants V3 (accented letters, Psylocke wrong eye color), Onslaught Unleashed (horrible Spanish and accented letters), Osborn (Osborn eye color), Power Girl V2 (word missing in letters page), Power Man And Iron Fist ("dell'morte"), Red Robin (accented letters and Ñ), Supergirl V5 (character heights), Superman/Batman (Batman has claws in his gloves?), Superman V1 (a comma inside quotation marks), The Traveler (accented letters), Thunderbolts (Doc Strange's moustache is wrong), Ultimate Avengers Vs. Ultimates (wrong Spanish and accented letters), Uncanny X-Men (Namor has huge ankle wings, Colossus has some strange markings on his steel skin, Namor's eyes should be grey, not blue), Warlord Of Mars (the writer keeps calling Captain John Carter "Jack", not only as a nickname, but as his full name), X-Factor V3 (JJJ moustache is wrong, Wolfsbane eyes change color, accented letter), X-Men V3 (Emma Frost is obviously "diamonded up", but reverts to normal color for a panel), X-Men Legacy (accented letters).

<-------------------------------->
"VIVE LA RESISTANCE!"

TITLE: Captain America And The First Thirteen (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot/

CULPRIT: Ramon Perez (penciller).

DISSECTION: Why the flying fuck are resistance fighters in Nazi-occupied France during WWII WEARING MILITARY UNIFORMS? No, they're not wearing Nazi uniforms to blend in, but what seem to be military uniforms of their own, while they sneak around spying on Nazis. Not even combat fatigues, but battle dress uniforms suitable to support troops in administrative duties, coomplete with nice green sweaters AND NEAT LITTLE NECKTIES!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Stealthy, yeah. Ever heard of a guerrilla movement, Mr. Perez?
<-------------------------------->
"LEGACY OF TIME/"

TITLE: DC Universe Legacies (DC).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Len Wein (writer), Scot Kolins (artist).

DISSECTION: This book has got to be the continuity fuck-up of recent times. The character who tells the story was a kid in the 30s when JSA members first start appearing, then is a young police detective when Superman first appears, and during Infinite Crisis he barely looks fifty (and a good, very handsome and young-looking fifty); while his brother-in-law and childhood friend looks like a 20-year old. In fact, if you didn't know who he is, you'd think his friend is Jimmy Olsen.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MINOR STUFF."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 196.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Captain Donald313 of the HDSC let me know I wrote "an character" instead of "a character". Yes, I will continue to feature my own minor errors as a matter of intellectual honesty.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"NO DISSECTION SHALL ESCAPE OUR SIGHT!"

TITLE: Green Lantern V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 64.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: The DT! for this column:

Hint: you must be following current Green Lantern books in order to get this... but you might get it by accident if you haven't read GL in ages.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. It might be explained away, but I still kept it.
<-------------------------------->
"SUPERBOY TWO-IN-ONE."

TITLE: Superboy V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Jeff Lemire (writer).

DISSECTION: In a single page, Lemire manages to have Superboy call Beast Boy "Garth" (Aqualad/Tempest's name) instead of "Gar" (as Beast Boy's name is Garfield), and Pete Ross mention "Steve Danton" instead of "Steve Dayton".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars for Garth/Gar, and 4 for Danton/Dayton.
<-------------------------------->
"STARK LIES."

TITLE: Venom V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Rick Remender (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm enjoying this book, but Remender needs a refresher on Marvel Universe tenets: there's no way UN peacekeeping troops will have Stark power armor, not after all the efforts Tony made to get all his armor tech out of other hands.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
And that, more or less, is what future columns will look like. I'm not even going to pad out columns with stuff from The Vault, except for very special situations; such as when I don't find a good DT!, or there's absolutely nothing really worth mentioning. In fact, I'm going to the vault after I finish this column to delete everything that's an accent, eye color, or other stuff that no longer passes muster for columns. This column's average was 6.3 Bazzars in one hundred and thirty-six dissections. Last time you'll see that amount of dissections.

Now, let's get with each week's Moments, shall we? Only one for 03/02, and it's Quackerjack at his most human, err, duck:

Sad ending. Then, from 03/09, we've got two. First, Alan Moore's childhood:

Hehe... Van Lente and Dunlavey crack me up. And what's the smart thing for Captain Action to do when he's recovered a magical orb from some Nazis, and he's confronted by the Yeti?

Why, have the Yeti swallow the magical orb! GREAT IDEA!!! Next up, from 03/16, three Moments. When you're a werewolf, you have to be badass:

... or at least look like it for a few moments. Now, again from Darkwing Duck, I need this:

... and not just because it's a jetpack. Remember what I was saying at the start of the column about Dan Slott making Spidey act smart? Well:

That's what I like! Now, one from 03/23, Brainiac 5 shows his love for his fellow Legionnaires:

In his own way, of course. And to end this column, two from 03/30. First, Alan's Scott costume was kind of outdated, so he came up with a new one:

IT'S HORRIBLE!!! HE'S WEARING A FREAKING LANTERN COSTUME!!! LITERALLY!!! THE HANDLE STICKS OUT FROM BEHIND HIS HEAD!!! Good lord. And now an emotional moment from Amazing Spider-Man:

My eyes welled-up. Oh, yeah... while I play catch-up, you can still vote on the Autopsy Awards.

That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

While I prepare the column with the last three weeks of February (yes, I'm AWFULLY late, I know), here's The Rundown for those weeks: Abyss: Family Issues (accented letter), Adventure Comics V1 (Night Girl's hair should be black, not brown), The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (ñ, a loose quotation mark), Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis (Beast looks wrong, Storm's eyes are not white when she's not using her powers, Jaspers is no "boy" or "adolescent"), Astonishing X-Men V2 ("past" ancestors... how do you get "future ancestors"? Well, this IS Marvel...), The Avengers V4 (inconsistent credit and upcoming features lettering), B.P.R.D. Hell On Earth: Gods (internal issue numbering), Batman (Enigma's eyes and Riddler's hair are colored incorrectly), Birds Of Prey V3 (Dove's agility is not mentioned in her powers), Booster Gold V2 (Rip Hunter's eyes and hair are wrong), Brightest Day (Aqualad shouldn't have calf fins), Captain America V2 (Black Widow's eyes should be green), DC Universe: Legacies (the effin' timeline; Spark gets called "Spark" and then "Sparks", Hal's badge is wrong, and his boots are white on another page), Doom Patrol V5 (Rita's eyes are colored incorrectly, two different word balloons point to wrong characters, Scandal's eye are also miscolored), Fantastic Four V1 (Danielle Cage should not look like she's three months old), Generation Hope (Shadowcat's eyes shouldn't be blue, Gabriel's eyes are brown first, then blue), Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors (badges), Green Lantern Corps V2 (Ganthet has blank eyes at one point... for no reason), Heroes For Hire V3 (Baby Cage again, "personalitied" is not a real word), Iron Siege (if you use translation brackets, don't leave untranslated words inside... and a Sergeant would never be the "CO" of a military unit... in charge, yes, but never "CO", and the unit is too small to be just the "101st Airborne"), Justice League: Generation Lost (Guy Gardner's eyes are wrong), Justice League Of America V2 ("Los Grandes Nombres" is not the right translation for "The Big Names"), Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (Dawnstar's skin, eyes and powers), Namor: The First Mutant (Doom's eyes are colored wrong, so are Namor's, some Atlanteans have red eyes for no reason, and the logomancer is still Caucasian, with no explanation), The New Avengers V2 (Wanda's eyes should be blue, inconsistent credit lettering), Onslaught Unleashed (Beast looks wrong, accented letter), Outsiders V3 (Grace and Geo-Force have the wrong eye colors), Power Man And Iron Fist (numerous language errors, both in writing and lettering, an incorrect description of Power Man's power), Red Robin (accented letters), Spider-Girl V2 (Anya's skin should not be dark), Star Wars: Legacy - War (an incorrectly italicized word, an incorrectly spelled word in Huttese), T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents (two accents that are almost horizontal lines), Teen Titans V3 (a misplaced question mark), Ultimate Spider-Man (Cairo looks nothing like it does here, Tony Stark's eyes are colored incorrectly), Uncanny X-Force (Wolverine's eyes should be blue), Uncanny X-Men (accented letter), The Unwritten (accented letters), Warlord Of Mars (it's either "Uncle Jack" or "Captain John", not "Captain Jack", and "the" is spelled "they" in a text), Widowmaker (wrong eye color for the former Red Guardian, and the first issue of Blind Spot is announced for the wrong date), X-Factor V3 (Layla and Madrox's eyes are colored incorrectly, and Layla calls Madrox her "fiancée" at one point, accented letter), X-Men: To Serve And Protect (accented letter), X-Men Legacy (accented letters).

The Dissector #195.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"AAAH! I'M BEING FELT UP BY A PERVERT FROM BEYOND SPACE AND TIME!!" Spider-Man, The Amazing Spider-Man #653.

Here we are with a very short column for the week of 02/02, and only a few days late! Last week's DT! was cracked by JohnnyDoe who noticed that if Steel is talking about the four Super-shield wielding characters from "Reign Of The Supermen", one can't say that the Cyborg Superman (Hank Henshaw) signed up for "fighting the good fight". Quite the opposite, really. Badge for you, JD.

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are these: Best Book Of The Week was Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 Annual #1... classic Legion fun with Paul Levitz writing, and Keith Giffen dipping in the Kirby-inkwell. A must for any Legion fans. Worst Book Of The Week was, as it was once last month, Batman Confidential, this time issue #53. Boring, slow, yawn. Cover Of The Week, there wasn't anything that stood out much, but this cover for Freedom Fighters #6, by Dave Johnson, was pretty nice, and slightly Sterankoesque.

By the way, the three things I had to say last week still stand, so I'll just quote myself:

First, that I built a Facebook fan page for the column... Here it is. Please go click "like"; and promote it. Second, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU HAVEN'T VOTED IN THE 2010 AUTOPSY AWARDS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Seriously, go check out the nominations and vote. If you already voted, please disregard this outburst. Also, while you're at it, there's a design-your-own-superhero contest at Talenthouse, sponsored by The Stan Lee Foundation... would you mind going to this page and click on the right to vote with your Facebook account? Thanks!

The Rundown: Batman Confidential (Hal's badge), JSA All-Stars ("acult" instead of "a cult"), Secret Six V3 (Rita Farr's eyes, and "American's sweetheart"), Time Masters: Vanishing Point (Hal's badge, Rip Hunter's eyes and hair). Yeah, short like that.
<-------------------------------->
"THE CAGE."

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 653.

CULPRIT: Stefano Caselli (penciller).

DISSECTION: For some reason, both on the cover and inside, Luke Cage has blank eyes. Why? Isn't it enough to look at one reference image of the character and see he has normal looking eyes? That besides bullets bouncing off his skin and him lifting trucks there are no visible manifestation of his powers? I understand giving Magneto or the Molecule Man blank eyes when they're using their powers at a high level (even if it's not standard design for them, as it is with Storm), but Luke Cage? You're working on pre-existing characters, shared creations, being a good artist is not enough, you have to respect character designs.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Jessica Jones' eyes are colored wrong, and Squirrel Girl is missing the markings around her eyes.
<-------------------------------->
"DOCTOR'S ORDERS."

TITLE: Doctor Who Classics: The Seventh Doctor (IDW).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: John Ridgway (penciller).

DISSECTION: This one is for Whovians, but anyone who's seen a bit of the show should be able to notice it.


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"PEAK PERFORMANCE."

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (DC).

ISSUE: Annual 01.

CULPRIT: Paul Levitz (writer).

DISSECTION: Cosmic Boy wonders if any of the Legion's fast responders are able to get to Orando (a planet reportedly far away from Earth and from regular space routes) for an emergency, and mentions Wildfire and Dawnstar... now, they can travel through space, but they've never exhibited super-speed. In fact, not even characters with super-speed and flight, like Mon-El and Ultra Boy should have enough speed to get there in time. Ultra Boy, now that I mention him, probably wouldn't be able to fly as fast as Mon-El even, since he has to use one power at a time; and I doubt his super-speed would be able to affect the speed his flight ring propels him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. As usual, Dawnstar's powers are incomplete, and we also have Sensor Girl's eyes colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
"HARD TIME."

TITLE: Superman 80-Page Giant V3 (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Neil Kleid (writer).

DISSECTION: Let's assume Perry White is what, 70-73 years old? That's as far as I'm willing to go with him... then during the 40s, when the JSA, particularly Wildcat, who he shares this story with, and the Guardian (Jim Harper, though not a JSA member) were active, he was... not even born? Three years old in 1940? If we stretch his age to 80, he was ten in 1941? Sorry, but the timelines for him to have been a cub reporter back then don't make sense, particularly when he's recently been shown befriending Lex Luthor when they were both young men (in their 20s, perhaps Perry in his 30s and Lex in his 20s); and Lex is shown to be not that much older than Clark Kent.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Both Perry and Wildcat's eyes are colored wrong, and Wildcat and the Guardian shouldn't have public identities back in the 40s.
<-------------------------------->
This week had nineteen total dissections, and a 6.2 Bazzars average. Normal. Moments Of The Week are all (except one) from the Legion Annual that was best book of the week. First up, Violet defeats the Emerald Eye:


... but not without some consequences:


Emerald Vi again? And in case you wanna learn the Legion's history quickly and in a fun way? The Legion History Boardgame!


Yeah, it's a large image, but I decided not to resize it so you could enjoy it. No mention of what happened between The Magic Wars and the recent return of the original LSH... And last, what shouldn't you feed to giant monsters?


MODOK BRAINS!!! That's gonna end up badly... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #194.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

01/05-"It's true. Reading superhero comics leads to loneliness and virginity. (...) Reading off-kilter books like "The Goon" and "Billy The Kid's Old Timey Oddities" makes you seem manly and interesting and leads to loads of vagina. Loads." Franky, Billy The Kid's Old Timey Oddities And The Ghastly Fiend Of London #4 (The Goon backup story).

01/12-"I want a secret weapon with which I can shatter the false consciousness of the masses and overturn social order. And more realistic porn." Buddy, Vision Machine #1.

01/19-"(...) nowadays with all the clowns running around Gotham, you'd be nuts to go into an abandoned amusement park by yourself." Anthony Marchetti, Batman: Streets Of Gotham #19.

01/19-"Find a hole and climb into it. Or else find a really tall tower and plant a flag on the top. Either way, they're gonna find you. Just depends on how you want to go out." The Basilisk, Age Of X: Alpha.

Yes, I know. I'm horribly late. But I had vacations from work the second half of January, and I was already behind, and... well, here's a column for THE ENTIRE MONTH OF JANUARY!!! Before we go into the column itself, let me remind you of two things: First, that I built a Facebook fan page for the column... Here it is. Please go click "like"; and promote it. Second, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU HAVEN'T VOTED IN THE 2010 AUTOPSY AWARDS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Seriously, go check out the nominations and vote. If you already voted, please disregard this outburst. Also, while you're at it, there's a design-your-own-superhero contest at Talenthouse, sponsored by The Stan Lee Foundation... would you mind going to this page and click on the right to vote with your Facebook account? Thanks!

Last column's DT! was cracked by JohnnyDoe, who noticed that Atlanteans in DC (and Marvel, for that part) naturally breathe oxygen from the water they inhabit, not air; and Waid wrote they suffocate for lack of "oxygenated air". DC Atlanteans, by the way, can breathe outside water too; while Marvel Atlanteans can't (unless they're mutants like Namor and others). Badge for Commander JohnnyDoe!

Let's get The Dissector's Picks Of Each Week out of the way as fast as possible. Best Book Of The Week for 01/05 was Iron Man Legacy #10... Van Lente's writing is engaging, the art is good, and the use of The Pride is a good bonus to those of us who enjoyed the original Runaways run. Worst Book of that week was Batman Confidential #52... it's not bad per-se, but if you're going to write stories that are set in continuity but are current-continuity-light, Iron Man Legacy is the way to go; not Batman Confidential. Incidentally, Batman Confidential is the only survivor of the "Confidential" line at DC, remember we had Superman/JLA/JSA Confidential books? And I question Marvel's naming of book... Iron Man Legacy is a flashback book, but X-Men Legacy is just one of the regular X-Men books... and it's not even the original one (which is now Uncanny X-Men)... what gives? Cover Of The Week for 01/05, to your right, is the Module Edition cover for Dark Sun #1, by Wayne Reynolds. Good art that shows you what Dark Sun feels like, and you know I like the module variant idea.

Best Book Of The Week for 01/12 was Black Panther: The Man Without Fear #514. Great pulp feel from David Liss' writing and Francesco Francavilla's art. Worst Book Of The Week was Red Robin #19, an awful and tired "computer mindscape adventure" story. While Marcus To's art with Guy Major's colors make for clean, cartoony but not ridiculous visuals; but Fabian Nicieza's a much better writer than this, that much I know. Best Cover, to your left, is one of DC's iconic covers of lately, by Aaron Lopresti, for Justice League: Generation Lost #17. Simple and pretty.

Week 01/19 brought us Best Book Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 #9. Just good Legion adventures with Paul Levitz writing; and while I prefer all the art was Yildiray Cinar's, his team up with Wayne Faucher is not bad. Worst Book was Brightest Day #18... was it badly written or drawn? No, but this book hardly does anything to me, it's not engaging, I can't find it in myself to care for it... and there was nothing that struck me as actually bad this week. To your right, Cover Of The Week is from LSH #9 too; and another iconic cover by the same art team as the interior art... it just tells you what the Legion is off the bat. I would have preferred to have Quislet on it, but I can't have everything, now can I?

Best Book Of The Week for 01/26 was The Sixth Gun #8, as this voodoo western by Cullen Bunn and Brian Hurtt continues to be a great read. Worst Book Of The Week was Chaos War: X-Men #2, as pointless as tie-in minis are these days, this one is one of the most pointless... And the last Cover Of The Week for this month, to your left, is one the variant covers for X-Men V3 #7, celebrating the Fantastic Four's 50th anniversary. Paolo Rivera (credited inside the book as "Paulo", even though HE WROTE HIS FRICKIN NAME ON THE PIECE HE SUBMITTED AS A COVER) really captured FF #1's look in his painted style.


The Rundown: Action Comics (Joker's face is not like it should be), Adventure Comics V1 (Dawnstar's powers are incomplete), American Vampire ("gothca" instead of "gotcha"), The Avengers V4 (inconsistent credit lettering), Avengers: The Children's Crusade (inconsistent credit and next issue lettering), Avengers Prime (inconsistent lettering), B.P.R.D.-Hell On Earth: Gods (inconsistent series numbering), Batman Confidential (Hal Jordan's badge is right, then wrong), Batman (Enigma's eyes are colored wrong, Riddler's hair is colored wrong, accented letters), Birds Of Prey V3 (Dove's powers are incomplete, a speech balloon points to the wrong character), Booster Gold V2 (accented letters, Rip Hunter's eyes and hair are colored wrong), Brightest Day ("darkenss"), Captain America V2 (Black Widow's eyes are colored incorrectly), Chaos War: Dead Avengers (Beast looks nothing like he should, and his eyes are blank in an old painting), Chaos War: X-Men (the story mentions Banshee dying before Moira, but it was the other way around), Chip 'N Dale Rescue Rangers ("San Paolo" instead of "Sao Paulo"), Doom Patrol V5 (Rita Farr's eyes are colored incorrectly, as are Scandal Savage's), Fantastic Four V1 (Leech's speech patterns are wrong), Freedom Fighters (a sword is referred to as a "staff"), Fringe: Tales From The Fringe (accented letters and eñes), Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors (Guy's badge and ring are wrong), I Am An Avenger (inconsistent credit lettering), Klaws Of The Panther (Black Widow's eyes are colored incorrectly), The New Avengers V2 (baby Cage is too young looking, ñ, inconsistent credit lettering), Red Robin (Riddler's hair is colored incorrectly, several accented letters), Supergirl V5 (the Kryptonite's Man eyebeams should be green, not heat vision red), T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents ("negligience"), Uncanny X-Force (Deadpool's skin looks too smooth and healthy), Vision Machine ("Sao Paolo", "managment"), X-Factor V3 (Madrox's eyes are colored incorrectly), X-Men V3 (cover artist Paolo Rivera is credited as "Paulo", and WTF are Dum Dum Dugan and other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents doing in the X-Men's command center?), X-Men (Taco Bell Promo) (accented letters, and Nightcrawler's boots are colored incorrectly in a panel), X-Men Forever 2 (Mystique changes shape and the effect looks like a hologram fading; not her usual morphing; weird dialogue, "runic" is not a language you speak but a way of writing several different languages, Storm's eyes shouldn't be all white unless she's using her powers), X-Men Legacy (accented letters), X-Men: To Serve And Protect (Reed Richard's eyes are colored incorrectly).
<-------------------------------->
"WRONG SOUTHERNER, SUGAH!"

TITLE: Age Of X: Alpha (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Mike Carey (writer).

DISSECTION: Cannonball says his family is from Caldecott County (which, while unsaid, is a fictitious Mississippi county), when they're actually from Cumberland County (a real Kentucky county). Yes, I suppose that this being an alternate reality, it could be different... except Caldecott County is where Rogue is from.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Wolverine's eyes are brown in another story.
<-------------------------------->
"THAT DOOR IS MADE OF KRYPTONITE! WAIT, WRONG HERO..."

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 652.

CULPRIT: Dan Slott (writer).

DISSECTION: Peter slowly walks into a closed door... and it gives him a bloody, bruised nose. Really? Spider-Man's that much of a wimp?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, there's an accented letter that's not smaller... but a lower-case letter in the midst of a whole page of upper-case dialogue...
<-------------------------------->
"BATMAN'S OLDER THANK HE LOOKS."

TITLE: Batman: Streets Of Gotham (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Paul Dini (writer).

DISSECTION: No, and a thousand times no. Bruce Wayne's parents couldn't have been in their 20s when heroes like Alan Scott and Jay Garrick were part of the All-Star Squadron or JSA and invited Zatara to join them... that's like the 1940s!

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"G.I. JOE: STEALTH MASTERS!"

TITLE: G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (IDW).

ISSUE: 162.

CULPRIT: Larry Hama (writer) and SL Gallant (penciller).

DISSECTION: Cobra is on the run! G.I. Joe sends two agents to spy on them, and when they see the Baroness going her own way in an unmarked sedan, they decide to tail her through Jersey Shore roads... in full military gear, in a green military jeep with a double-barrel laser turret mounted in the back...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Come on! Also, they mention the Baroness walking around in full black leather outfit when it's clearly Cobra-blue; not even "comic-book-black-with-blue-shades", but straight up blue.
<-------------------------------->
"HEROIC AGE: HERE WE GO AGAIN, THIS TIME ON THE KEY OF X."

TITLE: Heroic Age: X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator), various writers not specifically credited.

DISSECTION: It's the X-Men's turn at this; a few small mistakes; but nowhere near the level of previous Heroic Age handbooks:

• Steve Rogers didn't award Cyclops the Presidential Medal Of Freedom; while he asked the President of the USA to do it, it's awarded by... yes, you guessed it... the President of the USA.
  
  
• Karma's back history can't have communist Vietnam in it anymore, it's 2011.
  
  
• Magma's ancestry is described as "the daughter of one of the ancestors of an original citizen of Nova Roma"... what?
  
  
• Renascence, the former Wind Dancer (Sofia Mantega) was born in Venezuela, not Argentina.
  
  
• Alternate reality Steve Rogers dubbed "Captain Mexica" was not an agent of the Mexican government, since Mexico does not actually exist as a nation in his reality. He's an Aztec Empire agent.

DISSECT-O-METER: Various.
<-------------------------------->
"POWER SUIT, POWER BEARD!"

TITLE: The Invincible Iron Man V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 33.

CULPRIT: Jamie McKelvie (penciller).

DISSECTION: Tony Stark shaves in the morning, then goes to bed and falls asleep clean shaven (except for his perfectly trimmed 'stache and beard, of course)... and wakes up to look in the mirror at his five o' clock shadow stubble? How macho is the man to grow that much beard overnight?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, colorist Matt Wilson decided Tony has green eyes, instead of blue ones.
<-------------------------------->
"JUST WING IT. WHAT, HE'S DEAD? WHO CARES!"

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 53.

CULPRIT: Mark Bagley (penciller) and James Robinson (writer) in some.

DISSECTION: Is this the same Bagley that used to do Ultimate Spider-Man? Because he seems to be phoning it in here... both in terms of quality and accuracy. He draws the Doom Patrol looking like they did back in the 1960s, Geo-Force flying in the background when he wouldn't be there due to events in Outsiders... and the JSA shows up with Damage, who's dead?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars each, as well as Hal Jordan's badge being wrong, and an accented letter.
<-------------------------------->
"RED EYE SUBMARINE RIDE."

TITLE: Namor: The First Mutant (Marvel)

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Ariel Olivetti (artist).

DISSECTION: Atlantean street signs in English, a Caucasian-skinned logomancer, Namor's eyes incorrectly colored, Doctor Doom's too, as well as Dr. Nemesis's hair... but what puzzles me the most is the fact that random Atlanteans have red glowing eyes. Why?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DISSECTION OF STEEL."

TITLE: Steel V2 (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Steve Lyons (writer).

DISSECTION: Come on, dissect his one as Steel prepares to face Doomsday:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IN-JOKE."

TITLE: The Thanos Imperative: Devastation (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Dan Abnett & Andy Lanning (writers).

DISSECTION: The "Knowhere/Nowhere" joke should not work in Shi'ar language.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
So the first month of the year had ninety-four dissections, with an average of 6.7 Bazzars... on the high end of the usual spectrum. Moments Of The Week... Month! Quite a few, obviously, let's start with Dale shows he's just not the Rescue Rangers' clown:


Or rather, he's a clown with a purpose. Next, look's who's part of the Superman Family in the future:


Barry Obama! And you know what I didn't see coming, speaking of time travel?


That! Next, from the D&D comic, something I or one of my players would do:


I laughed out loud, honestly. What looks like a fairy tale story end, but is not bound to be "forever and ever"?


Yeah, that. Next, who Hercules gets real:


Or mortal. That should be interesting. Now, remember what I said about Cobra being very subtle? And the Jersey Shore?


... I wasn't lying. FIST PUMP! And from KODT, two beasts meet..


... and don't clash! And last, to kick-off Age Of X, Magneto does one of those nice stunts he tends to pull:


Something like lifting most of Manhattan in the air and transporting it away for use as a mutant fortress. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!