The Dissector #69.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"If you're hunting nerds for sport I'd like you to know I'm PERSONALLY offended." Spider-Man, Amazing Spider-Man V1 #555.

Well, here's the column for last week's comics, and I'm sure a lot of you take it personally, like Spidey. Last week's DT! was correctly assessed by Snarf5181; the post Infinite Crisis Colossal Boy does not grow, he's a giant who shrinks. Badge for ya! The Dissector's Picks Of The Week will be short and sweet; as I'm not feeling very well as I write this (my neck is killing me).

Best Book Of The Week was, hands down, Action Comics #863. A great finale for the Legion arc; it's obvious that Geoff Johns understands the characters, and Gary Frank even managed to make them look a little bit less like heroine addicted schizophrenics. Great dialogue, excellent pacing, amazing action... and awesome moments for the MOT... this is a great year for the Legion, a good 50th anniversary. On the other hand, the Worst Book Of The Week was Cable V2 #2. Inconsistent art, boring plot, crappy pacing. There, presto!
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"EVENTUALLY, HE'LL REMEMBER."

TITLE: Action Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 863.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer)..

DISSECTION: As usual, important things are missing from Superman's power listing.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"IT'S MICROMAX'S DAUGHTER!"

TITLE: Cable V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Ariel Olivetti (artist).

DISSECTION: The size changing of the baby is a bit less outrageous, but it's still happening.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"BLACK LIGHTINING BELONGS IN ANOTHER BOOK..."

TITLE: Countdown To Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: Edgar Delgado (cover colorist).

DISSECTION: Mary Marvel's lightning bolt is colored black. Same goes for the interior art, colored by Tom Chu.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, Kyle Rayner's emblem is also colored incorrectly, and there's a panel where people are missing their faces.
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"THEY'RE MAGICAL!"

TITLE: Detective Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 843.

CULPRIT: John Kalisz (colorist).

DISSECTION: Zatanna's sweatpants change color from one page to the other.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"YOUR PHONEY MACHINE LANGUAGE DOES NOT COMPUTE!"

TITLE: Metal Men V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Duncan Rouleau (writer).

DISSECTION: Again the binary speak by U.N.I.O.N. is not right, binary must be divisible by 8.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Still, this issue was better than all the rest of the mini... which is waaaaay too long. This story can be told in four issues.
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"HEY, IF HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO DYE HIS HAIR, WHO'S GONNA TELL HIM SO?"

TITLE: Midnighter (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 18.

CULPRIT: Gabe ElTaeb (colorist).

DISSECTION: Midnighter's hair should be blonde, not brown.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"EXILED DISSECTION"

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: Jordan D. White (assistant editor) and/or Mark Paniccia (editor).

DISSECTION: I rant about this one all the time.


DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"ATTACK OF THE TERRIBLE GIRAFFE GIRL!"

TITLE: DC Special: Raven (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 05.

CULPRIT: Damion Scott (penciller).

DISSECTION: Scott's style is a weird blend of manga and... I don't know what else, but it fits the book. His anatomy is a bit distorted, but it's a stylistic choice, I assume. However, when he does things like that giraffe girl's body below, I got to call him on it.


She looks eight feet tall!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"SAVAGE MEMORY."

TITLE: Secret Invasion (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 07.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer) and/or Chris Eliopoulos (letterer).

DISSECTION: The lettering makes it confusing, so it might be another character (it could only be Echo, though, but it doesn't sound like her), because someone says that he/she thought the Savage Land wasn't real. If it's not Echo, it could only be Iron Fist, and even if he's never been there, it still makes little sense for him to say something like that.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Good start for this event. Not great, but still good.
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"JARVIS... IS THAT YOU?"

TITLE: Secret Invasion (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 07.

CULPRIT: Leinil Yu (penciller).

DISSECTION: Jarvis looks nothing like he should, in fact he doesn't look the same from panel to panel. One panel he looks nothing like he should, but at least he's the right build; next panel he's fat and short as his Ultimate counterpart... sheesh!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE FIRST.... TWO, OR THREE..."

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: Yay! We needed to reboot more titles and give them lame names like his one!!! Argh, just call this New Mutants V3!!!! It was a passable start; we'll see how it evolves. There is, however, a dissection: Cyclops says that "No Brotherhood (of Evil Mutants) since the first has been led by Magneto." This is not true; even if they were successive, Magneto led a few different line-ups of the Brotherhood. They were different enough to qualify as different teams; and there was at least one of them (the one that was later Mutant Force and the Resistants) that was completely lacking in returning members, so in my opinion, it qualifies as a new incarnation.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"MUCHO BARATO."

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer) and/or Simon Bowland (letterer).

DISSECTION: Well, well, well. Much better! They've downplayed the mystic element, they've reduced the number of unnecessary Spanish words to 1 in 20 instead of 1 in 10; and they've used tildes and Ñs! Still, it's not devoid of errors. First, they say "señors"; the plural should be "señores". That's the one I'll be rating below; but there's more: first, Ñs and vowels with tildes should be the same size un-tilded vowels or Ns; not smaller to accommodate the tilde, the letterer should adjust his font. Then, opening exclamation marks are missing, Alejandro de la Vega calls his wife "querido" (the word should be "querida", since she's female), and also calls her "amano" (it should be "amada", "amano" doesn't even exist). Lastly, there's a few Spanish words that are missing their tildes; I used to forgive this (even if it's incorrect), but if you use tildes for some word, use tildes for all words that need them.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Wow, that's 12 dissections in one book (out of 26 for the whole week)... I could have done this column just on Zorro #2!!!
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Nice week, with a 6.1 Bazzars (hmm...) and of course, Moments Of The Week! Forgive a couple of the MOT being several pages long, they were just too cool. First up, a quick look at the Action Comics LSH storyline's finale:


Simply breathtaking... but less impressive than the previews at the end of the book:


Geoff Johns + George Perez + LSH From Three Worlds = Geekgasm Maximus! Next, Cap has fun with Giant Man:


Kinky! We continue with one of the crappiest names in superhero history (and I'm counting the Triathlon):


John Henry, stick to engineering. Next, Colonel Magnus' (you don't know how hard it is for me to not write "MaGnUs" automatically) BURNS his Metal Men making brother:


That was harsh...And now:


Yes, I know it's not noticeable unless you've read Secret Invasion but... JARVIS IS A SKRULL!!!! So THAT'S why he hasn't looked like himself lately! Almost at the end of our column, The Boys venture where no other comic (that I know of) has: tasting the rainbow:


God, Billy Butcher's face in that first panel is priceless! And if you didn't know what "tasting the rainbow" was before this (apart from a Skittles slogan), now you do. Last, but certainly not least (how many times have I said this?), Young X-Men show team spirit, despite their crappy, John Henry Irons given team name:


Rockslide might be a jerk, but he's a loyal jerk. That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #68.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"(...) a plan that probably involves Sentry being asked to do something that'll make him cry." Build-A-Recap, World War Hulk Aftersmash: Damage Control #03.

That quote made me laugh out loud. Have I ever mentioned that I think Sentry sucks? Last column's DT! was spotted by Sully and Snarf5181, and it was that "Qurac" was spelled as "Quarac".... that's like misspelling Latveria! *whistles looking up, since for more than two decades he thought it was Lavteria*

Time for the Dissector's Picks Of The Week, I'll make them short. Best Book Of The Week was Blue Beetle V7 #25; it was just an explosive, edge-of-your-seat ending to the plot that started in issue one; and we even get a JLI (sort of) guest spot. Vibrant art, snappy dialogues, great pacing... it all adds up to comic book gold. See more about this in the Moments Of The Week (and I had to leave some out). I have to admit that I'm a bit afraid of next issue being "all-Spanish!"; but I guess I'll just have to read it.

Worst Book Of The Week? Transhuman #1; it was dense, not funny, and just plain boring. It does, however, have an interesting enough backdrop for me to check out next issue. On with the dissections, then.
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"HE WAS AN ABIN SUR FAN."

TITLE: Batman Confidential (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Rags Morales (penciller).

DISSECTION: This is actually a good story, a better anti-Batman than Prometheus, really. However, they show the original Wrath being put in a Gotham orphanage, back in the time where Gordon gets transferred to Chicago (when he was a simple patrolman, not long after the Waynes' murder). So, this is, easily, 20 years ago. Twenty years ago in DC time, none of the "Silver Age" heroes were active; so why is a kid wearing a t-shirt with a Green Lantern Corps logo?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"THERE ARE MANY, MANY, MANY MODELS."

TITLE: Battlestar Galactica: Origins (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: Inlight Studio (colorist).

DISSECTION: Despite the sub par art, this book is actually the best so far of the Dynamite new BSG books. Still, there's an error. When we see the Cylons prior to their attack on the colonies, a Simon model can be seen with the others, but his skin is colored Caucasian, instead of black, as it should be. By the way, I haven't seen the first episode of the new season, but I'm told it's great.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"BREAKING NEWS! T'CHALLA CAN'T READ WAKANDAN!"

TITLE: Black Panther V4 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 35.

CULPRIT: Cafu (penciller). Oh, look, two-times World Cup winner footballer Cafu is now a comic book penciller?! Or actually this one should be for Reginald Hudlin (writer).

DISSECTION: The Black Panther's monitors again have text in English "Incoming Call - Mother" such and such... uhm... no, I don't think so.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"TRUE COLORS."

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC)

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Guy Major (colorist).

DISSECTION: Guy Gardner's emblem is colored incorrectly.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"ANIMAL MAN, NOT CYPHER."

TITLE: Countdown To Adventure (DC).

ISSUE: 08 of 08.

CULPRIT: Adam Beechen (writer).

DISSECTION: Now Animal Man has (since 52) the ability to tap into the morphogenetic fields of the whole universe, and mimic abilities from animals from other planets. Still, that doesn't give him the ability to speak any alien language, since that's a learned skill, not an inherent ability.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Good mini, a bit too long (it shouldn't have taken more than four issues to tell this story), but this is a fundamental misunderstanding of Animal Man's powers, and an unnecessary one, since a) it was plausible that either Starfire or Adam Strange spoke a language the Healers would understand, and b) Starfire can absorb languages through physical contact.
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"WHO IS THAT GIRL?"

TITLE: Countdown To Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Jim Starlin (penciller).

DISSECTION: Nice nod Kamandi; I'm surprised that they didn't make a special or a miniseries to tell this story, when less-tangential arcs to Countdown have been done as such (The Search For Ray Palmer, anyone?). Still, Starlin gets Una's costume wrong, drawing very thin bracelets on her wrists instead of bracers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Kyle is missing his chest emblem in one panel.
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"MYSTERIOUS SPELLINGS."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 66.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I misspelled Jeromy Cox's name as "Jeremy". Sully spotted this one, and one where I misspelled "Mystery" as "Mistery".

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Also, the Guvnor found a typo I made
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"OHNOES, THE COPS!"

TITLE: JSA: Classified (DC).

ISSUE: 36.

CULPRIT: B. Clay Moore (writer).

DISSECTION: Since when does Wildcat run from the police after detaining a perp? He's a member of one of the most important, public, and even down-to-Earth superhero teams in the DCU!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"SHE MARRIED NITRO?"

TITLE: Knights Of The Dinner Table (Kenzer & Co.).

ISSUE: 134.

CULPRIT: Barbara Blackburn (assistant editor)

DISSECTION: One of the footnote quotes is credited to "Sara Fergueson", when her last name is "Felton". Fergueson is the name of another character (Victor "Nitro" Fergueson). Kudos to her and her husband Jolly for taking the heat on this one, and being such great sports about it. They make the finest comics/gaming magazine out there, along with the rest of the team, and they're so down to Earth and willing to talk in the forums with their fans, that I regret having to report errors in their books. But... the Dissector doesn't, and he's sometimes stronger than I am.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. There's also a repeated quote in two consecutive pages (that one's for Jolly and the lovely Bev Shideler, the typo slayer).
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"DISSECTION OF THE FUTURE!"

TITLE: The Legion of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 40.

CULPRIT: Jim Shooter (writer).

DISSECTION: Easy one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"DOOM TALKS BACK!"

TITLE: The Mighty The Avengers (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer).

DISSECTION: Even if he's a Skrull (he might be), Doctor Doom does not say things like "You're a fat piece of furniture I may need for trade! So shut your cow-mouth or I'll remove your face by hand before I stop your whore's hear!"

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Also, why would Tony Stark have to "reverse-engineer" tech he himself developed and has all the specs for?
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"JUST IGNORE THOSE."

TITLE: Robin V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 171.

CULPRIT: Chuck Dixon (writer).

DISSECTION: This issue is from February, but since I wanted to read all about the possible return of the Spoiler, I got this one and 172 to read. Not bad, I'll say, but I have a hard time believing that Robin actually thinks that "The criminal element is made up technophobes." Uhm? And what do you call Lex Luthor, Brainiac, Captain Cold, Mirror Master, etc, and even the lame-ass Condiment King guy you just fought in this very issue? DC has a lot of tech-villains, even among the non-superpowered variety.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"MASTER OF STEALTH!"

TITLE: Robin V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 172.

CULPRIT: David Baldeón (penciller).

DISSECTION: Robin's utility pouches are not fixed on both ends to his belt, flapping around wildly when he runs. Yes, very stealthy.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"DUH!"

TITLE: Robin V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 171.

CULPRIT: Chuck Dixon (writer).

DISSECTION: Since when is Robin stupid enough to phone his girlfriend in the middle of an important case. Dixon, this is not the same Robin appearing in Teen Titans or Batman.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Greek themed casino, lots of "Z" banners, and a guy who looks like Maxie Zeus, and Robin even doubts it's him?
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"THE UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR IS BROKEN!"

TITLE: The Secret History Of The Authority: Jack Hawksmoor (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 01 of 06.

CULPRIT: Mike Costa (writer).

DISSECTION: Nice first issue, this is my favorite Authority character (him and the previous Doctor). Nice writing by Mike Costa, and good art by Fiona Staples; we need more women in comics. However, I have a problem with one of the lines said by the current Doctor (who, comically, Fiona has making Ditkoesque Dr. Strange hand-gestures). The Authority is fighting some sort of mythical giant (similar to the Millennium Giants in DC a few years back), whose language they can't translate, because according to the Doctor "It's a proto-language. It comes from a time when language and culture were inextricable from each other." Uhm, what?

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"ALLEN-NATION."

TITLE: Spider-Man: With Great Power... (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: David Lapham (writer) and/or VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Liz Allan, not Allen. Yes, I know, I've made that mistake too.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"YOU'RE PALE..."

TITLE: Star Trek: New Frontier (IDW).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Leonard O'Grady (colorist).

DISSECTION: I expected no less from Peter David, this was a good issue, though I wish I hadn't missed the few latest New Frontier novels. The art is not fantastic, but it's certainly better than the norm in IDW's Trek titles. Still, there's a couple of errors. First up, Kalinda's skin should be, as with all Thallonians, dark red, or even light red... not dull pink.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Romeo Takahashi's hair should be blonde, not white.
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"WORFZILLA."

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 05

CULPRIT: David Messina (artist).

DISSECTION: This was the best issue so far of the IDW TNG comics; even the art was better... but that's probably because apart from David Messina on the art, Gianluigi Gregorini is credited as "art assist"... Still, Messina still draws Worf in a scene as if he was three times larger than a human being. Psst, Dave... he's a Klingon, not the Hulk...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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"DEMOTED!"

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 05

CULPRIT: David Messina (penciller).

DISSECTION: Chief O'Brien is never wearing any rank insignia. Yes, I know he has a history of screw-ups on part of production regarding his rank and insignia, perhaps that was Messina's reason for not drawing any on him? Also, I'd like to thank Messina for including my dad in Star Trek:


First he was a Sinestro Corpsman, now he's a Starfleet Engineer? Nah, he'd be best suited for the JAG.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Picard's eyes are not green.
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"SLACKERS."

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 05

CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writer).

DISSECTION: O'Brien claims that a after level 3 diagnostic, there is not much more they can do without pulling into a space dock; but actually, a level 1 diagnostic is the most exhaustive one they can do.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"MONKEY BUSSINESS."

TITLE: Transhuman (Image).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Jonathan Hickman (writer).

DISSECTION: The test apes are referred to, in what's supposed to be official research reports as "monkeys". NO. APES ARE NOT MONKEYS!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, one of the analysts uses the word "fucking", it's supposed to be a scientific study.
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"IS SHE WOODY'S DAUGHTER?"

TITLE: Ultimate Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 120.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer), and/or Lauren Sakovitch (assistant editor), and/or Bill Roseman (editor).

DISSECTION: Liz Allan guys, let's all get that right, yes?

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. And also, I can't count it as a dissection, but I'm feeling that Bendis calling Blob "Franklin" instead of "Frederick" was a mistake, not an intention to rename the character for the Ultimate Universe.
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Well, this week we had a 5.8 Bazzar average; not too shabby. What? You wanna see the Moments Of The Week? Here we go: First, Jack Hakwsmoor shows you why he's the "King Of Cities"!


Henry Bendix (the guy with the wings) just peed himself a little. Next, we learn exactly what "Khaji Da" means:


That's the scarab talking, and it rebels completely against the Reach, befriending Jaime. Cool! Talking about cool, check this out:


"I'm the crazy one." indeed Guy. Check out Milagros' face (I can see a Guy Gardner poster in her room), and the Reach soldier who realizes they're screwed. Priceless. More Blue Beetle, last one actually, the Reach is low-tech pwnd!


Jamie Reyes is a credit to modern teenagers. Next, the death of a beloved character:


Holy crap! Last, Ben Grimm shows us he's not just beauty and brawn:


Gotta love the Thing. That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!