The Dissector #144.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"(...) your total and utter stupidity!! (...) When I asked you to sign our release form, you put down "Pisces"! You once told us to meet you at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk"! I caught you studying for your blood test! Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupidity! You're a completely dim ignorant vacuous imbecilic idiot braindead cretinous moron!!" Outlaw scientist about Rhino's intelligence, or lack thereof, seconds before being impaled on the newly minted villain's larger horn.

Welcome to the column for comics released on 12/09, which I'm writing while listening to Richard Cheese's "Silent Nightclub" (a Christmas album). Gotta love Richard Cheese... First of all, and on a comics related not, let me apologize to David Gallaher, writer of Hulk: Winter Guard, who dropped by the comment section of my last column, and disputed my claim that there was some fake Russian in his book. My apologies, I took note of the word "ponchiki" because I didn't know it, and then, when writing the column, without the comic book in front of me, just my notes, I didn't notice that I had typed "pochiki". I couldn't find that word anywhere, even with alternate spellings (but alas, never the right one), so I marked it as a made up word. Honestly, when I was writing it, I thought "the rest of the Russian looks flawless, I should go back and check if I took note of the word correctly"... but I didn't. The average for last column stays the same, though, the math added up to the same 6.3 figure.

JohnnyDoe correctly cracked the DT!; there were too many Earths in the Bleed when Swift was in it. It's doubtful the Megaverse, with more than the 52 Earths of the current DC Multiverse would be seen from there. Good job JD, you just made Lieutenant Commander in the Honorary Dissector's Scout Corps!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week! Best Book Of The Week was R.E.B.E.L.S. #11, just a good read, and good art. Worst Book Of The Week was, unfortunately, Lobo: Highway To Hell #2; it's like writer Scott Ian didn't know how to end what he'd started pretty well.

Now, The Rundown: Action Comics (Hal Jordan's badge, Congorilla's size), Citizen Rex (accented letters, calling the main character by the wrong name), Dark X-Men (Norman's eyes), Incredible Hulk (Reed Richard and Bruce Banner with wrong eye colors), Lobo: Highway To Hell (why call Lobo a "blue moron", if his skin is white?), Nation X (Logan and Namor get their eyes colored incorrectly in the cover, and Anole's larger arm is wrong in a story), The New Avengers (Jessica Jones should have brown eyes, not green ones), R.E.B.E.L.S. (Lyrl Dox's eyes are colored incorrectly, an alien spaceship has a sign in English, Sinestro looks nothing like he does in the Green Lantern books and he even changes appearances within this book), S.W.O.R.D. (Beast again, and Hepzibah looks wrong), Star Trek: Alien Spotlight: Cardassians ("Carassia"?), War Machine V2 (an American flag again in the ICC, Norman's eyes, and what's a "technomath"?), Wolverine: Under The Boardwalk (Logan's eyes are wrong, wrong costumes on the X-Men, and Logan didn't have adamantium forty years ago), X-Men Forever V2 (accented letters, wrong colors), X Necrosha: The Gathering (Selene's eyes are wrong). Dissections!!!
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"BLUE BEATLE."

TITLE: Booster Gold V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 27.

CULPRIT: Hi-Fi (colorist).

DISSECTION: Ensign Piggylicious noticed that Blue Beetle's armor's hands change color midway through the issue. Good catch, Ensign!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, Barry Allen has inexplicable red eyes, Rip Hunter's eyes and hair are, as usually, colored incorrectly, and Supernova's costume is colored wrong too. Not Hi-Fi's day.
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"MINISTERIAL MINISTRATIONS."

TITLE: Daytripper (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 01 of 10.

CULPRIT: Fábio Moon and Gabriel Bá (writers).

DISSECTION: Twin Brazilian brothers Moon and Bá claim they have "secret real names so we don't get attacked by the mob of fans (mostly women), but Brazilian's are known for using nicknames a lot... Pelé is not reaaaaaally (read in a "Dr. Perry Cox" style) called "Pelé", you know? Anyway, you might know them as artists from separate books (Casanova in Moon's case, and Umbrella Academy in Bá's, to name two examples), but now they're writing and drawing their own limited series, Daytripper, in what might be the first US published comic (from DC, Marvel, Dark Horse, Image, or any other publisher) written and drawn by South Americans. Yes, there are a lot of artists from Argentina, Brazil (a LOT), some from Uruguay (Eduardo Barreto, Richard Bennett, and newer artists like Ignacio Calero, Eduardo's son Diego Barreto, and Diego's sister Andrea, who is a colorist, and, more recently, Diego Jourdan), and several Spaniards; but that's all in the art department.

The only Latin American writer I can think of is Roberto Aguirre Sacasa, and in addition to not being South American (his parents are Nicaraguan), he was born in the US. Enrique Breccia is a writer as well as an artist, but he has only drawn stuff for DC, not written it... Fabian Nicieza was born in Argentina but lives in the US since he's three years old, and he's done stuff with Spanish artists, but none that I can think of with South American ones. So, it's kind of a big deal, even if there are other South American writers in the US comic scene, I am pretty certain there hasn't been any book both written and drawn, and more importantly, created, by a South American writer/artist team, so I applaud the irmãos BaMoon. And to any South American artists already in the industry... well, you know where to find me if you want a Uruguayan writer. *wink*

Now, this book was a good read, but it did have one tiny dissection. The main character and his friend refer to the "Ministry" of Culture, when they're actually talking about the "Minister" of Culture, the person, not the institution.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars, just like any other "foreign language" dissection.
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"SUPERENDAGERER."

TITLE: DC Holiday Special '09 (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Superman. Err, I mean Arie Kaplan (writer).

DISSECTION: Supes meets a kid with cystic fibrosis (go read that Wikipedia article, it's a serious genetic disease and most people don't know what it is), and takes him flying through the city on Christmas eve... in a robe, scarf, slippers and apparently no pants. Good job, Superman!!! Now, any healthy adult will most likely get a cold like that, and while I don't know much about cystic fibrosis, I know enough (and I read about it on the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation's website) to know that people with the disease aren't more likely to get colds, but there's a great chance they'll get sicker than someone without CF. You see, cystic fibrosis, among other things, causes a person to have trouble breathing due to accumulation of mucus in the airways.

I knew a guy in high school who had what I now think was CF (or something very similar), and he was constantly having breathing problems, and had to get physical therapy to help with that. Unfortunately, he died when we were sixteen or so. While we never were actually friends, hope you're well where you are now, Frank.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. There are a lot of other dissections in this book, mostly wrong eye colors, a costuming mistake here and there... and for some reason Adam Strange's hair gets colored brown...
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"MR. WEATHERBY."

TITLE: Doom Patrol V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Keith Giffen (writer).

DISSECTION: Once again, Tempest did not have weather powers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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"!"

TITLE: Web Of Spider-Man V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03.

CULPRIT: Fred Van Lente (writer).

DISSECTION: See the Quote Of The Week? Well, there are portions I actually changed to correct them. It actually said (and pay attention to the quotation marks inside the ones I put: "(...) When I asked you to sign our release form, you put down "Pisces!" You once told us to meet you at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk!" (...)".

See the problem? While, depending if you're using American or British grammar rules, you can put commas or periods inside or outside the quotation marks, exclamation or question marks only go inside of said quotations if they only apply to the portion you're quoting. The was being emphatic about the stupidities Rhino did (writing "Pisces", thinking "Walk" and "Don't Walk" were street names), not saying that Rhino had written "Pisces!" or "Don't Walk!" with exclamation marks.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. There is also an accented letter smaller than it should be, and a word balloon pointing to empty air, and no invisible man.
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"SECRET AMNESIA."

TITLE: What If: Secret Invasion (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Kevin Grevioux & Karl Bollers (writers).

DISSECTION: The Skrulls succeed in their invasion, and humans and Skrulls live in peace... mostly. Some humans, including aunt May, accept "conversion"; becoming Skrulls by combining their DNA with Skrull DNA. So, the heroes start adapting the X-Men's skrullified Legacy virus to purge the alien DNA from humanity. Peter Parker, the Black Panther, Night Trasher, Iron Man, and others work on it, trying to make it so it doesn't kill humans while cleansing the Skrull DNA from them. However, Peter Parker, yes, Spider-Man, helps Norman Osborn sneak in to impersonate Iron Man and help, because he's apparently an expert in "microbiology".

Since when? Microbiology has never been Norman's specialty, and in any case, why would Peter trust Norman? I call thee bullshyte.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Lots of other errors, of all kinds, in this book.
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"WORLD WAR DISSECTION."

TITLE: What If: World War Hulk (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Lucio Parrillo (colorist).

DISSECTION: You tell me:


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. It's pretty obvious; and there are also a couple of minor script dissections.
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This column has an average of 6.7 Bazzars on sixty-nine (hehe) dissections. Pretty standard. Now, Cover Of The Week, a pretty simple, yet good looking cover by Russell Chong for Star Wars: The Clone Wars #11:


Very Red Baron, and that's the whole point... but I liked it. Only two Moments Of The Week, first up, Booster Gold comes up with a great way of getting rid of Black Lanterns:


Jolly good job! And now, a funny X-Men moment:


It made me laugh. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #108.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Ladies and gentlemen, God exists... and he's Latverian." News anchor, What If? Secret Wars.

Welcome to the column for comics issued on 01/02, and I'd remind you that you're still in time to vote in the Autopsy Awards, and if you speak Spanish, the latest episode of my internet radio show, Perdidos En El Eter, is out, with pieces on Secret Invasion. Final Crisis, Afro Samurai, and Cisplatino. Last column's DT! was spotted by Snakebyte, who correctly spotted that Revel used the word "hierological"; unless they're priests, the word Revel was looking for was "hierarchical". Congratulations Snake, this newest badge gets you the rank of Vice Admiral, again the first in the fleet to reach it (as founder, I automatically gave myself the rank of Grand Admiral, and I'll be the only one, and although Nysie has the rank of High Admiral, she's honorary and didn't go through the rest of the ranks).

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow. Best Book Of The Work was X-Men: Magneto Testament #4; it's a good portrayal of what concentration camp prisoners had to go through, even if it's a pretty "cheap shot". Worst Book Of The Week was Superman & Batman Vs. Vampires & Werewolves #6, awful last issue of an awful mini that shouldn't have existed. Off you go, the dissections are here:
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"BLE BEETL."

TITLE: Blue Beetle V8 (DC).

ISSUE: 34.

CULPRIT: Matthew Sturges (writer).

DISSECTION: The word "versus" is spelled "verus".

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!!!"

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 102.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: In the course of my going over the columns of the past year for Autopsy Awards nomination-worthy dissections, quotes, and moments, I found twenty-two dissections of my own work. And that was only while giving the columns a cursory scan; imagine what an in-depth re-reading would find! They're all typos or similar mistakes, and the funniest one was in #102, when I wrote "Kingdong Come" instead of "Kingdom Come".

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"CAPACITY AT RING."

TITLE: Green Lantern V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 36.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer) and/or Rob Leigh (letterer).

DISSECTION: Hal Jordan's ring says "ring at capacity"... when it was before at more than 200% capacity, so it can't mean "ring at full capacity". It was probably meant to say "ring at maximum overload capacity" or something like that.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"DON'T MESS WITH ME, I GOT A POSSE!"

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 28.

CULPRIT: Dwayne McDuffie (writer).

DISSECTION: John Stewart says he's one of four Green Lanterns in Sector 2814; when in truth, he's just one of two assigned to the sector, with Hal Jordan. Kyle Rayner and Guy Gardner are assigned to Oa, they're part of the Corps Honor Guard.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars, it could be a figure of speech, since both Kyle and Guy are from Earth and former members of the League, so they have interest in the situation. Also, penciller José Luis makes Vixen's totem appear and disappear, while letterer Travis Lanham spelled the penciller's name as Jose' instead of José.
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"IT GETS BIGGER. NOT!"

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 49.

CULPRIT: Jim Shooter (writer).

DISSECTION: Colossal Boy's powers, for the Nth time... too bad (seriously) this book is being cancelled after next issue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, penciller Manapul has equipment labeled in English instead of Interlac, but I didn't count it as a dissection, because it could be just a matter of the Legionnaires being retro.
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"YES, I KNOW THIS IS SOMEWHAT OF A CLICH"

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: Annual 01.

CULPRIT: Ed Dukeshire (letterer).

DISSECTION: The word "clichéd" has a smaller "e", as a result of the letterer's misunderstanding of how a tilde works.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"SUPERNATURAL CREATURES? WHERE?"

TITLE: Superman & Batman Vs. Vampires & Werewolves (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 06

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: A caption about Superman says something to the effect of "He's fought alien invaders, superpowered enemies of the state... but vampires and werewolves?"... yes, he's never fought any kind of supernatural enemies, of course not.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"RED LIGHTNING!"

TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 683.

CULPRIT: James Robinson (writer).

DISSECTION: Black Lightning uses his powers against a Kryptonian by surrounding him with lightning and then... CHANGING THE LIGHTNING'S COLOR TO RED, THEREFORE RENDERING THE KRYPTONIAN POWERLES??!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Robinson, Kryptonians are powerless under RED SUNLIGHT, not RED ELECTRICITY!!! Black Lightning has ELECTRIC POWERS not SOLAR POWERS!!!

Robinson also has Starfire absorbing the yellow solar radiation from the Kryptonians to leave them powerless. This, while a stretch of her powers (she never had such control, her solar energy absorption is usually just passive), it's not absurd like what he does with Black Lightning's powers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. No less.
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"I CALCULATE THIS IS WRONG."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 66

CULPRIT: Rod Reis (colorist).

DISSECTION: A bit subtle.


DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"IT'S SO REMOTE, IT'S OUT OF CONTROL."

TITLE: The War That Time Forgot (DC).

ISSUE: 08 of 12.

CULPRIT: Al Barrionuevo (penciller).

DISSECTION: Colonel Jape's remote control appears and disappears from his hand, and changes shapes from page to page.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"A HOLE DIFFERENT THING."

TITLE: X-Force V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Mike Choi (penciller).

DISSECTION: X-23's boots don't have the holes for her claws, as they should.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"IT'S WRITTEN IN CIPHER."

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Nick Lowe (editor) & Daniel Ketchum (assistant editor) and/or Dave Sharpe (letterer).

DISSECTION: In the cast of characters, Moonstar's picture has Cipher's name under it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, a Spanish name is wrong again.
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So, predictably, we got an average of 3.6 Bazzars on thirty-three dissections; most of the dissections (twenty-three, my own), were just typos, so not even the two 10s could offset that. Let's get on with those Moments Of The Week, shall we? The first one is a shock (and I know it's the same image as the DT!):


Okay, maybe not much of it... but finding out that DCU Marvin and Wendy are the son and daughter of the Calculator is a bit of a shock. Next one is better, I promise:


How's that, eh? Pregnant with a Skrull baby! Next, another shocker, one that was completely unexpected to me, despite some people's predictions:


Mutant X is Typhoid Mary? Typhoid Mary?!? Typhoid Frakking Mary?!?!? Mutant X was, according to Dan Slott "a mutant chick who’s been cover-worthy many times. This is not some obscure-o mutant dusted off just for this arc. (...) People who don’t even follow comics regularly will know who it is." Really? Typhoid Mary? Who had never had the source of her powers revealed before? Who's been on a few Daredevil covers? Who isn't known at all by people who don't read comics? Come on.... I do love the next one... did you guess who Doctor Who's opponent in "The Forgotten" was?


Yes, the Meta-Crisis Tenth Doctor! Complete with a mandatory evil goatee! And last, be careful for what you wish...


... you hear me, Franklin Richards? Now, before we finish, remember to vote in the Autopsy Awards. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #107.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"C'mon, stud. Get swollen and purple for mama Maxine." Maxine (aka Ladytron) to Maul, WildCats V5 #06.

Last column of 2008! Almost two weeks into 2009! Yay! Here are the dissections from the books released on 12/24; after this column I'll release the nominees for the vote-in awards for the 2008 Autopsy Awards. Straight up, let me give you The Dissector's Picks Of The Week. Best Book Of The Week was Atomic Robo: Dogs of War #5, a good final issue for a good mini. Worst Book Of The Week was Skaar: Son Of Hulk #6, because it's like a second rate Conan/Hulk mix.

DrSilent once more spotted the DT!, and it was the fact that Nightcrawler's costume was incorrectly colored. One more badge for you, Lieutenant. Now go, fetch me a beer while I write the dissections!
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"THIS IS JUST TWO TENTHS OF A DISSECTION."

TITLE: CONTRACT Solo Missions: Panzer (A First Salvo).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Charles Shell & Garan Madeiros (writers).

DISSECTION: The planet "Tropica" is said to be "covered 4/5th by oceans"; "four fifths" or even "4/5ths" would be better.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"THE DISECTORR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 90.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I spelled the name of the book "Guerillas" as "Guerrillas". In my defense, the correct spelling of the word in Spanish is "guerrilla", as a loanword in English it's been changed.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, in #102, I wrote "add" when I meant "ad".
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"THE SLASH: FASTEST MAN ALIVE.."

TITLE: The Flash V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 247.

CULPRIT: Rachel Gluckstern & Eddie Berganza (editors).

DISSECTION: Where the "next issue" blurb would be, there's an announcement about the ending of the book and the upcoming "Flash: Rebirth"... however, there's a slash inserted completely at random in the text. Speaking of the end of this book, why another book cancellation to restart something... I mean, Hal Jordan can be Green Lantern along Kyle Rayner and thousands of others, but is there really a place for Barry Allen and Wally West?

Barry is loved by many, but Wally West earned his place as "the" Flash (no, Jay doesn't count, he's the "old Flash", a second-string character), and much of the modern DCU is revolves around the fact that Wally has been Flash (except for Bart's brief stint) for about 25 years... Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have a favorite Flash, I'm not "taking a side" here... but I just wanted to rant about it a bit. That said, a Geoff Johns "rebirth" mini has the potential to be as good as "Green Lantern: Rebirth"...

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar.
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"DISSECTION WARFARE."

TITLE: Guerillas (Image).

ISSUE: 03 of 09.

CULPRIT: Brahm Revel (writer, in this case)

DISSECTION: Okay, a writing one for you guys:


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars, it's just atrocious. Also, the word "motivation" is spelled "motovation".
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"SOCK!"

TITLE: Rann/Thanagar Holy War (DC).

ISSUE: 08 of 08.

CULPRIT: Ron Lim (penciller) and/or John Kalisz (colorist).

DISSECTION: And of course, for the last issue, Animal Man still runs around in his socks.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"SEKRIT INVASHUN."

TITLE: Secret Invasion: Requiem (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Jim Shooter (writer) and/or Janice Chiang (letterer), original story printed in Avengers V1 #213.

DISSECTION: Tigra says "aquittal", when the right spelling is "acquittal".

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"TOTAL ACCESS!"

TITLE: Vigilante V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Marv Wolfman (writer).

DISSECTION: Wolfman (is that a cool last name, or what?) confuses "JLA access" for "Checkmate access" when it comes to access to computer networks.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"AUNT MAY KEEPS IT FOR FETISH ROLEPLAY WITH SKRULL JARVIS."

TITLE: What If? Spider-Man Back In Black (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Steven Grant (writer).

DISSECTION: In the original storyline, Spider-Man has to go retrieve his black costume from a hiding spot (webbed under a gargoyle in high atop building, where it had been for years, but that's another dissection); while here he exits his motel room right after MJ is killed already decked in black threads.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. It might be too much, but one panel of him retrieving the costume or a "an hour later" thing would have been easy to write into the story.
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"GUUUY IN REEEEEEEEEEED!"

TITLE: Wonder Woman V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 27.

CULPRIT: Gail Simone (writer).

DISSECTION: Etta Candy says that Nemesis (for the purpose of not incriminating him) is "just some random dude in black"... but he's wearing a red uniform.

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzars. Yeah, it could be a figure of speech relating to the fact that he always wears black.
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Well, check it out... no "other languages" dissections! This column has a low average, at 4.2 Bazzars (in eleven dissections) it's the lowest one since #91's 3.7... Feh, as if anyone cares... Let's go away with the Moments... Moment Of The Week. What the hell is Cap doing with his hand down a guy's pants?


I guess "When Captain America shoves his hand down your pants!" doesn't quite have the same ring. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #106.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Yes. I am Tesla and you are all Edison. Which means I'll die penniless & alone in a hotel room while obsessively counting my pubes." Warren Ellis, Backmater, Doktor Sleepless #10.

Well, second to last week of December, books out on 12/17. Last column's DT! was cracked by DrSilent, who correctly said that Green Arrow's original costume has red boots and gloves, unlike that flashback illustration I showed you. Before we get on with the rest of the column, let me tell you what The Dissector's Picks Of The Week were. Best Book Of The Week goes to Mighty Avengers #20; it was just a touching tribute to the Wasp, not one of my favorite characters, but a founding Avenger after all. Worst Book Of The Week was What If? Newer Fantastic Four, not because it was really bad, but because it was unnecessary... oh yeah, the art did suck.
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"GOOD GOING, HELENA."

TITLE: DC Universe Holiday Special (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer, Huntress story).

DISSECTION: Speech balloons get switched around, making the Huntress ask if a community service program run by herself is "Some sort of retarded helping program or something..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"OVERPOWERED, MUCH?"

TITLE: DC Universe Holiday Special (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Adam Schlagman (writer, Dr. Light story).

DISSECTION: You know, I'm all for suspension of disbelief and pseudoscience and all that, but... What the jiminy blazes is up with Shimmer transmuting Dr. Light's shield (made of, well, light...) into a mirror? Shimmer transmutes matter... MATTER. Not energy.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"THE DISEECTOR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 105.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I hope this is my last self-dissection of the year... in fact, this shouldn't even count for 2008, because I posted #105 in 2009. Yeah, that's it. This is going into the 2009 Autopsy Awards files... What is it, you ask? Alex Maleev's HORRIBLE Namor had me seeing red, so I called the artist "Maalev". and Snakebyte (look kids, he's back! Good to have you back on board, Commodore-who-is-just-one-badge-away-from-being-a-Vice-Admiral!) noticed it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"NEW DISSECTIONS EXILED."

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: 16.

CULPRIT: Mark Paniccia (editor) and/or Jordan D. White & Michael Horwitz (assistant editors).

DISSECTION: Never mind the fact that, somehow, Mystiq and Cat merge together... Morph is again the topic of this dissection. Apparently, they're cancelling this book in a couple of issues... as long as they don't relaunch it as All-New Exiles, that'd be too much...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"TREKSSECTION."

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Last Generation (IDW).

ISSUE: 02 of 05.

CULPRIT: Andrew Steven Harris (writer).

DISSECTION: I was going to make a joke about how many colons these Star Trek titles have; but then I remembered that I neglected to comment on Majel Barret-Roddenberry's passing on my column. It's not comics, but it's part of our culture, and she was a driving force behind her late husband (Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry), as well as part of the franchise since the very beginning (she was the female first officer in the first Trek pilot; who had to be replaced because of network idiots thinking it was too avant garde), a character in the first show of the saga (Nurse Chapel); a great comic relief in TNG and DS9 (Lwaxanna Troi), and an ever-present voice in all Trek shows and movies (except for ENT), as the voice of the Starfleet computers. Godspeed, First Lady of Trek. Read more about her demise here.

Does it even matter what the dissection was, now? Well, I'll say it for the records: holographic life support. Right...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Data's eyes are colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
"IS THAT SWAMPLAND CAMO OR DID YOU JUST GO POTTY IN YOUR PANTS?"

TITLE: Supergirl V6 (DC).

ISSUE: 36.

CULPRIT: Sterling Gates (writer) and/or Jared K. Fletcher (letterer).

DISSECTION: Alura In-Ze (Supergirl's mother, in case you failed "Who's Who In Kryptonian Society") calls General Zod's men "soilders"... are those like soldiers who soil their pants?

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I DON'T WANT TO CATCH ANY TANGENT GERMS."

TITLE: Tangent: Superman's Reign (DC).

ISSUE: 10 of 12.

CULPRIT: Kanila Tripp (colorist).

DISSECTION: When are artists and colorists going to learn that John Stewart doesn't wear gloves as part of his costume?!?!?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Artist Carlo Magno also gets Guy Gardner's hair and costume wrong.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S GEO-FORCE... YAY!"

TITLE: Terra (DC).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Steve Wands (letterer, as Swands).

DISSECTION: Geo-Force's speech bubble points directly to a villain Richard Faulkner.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, Geo-Force's eyes are colored incorrectly. But who cares, it's Geo-Force.
<-------------------------------->
"UNCANNY DISSECTION."

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 505.

CULPRIT: Justin Ponsor (colorist).

DISSECTION: Look at this cover, and tell me what's wrong, color-wise:


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I’M THE JAGANNĀTHA, BITCH!"

TITLE: X-Men: Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 219.

CULPRIT: Cory Petit (letterer).

DISSECTION: Professor X refers to the Jagannātha, where the word juggernaut comes from, but the accented "A" is smaller than the rest of the letters.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CONCHITA VENEZUELA MARIANA OXIGENADA FERNANDEZ RODRIGUEZ ESTEVEZ DE LOS PALOTES Y SANTA CECILIA... A SU SERVICIO!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm willing to overlook weird names that don't really fit Spanish characters, like "Immaculata", or "Pasquale"; but the last name "de la Pulido" is just plain wrong. And there's tons of other Spanish language mistakes in this issue, as usual... nineteen more in fact.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Please Matt Wagner, STOP raping the Spanish language!!! It's painful!!!
<-------------------------------->
Column comes to a closing with a 6.6 Bazzars average on thirty-four dissections (thanks to Zorro up there). Before you leave, check out the Moments Of The Week, for there were plenty: First up, Crusader's story was heroic and touching... but that didn't make a difference to 3-D Man, did it?


... but not everything is lost when you wear a ring made out of a Cosmic Cube sliver:


This can be trouble, don't you think? Next up, Superman, pimpmastah!


What's Supes about to do with two underage (or at least, very young) heroines while the rest of the heroes party? Two heroines... AND A MONKEY!!! Next up, Tony pulls a fast one on Norman:


Priceless... And last, and completely least; if that's Katana, what the hell is she doing with that meat cleaver?!?!


She was recently on the TV show, but looked more like herself... who's this supposed to be, then? Beats me... we'll find out in a few weeks, I guess. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #105.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

I. Am. The. New. God. All is one in Darkseid. This mighty body is my church. When I command your surrender, I speak with three billion voices... When I make a fist to crush your resistance. IT IS WITH THREE BILLION HANDS! When I stare into your eyes and shatter your dreams. And break your heart. IT IS WITH SIX BILLION EYES! NOTHING LIKE DARKSEID HAS EVER COME AMONG YOU: NOTHING WILL AGAIN. I WILL TAKE YOU TO A HELL WITHOUT EXIT OR END. AND THERE I WILL MURDER YOUR SOULS! AND MAKE YOU CRAWL AND BEG! AND DIE! DIE! DIE FOR DARKSEID!" Darkseid and his choir of thralls, Final Crisis #5

That is one kick-ass evil invasion speech, given by one of the masters of evil invasions... Here we are with the second week of December, 12/10, and since I was too quick to post this column after the last one, nobody caught the DT! from #103, although the Guvnor should gave it a shot. The problem with that panel was that Agent Coulson, played in the Iron Man movie by Clark Gregg, was not blonde, but brown haired. Man, I'm not very fond of Gwyneth Paltrow (she don't do much for me usually); but I sure can't help but looking at her as Pepper Potts and thinking "Man, I would dunk my pepper in her pot anytime..." Uhm, sorry...

Move along, move along.... let's get to The Dissector's Picks Of The Week; Best Book Of The Week was once more Amazing Spider-Man, issue #580. Once again, we get a thinking Peter Parker, who doesn't just punch his way through problems. Worst Book Of The Week was Astonishing X-Men: Ghost Boxes #2; whereas the first one had cool Victorian X-Men, this one has... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.... sorry, I fell asleep. Are we done? Are we ready for the dissections now? Yeah, cool.
<-------------------------------->
"GHOST WORDS."

TITLE: Astonishing X-Men: Ghost Boxes (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Warren Ellis (writer) and/or Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: I think I was saying something about this book before, but I can't remember... ah, well... Dissection here is that a narration box from Armor says "I wouldn't be around to see..." when it's actually meant to be "I wouldn't want to be around to see..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OOOH... LET'S MENTION CURRENT EVENTS AND BE TRENDY LIKE BENDIS!"

TITLE: Batman Confidential (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Andrew Kreisberg (writer).

DISSECTION: Now, this is a story that takes place during the early years of the Batman's career; the Joker has just been "discovered", and we get a lot of other signs that squarely places this tale in the beginning of Bruce's time as Batman. Why, then, do we get references to events that happened recently, like the trial of Saddam Hussein?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"A MEXICAN MAGNETO. THE BAND? NO, PLEASE NO!"

TITLE: Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 07.

CULPRIT: Grant Morrison (writer).

DISSECTION: This book getting a bit better, but there's too much going on and two slowly! On one page, Imán, a Mexican superhero, speaks in Spanish, saying "... mi armadura esta inútil... pesa un tonel... ¿Que hariá Superman?"; which is quite wrong... "my armor is useless" would be "mi armadura es inútil" or "mi armadura está inutilizada", "it weights a ton" would be "pesa una tonelada"; while “What would Superman do?” would be “¿Que haría Superman?”

Not to mention several problems with tilde sizes, which go to the letterer (Travis Lanham), and two words spelled incorrectly by Morrison (“esta” and “hariá” should be “está” and “haría”), of course.

Thanks to Gary Greenwood at The Annotated Final Crisis, and originally to Douglas Wolk at Final Crisis Annotations, for identifying Imán for me. Check out both of their blogs, they're very useful in following this storyline... also, thanks to Gary for spotting a switcheroo of speech bubbles in this issue, he gets a badge and an induction as Ensign into the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ARROWS OF DISSECTION."

TITLE: Green Arrow/Black Canary (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: David Baron (colorist).

DISSECTION: See if you can hit a bullseye with this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TWO-EYES."

TITLE: Nightwing (DC).

ISSUE: 151.

CULPRIT: Hi-Fi (colorist).

DISSECTION: Two-Face's eye, at least on the unscarred of his face, should be blue, instead of brown/red.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MUCHO BUENO!"

TITLE: Secret Six V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: Gail Simone (writer).

DISSECTION: Gail, I know you mean well, but please check with a native speaker before using Spanish dialogues! E-mail me, I'll do it for free and with gusto!!! In this issue, Tarantula says "el juego del gato", apparently meaning "the cat suit", talking about Catman... but "el juego del gato" is "the game of cat" or "the cat game", not "the cat get up" or something like that, which is what Simone apparently tried to say.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. I have seen no indication that Tarantula, despite having a Spanish name (Catalina Flores), speaks Spanish well.
<-------------------------------->
"THAT'S NOT NAMOR!!!"

TITLE: Secret Invasion: Dark Reign (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer).

DISSECTION: Why, pray do tell, is Namor written like a blundering idiot who almost stutters and can't show a shred of dignity when talking to Loki, Emma Frost or others?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TOLDJA, IT AIN'T HIM!"

TITLE: Secret Invasion: Dark Reign (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Alex Maalev (artist).

DISSECTION: KILL ALEX MAALEV!!!! KILL HIM!!! Well, maybe that's too much, but why can't he draw a character the way it's supposed to be? Not only his Namor looks nothing like should (see the Moments Of The Week, although I can't consider it a dissection), but he looks nothing like he looked in the end of Secret Invasion: he has a different hairdo, a different hair length, and beard stubble...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Norman Osborn lost his tie; you can't be President of the USA without a tie!!! Thanks to the Guvnor for noticing these details, badge for him. One more and you make Lt. Cmdr.; Guv!
<-------------------------------->
"GETTING FAMILIAR WITH THE JEDI."

TITLE: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Henry Gilroy (writer).

DISSECTION: A clone commando refers to Ahsoka Tano as "Commander Ahsoka", instead of "Commander Tano".

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"YEAH, I LEFT SOME BIDNEZ THERE."

TITLE: Superman & Batman Vs. Vampires & Werewolves (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: Green Arrow says he's got to return to Seattle... but he hasn't been based there in a long time...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OOOOH! SOMEONE WITH POWERS!!!"

TITLE: Wolverine: Flies To A Spider (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Gregg Hurwitz (writer).

DISSECTION: Wolverine attacks some gangbangers, and one of them phones his boss to say that "... the dude has like, these swords attached to his hands or something. (...) I know it sounds crazy, but this guy's like something outta a comic book." Really? In the Marvel Universe? Where superheroes run around everywhere, and Wolverine was a member of a very public team of Avengers, not to mention all his time on the X-Men? PUH-LEASE!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"A GRAVE MATTER."

TITLE: X-Men/Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Mario Alberti (artist).

DISSECTION: Kraven's grave reads "Kravinov", when it actually should read (as it's been shown before) "Kravinoff".

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, someone tell Alberti that Wolverine's eyes are blue, not brown.
<-------------------------------->
That brings us to an average of 6.3 Bazzars on seventeen dissections; less than I expected. Huh, well... here are the Moments Of The Week. First up, on what would have been a WTF moment back in the day:



I told you! That's not Namor, he was busy so he sent Jean Reno!!! Also, Jean Reno did not read his script, so he doesn't know how Namor's supposed to behave, or who he's met or not:



Of course, he smells like croissant!!! And for the finale, Boosters keeps his sister from changing history... with a little help of Skeets:


It cracks me up, those little robot arms stealing the sketch! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #104.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"You saying I got a little white in me? Yeah, I got a little white in me! My teeth, my eyes, and my fuckin' cum!!!" Sgt. Jamal Stuart, Haunted Tank #1.

December's first week, 12/03 is here; and for starters, let me tell you that the Guvnor cracked the DT!, thus earning another badge. The problem with that Odin picture was that Odin clearly has both eyes; and he had not regained his lost eye it yet in Marvel continuity.

Now, The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are next; Best Book Of The Week was Amazing Spider-Man #579. Mark Waid provides a good Spider-Man tale, and reminds us again that Peter Parker is practically a genius... Spidey can THINK. Worst Book Of The Week was Wolverine Annual #2; standard "Wolverine travels alone, finds monster, defeats, tries to teach moral". Yawn. Dissections, please!
<-------------------------------->
"EL DIAVLO!"

TITLE: El Diablo V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer).

DISSECTION: While letterer Sal Cipriano correctly makes the Ñ the same size as the rest of the letters; Jai Nitz uses the word "quinceñera" instead of "quinceañera" (literally "fifteen year old girl"; as in "sweet fifteen"; since Hispanics celebrate that for girls instead of "sweet sixteen").

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"GUARDIANES DE LA GALAXIA! CON: MARTINEZ, PEREZ, ALVAREZ Y BORGES!"

TITLE: Guardianes De La Galaxia (Forum/Marvel, translating Guardians Of The Galaxy V1).

ISSUE: 09 and 12 (same numbering as in US edition).

CULPRIT: Xavi Marturet (translator).

DISSECTION: With not enough dissections in this week to fill the requisite minimum of ten per column; I once more went to my Vault. I found some little gems I had stowed away, to show how it's not just English speaking writers who mess up other languages. One day, I'll write an article on the atrocities that are committed when translating comics to Spanish.

In this case, there are three cherries from the 1994 Guardians Spanish edition of 1991 US book that I wanted to share with my readers. First up, and just a typo, but one with funny results; Martinex is called "Martinez"; which ends up being a Spanish surname. Actually, I don't think it's a typo; I think the translator spellchecked his document and the spell check dictionary, in Spanish, replaced Martinex with Martinez. I remember when my spell checker, when writing articles in Spanish, would replace "Marvel" with "Marcel"...

Next, and completely out of the blue, Martinex is called "Frank"... WHAT??!?!?! And lastly, and even more funnily, in the middle of an issue, someone refers to the "Belt asteroid" ("asteroide Belt" in Spanish); making it obvious that the translator didn't know what an asteroid belt was. The funniest thing is, that when I went to Google what was Xavi Marturet up to know (his actual name is Javier Marturet); he had blogged about a Final Fantasy fan music video with an Evanescence song. He translated the lyrics to the song himself, and posted them along with the video, because (according to himself) "you don't wanna know the stinkers that pass for translations on the internet, they're horrible". The lyrics translation looks okay, but I hope he's learned what an asteroid belt was in these past 15 years.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, for "asteroide Belt", lesser scores for the other two. I usually give wrong uses of the Spanish language (or other languages) in English comics 6 or 7; in this case I gave it a higher rating because those are uses of foreign languages to give certain scenes or characters a "flavor"; while what Marturet was doing was translating comics in their entirety to another language, for people to read and understand them, and he didn't even know what an "asteroid belt" was (heck, he couldn't even translate the word "belt" literally)...
<-------------------------------->
"MOVIE STAR."

TITLE: Iron Man/Hulk/Nick Fury (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Chris Sotomayor (colorist).

DISSECTION: See if you can spot this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SIGH..."

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Mark Paniccia (editor) and/or Jordan D. White & Michael Horwitz (assistant editors).

DISSECTION: Morph; but this might end soon (no, not the book, unfortunately).

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, MARJARIE?!?! HUH??!?!!"

TITLE: NYX: No Way Home (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Marjorie Liu (writer).

DISSECTION: It's CECILIA Reyes, not "CECELIA"!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ORIGINAL -1."

TITLE: Secret Invasion (Marvel).

ISSUE: 08 of 08.

CULPRIT: Tom Brevoort (editor) and/or Jeanine Schaefer (assistant editor).

DISSECTION: The recap at the beginning says "the original avengers are united"... which is not true. Good ending for the event, though.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars; you could argue that with Captain America, even if it's not Steve Rogers, the original Avengers are there. Also, Norman Osborn is shown wearing a suit; when he was wearing some battle armor of sorts last time.
<-------------------------------->
"NOT GREEN ENOUGH."

TITLE: She-Hulk: Cosmic Collision (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Val Staples (colorist).

DISSECTION: Jennifer Walters' eyes are colored brown, when they should be green.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"AFRICAN IMAGINATION."

TITLE: Vixen: Return Of The Lion (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: G. Willow Wilson (writer).

DISSECTION: Again; Vixen is said to be from the fictional nation of Zambesi. The country is M'Changa, Zambesi is the village.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
WOLVERIÑE.""

TITLE: Wolverine V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: Annual #2.

CULPRIT: Cory Petit (letterer).

DISSECTION: Petit, unlike Cipriano, does not make his Ñs the same size as the other letters.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"PINYIN'IN IT UP."

TITLE: Wolverine: Manifest Destiny (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Cory Petit (letterer).

DISSECTION: Again Petit makes accented letters smaller than the rest, this time from Pinyin transliterated Mandarin Chinese.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
So, that brings us to the end of another column; with a 6.7 Bazzars average on sixteen dissections. Let me get you the Moments Of The Week, and you can be on your way. First up, is DC cutting back on salaries and people have to multitask?


Looks that way. Then, this is a priceless moment from the first issue of Haunted Tank:


I saw it coming from a mile away, but it was still funny. This book was a runner-up for Book Of The Week. Last, one step closer:


OZ FOR PREZ!!! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #103.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!" Jon Webb, Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #53.

Man, that is one funny quote... Welcome to the column for comics released on 11/26; last week of November (although many of the dissections are older); we still have four columns from December to go through before I launch the second ever Autopsy Awards. Some of you already read the previous ones, and even voted in the categories that were vote in; but for those of you new to the Autopsy Awards, here's how they work. There's categories that are based on the amount of dissections perpetrated by an author, for example; then there's categories where I choose nominees (best art dissection; best writing dissection; best quote of the week, etc) and then you vote; and then there's special awards I give based on... my fancy. This year, however, I won't write up a ceremony; I think once was enough, and it would take a long time to write, too.

Now, on to the column itself; nobody tried to guess the DT! for last time, so I'll come out and say it: Batman's cowl wasn't colored in his neck. Simple, yet noticeable, at least to me. Now, The Dissector's Picks Of The Week: Best Book Of The Week goes to Blue Beetle #33; just pure superhero fun. Worst Book Of The Week went to Hulk #8. Huh? I'm getting bored of this book. Now, the dissections:
<-------------------------------->
"THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!"

TITLE: JLA: Classified (DC).

ISSUE: 28.

CULPRIT: Howard Chaykin (writer).

DISSECTION: The continuity of this issue, from October 2006; is all messed up. I'll let J. Caleb Mozzocco, formerly of Shotgun Reviews, and currently of his own blog "Every Day Is Like Wednesday" explain it better, from a review back in the day at Best Shots@Newsarama:

"There are times where I feel like the wild-eyed scientist predicting some unlikely cataclysm in a disaster movie whom everyone dismisses until it’s too late to do anything but run away from the special effects. That is, I feel like the only person freaking out about something that is just so damn obvious to me, yet the powers that be just don’t seem to notice the problem, let alone give a damn about it.

Case in point: The Howard Chaykin-written “Secret History, Sacred Trust” arc in JLA: Classified, and where it fits in Justice League continuity (See! You’re doing it too! Rolling your eyes, thinking I’ve lost my mind!).

There are a few easy to spot “tells” among the League’s line-up to tell where a particular story featuring them may fall on their fictional timeline—The length of Aquaman’s hair, who’s wearing the Green Lantern ring, whether Batman has an oval on his chest or not. But the tells all conflict here.

For example, this is the Big Seven, so we know we’re talking somewhere between the Justice League: A Midsummer’s Nightmare and “The Obsidian Age,” right?

But Aquaman’s wearing his post-“Obsidian Age” duds, the shark tooth necklace and water hand he sported when Rick Vietch was at the helm of his solo title. This Aquaman wasn’t on the Justice League. Maybe he came back to help out, like in JLA Classified: Cold Steel, you say. Yeah, maybe.

But how do you explain Kyle Rayner being there instead of deep in space, where he headed to after asking John Stewart to take over as the League’s GL right after “Obsidian Age.” Maybe Kyle’s just visiting earth and decided to guest star? Maybe. I suppose J’onn J’onnz, who was on a leave of absence at the time, could also be just visiting, too, huh?

Okay, well if all of that’s true—and it isn’t, because Aquaman’s in the ocean commanding sea life in this story, even though he was unable to do so during the time he wore this costume—there’s one final damning detail. Lex Luthor isn’t President of the United States in this story, the guy who came after Luthor and Pete Ross is president. You know, the guy who looks like he might be Mr. Fantastic’s dad, President Jonathan Horne. But he wasn’t president until after “Identity Crisis,” when the “Countdown to Infinite Crisis” started ramping up, when Kyle was in space, John Stewart was the League’s Lantern, Aquaman wore a shirt and the Trinity was barely speaking.

Put it all together, and this story can’t possibly have happened! Not like this! It’s impossible I tell you, impossible! Don’t look at me like that! I’m not crazy! I’m not! It’s you! You’re all crazy! You’re all crazy but me! (...)"

I had noticed that something didn't quite jive about the JLA's line-up in this storyline; and I was intending to do the research back in the day... then I noticed Caleb had already done it for me. Thanks, man!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"PRISIOÑ BREAK."

TITLE: JSA Classified (DC).

ISSUE: 18.

CULPRIT: Tony Bedard (writer) and/or Ken Lopez (letterer).

DISSECTION: From the same month comes this issue of JSA: Classified, where Bane's birthplace is called "Pena Duro" instead of "Peña Duro".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HER METABOLISM MAKES HER CHANGE APPEARANCE..."

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 48.

CULPRIT: Francis Manapul (artist).

DISSECTION: Look at the image below; on the left there's Gazelle, as she was introduced in issue #37, and then on the right, as she's presented by Manapul eleven issues later:


Am I the only one who sees the difference? She had been reintroduced in issue #41; as part of the UP's Young Heroes team; and by then she was already changed; but in fact, Manapul's sketches for her as a UPYH member show her closer to her original appearance.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, on issue #41 (I was checking for this dissection) the United Planet's Young Heroes are referred to as the "UPYA". One more for Shooter or the letterer.
<-------------------------------->
"BOLT OUT OF HERE."

TITLE: Secret Invasion: Inhumans (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Guru eFX (colorist).

DISSECTION: One more time, Black Bolt's hair color is wrong.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IN (NON) SOVIET RUSSIA, NAMES BELONG TO THE PEOPLE!"

TITLE: She-Hulk V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 35.

CULPRIT: Peter David (writer).

DISSECTION: Russian supersoldiers the Winter Guard face She-Hulk and her friends; comprised classic ruskies Ursa Major, Red Guardian, Crimson Dynamo, and Darkstar (although the latter three in newer incarnations). Ursa Major's first name has always been Mikhail; and on page seventeen, he's called Mikhail; and the current Crimson Dynamo's name is given as Vadim. Yet, on pages 19 and 20, the Dynamo is called Mikhail... first by the Red Guardian, who, granted, could be making a mistake in the heat of a tense moment (even if Dynamo answers to the wrong name); but then by Ursa Major himself, in the unmistakably differently patterned speech bubbles his ursine form has.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. On a side note... apart from all the stars featured in the Winter Guard's costumes (even though the current Russian flag nor their coat of arms has stars; although the red in the costumes do come from the coat of arms)... am I the only one who's curious as to why the Red Guardian has a hammer and sickle on his belt buckle? Moreover, coat of arms apart, why does he sport such a communist codename?
<-------------------------------->
"KRYPTONIAN TECH?"

TITLE: Superman/Batman (DC).

ISSUE: 29.

CULPRIT: Ethan Van Sciver (penciller).

DISSECTION: Lois Lane's chest; shown in Power Girl proportions in one panel, shrinks to almost flat in the next. Wha?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Oh, this is another book from my Vault.
<-------------------------------->
"BY ODIN'S DISSECTION!"

TITLE: Thor: Man Of War (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Clay Mann (penciller).

DISSECTION: Check Odin out, and tell me what's out of place:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WHO SAID WHAT?"

TITLE: The War That Time Forgot (DC).

ISSUE: 07 of 12.

CULPRIT: Sal Cipriano (letterer).

DISSECTION: The dialogues for the Golden Gladiator and Tomahawk are switched around on one page.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TOUCH ME, SUGAH!"

TITLE: What If? Avengers Disassembled (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Aaron Lopresti (penciller) and/or (but not likely) Chris Sotomayor (colorist).

DISSECTION: Digging into the Vault once more, here's one from January 2007. There's a couple of more dissections; one for the colorist, and one for the writer, but the one I've chosen to focus on is the following: Rogue absorbs the Scarlet Witch's powers by touching her... while still wearing her gloves...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
One more column to go; finished the month of November, so that's something. We had a 7.1 Bazzars average, on twelve dissections; pretty good... or bad, I need to decide that one of these days. Before you leave, please take a look at the Moments Of The Week. For the hors d'œuvre we have:


PAYBACK! Good one, Babs... Then, for the main course:


Ninja skills FTW!!! That's the best print advertisement I've seen in a long time. And finally, for desert, we will enjoy:


Manhattan Crunch, which was actually the second MOT, but we couldn't have cereals as a main course... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #98.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"... Cat's fast asleep and one moment, as dry as the proverbial bone... but the next presto... the girl's soaking wet." Psylocke, New Exiles #13.

It's gonna be long until I catch up, since lately I haven't even been able to read my comic books. In any case, here we are with the column for books released on 10/22. The Dissector's Picks Of The Week will be our first stop; and the Best Book Of The Week was Secret Invasion 7; a good battle royale that furthers the plot. Worst Book Of The Week was Hulk #7; which is frankly boring.

Nobody spotted the DT!; which was the fact that Flash's boots were colored red, instead of yellow. Now, the dissections:
<-------------------------------->
"BART ADAMA SAYS: EAT MY SHORTS!"

TITLE: Battlestar Galactica (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Unknown.

DISSECTION: From my vault comes the September 2006 issue of Battlestar Galactica; which has a preview for the following issue... billed as "Barttlestar Galactica".

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; it's not the first time they got the title of their own book wrong...
<-------------------------------->
"BATTLESTAR DISSECTICA!"

TITLE: Battlestar Galactica: Origins (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Seamus Kevin Fahey & Clay Carmouche (writers).

DISSECTION: Well, here's a nice Dissect This! for y'all Galactica fans. Just so you know, this happens before the show:


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IZZATWAP!"

TITLE: Blue Beetle V8 (DC).

ISSUE: 32.

CULPRIT: Matthew Sturges (writer).

DISSECTION: Traci Thirteen quotes Star Wars' Admiral Ackbar; but the balloon says "Akbar".

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WEEKS OF THE MOMENT."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 97.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Well, I fucked up with last column. Three, count 'em, three dissections; first I mixed up two pictures in the Moments Of The Week; DrSilent noticed it and he gets another badge. Then I noticed I switched around the culprit an issue number in an entry; and Snakebyte let me know that I had credited Gregg Hurwitz as "Greg" (which I also did in #93). Badge for him; he's only 4 badges away from making Vice Admiral (admiral of the vice?). There's another dissection I found in my column #90; but telling you would spoil a dissection for a future column (#100).

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars for the picture mess-up.
<-------------------------------->
"MIGHTY MORPHIN'..."

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: 13.

CULPRIT: Jordan D. White (assistant editor), Michael Horwitz (assistant editor), and Mark Paniccia (editor).

DISSECTION: Morph.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"PSYCHOTIC POWERS."

TITLE: X-Factor V4 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 36.

CULPRIT: Peter David (writer).

DISSECTION: Longshot is said to have "telemetric powers"; the correct word is "psychometric"; from "psychometry"; aka "token object reading".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
This column ends up with a 5.3 Bazzars average in 10 dissections; quite low. Moments Of The Week, so we can finish this thing. First up, Pa Kent bought it!


Damn, and a friend spoiled it for me before I could read it... Then; Clint Barton cuts the crap and goes all Hawkeye on the Skrulls!


Aw yeah! And last; I tell you, Norman Osborn is the next Marvel 616 President of the USA:


Let's wait and see. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #96.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Spider-Man, I can, and will, remove your ability to speak." Doctor Strange, Avengers/Invaders #05.

Welcome to the column for comics released on 10/08; let's start by giving a badge to the Guvnor; since he cracked the DT! from last time. In this case, the problem was that the football (yes, football, not soccer) player is said to have been purchased from "Rio Plate"... the team (teams, actually, one from Uruguay, and one from Argentina) is called "River Plate". It's actually a bad translation of "Rio de la Plata"; an estuary that divides Uruguay and Argentina, meaning "river of the silver".

Now, it's time for The Dissector's Picks Of The Week. Best Book Of The Week is Green Lantern V4 #35; a good ending for the Secret Origin arc; while Worst Book Of The Week was X-Men: Manifest Destiny #2... just pointless. Now, the dissections (no DT! this time, just couldn't find anything good enough):
<-------------------------------->
"ACCENTORO NO WRONGO!"

TITLE: Big Hero 6 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 06

CULPRIT: Unknown.

DISSECTION: In the Ebon Samurai profile, the word bushido's last letter is the wrong size.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"GREEN LANTERN BOOKKEEPING."

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 29.

CULPRIT: Peter J. Tomasi (writer).

DISSECTION: Salakk, not Salaak.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. I also found it on issue 3, from my vault.
<-------------------------------->
"DYING ON THE HILL."

TITLE: Invincible Iron Man V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Frank D'Armata (colorist).

DISSECTION: Maria Hill's hair.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HE SHOPS FOR DYE WITH MARIA HILL."

TITLE: Secret Invasion: Inhumans (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: Guru eFX (colorist).

DISSECTION: Black Bolt's hair again.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I AM NOT A CROOK... I'M A KILLER!"

TITLE: Two-Face: Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Mark Sable (writer).

DISSECTION: There's several dissections, but the worse one is the fact that Two-Face continues in the run for Gotham City DA; but he can't, he's a wanted criminal. Wanted criminals cannot be candidates in elections.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"LOS HOMBRES EQUIS SON MUY MACHOS!"

TITLE: X-Men V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Mike Carey (writer)

DISSECTION: Another one from the vault. The Spanish in one of the dialogues is fucked up.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, there's a problem with the size of one of the accented letters in the same dialogue.
<-------------------------------->
So, we get a 7.5 Bazzars average on eleven dissections; pretty standard. Only one Moment Of The Week, and I'll let you go. Early in his career, Batman captures a criminal and considers it a closed case:


Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure, right! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!