The Dissector Special #05: Autopsy Awards 2008 Nominations.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

I got your Autopsy Awards nominees right here! The voting will be via e-mail, because that's what I prefer. Send your votes to lordmagnusen at gmail.com, in the following form (each nomination has a code): "W01, A03, C02..."

Some of the awards are not subject to vote, as they are given solely on a numeric basis (most Dissected company, etc), or specially awarded for extraordinary "merit". Of course, the text for each dissection is the original one from when they were published, but I've added new comments for all.

The last two categories are actually about positive things that a comic book company or creator would be proud to win... unlike the other categories. I'm talking about the "Best Quote" and Best Moment awards. Now, the nominees:
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Best Writing Dissection:

There's a lot of nominees for this category, because there were just too many atrocities committed.
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W01-"OUTSOURCING LANTERNS." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENT: This seems minor, but it shows a deep lack of knowledge of the Green Lantern myths... something that might not be important if you're writing GL as part of a larger non-GL Corps team (like the JLA), but it's very important when Green Lantern is one of the two main characters in your story.

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: David Hine (writer).

DISSECTION: Hal Jordan and the Phantom Stranger go to aid Orlan, Green Lantern of Space Sector... 3897?!?!?!?!? Hine, if you wanted to write Green Lantern, you should have done your homework... the Guardians divide the Galaxy into 3600 sectors...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W02-"I AM NOT A CROOK... I'M A KILLER!" (The Dissector #96, 10/23/08)

COMMENT: This is just too much...

TITLE: Two-Face: Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Mark Sable (writer).

DISSECTION: There's several dissections, but the worse one is the fact that Two-Face continues in the run for Gotham City DA; but he can't, he's a wanted criminal. Wanted criminals cannot be candidates in elections.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W03-"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: I'm so at a loss for words on this dissection, that I should just make up a word in English for it...

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
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W04-"Y IS THIS A DISSECTION?" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

TITLE: Y: The Last Man (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Brian K. Vaughan (writer).

DISSECTION: Last one, and also from the vault, 2002 in this case. What's wrong with this sentence from the prologue? "This "gendercide" instantaneously exterminated 48% of the global population, or approximately 29 billion men." Easy, innit?

NOTE: The answer was, of course, that you cannot kill 29 billion men, since there's roughly only over 6 billion people on Earth;

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W05-"THE HELMETS ARE FEELING BLUE." (The Dissector #65, 03/24/08)

COMMENT: Another dissection that shows that you should write what you know... or read up before writing about something you're not familiar with.

TITLE: Teen Titans Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Amy Wolfram (writer).

DISSECTION: The UN Headquarters in NYC have their own, civilian, security force; there's absolutely no deployment of "blue helmet" DPKO (Department Of Peacekeeping Operations) troops inside of it. Then why are DPKO troopers pointing assault rifles and other firearms at Wonder Woman?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W06-"UUUH..." (The Dissector #55, 02/13/08)

COMMENT: This is such a dumb error that it's unbelievable.

TITLE: Countdown To Adventure (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 08 (and previous issues).

CULPRIT: Adam Beechen (writer).

DISSECTION: Starfire and Animal Man are using solar panels to reflect sunlight; solar panels, by definition, absorb solar energy.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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W07-"A MATTER OF GRAVITY." (The Dissector #50, 12/02/07)

COMMENTS: Sometimes, you can see why science fiction is so hard, and some writers forget the "science" part too often.

TITLE: X-Men: Emperor Vulcan (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Christopher Yost (writer).

DISSECTION: The Scy'ar Tal, an alien race from which the Shi'ar stole the M'Kraan crystal (in fact, their name used to be M'Kran) have a weapon with which they drop "baby stars" through Shi'ar stargates, and used it to destroy the planet Feather's Edge by dropping one into their orbit. Ooook.... using stars as ammo... I'll let that one pass... But in this issue the X-Men, Starjammers, and Shi'ar find the Scy'ar Tal's "ammo depot", and it's a "solar nursery", with "dozens of stars (...) all in one place"; and starships and space stations can just cruise around, without being pulled into a star or torn apart. Right-y-o.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, I don't care what your technology level is, these are STARS, and I'm pretty sure I've seen the Starjammer's ship being stopped by a tractor beam, so there's no way they could navigate through a maze of stars!
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Best Art Dissection:

Not as many nominees as with the writing dissections; but quite a few. Most are so outrageous you don't even need to actually see the images.
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A01-"RETCON TOKEN!" (The Dissector #95, 10/17/08)

COMMENT: This could be a retcon, but it's so unnecessary and blatant, that it's angering.

TITLE: Venom: Dark Origin (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Angel Medina (penciller).

DISSECTION: Well, this is a big one... so Eddie Brock divorces his wife in this issue. We've seen her in the past issues, and something didn't look right to me... Then I noticed it: Brock's wife (who was briefly She-Venom in a 90s book) was blonde, and white... and in this book she's black!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A02-"CIDADE MARAVILHOSA... NOT!"" (The Dissector #84, 08/13/08)

COMMENT: Good god, it's not like you can't get photos from the web...

TITLE: Casey Blue: Beyond Tomorrow (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Carlo Barbieri (penciller).

DISSECTION: Establishing shot of Sao Paulo... THE CRISTO REDENTOR STATUE WHICH IS ACTUALLY IN RIO DE JANEIRO!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A03-"HEART TO HEART." (The Dissector #78, 07/26/08)

COMMENT: Anatomy is a very important thing you know when you're an artist...

TITLE: Astonishing X-Men Sketchbook Special (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simone Bianchi (penciller).

DISSECTION: A sketch of Cyclops new costume shows an X emblem over the right side of his chest, and a notation that the "X on his heart..." Uhm, Simone, the human heart is to the left of your chest.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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A04-"WORFZILLA." (The Dissector #68, 04/07/08)

COMMENT: Klingons are not gigantic...

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 05

CULPRIT: David Messina (artist).

DISSECTION: This was the best issue so far of the IDW TNG comics; even the art was better... but that's probably because apart from David Messina on the art, Gianluigi Gregorini is credited as "art assist"... Still, Messina still draws Worf in a scene as if he was three times larger than a human being. Psst, Dave... he's a Klingon, not the Hulk...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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A05-"IT'S A BFG!" (The Dissector #65, 03/24/08)

TITLE: Teen Titans Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Amy Wolfram (writer).

DISSECTION: Look at the picture below, and you'll see that Kerschl not only neglected to correctly represent the famous sculpture called "Non-Violence" (part of the UN art collection at its headquarters in NYC, and usually called "Knotted Gun"), but he also decided (perhaps writer Amy Wolfram too) to make it gigantic, just so Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl could stand on it and look down at normal people. Not only did they enlarge it; they couldn't even get the shape of the base well, and numerous other details in the sculpture itself.


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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A06-"ANYONE HERE SPEAK FRENCH? OR KRAUT?" (The Dissector #58, 02/28/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 22.

CULPRIT: Eric Trautmann (penciller).

DISSECTION: If (a) Marquis was wanted by the Gestapo, why is the poster in English, instead of French (or even German)?

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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Best Coloring Dissection:

There's one that's bound to win this category with a landslide...
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C01a-"OH NO HE DIDN'T!" (The Dissector #67, 03/27/08)

COMMENT: This one and the next are the same mistake, made two issues in a row, and it's outrageous. Just vote for C01 if you want this one to win.

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Arcas incorrectly colors SUPERMAN'S CAPE SHIELD!!! He colors it as if it was the chest shield, blue and yellow

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Un-for-gi-va-ble.
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C01b-"WELL, IT'S JUST SUPERMAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOT A CLASSIC, RECOGNIZABLE COSTUME." (The Dissector #72, 06/25/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Good God, Arcas! How can you work as a comic book colorist and not know that Superman's CAPE emblem is all yellow, not red and yellow like his chest one?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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C02-"FASHION EMERGENCY." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENTS: This one's weak, but I wanted at least four nominees.

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Reber gives Hal Jordan white boots... ew...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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C03-"YOUNG AND UNTANNED..." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENTS: The whole point of the "All-New" X-Men and the New Mutants after them was the multiethnic origins of the characters; now if you were South American, African, Native American or whatever origin you had, you had a character to "look up to"...

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: José Villarubia (colorist).

DISSECTION: Apart from mistakes in a Spanish name by the writer; Villarubia colors Dani Moonstar (a Native American) and Sunspot (mixed race Brazilian) as having Caucasian skin colors, exactly the same between them, and as Cyclops... To top that, he colors their eyes a very light blue, when they both have brown eyes; and a light blue for Dust, who also has brown eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Come on, coupled with artist Rafa Sandoval making Sunspot seem almost Asian, you can't even tell which characters they're supposed to be unless they tell you...
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C04-"SEE! IT'S NOT EVEN THE SAME GUY ONE MOMENT TO THE OTHER!" (The Dissector #107, 01/14/09)

COMMENTS: It's important to know a character's design before working with him.

TITLE: Countdown: Arena (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Guy Major (colorist).

DISSECTION: Major manages to color Monarch's eyes (incorrectly drawn by McDaniel, see above) blue in one panel, and brown two panels down.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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Best Lettering Dissection:

This category is harder than others, because a lettering error has got to be completely outrageous to be nominated.
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L01-"GOOD GOING, HELENA." (The Dissector #106, 01/13/09)

COMMENTS: Switched speech balloons make for funny or awkward situations sometimes.

TITLE: DC Universe Holiday Special (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer, Huntress story).

DISSECTION: Speech balloons get switched around, making the Huntress ask if a community service program run by herself is "Some sort of retarded helping program or something..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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L02-"WHERE'S WULVERINE AND NIGHTCRUWLER?" (The Dissector #61, 03/21/08)

COMMENT: This one is by far the funniest lettering error I've seen; coupled with the frilly font for such a macho character...

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 495.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Pfft.... look below.


Hahahaha!!!! COLUSSUS!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars
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L03-"TAROT, MISTRESS OF THE MEESTEEKL ARTS!" (The Dissector #51, 12/11/07)

COMMENT: Marshal... pft! I admit, this is probably an initial error on the writer's part, but the letterer should catch it. ("Magick" is not part of the error, by the way.)

TITLE: Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose (BroadSword Comics).

ISSUE: 47.

CULPRIT: Holly Golightly (letterer).

DISSECTION: In page 20, panel one, a witch fights evil with "magick" (you see what I meant about pretentiousness?) and "marshal" art moves. "Marshal"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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L04-"TXTING NORSEMEN." (The Dissector #82, 08/11/08)

COMMENT: Very simple typos, but the end effect was funny.

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer) and/or Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: So, in the 1100s you "plnt" your feet to defend your "communinty"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars each.
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Best Other Dissection:

A hard category, because again, things have to be very blatant, and not even trying hard was I able to find more than three worthy nominees.
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O01-"GUARDIANES DE LA GALAXIA! CON: MARTINEZ, PEREZ, ALVAREZ Y BORGES!" (The Dissector #104 (01/08/09)

COMMENT: Like I say in the dissection itself, it's only fair I come down on Spanish translators as hard as I do on English-speaking writers.

TITLE: Guardianes De La Galaxia (Forum/Marvel, translating Guardians Of The Galaxy V1).

ISSUE: 09 and 12 (same numbering as in US edition).

CULPRIT: Xavi Marturet (translator).

DISSECTION: With not enough dissections in this week to fill the requisite minimum of ten per column; I once more went to my Vault. I found some little gems I had stowed away, to show how it's not just English speaking writers who mess up other languages. One day, I'll write an article on the atrocities that are committed when translating comics to Spanish.

(...) in the middle of an issue, someone refers to the "Belt asteroid" ("asteroide Belt" in Spanish); making it obvious that the translator didn't know what an asteroid belt was. The funniest thing is, that when I went to Google what was Xavi Marturet up to know (his actual name is Javier Marturet); he had blogged about a Final Fantasy fan music video with an Evanescence song. He translated the lyrics to the song himself, and posted them along with the video, because (according to himself) "you don't wanna know the stinkers that pass for translations on the internet, they're horrible". The lyrics translation looks okay, but I hope he's learned what an asteroid belt was in these past 15 years.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars (...). I usually give wrong uses of the Spanish language (or other languages) in English comics 6 or 7; in this case I gave it a higher rating because those are uses of foreign languages to give certain scenes or characters a "flavor"; while what Marturet was doing was translating comics in their entirety to another language, for people to read and understand them, and he didn't even know what an "asteroid belt" was (heck, he couldn't even translate the word "belt" literally)...
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O02-"NEXT, IN A COMPLETELY UNRELATED COMIC!" (The Dissector #85 (08/18/08)

COMMENT: When you hype the next issue of a book, you might want to hype your own book... That very same week, and for another book, the same editors had the "Hot List This Week" and the DC Nation column from the week before.

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 23.

CULPRIT: Adam Schlagman (assistant editor) and Eddie Berganza (editor).

DISSECTION: Not a good week for Adam and Eddie when the last page of books is concerned. The legal indicia and "Next in..." at the end of the book are for Superman #678...

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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O03"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: This one was so big, that it had to be nominated for both categories.

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

What was the worse (or funniest, you decide) thing about this book? That when I got to the end of it, writer Nitz thanked Sergio Aragonés for "keeping it "verdadero""... Was Aragonés (who was born in Spain and grew up in Mexico) drunk? Pulling a prank on Nitz? Getting revenge for Nitz boinking his granddaughter? Because no one who actually knows Spanish would ever translate the issue as this one was... Complete and utter garbage; and the story isn't even up to Blue Beetle standards.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
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O04"WELL, IT STARTS WITH "DYNAM", SO WE GOT HALF RIGHT, DIDN'T WE?" (The Dissector #88, 09/23/08)

COMMENT: This was just sloppy... They've since fixed it, but they never even answered my e-mail... ungrateful sods...

TITLE: Zorro Website (Zorro Productions, Inc.).

ISSUE: N/A.

CULPRIT: Unknown.

DISSECTION: Zorro Productions, Inc., thinks that it's Dynamic Forces that's making the comic, instead of Dynamite Entertainment. I've e-mailed both companies (Zorro and Dynamite), to let them know.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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Best Quote:

Those quotes that make you laugh, or go "wow, that's cool"... there where quite a few to choose from, but here are the very best... according tome, of course.
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Q01-"Yes. I am Tesla and you are all Edison. Which means I'll die penniless & alone in a hotel room while obsessively counting my pubes." Warren Ellis, Backmater, Doktor Sleepless #10. (The Dissector #106, 01/13/09)
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Q02-"I. Am. The. New. God. All is one in Darkseid. This mighty body is my church. When I command your surrender, I speak with three billion voices... When I make a fist to crush your resistance. IT IS WITH THREE BILLION HANDS! When I stare into your eyes and shatter your dreams. And break your heart. IT IS WITH SIX BILLION EYES! NOTHING LIKE DARKSEID HAS EVER COME AMONG YOU: NOTHING WILL AGAIN. I WILL TAKE YOU TO A HELL WITHOUT EXIT OR END. AND THERE I WILL MURDER YOUR SOULS! AND MAKE YOU CRAWL AND BEG! AND DIE! DIE! DIE FOR DARKSEID!" Darkseid and his choir of thralls, Final Crisis #5 (The Dissector #105, 01/09/09)
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Q03-"You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!" Jon Webb, Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #53. (The Dissector #103, 01/07/09)
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Q04-"And Chas, no pressure or nothing, but if I and when I ever get back to London, I'm fully expecting to find the same shit-hole that was there when I left-- and not a pile of smoldering ruins, okay?" John Constantine, Hellblazer Presents: Chas-The Knowledge #5. (The Dissector #100, 12/03/08)
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Q05-"You are ejected from the sliding chute like phlegm from and old sailor's nostril." B.A. Felton, Knights Of The Dinner Table #135. (The Dissector #77, 07/24/08)
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Q06-"We're going to burn it all down. Because this is not the future we were promised. And if we can't have that, then we shouldn't have anything at all." Doktor Sleepless, Doktor Sleepless #6. (The Dissector #70, 05/08/08)
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Q07-"Sweetie, I'll make soup with your knickers!" Random gang-banger, Andrea D #1. (The Dissector #60, 03/10/08)
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Q08-"Come on, everybody! There's got to be an abandoned playing card factory around here somewhere." Joker leading his half of the prisoners of the penal planet, Salvation Run #3. (The Dissector #57, 02/26/08)
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Best Moment:

Moments that leave you speechless, or busting your gut with laughter. Hard to choose just one...
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M01-From The Dissector #94 (10/14/08), Norman Osborn makes good use of public exposure, and then, in private, shows us his plans. NORMAN OSBORN FOR PRESIDENT!



M02-From The Dissector #93 (10/7/08), John Constantine shows us what a white Christmas really means (BTW, that thing he snorts are powdered St. Nicholas' bones...):



M03-From The Dissector #87 (09/16/08), Gordo Sheckberry shows that you can join in on paintball wars even while wheelchair-bound... and with style! Also, this moment is the spark that lights the fuse on B.A.'s involvement in the war:



M04-From The Dissector #75 (07/22/08), Norman Osborn again, in a brilliant scene that shows (in an admittedly cliched way, but brilliant nevertheless) how utterly insane he is:



M05-From The Dissector #73 (07/16/08), the return of Barry Allen!


M06-From The Dissector #69 (04/9/08), a Legion Of Super-Heroes multi-page sappy moment that is, nonetheless, great:



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There you are; I’ll keep voting open for two weeks, or possibly a month, if not enough votes come in the first two weeks. Vote, it is your right, so says…

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #105.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

I. Am. The. New. God. All is one in Darkseid. This mighty body is my church. When I command your surrender, I speak with three billion voices... When I make a fist to crush your resistance. IT IS WITH THREE BILLION HANDS! When I stare into your eyes and shatter your dreams. And break your heart. IT IS WITH SIX BILLION EYES! NOTHING LIKE DARKSEID HAS EVER COME AMONG YOU: NOTHING WILL AGAIN. I WILL TAKE YOU TO A HELL WITHOUT EXIT OR END. AND THERE I WILL MURDER YOUR SOULS! AND MAKE YOU CRAWL AND BEG! AND DIE! DIE! DIE FOR DARKSEID!" Darkseid and his choir of thralls, Final Crisis #5

That is one kick-ass evil invasion speech, given by one of the masters of evil invasions... Here we are with the second week of December, 12/10, and since I was too quick to post this column after the last one, nobody caught the DT! from #103, although the Guvnor should gave it a shot. The problem with that panel was that Agent Coulson, played in the Iron Man movie by Clark Gregg, was not blonde, but brown haired. Man, I'm not very fond of Gwyneth Paltrow (she don't do much for me usually); but I sure can't help but looking at her as Pepper Potts and thinking "Man, I would dunk my pepper in her pot anytime..." Uhm, sorry...

Move along, move along.... let's get to The Dissector's Picks Of The Week; Best Book Of The Week was once more Amazing Spider-Man, issue #580. Once again, we get a thinking Peter Parker, who doesn't just punch his way through problems. Worst Book Of The Week was Astonishing X-Men: Ghost Boxes #2; whereas the first one had cool Victorian X-Men, this one has... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.... sorry, I fell asleep. Are we done? Are we ready for the dissections now? Yeah, cool.
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"GHOST WORDS."

TITLE: Astonishing X-Men: Ghost Boxes (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Warren Ellis (writer) and/or Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: I think I was saying something about this book before, but I can't remember... ah, well... Dissection here is that a narration box from Armor says "I wouldn't be around to see..." when it's actually meant to be "I wouldn't want to be around to see..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"OOOH... LET'S MENTION CURRENT EVENTS AND BE TRENDY LIKE BENDIS!"

TITLE: Batman Confidential (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Andrew Kreisberg (writer).

DISSECTION: Now, this is a story that takes place during the early years of the Batman's career; the Joker has just been "discovered", and we get a lot of other signs that squarely places this tale in the beginning of Bruce's time as Batman. Why, then, do we get references to events that happened recently, like the trial of Saddam Hussein?

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"A MEXICAN MAGNETO. THE BAND? NO, PLEASE NO!"

TITLE: Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 07.

CULPRIT: Grant Morrison (writer).

DISSECTION: This book getting a bit better, but there's too much going on and two slowly! On one page, Imán, a Mexican superhero, speaks in Spanish, saying "... mi armadura esta inútil... pesa un tonel... ¿Que hariá Superman?"; which is quite wrong... "my armor is useless" would be "mi armadura es inútil" or "mi armadura está inutilizada", "it weights a ton" would be "pesa una tonelada"; while “What would Superman do?” would be “¿Que haría Superman?”

Not to mention several problems with tilde sizes, which go to the letterer (Travis Lanham), and two words spelled incorrectly by Morrison (“esta” and “hariá” should be “está” and “haría”), of course.

Thanks to Gary Greenwood at The Annotated Final Crisis, and originally to Douglas Wolk at Final Crisis Annotations, for identifying Imán for me. Check out both of their blogs, they're very useful in following this storyline... also, thanks to Gary for spotting a switcheroo of speech bubbles in this issue, he gets a badge and an induction as Ensign into the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ARROWS OF DISSECTION."

TITLE: Green Arrow/Black Canary (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: David Baron (colorist).

DISSECTION: See if you can hit a bullseye with this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TWO-EYES."

TITLE: Nightwing (DC).

ISSUE: 151.

CULPRIT: Hi-Fi (colorist).

DISSECTION: Two-Face's eye, at least on the unscarred of his face, should be blue, instead of brown/red.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MUCHO BUENO!"

TITLE: Secret Six V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: Gail Simone (writer).

DISSECTION: Gail, I know you mean well, but please check with a native speaker before using Spanish dialogues! E-mail me, I'll do it for free and with gusto!!! In this issue, Tarantula says "el juego del gato", apparently meaning "the cat suit", talking about Catman... but "el juego del gato" is "the game of cat" or "the cat game", not "the cat get up" or something like that, which is what Simone apparently tried to say.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. I have seen no indication that Tarantula, despite having a Spanish name (Catalina Flores), speaks Spanish well.
<-------------------------------->
"THAT'S NOT NAMOR!!!"

TITLE: Secret Invasion: Dark Reign (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis (writer).

DISSECTION: Why, pray do tell, is Namor written like a blundering idiot who almost stutters and can't show a shred of dignity when talking to Loki, Emma Frost or others?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TOLDJA, IT AIN'T HIM!"

TITLE: Secret Invasion: Dark Reign (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Alex Maalev (artist).

DISSECTION: KILL ALEX MAALEV!!!! KILL HIM!!! Well, maybe that's too much, but why can't he draw a character the way it's supposed to be? Not only his Namor looks nothing like should (see the Moments Of The Week, although I can't consider it a dissection), but he looks nothing like he looked in the end of Secret Invasion: he has a different hairdo, a different hair length, and beard stubble...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Norman Osborn lost his tie; you can't be President of the USA without a tie!!! Thanks to the Guvnor for noticing these details, badge for him. One more and you make Lt. Cmdr.; Guv!
<-------------------------------->
"GETTING FAMILIAR WITH THE JEDI."

TITLE: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Henry Gilroy (writer).

DISSECTION: A clone commando refers to Ahsoka Tano as "Commander Ahsoka", instead of "Commander Tano".

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"YEAH, I LEFT SOME BIDNEZ THERE."

TITLE: Superman & Batman Vs. Vampires & Werewolves (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: Green Arrow says he's got to return to Seattle... but he hasn't been based there in a long time...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OOOOH! SOMEONE WITH POWERS!!!"

TITLE: Wolverine: Flies To A Spider (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Gregg Hurwitz (writer).

DISSECTION: Wolverine attacks some gangbangers, and one of them phones his boss to say that "... the dude has like, these swords attached to his hands or something. (...) I know it sounds crazy, but this guy's like something outta a comic book." Really? In the Marvel Universe? Where superheroes run around everywhere, and Wolverine was a member of a very public team of Avengers, not to mention all his time on the X-Men? PUH-LEASE!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"A GRAVE MATTER."

TITLE: X-Men/Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Mario Alberti (artist).

DISSECTION: Kraven's grave reads "Kravinov", when it actually should read (as it's been shown before) "Kravinoff".

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, someone tell Alberti that Wolverine's eyes are blue, not brown.
<-------------------------------->
That brings us to an average of 6.3 Bazzars on seventeen dissections; less than I expected. Huh, well... here are the Moments Of The Week. First up, on what would have been a WTF moment back in the day:



I told you! That's not Namor, he was busy so he sent Jean Reno!!! Also, Jean Reno did not read his script, so he doesn't know how Namor's supposed to behave, or who he's met or not:



Of course, he smells like croissant!!! And for the finale, Boosters keeps his sister from changing history... with a little help of Skeets:


It cracks me up, those little robot arms stealing the sketch! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #72.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"This job would be a lot easier if it was more like television. I'd find a clue during a special effects montage, and use it to solve the whole case in under an hour. That, and my assistant would be a beautiful woman in a tight sweater." NYPD Crime Scene Investigator, Witchblade #117.

Well, about a month have passed since I last posted a column, and since I started this one, just putting in the Quote Of The Week... and I'll confess that even if for most of that month I've been swamped with work, this past week I just slacked. So let's see if I can finish this column today. Comics in this column were published on the week of 04/23... I still have two more weeks from April, the whole month of May, and three weeks (soon to be four) from June... Catch up time, yet again.

Thanks to Alejandro Castro, aka "Peter Parker", for this shout out about the Incredible Hulk #118 thing. Moving on to business, Matías, from the ICS.net crew discovered the "Dissect This!", at least partially. John Stewart's wearing gloves instead of bracers. His chest emblem is also wrong, Mat didn't spot that, but he still gets the badge. Welcome to the HDSC, Ensign Matías N.! As it's usual with catch-up times, the Dissector's Picks will be as short and sweet as possible. Best Book Of The Week is Everybody's Dead #2, just chockfull of fun and gore. Worst Book Of The Week is Flash Gordon #0, call me old-fashioned, but it's just horrible how they turned Flash Gordon into a manga. Shoo now, dissections time.
<-------------------------------->
"WELL, IT'S JUST SUPERMAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOT A CLASSIC, RECOGNIZABLE COSTUME."

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Good God, Arcas! How can you work as a comic book colorist and not know that Superman's CAPE emblem is all yellow, not red and yellow like his chest one?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, Fire's name is spelled incorrectly, as usual.
<-------------------------------->
"MULTI-EMPLOYMENT, IT EVEN PLAGUES SUPERHEROES"

TITLE: Countdown To Infinite Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Paul Dini (writer).

DISSECTION: Kyle Rayner and Donna Troy decide to team up again, to go around the galaxy, and yadda-yadda... but this does not mesh at all with Kyle's role in GL Corps, where he LIVES in Oa, and works directly for the Guardians as Guy's new partner in the Honor Guard.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Ray Palmer's eyes are colored blue, when they should be brown.
<-------------------------------->
"LIKE I SAID, JUST SUPERMAN."

TITLE: Death Of The New Gods (DC).

ISSUE: 08 of 08.

CULPRIT: Jim Starling (penciller)

DISSECTION: There's no shield on Superman's cape in one panel, or it's too small because it's covered by a small caption box.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"A PROTEAN NAME, IT CHANGES..."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 66.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Just found this one while checking something for another dissection, I talked about "Proteus" (a Marvel character), when I meant "Prometheus", a DC character.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BACK TO THE FUTURE!"

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 20.

CULPRIT: Dwayne McDuffie (writer).

DISSECTION: Flash (Wally West) says he just "came back from the future". Uh... Dwayne, he didn't go to the future...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IGNORING THE CHANGES, OR SAVE?"

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03.

CULPRIT: Mark Paniccia (editor) and/or Nathan Cosby & Jordan D. White (assistant editors).

DISSECTION: Morph is still not acknowledged as Proteus in the recap page.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FACE ME!"

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 04 of 05.

CULPRIT: David Messina (artist).

DISSECTION: PEOPLE WITHOUT FACES!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Picard's eyes should be brown, not green, and there's a panel where Chief O'Brien's hair looks like it's a wig made of yarn...
<-------------------------------->
"MULTI-TASKING ROBOT."

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 04 of 05.

CULPRIT: Scott & David Tipton (writers).

DISSECTION: Data, who is the Enterprise's Operations and Science officer, is ordered by Picard, and makes analysis about tactical situations, which is a job for the Tactical officer (Worf, in this case).

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WHO'S THAT OLD MAN?"

TITLE: Star Trek: New Frontier (IDW).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Leonard O'Grady (colorist).

DISSECTION: Hash's hair is still colored white, when he's blonde.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, not a dissection (but only after careful considering), why does Admiral Shelby (an ADMIRAL) have a Lt. JG as her second in command? As her adjutant, I could see it, but she should at least have a Lt. Cmdr. or a Cmdr. as her first officer.
<-------------------------------->
"DISSECT THE FORCE!"

TITLE: Star Wars: Legacy (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 22.

CULPRIT: Alan Robinson (artist).

DISSECTION: Check this out, besides the simplified figures, what looks wrong?


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OH, SURPRISE!"

TITLE: Superman/Batman (DC).

ISSUE: 47.

CULPRIT: Michael Green & Mike Johnson (writers).

DISSECTION: Superman is surprised to find a government military unit dedicated to defeating him if he goes rogue, when he faced a similar unit not too long ago in one of his own books.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Wow, I'm back with a vengeance! The average Bazzars for this column is 7.6, in 15 dissections, and the highest average since column 31, back in July, 2007. Statistics out of the way, let's go with the Moments Of The Week. First up, the return of a classic:


OMAC! Then, one of the funny moments that make Everybody's Dead book of the week:


Just one word: LOL! Now, Hulk shows us why he's so incredible:


Then, cloning Doomsday is stupid, what's more stupid?


Cloning him and adding kryptonite! And last, an awesome "viking" moment from Thor and Odin:


Damn. That's it for now, until next week, hope to have a new column in a couple of days. I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #71.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

".... my keen deductive mind says that Arcade is behind this. That and he had his face and name scrawled on the big rock. That was a tip-off." Jamie Madrox, X-Factor V4 #30.

I tried to catch up almost a month ago, and failed, big time. But I'll keep on trying, here's the column for the week of 04/16, and nobody found the answer to the Dissect This! from last column, I'm a bit sad at that. The answer was simple: the writer makes a distinction between android and robot; saying that robots are simple automatons with no free will, and androids are distinguished by having ambition. WRONG! R2-D2 and Johnny 5 are not androids, yet they have free will and aren't simple automatons; while some androids (for example, the animatronics at Disneyworld) that lack free will, or even intelligence. Quickly, The Dissector's Pick Of The Week for Best Book is Hellblazer #243, which reads like classic Hellblazer, and the Worst Book was X-Factor V4 #30... not because it's bad, but because it's not up to par with the usual quality one expects from Peter David (although there's funny moments like this week's quote), and the art is not that much. On with the dissections!
<-------------------------------->
"KRAUT POLICE!"

TITLE: Avengers: The Initiative (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Dan Slott & Christos N. Gage (writers).

DISSECTION: Blitzschlag's German is wrong. And I didn't even need Dominik for this!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"THAT'S NOT OLLIE!"

TITLE: Batman And The Outsiders V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Chuck Dixon (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm sorry, but there's no way Grace can make Green Arrow trip. Yes, she has superpowers (half-Bana Amazon), but Ollie has at least 10-15 years of combat experience on her, plus that time in the island during the missing year.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MARKOVIAN LANGUAGE INSTITUTE."

TITLE: Batman And The Outsiders V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Chuck Dixon (writer).

DISSECTION: This one comes from good ICS.net editor Dominik B.: "When Geoforce escapes from the Chinese missiles, he swears in Markovian, which is a country close to the Russian border. He goes “Zürflackt” and “Våerzelph,“ both of which are supposed to be Markovian obscenities. However, those are, if you have as much as an inkling of knowledge about eastern Europe/Western Asia, you will know that the å is a Scandinavian letter, not used anywhere else in the world. And Z’ürflackt has the ü in it, which is only used in German or the translated versions of Chinese or Arabic languages. However, neither of those countries are anywhere near Russia and given the geographical and geopolitical situation of the area, it’s highly unlikely that the language made it that far. So, Z’ürflackt to you too, Mister Dixon!"

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Badge for you, Dom, two more and you make it to Lt. Cmdr.
<-------------------------------->
"BARRY, BACK SO SOON?"

TITLE: Countdown To Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Tom Chu (colorist).

DISSECTION: Wally West's eyes are colored blue, instead of green as they should.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DYING YOUR HAIR AGAIN, OLD TIMERS?"

TITLE: DC/Wildstorm Dreamwar (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 01 of 06.

CULPRIT: Randy Mayor (colorist).

DISSECTION: Jay Garrick and Ted Grant's hair are colored incorrectly.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"JUSTICE LEAGUE OF DISSECTION."

TITLE: The Flash V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 239.

CULPRIT: Freddie E. Williams II (artist).

DISSECTION: Come on, this one is easy.


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"LEGACY OF A BROKEN KEYBOARD."

TITLE: Iron Man: Legacy Of Doom (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: David Michelinie (writer) and/or Artmonkeys Studios (letterer).

DISSECTION: Snakebyte spotted this one, there's a sentence that goes "You might have mentioned there was a war going on! Doom."; a random use of punctuation.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"YOU CHEETER!"

TITLE: Salvation Run (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 07.

CULPRIT: Sean Chen (penciller).

DISSECTION: Cheeta looks like a regular human, and last I heard, she couldn't transform back.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Coloring errors too; Joker's eyes and Mammoth's hair.
<-------------------------------->
"GALILEO! GALILEO! GALILEO FIGARO!"

TITLE: Star Trek Year Four: Enterprise Experiment (IDW Publishing).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: D.C. Fontana & Derek Chester (writers) and/or Gordon Purcell (penciller).

DISSECTION: The Galileo shuttle is shown here, but being the year 2269, it should be the Galileo II, as the first and second Galileo shuttles (with no numeration in their name) were lost in 2267 and 2268. Good art, and everyone has their department insignia.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OH, I KNOW, HE'S A MUTANT!"

TITLE: Star Trek Year Four: Enterprise Experiment (IDW Publishing).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: D.C. Fontana & Derek Chester (writers).

DISSECTION: What? Arex is a telepath? Since when? Yes, you can come up with this stuff, particularly if you're D.C. Fontana (we're not worthy!)... but never in his many animated series appearances, and handful of novel and comic book appearances has it ever been said that Arex is a telepath... so why start now, just for a cheap plot device, that could have easily been substituted with saying that his species has very sharp senses or something that wouldn't be as blatant as telepathy?

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IF DADDY CLARK USES GLASSES AS A DISGUISE, I'LL DO THE SAME WITH CONTACT LENSES!"

TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 675.

CULPRIT: Comicraft (letterer).

DISSECTION: Artist Jorge Correa Jr. is credited as "Jorgé", which is atrocious.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Chris Kent's eyes are colored green instead of brown.
<-------------------------------->
"NO-EARTH."

TITLE: Tangent: Superman's Reign (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 12.

CULPRIT: Dan Jurgens (writer).

DISSECTION: Again, New Earth is mislabeled "Earth-1".

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WOLBERINE: ORIJINS."

TITLE: Wolverine: Origins (Marvel).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Daniel Way (writer) and/or VC's Cory Petit (letterer).

DISSECTION: Snakebyte, who earns another badge, tells us that this comic uses 'hippocrite" instead of "hypocrite".

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S NOT M, IT'S N."

TITLE: X-Factor V4 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 30.

CULPRIT: Jeromy Cox (colorist).

DISSECTION: Jeromy, Jeromy, Jeromy. M's skin should be dark, not as fair as Siryn's, and her eyes should be black, not light blue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Twice. It's like he doesn't even know what character he's coloring. Also, Cannonball's accent in his story is gone.
<-------------------------------->
"LA WAKANDA, CUBA."

TITLE: X-Men: Divided We Stand (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 02.

CULPRIT: Sana Takeda (artist, "Home").

DISSECTION: The streets of Wakanda's capital city look like a former European colony, including old, 1950s looking cars that make it seem more like Cuba.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Also, Takeda draws a truck with a regular, fossil fuel burning exhaust, he obviously knows nothing about Wakanda.
<-------------------------------->
Twenty-one dissections, and an average of 7.0; not bad. Let's end this column with the Moments Of The Week, first up we've got one of Marvel's true heroes:


Then, Countdown To Final Crisis might not have been as good as 52, but it had cool moments like this fight between Darkseid and Orion:


Cool! Back to Marvel, we learn who that Captain America that the Red Skull and his buddies have in cold storage:


The Grand Director, aka Commie Smasher Captain America! More Marvel, Dum Dum Dugan does it Nick Fury style:


You'll be missed, Dugan. Speaking of old school, everyone knows that even a blind Deadshot is still deadly:


Look at those faces, priceless!!! And to end, it's Marvel's "Who's Killed More Mutants" ranking!


Oh, come on! Bolivar Trask shouldn't be allowed to compete, he's really in league of his own. That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #64.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Pants, then spaceship. In that order." Jaime Reyes (Blue Beetle III) escaping from an alien mothership, Blue Beetle V7 #24.

Still playing catch-up, here are the dissections for the comics released on the week of 02/27, which at least lets us finish with the month of February. That quote up there is one of the reasons I just love the current Blue Beetle book. But more on that later; on another topic, the DT! from last column was not found by any of my readers, so I will reveal it myself. The problem was that the General is not drawn as tall as he should, he should be several feet taller than Bronze Tiger, yet he's just a couple of heads taller.

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow: Best Book Of The Week goes to, as you could guess from above, Blue Beetle V7 #24. John Rogers provide an excellent match of action, drama and humor; along with excellent dialogues; and while Rafael Albuquerque's art is not my cup of tea; it's almost flawless. The ending of this issue is also a great, as you'll see in the Moments Of The Week.

Worst Book Of The Week was Crime Bible: Five Lessons Of Blood. I never liked the art, and while I like Greg Rucka and the Question is one of my favorite characters (at least Vic Sage), Renee Montoya is just not cutting it for me... plus, this last issue, the ending, was just... meh. On to the dissections, then!
<-------------------------------->
"SUPER-DISSECTIVE!"

TITLE: Action Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 862.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer) and/or Rob Leigh (letterer).

DISSECTION: The Legion of Substitute Heroes does not have a hyphen between the last two words.

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar, plus the powers aren't listed properly, as usual.
<-------------------------------->
"THAT'S A FAKE BADGE!"

TITLE: Countdown To Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Tom Derenick (penciller).

DISSECTION: Kyle Rayner's chest emblem is drawn incorrectly.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars, he also drew the Piper's sunglasses wrong again, and Pete Pantazis colored the emblem incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
"ULTIMATE VOLUME."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 63.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Snakebyte correctly pointed out (and gets his sixth badge, making him a Lieutenant) that the current Ultimates book is "The Ultimates 3", and not "The Ultimates 3 V1", as I dubbed it. Not a mistake on my part, but a choice, and a wrong one.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WELD?"

TITLE: Hybrid Bastards (Archaia Studios Press).

ISSUE: 02 of 03.

CULPRIT: Tom Pinchuk (writer) and/or non-credited letterer.

DISSECTION: The word "wield" is spelled as "weild".

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar.
<-------------------------------->
"MARTIAN POWERS."

TITLE: JLA: Classified (DC).

ISSUE: 53.

CULPRIT: Roger Stern (writer).

DISSECTION: Since when can the Martian Manhunter draw strength and mass from the Earth to increase his own?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HE'S TALKING ABOUT UNDERDEVELOPED COUNTRIES."

TITLE: Justice Society of America V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 13.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: Superman (from Kingdom Come) does not know what Gog meant with "Third World"; when he should be familiar with the term "Fourth World" for the New Gods. Heck, at least as a former journalist (or anyone with some education) should know the non-DC meaning of the term.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Also, we have our customary Cyclone costume error (reported by Miss Kitty Fantastico, who just made Lt. Cmdr. in the HDSC!!!!), this time by the colorist, and also, Geoff Johns conveniently forgets that Jimmy Olsen is not just Perry's errand boy.
<-------------------------------->
"KNIGHTS OF THE DISSECTION TABLE."

TITLE: Knights Of The Dinner Table (Kenzer & Co.).

ISSUE: 133.

CULPRIT: Jolly Blackburn and/or Steve Johansson (writers).

DISSECTION: No, you don't have to know anything about KODT to find out this Dissect This! It's not about the plot, in fact, it's not about this comic at all.


DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MICRO LAD!"

TITLE: The Legion of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 39.

CULPRIT: Jim Shooter (writer).

DISSECTION: Colossal Boy powers, in this continuity, are not growing to giant size; he's a giant that shrinks to normal human size.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. There's also a small art error on Francis Manapul's part.
<-------------------------------->
"YOU KNOW HOW ACTRESSES ONLY PRETEND TO BE NAKED IN SOME SCENES?"

TITLE: Ultimate Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 119.

CULPRIT: Stuart Immonen (penciller).

DISSECTION: According to Tylo, at one point, Liz Allen, who's supposed to be naked, is clearly seen to have a sleeve when she's shutting her flame off.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars, as it could be a shadow and the edge of the blanket she's covering herself with.
<-------------------------------->
"ATTACK OF THE FIFTY FOOT RADIOACTIVE MAN!"

TITLE: World War Hulk Aftersmash: Damage Control (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 03.

CULPRIT: Salva Espin (artist). Odd, he's sometimes credited as Salvador Espin, and Marvel.com's own database has the two names as separate people.

DISSECTION: The Radioactive man, who's 6'6", is pictured as being about a feet and a half taller than the Swordsman, who's 5'9". What's odd, is that on the page before, their heights look correct.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars, just for not being able to keep things consistent. Also, Ares has no pupils or irises.
<-------------------------------->
"FROSTY... FROSTY...."

TITLE: X-Men: Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 208.

CULPRIT: David Finch (cover penciller).

DISSECTION: Great, yet another renamed title.... which will go back to calling itself X-Men in a few months....Finch draws the original X-Men in the cover, in their early days; yet he draws Iceman in his "iceman", rather than "snowman" form.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Ohmahgauze; as my friend Jess would say; lowest average ever! 4.1 Bazzars, in nineteen dissections. That'll be tough to beat, considering that the lowest average was 4.6, back in column #14. Now, what's not low is the amount of Moments Of The Week, there's nine, count 'em, nine of them. First up, the Subs attack using a space-bus, and Stone Boy gives the Justice League Of Earth the double-double space bird:

He literally rocks. Next, Batman gets prank calls:

Heh! Then, Blue Beetle surprises us:

For those of you not in the know, those are the magic words that the original Blue Beetle, Dan Garrett, used to activate his powers. Then, Apokolips goes chumbawumba:

Holy shit! Next up, you know how teachers say they have eyes on their back?

Well, Eyefull Ethel has eyes on her rack! We go on with some Star Wars; what are they using to wax Star Destroyer floors?

Or is that Admiral just flexible and likes to show off? More from the Titans, next; somebody raids Wonder Girl's panty drawer.

Uhm... is she still underage? Almost at the end, we get the Asgardians sitting in a town meeting:

Very funny... and last... one of the creepiest things I've seen in comics:

Eww..... really, ewwwwwww!!!!! That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #63.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Stuck in that suit for eternity. Wolfram & Hart's cruelest act yet." Lorne, about Wesley, Angel: After The Fall #4.

Welcome to the column on comics published on 02/20; we're that much closer to catching up! That quote up there is another proof of Joss Whedon's ability to (along with his co-writer, Brian Lynch), to make comics read like an episode of one of his TV shows. The DT! from last column was spotted by the Guvnor, who correctly said that Pied Piper's sunglasses were the wrong shape... badge for him!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week for this particular week were pretty simple. Best Book Of The Week goes to Amazing Spider-Man V1 #551. It has it all, action, humor, and even tragedy. Writer Marc Guggenheim (along with the rest of the Spidey-team: Gale, Slott and Wells), know how to write the characters, and while Salvador Larroca's art is not as good as the weeks we get Phil Jimenez, but with the late Stephane Peru's colors, it doesn't look as static or plastic as Larroca's recent X-Men stuff.

The Worst Book Of The Week? Zorro #1; this new incarnation of the character has potential, with a good writer as Matt Wagner and decent art by Francesco Francavilla, however, Wagner tried to revamp Zorro and his take on the character's origin just doesn't cut it. Wasn't it enough for Diego de la Vega to be an aristocrat that feels the pain of the oppressed populace, did he really have to be a half-native kid who goes on a spirit quest sponsored by his medicine woman grandmother, where he meet s a fox which becomes his spirit totem? Was that mystic hullabaloo really necessary for a character as straightforward as Zorro?

On top of that, Wagner felt the need to have every word in ten be in Spanish; even though the book is written in English? I can understand the occasional "Señor" (although they misspell it) or "Señorita"; as well as the obvious "Zorro", but he really takes it too far. At least Wagner makes Diego's mother a member of the geographically correct Tongva or Gabrielite tribe. Ah well, the book is actually good, except for the language thing, and the mystical element, it's worth reading the next issue. That's it for foreplay, onto the dissections!
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"SQUEEZE THEM ORANGES!"

TITLE: Batman And The Outsiders V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 04.

CULPRIT: Marta Martinez (colorist).

DISSECTION: Grace eyes are not orange; yes, she wears contacts, but not that color. Yes, she could use a different color, but I'm more in line with thinking it's a mistake.

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar.
<-------------------------------->
"HE'S THE WHAT OF A WHAT AND A WHAT?"

TITLE: Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Mark Waid (writer).

DISSECTION: Aquaman is not the son of a surface man and an Atlantean woman.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, all the Atlanteans are missing their fins.
<-------------------------------->
"CHECK MATE."

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 23.

CULPRIT: Greg Rucka (writer) and/or Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: Fire's name, again.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OH, YE GODS!"

TITLE: Countdown To Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Scott Kolins (artist).

DISSECTION: Why do the Greek gods have no pupils? All except one have white, empty orbs. And, can't consider it a dissection; because she wouldn't know, and they could be lying, but the Olympians never gave Mary Marvel her powers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"PLOT MECHANICS."

TITLE: The Flash V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 237.

CULPRIT: Keith Champagne (writer).

DISSECTION: Wally West searches for a job and is told he's under qualified for the positions he applies for, then he whines about not being able to get a job... err... has Champagne forgotten that Wally does know a trade? He is a mechanic, and used to work for the Keystone City Police Department! Yes, I can believe him applying for jobs as a mechanic, or even at the KCPD itself, and getting turned down because... I don't know, lack of available positions, or unreliability (which I doubt since, he probably could finish all his work with a little speed even if he had to disappear for superheroics), but they don't even mention it, and that shows a lack of knowledge of the character you're writer, even if you're a guest scripter.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"DID SHE GO TO THAT CLINIC JACKO WENT TO?"

TITLE: Death Of The New Gods (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 08.

CULPRIT: Jeromy Cox (colorist).

DISSECTION: Valkyra, Orion's first wife, is shown as Caucasian-skinned, but she was black (and mother of Vykin, from the Forever People).

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"HULK SHRINK!"

TITLE: Hulk V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Ed McGuiness (penciller).

DISSECTION: While Ed McGuiness has a style that fits a hulking character like, well, the Hulk, like a glove; either this new red Hulk shifts sizes between panels; or Ed is making some mistakes. First, each of his fingers is the size of Iron Man's torso, and he carries She-Hulk in his best King Kong impression, but then, it's his whole hand that's the size of Iron Man's torso.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars. BTW, I didn't realize this was V3 before.
<-------------------------------->
"SUICIDE DISSECTION."

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 18.

CULPRIT: Ed Benes (penciller).

DISSECTION: Check this out, tell me what's wrong with this picture:


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. There's also a few other errors, pencilling, writing, and coloring, to a total of five for the whole issue. Still, it was a fun issue all in all.
<-------------------------------->
"I DISBELIEVE!"

TITLE: Superman/Batman (DC).

ISSUE: 46.

CULPRIT: Michael Green & Mike Johnson (writers).

DISSECTION: Really, Batman, who's seen lots of things, who even has enemies with mystical powers, does not believe in magic? Please!

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"REBOOT RANT."

TITLE: Superman Confidential (DC).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: B. Clay Moore (writer), DC editorial.

DISSECTION: Well... I was going to rant about how Superman builds Jimmy Olsen's signal watch, instead of Jimmy himself... but really, I have to accept that DC has decided to throw out all pre-Infinite Crisis continuity and just begin anew; Confidential was supposed to tell "untold stories", but now they're just redoing his past.... I can't consider this a dissection, but I'm just pissed.

If Infinite Crisis was a reboot, just come the fuck out and say it, don't go the Marvel route as they are doing with "X-Men: First Class"! I'll hate the reboot, but I'll eventually learn to live with it (such as people older than me learned to live with Byrne's reboot of Supes). But just say it.

DISSECT-O-METER: N/A.
<-------------------------------->
"MACNETO."

TITLE: The Ultimates V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Jeph Loeb (writer) and/or Richard Starkings (letterer).

DISSECTION: Magneto's name (fake or otherwise) is Erik Lehnsherr, not Eric Lensherr (even in the Ultimate universe).

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"SOUR MILK."

TITLE: The Umbrella Academy (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Gerard Way (writer) and/or Gabriel Bá (artist).

DISSECTION: The book ends with Spaceboy making himself a sandwich, and on the table there's a milk carton showing 00.05 as missing; the problem is, he disappeared 20 years ago...

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"YOUNGER WOMAN!"

TITLE: Wonder Girl (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Sanford Greene (penciller).

DISSECTION: Why does Helena Sandsmark look as young as her daughter, and nothing as she should?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACAÑACA!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer) and/or Simon Bowland (letterer).

DISSECTION: You know what I think of this book already, so let's get straight to the dissections (plenty of them, and yes, most related to their use of Spanish). The first one is from the first page, while the name Gonzales, ending in "S" is a Portuguese, and not Spanish name, I can allow it, since it's possible there's someone there with Portuguese blood... but the word for "sir" or "mister" in Spanish is "señor"; not "senor".

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. And they do it every single time the word "señor" is called for.
<-------------------------------->
"MOTHER..."

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: "Mother of God" is "Madre DE Dios", not "Madre Dios".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"THIS IS THE LA COLUMNA OF EL DISECTOR!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm sorry, if the comic is in English, and we're reading the dialogues translated from Spanish, why is there a need to have them utter a word every five in Spanish? We get it, it's California from when the Spanish owned it, we don't need you saying "pueblo", "siesta", "alcalde" and "caballero" every damn panel!

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars, it really is a stylistic choice, but it's a bad one.
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That's it, 23 dissections, an average of 5.4 Bazzars... lower than I expected. Just two Moments Of The Week this time around; first up, Zatanna casts the spell we all want her to cast on us:


And Batman's answer is great! Next up, Ultimate Wolverine is cold....


Remember Mad's "Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions"? That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

PS: Happy St. Patrick's day!