Showing posts with label Beast. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Beast. Show all posts

Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Dissector #182.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"''Smoking while pregnant may seriously harm your baby's health'' I make a point of only buying packets with this warning... I figure the odds are it won't affect me. Though with my lifestyle, I can't rule it out." John Constantine, Hellblazer: City Of Demons #1.

Eventually, I will catch up... but not right now. Here's the column for comics released on 10/13 (mostly), so let's get on with it. Last column's DT!, or at least the gist of it, was cracked by Donald313... the problem is that the timeline in that Fantastic Four scene didn't fit. The problem is with the sliding timescale. The Fantastic Four got their powers at most 15 years ago; so if you make this 20 years ago, having Sue be 19 then and 39 now (a big stretch, because she shouldn't be 39, in Marvel's terms), sound files being something so outlandish would be stupid. There were other sound file formats in 1990; not mp3s exactly yet, at least not yet public; but the tech has existed for a long time... plus, they're wearing bell bottoms... both of them... I mean, you could have just worded the scene differently to achieve the same result, without fucking up continuity, know what I mean?

Now, The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are the following: Best Book Of The Week was Iron Man Legacy #7; good script by Fred Van Lente, nice art by Steve Kurth. I enjoy seeing The Pride in action, and Iron Man building himself up from his own broken pieces. Worst Book Of The Week? Well, Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Outsiders... geez, this series of one-shots is a failure. Bruce Wayne wearing power armor? The armor doesn't even have consistent powers or limits across the different one-shots; and how could anyone who knows Bruce be unable to notice it's him in that "Insider" suit? FOR GOD'S SAKE, HE'S GOT BAT-BLADES IN HIS GLOVES, A YELLOW UTILITY BELT, AND EVEN SORT-OF-BATARANGS!!! Worst of all, having read all the books now; only Katana, Oracle, and R'as notice on their own? Yes, the others suspect something, but Dick would notice faster than any of the others... The Outsiders book in particular has very bad art, and the writing, like in the rest of this series, leaves a lot to be desired.

The Rundown: The Amazing Spider-Man Presents: Black Cat (writer and editors retracted themselves from this, but in previous issues they'd referred as Felicia Hardy's dad as "The Cat", when he never used that or any codename... except, and they didn't mention this, in the Spider-Man animated series of the 90s...), Angel Vs. Frankenstein II ("incnetive" cover?), B.P.R.D.: Hell On Earth New World (why announce a new numbering if you keep the old?), Booster Gold V2 (Zamarons are not yellow-skinned humans... not even before revealing their true shape), Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Catwoman (Selina's eyes are colored incorrectly), Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Outsiders (all signs and writing in Markovia is in English), Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Batman And Robin ("niow" instead of "now"), Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Batgirl (Damian is not a public member of the Wayne family, he shouldn't be making public appearances with them), Captain America: Forever Allies (inconsistent lettering in the "next month" page), Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors (wrong badges and rings), Incredible Hulks (Beast looks wrong), Iron Man: Titanium! (accented letters), JSA 80-Page Giant 2010 (several costume and hair and eye coloring errors), Shadowland (someone should teach artists how sai are gripped), Spike: The Devil You Know (San "Fransisco"?), Strange Tales II (Wolverine's eyes should be blue, not brown), Superman V1 (Perry's eyes are colored wrong), Titans V2 (I understand giving Ray Palmer blue eyes, even though they should be brown... but blond hair? Also, Arsenal's eyes are wrong, and Batman's belt and gloves), Untold Tales Of Blackest Night (Hal's badge, and... since when is Donna Troy Cassie Sandsmark's mentor?), Warlord Of Mars (the writer can't keep the names of the Martian characters right), X-Men V3 (sai grip, dammit, sai grip).
<-------------------------------->
"SHOW ME THE SHAPE OF YOUR... TRACER."

TITLE: Bruce Wayne: The Road Home - Red Robin (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Fabian Nicieza (writer) and/or Ramon Bachs (penciller).

DISSECTION: Not a bad issue; but nothing to write home about. My problem? The tracer Dick planted on Vicki Vale's bag was NOT shaped like a bat, yet now, for this series of one-shots, it is.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"NEW DISSECTION FOREVER."

TITLE: New Mutants Forever (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Al Rio (penciller).

DISSECTION: So, what gives?


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"... THE SIZE OF MANHATTAN."

TITLE: New Mutants Forever (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer).

DISSECTION: From the same man that gave us a Starjammer starship the size of Manhattan, and a coal-powered diesel train engine... now Warlock's made of "the primal substance of a star" and able to survive "temperatures hoter than the surface of the sun"??!?!?! Since when??!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Poppycock, Chris, poppycock. Also, there are several small accented letters, and I will NOT go with your "Nova Roma is in the Andes" idiocy, Chris.
<-------------------------------->
"THE UNWRITTEN CREATED BY MIKE CARREY AND PETER GROSE."

TITLE: The Unwritten (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 18.

CULPRIT: Mike Carey (writer).

DISSECTION: It's a story about writing and writers; and a journalist says "Hunter S. Thomson" instead of "Thompson"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I'M A BEAST, I DON'T UNDERSTAND TECHNOLOGY."

TITLE: X-Campus (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Francesco Artibani (writer) or Luigi Mutti (translator).

DISSECTION: "Gigaterabytes of nanites"? What? You either have gigabytes, or terabytes... and nanites are physical nanobots; not information, data... which is what you measure in bytes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars each. Beast also refers to "the Sanskrit", and Logan's eyes are colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
"MEDICAL SCIENCE, WHO CARES?"

TITLE: X-Campus (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Roberto Di Salvo (writer) or Luigi Mutti (translator).

DISSECTION: You can't have "anemic hemorrhage", you can have "hemorrhagic anemia". The term they used makes no medical sense.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
That's odd... despite several "10" ratings, the average was only 6.8 Bazzars in fifty dissections. Well, not important. Now, Cover Of The Week, from Tomb Of Terror, by Travel Foreman and Nathan Fairbairn:


Good job evoking the covers of those old horror books. Now, Moments Of The Week, first up Brainiac 5 does think of others:


Not too highly, but he does... Next, a robot with a sense of humor:


... and the correct laughter. Then, where is the Council Of The Spiders hiding?


My own backyard? Next, John Constantine, good neighbour:


He takes care of your mom! And Tony Stark...


pwnd! And who's Doctor Fate cribbin’ from?


Dr. Strange? Shame on you, Fate. And to finish this column, a peak at Kate Beaton's hilarious Spidery/Craven story for Strange Tales II:


I just love the faces she draws... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Dissector #172.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"The Phoenix Force is a crazy powerful cosmic firebird entity that for some reason seems to be attracted to earthbound redheads (I can relate)." Spider-Man, Astonishing Spider-Man & Wolverine #2.

Let's make this quick, so I can be caught-up (only to end up late again, but that's another matter). This is the column for books released on 07/14, and I just noticed that I hadn't mentioned the release date covered by a column in some time. The DT! from last column was cracked by Sidney, who correctly pointed out that Sarge Steel's hands had both been colored the same, without regard for his artificial hand.

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week: Best Book Of The Week was Captain America/Black Panther: Flags Of Our Fathers #4; good ending to a WWII-era adventure, which are always welcome in my reading list. Worst Book Of The week was Doc Savage #4, conclusion to the storyline; with art more rushed than previous issues, completely out of place with the book, and a jumbled plot that provided absolutely no entertainment.

The Rundown: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (one of the Kravens is surprised that Spidey dodges a bullet, at one point Araña's name is misspelled "Añya", her shoes are colored incorrectly, she says she used to wear shorts, her "Ñ"s are all smaller than they should be, and the letter column Spidey-logo separators are pasted on top of text), Avengers Academy (inconsistent lettering in the credits page, accented letters), Batgirl V3 ("feelings" instead of "feeling"), Booster Gold V2 (the kid Booster brought from the future looks like a midget, Rip's eyes and hair are colored wrong), Comic Book Guy: The Comic (when you put up a video on the web, it's an "upload", not a "download"), The Expendables (accented letter), The Unwritten (accented letter), World War Hulks: Spider-Man Vs. Thor (Iceman's hair should be blond, not brown), X-Force Sex And Violence (Domino's skin turns normal for a page), X-Men: Hellbound (accented letters).
<-------------------------------->
"DISSECTION CLUBHOUSE."

TITLE: Adventure Comics V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 516.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: Come on, this one's for Legion fans:


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BIRDS OF DISSECTION."

TITLE: Birds Of Prey V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 03.

CULPRIT: Ed Benes & Adriana Melo (pencillers).

DISSECTION: Hawk smashes the front of a tank, and pages later, the tank is unharmed.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ULTRA LACKING."

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V6 (DC).

ISSUE: 03.

CULPRIT: Paul Levitz (writer).

DISSECTION: Ultra Boy's power listing is incomplete... but I have to retract from the Marzal dissection from last issue, as it seems it's been removed from Earth... even then, if it's in another dimension and not just in another part of Earth, it's not Earth per se. Sidney, you're not losing a badge, don't worry.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, Projectra's eyes are colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
"COLD."

TITLE: Titans V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Eric Wallace (writer).

DISSECTION: Facade, according to Deathstroke, doesn't have a heat signature, which means "he was just as much machine as he was man". Uhm... 1) Why wouldn't a machine be able to have a heat signature? It's not a vampire. 2) Why would, in a metahuman-riddled world, not having a heat signature mean it's a machine (accepting that's a defining characteristic of robots)? Couldn't it be a vampire? *grins*

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HEROIC DICTIONARY."

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men: The Heroic Age (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: "Mutantcy", despite being part of a Darkwing Duck episode title, is not a word. And I'm pretty sure Mr. Fantastic would know that fact, and not use the term.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. There are other errors too; Beast is drawn by Steve Sanders as a Bothan again; Molly Hayes speaks of "that girl who came back" (Hope) that "everybody's talking about" (everybody who? Hope's story is most likely not known by the general public, and it's not like Molly hangs out at Utopia); the Thing is wearing boots; and Rogue's eyes are colored brown instead of green. Also, not a dissection, but why the hell is Cyclops killing dinosaurs willy-nilly in the Savage Land to blow off steam? It's completely out of character.
<-------------------------------->
"WORLD WAR WHU?"

TITLE: Hulk V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 20.

CULPRIT: Jeph Loeb (writer).

DISSECTION: I just noticed this in World War Hulks: Captain America Vs. Wolverine #1, and I was going to blame writer Paul Tobin and artist Jacopo Camagni... but then I noticed this was actually a problem caused by Loeb's writing... I can't even blame Ed McGuinness (Hulk penciller).

Captain America (Barnes) and Wolverine get hulked up... right? All, or almost all of the heroes involved in this crossover got bombarded by gamma rays and hulked out. Okay? So, apart from how inane this plot is... how do gamma rays mutate Barnes' cybernetic arm (augmenting its size and making it grow spikes) and Wolverine's claws (changing their shapes and making them look as if they're made out of bone)? Not to mention the rest of Logan's adamantium-covered skeleton, or whatever other implants Cap might have (related to the arm or not).

If you really wanted to hulk out the heroes, gamma radiation isn't enough. Thor affected by gamma rays? Come on... Loeb should have included some sort of reality warping element (like the Marvel U is short on those) to the equation...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IT WAS THE FIFTIES, HE GAVE THEM A NICE POLISHED FINISH."

TITLE: World War Hulks: Captain America Vs. Wolverine (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 02.

CULPRIT: Jacopo Camagni (penciller).

DISSECTION: Thought you were off the hook, Jacopo? Sorry, no. Wolverine, in the 50s, did not have metal claws. The adamantium implants are more recent.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Writer Tobin doesn't go blameless either; Wolverine acts like a gigantic wuss while being tortured with some knives, acid and pepper. That's Camagni's fault too, as are the mistakes on Cap's costume. Oh, and Wolverine has not been implanted with unbreakable bones and claws; his already existing skeleton (claws included) were bonded with adamantium. There is a difference, and anyone working on X-Men comics should know it... particularly when making a book about Wolverine.
<-------------------------------->
"KOLOSS."

TITLE: X-Men: Second Coming (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Zeb Wells (writer, chapter one).

DISSECTION: Ezequiel earns a badge by letting me know (before I read the book, I'm SURE I would have caught this) that Colossus answers Beast's "Are you ready?" question with "Ja"... Yo, Zeb... Colossus is Russian... the German guy is Nightcrawler. Piotr would probably answer "Da"... And if I wrote the X-Men, or any other comic with non-English speakers in it who carry out conversations in English with English speakers, he'd say "yes". Except for specific phrases, or impulsive utterances (like cursing, pet names, or religious matters), people who know the language well don't just inject random foreign words into their conversations with people who don't speak their native language.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. On that same chapter, Hellion's arms both look like they were severed from the wrist up; when his right forearm was severed almost completely.
<-------------------------------->
"WRONG COMPANY."

TITLE: X-Men: Second Coming (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Terry Dodson (penciller, chapter four).

DISSECTION: Namor should not have calf fins... those are the DC Atlanteans.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Namor's eyes should be grey, not blue.
<-------------------------------->
"IN-VISIBLE."

TITLE: X-Men Forever 2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer) and Tom Grummett (penciller).

DISSECTION: Rogue's invisibility to technology (thanks to Roma) is that: invisibility. Not "blurribility"...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, "Prognosis: Minimal" from a Sentinel is a completely nonsensical sentence.
<-------------------------------->
Now, forty-four dissections leave us with an average of 6.5 Bazzars; fully within normal parameters. Cover Of The Week is again for Darwyn Cooke's piece for The Murder Of King Tut; this time for the second issue:


Simplicity, beauty, adequate to the subject, yet not derivative. Moments Of The Week! Don't mess with the Black Panther:


You hear that, ratzi? Now, the X-Men get recognized as heroes:


Or at least Cyclops does... until the next time any mutant screws up, and the whole Marvel Universe Earth blames it on them! Next, while Scott Pilgrim's final volume was not all I expected, it was still fun, and provided us with classic Scott moments:


WIS 5... From the ashes of Second Coming rises the new X-Force:


... where everybody, including Archangel/Angel/Whateverthefuckwarrenwantstocallhimselfthis week needs BIG FUCKING GUNS! God, I'm having 90s flashbacks... Speaking of Second Coming:


Yeah, I didn't see that coming, at least not so soon... but it's neat. You know what's not neat?


Being cheap on art for a licensed book... Stargate: Blow Up Dolls: The Comics. Now, the Grim Hunt is over, and Spidey went a bit bad-ass on Lady Kraven:


Damn, that's gotta hurt... Well, she'd killed his clone, so he was pissed:


That's a nice touch on Pete's part... too bad it doesn't stick:


Dead is dead, of course. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Dissector #167.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"You've probably noticed a teenager in the building lording over you, treating everyone as if they have the mental capacity of toast. No, not me--the other one." Amadeus Cho, Heroic Age: Prince Of Power #2.

And here's another week, more or less in time. Last week's DT! was spotted, just in the nick of time, by David, who correctly pointed out the fact that Colonel Nazi's medals seem to be placed just on his ribcage, and not in any sensible place for military medals. Badge for you, and welcome to the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps, Ensign David!

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are pulp, completely. One is a good example, however, and the other one is... crap. The Best Book Of The Week is Tom Strong And The Robots Of Doom #1; the return of Tom Strong to comics is an occasion of joy, and while writer Peter Hogan is not Alan Moore, he seems to be able to carry on... and well, Chris Sprouce is made for this book... well, he made this book. On the other hand, you have DC's Doc Savage #3... It's been just barely passable until now, but this issue's script was a mess, all over the place, characters don't have their own voices, the action is confusing... writer Paul Malmont is slipping, and he wasn't standing very tall to begin with. And Howard Porter's art is irregular, and too manga-inspired to be appropriate for Doc Savage... not only that, but look at the faces he draws. That's from issue #2; #3's art is marginally better, it was actually Malmont's writing that made me choose it as a Worst Book Of The Week... JG Jones covers, however, could win Cover Of The Week any time now... just not this week, sorry.

The Rundown: Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis (Emma is shorter than Wolverine, basically a midget, McCoy says "mutant pathology" instead of "physiology", Storm not only has a mohawk, but the mohawk has a pony tail that's two meters long... she didn't have that last issue, Emma's hair is super long too, Storm's eyes are white when she's not using her powers, Beast looks like a bulldog, and Armor's eyes should be blue), Avengers Academy ("iriduim" instead of "iridium", Reptil's eyes should be green, not blue), Batman (Riddler's hair should be black, and while awesome-looking, the Batcave plans included at the end of the book look absolutely nothing like what's actually shown in the comics), Captain America V1 (how is Fixer with Zemo?), Doom Patrol V5 (a caduceus as a medical symbol, accented letter), The Expendables (horrible Spanish, accented letter), Heralds (She-Hulk's hairstyle is nothing like it's currently, accented letter), Justice League: Generation Lost ("da Costa", not "Dacosta", Captain Atom's boots should be blue), Kato (Naoko is a female name, and a guy is called that by Kato), Meta4 (another caduceus...), Outsiders V4 (Alfred's full head of hair is nothing like he's shown in other books), Titans V2 (Deathstroke's boots are wrong), Ultimate Avengers 2 ("Leanord" instead of "Leonard"), Ultimate Comics Spider-Man (JJJ's eyes are brown on the cover, yet correctly blue on the cover), X-Men: Hellbound (accented letter), X-Men Forever 2 (it's "tesseract", not "tesserect", Chris; accented letters, and Ororo's eyes are white while not using her powers), Young Allies (Spanish, accented letters).
<-------------------------------->
"A KISS UNDER THE MISTLETOE."

TITLE: Heroic Age: Prince Of Power (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Greg Pak & Fred Van Lente (writers).

DISSECTION: Vali Halfling menaces Hebe with "mistletoe bullets"? I'm sorry, but that's lazy... I mean, I'm pretty sure they know that mistletoe only harmed Balder in the Norse myths because it didn't sign the same agreement all living creatures had signed... even if you say it's specially enchanted mistletoe... it's wrong, it's like using specially enchanted kryptonite to kill DC's Captain Marvel... Use something from the Greek myths, come on.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

TITLE: The Rawhide Kid V4 (Marvel)

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Ron Zimmerman (writer).

DISSECTION: Cristo Pike makes a reference to "Tonto", and the context he makes it in doesn't make it seem like anything but a reference to the Lone Ranger's companion...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, the word "comanchero" is wrongly spelled "commanchero"; and in a weird scene, Rahwide Kid enters the town jail to find Annie Oakley inside a cell... but then she's outside or he's inside or something and it's very weird...
<-------------------------------->
"HAB SOSLI' QUCH!"

TITLE: Star Trek: Leonard McCoy, Frontier Doctor (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: John Byrne (writer).

DISSECTION: Sum qeylIS 'etlh, John Byrne! There is no Klingon emperor in the time period you're writing your comics!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"X-MEN: SECOND DISSECTING."

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 525.

CULPRIT: Terry Dodson (penciller).

DISSECTION: An impenetrable force field surrounds the San Francisco area, and while Reed Richards and Tony Stark put their minds to bringing it down, Thor and The Thing put their might to it. But what's wrong with this picture?


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Reed Richards' eyes and Dr. Nemesis' hair are colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
Well, a 7.1 Bazzars average in 45 dissections... pretty high, as things go... but that was to be expected this time around. Now, Cover Of The Week is this wonderful Chris Sprouce pencilled cover, with Karl Story on inks, and Carrie Strachan on colors:


Just... beautiful. The Moments Of The Week are exactly five, and here goes the first one:


You see, Hank Pym's not one of my favorite characters, but I like him when he's well written. Then, Bendis and Lafuente know how to balance humor with drama and action in Ultimate Spidey... and here's some humor:


Hehehe... Then, Ted McKeever's Meta4 had just the right amount of weirdness, but without resorting to excessive oneiric crap like other writers do. The cover, however, made me think of El Eternauta a bit:


I don't know, I wonder if Ted has read El Eternauta. Now, back to Marvel, Spider-Man and Dr. Strange compare notes:


This was a pretty oneiric LSD trip mini, but readable, and this part made me smile. But this made me laugh:


Tanjing funny! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Dissector #154.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"This station will be ground up with your bones into the finest powder which we will snort in our victory orgy." Drenx commander, S.W.O.R.D. #5.

Welcome to the column for comics released on 03/10; and let me start off by saying that Donald313 noticed correctly that in last week's DT! Hal Jordan was wearing white boots. Badge for you, my friend, and thank you for the kind e-mail you sent me.

Now, The Dissection's Picks Of The Week: Best Book Of The Week was R.E.B.E.L.S. #14; great end to the Starro storyline; and a book that shows DC's space setting and characters at its best; as opposed to the latest Mystery In Space stuff which was just plain boring while trying to be "cosmic". Worst Book Of The Week was X-Men: Pixie Strikes Back #2... cute girly art, but weak writing; Kathryn Immonen confuses "oneiric" with "senseless wacky story with demons". More or less like the second Seaguy mini by Grant Morrison, "Slaves of Mickey Eye".

Now, your Rundown! Batgirl V3 (Wendy's eyes are colored incorrectly, Stephanie's eyes are blank, then are colored incorrectly), Batman: The Widening Gyre (gigantic bat ears), Cable V2 (Wolfsbane's eyes are colored incorrectly), Dark X-Men (Spider-Man's eyes are colored blue), Doom Patrol V5 (a character is missing her face for no reason in a panel), Ghost Projekt (pointless alternating of Russian and English, without translation brackets), The Human Target (wrong use of the Italian language), Lockjaw And The Pet Avengers Unleashed (wrong character design on Lockheed), The Mystic Hands Of Doctor Strange (accented letter), Powers V3 (a Nazi says "Hiel Hitler", and someone says "you're" instead of "your"), Red Robin (Alfred is shown as if living at Wayne Manor), S.W.O.R.D. (Beast still looks like a Bothan, and he also gets one toe less than he should), Superman: Last Stand Of New Krypton (Sensor Girl's gloves are too short), Web Of Spider-Man V2 (Silverback is probably an old villain of Spider-Girl, but Don "Silvo"?!?!? I'm sorry, "Silvo" is not a person's name, for God's sake, it's a metal polishing product. Try "Silvio".), Wolverine: Savage (Wolverine has slightly sharp canines, not vampire teeth), Wolverine: Mr. X (Norman's eyes). Go on to the dissections, now.
<-------------------------------->
"D.R.B.P.?"

TITLE: B.P.R.D.: King Of Fear (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Guy Davis (artist).

DISSECTION: The "D" of BPRD in a downed plane is missing it's lower right corner, just barely. Then by the next panel, the lower half of the letter and a corner of the (previously untouched) "R" are missing, causing Liz to say she can't make out the last letter at all.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BREAKING COMICS."

TITLE: Breaking Into Comics The Marvel Way! (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 02.

CULPRIT: Kathyrn Immonen (writer) and/or Serena Ficca (artist), Runaways story.

DISSECTION: By all means, if you're an artist, just shimmy up to an editor at a convention or publish your stuff on your DeviantArt page or some other internet site and we'll see it and you will break into comics!!! Even if you're from the ass-end of the world, you'll get published, no matter if you're awesome like Yildiray Cinar, or a completely talentless hack like Javier Aranda.

But if you're a writer, well, then, (almost) actual words by an editor: "publish your own comic books and we'll take notice of you". Real fair for writers, huh? Am I being bitter? Slightly. Am I doing something about it? Yes, making comics. And complaining.

In any case, apart from Spider-Man's chest emblem being wrong on the cover, and half of the characters in this book having their eyes colored incorrectly, the worst dissection here is having Karolina of the Runaways use her powers as if she was a Green Lantern. Yes, her beams can be concussive if she wants; but she cannot hold down someone with them as if she had a power ring.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. No idea how Cinar and Aranda actually broke into comics, they're just examples.
<-------------------------------->
"ARE YOU LOST? NEED A MAP?"

TITLE: Detective Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 862.

CULPRIT: Cully Hamner (penciller).

DISSECTION: A map of the DC Earth (New Earth) is shown, and many of the fictitious countries are missing.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Batman's gloves are wrong, and Huntress' eyes are green first, then blue (correct color).
<-------------------------------->
"I MEANT THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WROTE."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 153.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I made two small mistakes in the previous column; I wrote "he doesn't actually have enhanced reflexes" when I wanted to say that Timber Wolf actually has enhanced reflexes, and "in a nod Projectra´s original costume", missing the word "to". Both were spotted by Donald313, who reaches the rank of Lt. Commander! Glückwünsche, Herr Korvettenkapitän! (And yeah, that German might be wrong.)

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars for the Timber Wolf one, 3 for the Projectra one.
<-------------------------------->
"THE RISE AND FALL OF PAYING ATTENTION TO THE CHARACTERS YOU'RE WRITING AND DRAWING IN A STORY."

TITLE: Justice League: Rise And Fall Special (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: JT Krul (writer).

DISSECTION: How can Green Arrow say that the heroes considered Prometheus "kind of a joke", when he'd shown he was a villain to be reckoned with?

Plus, there's a gigantic amount of art and coloring errors in this book, enough for their own mini-rundown: Batman's cowl is colored incorrectly, his gloves and emblem is wrong, then changes to another wrong emblem, and the emblem on his belt is wrong; Hal Jordan's badge is wrong, his gloves shouldn't have visible seams, and his mask alternates between having white lenses and letting you see his eyes; Wally West's new costume shouldn't have wings on its boots, and Black Canary's costume is colored wrong. And when you thought the errors are over, here comes the faux newspaper piece where Batman's gloves are wrong again, Mr. Terrific is inexplicably not wearing a shirt under his leather jacket, Judomaster is a huge muscular man, Hal Jordan's badge is wrong, and Congorilla is the size of a small Winnebago.

On an interesting note, my friend Kal and I were discussing how dumb it is to be making a fuss about Red Arrow losing an arm, when there advanced cybernetics technology in the DCU; both of Earth and alien origin... we even said "Why, Cyborg is supposed to be his friend..." and then we noticed Cyborg examining an arm right in Roy's room... Of course, seeing the previews for "The Rise Of Arsenal" (here, and here), it was kind of predictable. Oh, of course, he has a metal arm, so he must wear no shirt, or a short-sleeved one to show it off... How Cable of him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SPEARHEAD DISSECTION."

TITLE: The Twelve: Spearhead (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Chris Weston (writer/penciller).

DISSECTION: Now, this one was obvious to me, but then again, I'm the Dissector, am I not?


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. There are other dissections too, Nick Fury's eye (he just lost the other one) is colored blue first, then correctly as brown; and Captain America's forehead "A" is shown with a military style stencil font on his mask.. it's never been that way.
<-------------------------------->
Like was to be expected, there was a 6.2 Bazzars average in the fifty-five dissections we had. Now, the Cover Of The Week will make seem like I'm being repetitive at best, or a bootlicker at worst:


Yes, Mrs. Jelena Djurdjevic once again! Now she shows us that she doesn't just paint pretty ladies, she can paint some pretty scary monsters too... Moments Of The Week; first up, Superboy & The Legion Of Super-Heroes arrive on New Krypton!


Now, Pete Woods would not have been my choice for artist on Last Stand, but you know me, I'm a sucker for Legion moments. Then, the A-Team stars in a prequel to their upcoming movie:


Not for being a classic something can't be a good MoT, right? I loved this next one:


Pimp slap! Still in Marvel, someone finally calls Iron Fist on his shoes:


Could have been worse, he could have been wearing the slippers... And last, still within the Marvel Universe, Peter Parker gets what he deserves:


Whether he deserves it for faking a photo, or for helping JJJ, that's still to be seen... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The Dissector Special #08: Autopsy Awards 2009 Winners.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)


Thank you all for voting; here are your choices (and mine, hey, I voted first!) for the Autopsy Awards 2009:
<-------------------------------->
Best Writing Dissection:

Without a doubt, and by a landslide (73% of votes), the winner is:

W01-"RED LIGHTNING!" (The Dissector #108, 01/21/09)

COMMENT: This was a bit surprising; since James Robinson is a good writer, and this is not just sloppy science, but sloppy comic book reading comprehension.

TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 683.

CULPRIT: James Robinson (writer).

DISSECTION: Black Lightning uses his powers against a Kryptonian by surrounding him with lightning and then... CHANGING THE LIGHTNING'S COLOR TO RED, THEREFORE RENDERING THE KRYPTONIAN POWERLES??!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Robinson, Kryptonians are powerless under RED SUNLIGHT, not RED ELECTRICITY!!! Black Lightning has ELECTRIC POWERS not SOLAR POWERS!!!

Robinson also has Starfire absorbing the yellow solar radiation from the Kryptonians to leave them powerless. This, while a stretch of her powers (she never had such control, her solar energy absorption is usually just passive), it's not absurd like what he does with Black Lightning's powers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. No less.
<-------------------------------->
Best Art Dissection:

Not as comfortable a win (37% of the votes):

A04-"IN-TER-NA-TIO-NAL." (The Dissector #141, 11/27/09)

COMMENT: The level of ignorance involved in this dissection is simply disheartening.

TITLE: War Machine V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Wellinton Alves (penciller).

DISSECTION: This is even worse, because if you want to justify the previous dissection, you can always claim "things are different in the Marvel Universe!". In this case, however, there is no excuse. Jim Rhodes stands before a single judge (something that never happens in the ICC as far as I was able to ascertain) in an ICC courtroom (that looks nothing like the real ones)... and there's a US flag to the side of the judge and a US seal behind her.

Why? Why the hell would you do that Alves? INTERNATIONAL. CRIMINAL. COURT. INTERNATIONAL!!!

INTER-FUCKING-NATIONAL!!!

I can understand an American, with the (no offense meant to my American readers) general sense of being the center of the world US citizens have, starting with the fact that they call themselves "Americans", as if they were the only residents of the American continent. But a Brazilian artist? Please Wellinton, use the internet, do some research... Typing three worlds and clicking on three links I found this 360º photographic virtual tour of one of the ICC. And even if you didn't HAVE an internet connection, why in the name of Khan Noonien Singh would you think of putting US symbols in the INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT??!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Of course, there are eye color mistakes and other stuff.
<-------------------------------->
Best Coloring Dissection:

There wasn't a lot going on in this category:

C04-"DISSECTION MACHINE!" (The Dissector #138, 11/06/09)

COMMENT: The problem here was that the woman is James Rhodes' mother; and she's a black woman... not in the picture.

TITLE: War Machine V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Jay David Ramos & Michael Bartolo (colorists).

DISSECTION: Come on, this one is very simple:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Norman's eyes. And please, bring Leonardo Manco back to this book...
<-------------------------------->
Best Lettering Dissection:

Another majority (50%):

L04-"RŒD TORNADŒ" (The Dissector #132, 09/14/09)

COMMENT: Just sloppy.

TITLE: Red Tornado V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 6.

CULPRIT: Sal Cipriano (letterer).

DISSECTION: Okay, this book is only slightly less exciting than the Magog book; but at least it's a mini. The Magog book can only be explained by Keith Giffen wanting to write him and DC letting him... What's the dissection here? Well, Penciller José Luís is credited with an accent in his last name on the cover (while other books have credited without it; the Brazilian spelling has an accent while the Spanish spelling doesn't, and I don't know if he's Brazilian or Hispanic). I can't really confirm a dissection there, and I'm inclined to believe he's Brazilian or even Portuguese...

However, look at what Sal Cipriano did inside of the book:


Man... that's not only wrong, it's not even POSSIBLE. You can't have a dot on the "i" AND an accent. If it wasn't for Simon Bowland's sheer volume of work...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Other Dissection:

This category was kind of slow, too:

O03-"EXAGGERATION, MUCH?" (The Dissector #142, 12/04/09)

COMMENT: Just an example of not paying attention.

TITLE: Avengers: The Initiative (Marvel).

ISSUE: 30.

CULPRIT: Christos N. Gage (writer) and/or Rachel Pinnelas (assistant editor) & Bill Roseman (editor).

DISSECTION: The intro blurb says "... after Stamford, Connecticut was destroyed..."; but Stamford was not destroyed, a school and surrounding houses in Stamford were destroyed.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Quote Of The Year:

Another evenly voted category, and this quote won over the Tarot and KODT ones by a vote. It was just too good, even though I voted for the Atomic Robo quote:

Q06-"We are your gods! And not docile Morgan Freeman God, we're talking full-force, 110% Jack Kirby Gods! With armor and Omega Beams and chess pieces made to look like my enemies!" Wannabe warlocks at a convention, Angel #27. (The Dissector #143, 12/12/09)
<-------------------------------->
Best Moment Of The Year:

This was just too creepy and shocking:

M02-From Blackest Night #1: This was a very shocking, and creepy moment. (The Dissector #125, 07/29/09)

<-------------------------------->
Best Cover Of The Year:

By a small margin (the Flash: Rebirth cover was the runner-up, and I voted for that one), Blackest Night does it again:

T04-The below cover for Green Lantern Corps V2 #41 was way too creepy to not be the Cover Of The Week. Patrick Gleason's pencils capture the mandatory spookiness of an undead child; who's at the same time very smug (that smug lil' bastard face makes me think of my son's; who's smarter than most people and knows it). The inks are by Rebecca Buchman; and the colors by Randy Mayor and/or Gabe ElTaeb. (The Dissector #136, 10/23/09)

<-------------------------------->
Now, for the special awards, those based solely on numbers, or on "special" merit.
<-------------------------------->
Company With Most Dissections: This time around, it was Marvel (653 dissections), by less than 30 dissections more than DC (629). Very far in quantity was Dynamite (271), but if you consider the amount of Dynamite books I read (Zorro; The Boys, Buck Rogers, and a couple more) and compare them to the dozens of Marvel and DC books I read; then the comparative percentage is much higher. In fact, let me calculate that...

Let's see... In 2009 I read 121 Marvel books (titles, not issues), 100 DC books, and 7, read it, seven, Dynamite books. That makes Marvel a 5.4 ratio, DC a 6.3 ratio, and Dynamite a 38.7 ratio. So Marvel wins the "Company With Most Dissections" award, and Dynamite wins...
<-------------------------------->
Company With Most Dissections Per Titles Ratio: Of course, with a dissection ratio six or seven times higher than the big two, Dynamite won an award I just came up with. Zorro is your undoing, Dynamite. Oh, and in case you are wondering, Studio Robota, the parent company for The Dissector got fourth place in amount of dissections, with 81 hits; that is, an 8.1 ratio.
<-------------------------------->
Book With Most Dissections: Second year in a row, Zorro (Dynamite) with 209 dissections (120 more than last year). Runner-ups were The Dissector (Studio Robota) with 81, The Good, The Bad And The Ugly (Dynamite) with 68 (in only a handful of issues), and of course, X-Men Forever V2 (Marvel) closely behind with 63.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Writer: Matt Wagner wins this again for Zorro (with some Madame Xanadu hits) with 95 dissections (32 more than last year), with myself, MaGnUs (The Dissector) with 81, Chuck Dixon (The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly; GI Joe) with 80, and Chris Claremont (X-Men Forever, GeNext), with only 15 (strange, right?).
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Artist: Ivan Reis (Blackest Night) with 35 (mostly getting Hal Jordan's badge wrong), second place goes, as last year, to Freddie Williams II (Final Crisis Aftermath: Run, JSA All-Stars) with 34, third to Mauro Cascioli (JL: Cry For Justice) with 31 (mostly Hal badges too), and fourth Sean Galloway (Wednesday Comics, Teen Titans story) with 25.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Colorist: Dave McCaig (Wednesday Comics, Final Crisis: Rogues Revenge, others) with 15, second place to our friend Jeromy Cox (X-Factor, Amazing Spider-Man) with 14, and third place for Pete Pantazis (Trinity, JLA) with 12. No repeats from last year.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Letterer: Once again, Simon Bowland (Zorro, and others) with 170 dissections (more than three times his count from last year), with second place going to Tom Orzechowski (X-Men Forever, others) with 27, and third to prolific Joe Caramagna (a gazillion books) with 18.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected "Other": Old "friend" of the column Anthony Flamini (Marvel handbooks) with 12, second place shared by editors Lauren Sankovitch (Doctor Voodoo and others) and Stephen Wacker (Spider books) with 5, and third place for Tom Brennan (Spider books) with 3.
<-------------------------------->
Single Issue With Most Dissections: Zorro #15 (IDW), with 36 dissections. With this, Zorro and IDW also share the "Golden Bonesaw Award" for catastrophic underachievement.
<-------------------------------->
Cyclone Fashion Award To The Most Mutable Costume: Actually, it goes to Norman Osborn's eyes, for changing contacts all the time (basically EVERY Marvel book).
<-------------------------------->
May Cervantes Smite You By Strangling You With His Moustache Award: All the bloody accented letters, Ñs, cedilles, etc, that letterers keep making smaller than the rest of the letters in the word.
<-------------------------------->
Most Annoying Book That Is Still Good To Read Award: Zorro, because as I always say, it's still a great book... if I can hear myself think over the sound of my teeth gritting.
<-------------------------------->
Creator That I'm Sorry I Have To Dissect Award: Shared by colorist Christina "CeeCee" Strain and letterer (and now writer) Joe Caramagna, for being so awesome that it hurts to dissect them when they slip up. They don't screw up, like Jeromy Cox or Matt Wagner, they slip up.
<-------------------------------->
Coal-Fueled Diesel Trainwreck Issue Award: Legion Of Super-Heroes #50 *draws breath* IT FUCKING SUCKED! DC Comics cancels the book, fucks up Jim Shooter's storyline (by ending the storyline in a hurry, getting an editor to wreck it), and releases a book with a creative team that doesn't match what was promised. "Justin Thyme" writes the book, possibly because Shooter wanted nothing to do with this travesty, and Francis Manapul is pulled out of the project to work on something else, turning the art chores over Ramon Bachs, who ought to have his hands chopped off... or perhaps, it's already happened, the way he draws...

Not only do his characters look hideous, but they also change designs inside the same issue. Actually, I've seen stuff by him before, and it wasn't bad... so this means that he either drew this issue in 15 minutes, while drunk; or that he paid his ten year old nephew to draw it for him. How does DC top this? By saying goodbye with a "We greatly appreciate the support of our loyal readers!" Yeah, that's why you fucked them over with this comic. Thanks!
<-------------------------------->
Bloody Stumps With Blunt Crayolas Award: Shared by Javier Aranda (Star Trek: The Next Generation: Ghosts), and Ramon Bachs (Legion Of Super-Heroes).

Javier brought us these pearls:

(...) Star Trek: The Next Generation: Ghosts #1 (...) the art by Javier Aranda is simply atrocious. Look below, and even overlooking the large amount of errors (later in the column), I cannot help wondering why, with all the good, and even mediocre artists that probably charge cheap, must art chores be given to people with blunt crayons tied to bloody stumps?


See what I mean? What the hell is wrong with Troi's hair? Why does Picard's head keep changing shapes? Why does Beverly Crusher look like a crash test dummy with a wig? Why do people in general look like characters from a crappy fan comic? *sigh*

Also, I just noticed while searching for Aranda's crap, that back in The Dissector #87 (09/16/08), he did this:


That's the ugliest Superman I've seen in a while...

Ramon Bachs, on the other hand, did that Legion issue from the previous award, and one of the art dissections nominees (the Gazelle one).
<-------------------------------->
Worst Character Depiction Although You Obviously Have Talent Award: Steven Sanders (S.W.O.R.D.), for doing this to Beast:


Uhm... WHAT??!?!?!? He looks like one of the multiple versions of Star Wars' Bothans.
<-------------------------------->
Breakout Book Of The Year: Spin Angels (Marvel/Soleil). Wish I'd thought of this category before... ah well, retroactive award for 2007 is for Atomic Robo, and I'll get back to you on 2008.
<-------------------------------->
Best Character Of The Year: Spider-Man. The Spidey Brain Trust (as the weekly book's writer team calls itself) has managed to make an engaging comic book, while never writing Peter out of character. They remember he's basically a genius, they remember his self-doubt, and his jokes are still bad, but funny.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Character Of The Year: Magog. Horrible legacy from the nineties, go away!
<-------------------------------->
Best Event Of The Year: Blackest Night. Well handled, cool visuals, and you don't have to read every single book tie-in to follow it. I particularly liked the fact that "Green Lantern light + Other Color Lantern light" is not the only way to stop the Black Lanterns, allowing writers to get creative (despite a couple of screw ups).
<-------------------------------->
Worst Event Of The Year: Necrosha. Unnecessary, bland, and came out around the same time as Blackest Night, making it look as a copy (even though I'm sure it wasn't).
<-------------------------------->
Best Publisher Of The Year: Hands down, DC Comics, with Blackest Night and tons of Legion goodness.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Publisher Of The Year: Sadly, Dynamite Comics, despite their many good books (Zorro, Boys, etc). Their insensitivity to Spanish readers and utter inability to have their editors correct Matt Wagner on the atrocities he commits on Zorro drove me to write them a complaint, and I'm sure I'm not the only Spanish speaker who has... yet they've done nothing.
<-------------------------------->
Funniest Book Of The Year: Shared by Comic Book Comics (Evil Twin) for its sheer hilariousness, and Power Girl V2 (DC) for combining fun with great action and sexy, yet not sexist art.
<-------------------------------->
Best Creator Of The Year: Geoff Johns, for his Green Lantern, Flash, and Legion stuff.
<-------------------------------->
Worst Creator Of The Year: Javier Aranda. How do editors hire you?
<-------------------------------->
Worst Book Of The Year: Final Crisis Aftermath: Escape. Hulk V3 actually had one more count as Worst Book Of The Week, but Hulk's sin is being bland and unoriginal. Escape was not only unnecessary (as all the Aftermath minis), a bad The Prisoner rip off, and had hideous art.
<-------------------------------->
Best Book Of The Year: Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel), Best Book Of The Week twelve weeks in the year (being a weekly book), and a consistently good read.
<-------------------------------->
That's it for this year; I'll be on the outlook for more nominees, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Dissector Special #07: Autopsy Awards 2009 Nominations.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

Here are the 2009 Autopsy Awards nominees right here! The voting will be via e-mail, send your votes to lordmagnusen at gmail.com, in the following form (each nomination has a code): "W01, A03, C02..."

Some of the awards are not subject to vote, as they are given solely on a numeric basis (most Dissected company, etc), or specially awarded for extraordinary "merit" (I also accept suggestions for special awards). Of course, the text for each dissection is the original one from when they were published, but I've added (mostly) new comments for all.

The last three categories are actually about positive things that a comic book company or creator would be proud to win... unlike the other categories. I'm talking about the "Best Quote", "Best Moment", and "Best Cover" awards. Now, the nominees:

Let's get started with the Best Writing Dissection nominees:
<-------------------------------->
W01-"RED LIGHTNING!" (The Dissector #108, 01/21/09)

COMMENT: This was a bit surprising; since James Robinson is a good writer, and this is not just sloppy science, but sloppy comic book reading comprehension.

TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 683.

CULPRIT: James Robinson (writer).

DISSECTION: Black Lightning uses his powers against a Kryptonian by surrounding him with lightning and then... CHANGING THE LIGHTNING'S COLOR TO RED, THEREFORE RENDERING THE KRYPTONIAN POWERLES??!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Robinson, Kryptonians are powerless under RED SUNLIGHT, not RED ELECTRICITY!!! Black Lightning has ELECTRIC POWERS not SOLAR POWERS!!!

Robinson also has Starfire absorbing the yellow solar radiation from the Kryptonians to leave them powerless. This, while a stretch of her powers (she never had such control, her solar energy absorption is usually just passive), it's not absurd like what he does with Black Lightning's powers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. No less.
<-------------------------------->
W02-"SCALPED?" (The Dissector #118, 06/05/09)

COMMENT: I understand writers, particularly the ones from the US, not understanding foreign cultures or even law systems... but their own? Also, I'm so proud of my dad... he starts as a judge in a week or so.

TITLE: War Machine V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 06.

CULPRIT: Greg Pak.

DISSECTION: War Machine, wanted under the Superhuman Registration Act, and whatever laws have put Norman Osborn in charge of H.A.M.M.E.R. and all that jazz, takes refuge in an Indian reservation; and apparently, he'll be safe inside the "rez", under tribal law. Uhm, no. Tribal law applies to everyday stuff, but someone who breaks Federal law is persecuted even inside reservation borders. If you have any questions, just ask my new to-go-guy for Tribal Law, Charles S. Aspinwall, Attorney At Law, Cowboy Of Regulations


And he kind of looks like my dad, but in a Cowboy Parallel Universe version!!!!! First my dad looks like a Sinestro Corps Member, then he looks like a Starfleet engineer... and now a Cowboy Lawyer!!! At least they share a profession (lawyer, not cowboy).

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. I had a dissection similar to this one, which only got 8 Bazzars, but this time around it's not about a tribal citizen avoiding charges for not being registered; but rather a fugitive fleeing Federal authorities by running into a reservation. Federal authorities (and particularly H.A.M.M.E.R.) would not stop at the "rez" border. Just ask Chuck Aspinwall.

On another note, I'd like to congratulate my dad for being named judge for the Inter-American Court of Human Rights. He's one of Uruguay's (and the Americas') top lawyers, a great teacher, father, and excellent person, and I'm very proud of him. He'll be rocking one of these snazzy robes, yet no wig. I think I'll get him a Green Lantern emblem so I can pretend he's a Guardian Of The Universe. CONGRATULATIONS DAD!!!
<-------------------------------->
W03-"DISSECTNEXT." (The Dissector #130, 08/28/09)

COMMENT: With mistakes like this one, I really fear that Claremont has some sort of senility problems...

TITLE: GeNext United (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 05.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer).

DISSECTION: Looks like Chris can't keep his nose clean for too long. Dissect me this, please:


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W04-"LAW & DISORDER." (The Dissector #141, 11/27/09)

COMMENT: This one was just... well, the art counterpart of this dissection was even worse.

TITLE: War Machine V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Greg Pak (writer).

DISSECTION: Norman Osborn and H.A.M.M.E.R. turn James Rhodes over to the International Criminal Court (ICC from now on). *sigh* Where do I start? First of all, H.A.M.M.E.R. is a US organization; it's not international as S.H.I.E.L.D. was, and the USA is not a member of the ICC. A little background: The United States of America, through then president Bill Clinton, signed the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court in 2000. However, Clinton stated that he would not submit it to the Senate for advice and consent for ratification until the U.S. government had a chance to assess the functioning of the court (although he supported the proposed role of the ICC and its aims). A treaty that is not ratified is not legally binding.

In 2002, the 60 requisite ratifications for the Rome Statue were reached, and US President George W. Bush's administration sent a note to the UN Secretary General suspending the US government's signature of the statute, and informing that the USA recognized no obligation towards the Court.

Additionally, the US government stated that its intention not to become a member state of the ICC be reflected in the UN documentation, specifically because signatories have an obligation not to undermine the object and purpose of a treaty.

Now, let's assume that one of the following three things is true: 1) That H.A.M.M.E.R. is a UN organization (which it's not, from all that's been shown in the comics), 2) That in the Marvel Universe, the USA is a member of the ICC (which I doubt), or 3) That the USA is making an exception and collaborating with the ICC, since many of War Machine's crimes were committed outside the US (which is believable, I guess). Assuming any of those three things to be true... judging Rhodes in the ICC is still wrong.

In broad strokes, the ICC's purpose is to prosecute individuals for genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, and the crime of aggression (although it cannot currently exercise jurisdiction over the latter). War Machine's crimes do not fall within any of those definitions; he's no different than many unregistered heroes, or rather, since he kills, no different than most supervillains, or even vigilantes like Moon Knight (at his worst) or the Punisher. At most, he's a terrorist... and the International Criminal Court does not have jurisdiction over terrorism.

Many member states wanted to add terrorism and drug trafficking to the list of crimes covered by the Rome Statute; however, the states were unable to agree on a definition for terrorism, and drug trafficking was left out because as this might overwhelm the court's limited resources.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. But, as infomercials say, this is not all! Read the next dissection for a complete screw-up, writing and art-wise.
<-------------------------------->
I think this one's going to be a close vote. Let's go on with the nominees for Best Art Dissection:
<-------------------------------->
A01-"CHANGE, AS FAST AS A GAZELLE RUNS." (The Dissector #112, 03/27/09)

COMMENT: Bach's work is terrorism.

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 50.

CULPRIT: Ramon Bachs (penciller).

DISSECTION: Remember back in column #103, when I noted that Francis Manapul had radically changed Gazelle's design, from obviously alien, to slightly changed human (perhaps only cosmetically so)? Well, Bachs does one worse! Below, you can see in the upper left corner, Gazelle's first appearance in issue #37; and next to it, Manapul's rendition on issue #48. Then on the row below, Gazelle from the first pages of issue #50. Bach changes her hair, loses the markings on her face, and makes her features even more human (or what passes for human with Bach's art in this book). He also modifies her costume... but he doesn't stop there; because he even changes her appearance radically by the final pages of the book, and slightly in the same page:


My God, this is fucking outrageous! By the end of the book, she looks like a furry!!! Colorist JD Smith helps Bachs commit this crime, too.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A02-"B.E.A.S.T." (The Dissector #140, 11/20/09)

COMMENT: After I accepted that Beast had mutated even after his secondary mutation; I still couldn't accept this. He looks NOTHING like he should.

TITLE: S.W.O.R.D. (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Steven Sanders (penciller).

DISSECTION: You know, it helps to check character references when working on a comic issue. Beast looks like this, according to Sanders:


Uhm... WHAT??!?!?!? He looks like one of the multiple versions of Star Wars' Bothans.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Also, if Lockheed is assigned to the Stiletto Zero (a S.W.O.R.D. spaceship), how does he end up on the other ship with McCoy and Brand?
<-------------------------------->
A03-"WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF UNIFORM?" (The Dissector #141, 11/27/09)

COMMENT: I suspect Aranda is Ramon Bachs who is now worried about shaming his family name.

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Ghosts (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Javier Aranda (artist).

DISSECTION: There are plenty of dissections in this book, so I'll just show the worst art one, and the worst writing one. Additionally, I'll say that Riker's eyes are brown instead of his correct blue, Deanna Troi's eyes are wrong, Worf's warrior sash is missing, Data has Lieutenant rank insignia, when he's a Lt. Cmdr., Picard has Commander pips at one point, and Beverly Crusher should be wearing three solid pips, since she was a Commander from the show's start, instead of one pip... or two, as she wears in this book depending on the panel.

Now, the worst art dissection was that the uniform designs don't match the real uniforms from the TV show... not only that, but the designs change from page to page, and even are mirrored; switching horizontal orientation. See below, first what a real TNG uniform looks like, then how Aranda mangles them and doesn't even keep them consistent during the issue:


For starters, there's Picard in his uniform. The shoulders and the neckline look a bit different, but that's pretty much acceptable; stuff that depends on angles and whatnot. But then there's the lower part of the jacket... there's a "spike", let's call it, pointing at Jean-Luc's right hip, and the red fabric slopes up in a twenty degree (more or less) angle towards a few inches before his left hip, then angles down to a second spike towards it. Then, from that spike, you have a line straight up towards his left armpit. Now that I look at it closely, it's basically the shape of the Star Fleet "alpha" badge.

Now look at the Picard drawn by Aranda. The line from the first spike to the second has a much sharper angle, and it's noticeably shorter, leading to a much wider second spike. Yes, he's kind of turned sideways, but still, the design is different; as the red fabric covers the zone under his armpit, something that doesn't happen in the real uniform.

Then, in the third image, Data (or a snowman dressed in his clothes... more like a blow up doll) has a uniform with a different design from the one Picard wears in the previous picture... and Riker has a different one, and it looks like Worf wears a third different design, and Picard too... then... WAIT!!! Look at that... I just realized that for ONE, and only ONE panel in the whole comic, Worf wears his sash... and it looks more like a Pancho Villa bullet belt!!!! Of course, in that picture Picard and Riker are wearing a fourth and fifth designs, and they're even mirrored...

Fantastic Aranda, fantastic. Please, IDW, quit ruining your Star Trek comics... half of them have subpar artists... and some, like this one, have people who should not be hired for professional artwork. This is no longer a dissection thing, but an actual, honest, completely objective quality appraisal. Aranda is BAD, his human(oid) figures are inconsistent, his designs don't stay the same, and everything looks UGLY. And yes, Worf appears in about fourteen panels in the whole comic, and he's only wearing his sash (which doesn't look much like his sash) in one.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars for the horrible uniform debacle. I look forward to the next issue of this book... as long as the writer e-mails me the script, or Javier Aranda is replaced by someone (yes, even Rob Liefield would do).
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A04-"IN-TER-NA-TIO-NAL." (The Dissector #141, 11/27/09)

COMMENT: The level of ignorance involved in this dissection is simply disheartening.

TITLE: War Machine V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Wellinton Alves (penciller).

DISSECTION: This is even worse, because if you want to justify the previous dissection, you can always claim "things are different in the Marvel Universe!". In this case, however, there is no excuse. Jim Rhodes stands before a single judge (something that never happens in the ICC as far as I was able to ascertain) in an ICC courtroom (that looks nothing like the real ones)... and there's a US flag to the side of the judge and a US seal behind her.

Why? Why the hell would you do that Alves? INTERNATIONAL. CRIMINAL. COURT. INTERNATIONAL!!!

INTER-FUCKING-NATIONAL!!!

I can understand an American, with the (no offense meant to my American readers) general sense of being the center of the world US citizens have, starting with the fact that they call themselves "Americans", as if they were the only residents of the American continent. But a Brazilian artist? Please Wellinton, use the internet, do some research... Typing three worlds and clicking on three links I found this 360º photographic virtual tour of one of the ICC. And even if you didn't HAVE an internet connection, why in the name of Khan Noonien Singh would you think of putting US symbols in the INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT??!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Of course, there are eye color mistakes and other stuff.
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Some of these dissections were just alarming... On with the nominees for Best Coloring Dissection, which aren't as exciting:
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C01-"LAUNDRY MIX-UP." (The Dissector #115, 05/19/09)

COMMENT: IDW's Star Trek comics usually have good plots; and great characterization, you almost always feel like you're watching a TV episode of the respective series. But they are so often drawn but such lousy artists; and there are so many wrong details that could be avoided by five minutes at Memory Alpha, or some, like this one, by WATCHING A FUCKING EPISODE OF THE SHOW!!! (And yes, I just realized I wrote "why is" when referring two people, I'm dissecting that next column.)

TITLE: Star Trek: Mission's End (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: John Hunt (colorist).

DISSECTION: Why is Spock and Uhura wearing a yellow uniform, and Sulu a blue one?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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C02-"SOLO TUS OJOS." (The Dissector #127, 08/08/09)

COMMENT: This one's just sloppy, but not very exciting.

TITLE: Star Wars Adventures: Princess Leia and the Royal Ransom (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Atiyeh (colorist).

DISSECTION: Han Solo's eyes are colored green during most of the issue... then brown (as they should be) for a couple of panels... then green again. So, not only are you unable to look at character references for one of the MAIN CHARACTERS OF THE STAR WARS SAGA, but you're also unable to keep your crap consistent for a single comic?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Yes. It's Han FUCKING Solo, not BoShek (who has brown eyes too, BTW & FYI).
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C03-"BLUE MARBLES." (The Dissector #127, 08/08/09)

COMMENT: Ditto, but it's common sense.

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 35.

CULPRIT: Pete Pantazis (colorist).

DISSECTION: It's not Norman, but Hoshi Kimiyo's eyes are colored blue, when they should be black. Do you just start coloring a comic book decide to give a Japanese character blue eyes, and you can't see anything odd about that?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Plastic Man's legs are painted as if he wore pants... and he doesn't; all in the same page where he is colored correctly in the rest of the panels.
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C04-"DISSECTION MACHINE!" (The Dissector #138, 11/06/09)

COMMENT: The problem here was that the woman is James Rhodes' mother; and she's a black woman... not in the picture.

TITLE: War Machine V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Jay David Ramos & Michael Bartolo (colorists).

DISSECTION: Come on, this one is very simple:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Norman's eyes. And please, bring Leonardo Manco back to this book...
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My vote is obvious. Let's go with the nominees for Best Lettering Dissection:
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L01-"BATMAN IN BARCELÖNA." (The Dissector #118, 06/05/09)

COMMENT: I know I rant on and on about the size of accented letters; but this was just ridiculous, and not just about the size.

TITLE: Batman In Barcelona: Dragon's Knight (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Steve Wands (letterer).

DISSECTION: Now, this issue is a bag of lame; while it's not bad, it's filler crap at its best. Writer Mark Waid puts in a few unbelievable ideas, such as Batman not being recognized outside of Gotham (Justice League, anyone?), or him not being able to sneak a utility belt through customs (he built Brother Eye, he has access to alien tech, and the best tech humanity has to offer); and there's a few Spanish language mistakes too.

However, what made me cringe were the accents on letters in Spanish or Catalá; I'm used by now (even if I hate it) to letterers making accented vowels smaller in languages like these, but Wands takes the cake here. Look at this couple of examples:


Not only are the accented letters about three quarters the size of the rest of the font (and almost half in some other cases), but also, he's made the accents as almost horizontal lines above the letters! Good God!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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L02-"SWITCHEROO!" (The Dissector #129, 08/25/09)

COMMENT: Lame, but pay more attention to characters, please.

TITLE: Adventure Comics (DC Comics).

ISSUE: 504.

CULPRIT: Sal Cipriano (letterer).

DISSECTION: Yes, I've decided to refer to this book with the original numbering; since the dual numbering is not just on the covers, but on the indicia of the book, which makes it pretty clear that is more than just a gimmick. No dissections on the Superboy story, but in the Legion character spread Night Girl and Shadow Lass have the info caption boxes switched between them.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. There are other mistakes, such as omitting important powers from certain info boxes (namely Superman's invulnerability, or the fact that Polar Boy doesn't just control cold, he generates it too).
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L03-"WEDNESDAY MIXUP." (The Dissector #129, 08/25/09)

COMMENT: Just confusing, slightly.

TITLE: Wednesday Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 52.

CULPRIT: Blambot's Nate Piekos (letterer, Metamorpho story).

DISSECTION: Metamorpho has a plan, then congratulates Element Girl on her good thinking.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Iris West's eyes are colored incorrectly, again.
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L04-"RŒD TORNADŒ" (The Dissector #132, 09/14/09)

COMMENT: Just sloppy.

TITLE: Red Tornado V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 6.

CULPRIT: Sal Cipriano (letterer).

DISSECTION: Okay, this book is only slightly less exciting than the Magog book; but at least it's a mini. The Magog book can only be explained by Keith Giffen wanting to write him and DC letting him... What's the dissection here? Well, Penciller José Luís is credited with an accent in his last name on the cover (while other books have credited without it; the Brazilian spelling has an accent while the Spanish spelling doesn't, and I don't know if he's Brazilian or Hispanic). I can't really confirm a dissection there, and I'm inclined to believe he's Brazilian or even Portuguese...

However, look at what Sal Cipriano did inside of the book:


Man... that's not only wrong, it's not even POSSIBLE. You can't have a dot on the "i" AND an accent. If it wasn't for Simon Bowland's sheer volume of work...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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Again, nothing that exciting this year. Now let's check out the nominees for Best Other Dissection:
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O01-"TO BOLDLY DISSECT..." (The Dissector #133, 09/27/09)

COMMENT: The answer here was that there hasn't been a Klingon emperor in centuries when the story takes place. There's a Klingon emperor (and a Princess) during the late 2260s; when the story takes place. There was no Emperor in the Klingon Empire from the mid-21st Century to 2369 (and then only in a ceremonial position, the clone of Kahless). I almost put this as a writing nomination; since it ended up being in the comic book itself... but I think the editor should be to blame here; not Byrne, nor the ad writer.

TITLE: Star Trek: Nero (IDW).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Unknown ad writer.

DISSECTION: This one's for the trekkies:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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O02-"PROFILE, SCHMOFILE." (The Dissector #135, 10/16/09)

COMMENT: The Handbooks crew is just unbelievable... I catch stuff with ONE read, even when flipping through their profile books... now you include the profile for the star of your solo book, and you don't even make it accurate or complete?

TITLE: Doctor Voodoo: Avenger Of The Supernatural (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Unknown profile writer and Lauren Sankovitch (editor).

DISSECTION: The profile for Doctor Voodoo is sorely out of date; it's for "Brother Voodoo", it narrates some of his recent adventures without noting that some of those adventures were not had by him but by a Skrull impersonating him; and it neglects to include his recent ascendance to Sorcerer Supreme. Pitiful.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars each,
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O03-"EXAGGERATION, MUCH?" (The Dissector #142, 12/04/09)

COMMENT: Just an example of not paying attention.

TITLE: Avengers: The Initiative (Marvel).

ISSUE: 30.

CULPRIT: Christos N. Gage (writer) and/or Rachel Pinnelas (assistant editor) & Bill Roseman (editor).

DISSECTION: The intro blurb says "... after Stamford, Connecticut was destroyed..."; but Stamford was not destroyed, a school and surrounding houses in Stamford were destroyed.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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O04-"THOU HAST LETTERED THY COMIC INCORRECTLY!" (The Dissector #143, 12/12/09)

COMMENT: ... and another one. Thor will be mad.

TITLE: Thor V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 604.

CULPRIT: Joe Sabino (letterer) and/or Alejandro Arbona (assistant editor), Ralph Macchio & Warren Simmons (editors).

DISSECTION: The recent Thor one-shot had a preview of this issue, which, as usual, ended with "CONTINUED IN THOR #604"... but they left the "CONTINUED..." blurb on that page's art for this issue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Also, CeeCee, I hate to call you on it, but Doctor Doom has brown eyes, not blue eyes.
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Now for the nominees for the first of the "positive" categories, Best Quote:
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Q01-"Several boys reached puberty and exploded in their pants upon seeing her." Narrator, about Cin (aka Cinderella). Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #54. (The Dissector #113, 04/16/09)
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Q02-"I'm Charles Fort. My partner here is Howard Phillips Lovecraft. Unusual facts find me and unusual... THINGS find him." Charles Fort, Atomic Robo And The Shadow From Beyond Time #1. (The Dissector #116, 05/23/09)
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Q03-"The zombie horde tears into you like a pack of three year olds into a bag of two cent candy." B.A. Felton, Knights Of The Dinner Table #139. (The Dissector #127, 08/08/09)
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Q04-"Georgie Porgie is naught but a breathing transport for Georgie Porgie's pudding, which seeks out peculiar quim and holes in young bucks trousers with the snuffling alacrity of a Provençal truffle pig." Percy Shelley, about Lord Byron, Frankenstein's Womb. (The Dissector #130, 08/28/09)
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Q05-"The men of the Bronze Age were the children of humans and gods. They performed great deeds, rid the world of giant monsters, pursued the Golden Fleece on the Argo and waged war against Troy. (...) Now, we suffer through the doleful Iron Age. (...) The once-sacred powers of the gods are made mockery by freaks of science who wear their underwear on the outside of their clothing!" Hera, Assault On New Olympus. (The Dissector #139, 11/12/09)
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Q06-"We are your gods! And not docile Morgan Freeman God, we're talking full-force, 110% Jack Kirby Gods! With armor and Omega Beams and chess pieces made to look like my enemies!" Wannabe warlocks at a convention, Angel #27. (The Dissector #143, 12/12/09)
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Alright, now for the next positive category, the nominees for Best Moment:
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M01-From Atomic Robo And The Shadow From Beyond Time #2: Atomic Robo is as much a dissector as I am. (The Dissector #119, 06/11/09)

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M02-From Blackest Night #1:This was a very shocking, and creepy moment. (The Dissector #125, 07/29/09)

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M03-Final Crisis: Legion Of 3 Worlds #5: I admit it, I always nominate a Legion moment because love them. These are the Legions Of Three Worlds, people, it doesn't get much awesomer than this. (The Dissector #126, 08/04/09)

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M04-From Flash: Rebirth #4: Flash Facts: If you mess with the Flashes, Daddy Flash will pimp slap yo' ass!!! (The Dissector #131, 09/04/09)

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M05-From The Boys #34: What happened to Germany when the Nazis pushed the allies too far? Well, the Americans, the British, and the Free French Forces attacked... then the Soviets took Berlin from behind! (The Dissector #132, 09/14/09)

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M06-From Hellboy: The Wild Hunt #6: I did not see this one coming. Hellboy descendant of King Arthur? (The Dissector #133, 09/27/09)

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M07-From Comic Book Comics #4: We learn how Jack Kirby escapes from Marvel for the second time. (The Dissector #143, 12/12/09)

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Lastly, the nominees for the newest positive category, Best Cover:
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T01-Ex Machina #44. Pulp jacket? Check. Pulp goggles? Check. Steampunk cog? Check. Yeah, I'm easy. Thanks, Tony Harris and company. (The Dissector #130, 08/28/09)

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T02-A beautiful Reverse Flash cover by Ethan Van Sciver. (The Dissector #131, 09/04/09)

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T03-This one's by Skottie Young, for Iron Man And The Armor Wars #2. I like it, it's compelling. (The Dissector #132, 09/14/09)

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T04-The below cover for Green Lantern Corps V2 #41 was way too creepy to not be the Cover Of The Week. Patrick Gleason's pencils capture the mandatory spookiness of an undead child; who's at the same time very smug (that smug lil bastard face makes me think of my son's; who's smarter than most people and knows it). The inks are by Rebecca Buchman; and the colors by Randy Mayor and/or Gabe ElTaeb. (The Dissector #136, 10/23/09)

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T05-This is pretty cover by Guillem March for Gotham City Sirens #5. (I like me some cheesecake...) (The Dissector #138, 11/06/09)

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OK, get voting, you have until the end of the month (perhaps a few more days), to do so. Catch you soon with the next regular column. Remember, nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!