The Dissector Special #04.

NOTE: Yes, I've been gone for almost a month, I know. Sorry about that, here's the ceremony for the 2005-2007 Autopsy Awards, I should be back next week with the begining of my catch-up columns for the past month.

Soft music echoes through the darkened room, a murmur of conversation of multiple people blends with the tunes, and suddenly, spotlights bathe the center of an improvised stage. The volume of the music goes up, and an announcer's voice (sounding just like Marcos Mundstock) says "Ladies, gentlemen, and other beings, please give it up for tonight's host... Uaaaaaatuuuuuu the Watcher!!!"

The crowd claps, and a bald figure dressed in a blue tuxedo, looking suspiciously similar to Brian Michael Bendis walks onto stage. "Thank you for your kind welcome! I am Uatu, and many of you know me from my voyeuristic adventures as the Watcher... and not the kind that watches hot slayers like Buffy..." As the crowd laughs, Uatu continues "I was a bit miffed, I confess, when MaGnUs changed the column to The Dissector, mostly because he changed the logo, which depicted yours truly in a very, well, shall we say, flattering light."


The Watcher walks a bit, and looking at his surroundings, he says "You might be wondering about your rather rustic surroundings, and why we've chosen this venue to celebrate the first ever Autopsy Awards. For those of you just tuning in, we're at a small bar located in the city of Montevideo, in Uruguay, a nation of what you'd call "the real world". The place is called "El Hacha", which means "The Axe", and it's the oldest standing establishment in town, having been founded in the late 18th century. It's earned that charming name after one of its bartenders was murdered by an axe blow to the head, also around three hundred years ago."


Pausing, Uatu produces a small purple kerchief from his breast pocket, and wipes his brow. "We thought about celebrating the ceremony at Warriors, over at DC's New Earth, Harry's Hideout, in Marvel's 616 Earth, or even Chalmun's cantina in Tatooine, but we settled on a place that would show no favoritism over a universe or another. Now, enjoy your cocktails and entrees, while we enjoy the first musical number of the night... Daaaaaazzler!!!"


A while later, after the performance of disco era Dazzler (complete with roller skates), the announcer's voice is heard again "Now, to present the first award of the evening, please welcome TV's William Shatner!!!!"


Elegantly clad in a dark suit, Shatner walks onto stage and stands behind the lectern, on which now rests a trophy depicting a bloody saw, like those used by coroners. "Thank you, thank you." the former Captain Kirk says as the thundering applause dies down. "I am here to present the first of a series of special awards. These are not awards dictated by votes, or by the number of times a specific mistake was made, but because they stood out among their peers. The first special award is the Justice Society of America's Cyclone, who in more or less than 20 comics she's appeared in, has never had her costume drawn correctly after the first time!"


The redheaded Cyclone flies onto stage, and when she lands and the whirlwind stops, the audience "ooohs" as they notice she's completely naked, clothes flying away at disparate angles! "I got tired of people getting my costume wrong," the superheroine says as she accepts the award (now covered in Shatner's drool) "so I just decided to get rid of it." More applause, and more drool later, Cyclone exits the stage, followed by Shatner. The announcer then says "And now, for the first award decided by your votes, please welcome Johnny Five!!!"


Gold plated for the occasion, the threaded robot rolls to the appointed place on stage, and its synthesized voice fills the speakers "Woooooohoooo! I'm very glad to present the award for Best Writing Dissection. The nominees are...

"UNITED SOCIALIST SOVIET KINGDOMS.", from issue five of the Books Of Doom, by Ed Brubaker.

"GOTHAM CITY, CITY STATE?", from 52 Week 14, ostensibly by Greg Rucka.

“NINJAS, SMINJAS!”, from issue 93 of Exiles, by Chris Claremont.

“FASTER THAN A RAY OF LIGHT!”, from issue 8 of Battlestar Galactica V4, by Greg Pak.

"MATH IS DIFFERENT IN THE FUTURE.", from issue 31 of (Supergirl And) The Legion Of Super-Heroes V5, by Tony Bedard.

"MY, MY, HOW YOU'VE GROWN!!", from issue 1 of Batman/Lobo: Deadly Serious, by Sam Kieth.

"SCIENCE IS HARD!", from issue 13 of Justice League Of America.V2, by Dwayne McDuffie."

Johnny Five opens the envelope and reads "And the winner is....SCIENCE IS HARD!!!" Dwayne McDuffie trots on stage and grabs the award, only stopping to say into the microphone "I swear I'm not turning the JLA into the JLU!!!"


As McDuffie leaves the stage, the announcer says "For our next award, please welcome Mr. Stan "The Man" Leeeeeeee!!!!"

Stan Lee walks on stage in the midst of the applause, affable as always, and as he positions himself behind the lectern, he says "Excelsior, true believers! And those of you who read DC comics as well!" As the audience's laughter dies down, Stan says "I'm here to present the first of the awards not given by any special circumstance, or by the reader's votes, but for sheer quantity of dissections. In this past two years that the column's been running, of over a thousand nits or dissections, the company with most dissections, and by a difference lower than 20 over the runner up, DC Comics, is... Marvel Comics!!!"

The Man's face goes ashen, as he looks up "Is this some kind of sick joke? Why the hell was I asked to present this particular award? What, you want a No Prize? Is that it? Alright, no more Mr. Nice Guy!!!!" The previously jolly comic book legend starts trashing the stage, when suddenly, a vaudeville style cane grabs him by the neck and removes him from view.


Uatu hurriedly enters the stage, looking flustered, as he says "What better moment than this than to present our next vote-in award? To present it, please welcome Benny Hill!!!"


Benny Hill walks on stage, and smiling, rapidly pats Uatu several times on the top of his head "Thank you Uatu! Yes, I know what many of you are thinking. Benny Hill is dead! Yes, of course I'm dead. But I'm the Benny Hill of Earth-23, where I still make fun of British people for the amusement of the whole world. And that's that. The nominees for Best Art Dissection are the following:

"REACH OUT AND TOUCH...", from issue #182 of X-Men V2, by Salvador Larroca.

"HELP! I'M SHRINKING!", from issue #4 of X-Men: The 198, by Jim Muniz.

"I ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE VIGILANTISM.", from issue #40 of Countdown by Manuel García."

Benny opens the envelope and looks at the slip of paper inside "Can you say landslide? Because all votes where for our winner, except for one. The winner is... "I ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE VIGILANTISM", by Manuel García!"

García, or rather someone wearing a plastic bag over his head walks on stage, grabs his saw-trophy, and says "MMMPHPHWOO!"


The music blares up, and as the mysterious figure leaves, a spotlight falls on Uatu, who's in a corner of the stage. "Our next presenter comes from a land down under, so let's please give it up for Crocodile Dundee!!!"


A rugged figure walks on stage, and sizes up the award in front of him "Well, it ain't a knife, that's f'sure mate. But it is bloody big, I'll tell ya. I'm here to present a special award for single issue with the most dissections. And the awards goes to Civil War: Battle Damage Report!!!" The audience claps, but nobody comes on stage to claim the award, Crocodile Dundee picks it up and leaves with it.

Uatu walks on stage again, and tugging a little at his collar says "Well, no hard feelings, right Marvel Handbooks team, eh?" Let us welcome our next presenter, a random Spanish-speaking person, who also speaks English, like the millions that live in the USA and could be consulted by writers when attempting to give their books some ethnic flavor!!!!"

A completely un-stereotypical person walks on stage, dressed in a gray suit "Hello." he says with just a hint of a Latin accent. "Let's just call me Manuel, and that's as stereotypical as I'll get. It's not even my real name."


"The nominees for Best Coloring Dissection are:

"THE INCREDIBLE COLOR-CHANGING CAPE", from issue #29 of Teen Titans V3, by Jeromy Cox.

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE GREEN OR WHITE!", from issue #32 of the same book, also by Jeromy Cox.

"I ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE VIGILANTISM", from issue #40 of Countdown, by Thomas Chu."

Opening the envelope, "Manuel" reads the contents and says "My, this was a tight race. The winner, by just one vote, is once again "I ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE VIGILANTISM", by Thomas Chu!!!"


A second figure (or perhaps the same as earlier), head covered in plastic bag, climbs on stage and raises the saw-trophy over his head "MMMWROREEE!" As the figure leaves, the announcer says "For our next award, please welcome.... is this for real? This can't be right.... uhm... OK...the Dungeon Master from the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon!!!!!""


Bald, short, and red-robbed, the Dungeon Master pops onto stage, and climbs behind the lectern "Yes... the next award is to the Book With Most Dissections... and the winner is....Countdown To Final Crisis!!!!"

Dan DiDio's mustachioed's visage appears hovering in a gigantic hologram "THANK YOU!!!!!", while in the audience Paul Dini sighs and says "I think he missed the point..."


Uatu chuckles while the spotlight shines on him, and says "Our next award was decided by your votes, but it's the first of two that goes to something positive, instead of mistakes. To present it, please welcome Mr. Chuuuuuck Noooooooorriiiiiiiis!!!"


Chuck Norris walks onto stage, kicking and punching at the air "Hey partners! I don't present awards, I am PRESENTED BY THEM!!!! YEEEHAW!!!!!!! But allow me to introduce the nominees for Best Quote:

"Electricity can only be replenished by whisky. This is actual physics. Don't argue with me, I am a doktor." Doktor Sleepless, Doktor Sleepless #1.

"Look at the Concorde: you used to be able to cross the Atlantic in three hours flat. Then the cunts stuck the future in a museum." Billy Butcher, The Boys #9.

"From the state of ridiculously tall and gorgeous amazons with perfect skin. Alba-chusetts, West Jessicabiel-burg. Stupid Alba-chussets." Brenda Del Vecchio, Blue Beetle V7 #18.

"Super-friction, Brainiac. Super-friction creates static electricity. Super-static-electricity creates... Shakkaboom. (...) My dream, my rules, you clockwork moron." Superman, Superman V1 #666.

"That is, without a doubt, the nastiest tasting stuff I ever put in my mouth." Wonder Girl II, Countdown #32.

"I'm getting lectured on CHILD SAFETY from a man who's gone through FOUR ROBINS?" Wally West (obviously to Batman), The Flash V2 #233."

Chuck throws the envelope in the air, and roundhouse kicks it open, catching the slip of paper with his teeth. He reads it, and announces "And the winner is..... Doktor Sleepless' whisky quote. by Warren Ellis!!!!!"


Doktor Sleepless jetpacks down from the ceiling, grabbing the award without stopping "YES!!! I SHALL EXPERIMENT WITH THIS AWARD!!! AND I SHALL CREATE.... THE FUTURE!!! Or perhaps, some kind of cataclysmic event that eradicates all life on Earth..." and flies away.


The announcer laughs nervously as he says "I could have sworn that was Warren Ellis dressed as Doc Sleepless... Anyway, please welcome our next presenter, Adam West!!!"


Adam West saunters onto stage, waving at everyone. "Thank you, thank you, old chums! I'm here to present the award for Best Lettering Dissection. The nominees are... the following:

"I DON'T THINK WE'RE SUPOSSED TO MENTION THAT IN FRONT OF TONY, HE MIGHT GO AND TELL HIS DRINKING BUDDIES...", from issue #16 of New Avengers, by Richard Starkings & Comicraft's Albert Deschesne (letterer).

"COCONUT PLANTATIONS ARE ILEGAL IN THE DC UNIVERSE.", from issue #1 of The Question Quarterly, by Willie Schubert (letterer).

"OH D?OS M?O!", from issue #16 of Blue Beetle V7, by Phil Balsman.

"WHA?", from issue #490 of Uncanny X-Men, by VC's Joe Caramagna."

West pulls the envelope from his pocket and opens it "And the bat-winner is... "WHA?", by VC's Joe Caramagna!!!" Joe walks onstage, and gladly accepts the award from "Batman" "Thank you, I'm a reader of the Dissector, and this is a great honor! Thank's for your votes, and don't take yourselves too seriously!!!"


The announcer says "Let's give it up for Mr. Caramagna, and keep clapping for our next musical number.... THE VILLAGE PEOPLE!!! And not that crappy new line-up, the original ones!!!!"


The whole audience moves to tune of the classic YMCA, and after minutes of frenetic dancing, Uatu walks on stage again. "Our second positive award is presented by... yours truly. I love to watch, and some moments are just to cool. The nominees for Best Moment are:

Peter Parker pwns Kingpin, from Amazing Spider-Man #542.

Superman kills Lex Luthor with a superloogie, from Superman V1 #666.

Matter-Eater Lad shows you why pointing is rude, from (Supergirl And) The Legion Of Super-Heroes V5 #33.

Tek-Knight humps a meteorite, from The Boys #10.

Namor rips off Venom’s tongue, from Sub-Mariner V2 #4 of 6.

Earth Green Lanterns swear their oath, from Green Lantern V4 #24."

Uatu smiles "And the winner is.... Earth Green Lanterns swear their oath!!!"


Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis trot on stage, and accept the award and say in unison "IN BRIGHTEST DAY, IN DARKEST NIGHT.... YEAH BABY!!!!!" and run off stage really happy with their saw-trophy.


The announcer's voice is heard again through the speakers "To introduce our last vote-in award, please welcome the Dissector himself, Grand Admiral MaGnUs, of the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps!!!" Impeccably dressed in Victorian-style British Admiral of the Fleet uniform, only in dark green tones, full of condecorations. Behind him, and to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars, marches an honor guard of the HDSC, with their ceremonial saw-haldberd weapons.


MaGnUs stops marching and the troops arrange themselves in the background of the stage; removing his impeccable white gloves to handle the envelope. "Thank you, thank you all." he says, as the applause dies down. "I'm here to present the last vote-in award, the award to "Best Other Dissection", which includes editors and the like. I've always said, from the start of this mission, when I was the Nitpicker, that editors are always at fault for not spotting the mistakes their creators do. The nominees are...

"THEY SHOT MFK!", from issue #539 of Amazing Spider-Man, by Axel Alonso (editor).

"EVEN THE REST OF HER POWERS ARE INVISIBLE!", from the onef-shot Civil War: Battle Damage Report, by Anthony Flamini (head writer/coordinator) and/or Ronald Byrd (writer), and Michael Hoskin (proofing coordination).

"52 UNIVERSES CERTAINLY ISN'T ENOUGH...", from the DC Nation column from the week of September 24, 2007, by Richard Bruning (DC Creative Director)."

Opening the envelope, MaGnUs reads it "And the winner is... "THEY SHOT MFK!", by Axel Alonso!!! Let's give it up for Axel, who at least admitted to goofing up!!!"


Axel climbs on stage and accepts his award "Don't look for the gaff in the second printing and the trade, because we've fixed it!" As Alonso walks off-stage, the Uatu announces the next presenters "Please don't throw any blunt or bladed objects at our last presenters, Michael Turner and Rob Liefeld!!!"


Rob and Mike walk on stage, as security guards deal with the rowdier members of the crowd. Michael Turner says "We might not know much about anatomy, but we can at least stick to character designs." to which Rob adds "Most of the time, anyway. But there are some character designs that just don't seem to be understood by artist, and that's what the last special award is. The Golden Autopsy Award of 2005-2007 goes to... the many shapes of the X-Men's Beast!!!!"

Uatu walks on stage, as the 10 feet video screen behind the stage projects multiple images of the Beast, and he brushes Rob and Mike aside, climbing behind the lectern.


"Uuuh... we just got word that Joe Quesada, who was supposed to accept this award, is still stuck drawing One More Day, despite the fact that it's already been published. Something a deal with the devil or some other nonsense. So, this concludes our awards ceremony, let's enjoy our last musical number, for which we've reunited Swedish black metal band Dissection, and they'll be playing for us their song Black Dragon! Yes, we had no idea they existed before this ceremony, but come on, they're called Dissection, and look at that song title!!!


The crowd claps as a black leather clad trio takes to the stage, with videos of dragons and gruesome cadaver dissections are shown in the screen behind them. Black metal sound explodes from the speakers, as the crowd slam-dances, including a very drunk and loud trio comprised of Mark Millar, Warren Ellis, and Brian Michael Bendis. Oddly enough, Uatu is nowhere to be seen now. In the background, from a dais, the Grand Admiral of the HDSC surveys all... the awards are done, and it's time to resume the vigil, for NOTHING ESCAPES THE DISSECTOR!!!!

The Nitpicker #32.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

Sorry this column is a couple of days late, it's just that... you know what? I was going to keep apologizing, but nah, I spent some time reading comics instead of writing it, and there's nothing to apologize for. Not like I actually get paid for this thing....

This week's column, now that we're back to our weekly schedule (what's a couple of days late, huh?), marks the end of my vacation. I go back to work on Monday, and boy, I don't want to. Like I have a choice... this week's column is certainly loaded with stuff, not really on nit amount (15), but on text. Yes, part of it is quoted from somewhere else, but I wrote me up some nice nits too.

Before we go on to the nits, I just came up with a new feature that I'll do weekly. Nitpicker's Picks Of The Week! What's that? Well, nothing less than the best and worst comic I read the week before. In this case, the worst book I read last week was Superman/Batman #38. While it wasn't as bad as previous issues have been, it's still a boring book. Why do I read it? God only knows. And the best book last week was Knights Of The Dinner Table #129, a book that never fails to satisfy me, and this week's issue was chockfull of funny moments and plot advancement.

Let's go on with the nits, shall we?
<-------------------------------->
"COUNTDOWN TO CONTINUITY!"

TITLE: Countdown.

ISSUE: 41 (I'm tired of this little "yup" or "you know it" game...), but it's actually the whole series so far.

CULPRIT: Mike Carlin & Mike Marts (editors) and Jeanine Schaefer & Elisabeth Gehrlein (assistant editors).

NIT-TO-PICK: The continuity fuck ups (because there's other no way to call them) that happen in Countdown never seem to cease. I think it's a good book, with very inconsistent art, but still good. The art is something that should get better once Giffen starts in the book, and it does, as we can see in issue 40, is first full one (he did some breakdowns in issue 41, but refused to be credited). It's taking more time for the book to shape up, longer than it did for 52, but I still think it's a good read, although changes need to be made.

The changes I'd make would be cutting back on inserting scenes referring to other storylines from all over the DC Universe. Karate Kid stopping by to see Batman when he supposedly couldn't even walk after taking a glancing blow from the lightning; even his earlier scenes with other legionnaires and Red Arrow were completely unnecessary. The Bart Allen funeral is also out of sync with the rest of the DC Universe, there was no need to do it in this book instead of in Flash, JLA or Titans...

These things are what cause the largest continuity problems, showing a complete scene, where a simple reference, a comment by a character, would do. If you didn't waste pages and pages on those needless scenes, you could use those pages to tell the stories that are actually specific to Countdown (Mary Marvel, Piper and Trickster, Jimmy Olsen, etc).

Removes those scenes, and not only you get the extra pages for the Countdown-specific stories, but you can work the continuity better. To mention the worst fuck up, the Amazons attack on the US can't be taking two months, yet it's shown as happening during this week of Countdown, and it was first shown in Countdown 47. Superman would be out there, giving a 150% to save lives and stop the war... and even if by any chance he didn't have his powers, he'd be out there as Clark Kent, reporting on the war. But no, Clark Kent is lounging in the Daily Planet's offices, making jokes about global warming.

The coloring errors on Monarch's face, Holly Robinson's hair length, even the horrible art, all those things can be forgiven. But the continuity fuck ups are simply outrageous, and when the book's editors (namely Mike Carlin) are asked about this by Matt Brady, from Newsarama, they just brush the questions aside, in a way that's even insulting.

Matt Brady is usually accused of brown-nosing creators and editors of the comic publishing companies, particularly Joe Quesada of Marvel, and although he sometimes seems to ask only the questions that the interviewee approves of, it's mostly a matter of him having cordial relations with these people. In this case, however, he completely did away with the brown-nosing accusations, and completely grilled Mike Carlin. He was so on-point, that I couldn't do less than quote fragments of the interview here:

Newsrama: Fair enough. Back to that point about the editor's boxes – as it was revealed on the news, Amazons took down the President's plane? Where did that happen? Why isn't there a pointer for readers to find it?

Mike Carlin: Countdown won't match every week but do check out Amazons Attack this month.

NRAMA: Timing things out, it's on the news as a recap, so it's already happened, and Clark is just sweating the day away in the Daily Planet? Can we discuss how time is presented throughout this series? Is everything that we saw, scene-by-scene meant to be taken...at least...sequentially? It seems like this raises more issues that it settles - the Amazons are attacking and killing people, yet we see Clark Kent...just hanging out? It seems that, by inaction, he's at most endorsing, and at least, allowing the Amazon's actions...

MC: It's on the news later in the issue... you really should give things some minute-to-minute time to unfold, no? This is an age old problem in a shared universe, though, why doesn't Superman intervene in every issue of Blue Beetle or Birds of Prey or everywhere in all titles...

Sometimes when all is said and done, you can piece your year of all DC publications-- and figure a kinda place for everything...

or you can just relax and enjoy the comic you're reading!

(...)

NRAMA: Yeah, but still - Clark's blase attitude while his adopted country is under attack and its citizens dying due to a friend's nation kind of goes to the larger question - what's the mood like in the DCU now? Sure, readers can see the larger threads, but does the average hero (okay, aside from Batman) realize anything big and bad is going on?

MC: Again... at least let the timing in the issue you're reading dictate when things are happening...even Superman can't predict the news!

Newsarama Note: The effects of Amazons Attack were first seen in Countdown 47, which, if going by the original explanation of time in this series, suggest that the Amazons have been attacking the U.S. for over a month. We still wonder how Clark can justify sitting around, but we’ll move on.

NRAMA: Speaking of that "sense of something going on" something that was a hallmark of 52 was it's separate plot threads that, despite many readers' predictions, remained virtually separate through the entire story. Given the canvas is much larger for this story, will we be seeing that happen in Countdown, or will storylines weave in and through each other and reach their own conclusions?

MC: These stories will criss-cross and meld to the end... at least the threads that don't end suddenly-- and tragically! Here's a way to look at Countdown... it's not 52. 52 covered a lost year-- 52 literal weeks. Countdown is several stories that play out in their own time... not a year's worth in the DCU.

Nothing that happens in the DCU happens in real time... Lois & Clark have known each other for maybe 8 or 9 years in real time-- but they've celebrated twenty Christmas issues since 1986 alone!

If you think about it too much you will die!

NRAMA: Okay, well that’s one way to handle it. Again, back to the editor's box comments - the Karate Kid scene...when we last saw him in Countdown, he was fine. Nothing bad happened. Now, they're carrying him...what happened, when, and where?

MC: Dude, give up on the editors' boxes.

NRAMA: Never. Thing is, if you're going to say that Countdown #42 was before “The Lightning Saga,” and this scene in #41 was after, that doesn't wash, as All-Flash #1 showed clearly that Wally got back within an hour of Bart dying - but we already saw Bart's funeral in #43...which Wally apparently skipped out on for his own reasons. Time and events can be fluid, sure, but the events don’t seem to be matching up to the actual books that have been published. So what's the order of events here?

MC: Good thing I didn't say "Countdown #42 was before “The Lightning Saga"...honestly the whole universe is-- and has to be-- fluid... some things do happen off camera. And in the super-hero biz you sometimes end up getting carried.

But, frankly, it looks to me like buddies trying to hustle to a small opening-- and Karate Kid is standing pretty firmly for the rest of the page. Not like he was on a stretcher suddenly!

Newsarama Note: Not to nit pick Mike, specifically, but in discussing Countdown #43, he said “So it’s my vote that this happened before Wally was back,” speaking of the funeral, while All-Flash #1 showed that Bart died and Wally returned within the same hour.

Likewise, the “carrying” of Karate Kid is a recreation of the scene from JLA #10, where Kid’s teammates were helping him to walk due to the injuries suffered when Wally came back – time, apparently is very fluid - the Karate Kid scene is happening at one time, the Piper/Trickster at another (stemming out of them attending Bart's funeral) at another, and the Amazons' activities at a third.

So, for his work, I've awarded Matt Braddy the first ever Honorary Nitpicker Scout badge!


NIT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. It could not be lower.
<-------------------------------->
"JIMMY OLSIN, SUPERHERO."

TITLE: Action Comics.

ISSUE: 852.

CULPRIT: Kurt Busiek (writer) and/or Jared K. Fletcher (letterer).

NIT-TO-PICK: On page 4, as part of a scene mirroring one from Countdown 42, Lois Lane catches Jimmy Olsen sketching costume designs, and she calls him on the corny names, but in this issue she says "Human Porcipine" instead of "Porcupine".

NIT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar, just a typo... my my, how long ago has it been since we had a 1 Bazzar nit?
<-------------------------------->
"AND TONY STARK IS THOR!"

TITLE: Avengers Classic.

ISSUE: 02 ("The Avengers Battle The Space Phantom", story originally printed Avengers V1 02, 1963).

CULPRIT: Stan Lee (writer).

NIT-TO-PICK: I must say that it pains me to no end to feature Stan "The Man" Lee in this column as a culprit for the first time... But somebody has to do the ugly work, and that somebody is yours truly. On page 10, panel 1, Rick Jones tries to calm down the Hulk, in that old dance that has been going on for more than 40 years. However, Rick must not be a very good friend, because he says "(...) make sure you're able to turn back to Doctor Don Blake (...)" Uuh.... Rick, my man... Don Blake is Thor's alter ego, I think you were looking for Dr. Bruce Banner...

NIT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Stan, I'm sorry, but if it had been later in the history of the Marvel Universe, I would have let it go, but this early on, this would have confused readers to no end.
<-------------------------------->
"GAMMA MUTATIONS AMOK!"

TITLE: Avengers Classic.

ISSUE: 02 ("The Avengers Battle The Space Phantom", story originally printed Avengers V1 02, 1963).

CULPRIT: Jack Kirby (penciller).

NIT-TO-PICK: Oh my God!!! I mean, "Oh Hashem!", since it's King Kirby I'm nitpicking on now. I'm really sorry Jack, but you left yourself wide open to this one... Hulk, from the first page of the story, up until page 14 is portrayed as having three toes on each foot.

Now, this, as well as his original grey color, and his intelligence (while he wasn't Banner smart, he wasn't all Hulk smash, he spoke in complete sentences), all those changes, can, and probably have been, chalked up to the gamma mutation process. However, on page 14 he has four toes, until the end of the story... come on Jack, where you multitasking? See below for the comparison.


NIT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars for blatancy.
<-------------------------------->
"FLUID SEATING."

TITLE: Black Canary V3.

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Paulo Siqueira (penciller).

NIT-TO-PICK: This book is off to a good start, with both a look at Green Arrow and Black Canary's early interactions, and Black Canary's life today with her adopted daughter, Sin. Tony Bedard, who is a competent writer at the very least (his Exiles and Legion of Super-Heroes, while not as good as Winick's and Waid's, are enjoyable) spins the tale, while penciller Paulo Siqueira provides beautiful art, in conjunction with inker Amilton Santos.

Like most of their fellows in this recent Brazillian invasion of the American comics scene (I assume they are Brazillian from their names, and it's doubtful they're not), they can draw some very hot women (Ed Benes, anyone?), and when they draw faces, you can actually tell someone's age (look at the page below, number 14, and you'll see the teenaged Speedy, the child Sin, and the adult, somewhat mature, Green Arrow).


However, not all is perfect... and remember when I sometimes mention that I take note of a page in a book I'm reading because it has a nit and then forget what it was? I've started putting a note about what the nit is about next to the page number... but apparently, I don't do it always, and when it's not obvious, I can read and re-read the page over and over, looking over the art and trying to spot that little detail I spotted the first time I read it.

In this case, I got nothing... or at least, what I found I'm certain is not what I found the first time, and it's not something I'd caught reading this book (I really don't obsess over each page trying to find a nit, they just become apparent to me). Look at the page below carefully, you'll see, in panel one (which is kind of a juxtaposition of two images, or rather, the background is not complete to let us center on Ollie and Dinah), and you'll see the two adults are sitting on one side of the table, and the teen and child on the opposite side across the table.

Ollie's left arm, the one with his watch on the wrist, is on the far side from the table. That holds true for the next panel, and we can see the two girls still on the opposite side of the table, with Ollie's right arm facing them. The "camera" shifts for panel 3 and 4, and you can see Ollie facing the reader. It's quite clear that they're all still seated in the same positions, however, on panel 5, Sin tugs Ollie's sleeve (and I just found a different nit, more on that on the following entry) and all of a sudden she, and the table are to his left, watch on his wrist and all.

And no, it's not that Siqueira drew the watch on the wrong arm, because on panel 6 you can see Ollie facing Sin, and from the way the seating arrangement was show on the first panel, you can see facing her like that would be impossible, they are now seating next to each other. Even in panel 5 you can see Sin and Ollie "sharing" one corner of the table, when Ollie was sitting directly across Speedy, and Sin across Dinah.

NIT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, it's not story-affecting, and it's not blatant, but it's a show of sloppiness on Siqueira's part, when he can't even keep track of the seating arrangement for one single page.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S SPANDEX, WHAT ELSE DID YOU EXPECT?"

TITLE: Black Canary V3.

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Paulo Siqueira (penciller).

NIT-TO-PICK: Look at the page again, you'll see that Ollie's shirt has very short sleeves (nice guns man!) that end about three inches down from his shoulder, and is tight; but when Sin tugs at his sleeve, it reaches his elbow.

NIT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"COLOR-SHIFTING BLING!"

TITLE: Black Canary V3.

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: I.L.L. (colorist)... International League Of 'Luminators?

NIT-TO-PICK: I just found a third nit while going over the seating arrangement thing, looking at page 13, Ollie's watch and Dinah's bracelet are silver, and Sin's shirt is a very light blue. Then on page 14, the one above, the jewelry is golden, and Sin's shirt is distinctly white. This is what happen when you need more than one person to color a single issue...

NIT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BLOW THAT FUNKY BUGLE!"

TITLE: Marvel Illustrated: Treasure Island.

ISSUE: 02 of 06.

CULPRIT: Hard, read below, but I'm saying it's Roy Thomas (writer), with a little responsibility on part of Mario Gully (penciller) and VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

NIT-TO-PICK: I read the novel when I was a kid, around 8 or 9, and it was fun... so I naturally picked up this comic series, with more reason when I learned it was to be scripted by Roy Thomas, a giant in this art (not to mention the beautiful Greg Hildenbrandt covers). Still, isn't the name of the line "Marvel Illustrated" kind of redundant... I mean, Marvel is primarily and traditionally a comics publisher... so it's a given that it's illustrated!

Anyhoo, look at this panel, number 2, from page 10. The guy is obviously blowing on a bugle of some sort to announce himself. How can he blow it and speak at the same time?


NIT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MUCHA LUCHA!"

TITLE: Super-Villain Team-Up: Modok's 11.

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Fred Van Lente (writer).

NIT-TO-PICK: This book started alright, but without much of the humor I would expect from Fred Van Lente, writer of the infinitely funny "Action Philosophers!" comic (what, you don't know it? Go look for it, dammit!

Anyway, Mr. Van Lente, after showing us Modok's origin, continues the story with Armadillo wrestling in Acapulco against "El Chupacabra" (who I don't know if he is a Marvel villain, or just a fake wrestler, or a real wrestler, that Van Lente put into the story). The Spanish dialogue of the guy commenting the fight is perfect at first, showing that either Van Lente knows Spanish, or took the time to consult with someone who does.

As you can imagine, I was ecstatic! The dialogue is perfect, even having tildes in some words, and using opening exclamation points (in Spanish you don't say "Yes!" or "What?", you say "¡Si!” or “¿Qué?”)

However, not all is perfect... I like Mexican wrestler, and while I'm by no means an expert on the subject, I'm pretty sure that they don't use English names for the wrestler's moves, like they do here with "brain-buster", "roadkill slammer", and even the word "finisher" to describe this last move.

NIT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars, since the rest is practically perfect and shows Van Lente is diligent.
<-------------------------------->
"MEXICO IS SO POOR, THEY DON'T HAVE PLURAL FOR THEIR CURRENCY!"

TITLE: Super-Villain Team-Up: Modok's 11.

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Fred Van Lente (writer) and/or Blambot's Nate Piekos (letterer).

NIT-TO-PICK: On page 8, Big Papi, the guy who set up the fight for Armadillo, says the wrestler's purse for the fight is "ten-thousand-peso"; when it would be "pesos", since it's plural, like "dollar" and "dollars".

NIT-O-METER: 1 Bazzars, it could just be a typo.
<-------------------------------->
"ANYWAY, IS IT MODOK OR M.O.D.O.K.?"

TITLE: Super-Villain Team-Up: Modok's 11.

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Francis Portela (penciller).

NIT-TO-PICK: I'm pretty sure I didn't mark this page because of the nit I just found while I was reviewing it, but it's still a nit. On page 15, panel one Rocket Racer (yes, Rocket Racer!) is standing next to a sign with a Daily Bugle front page, with of course, Spidey on it. The headline says "Spiderman still menaces New York." Thing is, the character's name is "Spider-Man", and it's something every red-blooded comic fan knows... and any professional working at Marvel should know too!


NIT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I'M EXPLORING OTHER CAREER CHOICES."

TITLE: World War Hulk: X-Men.

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Andy Schmidt & Nick Lowe (editors) and Will Panzo (assistant editor).

NIT-TO-PICK: I found this one while checking out the credits to see who the culprit was for the nit below, the one I had originally spotted in this book. So, on the credits page, VC's Joe Caramagna is credited as colorist, when he's the letterer. And it's not like they switched the colorist and letterer credits around, no, they credited two colorists and no letterer.

NIT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars, because I just checked and they did it last week. It's important to credit people properly.
<-------------------------------->
"HE'S USING HIS TELEPATHY TO DISGUISE HIS EYE COLOR!"

TITLE: World War Hulk: X-Men.

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Laura Villari (colorist).

NIT-TO-PICK: She did it again. Laura, check references, Professor Xavier's eyes are blue, and not brown. Oh, page 3, panels 1 and 3.

NIT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars, and it'll keep growing.
<-------------------------------->
"THE HAND OF FATE."

TITLE: Teen Titans Go!

ISSUE: 43.

CULPRIT: Whoever digitally composed the cover for printing (added logos, etc).

NIT-TO-PICK: This book came out some time ago, and I don't even read it, but this nit was reported to me by my friends Roy and Bea from Dragon Comics, so here's an Honorary Nitpicker Scout badge for them!


Look at the cover below, I'd challenge you to "find the nit", but Roy and Bea already sent the error circled out in red, so... Hey, now that I mention it, who would like a "find the nit" contest every week? In this case, as you can see, Raven is on the lower right corner of the cover, and both her hands are there... however, at the top left side, next to Starfire (or Fakefire, because those breasts are too small for Starfire, sorry), lo and behold, a disembodied hand of Raven!


Some research on the net allowed me to find out that the hand came from the cover to the previous issue (see below), and it was left there due to some computer glitch when they composed the cover, as confirmed by writer J. Torres on this TitansGo thread. The error only affected the copies sold to the public, because according to Torres, none of his comp copies had it.


NIT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, this is stupid, but blatant. Oh, following recommendations from Roy and Bea, as well as Ziplizard and others, I actually read this issue and it was okay, I guess, for kids, or reading with them... but nothing that makes me want to keep reading the book. And I totally hated those cutesy chibi-style interlude/side note things...
<-------------------------------->
"YEAH, I'M A WHIZ WITH ELECTRONICS... SAY WHAT, YOU CAN PLAY MUSIC ON AN IPOD?"

TITLE: Teen Titans Go!

ISSUE: 43.

CULPRIT: J. Torres (writer).

NIT-TO-PICK: The dangers of making me read a comic... you know I'm gonna spot a nit. In this case, on page 15 Jinx says she can open the door to Titans Tower with her Titan communicator, to what Gizmo says that he had one of those and didn't know it was a key. Come on! It's Gizmo, who's a genius with electronics and all that stuff!!!

NIT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BOB, WE THINK YOU'RE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME WITH WEIRD PETE."

TITLE: Knights Of The Dinner Table.

ISSUE: 129

CULPRIT: Jolly R. Blackburn (writer/artist/letterer, because of the latter, in this case).

NIT-TO-PICK: On page 31, panel two, dialogues that, by context, should be Weird Pete's, actually are said by Bob.

NIT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars, it still kind of makes sense. And I know I said I stopped reporting typos on KODT, but this is not a typo. The mag still has several typos per issue...
<-------------------------------->
As meaty as the column was, in text amount, the average went down from last week (tough not to go down from that 8.1!), since there were many low-ranking nits this time. We have a 6.3 Bazzars average this week, and who knows what'll happen next week?

Let me know what you think about the two new things we have, the Nitpicker's Picks Of The Week, and the Honorary Nitpicker Scout badges... and it you want me to have a "spot the nit" contest each week (the prize will be a badge, like I have budget for anything else... oh, whoever has the time, disposition, and skills to design a better badge, knock yourself out!). That's it for now, until next week, I'll be on the outlook for more nits, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE NITPICKER!