The Dissector #113.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Several boys reached puberty and exploded in their pants upon seeing her." Narrator, about Cin (aka Cinderella). Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #54.

Amazing what Balent passes for story in his pagan smut magazine... Here we are, with the dissections for the week of 02/04, starting the month of February... and I'm still two months behind!!! The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follows: Best Book Of The Week was Final Crisis: Legion Of Three Worlds #3, just a fangasm for any Legion follower; but also good art and story. Worst Book Of The Week was Golem #1; amateurish, boring, bland.... not much more to say. Wait... it was a one-shot? Okay, now it makes even less sense... The DT! was cracked by Sully, and it was that Nemesis is called "Tressar" instead of "Tresser". Now, the dissections!
<-------------------------------->
"ASTONISHING DISSECTIONS."

TITLE: Astonishing Tales V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Kenneth Rocafort (penciller).

DISSECTION: This one's pretty easy.


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"PERRO MALO!"

TITLE: Bad Dog (Image).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Joe Kelly (writer).

DISSECTION: A storekeeper counts money in a language that resembles Spanish or Portuguese, but is fake.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, one of the characters mentions "Viagara".
<-------------------------------->
"NOT SUITABLE FOR CHUILDREN."

TITLE: Bang! Tango (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Adrian Sibar (penciller).

DISSECTION: A magazine cover advertises "Audult Content".

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"NEXT TIME, THIS TIME."

TITLE: Black Lightning Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06

CULPRIT: Rachel Gluckstern and/or Joan Hilty (editors).

DISSECTION: The "next in" blurb for issue #4 says Black Lightning will be approached by Talia al Ghul... when he was already approached by her... in this very issue...

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"WIT OR WITOUT YOU."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 112.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I wrote "wit" instead of "with". Thanks to Sully for spotting it, another badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FREEZING CONTINUITY."

TITLE: Final Crisis: Legion Of Three Worlds (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: Polar Boy is questioned because he was a Substitute... but he was Legion leader... even with all you see in Geoff John's new continuity, that seems to have remained.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars, this could be just me. Also, two of the Brainiac's eyes are colored purple. Again.
<-------------------------------->
"GOLLUM."

TITLE: Golem (Studio 407).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Scott Barkman & Jeff Lee (writers).

DISSECTION: The word "treacherous" is spelled "trecherous".

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Also, it's "piñata" not "pinata".
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"MY GOD HAS A H.A.M.M.E.R.!"

TITLE: Invincible Iron Man V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: H.A.M.M.E.R. is shown enforcing law in different parts of the world, when it's a USA agency, not a UN agency as S.H.I.E.L.D. was.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Norman Osborn's hair and eyes are colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
"QUE OPEÑA ME DA."

TITLE: Punisher V8 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Artist Jerome Opeña is credited as "Opena".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"SO SECRET, THEY DON'T KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES."

TITLE: Secret Warriors (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis & Jonathan Hickman (writers).

DISSECTION: Tony Stark is shown in a chart to be affiliated with Stark Industries, when he's no longer with them, he left everything to Pepper Pots (pending disassembling by H.A.M.M.E.R.).

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"NEXT, IN THE BOYS..."

TITLE: The Boys (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 27.

CULPRIT: Non-credited editor.

DISSECTION: The "next issue" blurb is wrong, showing the contents of this issue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"UNCANNY RESEARCH JOB,"

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: Annual #2 (2009).

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: This one belongs to the week of 01/21, I knew there was something fishy with the continuity of this issue, but I couldn't quite place my finger on the problem, so I let it go. Fortunately for us, Snakebyte did a great job of looking into the matter and putting this together:

"Let me go through this step by step.

Namor's presence indicates that this took place after Fantastic Four #4, as prior to that he was an amnesiac bum. (May 1962)

Tony Stark's general demeanor and drunken-ness indicates that he was most likely not Iron Man, therefore indicating that this takes place prior to Tales Of Suspense #39 (March 1963), or failing that during his alcoholism, at any time prior to Iron Man #184 (July 1984).

Shaw's quest for a White King indicates rather obviously that he does not HAVE a White King. This is also rather obviously the initial incarnation of the Hellfire Club, Shaw and Emma's presence being the most obvious tells. In the original incarnation of the Hellfire Club, while Shaw was in power, there have only been two white kings. One was a joint position held by Magneto and Storm. I don't have the exact issue number for this one, but it was in New Mutants, around the 50s. Roughly 1987. The previous White King was Donald Pierce, who was later expelled from the club. The expulsion occurred in the New Mutants graphic novel that took place prior to the series. 1982. As Pierce is present in this issue, quite unexpelled, this obviously takes place prior to anything New Mutants related.

So we have a timeline. Probably 1962-1963, definitely 1962-1982. The reference to Shaw's recent coup of taking over the club, and the lack of detailed knowledge on all parties concerned regarding Sentinels, suggest the earlier timeline. Not proving it, but suggesting it; as do the absences of Jason Wyngarde and Harry Leland.

Oh goddamn I just realized something else. Norman Osborn's there. Norman Osborn was presumed dead from June 1973 to 1995-1996, just after the death of Gwen Stacy. That cuts nine years off.

1962-1973.

I suppose I'll have to stop being a smug git and get to the point. =(

The crux of the issue is Selene.

The character of Selene was introduced in New Mutants #9 (November 1983), and did not leave it until New Mutants #11. Prior to that, her spirit had been trapped in Nova Roma for 'centuries', and was not able to leave after an indeterminate amount of time afterward. She joined the Hellfire Club in New Mutants #23 (January 1985).

Thus, it is impossible for Selene to be present because, in reverse chronological order:
A: Tony Stark is drunk
B: Donald Pierce is neither White King nor expelled from the Hellfire Club
C: Norman Osborn is publicly alive.

I rest my case, bitches."

Bottom line is, Selene can't be there if Pierce is still a member of the Hellfire Club's Inner Circle (and vice versa). I argued that Stark and Osborn's problems could have happened in different storyline times than the X-stuff; but Snakebyte replied by correlating stuff to events like Secret Wars. He's been reading old Marvel stuff for some time now, and I read all that stuff like fifteen years ago... congratulations for a research task well done, and thanks for the stuff you contribute to this column.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"COLOSSAL COLOSSUS."

TITLE: X-Men Vs. Hulk (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Jheremy Raapack (penciller)

DISSECTION: Yes, Jheremy. We know Colossus is a big guy... but he's not an entire meter (or more) taller than Kitty Pryde and Wolverine, not even in his armored form. Nor does he change sizes while in human form.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. A passable one-shot, surprisingly so considering it's written by Chris Claremont; who's not been up to his former skills lately.
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That's done, then and we get a 5.8 Bazzars average on twenty dissections... there you go. The voting on the Autopsy Awards is over; I shall be posting the results soon. I must say that while I'm a bit sad I didn't get votes from more folks, it's probably my fault as I haven't met my (self-imposed) deadlines at all these past months. As a matter of fact, I'm more than two months behind. I think I'm going to write larger columns, one for each month (one for the remaining weeks of February, one for all of March, and one for what's passed of April), to catch up. A bit against my usual modus operandi, but desperate times...

Let's check out the Moments Of The Week before I go and feel depressed about being so behind. First up, Legion fangasm!



*drools* Wow, that's amazing... Then...


He's back! Now, what are friends for?


If not for warning you about transvestites? And finally:


Nice outfit, Professor Charles Picard! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #112.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"FOUL HOMUNCULUS. THY VERY EXISTENCE DOES INSULT TO THE TRUE GOD OF THUNDER." Thor, to Clor, Avengers: The Initiative #21.

With this column, we catch up... partially, as the month of January comes to an end. Granted, it was a "longer month", since the comics that should have been released one 08/12/31 came out on 09/01/02, adding a month to what are otherwise standard four-week months. The DT! from last column was cracked by DrSilent, who correctly spotted that Deathstroke's eyepatch was missing one of the strings holding it in place. Badge for you, Lieutenant. I still want to remind everyone that voting for the Autopsy Awards 2008 is open until the end of March.

Now, before the dissections, The Dissector's Picks Of The Week. Best Book Of The Week goes to Star Wars: Legacy #32; best Star Wars book being published... enough connections to the original mythos to be likeable, enough removal to be original. And no Clone Wars era, that's always a bonus. Worst Book Of The Week is Legion Of Super-Heroes #50 *draws breath* IT FUCKING SUCKED! DC Comics cancels the book, fucks up Jim Shooter's storyline (by ending the storyline in a hurry, getting an editor to wreck it), and releases a book with a creative team that doesn't match what was promised. "Justin Thyme" writes the book, possibly because Shooter wanted nothing to do wit this travesty, and Francis Manapul is pulled out of the project to work on something else, turning the art chores over Ramon Bachs, who ought to have his hands chopped off... or perhaps, it's already happened, the way he draws...

Not only do his characters look hideous, but they also change designs inside the same issue. Actually, I've seen stuff by him before, and it wasn't bad... so this means that he either drew this issue in 15 minutes, while drunk; or that he paid his ten year old nephew to draw it for him. How does DC top this? By saying goodbye with a "We greatly appreciate the support of our loyal readers!" Yeah, that's why you fucked them over with this comic. Thanks!
<-------------------------------->
"THESE HERE IS ARE COMIC!"

TITLE: The 3 Geeks: Slab Madness! (3 Finger Prints).

ISSUE: 01 of 03.

CULPRIT: Rich Koslowski (writer).

DISSECTION: One of the characters asks "Where'd we buy are books?" instead of "our books".

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TACAÑANDO EL TAMAÑO."

TITLE: Avengers: The Initiative (Marvel).

ISSUE: 21.

CULPRIT: Christos N. Gage (writer) and/or VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Melee, who is Hispanic, uses the word "tacaños", "cheapskates", and as was to be expected, the "ñ" is smaller than it should be.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IF ME COLUMN WRITE."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 111.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Snakebyte noted that I screwed up in a couple of senteces in the last column, for example, I wrote "Superman says that if he Ultraman touch", when I meant "Superman says that if he AND Ultraman touch".

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Two badges for Snakebyte. By the way, I decided that the amount of badges required for each ranks were too low, so I readjusted them as follows:

High Admiral 131-infinite
Admiral 101-130
Rear Admiral 81-100
Vice Admiral 66-80
Commodore 51-65
Captain 41-50
Commander 26-40
Lieutenant Commander 16-25
Lieutenant 6-15
Ensign 1-5

Those who have less badges than what's now required for a rank will not lose their rank, but they will have to reach the amount necessary for the next rank in order to rise. For example, Snakebyte holds the rank of Vice Admiral, which before required 36 badges to reach, and now requires 66. Even though he only has 39 badges, he still retains his Vice Admiral rank, but he'll need to reach 81 to be Rear Admiral. As before, there is no way to reach the rank of Grand Admiral, which is reserved for me. Snake, nothing personal, but you were rising through the ranks too fast, and so were others, and I noticed that the increase in badge requirements had to be sharper as ranks got higher. These are the current ranks of the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps:

Grand Admiral MaGnUs
High Admiral Nysie (Honorary)
Vice Admiral Snakebyte 39
Cmdr. Dominik B. 23
Lt. Cmdr. Miss Kitty Fantastico 16
Lt. Cmdr. Guvnor 16
Lieutenant DrSilent 10
Lieutenant Sully 9
Lieutenant Snarf5181 6
Ensign Roy 5
Ensign Bea 3
Ensign Bored 3
Ensign Lucas Siegel 3
Ensign Tylo 2
Ensign Shadz 2
Ensign Mato 2
Ensign Matt Brady 1
Ensign Paul O'Brien 1
Ensign Trasgo 1
Ensign Mean Jeff 1
Ensign Ilustr8r 1
Ensign leahcim 1
Ensign TokerTheKid 1
Ensign Teukro 1
Ensign Wolfie 1
Ensign Jordan 1
Ensign Gary Greenwood 1
Ensign J. Corbin 5
<-------------------------------->
"PROTECTED ACCENTS."

TITLE: Fantastic Four V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 563.

CULPRIT: VC's Rus Wooton (letterer).

DISSECTION: The accented letters in the word "protégé" are smaller than the rest.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"BEAR NAKED LADIES."

TITLE: Incredible Hercules (Marvel).

ISSUE: 125.

CULPRIT: Greg Pak & Fred Van Lente (writers).

DISSECTION: The word "bares" is used instead of "bears".

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, Invisible Woman's hair is short on the cover, and long inside.
<-------------------------------->
"SMASH THE COLORS!"

TITLE: Justice Society Of America V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 23.

CULPRIT: Hi-Fi (colorist).

DISSECTION: Atom Smasher's hair is colored brown, instead of red, as it should be.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CHANGE, AS FAST AS A GAZELLE RUNS."

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 50.

CULPRIT: Ramon Bachs (penciller).

DISSECTION: Remember back in column #103, when I noted that Francis Manapul had radically changed Gazelle's design, from obviously alien, to slightly changed human (perhaps only cosmetically so)? Well, Bachs does one worse! Below, you can see in the upper left corner, Gazelle's first appearance in issue #37; and next to it, Manapul's rendition on issue #48. Then on the row below, Gazelle from the first pages of issue #50. Bach changes her hair, loses the markings on her face, and makes her features even more human (or what passes for human with Bach's art in this book). He also modifies her costume... but he doesn't stop there; because he even changes her appearance radically by the final pages of the book, and slightly in the same page:


My God, this is fucking outrageous! By the end of the book, she looks like a furry!!! Colorist JD Smith helps Bachs commit this crime, too.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MARVLS."

TITLE: Marvels: Eye Of The Camera (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Jay Anacleto (artist) or Richard Starkings & Comicraft (letterers).

DISSECTION: A newspaper says "retricts" instead of "restricts".

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"COMIC IS THE MEDIUM READ."

TITLE: Ms. Marvel V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 36.

CULPRIT: Brian Reed (writer).

DISSECTION: The phrase "Choking is the poison ingested..." doesn't make much sense. It was probably meant to be "Choking as the poison is ingested..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"NORTH LANDERS."

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 14.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: The words "stress" and "of" are ran together in a caption box.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"REIGN IN CZARNIA."

TITLE: Reign In Hell (DC).

ISSUE: 07 of 08.

CULPRIT: Keith Giffen (writer).

DISSECTION: Black Alice absorbs Lobo's powers, but her power is to absorb magical abilities; and Lobo is not magical.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Also, what does the word "selvage" mean in the books context? Nothing that makes sense.
<-------------------------------->
"MALARKY."

TITLE: She-Hulk V2 (Marvel)

ISSUE: 37.

CULPRIT: Peter David (writer) and/or Dave Sharpe (letterer).

DISSECTION: Mallory Book is called "Malloy" in this issue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S IN YOUR HANDS."

TITLE: Star Wars: Legacy (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 32.

CULPRIT: Omar Francia (artist).

DISSECTION: Mon Calamari hands are not depicted as they have been in canon (Star Wars: The Clone Wars animated series), but I'll give Francia some leeway, since he probably drew this before the animated episode was aired, and nobody even told him about the new design.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"PHANTOM POWERS."

TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 684.

CULPRIT: James Robinson (writer).

DISSECTION: While law enforcement officers at Metropolis extract criminals from the Phantom Zone, the Parasite absorbs Mon-El's powers, even if for just a moment... you mean Superman didn't tell them to watch out for that?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"UMBROLLA ACADOMY."

TITLE: Umbrella Academy: Dallas (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Gerard Way (writer) and/or Blambot's Nate Piekos (letterer).

DISSECTION: I guess it should be "anomalies" instead of "anomolies".

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WONDER DISSECTION!"

TITLE: Wonder Woman V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 28.

CULPRIT: Gail Simone (writer) and/or Steve Wands (letterer).

DISSECTION: Spot me this one:


DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Also, Wonder Girl's lasso and Vixen's Totem are missing.
<-------------------------------->
"X-FARCE."

TITLE: X-Force V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Craig Kyle & Christopher Yost (writers) and/or VC's Cory Petit (letterer).

DISSECTION: These kind of dissections are boring... "sacred" instead of "scared".

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"COMPLEAT GUIDE TO PRONUNCIATION."

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: New character "Cipher" insists that her name is "Cipher" and not "Cypher"... while talking... both spellings of the word have the same pronounciation.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. I guess the writer meant to signify that Graymalkin (whose speech patterns are outdated) pronounces it the way the British spell it... but there's no difference in pronunciation, regardless of how you spell it. Also, Anole's regenerated arm is smaller than it should be.
<-------------------------------->
A more or less low average of 5.3 Bazzars in twenty-eight dissections... Now it's time for the Moments Of The Week. First up, Johnny Storm knows how to party:


Those are, obviously, not the real Storm and Scarlet Witch, but girls playing dress-up... good thing Johnny has his own apartment away from the rest of the FF, or else, this would be hard to explain to Franklin and Valeria Richards! Next up, and again from Fantastic Four, talk about engagement presents:


Thanks Black Panther! And for our grand finale, the New Avengers react to the Dark Avengers:


Priceless. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #111.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"I can't believe I need to explain why it's a bad idea, but then again I can't believe you thought sewing your head onto a monkey's ass was a good one." Star Lord, to Gorillaman, Guardians Of The Galaxy V2 #9.

Okay, I'm back with the column for dissections for the week of 01/21; and before going on with the column, I want to urge you to vote for the Autopsy Awards 2008; I know I've been absent, so that's why I'm giving you time to vote until the end of March... that, and there's a couple of categories that are tied; and I don't want to break the ties by Deus Ex Machina.

Last column's DT! was cracked by J. Corbin; and it was the fact that John Stewart doesn't wear gloves as part of his GL uniform. Another badge for you, Ensign Corbin! The Dissector's Picks Of The Week were as follows: Best Book Of The Week was Guardians Of The Galaxy #9; good cosmic hero fun.... without being a cosmic drag. These are people. In space. I like that. Worst Book Of The Week was almost a tie between Final Crisis #7 and Final Crisis: Superman Beyond #2; but Final Crisis #7 takes the "prize" just because it was an immensely crappy ending to a really badly written story... Dissections, away!
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"I AM ÜNTERVELMED."

TITLE: Birds Of Prey V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 126.

CULPRIT: Swands (letterer).

DISSECTION: The "Ü" in Ünternet is smaller than the rest of the letters in one balloon, then a second time in the same page, it's the same size.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"CAPTAIN AMERICA: THEATER OF WAR... DROBE CHANGES."

TITLE: Captain America Theater Of War: America The Beautiful (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Gary Erskine (artist).

DISSECTION: Captain America's costume is full of mistakes, he has the wrong shield; etc. I almost let this go as an alternate universe tale; but Marvel itself calls Theater Of War "a series chronicling the adventures that made Captain America the hero we know today", and it's not under any kind of banner like "Ultimate", "Mythos" or "Max", so I'll consider it 616. Erskine himself says that the design of Cap's costume was "a deliberate choice", but if it's a 616 story, his costume shouldn't have been changed at all.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars for the costuming errors as a single one, but although I can't consider it a dissection (because it seems made as a wink), I wouldn't be so lenient with Baron Zemo being among a gathering of heroes in a soldier's funeral. I wouldn't even qualify it as an easter egg... he's in plain sight, sitting between Colossus and Spider-Man. What I will consider dissections are the facts that She-Hulk is only slightly taller than the Black Cat, and Thor is about the same size as Daredevil and everybody else... Also, I just noticed but... in one page the heroes have one seating arrangement, and then in the next, there's a close-up on Reed Richards and Sue Storm... and the heroes behind them aren't the same ones as before; in fact, Iron Man is seated next behind them, when in the previous page he was about three meters away!!!
<-------------------------------->
"TH DISSECTOR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 110.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: J. Corbin spotted that last column I wrote "Vixen's not wearing he totem", when I meant "her totem". He wanted to give it just 1 Bazzar, so I'll go with that. And he gets another badge, two more and he reaches Lieutenant.

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar.
<-------------------------------->
"DEATHSTROKE: THE DISSECTOR."

TITLE: Faces Of Evil: Deathstroke (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Georges Jeanty (penciller).

DISSECTION: This one is very simple:


DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CRISIS FINAL!"

TITLE: Final Crisis (DC).

ISSUE: 07 of 07.

CULPRIT: Grant Morrison (writer).

DISSECTION: Again, Imán's Spanish is incorrect, though not as bad as before. Of course, this pales against the atrocity that is the actual script itself...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, the Green Lanterns complain about a 24-hours charge limit to their rings; which is no longer there. From #6, my friend Kal had told that in that issue, Barry Allen's chest emblem is reversed; and I forgot. J. Corbin reminded me, so a badge for both. There you go J., one more and you make Lieutenant.
<-------------------------------->
"BEYOND CRAP."

TITLE: Final Crisis: Superman Beyond (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Grant Morrison (writer).

DISSECTION: Superman says that if he Ultraman touch, their matter and antimatter particles will annihilate each other... which is not true. Now, some people say this is not the same (or one of the several) Ultraman that has traded blows with Superman before... but I say this is just Grant Morrison's sloppy writing.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"THAT'S NOT BARRY!"

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 29.

CULPRIT: Pete Pantazis (colorist).

DISSECTION: Barry Allen's eyes are colored green, instead of blue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"AND THAT'S NOT BARRY, EITHER."

TITLE: The Lone Ranger & Tonto (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Brent Matthews & Neil Turitz (writers) and/or Romulo Fajardo Jr. (colorist).

DISSECTION: Mercury-poisoned people don't have green glowing eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SENIOR CITIZEN."

TITLE: Moon Knight V5 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Mike Benson (writer).

DISSECTION: Every time there's a comic set in Mexico or some other Spanish speaking place, I shudder. In this case, among other things, Benson has a Mexican character call Mark Spector "senior", instead of "señor".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Joe Caramagna, letterer and friend of this column, alternates correctly sized Ñs with smaller ones.
<-------------------------------->
"MYSTERIUS: THE UNACCENTABLE."

TITLE: Mysterius: The Unfathomable (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 01 of 06.

CULPRIT: Saida Temofonte (letterer).

DISSECTION: Several accented vowels are smaller than the rest of the letters.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"MERELY A FLESH WOUND."

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: 17.

CULPRIT: Tim Seeley (artist).

DISSECTION: Oy vey, I just read that there will be yet ANOTHER Exiles book... the good thing is that it will be written by Jeff Parker (Agents Of Atlas, etc). In this issue, Psylocke thinks "Sustain your focus, Betsy, keep the wounds closed.", yet there's no wounds visible on her. And her telekinesis is not fine-tuned enough to keep wounds closed without making a mess of them...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CLEAN START."

TITLE: Punisher: Frank Castle MAX (Marvel).

ISSUE: 66.

CULPRIT: Michel Lacombe (artist).

DISSECTION: A bare-chested Frank shows absolutely no old scars at all. Yes, he could have used some sort of miracle cure (magic, supertech, etc) to remove his scars, but I doubt it. Even if his scars disappeared during the time he was an angel (ugh), he'd still have a lot of them from the insanely huge amount of bullet hits and knife wounds he gets per story. Also, the Punisher's birthday is the same day as mine!

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IN VULCAN YEARS, IT'S LONGER."

TITLE: Star Trek: Countdown (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Mike Johnson & Tim Jones (script) and/or Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman (plot).

DISSECTION: The trailers for the new Star Trek movie keep looking better and better, and the first two issues of this prequel book to the film are pretty good. The story starts in the present (for Star Trek continuity), some eight years after the last movie (Nemesis, 2379), namely in 2387. The only glaring mistake with the story is that Spock says that he's lived in Romulus for the past forty years; when he only moved there in the TNG episode Unification; which takes place in 2367, only twenty years earlier.

That said, writers Johnson and Jones craft a good story over the plot provided by movie scripters Orci and Kurtzman. That, coupled with the trailers I've seen, makes me thing the movie's gonna rock.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Also, the colorists gave Spock blue eyes instead of brown ones.
<-------------------------------->
"I KNOW HE'S FULL OF SHIT, BUT..."

TITLE: Thunderbolts (Marvel).

ISSUE: 128.

CULPRIT: Frank Martin (colorist).

DISSECTION: Norman Osborn's eyes are colored brown, instead of blue, as they should be.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IS HE LIKE NORMAN?"

TITLE: Trinity (DC).

ISSUE: 40.

CULPRIT: Pete Pantazis (colorist).

DISSECTION: Hawkman's eyes should be blue, not brown.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ELECTRICITY, SOUND, WHATEVER..."

TITLE: X-Men: Kingbreaker (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Chris Yost (writer).

DISSECTION: A symbiote (a la Venom's) is said to be vulnerable to electricity, when symbiotes are vulnerable to fire and vibrations.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars, it could be a variant species. There's also a small dialogue error, with a word missing when Lilandra tells Gladiator that Vulcan's way is not Shi'ar.
<-------------------------------->
"BUENOS AYRES, AUSTRALIA."

TITLE: X-Men: Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 220.

CULPRIT: Mike Carey (writer) and/or Cory Petit (letterer).

DISSECTION: Professor Xavier mentions "Ayres Rock" instead of Ayers Rock. Also, I'm not counting it as a dissection. but the site has been renamed with its aboriginal designation, Uluru, years ago... I doubt a man as educated as Xavier would miss that.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Well, a 6.2 Bazzars average in thirty two dissections, the usual. And now, Moments Of The Week Galore! First up, Ares' pick up methods are not that effective...


But they're funny. Then, Dr. Doom is not as nice as Tony Stark:


Fun homage. And speaking of Tony, what's Norman doing with his stuff now?


Yeah, that. Norman Osborn for President! Then, Hank Pym changes codenames and costumes... again.


Uh... More Avengers, this is a cheap shot:


But damn, it works! Then, a nice Trek moment:


Captain Data! It only took him a little under 50 years in Starfleet to reach that rank. Next, Ant-Man's new hideout:


Tricia Helfer's bosom!! I mean, Yelena Belova's. Coming up? Tiny Titan's lunch time!


Priceless... And finally, you know how DC's Faces Of Evil event, the villains "take over" the book, and for example, Lex Luthor's name replaces Superman's title on the comic cover. Well, look who's Vigilante's "Face Of Evil":


Scary... That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #110.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Less talk, more boiling alive in skunk urine." Demon, Ghostbusters: The Other Side #04.

I never did catch up, and between hectic weeks at work, and my vacations, I slacked off even more. Here I am with the column for books released on 01/14; but I'll try to get on track as soon as possible... TRY. The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are the following: Best Book Of The Week is The Amazing Spider-Man #583; Obama backup story notwithstanding (but still fun to read); this book is consistently good; some weeks there might be a book that's better, but every time it's released, it's a good read. Worst Book Of The Week was Resistance #1... boring adaptation of a videogame, apparently.

Congratulations are in order to the Guvnor Paul C for breaking last column's DT!; the Inhuman's process for gaining their powers is "Terrigenesis" and not "Terregenesis"; not only does he gets a badge, he also reaches the rank of Lt. Cmdr. I'd also like you to welcome J. Corbin into the HDSC's ranks for noticing that in the column before last, the DT! was that the Calculator's hair was wrong. Welcome, Ensign Corbin!
<-------------------------------->
"SUMMER UNIFORM."

TITLE: Action Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 873.

CULPRIT: Brad Anderson & David Curiel (colorists).

DISSECTION: Jay Garrick's suit has short sleeves.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, Vixen's not wearing he totem.
<-------------------------------->
"I'VE HEARD OF SLIDING TIMESCALES, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!"

TITLE: Batman Confidential (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Andrew Kreisberg (writer).

DISSECTION: Again with the dating references... again, this storyline is supposed to deal with Batman's first run ins with the Joker... yet characters make references to the show "Grey's Anatomy" and about the Lambada being "so twenty years ago".

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, the Riddler's hair and eyes are colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
"WHO THE HELL IS DOCTOR DOOM?"

TITLE: Civil War: House Of M (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05 of 05.

CULPRIT: Christos N. Gage (writer).

DISSECTION: Bolivar Trask asks "Who is this Black Bolt?" Really, the Vice-president of the USA not knowing who Black Bolt is? Particularly one as paranoid and racist as Trask?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CHALLENGE OF THE SUPER DISSECTIONS!"

TITLE: DC Super Friends (DC).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Chynna Clugston (artist)

DISSECTION: Dissect me this one, my super friends:


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, the circle in Flash's emblem disappears at one point.
<-------------------------------->
"IT WAS AN ACCENT-DENT."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 108.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I've made a mistake, several times now; calling the acute accent a tilde, when those are different things. "Tilde" is correct, but in Spanish only. Thanks to J. Corbin for calling me on that, and he earns another badge.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"GHOSTS DON'T HAVE GOOD GRAMMAR."

TITLE: Ghostbusters: The Other Side (IDW).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Keith Champagne (writer) and/or Neil Uyetake (letterer).

DISSECTION: A character says "what threw me" instead of "that threw me".

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WE'RE ACTION FIGURES, WHY DO YOU EXPECT US TO SPEAK PROPERLY?"

TITLE: G.I. Joe (IDW).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Chuck Dixon (writer) and/or Chris Mowry (letterer)

DISSECTION: "Protocol, not "protocal"...

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"GOETHE'S INFERNO."

TITLE: X-Infernus (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 04

CULPRIT: C.B. Cebulski (writer)

DISSECTION: Nightcrawler calls someone "Liebschien"; when the German word for "dear or "sweetheart" is "Liebchen".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, letterer Dave Lanphear makes an "Ñ" too small.
<-------------------------------->
"SINISTER'S FINERIES."

TITLE: X-Men/Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: Mario Alberti (artist).

DISSECTION: Well, Mario Alberti is really a great artist... but no matter how much he wants to make it look pretty, Sinister's costume was always plain, and never had the intricate details, patterns, and frilly trimmings he's given it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Warren's costume is missing his emblem on one panel.
<-------------------------------->
My return to the column produces a 6.6 Bazzars average on sixteen dissections; pretty standard. Now, as to the Moments Of The Week; first up we see that Spidey's spider sense works on... all types of danger:



Yeah, I bet something else is 'tingling"... Next up, Spidey scores a friend on a high place:


Fist-bump! And last, one of the worst plot devices of all times:


No comment. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!