The Dissector #94.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Zombie monkeys! Riding dinosaurs! With JETPACKS! ON MARS! Contents may change prior to publication." Ambush Bug: Year None #3, "next in" blurb.

This will be the shortest column ever, and not a pretty one either... So I open my folder for the week of 09/24, and find only three books there, and after what I call "the culling" (the process where I go through my notes and check which dissections are actually incorrect and which I have to discard because they're not mistakes) I end up with only two books to write up. Well, one of them is Zorro, so that guarantees the minimum amount of dissections for one column... but should I still make use of my vault? Nah, sorry, even if this column is boring, it does help me catch up quickly.

Still, we've got fun stuff like the Moments Of The Week, the Picks, that funny quote up there, and the DT! Last column's was not solved; and it was the fact that Hal Jordan is wearing a uniform with shorts over his tights, which he hasn't in some time. I gave it a lower rating than usual, because it's a "fantasy" Hal Jordan, imagined by that dreaming kid, so... but still, since everybody else is wearing their current costumes, I chalk it up to artist mistake.

And then you've got The Dissector's Picks Of The Week: Best Book Of The Week was Legion of Super-Heroes V5 #46, Jim Shooter is writing the LSH like he... well, like he knows it like the back of his hand, which he does; and while I'm not a big fan of Francis Manapul's art, it's suitable. Worst Book Of The Week was Project Superpowers #5; they just keep dragging it on and on, don't they?

There's something I'd rather avoid, but since I've been keeping you updated, I'll say it... Jim H., aka Nutcase65 faked his death... Yes, his heroic sacrifice and struggle for life was all fake, a ruse he came up with to prove a stupid point about character deaths in comic books... When he's confronted and chastised for what he did, he has the audacity of reacting badly, and even of insulting me and this column! Well, at least all my readers click on my columns to read what I have to say, and I don't have to lie and manipulate people's feelings to write articles.

With that out of the way, it's now time for the (not so many) dissections.
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"LEGION OF SUPER-DISSECTIONS!"

TITLE: Legion of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 46.

CULPRIT: Francis Manapul (penciller).

DISSECTION: Here's one for Legion fans (or attentive people):


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"SEÑOR CABEZA DE PATATA!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: As usual, the uses of Spanish are incorrect. The funniest (or saddest) one is using "papa" for "dad", when it's "papá". "Papa" is "Pope", or "potato"; and he does it three times.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. And eleven dissections more; including one where a word in an English dialogue is missing.
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A nice and round 7.0 Bazzars average on thirteen dissections... truth is, all dissections got the same rating... 7. The DT! got a 7 after thinking it through, while language dissections get the same rating automatically, unless they're very repetitive, or they're too outrageous (like when they made up a word for Blue Beetle's cover). I like the number seven... but I'm rambling,

To end this column, the best part (at least this time) The Moments Of The Week! First, the Red Skull becomes the Red Screen:


Teletubbies!!! Then, what Darkseid does in his free time:


Scary! Next, a scene that could have been Quote Of The Week:


Better than Spidey! And then, look at this, and tell me Norman Osborn won't be the next President Of The USA in Marvel:


That's an edit of a wonderful sequence I made; here's the full speech: "Today... We make history. Thunderbolts! For Earth! For Freedom! Strike! (...) My friends! These creatures think Earth belongs to them! That they can come here--to our home--and make us kneel! But this is our world! This is our country! While a single breath remains in our bodies, we will fight and die to keep it! Stand with me! Show them! Let us shout it with one voice! This... is MY country."

Brilliant! On a completely different note, I've caught up with Doctor Who, and now I'm watching Torchwood... I'm watching episode 4, season 1... there's a fight between a cyberwoman and a pteranodon. awesome! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #93.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Innocents in peril are the opiate of the masks." The Joker, Birds Of Prey V2 #122.

Here we are, with the column for books released on 09/17, taking us halfway into the month of September, and almost, almost caught up. I'll start with a new retraction; turns out the German in Secret Invasion: X-Men was correct, although "biblical" in style. Thus, the average for last column changes, going up to 7.5 Bazzars. Thanks to Dominik for pointing this out, he earns himself another badge.

Nobody spotted the DT!, but more on that later. The Dissector's Pick Of The Week were quite easy; Best Book Of The Week was the stupendous Hellblazer #243, a book that almost always pays off. John Constantine STEALS SANTICLAUS' BONES, fer cryin' out loud! What more could you want? Well, if you read it, you know what else happens... if you don't, check out the moments of the week. Then there's the Worst Book Of The Week; which is Checkmate V2 #30, even beating Dreamwar, but not by a lot, because of it's boredom-inducing qualities. There, off you go to the dissections now, jolly good chaps!
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"DREAMSSECTION."

TITLE: DC/Wildstorm Dreamwar (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 06 of 06.

CULPRIT: Lee Garbett (penciller).

DISSECTION: This one's actually a bit difficult, but discerning readers can spot it.


DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars, it's an "imaginary" Hal, so. Also, Alan Scott's hair is colored brown instead of blond,.
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"MOVING AROUND."

TITLE: DC Universe: Decisions (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Rick Leonardi (penciller)

DISSECTION: Lois Lane's and Clark Kent's apartment looks nothing like it's been depicted in Superman's books.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"DISSECTING IN PLAIN VIEW."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 92.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Big boo-boo, detected by Snakebyte, my own Dissector. I normally decide the DT! after writing up all of the dissections; and I go back and delete the write up for the one I decide will be used for that feature. You know how I also don't give some dissections full entries, and just mention them (sometimes just barely) within the context of a more interesting one. In this case, I'd done that with the DT!, and left the text in place in the entry for the other dissection. Luckily, Snake caught it fast, and I was able to fix it before only him and Dominik (who hadn't caught it, apparently) had read the column. It was only within minutes of my publishing it, so no harm done, except robbing Snakebyte from his glory of catching the DT!, but he'll get an extra badge for that.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Snakebyte also noticed a word missing from my retraction last column; he gets yet another badge, two more and he makes Commodore. That lad is a rising star!
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"EMPRIE."

TITLE: Empire (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 06.

CULPRIT: Mark Waid (writer) and/or Comicraft (letterer).

DISSECTION: One of those dissections from my vault; to reach the minimum ten entries per column. This is a book which started publication in 2000 at Image, but it then stopped publication and only started again at DC in 2003. I recommend you hunt it down, there's even a TPB by DC. The dissection, in this case, is that one of the characters, Sebirus, is called "Serbius".

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"EL PUNISHER."

TITLE: The Punisher V7 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 62.

CULPRIT: Greg Hurwitz (writer) and/or Laurence Cambpell (artist).

DISSECTION: There's a building labeled "Almacenamiento General De Parque"; when it should be "Del Parque".

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Also, an Ñ is the wrong size.
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"HOLY BOOTS."

TITLE: Rann/Thanagar Holy War (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 08.

CULPRIT: Ron Lim (penciller) and/or John Kalisz (colorist).

DISSECTION: Yep, you've guessed it, Animal Man's boots.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"OHNOES, SINGER CAN'T FIGHT!"

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 502.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction & Ed Brubaker (writers).

DISSECTION: Cyclop's file Karma says he's not sure how she'll do now that the team's taken a more militaristic approach. Well, not only has Dazzler been a proven member of the X-Men in trying times, but she's also fought a war to free Mojoworld. So yes Cyke, she's more prepared than emotionally imbalanced (though cute) Pixie or your own girlfriend, Emma Frost, who used to be the X-Men's ENEMY. Pfft...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. As another note, Wolverine's car should be a "Maserati", not "Masarati".
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This column has an average of 5.9 Bazzars in ten dissections; an usual average. You want the Moments Of The Week? Happy to oblige. First up; a fun Atomic Robo moment that shows why I say it's like classic Hellboy:


Diapers, hehe. Next up, as I said before, Constantine and Santa:


YES! He's ground up St. Nick's bones and snorts them! Hell of a spell!!! Then, what happens when you run around with Greek gods?


Exactly! Now, Blue Beetle's legal guardians:


Okay, what a weird family unit.. Last, Cyclops knows when to be a leader, and when to be a big brother:


And yes, Rockslide is such a softy! Skin of stone, heart of putty, I love him in a non-gay way! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #92.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Think Sadie. Think... What would the Beastie Boys do? SABOTAGE, BABY!" Sadie Hawkings, Young Liars #7.

Here we are with the column for comics released on the week of 09/10; I'll start by apologizing, since I was wrong. The DT! is dissection at all... I thought the verb "to lie" was being used incorrectly. My bad; and the average actually goes down to 3.5...

The Dissector's Picks OF The Week are quite simple so I'll keep it simple; Best Book Of The Week is Star Trek: Mirror Image #3; a good look at the mirror universe Picard, while Worst Book Of The Week was the deplorable ending to an overall boring book, GeNext #5. Your dissections, as follows:
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"FIRE!"

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 571.

CULPRIT: Dan Slott (writer).

DISSECTION: The Radioactive Man raises the radiation levels "until the air around (anti-Venom) ignites in flames"... I don't know a lot about radiation, but nothing I can see tells me that that's even possible.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. If I'm wrong, and someone can scientifically argue that it is possible, I will retract, but I think it's a ball of baloney.
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"SPECIAL EFFECTS."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 88.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I just noticed I credited Guru as Guru FX, when it's Guru EFX or eFX.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I'M LAYING."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 91.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: So I screwed up, and cried "dissect this!" when there was nothing to dissect... the worst thing was confusing the verb usage.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"..."

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Jordan D. White (assistant editor) & Mark Paniccia (editor).

DISSECTION: Morph.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"PRAYING IN ALL THE WRONG LANGUAGES,"

TITLE: Secret Invasion: X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Mike Carey (writer).

DISSECTION: A Skrull device tells Nightcrawler "lasset uns beten", for "let us pray together, but I checked with my friend Santiago and "lass uns beten" is the right phrase, or even "lass uns zusammen beten".

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"BOLT OF HAIR DYE."

TITLE: Secret Invasion: Inhumans (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Guru EFX (colorist).

DISSECTION: Again, Black Bolt's hair is colored incorrectly.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"FAKE MOON RISING."

TITLE: Star Trek: Romulans The Hollow Crown (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 02.

CULPRIT: John Byrne (writer).

DISSECTION: The Romulan Praetor speaks about a "third moon" of Romulus, and there's no such thing. Romulus has one moon in canonical sources, and semi-canonical sources has it with two.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars; there's no need for that.
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"ROMULAN DISSECTION EMPIRE."

TITLE: Star Trek: Romulans The Hollow Crown (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 02.

CULPRIT: John Byrne (writer).

DISSECTION: This one is definitely wrong, I promise!


DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"IT'S STILL NOT A COSTUME."

TITLE: Trinity (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Mark Bagley (penciller).

DISSECTION: Wonder Girl's boots and pants are drawn incorrectly.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"THICK AND RICH."

TITLE: Wolverine: Saudade (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Jean-David Morvan (writer).

DISSECTION: Wolverine's claws are definitely not "less than a millimeter thick".

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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"DAS MAGENTIKTESTAMENTEN."

TITLE: X-Men: Magneto Testament (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Greg Pak (writer).

DISSECTION: Dominik once more comes to my German-language assistance: "The German in this book is garbage. So much for historical accuracy. “Ich habe deußtscher Mädchen geßchändet” is just plain horrible. If you boldly claim that you did historical research and all that, you can’t tell me that you didn’t figure out how to spell “Deutsche” or “geschändet.” You should at least have come across the word “Rassenschande” and “Deutsches Reich” at those places you reference in the back of the book. Seriously, if you just pretend to speak German after listening to Rammstein Songs and talking to that old Nazi that lives in the trailer park near you, you don’t go around talking big that you did serious research.

For all those interested, the Esszett is a letter exclusive to Germany and is basically a substitute for the Double-S. So it’s not “Missachtung” (disrespect), it’s “Mißachtung.”" And that's what I call a guest rant... as for the book, I was scared that an origin story for Magneto would be horrible, but except for the wrong German usage, it was pretty good.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars for each of the mistakes.
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So this makes for a 7.4 Bazzars average in fifteen dissections, much more "healthy", innit? Well, here are the Moments Of The Week. First up, Wonder Woman's apetastic advisors:


Funny! Then, "my god has a hammer":


Great scene! And for our ending:


You don't mess with Norman Osborn while using equipment you swiped from him! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #91.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"When I was a kid, Nick Fury was a white man! It's so amazing that he finally evolved into something that makes sense to me. But don't worry. See? You too can grow up to be a black man!" Samuel L. Jackson, Wizard Magazine #204.

Welcome to the first column for comics from September; specifically for comics released on 09/04. Thanks to Sully for cracking the DT! from last column; the woman claims to be the SRA union rep for Jackpot, but the SRA is a law, not an organization. In any case, she'd be Jackpot's Fifty State Initiative union rep.

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follows: Best Book Of The Week was again Hellblazer Presents: Chas-The Knowledge #3; just a solid Hellblazer book, and you know I like Brits. Worst Book Of The Week was El Diablo V3 #1... what a Ghost Rider rip-off!!! A bad one, too...

On a terribly sad note; I just learned that Jim H., former ICS.net writer has passed away. You can read the story here; but the short version is that despite the good news we'd had lately about his health; he finally succumbed to a massive infection and intracranial pressure. My deepest sentiments go to the family; may you be with God, Nutcase65...

Nothing more to say then, but to go on with the column:
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"NO, LEX IS THE BALD ONE!"

TITLE: The Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 570.

CULPRIT: John Romita Jr. (penciller).

DISSECTION: Norman Osborn's hair is wrong; he's gone way too bald in Romita's hands.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"SWANDS."

TITLE: Detective Comics (DC).

ISSUE: 848.

CULPRIT: Steve Wands (letterer).

DISSECTION: I'm pretty sure "THATDOESN'T STOP HIMFROM (...)" is not supposed to be printed that close together.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"SPEAKING OF VOLUMES."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 90.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Snakebyte spots two dissections in my latest column, and with that, gets two badges and makes Captain! Our very first Captain in the HDSC, congratulations! The first dissection is that he noticed that I had been labeling Blue Beetle as V7 (disregarding changes in publisher, but that's something I'm inclined to do in specific cases), when it's V8. In my defense, I believe that when I checked the Grand Comics Database to find out what volume the new series was when it started, one of the volumes, either by Modern or Holyoke hadn't been indexed.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. I also incorrectly named "Secret Invasion: The Amazing Spider-Man" as "Secret Invasion: Spider-Man". Also, if you want to report any dissections you can do so by e-mail (lordmagnusen at gmail dot com); or by joining the new ICS.net forums, which have a special thread for dissections. Just be sure to include the book title and issue in the subject, so I can ignore it until I've actually read the book.
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"YOU'RE DYING TO KNOW, AREN'T YOU?"

TITLE: Invincible Iron Man V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05.

CULPRIT: Frank D'armata (colorist).

DISSECTION: Is Frank aiming for a permanent slot here at my column? Because he keeps coloring Maria Hill's hair incorrectly.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
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"FRUCTUOXIA ITSELF SOUNDS LIKE A TYPO."

TITLE: Relatos De Ciudad Fructuoxia: El Gol De La Valija (Ninfa).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Nicolas Peruzzo (writer/letterer/artist, writer/letterer in this case).

DISSECTION: Several typos and typesetting errors not worth mentioning in detail.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars for the worst one.
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"SECRET SIXECTION."

TITLE: Secret Six V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Gail Simone (writer) and/or Steve Wands (letterer), credited as Swands.

DISSECTION: Spot this one, please:


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, they use the word "adventure" instead of "adventurer".
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Bloody hell! Sorry, I've been watching Doctor Who all night on my new laptop (yes, I'm happy man); and the language sticks. I was actually surprised because our average has been 3.7 Bazzars, in eleven dissections... the lowest, since column #64, a 4.1... and the lowest, EVER! Well, let's go on to the (only two, seems this week wasn't that eventful, in general) Moments Of The Week, First up, Stephen Mooney turns one of the sexiest characters in the Buffyverse into a horrible drag queen:


Good God! Death and ascension have not been kind to Cordellia! Then, Deadshot tells it like it is:


Yup, he's got videos! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!