The Dissector #117.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

05-06"I give you the one... the only... ... original reproduction of... ... the Nautilus!" Unnamed announcer, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Volume III: Century #1.

05-13"Relax. You're bridge crew. All gold and blue. (...) You're not red shirts, you two are fine. Security doesn't always make it home as much as you guys." Boyd, Star Trek: Mission's End #3.

05-20"Man, the guy's gotta be crazier than Norman Osborn's hairdresser." Ant-Man, about Ghost, Thunderbolts #132.

Well, it looks like I caught up! For how long? We'll see... This is the column for the first three weeks of May; as you can see in the quotes. Let's start with The Dissector's Picks Of The Week, shall we? The Best Book Of The Week for 05/06 was The Amazing Spider-Man V1 #593, as usual, a good read. Worst Book was Seaguy: The Slaves Of Mickey Eye #2... boring, inane crap disguised as "wacky". Best Book for 05/13 was Action Comics #877, showing that Action doesn't need Superman to work; while the Worst Book was Trinity #50... God, that series has been a huge failure...

Best Book Of The Week for 05/20 was the Sgt. Fury & His Howling Commandos one-shot; just some fun WWII adventure with more or less the same tone I'm enjoying in Atomic Robo. Worst Book was Superman/Batman #60... Lex Joker? ARGH!!! Also, I don't want to make a dissection out of this, but in X-Men Forever, Chris Claremont changed Gambit's name to Remy Picard... PICARD?!?!??! WTH?!?!!???!?!?

On a lighter note, nobody got the DT!, that's a pity. The dissection there was that both Sodam Yat and Arisia were referring to Scar, the corrupt Guardian Of The Universe as a "he", when Scar is female. Books indexed that don't get a write-up are: The Amazing Spider-Man V1, The Amazing Spider-Man Family, Angel: Blood And Trenches, Astonishing Tales V2, Marvel Mystery Comics 70th Anniversary Edition, New Mutants V3, Outsiders V2, Seaguy: The Slaves Of Mickey Eye, Star Trek: Alien Spotlight: Romulans, Strange Adventures V2, Terror, Inc.: Apocalypse Soon, Thunderbolts, and Tiny Titans. And now, dissections!
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"BATTLE FOR THE DISSECTION."

TITLE: Batman: Battle For The Cowl (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 03.

CULPRIT: Tony S. Daniel (writer) and/or Jared K. Fletcher (letterer).

DISSECTION: This one might be too easy.


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, as usual, the Riddler's hair and eyes are colored incorrectly.
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"PLEASE, COME IN... NO! NOT YOU!"

TITLE: Captain Britain And MI13 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 13.

CULPRIT: Paul Cornell (writer).

DISSECTION: So, Dracula and his cronies get into a house because they were outside it, listening in when the owner invited Pete Wisdom and his team? They weren't invited and they could still get in? WTF???

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"X-DISSECTOR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 116.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Snakebyte caught (as usual), one of my mistakes. I had the X-Factor/X-Terminators wrong; and the reference I check wasn't clear enough, I should have checked a second reference. To clarify, the five original X-Men used the X-Factor when they pretended to be mutant hunters, and as the X-Terminators they were a team of mutants. This lowers the average of the previous column to 6.4, and the amount of dissections to 73. My apologies to Kurt Busiek and Roger Stern.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Also, J. Corbin found some grammatical errors; achieving the rank of Lieutenant in the HDSC. Incidentally, I repeated one of those errors in this column, but the grammar checker caught it!
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"FIRESWRONG."

TITLE: Final Crisis Aftermath: Run (DC).

ISSUE: 01 of 06.

CULPRIT: Matthew Sturges (writer).

DISSECTION: Sturges write Firestorm as concerned for Martian Manhunter, calling him "J'onn", as if it was Ronnie Raymond, when it's Jason Rusch. Jason hasn't even served in the JLA alongside with J'onn, so this is out of character. On another note, he's also colored incorrectly, and there are several errors in John Stewart's costume.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"IN THIS FUTURE, SHE MARRIED HENK MCOY."

TITLE: GeNEXT: United (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer).

DISSECTION: Chris, you created the damn character, GET HER NAME RIGHT!!! It's "CECILIA", not "CECELIA". For the love of God, the name "Cecelia" doesn't even it exist.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"STEALING SPOCK'S CLOTHES."

TITLE: Star Trek: Mission's End (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Stephen Molnar (artist) and John Hunt (colorist).

DISSECTION: Why is Ambassador Sarek wearing a Starfleet uniform? Incidentally, Ambassador Cassidy wears a Starfleet uniform too, but since she was part of the original survey team to the planet, so she could be a Starfleet officer and a Federation ambassador at the same time (as unlikely as that would be).

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
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"I'M SEEING WHO YOU ARE, RIGHT AT THE DNA LEVEL!"

TITLE: Supergirl V6 (DC).

ISSUE: 41.

CULPRIT: Sterling Gates (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm sorry, but I won't accept that Supergirl can read DNA with her microscopic vision.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"ARMOR CLASS 10 (YES, I'M OLD SCHOOL)."

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 510.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: Matt, why are you writing Armor as a scared little girl, when she's an X-Man that's proved herself time and again?

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"I WILL CONSIDERTAE YOUR PROPOSAL."

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 13.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: You know how I always rant about the Spanish language mistakes this book has? Well, now they can't even write in English... The word is "consideration", not "considertaion".

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Of course, there are also thirteen Spanish dissections.
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This column had an average of 6.5 Bazzars, in forty-seven dissections. Now, let's go with the Moment Of The Week(s); first, with the Human Flame:


AKA Ron Jeremy? Next, Nick Fury gives cooking lessons:


And lastly, Tiny Titans continues to amuse:


He's the Main Man, so give me fifty push ups! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #116.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

04-01: "Trust me--The Age Of Stryfe pretty much makes The Age Of Apocalypse look like The Age Of Rebecca Of Sunnybrook Farm." Deadpool, Cable V2 #13.

04-08: "This room looks like I think." Rag Doll, Secret Six V3 #8.

04-15: "Fucking rabbit shit. All that bloating and production for four fucking pellets." Lightning Bowman, Ignition City #1.

04-22: "I'm a time-traveler standing on a burning planet that's falling into a hole in space while talking to a sorcerer. At this point I believe in everything." Major Victory, Guardians Of The Galaxy V2 #13

04-29: "I'm Charles Fort. My partner here is Howard Phillips Lovecraft. Unusual facts find me and unusual... THINGS find him." Charles Fort, Atomic Robo And The Shadow From Beyond Time #1.

Atomic Robo is so full of win... like I said before, it's the heir to Hellboy's crown in the weird adventure realm... more on the weird science side of the road than the weird occult side; but still. This is the column for all books in the month of April, and part of my ongoing effort in catching up.

Last column's DT! was spotted by DrSilent, who correctly pointed out that Longshot has four fingers and one thumb, instead of three of the former and one of the latter. DrSilent, badge for you, three more and you make Lt. Cmdr.

Now, The Dissector's Picks for each Week. Week of 04/01, Best Book was the Marvel Assistant-Sized Spectacular #1; a good anthology of short stories; while the Worst Book was Teen Titans V3 #69... it hasn't lived up to expectations lately, and this issue was just plain bad. Best Book for the week of 04/08 was Dark Reign: Hawkeye... nothing special, but some nice psycho fun with Bulls/Hawk/eye. Worst Book for that week was Titans V2 #12... the art in this book is not cutting it, and the story's nothing out of the ordinary.

Best Book for the week of 04/15 was, as it is often, The Amazing Spider-Man V1 #591... that book is just S.O.L.I.D.; and Worst Book was Star Wars: The Clone Wars #5... which is just B.L.A.N.D., a waste of paper and ink. Week of 04/22 has Kick Ass #6 as Best Book, and Hulk V3 #11 as the Worst Book. Hulk would SMASH if he read his own comic...

Lastly, week of 04/29's Best Book was, unsurprisingly, Atomic Robo And The Shadow From Beyond Time #1... I mean, Robo, Charles Fort, HP Lovecraft, Tunguska... the only thing missing here is Nikola Tesla himself!!! Worst Book for that week was, out of the blue, Ms. Marvel V2 #38... a crappy story about why the Dark Avengers Ms. Marvel (aka Moonstone, aka etc) is so evil and crap...

Since this is a catch up column for a whole month of books, lots of books got dissected, but get no write ups, namely: Angel, Angel: Blood And Trenches, Astonishing Tales V2, Avengers/Invaders, Batman Confidential, Cable V2, Captain America Theater Of War, Captain America Comics, Dark Reign: The Cabal, Final Crisis: Legion Of Three Worlds, Flash: Rebirth, G.I. Joe: Cobra, Hellblazer, Justice League Of America V2, Seaguy: The Slaves Of Mickey Eye, Star Trek: Mission's End, Superman/Batman, Superman: World Of New Krypton, The Authority V4, Titans V2, Trinity, Uncanny X-Men, Vigilante V3, Wolverine: Origin Of An X-Man, and Wolverine: The Anniversary. Now, dissections!
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"BILBO COBBLEPOT"

TITLE: Batman-Battle For The Cowl: The Underground (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Pablo Raimondi (artist)

DISSECTION: Yes, we know Penguin is supposed to be short, but he's not a damn hobbit!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, as usual, Riddler's eyes and hair are colored incorrectly.
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"EX LIBRIS."

TITLE: Battlestar Galactica: Cylon War (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Joshua Ortega & Eric Nylund (writers).

DISSECTION: The colony is called "Libran", not "Libris"... despite the latter name being incorrectly used in issue 3 of the now-defunct Battlestar Galactica: The Official Magazine.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, the word "Agreed" is missing the first letter in a sentence.
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"ANDROID: ADJ. POSSESSING HUMAN FEATURES. N. AN AUTOMATON IN THE FORM OF A HUMAN BEING."

TITLE: Booster Gold V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Dan Jurgens (writer).

DISSECTION: Goldstar calls Skeets an "android"... she's from the 25th century, that's like someone today calling a motorbike a truck... Michelle 's not an idiot, and even under distress, you don't call a bike a truck, no matter what.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Jurgens had another character refer to Skeets as an android last issue; so this gets a higher rating than it normally would. You know what? Fuck it, Jurgens has twenty-five years of experience in the comic book industry, particularly in superhero comics, which are undeniably related to scifi, and he still doesn't know the definition of the word "android"? This gets 8 Bazzars now!
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"AS THE YEARS GO V-I."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 115 and several previous issues spanning back to 2007.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Snakebyte correctly noticed that last column I labeled X-Factor as V4, when it's V3. Even though he gets a badge, I'm disappointed, I expected better of him... last time I labeled it correctly was in 2007...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars, just for the continuous error.
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"I AM MAGNETO, NOT SOME PUNK!"

TITLE: Dr. Doom And The Masters Of Evil (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Paul Tobin (writer).

DISSECTION: Okay, I've hated this particular plot device for AGES, yet I'd never actually seen it in a comic book, at least not since I started writing The Dissector (I've seen it in cartoons, too): Magneto is not helpless before plastic sentinels, or sentinels programmed specifically to combat him: HE JUST MAGNETIZES STUFF AROUND HIM, LIKE VEHICLES, BUILDINGS, BOULDER-SIZED CHUNKS OF GROUND AND SMASHES THEM AGAINST THE FUCKIGN ROBOTS!!! For God's sake, the man controls one of the fundamental forces of the UNIVERSE!!!

Random Bigot: Now you will fall, Magneto! You are facing my new plastic/ceramic/anti-magnetism whatever sentinels!!!!

Magneto: Oh, sentinels. How quaint. *throws eighteen wheeler truck filled with petrol and sentinel goes BOOM*

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Yeah, poor Tobin just got slammed by one of my pet peeves.
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"IN DISSECTED DAY..."

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 35.

CULPRIT: Peter J. Tomasi (writer).

DISSECTION: See if you can spot this one; if you haven't been following the storyline (not necessarily GL, but the whole of DC for the past couple of years), you might not be able to:


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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""

TITLE: Marvels: Eye Of The Camera (Marvel).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: Kurt Busiek & Roger Stern (writers).

DISSECTION: X-Factor and X-Terminators make their appearance on the scene; and in case you're not in the know, X-Factor was comprised of the five original X-Men; and in their guise of the X-Terminators, they pretended to be mutant hunters... however, the writers here get it the other way around.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"I KNOW, LET'S PAINT "CÁNADA" ON THE SIDE OF THE EMPIRE STATE!"

TITLE: Mighty Avengers (Marvel).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Rafa Sandoval (penciller).

DISSECTION: The Avengers fight a villain in Buenos Aires, and a building has the word "Uruguay" painted on the side. Now, as unlikely as this is, it's not impossible... but you don't spell my country's name as "Úruguay"...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Though thanks for trying, Rafa.
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"ENCYCLOPEDIA OF DOOM!"

TITLE: Thor V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 601.

CULPRIT: J. Michael Straczynski (writer).

DISSECTION: *sigh* Why must writers make characters mention modern stuff to be hip and show the public they are "down with things". AND WHY THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT DOCTOR DOOM DOES NOT KNOW WHAT A WINKLE IS, AND THAT NOT KNOWING, HE WOULD CHECK WIKI-FUCKING-PEDIA!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Out of character, much? Also, I refuse to believe that Doom keeps his subjects "malnourished"... Doom provides for his people!!!
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"MAN OUT OF TIME."

TITLE: X-Men: The Times And Life Of Lucas Bishop (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 03.

CULPRIT: Duane Swierczynski (writer).

DISSECTION: So, Bishop arrives in the X-Men's time, and it's the "early nineties"? Duane, ever heard of the "sliding timeline" Marvel uses? If Bishop arrived in the early nineties, then this doesn't fit with Marvel's timeline.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"BUENAS MUCHACHOS."

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: You know how you save the worst or the best for last? Well, guess which one is this... The usual assortment of Spanish language mistakes; both from Wagner and from Bowland; but the worst is confusing the gender of words. "Good day" is "buenos dias" o "buen dia", not "buenas dias", and "good night" is "buenas noches", not "buenos noches". GRRR!!! I really hate that Wagner keeps insisting on using Spanish, and failing at that, because the art and story are good!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Only a total of sixteen dissections in this issue, though... pretty good.
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So April has an average of 6.5 Bazzars in a total of seventy-four dissections. Moments Of The Weeks? Plenty of them, starting with some funk:


Right on! Then, douchiness:


That Tony! Lies on videotape, but no sex:


He's fast... Then, avert your eyes:


Don't say I didn't warn you! Now, if you're done scrubbing the back of your eyes with steel wool, a much awaited return:



Because sometime, a Legion needs more than one Superdude. Last, Bullseye makes some nice conversation with his boss:


Yeah, I've been wondering what's with the hair too... and it seems genetic, I mean, look at Harry... And last, more Doom, coming full circle:


Now, some might stop and point out that Doom is being selfless, in his own twisted way... but I will point out that up until now he did have regrets and guilt? Uh-oh...

That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

BIG FAVOR REQUEST: Eagle Awards Nominations

Dear friends and acquaintances. I need a favor; nominations are open for the Eagle Awards, prestigious comic book awards. They're write-in, and I'd like to ask if you can vote in two projects I'm part of:

1) Category "Favourite Comics-Related Book", Teenagers from the Future: Essays on the Legion of Super-Heroes

2) Category "Favourite Comics-Related Website", http://www.independentcomicssite.net/

It's imperative to use the same case sensitive text, so the easiest thing is to copy and paste the text above into the form. You don't have to vote for the rest of the categories, so don't worry. The form's located at: http://eagleawards.co.uk/nomination.aspx and there's time to vote until Friday, May 22nd (sorry, I learned about this just today).

Thank you very much!

The Dissector #115.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

03/04: "Oh, say, disgusting hippies, I'm afraid we'll be needing your disgusting hippie van, if you don't mind!" Ragdoll, Secret Six V3 #07.

03/11: "Ya gotta be kidding me--green, yellow, red, blue, violet--it's like Walt Disney threw up--what the hell's going on out there?" Guy Gardner, Green Lantern Corps V2 #34.

03/18: "A little (older)? You have... hips! And... y'know... things." Jamie Madrox, about the grown-up Layla Miller, X-Factor V4 #41.

03/25: "Oh, my, your organs are all in the wrong place. Let me fix that." Medical robot, Wildcats V5 #08.

Here's me trying to catch up; the month of March is here for you, in all it's two-month late glory... Last week's DT! was spotted by DrSilent, and it was the fact that Mongul was fighting "verses" Arkillo. Quick and dirty, Week of 03/04, Best Book was Batman: Cacophony #3 of 3, good ending to a nice mini... when Kevin Smith gets off his ass, he's good. Worst Book was Gotham Gazette One-shot... I don't even remember how bland it was.

Week of 03/11 had as Best Book R.E.B.E.L.S. #2, good Legionesque fun; while the Worst Book was Guardians Of The Galaxy V2 #11... I like this book, but it got too cosmic this issue around... Yes, I know, how can Guardians Of The Galaxy be "too cosmic"? Well, there's "cosmic" and there's "spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace". I enjoy the latter, not so much the former. Then, Best Book Of The Week for 03/18 was Amazing Spider-Man V1 #588; unsurprisingly, since it’s a consistently good book. Worst Book of the week is X-Men Noir #4; what started as a nice concept, with interesting visuals evolved into a boring comic.

To end this introduction, Best Book Of The Week for 03/25 was The Muppet Show #1... felt just like the TV show! Worst Book was Justice League Of America #31... Good God, some sort of star-vampire or whatnot? Please Dwayne!!!!

Again, many books have been dissected, but get no write up, namely: Action Comics, Amazing Spider-Man Extra, Bang Tango!, Batman: Battle For The Cowl, Batman Confidential, Booster Gold, Dark Avengers, Dark Reign: Elektra, Hellblazer, Moon Knight V5, Secret Six V3, Spider-Man & The Human Torch In... Bahia De Los Muertos!, Star Trek-TNG: The Last Generation, Titans V2, Trinity, Uncanny X-Men, War Of Kings, Wonder Woman , X-Men: Legacy. Now, dissections:
<-------------------------------->
"AT LEAST THEY COULD GO WITH GOBLIN GREEN, IF THEY'RE GONNA GET IT WRONG..."

TITLE: Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 588.

CULPRIT: Dean White (colorist).

DISSECTION: Norman Osborn's eyes are colored brown; when his eyes are blue... it's minor, but since he's been in so many comics lately, I've noticed most colorists get it wrong.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. It's minor, but you can check references when working on a character, how hard can it be? Snakebyte also found a word spelled incorrectly, so badge for him.
<-------------------------------->
"OH, SNAP!"

TITLE: Batman-Battle For The Cowl: Commissioner Gordon (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Royal McGraw (writer).

DISSECTION: Here's a two-in-one: Commissioner Gordon is being held captive by Mr. Freeze; so in order to escape, he enrages Mr. Freeze to "lower the temperature to make the iron in his shackles brittle enough to break it". First of all, Mr. Freeze is not an Iceman/Hulk hybrid... he doesn't control temperature, he uses freeze guns and stuff like that...

Also, if you lower the room's temperature enough for iron shackles to become brittle enough to break, you won't be in a condition to break it, since you'd have to lower the temperature to too much. Gordon has also been in that room for hours, with temperature low enough that he's suffering from hypothermia. Jimmy would probably break his fingers trying to snap the chain.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars each.
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"OLD FLAMES. OR OLD STONES."

TITLE: Dark Reign: Fantastic Four (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Jonathan Hickman (writer).

DISSECTION: Oh, how nice! A Fantastic Four family tree!!! Where Ben Grimm is attached to... Alicia Masters? Yes, you might want to read up in your FF comics, Mr. Hickman.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"BRAINFART."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 114.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Snakebyte points out that I incorrectly said that the brain has nothing to do with heart beat. He's right, I was a bit rushed in writing that. The heart rate is controlled by the medulla oblongata, the lower portion of the brainstem; specifically by the aptly named cardiac center. In my rush, I remembered it incorrectly as not part of the brain.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"DINAH PRINCE!"

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 31.

CULPRIT: Dwayne McDuffie (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm pretty sure Wonder Woman's name is Diana... but Zatanna seems to think it's Dinah.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Dr. Light's eyes (Hoshi Kimiyo's) should be black, not blue.
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"ME ALLOW TO BE YOUR TRANSLATOR."

TITLE: New Avengers: The Reunion (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Jim McCann (writer).

DISSECTION: Almost a whole page of perfect Spanish dialogue; even the accented letters are the right size, there's opening question and exclamation marks... but of course, it couldn't be all perfect. "Allow me to see your credentials" is not "Permita que mi vea sus credenciales", it's "Permitame ver..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"WHERE DID THEY GO?"

TITLE: R.E.B.E.L.S. (DC).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Tony Bedard (writer).

DISSECTION: Starhaven is said to be inhabited by Native Americans of the Anasazi tribe abducted by Athranians.... but not the whole tribe, Tony!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"LAUNDRY MIX-UP."

TITLE: Star Trek: Mission's End (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: John Hunt (colorist).

DISSECTION: Why is Spock and Uhura wearing a yellow uniform, and Sulu a blue one?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
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"OXYGEN IS GREEN."

TITLE: Superman/Batman (DC).

ISSUE: 56.

CULPRIT: Michael Green (writer).

DISSECTION: The JLA is fighting in space and Hawkgirl's breathing mask is broken... so Green Lantern provides a ring-generated breathing mask, and Firestorm provides oxygen... what? Green Lanterns can provide life support by themselves...

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
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"FACTOR THIS IN."

TITLE: X-Factor V4 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 41.

CULPRIT: Valentin De Landro & Marco Santucci (pencillers).

DISSECTION: If you know what you're looking for, this one is easy.


DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. And they did it in another part of the issue.
<-------------------------------->
"DAMN MUTIES!."

TITLE: X-Men-Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Christos Gage (writer).

DISSECTION: There's a few errors, both in writing and art; but the most glaring one is referring to Sinister as a mutant, when he's not, at least not in the X-Men sense of the word. Also... Xraven?!?!?! Puh-leese!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"TELEKINETICALLY ALTERING HER OWN METABOLISM...."

TITLE: X-Men: Sword Of The Braddocks (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer).

DISSECTION: Chris, why the hell would Psylocke's powers allow her to run indefinitely without dropping?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"ZORRA!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: As usual, a great number of Spanish language assassinations here; a total of 34, even after I did a secondary culling and discounted a few. In particular, you don't call a woman "estúpido", you call her "estúpida". Seriously, Wagner, the book is very good; but please, stop using Spanish, not only is it annoying, you're not even doing it right!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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Nice and round average of 7.0 Bazzars in seventy seven dissections. Three Moments Of The Week(s), first up, one that's actually older, Geoff Johns writing for Marvel, in the 2002 miniseries "Morlocks". A military officer watches footage of sentinels killing mutants and... enjoys it:


Ewwwwww..... Then, Ultimate Hank Pym: badass!


Still, ew... 616 Hank Pym? Everybody's bitch:


Pwnd!

That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #114.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

02/11: "Yeah, dawg, I saw Galactus and Galactus is a PIMP. Who else be dressin' in a purple suit with a big tricked out hat like that? (...) Probably lookin' to put that fine Invisible Woman on the street." Street thugs, Galactus: The Real Story.

02/18: "Man, say what you want about me... Good looks, gravitas, iconic costume design. But man, does my timing el suck-o. They asked me to be an Avenger when I was in high school... I said now. They asked me when I was in college... and I said no. Young adult, nope. NOW I say yes. Now, when there's no mansion, no butler, no tower, no Quinjet, no big table with an "A" on it... I get to hide in fake Captain America's basement and wait for things like this. I truly am a genius." Spider-Man, New Avengers #50.

02/25: "You might feel a little prick--... wait, that came out wrong!" Ant-Man, Thunderbolts #129.

You'll notice there's three quotes of the week... yes, I know, because this is a special, rest-of-February column; and I'll try to write one for March, and one for April, to catch up. That said, I'll go quickly through The Dissector's Picks Of The Week(s). For the week of 02/11, the Best Book was R.E.B.E.L.S. #1; as a LSH-related book it caught my attention, and it's also very good... as I said when I found about it, Andy Clark's art is fantastic; unfortunately, issues 4 and 5 have been solicited with art by other people... I hope Clark returns. Worst Book of that week was Batman #686, Neil Gaiman tries to be Silver Agey and succeeds... in boring me.

Best Book for the week of 02/18 was Amazing Spider-Man #587; my love for BND ASM is no secret. Worst Book for that week was New Exiles #18; last issue of an unbearable pain... please Marvel, give Chris Claremont a pension package that doesn't allow him to write... On the other hand, Best Book for the week of 02/25 was Blue Beetle #36; another last issue, of a book I'll miss greatly. Luckily we'll still see Jaime in Teen Titans and in other places (like Brave And The Bold, occasionally). Worst Book Of The Week was Trinity #39... it's not particularly bad, but there wasn't anything worse this week.. yet Trinity is consistently bland and boring.

Nobody cracked the DT! from the last regular column... come on, it was very easy! If you look closely, Wolverine's not wearing gloves, yet he has the metal "exits" for his claws on the back of his bare hand. That's it, then, dissections! Oh, wait... you know how I usually give an entry to only the most glaring errors in a book, and reserve repeat errors in the same issue, or minor stuff as just a mention; and save them for the final counts of averages and the like? Well, in these emergency catch-up columns I'll flat out not give entries to entire issues. Suffice it to say that there were a lot of boring mistakes in the following books: Avengers Invaders, Batman, Blue Beetle, Doctor Doom And The Masters Of Evil, Justice Society Of America, Galactus: The Real Story, Mighty Avengers, Ms. Marvel, New Avengers, Sgt. Rock: The Lost Battalion, Supergirl, Superman/Batman, Tangent: Superman's Reign, The Phantom: Ghost Who Walks, Trinity, Vigilante, X-Men: Legacy, X-Men Origins: Sabretooth.

There, now you get dissections:
<-------------------------------->
"DECESIONS."

TITLE: Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 587.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: A cop confesses that they "deceded" to frame Spider-Man so they could "do jobs" (instead of "our jobs). Thanks to Snakebyte for noticing this, badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars each.
<-------------------------------->
"SENSE YOUR FIRE!."

TITLE: Battlestar Galactica: Cylon War (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: Joshua Ortega & Eric Nylund (writers).

DISSECTION: Admiral Ben Tanner orders the "sensation" of hostilities...

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HE MANIPULATED OUR FEELINGS ABOUT HIM."

TITLE: Dark Reign Files (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator) or any of a number of writers not specifically credited for each profile.

DISSECTION: Among other mistakes, Daken's profile is missing his pheromone powers, which are what make him stand out from the original Wolverine.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IN DISSECTED NIGHT!"

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 33.

CULPRIT: Patrick Gleason (penciller).

DISSECTION: Easy one.


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DUDE, YOU'RE RAD!"

TITLE: Hulk V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Jeph Loeb (writer).

DISSECTION: The Silver Surfer's name is given as Norrin "Rad", when it's Radd.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OH THAT? JUST A HOBBY."

TITLE: Outsiders V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Peter J. Tomasi (writer).

DISSECTION: Geo-Force says he has no responsibilities to leave behind to join the Outsiders... WHAT ABOUT RULING AN ENTIRE COUNTRY!?!!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BOUNDARIES SCHMOUNDARIES."

TITLE: Star Trek: Countdown (IDW).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, Mike Johnson & Tim Jones (writers).

DISSECTION: Well, there's several mistakes in this comics (ambassadors wearing Starfleet uniforms, science officers seating in navigation consoles, etc, etc). But the one that stands out the most is Data saying a Federation starship has authority to confiscate cargo inside Romulan territory.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DROID OF HOLDING."

TITLE: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Henry Gilroy (writer).

DISSECTION: An R2 unit has a 20cm x 8cm internal storage area (remember the one where R2 hid Luke's saber?), yet R2-D2 has space for three lightsaber, complete with a rack and launcher.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"JEWELRY."

TITLE: Titans V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Howard Porter (penciller).

DISSECTION: Whatever necklace Vixen is wearing, that's not the Tantu Totem.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"NO A LA BLOQUEO!"

TITLE: Umbrella Academy: Dallas (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Gerard Way (writer) and/or Gabriel Bá (artist).

DISSECTION: Nice Cuban propaganda poster... if only you'd asked someone who actually spoke Spanish before making it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CLOSE YOUR EYES."

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 506.

CULPRIT: Terry Dodson (penciller).

DISSECTION: Cyclops needs to sleep with ruby quarts goggles on to avoid blasting the hell out of everything, including his woman, when he opens the eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Matt Fraction, what the hell is "Refugiados del mutante" supposed to mean?
<-------------------------------->
"FICTITIONAL GEOGRAPHY."

TITLE: Vixen: Return Of The Lion (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: G. Willow Wilson (writer).

DISSECTION: For the fifth time, Zambesi is the village, M'Changa is the country.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WHETMAN."

TITLE: Whatmen (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Scott Lobdell (writer).

DISSECTION: Funny parody, but it should be "funeral" not "funereal".

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FEMDROID?"

TITLE: Wildcats V5 (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: Christos Gage (writer).

DISSECTION: Maxine to Spartan as an android, as if she's not one. Well, honey, you're human-shaped, that makes you an android.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S WOLVERINE, NOT CABLE."

TITLE: Wolverine: Manifest Destiny (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Stephen Segovia & Paco Diaz Luque (pencillers).

DISSECTION: What the hell is that one inch thick steel cable inside Wolverine's body?!??!


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I PREFER JUTIPER."

TITLE: Wonder Woman V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 29.

CULPRIT: Gail Simone (writer).

DISSECTION: "Zues"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I CHANGED MY MIND, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A PULSE ANYMORE."

TITLE: X-Force V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: Craig Kyle & Christopher Yost (writers).

DISSECTION: Beautiful Dreamer (a mutant) is infected with the Legacy Virus, so her powers (manipulating memories) flare out of control; so she causes civilian deaths by "wiping their brains, making them forget to tell their hearts to beat". Well, your brain has absolutely nothing to do with your heart beat.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. I'm sure there's lots of other mutants they could have used. Few other mistakes, too, art-wise. Particularly, if you're going to do painted art, keep mind of what colors you're using on character's hair and such.
<-------------------------------->
"FORGET ABOUT THEM, THEY GOT MASSACRED, SO THEY DON'T COUNT. IT'S LIKE THE VIKING COLONY IN NORTH AMERICA."

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: First mutant nation, and it's not Genosha? Nope, not even in an alternate future... which is evidently based upon the present timeline.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"EAT MY SHORTS, SARGENT GARCÍA!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: You can spell words incorrectly, forget accents, fuck up font sizes, etc. But having an angry villain scream "AY, CARAMBA!"??!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. You know it's not the only mistake in this issue... it's just one of twenty nine.
<-------------------------------->
Well, I'm certainly taking my time writing this... the average was 6.4 Bazzars in 84 dissections... quite normal, all taken into consideration. And now, the Moments Of The Week(s)! First up, From 021/11, Harry falls off the wagon...


And on the glider! Next, Wolvie's happy memories:


Predictable, right? Week of 02/18, Nightwing causes cameltoe in mature ladies:


Well, his tights are tight... Then... she knows stuff, and she's back!


She's all grown up, lookither! Last, from 08/25, a shocking cartoon moment:


Holy shit, Batman and Blue Beetle just KILLED A DUDE!!! WTF??!?!?!?!? I cry bloody... digital murder, they're teaching our kids it's okay to kill artificial intelligences!!!

That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!