The Dissector #115.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

03/04: "Oh, say, disgusting hippies, I'm afraid we'll be needing your disgusting hippie van, if you don't mind!" Ragdoll, Secret Six V3 #07.

03/11: "Ya gotta be kidding me--green, yellow, red, blue, violet--it's like Walt Disney threw up--what the hell's going on out there?" Guy Gardner, Green Lantern Corps V2 #34.

03/18: "A little (older)? You have... hips! And... y'know... things." Jamie Madrox, about the grown-up Layla Miller, X-Factor V4 #41.

03/25: "Oh, my, your organs are all in the wrong place. Let me fix that." Medical robot, Wildcats V5 #08.

Here's me trying to catch up; the month of March is here for you, in all it's two-month late glory... Last week's DT! was spotted by DrSilent, and it was the fact that Mongul was fighting "verses" Arkillo. Quick and dirty, Week of 03/04, Best Book was Batman: Cacophony #3 of 3, good ending to a nice mini... when Kevin Smith gets off his ass, he's good. Worst Book was Gotham Gazette One-shot... I don't even remember how bland it was.

Week of 03/11 had as Best Book R.E.B.E.L.S. #2, good Legionesque fun; while the Worst Book was Guardians Of The Galaxy V2 #11... I like this book, but it got too cosmic this issue around... Yes, I know, how can Guardians Of The Galaxy be "too cosmic"? Well, there's "cosmic" and there's "spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace". I enjoy the latter, not so much the former. Then, Best Book Of The Week for 03/18 was Amazing Spider-Man V1 #588; unsurprisingly, since it’s a consistently good book. Worst Book of the week is X-Men Noir #4; what started as a nice concept, with interesting visuals evolved into a boring comic.

To end this introduction, Best Book Of The Week for 03/25 was The Muppet Show #1... felt just like the TV show! Worst Book was Justice League Of America #31... Good God, some sort of star-vampire or whatnot? Please Dwayne!!!!

Again, many books have been dissected, but get no write up, namely: Action Comics, Amazing Spider-Man Extra, Bang Tango!, Batman: Battle For The Cowl, Batman Confidential, Booster Gold, Dark Avengers, Dark Reign: Elektra, Hellblazer, Moon Knight V5, Secret Six V3, Spider-Man & The Human Torch In... Bahia De Los Muertos!, Star Trek-TNG: The Last Generation, Titans V2, Trinity, Uncanny X-Men, War Of Kings, Wonder Woman , X-Men: Legacy. Now, dissections:
<-------------------------------->
"AT LEAST THEY COULD GO WITH GOBLIN GREEN, IF THEY'RE GONNA GET IT WRONG..."

TITLE: Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 588.

CULPRIT: Dean White (colorist).

DISSECTION: Norman Osborn's eyes are colored brown; when his eyes are blue... it's minor, but since he's been in so many comics lately, I've noticed most colorists get it wrong.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. It's minor, but you can check references when working on a character, how hard can it be? Snakebyte also found a word spelled incorrectly, so badge for him.
<-------------------------------->
"OH, SNAP!"

TITLE: Batman-Battle For The Cowl: Commissioner Gordon (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Royal McGraw (writer).

DISSECTION: Here's a two-in-one: Commissioner Gordon is being held captive by Mr. Freeze; so in order to escape, he enrages Mr. Freeze to "lower the temperature to make the iron in his shackles brittle enough to break it". First of all, Mr. Freeze is not an Iceman/Hulk hybrid... he doesn't control temperature, he uses freeze guns and stuff like that...

Also, if you lower the room's temperature enough for iron shackles to become brittle enough to break, you won't be in a condition to break it, since you'd have to lower the temperature to too much. Gordon has also been in that room for hours, with temperature low enough that he's suffering from hypothermia. Jimmy would probably break his fingers trying to snap the chain.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars each.
<-------------------------------->
"OLD FLAMES. OR OLD STONES."

TITLE: Dark Reign: Fantastic Four (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: Jonathan Hickman (writer).

DISSECTION: Oh, how nice! A Fantastic Four family tree!!! Where Ben Grimm is attached to... Alicia Masters? Yes, you might want to read up in your FF comics, Mr. Hickman.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BRAINFART."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 114.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: Snakebyte points out that I incorrectly said that the brain has nothing to do with heart beat. He's right, I was a bit rushed in writing that. The heart rate is controlled by the medulla oblongata, the lower portion of the brainstem; specifically by the aptly named cardiac center. In my rush, I remembered it incorrectly as not part of the brain.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DINAH PRINCE!"

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 31.

CULPRIT: Dwayne McDuffie (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm pretty sure Wonder Woman's name is Diana... but Zatanna seems to think it's Dinah.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Dr. Light's eyes (Hoshi Kimiyo's) should be black, not blue.
<-------------------------------->
"ME ALLOW TO BE YOUR TRANSLATOR."

TITLE: New Avengers: The Reunion (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01 of 04.

CULPRIT: Jim McCann (writer).

DISSECTION: Almost a whole page of perfect Spanish dialogue; even the accented letters are the right size, there's opening question and exclamation marks... but of course, it couldn't be all perfect. "Allow me to see your credentials" is not "Permita que mi vea sus credenciales", it's "Permitame ver..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WHERE DID THEY GO?"

TITLE: R.E.B.E.L.S. (DC).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: Tony Bedard (writer).

DISSECTION: Starhaven is said to be inhabited by Native Americans of the Anasazi tribe abducted by Athranians.... but not the whole tribe, Tony!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"LAUNDRY MIX-UP."

TITLE: Star Trek: Mission's End (IDW).

ISSUE: 01 of 05.

CULPRIT: John Hunt (colorist).

DISSECTION: Why is Spock and Uhura wearing a yellow uniform, and Sulu a blue one?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OXYGEN IS GREEN."

TITLE: Superman/Batman (DC).

ISSUE: 56.

CULPRIT: Michael Green (writer).

DISSECTION: The JLA is fighting in space and Hawkgirl's breathing mask is broken... so Green Lantern provides a ring-generated breathing mask, and Firestorm provides oxygen... what? Green Lanterns can provide life support by themselves...

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FACTOR THIS IN."

TITLE: X-Factor V4 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 41.

CULPRIT: Valentin De Landro & Marco Santucci (pencillers).

DISSECTION: If you know what you're looking for, this one is easy.


DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. And they did it in another part of the issue.
<-------------------------------->
"DAMN MUTIES!."

TITLE: X-Men-Spider-Man (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Christos Gage (writer).

DISSECTION: There's a few errors, both in writing and art; but the most glaring one is referring to Sinister as a mutant, when he's not, at least not in the X-Men sense of the word. Also... Xraven?!?!?! Puh-leese!

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TELEKINETICALLY ALTERING HER OWN METABOLISM...."

TITLE: X-Men: Sword Of The Braddocks (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Chris Claremont (writer).

DISSECTION: Chris, why the hell would Psylocke's powers allow her to run indefinitely without dropping?

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"ZORRA!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: As usual, a great number of Spanish language assassinations here; a total of 34, even after I did a secondary culling and discounted a few. In particular, you don't call a woman "estúpido", you call her "estúpida". Seriously, Wagner, the book is very good; but please, stop using Spanish, not only is it annoying, you're not even doing it right!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Nice and round average of 7.0 Bazzars in seventy seven dissections. Three Moments Of The Week(s), first up, one that's actually older, Geoff Johns writing for Marvel, in the 2002 miniseries "Morlocks". A military officer watches footage of sentinels killing mutants and... enjoys it:


Ewwwwww..... Then, Ultimate Hank Pym: badass!


Still, ew... 616 Hank Pym? Everybody's bitch:


Pwnd!

That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #114.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

02/11: "Yeah, dawg, I saw Galactus and Galactus is a PIMP. Who else be dressin' in a purple suit with a big tricked out hat like that? (...) Probably lookin' to put that fine Invisible Woman on the street." Street thugs, Galactus: The Real Story.

02/18: "Man, say what you want about me... Good looks, gravitas, iconic costume design. But man, does my timing el suck-o. They asked me to be an Avenger when I was in high school... I said now. They asked me when I was in college... and I said no. Young adult, nope. NOW I say yes. Now, when there's no mansion, no butler, no tower, no Quinjet, no big table with an "A" on it... I get to hide in fake Captain America's basement and wait for things like this. I truly am a genius." Spider-Man, New Avengers #50.

02/25: "You might feel a little prick--... wait, that came out wrong!" Ant-Man, Thunderbolts #129.

You'll notice there's three quotes of the week... yes, I know, because this is a special, rest-of-February column; and I'll try to write one for March, and one for April, to catch up. That said, I'll go quickly through The Dissector's Picks Of The Week(s). For the week of 02/11, the Best Book was R.E.B.E.L.S. #1; as a LSH-related book it caught my attention, and it's also very good... as I said when I found about it, Andy Clark's art is fantastic; unfortunately, issues 4 and 5 have been solicited with art by other people... I hope Clark returns. Worst Book of that week was Batman #686, Neil Gaiman tries to be Silver Agey and succeeds... in boring me.

Best Book for the week of 02/18 was Amazing Spider-Man #587; my love for BND ASM is no secret. Worst Book for that week was New Exiles #18; last issue of an unbearable pain... please Marvel, give Chris Claremont a pension package that doesn't allow him to write... On the other hand, Best Book for the week of 02/25 was Blue Beetle #36; another last issue, of a book I'll miss greatly. Luckily we'll still see Jaime in Teen Titans and in other places (like Brave And The Bold, occasionally). Worst Book Of The Week was Trinity #39... it's not particularly bad, but there wasn't anything worse this week.. yet Trinity is consistently bland and boring.

Nobody cracked the DT! from the last regular column... come on, it was very easy! If you look closely, Wolverine's not wearing gloves, yet he has the metal "exits" for his claws on the back of his bare hand. That's it, then, dissections! Oh, wait... you know how I usually give an entry to only the most glaring errors in a book, and reserve repeat errors in the same issue, or minor stuff as just a mention; and save them for the final counts of averages and the like? Well, in these emergency catch-up columns I'll flat out not give entries to entire issues. Suffice it to say that there were a lot of boring mistakes in the following books: Avengers Invaders, Batman, Blue Beetle, Doctor Doom And The Masters Of Evil, Justice Society Of America, Galactus: The Real Story, Mighty Avengers, Ms. Marvel, New Avengers, Sgt. Rock: The Lost Battalion, Supergirl, Superman/Batman, Tangent: Superman's Reign, The Phantom: Ghost Who Walks, Trinity, Vigilante, X-Men: Legacy, X-Men Origins: Sabretooth.

There, now you get dissections:
<-------------------------------->
"DECESIONS."

TITLE: Amazing Spider-Man V1 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 587.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: A cop confesses that they "deceded" to frame Spider-Man so they could "do jobs" (instead of "our jobs). Thanks to Snakebyte for noticing this, badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars each.
<-------------------------------->
"SENSE YOUR FIRE!."

TITLE: Battlestar Galactica: Cylon War (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 03 of 04.

CULPRIT: Joshua Ortega & Eric Nylund (writers).

DISSECTION: Admiral Ben Tanner orders the "sensation" of hostilities...

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"HE MANIPULATED OUR FEELINGS ABOUT HIM."

TITLE: Dark Reign Files (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Michael Hoskin (head writer/coordinator) or any of a number of writers not specifically credited for each profile.

DISSECTION: Among other mistakes, Daken's profile is missing his pheromone powers, which are what make him stand out from the original Wolverine.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IN DISSECTED NIGHT!"

TITLE: Green Lantern Corps V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 33.

CULPRIT: Patrick Gleason (penciller).

DISSECTION: Easy one.


DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DUDE, YOU'RE RAD!"

TITLE: Hulk V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Jeph Loeb (writer).

DISSECTION: The Silver Surfer's name is given as Norrin "Rad", when it's Radd.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OH THAT? JUST A HOBBY."

TITLE: Outsiders V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 15.

CULPRIT: Peter J. Tomasi (writer).

DISSECTION: Geo-Force says he has no responsibilities to leave behind to join the Outsiders... WHAT ABOUT RULING AN ENTIRE COUNTRY!?!!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"BOUNDARIES SCHMOUNDARIES."

TITLE: Star Trek: Countdown (IDW).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, Mike Johnson & Tim Jones (writers).

DISSECTION: Well, there's several mistakes in this comics (ambassadors wearing Starfleet uniforms, science officers seating in navigation consoles, etc, etc). But the one that stands out the most is Data saying a Federation starship has authority to confiscate cargo inside Romulan territory.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DROID OF HOLDING."

TITLE: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Henry Gilroy (writer).

DISSECTION: An R2 unit has a 20cm x 8cm internal storage area (remember the one where R2 hid Luke's saber?), yet R2-D2 has space for three lightsaber, complete with a rack and launcher.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"JEWELRY."

TITLE: Titans V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Howard Porter (penciller).

DISSECTION: Whatever necklace Vixen is wearing, that's not the Tantu Totem.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"NO A LA BLOQUEO!"

TITLE: Umbrella Academy: Dallas (Dark Horse).

ISSUE: 04 of 06.

CULPRIT: Gerard Way (writer) and/or Gabriel Bá (artist).

DISSECTION: Nice Cuban propaganda poster... if only you'd asked someone who actually spoke Spanish before making it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CLOSE YOUR EYES."

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 506.

CULPRIT: Terry Dodson (penciller).

DISSECTION: Cyclops needs to sleep with ruby quarts goggles on to avoid blasting the hell out of everything, including his woman, when he opens the eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Also, Matt Fraction, what the hell is "Refugiados del mutante" supposed to mean?
<-------------------------------->
"FICTITIONAL GEOGRAPHY."

TITLE: Vixen: Return Of The Lion (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 06.

CULPRIT: G. Willow Wilson (writer).

DISSECTION: For the fifth time, Zambesi is the village, M'Changa is the country.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"WHETMAN."

TITLE: Whatmen (IDW).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Scott Lobdell (writer).

DISSECTION: Funny parody, but it should be "funeral" not "funereal".

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"FEMDROID?"

TITLE: Wildcats V5 (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: Christos Gage (writer).

DISSECTION: Maxine to Spartan as an android, as if she's not one. Well, honey, you're human-shaped, that makes you an android.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S WOLVERINE, NOT CABLE."

TITLE: Wolverine: Manifest Destiny (Marvel).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Stephen Segovia & Paco Diaz Luque (pencillers).

DISSECTION: What the hell is that one inch thick steel cable inside Wolverine's body?!??!


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I PREFER JUTIPER."

TITLE: Wonder Woman V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 29.

CULPRIT: Gail Simone (writer).

DISSECTION: "Zues"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I CHANGED MY MIND, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A PULSE ANYMORE."

TITLE: X-Force V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 12.

CULPRIT: Craig Kyle & Christopher Yost (writers).

DISSECTION: Beautiful Dreamer (a mutant) is infected with the Legacy Virus, so her powers (manipulating memories) flare out of control; so she causes civilian deaths by "wiping their brains, making them forget to tell their hearts to beat". Well, your brain has absolutely nothing to do with your heart beat.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. I'm sure there's lots of other mutants they could have used. Few other mistakes, too, art-wise. Particularly, if you're going to do painted art, keep mind of what colors you're using on character's hair and such.
<-------------------------------->
"FORGET ABOUT THEM, THEY GOT MASSACRED, SO THEY DON'T COUNT. IT'S LIKE THE VIKING COLONY IN NORTH AMERICA."

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 11.

CULPRIT: Marc Guggenheim (writer).

DISSECTION: First mutant nation, and it's not Genosha? Nope, not even in an alternate future... which is evidently based upon the present timeline.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"EAT MY SHORTS, SARGENT GARCÍA!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: You can spell words incorrectly, forget accents, fuck up font sizes, etc. But having an angry villain scream "AY, CARAMBA!"??!?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. You know it's not the only mistake in this issue... it's just one of twenty nine.
<-------------------------------->
Well, I'm certainly taking my time writing this... the average was 6.4 Bazzars in 84 dissections... quite normal, all taken into consideration. And now, the Moments Of The Week(s)! First up, From 021/11, Harry falls off the wagon...


And on the glider! Next, Wolvie's happy memories:


Predictable, right? Week of 02/18, Nightwing causes cameltoe in mature ladies:


Well, his tights are tight... Then... she knows stuff, and she's back!


She's all grown up, lookither! Last, from 08/25, a shocking cartoon moment:


Holy shit, Batman and Blue Beetle just KILLED A DUDE!!! WTF??!?!?!?!? I cry bloody... digital murder, they're teaching our kids it's okay to kill artificial intelligences!!!

That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector Special #06: Autopsy Awards 2008 Winners.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)


Thank you all for voting; here are your choices (and mine, hey, I voted first!) for the Autopsy Awards 2008:
<-------------------------------->
Best Writing Dissection:

Without a doubt, but without a landslide vote, the winner is:

W03-"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: I'm so at a loss for words on this dissection, that I should just make up a word in English for it...

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
<-------------------------------->
Best Art Dissection:

It's nice to check Wikipedia every now and then:

A02-"CIDADE MARAVILHOSA... NOT!"" (The Dissector #84, 08/13/08)

COMMENT: Good god, it's not like you can't get photos from the web...

TITLE: Casey Blue: Beyond Tomorrow (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Carlo Barbieri (penciller).

DISSECTION: Establishing shot of Sao Paulo... THE CRISTO REDENTOR STATUE WHICH IS ACTUALLY IN RIO DE JANEIRO!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Coloring Dissection:

Only one vote for other nominee; but you just don't mess up when coloring Superman's costume and get away with it:
<-------------------------------->
C01a-"OH NO HE DIDN'T!" (The Dissector #67, 03/27/08)

COMMENT: This one and the next are the same mistake, made two issues in a row, and it's outrageous. Just vote for C01 if you want this one to win.

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Arcas incorrectly colors SUPERMAN'S CAPE SHIELD!!! He colors it as if it was the chest shield, blue and yellow

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Un-for-gi-va-ble.
<-------------------------------->
C01b-"WELL, IT'S JUST SUPERMAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOT A CLASSIC, RECOGNIZABLE COSTUME." (The Dissector #72, 06/25/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Good God, Arcas! How can you work as a comic book colorist and not know that Superman's CAPE emblem is all yellow, not red and yellow like his chest one?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Lettering Dissection:

Joe denied any guilt on this one, but it's just very funny, and our first landslide:
L02-"WHERE'S WULVERINE AND NIGHTCRUWLER?" (The Dissector #61, 03/21/08)

COMMENT: This one is by far the funniest lettering error I've seen; coupled with the frilly font for such a macho character...

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 495.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Pfft.... look below.


Hahahaha!!!! COLUSSUS!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars
<-------------------------------->
Best Other Dissection:

This was so big, it had to get two awards:
<-------------------------------->
O03"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: This one was so big, that it had to be nominated for both categories.

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

What was the worse (or funniest, you decide) thing about this book? That when I got to the end of it, writer Nitz thanked Sergio Aragonés for "keeping it "verdadero""... Was Aragonés (who was born in Spain and grew up in Mexico) drunk? Pulling a prank on Nitz? Getting revenge for Nitz boinking his granddaughter? Because no one who actually knows Spanish would ever translate the issue as this one was... Complete and utter garbage; and the story isn't even up to Blue Beetle standards.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
<-------------------------------->
Best Quote:

You gotta love gamemasters and their flavor text:
<-------------------------------->
Q05-"You are ejected from the sliding chute like phlegm from and old sailor's nostril." B.A. Felton, Knights Of The Dinner Table #135. (The Dissector #77, 07/24/08)
<-------------------------------->
Best Moment:

Simply brilliant:
M04-From The Dissector #75 (07/22/08), Norman Osborn again, in a brilliant scene that shows (in an admittedly cliched way, but brilliant nevertheless) how utterly insane he is:


<-------------------------------->
Now, for the special awards, those based solely on numbers, or on "special" merit.
<-------------------------------->
Company With Most Dissections: DC, with 684; followed by Marvel with 327. Yeah, Countdown To Final Crisis and its policy of "at least one fuck up per issue" helped a lot.
<-------------------------------->
Book With Most Dissections: Zorro (Dynamite), with 89 dissections, against Blue Beetle's 62 (with one issue making up the bulk of it.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Writer: Matt Wagner (Zorro), with 63 dissections, followed closely by MaGnUs (The Dissector) with 58.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Artist: Tom Derenick (Countdown To Final Crisis), with 13, followed by Freddie E. Williams II (The Flash), and others, with 8.
<-------------------------------->
Most Dissected Colorist: John Kalisz (Rann/Thanagar Holy War, others), with 14, followed by Tom Chu (Countdown To Final Crisis), with 11.
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Most Dissected Letterer: Simon Bowland (Zorro), with 55, followed by Cory Petit (Punisher, others) with 19.
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Most Dissected "Other": Sergio Aragonés (for Blue Beetle, as translation terrorist), with 58 dissections; followed b Jordan D. White (assistant editor at Marvel), with 20.
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Single Issue With Most Dissections: Blue Beetle V8 #26 (DC Comics), for the "all-Spanish" issue, it also takes home the "Golden Bonesaw Award" for catastrophic underachievement.
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Cyclone Fashion Award To The Most Mutable Costume: Una's costume (Countdown To Final Crisis).
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Worst Quote Of The Year: "Hurry the fuck up down there! Do I need to remind yeh this's an invasion? Like with pointy swords and people dying and shit?" Unnamed Saxxon commander in the 1100s, Northlanders #7.
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That's it for this year; I'll be on the outlook for more nominees, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #113.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Several boys reached puberty and exploded in their pants upon seeing her." Narrator, about Cin (aka Cinderella). Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #54.

Amazing what Balent passes for story in his pagan smut magazine... Here we are, with the dissections for the week of 02/04, starting the month of February... and I'm still two months behind!!! The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follows: Best Book Of The Week was Final Crisis: Legion Of Three Worlds #3, just a fangasm for any Legion follower; but also good art and story. Worst Book Of The Week was Golem #1; amateurish, boring, bland.... not much more to say. Wait... it was a one-shot? Okay, now it makes even less sense... The DT! was cracked by Sully, and it was that Nemesis is called "Tressar" instead of "Tresser". Now, the dissections!
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"ASTONISHING DISSECTIONS."

TITLE: Astonishing Tales V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Kenneth Rocafort (penciller).

DISSECTION: This one's pretty easy.


DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"PERRO MALO!"

TITLE: Bad Dog (Image).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Joe Kelly (writer).

DISSECTION: A storekeeper counts money in a language that resembles Spanish or Portuguese, but is fake.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, one of the characters mentions "Viagara".
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"NOT SUITABLE FOR CHUILDREN."

TITLE: Bang! Tango (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Adrian Sibar (penciller).

DISSECTION: A magazine cover advertises "Audult Content".

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"NEXT TIME, THIS TIME."

TITLE: Black Lightning Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06

CULPRIT: Rachel Gluckstern and/or Joan Hilty (editors).

DISSECTION: The "next in" blurb for issue #4 says Black Lightning will be approached by Talia al Ghul... when he was already approached by her... in this very issue...

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
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"WIT OR WITOUT YOU."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 112.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I wrote "wit" instead of "with". Thanks to Sully for spotting it, another badge for him.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
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"FREEZING CONTINUITY."

TITLE: Final Crisis: Legion Of Three Worlds (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer).

DISSECTION: Polar Boy is questioned because he was a Substitute... but he was Legion leader... even with all you see in Geoff John's new continuity, that seems to have remained.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars, this could be just me. Also, two of the Brainiac's eyes are colored purple. Again.
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"GOLLUM."

TITLE: Golem (Studio 407).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Scott Barkman & Jeff Lee (writers).

DISSECTION: The word "treacherous" is spelled "trecherous".

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars. Also, it's "piñata" not "pinata".
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"MY GOD HAS A H.A.M.M.E.R.!"

TITLE: Invincible Iron Man V2 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: H.A.M.M.E.R. is shown enforcing law in different parts of the world, when it's a USA agency, not a UN agency as S.H.I.E.L.D. was.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Norman Osborn's hair and eyes are colored incorrectly.
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"QUE OPEÑA ME DA."

TITLE: Punisher V8 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 02.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Artist Jerome Opeña is credited as "Opena".

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
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"SO SECRET, THEY DON'T KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES."

TITLE: Secret Warriors (Marvel).

ISSUE: 01

CULPRIT: Brian Michael Bendis & Jonathan Hickman (writers).

DISSECTION: Tony Stark is shown in a chart to be affiliated with Stark Industries, when he's no longer with them, he left everything to Pepper Pots (pending disassembling by H.A.M.M.E.R.).

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"NEXT, IN THE BOYS..."

TITLE: The Boys (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 27.

CULPRIT: Non-credited editor.

DISSECTION: The "next issue" blurb is wrong, showing the contents of this issue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
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"UNCANNY RESEARCH JOB,"

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: Annual #2 (2009).

CULPRIT: Matt Fraction (writer).

DISSECTION: This one belongs to the week of 01/21, I knew there was something fishy with the continuity of this issue, but I couldn't quite place my finger on the problem, so I let it go. Fortunately for us, Snakebyte did a great job of looking into the matter and putting this together:

"Let me go through this step by step.

Namor's presence indicates that this took place after Fantastic Four #4, as prior to that he was an amnesiac bum. (May 1962)

Tony Stark's general demeanor and drunken-ness indicates that he was most likely not Iron Man, therefore indicating that this takes place prior to Tales Of Suspense #39 (March 1963), or failing that during his alcoholism, at any time prior to Iron Man #184 (July 1984).

Shaw's quest for a White King indicates rather obviously that he does not HAVE a White King. This is also rather obviously the initial incarnation of the Hellfire Club, Shaw and Emma's presence being the most obvious tells. In the original incarnation of the Hellfire Club, while Shaw was in power, there have only been two white kings. One was a joint position held by Magneto and Storm. I don't have the exact issue number for this one, but it was in New Mutants, around the 50s. Roughly 1987. The previous White King was Donald Pierce, who was later expelled from the club. The expulsion occurred in the New Mutants graphic novel that took place prior to the series. 1982. As Pierce is present in this issue, quite unexpelled, this obviously takes place prior to anything New Mutants related.

So we have a timeline. Probably 1962-1963, definitely 1962-1982. The reference to Shaw's recent coup of taking over the club, and the lack of detailed knowledge on all parties concerned regarding Sentinels, suggest the earlier timeline. Not proving it, but suggesting it; as do the absences of Jason Wyngarde and Harry Leland.

Oh goddamn I just realized something else. Norman Osborn's there. Norman Osborn was presumed dead from June 1973 to 1995-1996, just after the death of Gwen Stacy. That cuts nine years off.

1962-1973.

I suppose I'll have to stop being a smug git and get to the point. =(

The crux of the issue is Selene.

The character of Selene was introduced in New Mutants #9 (November 1983), and did not leave it until New Mutants #11. Prior to that, her spirit had been trapped in Nova Roma for 'centuries', and was not able to leave after an indeterminate amount of time afterward. She joined the Hellfire Club in New Mutants #23 (January 1985).

Thus, it is impossible for Selene to be present because, in reverse chronological order:
A: Tony Stark is drunk
B: Donald Pierce is neither White King nor expelled from the Hellfire Club
C: Norman Osborn is publicly alive.

I rest my case, bitches."

Bottom line is, Selene can't be there if Pierce is still a member of the Hellfire Club's Inner Circle (and vice versa). I argued that Stark and Osborn's problems could have happened in different storyline times than the X-stuff; but Snakebyte replied by correlating stuff to events like Secret Wars. He's been reading old Marvel stuff for some time now, and I read all that stuff like fifteen years ago... congratulations for a research task well done, and thanks for the stuff you contribute to this column.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
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"COLOSSAL COLOSSUS."

TITLE: X-Men Vs. Hulk (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Jheremy Raapack (penciller)

DISSECTION: Yes, Jheremy. We know Colossus is a big guy... but he's not an entire meter (or more) taller than Kitty Pryde and Wolverine, not even in his armored form. Nor does he change sizes while in human form.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. A passable one-shot, surprisingly so considering it's written by Chris Claremont; who's not been up to his former skills lately.
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That's done, then and we get a 5.8 Bazzars average on twenty dissections... there you go. The voting on the Autopsy Awards is over; I shall be posting the results soon. I must say that while I'm a bit sad I didn't get votes from more folks, it's probably my fault as I haven't met my (self-imposed) deadlines at all these past months. As a matter of fact, I'm more than two months behind. I think I'm going to write larger columns, one for each month (one for the remaining weeks of February, one for all of March, and one for what's passed of April), to catch up. A bit against my usual modus operandi, but desperate times...

Let's check out the Moments Of The Week before I go and feel depressed about being so behind. First up, Legion fangasm!



*drools* Wow, that's amazing... Then...


He's back! Now, what are friends for?


If not for warning you about transvestites? And finally:


Nice outfit, Professor Charles Picard! That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!