The Dissector #108.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Ladies and gentlemen, God exists... and he's Latverian." News anchor, What If? Secret Wars.

Welcome to the column for comics issued on 01/02, and I'd remind you that you're still in time to vote in the Autopsy Awards, and if you speak Spanish, the latest episode of my internet radio show, Perdidos En El Eter, is out, with pieces on Secret Invasion. Final Crisis, Afro Samurai, and Cisplatino. Last column's DT! was spotted by Snakebyte, who correctly spotted that Revel used the word "hierological"; unless they're priests, the word Revel was looking for was "hierarchical". Congratulations Snake, this newest badge gets you the rank of Vice Admiral, again the first in the fleet to reach it (as founder, I automatically gave myself the rank of Grand Admiral, and I'll be the only one, and although Nysie has the rank of High Admiral, she's honorary and didn't go through the rest of the ranks).

The Dissector's Picks Of The Week are as follow. Best Book Of The Work was X-Men: Magneto Testament #4; it's a good portrayal of what concentration camp prisoners had to go through, even if it's a pretty "cheap shot". Worst Book Of The Week was Superman & Batman Vs. Vampires & Werewolves #6, awful last issue of an awful mini that shouldn't have existed. Off you go, the dissections are here:
<-------------------------------->
"BLE BEETL."

TITLE: Blue Beetle V8 (DC).

ISSUE: 34.

CULPRIT: Matthew Sturges (writer).

DISSECTION: The word "versus" is spelled "verus".

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!!!"

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 102.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: In the course of my going over the columns of the past year for Autopsy Awards nomination-worthy dissections, quotes, and moments, I found twenty-two dissections of my own work. And that was only while giving the columns a cursory scan; imagine what an in-depth re-reading would find! They're all typos or similar mistakes, and the funniest one was in #102, when I wrote "Kingdong Come" instead of "Kingdom Come".

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CAPACITY AT RING."

TITLE: Green Lantern V4 (DC).

ISSUE: 36.

CULPRIT: Geoff Johns (writer) and/or Rob Leigh (letterer).

DISSECTION: Hal Jordan's ring says "ring at capacity"... when it was before at more than 200% capacity, so it can't mean "ring at full capacity". It was probably meant to say "ring at maximum overload capacity" or something like that.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"DON'T MESS WITH ME, I GOT A POSSE!"

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 28.

CULPRIT: Dwayne McDuffie (writer).

DISSECTION: John Stewart says he's one of four Green Lanterns in Sector 2814; when in truth, he's just one of two assigned to the sector, with Hal Jordan. Kyle Rayner and Guy Gardner are assigned to Oa, they're part of the Corps Honor Guard.

DISSECT-O-METER: 3 Bazzars, it could be a figure of speech, since both Kyle and Guy are from Earth and former members of the League, so they have interest in the situation. Also, penciller José Luis makes Vixen's totem appear and disappear, while letterer Travis Lanham spelled the penciller's name as Jose' instead of José.
<-------------------------------->
"IT GETS BIGGER. NOT!"

TITLE: Legion Of Super-Heroes V5 (DC).

ISSUE: 49.

CULPRIT: Jim Shooter (writer).

DISSECTION: Colossal Boy's powers, for the Nth time... too bad (seriously) this book is being cancelled after next issue.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars. Also, penciller Manapul has equipment labeled in English instead of Interlac, but I didn't count it as a dissection, because it could be just a matter of the Legionnaires being retro.
<-------------------------------->
"YES, I KNOW THIS IS SOMEWHAT OF A CLICH"

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: Annual 01.

CULPRIT: Ed Dukeshire (letterer).

DISSECTION: The word "clichéd" has a smaller "e", as a result of the letterer's misunderstanding of how a tilde works.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SUPERNATURAL CREATURES? WHERE?"

TITLE: Superman & Batman Vs. Vampires & Werewolves (DC).

ISSUE: 06 of 06

CULPRIT: Kevin VanHook (writer).

DISSECTION: A caption about Superman says something to the effect of "He's fought alien invaders, superpowered enemies of the state... but vampires and werewolves?"... yes, he's never fought any kind of supernatural enemies, of course not.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"RED LIGHTNING!"

TITLE: Superman V1 (DC).

ISSUE: 683.

CULPRIT: James Robinson (writer).

DISSECTION: Black Lightning uses his powers against a Kryptonian by surrounding him with lightning and then... CHANGING THE LIGHTNING'S COLOR TO RED, THEREFORE RENDERING THE KRYPTONIAN POWERLES??!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Robinson, Kryptonians are powerless under RED SUNLIGHT, not RED ELECTRICITY!!! Black Lightning has ELECTRIC POWERS not SOLAR POWERS!!!

Robinson also has Starfire absorbing the yellow solar radiation from the Kryptonians to leave them powerless. This, while a stretch of her powers (she never had such control, her solar energy absorption is usually just passive), it's not absurd like what he does with Black Lightning's powers.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. No less.
<-------------------------------->
"I CALCULATE THIS IS WRONG."

TITLE: Teen Titans V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 66

CULPRIT: Rod Reis (colorist).

DISSECTION: A bit subtle.


DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S SO REMOTE, IT'S OUT OF CONTROL."

TITLE: The War That Time Forgot (DC).

ISSUE: 08 of 12.

CULPRIT: Al Barrionuevo (penciller).

DISSECTION: Colonel Jape's remote control appears and disappears from his hand, and changes shapes from page to page.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"A HOLE DIFFERENT THING."

TITLE: X-Force V3 (Marvel).

ISSUE: 10.

CULPRIT: Mike Choi (penciller).

DISSECTION: X-23's boots don't have the holes for her claws, as they should.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S WRITTEN IN CIPHER."

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Nick Lowe (editor) & Daniel Ketchum (assistant editor) and/or Dave Sharpe (letterer).

DISSECTION: In the cast of characters, Moonstar's picture has Cipher's name under it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, a Spanish name is wrong again.
<-------------------------------->
So, predictably, we got an average of 3.6 Bazzars on thirty-three dissections; most of the dissections (twenty-three, my own), were just typos, so not even the two 10s could offset that. Let's get on with those Moments Of The Week, shall we? The first one is a shock (and I know it's the same image as the DT!):


Okay, maybe not much of it... but finding out that DCU Marvin and Wendy are the son and daughter of the Calculator is a bit of a shock. Next one is better, I promise:


How's that, eh? Pregnant with a Skrull baby! Next, another shocker, one that was completely unexpected to me, despite some people's predictions:


Mutant X is Typhoid Mary? Typhoid Mary?!? Typhoid Frakking Mary?!?!? Mutant X was, according to Dan Slott "a mutant chick who’s been cover-worthy many times. This is not some obscure-o mutant dusted off just for this arc. (...) People who don’t even follow comics regularly will know who it is." Really? Typhoid Mary? Who had never had the source of her powers revealed before? Who's been on a few Daredevil covers? Who isn't known at all by people who don't read comics? Come on.... I do love the next one... did you guess who Doctor Who's opponent in "The Forgotten" was?


Yes, the Meta-Crisis Tenth Doctor! Complete with a mandatory evil goatee! And last, be careful for what you wish...


... you hear me, Franklin Richards? Now, before we finish, remember to vote in the Autopsy Awards. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector Special #05: Autopsy Awards 2008 Nominations.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

I got your Autopsy Awards nominees right here! The voting will be via e-mail, because that's what I prefer. Send your votes to lordmagnusen at gmail.com, in the following form (each nomination has a code): "W01, A03, C02..."

Some of the awards are not subject to vote, as they are given solely on a numeric basis (most Dissected company, etc), or specially awarded for extraordinary "merit". Of course, the text for each dissection is the original one from when they were published, but I've added new comments for all.

The last two categories are actually about positive things that a comic book company or creator would be proud to win... unlike the other categories. I'm talking about the "Best Quote" and Best Moment awards. Now, the nominees:
<-------------------------------->
Best Writing Dissection:

There's a lot of nominees for this category, because there were just too many atrocities committed.
<-------------------------------->
W01-"OUTSOURCING LANTERNS." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENT: This seems minor, but it shows a deep lack of knowledge of the Green Lantern myths... something that might not be important if you're writing GL as part of a larger non-GL Corps team (like the JLA), but it's very important when Green Lantern is one of the two main characters in your story.

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: David Hine (writer).

DISSECTION: Hal Jordan and the Phantom Stranger go to aid Orlan, Green Lantern of Space Sector... 3897?!?!?!?!? Hine, if you wanted to write Green Lantern, you should have done your homework... the Guardians divide the Galaxy into 3600 sectors...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W02-"I AM NOT A CROOK... I'M A KILLER!" (The Dissector #96, 10/23/08)

COMMENT: This is just too much...

TITLE: Two-Face: Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 02.

CULPRIT: Mark Sable (writer).

DISSECTION: There's several dissections, but the worse one is the fact that Two-Face continues in the run for Gotham City DA; but he can't, he's a wanted criminal. Wanted criminals cannot be candidates in elections.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W03-"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: I'm so at a loss for words on this dissection, that I should just make up a word in English for it...

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
<-------------------------------->
W04-"Y IS THIS A DISSECTION?" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

TITLE: Y: The Last Man (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Brian K. Vaughan (writer).

DISSECTION: Last one, and also from the vault, 2002 in this case. What's wrong with this sentence from the prologue? "This "gendercide" instantaneously exterminated 48% of the global population, or approximately 29 billion men." Easy, innit?

NOTE: The answer was, of course, that you cannot kill 29 billion men, since there's roughly only over 6 billion people on Earth;

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W05-"THE HELMETS ARE FEELING BLUE." (The Dissector #65, 03/24/08)

COMMENT: Another dissection that shows that you should write what you know... or read up before writing about something you're not familiar with.

TITLE: Teen Titans Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Amy Wolfram (writer).

DISSECTION: The UN Headquarters in NYC have their own, civilian, security force; there's absolutely no deployment of "blue helmet" DPKO (Department Of Peacekeeping Operations) troops inside of it. Then why are DPKO troopers pointing assault rifles and other firearms at Wonder Woman?

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W06-"UUUH..." (The Dissector #55, 02/13/08)

COMMENT: This is such a dumb error that it's unbelievable.

TITLE: Countdown To Adventure (DC).

ISSUE: 05 of 08 (and previous issues).

CULPRIT: Adam Beechen (writer).

DISSECTION: Starfire and Animal Man are using solar panels to reflect sunlight; solar panels, by definition, absorb solar energy.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
W07-"A MATTER OF GRAVITY." (The Dissector #50, 12/02/07)

COMMENTS: Sometimes, you can see why science fiction is so hard, and some writers forget the "science" part too often.

TITLE: X-Men: Emperor Vulcan (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 05.

CULPRIT: Christopher Yost (writer).

DISSECTION: The Scy'ar Tal, an alien race from which the Shi'ar stole the M'Kraan crystal (in fact, their name used to be M'Kran) have a weapon with which they drop "baby stars" through Shi'ar stargates, and used it to destroy the planet Feather's Edge by dropping one into their orbit. Ooook.... using stars as ammo... I'll let that one pass... But in this issue the X-Men, Starjammers, and Shi'ar find the Scy'ar Tal's "ammo depot", and it's a "solar nursery", with "dozens of stars (...) all in one place"; and starships and space stations can just cruise around, without being pulled into a star or torn apart. Right-y-o.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars, I don't care what your technology level is, these are STARS, and I'm pretty sure I've seen the Starjammer's ship being stopped by a tractor beam, so there's no way they could navigate through a maze of stars!
<-------------------------------->
Best Art Dissection:

Not as many nominees as with the writing dissections; but quite a few. Most are so outrageous you don't even need to actually see the images.
<-------------------------------->
A01-"RETCON TOKEN!" (The Dissector #95, 10/17/08)

COMMENT: This could be a retcon, but it's so unnecessary and blatant, that it's angering.

TITLE: Venom: Dark Origin (Marvel).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Angel Medina (penciller).

DISSECTION: Well, this is a big one... so Eddie Brock divorces his wife in this issue. We've seen her in the past issues, and something didn't look right to me... Then I noticed it: Brock's wife (who was briefly She-Venom in a 90s book) was blonde, and white... and in this book she's black!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A02-"CIDADE MARAVILHOSA... NOT!"" (The Dissector #84, 08/13/08)

COMMENT: Good god, it's not like you can't get photos from the web...

TITLE: Casey Blue: Beyond Tomorrow (DC/Wildstorm).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Carlo Barbieri (penciller).

DISSECTION: Establishing shot of Sao Paulo... THE CRISTO REDENTOR STATUE WHICH IS ACTUALLY IN RIO DE JANEIRO!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A03-"HEART TO HEART." (The Dissector #78, 07/26/08)

COMMENT: Anatomy is a very important thing you know when you're an artist...

TITLE: Astonishing X-Men Sketchbook Special (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Simone Bianchi (penciller).

DISSECTION: A sketch of Cyclops new costume shows an X emblem over the right side of his chest, and a notation that the "X on his heart..." Uhm, Simone, the human heart is to the left of your chest.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A04-"WORFZILLA." (The Dissector #68, 04/07/08)

COMMENT: Klingons are not gigantic...

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: Intelligence Gathering (IDW).

ISSUE: 03 of 05

CULPRIT: David Messina (artist).

DISSECTION: This was the best issue so far of the IDW TNG comics; even the art was better... but that's probably because apart from David Messina on the art, Gianluigi Gregorini is credited as "art assist"... Still, Messina still draws Worf in a scene as if he was three times larger than a human being. Psst, Dave... he's a Klingon, not the Hulk...

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A05-"IT'S A BFG!" (The Dissector #65, 03/24/08)

TITLE: Teen Titans Year One (DC).

ISSUE: 03 of 06.

CULPRIT: Amy Wolfram (writer).

DISSECTION: Look at the picture below, and you'll see that Kerschl not only neglected to correctly represent the famous sculpture called "Non-Violence" (part of the UN art collection at its headquarters in NYC, and usually called "Knotted Gun"), but he also decided (perhaps writer Amy Wolfram too) to make it gigantic, just so Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl could stand on it and look down at normal people. Not only did they enlarge it; they couldn't even get the shape of the base well, and numerous other details in the sculpture itself.


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
A06-"ANYONE HERE SPEAK FRENCH? OR KRAUT?" (The Dissector #58, 02/28/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 22.

CULPRIT: Eric Trautmann (penciller).

DISSECTION: If (a) Marquis was wanted by the Gestapo, why is the poster in English, instead of French (or even German)?

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Coloring Dissection:

There's one that's bound to win this category with a landslide...
<-------------------------------->
C01a-"OH NO HE DIDN'T!" (The Dissector #67, 03/27/08)

COMMENT: This one and the next are the same mistake, made two issues in a row, and it's outrageous. Just vote for C01 if you want this one to win.

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 24.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Arcas incorrectly colors SUPERMAN'S CAPE SHIELD!!! He colors it as if it was the chest shield, blue and yellow

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. Un-for-gi-va-ble.
<-------------------------------->
C01b-"WELL, IT'S JUST SUPERMAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOT A CLASSIC, RECOGNIZABLE COSTUME." (The Dissector #72, 06/25/08)

TITLE: Checkmate V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 25.

CULPRIT: Santiago Arcas (colorist).

DISSECTION: Good God, Arcas! How can you work as a comic book colorist and not know that Superman's CAPE emblem is all yellow, not red and yellow like his chest one?!?!

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
C02-"FASHION EMERGENCY." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENTS: This one's weak, but I wanted at least four nominees.

TITLE: The Brave And The Bold V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 19.

CULPRIT: Brian Reber (colorist).

DISSECTION: Reber gives Hal Jordan white boots... ew...

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
C03-"YOUNG AND UNTANNED..." (The Dissector #102, 01/02/09)

COMMENTS: The whole point of the "All-New" X-Men and the New Mutants after them was the multiethnic origins of the characters; now if you were South American, African, Native American or whatever origin you had, you had a character to "look up to"...

TITLE: Young X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 08.

CULPRIT: José Villarubia (colorist).

DISSECTION: Apart from mistakes in a Spanish name by the writer; Villarubia colors Dani Moonstar (a Native American) and Sunspot (mixed race Brazilian) as having Caucasian skin colors, exactly the same between them, and as Cyclops... To top that, he colors their eyes a very light blue, when they both have brown eyes; and a light blue for Dust, who also has brown eyes.

DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars. Come on, coupled with artist Rafa Sandoval making Sunspot seem almost Asian, you can't even tell which characters they're supposed to be unless they tell you...
<-------------------------------->
C04-"SEE! IT'S NOT EVEN THE SAME GUY ONE MOMENT TO THE OTHER!" (The Dissector #107, 01/14/09)

COMMENTS: It's important to know a character's design before working with him.

TITLE: Countdown: Arena (DC).

ISSUE: 02 of 04.

CULPRIT: Guy Major (colorist).

DISSECTION: Major manages to color Monarch's eyes (incorrectly drawn by McDaniel, see above) blue in one panel, and brown two panels down.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Lettering Dissection:

This category is harder than others, because a lettering error has got to be completely outrageous to be nominated.
<-------------------------------->
L01-"GOOD GOING, HELENA." (The Dissector #106, 01/13/09)

COMMENTS: Switched speech balloons make for funny or awkward situations sometimes.

TITLE: DC Universe Holiday Special (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer, Huntress story).

DISSECTION: Speech balloons get switched around, making the Huntress ask if a community service program run by herself is "Some sort of retarded helping program or something..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
L02-"WHERE'S WULVERINE AND NIGHTCRUWLER?" (The Dissector #61, 03/21/08)

COMMENT: This one is by far the funniest lettering error I've seen; coupled with the frilly font for such a macho character...

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 495.

CULPRIT: VC's Joe Caramagna (letterer).

DISSECTION: Pfft.... look below.


Hahahaha!!!! COLUSSUS!!!!!

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars
<-------------------------------->
L03-"TAROT, MISTRESS OF THE MEESTEEKL ARTS!" (The Dissector #51, 12/11/07)

COMMENT: Marshal... pft! I admit, this is probably an initial error on the writer's part, but the letterer should catch it. ("Magick" is not part of the error, by the way.)

TITLE: Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose (BroadSword Comics).

ISSUE: 47.

CULPRIT: Holly Golightly (letterer).

DISSECTION: In page 20, panel one, a witch fights evil with "magick" (you see what I meant about pretentiousness?) and "marshal" art moves. "Marshal"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
L04-"TXTING NORSEMEN." (The Dissector #82, 08/11/08)

COMMENT: Very simple typos, but the end effect was funny.

TITLE: Northlanders (DC/Vertigo).

ISSUE: 07.

CULPRIT: Brian Wood (writer) and/or Travis Lanham (letterer).

DISSECTION: So, in the 1100s you "plnt" your feet to defend your "communinty"?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars each.
<-------------------------------->
Best Other Dissection:

A hard category, because again, things have to be very blatant, and not even trying hard was I able to find more than three worthy nominees.
<-------------------------------->
O01-"GUARDIANES DE LA GALAXIA! CON: MARTINEZ, PEREZ, ALVAREZ Y BORGES!" (The Dissector #104 (01/08/09)

COMMENT: Like I say in the dissection itself, it's only fair I come down on Spanish translators as hard as I do on English-speaking writers.

TITLE: Guardianes De La Galaxia (Forum/Marvel, translating Guardians Of The Galaxy V1).

ISSUE: 09 and 12 (same numbering as in US edition).

CULPRIT: Xavi Marturet (translator).

DISSECTION: With not enough dissections in this week to fill the requisite minimum of ten per column; I once more went to my Vault. I found some little gems I had stowed away, to show how it's not just English speaking writers who mess up other languages. One day, I'll write an article on the atrocities that are committed when translating comics to Spanish.

(...) in the middle of an issue, someone refers to the "Belt asteroid" ("asteroide Belt" in Spanish); making it obvious that the translator didn't know what an asteroid belt was. The funniest thing is, that when I went to Google what was Xavi Marturet up to know (his actual name is Javier Marturet); he had blogged about a Final Fantasy fan music video with an Evanescence song. He translated the lyrics to the song himself, and posted them along with the video, because (according to himself) "you don't wanna know the stinkers that pass for translations on the internet, they're horrible". The lyrics translation looks okay, but I hope he's learned what an asteroid belt was in these past 15 years.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars (...). I usually give wrong uses of the Spanish language (or other languages) in English comics 6 or 7; in this case I gave it a higher rating because those are uses of foreign languages to give certain scenes or characters a "flavor"; while what Marturet was doing was translating comics in their entirety to another language, for people to read and understand them, and he didn't even know what an "asteroid belt" was (heck, he couldn't even translate the word "belt" literally)...
<-------------------------------->
O02-"NEXT, IN A COMPLETELY UNRELATED COMIC!" (The Dissector #85 (08/18/08)

COMMENT: When you hype the next issue of a book, you might want to hype your own book... That very same week, and for another book, the same editors had the "Hot List This Week" and the DC Nation column from the week before.

TITLE: Justice League Of America V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 23.

CULPRIT: Adam Schlagman (assistant editor) and Eddie Berganza (editor).

DISSECTION: Not a good week for Adam and Eddie when the last page of books is concerned. The legal indicia and "Next in..." at the end of the book are for Superman #678...

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
O03"SPANISHATION DESENCADENATED!" (The Dissector #73, 07/16/08)

COMMENT: This one was so big, that it had to be nominated for both categories.

TITLE: Blue Beetle V7 (DC).

ISSUE: 26.

CULPRIT: Jai Nitz (writer) & Sergio Aragonés (translation terrorist).

DISSECTION: God. Where to start? Let me say this: for a book with Hispanic characters as a star and most of the supporting cast, Blue Beetle has been surprisingly low on Spanish language mistakes. Until now. I initially cringed when they announced a special Spanish language issue, however, the high quality the book has displayed so far came to my mind, and trusted whoever would be writing it to find a good translator.

Then all my hopes were shattered when I saw the book cover and I found that they MADE UP A WORD!!! The cover reads "¡EL PARÁSITO DESTRAILLÓ!", and "destrailló" is not a real word. I'm familiar with many Spanish regional dialects from all over America, to varying degrees, and even with Spanish as spoken in Spain itself (by the way, the correct name of the language is actually "Castillian"); and I've even checked with other people, and in the Royal Spanish Language Academy Dictionary (which includes even the most outrageous regional slang you can imagine): this word does not exist. All the places I find it on the web are translations that seem to be done with translating software, which thought it was the Spanish word for "unleashed" (where "destraillar" would be "to unleash"). It's even spread to Wiktionary, where I just left a message in the discussion page to have it deleted.

(...)

What was the worse (or funniest, you decide) thing about this book? That when I got to the end of it, writer Nitz thanked Sergio Aragonés for "keeping it "verdadero""... Was Aragonés (who was born in Spain and grew up in Mexico) drunk? Pulling a prank on Nitz? Getting revenge for Nitz boinking his granddaughter? Because no one who actually knows Spanish would ever translate the issue as this one was... Complete and utter garbage; and the story isn't even up to Blue Beetle standards.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars; and I gave the other 57 language dissections an average of 7 Bazzars each. Oh, I just noticed... the writer's last name is "Nitz".... hehehe.
<-------------------------------->
O04"WELL, IT STARTS WITH "DYNAM", SO WE GOT HALF RIGHT, DIDN'T WE?" (The Dissector #88, 09/23/08)

COMMENT: This was just sloppy... They've since fixed it, but they never even answered my e-mail... ungrateful sods...

TITLE: Zorro Website (Zorro Productions, Inc.).

ISSUE: N/A.

CULPRIT: Unknown.

DISSECTION: Zorro Productions, Inc., thinks that it's Dynamic Forces that's making the comic, instead of Dynamite Entertainment. I've e-mailed both companies (Zorro and Dynamite), to let them know.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
Best Quote:

Those quotes that make you laugh, or go "wow, that's cool"... there where quite a few to choose from, but here are the very best... according tome, of course.
<-------------------------------->
Q01-"Yes. I am Tesla and you are all Edison. Which means I'll die penniless & alone in a hotel room while obsessively counting my pubes." Warren Ellis, Backmater, Doktor Sleepless #10. (The Dissector #106, 01/13/09)
<-------------------------------->
Q02-"I. Am. The. New. God. All is one in Darkseid. This mighty body is my church. When I command your surrender, I speak with three billion voices... When I make a fist to crush your resistance. IT IS WITH THREE BILLION HANDS! When I stare into your eyes and shatter your dreams. And break your heart. IT IS WITH SIX BILLION EYES! NOTHING LIKE DARKSEID HAS EVER COME AMONG YOU: NOTHING WILL AGAIN. I WILL TAKE YOU TO A HELL WITHOUT EXIT OR END. AND THERE I WILL MURDER YOUR SOULS! AND MAKE YOU CRAWL AND BEG! AND DIE! DIE! DIE FOR DARKSEID!" Darkseid and his choir of thralls, Final Crisis #5 (The Dissector #105, 01/09/09)
<-------------------------------->
Q03-"You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!" Jon Webb, Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose #53. (The Dissector #103, 01/07/09)
<-------------------------------->
Q04-"And Chas, no pressure or nothing, but if I and when I ever get back to London, I'm fully expecting to find the same shit-hole that was there when I left-- and not a pile of smoldering ruins, okay?" John Constantine, Hellblazer Presents: Chas-The Knowledge #5. (The Dissector #100, 12/03/08)
<-------------------------------->
Q05-"You are ejected from the sliding chute like phlegm from and old sailor's nostril." B.A. Felton, Knights Of The Dinner Table #135. (The Dissector #77, 07/24/08)
<-------------------------------->
Q06-"We're going to burn it all down. Because this is not the future we were promised. And if we can't have that, then we shouldn't have anything at all." Doktor Sleepless, Doktor Sleepless #6. (The Dissector #70, 05/08/08)
<-------------------------------->
Q07-"Sweetie, I'll make soup with your knickers!" Random gang-banger, Andrea D #1. (The Dissector #60, 03/10/08)
<-------------------------------->
Q08-"Come on, everybody! There's got to be an abandoned playing card factory around here somewhere." Joker leading his half of the prisoners of the penal planet, Salvation Run #3. (The Dissector #57, 02/26/08)
<-------------------------------->
Best Moment:

Moments that leave you speechless, or busting your gut with laughter. Hard to choose just one...
<-------------------------------->
M01-From The Dissector #94 (10/14/08), Norman Osborn makes good use of public exposure, and then, in private, shows us his plans. NORMAN OSBORN FOR PRESIDENT!



M02-From The Dissector #93 (10/7/08), John Constantine shows us what a white Christmas really means (BTW, that thing he snorts are powdered St. Nicholas' bones...):



M03-From The Dissector #87 (09/16/08), Gordo Sheckberry shows that you can join in on paintball wars even while wheelchair-bound... and with style! Also, this moment is the spark that lights the fuse on B.A.'s involvement in the war:



M04-From The Dissector #75 (07/22/08), Norman Osborn again, in a brilliant scene that shows (in an admittedly cliched way, but brilliant nevertheless) how utterly insane he is:



M05-From The Dissector #73 (07/16/08), the return of Barry Allen!


M06-From The Dissector #69 (04/9/08), a Legion Of Super-Heroes multi-page sappy moment that is, nonetheless, great:



<-------------------------------->
There you are; I’ll keep voting open for two weeks, or possibly a month, if not enough votes come in the first two weeks. Vote, it is your right, so says…

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #107.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"C'mon, stud. Get swollen and purple for mama Maxine." Maxine (aka Ladytron) to Maul, WildCats V5 #06.

Last column of 2008! Almost two weeks into 2009! Yay! Here are the dissections from the books released on 12/24; after this column I'll release the nominees for the vote-in awards for the 2008 Autopsy Awards. Straight up, let me give you The Dissector's Picks Of The Week. Best Book Of The Week was Atomic Robo: Dogs of War #5, a good final issue for a good mini. Worst Book Of The Week was Skaar: Son Of Hulk #6, because it's like a second rate Conan/Hulk mix.

DrSilent once more spotted the DT!, and it was the fact that Nightcrawler's costume was incorrectly colored. One more badge for you, Lieutenant. Now go, fetch me a beer while I write the dissections!
<-------------------------------->
"THIS IS JUST TWO TENTHS OF A DISSECTION."

TITLE: CONTRACT Solo Missions: Panzer (A First Salvo).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Charles Shell & Garan Madeiros (writers).

DISSECTION: The planet "Tropica" is said to be "covered 4/5th by oceans"; "four fifths" or even "4/5ths" would be better.

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"THE DISECTORR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 90.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I spelled the name of the book "Guerillas" as "Guerrillas". In my defense, the correct spelling of the word in Spanish is "guerrilla", as a loanword in English it's been changed.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, in #102, I wrote "add" when I meant "ad".
<-------------------------------->
"THE SLASH: FASTEST MAN ALIVE.."

TITLE: The Flash V2 (DC).

ISSUE: 247.

CULPRIT: Rachel Gluckstern & Eddie Berganza (editors).

DISSECTION: Where the "next issue" blurb would be, there's an announcement about the ending of the book and the upcoming "Flash: Rebirth"... however, there's a slash inserted completely at random in the text. Speaking of the end of this book, why another book cancellation to restart something... I mean, Hal Jordan can be Green Lantern along Kyle Rayner and thousands of others, but is there really a place for Barry Allen and Wally West?

Barry is loved by many, but Wally West earned his place as "the" Flash (no, Jay doesn't count, he's the "old Flash", a second-string character), and much of the modern DCU is revolves around the fact that Wally has been Flash (except for Bart's brief stint) for about 25 years... Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have a favorite Flash, I'm not "taking a side" here... but I just wanted to rant about it a bit. That said, a Geoff Johns "rebirth" mini has the potential to be as good as "Green Lantern: Rebirth"...

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzar.
<-------------------------------->
"DISSECTION WARFARE."

TITLE: Guerillas (Image).

ISSUE: 03 of 09.

CULPRIT: Brahm Revel (writer, in this case)

DISSECTION: Okay, a writing one for you guys:


DISSECT-O-METER: 9 Bazzars, it's just atrocious. Also, the word "motivation" is spelled "motovation".
<-------------------------------->
"SOCK!"

TITLE: Rann/Thanagar Holy War (DC).

ISSUE: 08 of 08.

CULPRIT: Ron Lim (penciller) and/or John Kalisz (colorist).

DISSECTION: And of course, for the last issue, Animal Man still runs around in his socks.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"SEKRIT INVASHUN."

TITLE: Secret Invasion: Requiem (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Jim Shooter (writer) and/or Janice Chiang (letterer), original story printed in Avengers V1 #213.

DISSECTION: Tigra says "aquittal", when the right spelling is "acquittal".

DISSECT-O-METER: 2 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TOTAL ACCESS!"

TITLE: Vigilante V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 01.

CULPRIT: Marv Wolfman (writer).

DISSECTION: Wolfman (is that a cool last name, or what?) confuses "JLA access" for "Checkmate access" when it comes to access to computer networks.

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"AUNT MAY KEEPS IT FOR FETISH ROLEPLAY WITH SKRULL JARVIS."

TITLE: What If? Spider-Man Back In Black (Marvel).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Steven Grant (writer).

DISSECTION: In the original storyline, Spider-Man has to go retrieve his black costume from a hiding spot (webbed under a gargoyle in high atop building, where it had been for years, but that's another dissection); while here he exits his motel room right after MJ is killed already decked in black threads.

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars. It might be too much, but one panel of him retrieving the costume or a "an hour later" thing would have been easy to write into the story.
<-------------------------------->
"GUUUY IN REEEEEEEEEEED!"

TITLE: Wonder Woman V3 (DC).

ISSUE: 27.

CULPRIT: Gail Simone (writer).

DISSECTION: Etta Candy says that Nemesis (for the purpose of not incriminating him) is "just some random dude in black"... but he's wearing a red uniform.

DISSECT-O-METER: 1 Bazzars. Yeah, it could be a figure of speech relating to the fact that he always wears black.
<-------------------------------->
Well, check it out... no "other languages" dissections! This column has a low average, at 4.2 Bazzars (in eleven dissections) it's the lowest one since #91's 3.7... Feh, as if anyone cares... Let's go away with the Moments... Moment Of The Week. What the hell is Cap doing with his hand down a guy's pants?


I guess "When Captain America shoves his hand down your pants!" doesn't quite have the same ring. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!

The Dissector #106.

DISCLAIMER (angry creators, please read)

[[WARNING! THIS COLUMN MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS!]]

"Yes. I am Tesla and you are all Edison. Which means I'll die penniless & alone in a hotel room while obsessively counting my pubes." Warren Ellis, Backmater, Doktor Sleepless #10.

Well, second to last week of December, books out on 12/17. Last column's DT! was cracked by DrSilent, who correctly said that Green Arrow's original costume has red boots and gloves, unlike that flashback illustration I showed you. Before we get on with the rest of the column, let me tell you what The Dissector's Picks Of The Week were. Best Book Of The Week goes to Mighty Avengers #20; it was just a touching tribute to the Wasp, not one of my favorite characters, but a founding Avenger after all. Worst Book Of The Week was What If? Newer Fantastic Four, not because it was really bad, but because it was unnecessary... oh yeah, the art did suck.
<-------------------------------->
"GOOD GOING, HELENA."

TITLE: DC Universe Holiday Special (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Travis Lanham (letterer, Huntress story).

DISSECTION: Speech balloons get switched around, making the Huntress ask if a community service program run by herself is "Some sort of retarded helping program or something..."

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"OVERPOWERED, MUCH?"

TITLE: DC Universe Holiday Special (DC).

ISSUE: One-shot.

CULPRIT: Adam Schlagman (writer, Dr. Light story).

DISSECTION: You know, I'm all for suspension of disbelief and pseudoscience and all that, but... What the jiminy blazes is up with Shimmer transmuting Dr. Light's shield (made of, well, light...) into a mirror? Shimmer transmutes matter... MATTER. Not energy.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"THE DISEECTOR."

TITLE: The Dissector (Studio Robota).

ISSUE: 105.

CULPRIT: MaGnUs (writer).

DISSECTION: I hope this is my last self-dissection of the year... in fact, this shouldn't even count for 2008, because I posted #105 in 2009. Yeah, that's it. This is going into the 2009 Autopsy Awards files... What is it, you ask? Alex Maleev's HORRIBLE Namor had me seeing red, so I called the artist "Maalev". and Snakebyte (look kids, he's back! Good to have you back on board, Commodore-who-is-just-one-badge-away-from-being-a-Vice-Admiral!) noticed it.

DISSECT-O-METER: 6 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"NEW DISSECTIONS EXILED."

TITLE: New Exiles (Marvel).

ISSUE: 16.

CULPRIT: Mark Paniccia (editor) and/or Jordan D. White & Michael Horwitz (assistant editors).

DISSECTION: Never mind the fact that, somehow, Mystiq and Cat merge together... Morph is again the topic of this dissection. Apparently, they're cancelling this book in a couple of issues... as long as they don't relaunch it as All-New Exiles, that'd be too much...

DISSECT-O-METER: 10 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"TREKSSECTION."

TITLE: Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Last Generation (IDW).

ISSUE: 02 of 05.

CULPRIT: Andrew Steven Harris (writer).

DISSECTION: I was going to make a joke about how many colons these Star Trek titles have; but then I remembered that I neglected to comment on Majel Barret-Roddenberry's passing on my column. It's not comics, but it's part of our culture, and she was a driving force behind her late husband (Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry), as well as part of the franchise since the very beginning (she was the female first officer in the first Trek pilot; who had to be replaced because of network idiots thinking it was too avant garde), a character in the first show of the saga (Nurse Chapel); a great comic relief in TNG and DS9 (Lwaxanna Troi), and an ever-present voice in all Trek shows and movies (except for ENT), as the voice of the Starfleet computers. Godspeed, First Lady of Trek. Read more about her demise here.

Does it even matter what the dissection was, now? Well, I'll say it for the records: holographic life support. Right...

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars. Also, Data's eyes are colored incorrectly.
<-------------------------------->
"IS THAT SWAMPLAND CAMO OR DID YOU JUST GO POTTY IN YOUR PANTS?"

TITLE: Supergirl V6 (DC).

ISSUE: 36.

CULPRIT: Sterling Gates (writer) and/or Jared K. Fletcher (letterer).

DISSECTION: Alura In-Ze (Supergirl's mother, in case you failed "Who's Who In Kryptonian Society") calls General Zod's men "soilders"... are those like soldiers who soil their pants?

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I DON'T WANT TO CATCH ANY TANGENT GERMS."

TITLE: Tangent: Superman's Reign (DC).

ISSUE: 10 of 12.

CULPRIT: Kanila Tripp (colorist).

DISSECTION: When are artists and colorists going to learn that John Stewart doesn't wear gloves as part of his costume?!?!?

DISSECT-O-METER: 5 Bazzars. Artist Carlo Magno also gets Guy Gardner's hair and costume wrong.
<-------------------------------->
"IT'S GEO-FORCE... YAY!"

TITLE: Terra (DC).

ISSUE: 04 of 04.

CULPRIT: Steve Wands (letterer, as Swands).

DISSECTION: Geo-Force's speech bubble points directly to a villain Richard Faulkner.

DISSECT-O-METER: 4 Bazzars. Also, Geo-Force's eyes are colored incorrectly. But who cares, it's Geo-Force.
<-------------------------------->
"UNCANNY DISSECTION."

TITLE: Uncanny X-Men (Marvel).

ISSUE: 505.

CULPRIT: Justin Ponsor (colorist).

DISSECTION: Look at this cover, and tell me what's wrong, color-wise:


DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"I’M THE JAGANNĀTHA, BITCH!"

TITLE: X-Men: Legacy (Marvel).

ISSUE: 219.

CULPRIT: Cory Petit (letterer).

DISSECTION: Professor X refers to the Jagannātha, where the word juggernaut comes from, but the accented "A" is smaller than the rest of the letters.

DISSECT-O-METER: 7 Bazzars.
<-------------------------------->
"CONCHITA VENEZUELA MARIANA OXIGENADA FERNANDEZ RODRIGUEZ ESTEVEZ DE LOS PALOTES Y SANTA CECILIA... A SU SERVICIO!"

TITLE: Zorro (Dynamite).

ISSUE: 09.

CULPRIT: Matt Wagner (writer).

DISSECTION: I'm willing to overlook weird names that don't really fit Spanish characters, like "Immaculata", or "Pasquale"; but the last name "de la Pulido" is just plain wrong. And there's tons of other Spanish language mistakes in this issue, as usual... nineteen more in fact.

DISSECT-O-METER: 8 Bazzars. Please Matt Wagner, STOP raping the Spanish language!!! It's painful!!!
<-------------------------------->
Column comes to a closing with a 6.6 Bazzars average on thirty-four dissections (thanks to Zorro up there). Before you leave, check out the Moments Of The Week, for there were plenty: First up, Crusader's story was heroic and touching... but that didn't make a difference to 3-D Man, did it?


... but not everything is lost when you wear a ring made out of a Cosmic Cube sliver:


This can be trouble, don't you think? Next up, Superman, pimpmastah!


What's Supes about to do with two underage (or at least, very young) heroines while the rest of the heroes party? Two heroines... AND A MONKEY!!! Next up, Tony pulls a fast one on Norman:


Priceless... And last, and completely least; if that's Katana, what the hell is she doing with that meat cleaver?!?!


She was recently on the TV show, but looked more like herself... who's this supposed to be, then? Beats me... we'll find out in a few weeks, I guess. That's it for now, until next time, I'll be on the outlook for more dissections, because (almost) nothing escapes...

THE DISSECTOR!